Over to Bill Comedy Playhouse

# I don't care what the weatherman says

# When the weatherman says it's raining

# You'll never hear me complaining

# I'm certain the sun will shine...#

'Well, that's all from us, and now, for the weather, it's over to Bill.'

Hello there. Most of us have had a pleasant week -

dry with light winds and, in some places, even a bit of sun,

but I'm afraid that all that is about to change.

Some of us may not be aware,

but a big storm is heading in from the west.

I know. I will, I will.

Bill? Bill, could I have a word?

Bill, you know we've had to make a lot of changes

to the weather department.

Not just changes, Alice, great changes.

And, unfortunately, there have been a lot of redundancies.

Not just redundancies, Alice, great redundancies.

Tim Earnshaw, what did that guy even do? I still don't know.

This is so hard.

It's not hard, Alice, cos you got rid of all the right people -

the dead weights the has-beens.

Not quite.

# Grab your coat and get your hat

# Leave your worries on the doorstep

# Just direct your feet

# To the sunny side of the street

# If you hear a pitter-pat

# And that happy tune is yours

# Life can be so sweet

# On the sunny side of the street

# I used to walk in the shade

# With those blues on parade

# I'm not afraid

# If I never have a cent

# I'll be rich as Rockefeller

# Gold dust at my feet

# On the sunny side of the street. #

BIRDSONG

Bill, I thought you were going to do stuff today?

I am in a minute.

Just going to check out the lunchtime you know what.

Want to see who they've replaced me with.

Why bother? It's just going to make you jealous.

Bet it's Brian Dandruff Boy Riddle,

with his massive ears and his ginger comb-over.

Or Monica No Neck Spannerworth.

"Hello, everybody, here is the weather. Has anybody seen my neck?"

Whoever it is, it's going to be some sad loser.

'Now it's over to Mandy Drozdowski for the weather.

'Good afternoon, everyone. The outlook for tomorrow...'

Wow, she's really attractive.

But is she any good? That's the question.

No, she's really good. And actually quite stunning.

Weather girl? She's not a weather girl.

Look at her skirt,

it is short enough to make a gynaecologist blush.

Just have to switch it off, Bill.

You cannot present the weather dripping with sex appeal.

It's a distraction.

No sex appeal, the way I did it, that's the way to do it.

Just...just turn it off. I told you it would make you jealous.

Of her? Why would I be jealous?

Erm, she's younger than you, she's sexier than you

and she's got your job. How can you not be jealous?

Younger and sexier than me?

If they had allowed me to present the weather

in a pair of Speedos, I would have been a sensation!

But, no, they made me wear clothes.

They moved on. It's a fact of life.

It's called progress.

I hate progress. I've always hated progress.

iPad Minis?

I mean, what is wrong with good old-fashioned iPads?

Look, why don't you call Jez? Go out for lunch?

-You know who Jez is friendly with?

-Who?

The Channel 4 guy.

-Nigel Harrington.

-Nigel Harrington. If Nigel Harrington likes you,

you could be back on TV like that.

Nigel Harrington, all fixed up, golf, Saturday.

Oh, Jez, you're the man.

Have you seen that girl they've got in to replace you?

No, I haven't seen her yet. Haven't really had time.

-Seriously?

-Well, I'm hardly going to sit around all day

watching the weather report, am I?

-Moping about, obsessing about it. I've moved on.

-Oh, so mature.

I haven't told you about Selina, have I?

-Bumped into her on Bond Street.

-No way.

-Yeah.

-What is it? Six months...

-Yeah.

-..since she dumped you?

Now, here you are, Mr Big-Time Inventor,

the person she always wanted.

Dog chewing gum, always said it would take off. Who's laughing now?

-What did you say to her?

-Oh, there was like a million things

-going through my head.

-Oh, what an opportunity.

I hope you said to her, "All that pain, all that crap.

"How do you feel now, you mad succubus witch?"

I asked her to marry me and she said, "Yes."

That is unbelievably great, man! That is...that is totally fantastic!

I'm so...

All that stuff I just said...

-Listen, forget about it, she's changed.

-No, I...

-No, I've changed.

She thinks I'm this whole different person, now I've become rich,

and it's not a money thing.

Just got more self-esteem, more je ne sais quoi.

Well, we all know how much she likes...

quoi.

So when's the big day?

Next month - Bank Holiday Monday.

Which is why I wanted to talk you through the whole best man thing.

No, not best man.

Don't ask me to be best man. I'd much rather just go,

be one of the guys, relaxed, have a great time.

Yeah, I thought you'd say that,

-which is why I chose Nigel Harrington.

-Nigel Harrington?

-Right.

-Not me?

-Right.

Well, what about me? I'm a much better friend than Nigel Harrington.

For a start, you call him "Nigel Harrington"!

If he was truly best man material, you would call him,

"Nige" or "Nigey" or "Nigh".

-"Nuh."

-You don't want to be best man,

you hate making funny speeches.

Funny speeches and needles - your two biggest fears.

-Can't believe you haven't chosen me!

-You'd have said, "No."

Of course I'd have said "No!" But I expect to be asked.

Yeah, well, if it was down to me, I would have asked.

What do you mean, "If it was down..."?

-Selina's choosing your best man?

-You came in fifth,

which brought home to me the extreme danger you're in.

-Danger?

-Culling.

-Culling?!

-You know what it was like last time,

she set out to systematically decimate all my idiotic friends.

-You think I'm in the culling line?

-Of course you're in the culling line!

-She's already culled Neil and Dan.

-Neil and Dan?

You couldn't