Fishbowl Comedy Feeds

'You're through to Phil and Ramona. Leave a message at the...'

BEEP

'University is brilliant.

'Me roommate's called Sophie and we're drinking Jagerbombs?'

BEEP

'Me and Sophie joined an online casino. They pay you to join!

'Easy money!'

BEEP

'Could you send me 500 quid?

'I'm not in trouble...everything's fine,

'but I do need that 500 quid.'

BEEP

'I just want to say, I really, really love you,

'and I really, really love Sophie...

'..and cocaine!'

BEEP

'Mum? Dad? I'm gay.'

BEEP

UPSET: 'I'm not gay! And I hate Sophie!'

BEEP

'I need you to come and get me today.

'I can't explain, just come soon! OK?'

BEEP

'Everything's fine!

'Do not come and get me.

'Whatever you do, do not come and get me.'

I don't see why I've got to come home for the weekend.

You've totally overreacted. I'm 19.

And in the space of two months you've taken hard drugs,

lost all your money to an online casino and may or may not be gay.

Which is absolutely fine if you are gay.

-Are you gay?

-I'm not gay!

We're not angry with you.

Everyone goes through a bit of a wild phase, don't they?

When I was your age, I drank three pints of cider and fell in The Wear.

Look, I get it.

You were worried about me, you're my parents, it's what you do.

And do you know what, Mum?

A weekend at home'll probably do me good.

I'm glad you said that

because you're not going back any time soon.

GRUNT OF EFFORT

Never too old for a child lock!

-Phil, wind the window!

-Oh! Er...

HATTIE SCREAMS

You can't keep me here!

HATTIE CRIES

What are you doing back there?!

Get off me! HATTIE CRIES

You haven't got a car, you don't have enough money for a rail ticket

and now you haven't got any shoes either. So, yes, I can!

This...is insane!

Give me back my shoes!

Dad, tell her.

It's not forever, just until you're feeling better.

Until we are satisfied you are feeling better!

Dad...

What say we go inside and have some bramble slop, hey?

I picked these myself.

There might be some tiny bits of twig in there, but...

We're only doing this cos we care about you.

Do you want to talk about it?

With you two?

You think Dad's got something insightful to add, eh?

Dad?

The early bird catches the worm?

DOORBELL

Shall I get that?

-Phil, the keys!

-Oh, yeah.

You really think I'd steal Dad's car?

I don't know what you do when you're on drugs.

I'm not on drugs!

That's exactly what someone on drugs would say.

Look who it is!

Hello...Vincent.

I knew you'd come back. You are back, aren't you?

She's home for a while.

I'm leaving tomorrow.

I don't understand. Is this university humour...?

Yeah, that's it. It's university humour.

It's not for people who live in mean, conservative towns,

full of hypocrites and their hen-pecked husbands.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, God, sorry. I have to get this.

Hello, Beth.

Yeah, no. I'm seeing Hattie, I told you I was.

Yeah. No, she's just me friend.

She's a six and a half, yeah.

Oh, no, she's more of a four, yeah. A generous four.

No, Beth, please don't do it!

Hello?

Hello?

So, how's things going with you and Beth, then?

-We're having a baby.

-Oh!

-Oh!

Why is everybody smiling? Has somebody died?

Hey! It's your Uncle Les!

Just Les. Still not a relative.

I will wear you down, Ramona.

How did you get in, Les?

Ah, you left a key at mine,

so I put it in a bar of soap.

Give me the key.

-But I made it myself.

-Now.

And the spare.

Do you know something, Ramona?

You really suck the life out of everything.

So, university not all it's cracked up to be?

Imagine it's very left wing.

Vincent, let's go and catch up outside.

You can tell me all about Beth and your baby.

-I can tell you here.

-No, you couldn't.

Well, this is something they don't teach you at university.

What if I was to say to you

that I could save youse £145?

Just think what that sort of money could buy you.

£145.

LES LAUGHS

So, who's in?

So, in the morning, we woke up and she told me she were pregnant

and the...the baby was mine,

so I had to quit me leisure and tourism course.

But it's all right, though, you know, I got a job.

I'm a plumber and I've got my own van.

You've got a van?

Ah, yeah, full of pipes.

Oh... I've...missed you, Vincent.

Oh! Um...

Oh, Hattie, I'm getting signals.

Wow. Oh...

I knew we had chemistry, I knew it, ever since Steve Forrester chucked

my PE kit on the bus stop roof and you climbed up and got it for me.

He said you were my girlfriend, you hit him and he cried.

But what about you and Beth?

Oh, Hattie, what have I done?

One of us is going to have to leave Wetherby...for ever -

it's the only way.

I've only been as far as York and I didn't like it.

Well, I suppose I could leave,

but I haven't got any money for a train ticket.

So...erm...

I've got a van! I've got a van!

Oh, Vincent! How can I thank you?

-Ooh, we could kiss again.

-No! No, we couldn't.

PHONE RINGS

Sophie?

Give me my money, you slag, or else I'll break both your legs.

What are you talking about?

Sorry, that wasn't all the message.

Er... Give me my money, you slag, or else I'll break both your legs.

Lots of love, Mo.

Sophie, I'm coming!

Hattie, I think I love you.

Six o'clock tonight. Bring your van and don't tell a soul.

Go.

Oh!

Rawr!

Great.

Yes!

MUSIC: The Things We Do For Love by 10cc

# Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river

# Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea

# You lay your bets and then you pay the price... #

Let's get going.

Yeah, I got you these.

Is someone at the door?

-Hi, Vincent!

-Hi.

Oh, hello, Vincent.

-PHIL:

-Who is it?

-Oh, it's just Vincent.

-Hi, Vincent!

-Hiya!

We're about to have tea, I'm afraid.

Now, the lasagne box said, "Feeds two".

I can stretch it to three with wedges, but not four.

Bye.

You can't keep me here, you know.

-Oh, yes, I can!

-I hate this place!

Don't come crying to me when your dad eats all your lasagne...

cos we both know he will!

She'll settle.

Just got to give her time.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

HATTIE SCREAMS

I told you she'd try the window.

-Ooh, what's the occasion?

-You.

Joy saw you coming home yesterday

and the first thing she does this morning

is bring this bloody thing over!

-Aw.

-No!

That's all it takes.

One person eats a slice

and the next thing is I've eaten the whole thing myself!

Leave the beautiful cake be.

Well, if you're going to spend the day eyeballing a cake, can I please have my shoes back?

I'm dealing with my issues.

Until you start dealing with yours, you're staying here.

-So, I could just...

-No!

I'll leave you two alone.

Please forgive me.

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

You're back very soon.

Something gone wrong?

I'm just back for the weekend.

When we saw you come back yesterday, we thought something might've happened.

Something bad, you know.

You hear about students, don't you?

All the sex and the drinking.

Drugs...

It's going to be fine.

Did your mum get my cake?

Never mind the cake. Get out of my way.

It's a cul-de-sac, not a through road.

There is a gate there for a reason.

Well, I'll just walk round the gate!

Simon! Gate! Now!

What does that mean?

-This isn't a through road!

-Well, it is now!

-Simon!

-It's ringing.

-Who's he calling?!

This is not a through road!

Hello! Joy, Joy!

I'm really sorry about this.

Erm... Hattie's been away at university.

You know, and she's not quite up to date with...with gate developments.

Simon's calling the police.

Yes, I'll hold.

Hattie! This is not a through road.

It's a gate.

This is a nice street,

full of nice people.

It's a cul-de-sac.

It's drugs.

So, Les, you've wrapped your TV in tin foil.

Yep, rendering it invisible to the TV detector van.

£1.50 expenditure on tin foil.

£145 saved on TV licence.

Besides, I only ever watch Match of the Day with the sound down.

-And anything with bears in it.

-God, I love bears!

-You got any biscuits?

-In the kitchen.

Don't touch the ones with the chocolate in them.

So, you want out of Wetherby?

Uh... No, no. I'm glad to be back.

Liar! I can see it in your eyes.

You know how I know?

Cos I see it in my own eyes when I look in the mirror in the morning.

I thought you loved it here?

Well, apparently after 30 years of living in Wetherby, I don't.

I was a fool to leave Belfast.

I'm an eagle and this place makes me small.

Take me with you.

I can't make it on my own. Besides, you're clever and you've got a full driving licence.

I know, but Mum's locked the windows and doors, and she took my shoes.

Don't worry about that. I'll sort that. Codename - Soaring Eagle.

So, anyway, I says to your man, right,

"I'm going to keep putting it through your letter box until you can show me it's against the law."

-Checkmate.

-LES LAUGHS

You're out of biscuits, Les,

and there's a dead badger in your fridge.

That's not for you.

Soaring Eagle.

How was Les?

Odd.

He's made his choices.

-Hey, do you want to come play a trick on Uncle Les?

-Yeah!

Hey, you know what? I thought coming home would be hard, but it's not.

It's a piece of cake.

What?

Up yours, Yentob!

-And it didn't cost me a penny!

-HE LAUGHS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-POSH VOICE:

-Lesley Markham?

I'm calling from the television licensing department.

Who gave you this number?

-I don't...

-SKI SUNDAY THEME

I don't have a TV.

We've been watching you.

In fact, we're outside now.

You're in a lot of trouble, Mr Markham,

but if you follow instructions, you'll make it easier on yourself.

Face the television.

I knew it!

They've been watching me through the TV the whole time!

Mr Markham, for security purposes,

I need to know the name of your celebrity crush.

Rachel Riley.

Can I remind you it is an offence

to lie to the television licensing department?

Carol Vorderman!

It's always been Carol.

PHIL AND HATTIE LAUGH

Phil?

THEY LAUGH

Don't make me small!

Don't make me small!

THEY LAUGH

PHIL LAUGHS

-Phil! The keys!

-What? Oh...

You don't trust your own daughter?

No.

Note to self - kill Phil.

DOORBELL RINGS

Mr Lesley Markham? I've come about your TV licence.

LES LAUGHS

Do I look stupid?

You can tell Phil from me that I've got three TVs -

one in my living room, one in my bathroom and one in my bedroom.

OK? I've got five shopping trolleys in the back garden

and I steal the electricity from next door.

You got all that?!

I just wanted...

Les one, Phil nil.

Ah, I just wanted...

Excuse me.

Mr Markham?

It's time for this eagle to soar.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

This is not good enough.

Er...it's got to stop.

The drugs, the gambling, the...escape attempts,

it ends tonight.

HATTIE LAUGHS

Mum told you to come in here and bad cop me, didn't she?

No.

Yes...maybe.

Yes.

Oh, I love you, Dad. Don't worry.

I'll tell her that you came in here and busted me balls.

-Pow!

-Thanks, Hats.

You know you can tell me anything, don't you?

Yeah, of course. Same here.

It's just...we get your bank statements delivered here and...

This line keeps coming up, erm...

£100, £100,

£100.

And the banking reference is, "More money for drugs".

I haven't told your mum. You're not in any trouble, are you?

Do I look like I'm in any trouble?

You couldn't do us a favour, could you, Dad, and open the window?

It's just that it gets really stuffy in here.

HE SIGHS

Sure.

Call me when tea's ready?

I love you.

I love you too, Dad.

SHE SCREAMS

MUSIC: Breakin' Down The Walls Of Heartache by Johnny Johnson & The Bandwagon

# I'm a mad man who's workin' the morning

# Heading for the walls of heartache

# Working every day, I'm bringing you home the pay of heartbreak

# You are gone and the walls are higher

# And they're built on the tears you're crying

# Oh, I got to bring you back

# I'm working till the day I'm dying. #

Didn't like it but I did it.

Yeah, law laid down.

I think you'll find she just might be staying put.

Oh, Phil,

you make it too easy.

Please...please!

Please! Please! Please!

-God!

-GRUNTS WITH EFFORT

Like taking candy...from a baby.

Goodbye, Lesley Markham.

Go in peace, my son.

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-Go in peace, my son.

PHONE BEEPS

Hattie! Tea's ready!

See, I always thought blancmange was a savoury jelly.

Turns out it's a completely different pudding.

I'll go and get her.

Mmm...smells good. What's for tea?

Er...it's Sunday - burgers and salad.

Salad optional.

Thanks, Mum.

Soaring Eagle!

THEY SCREAM

THEY SCREAM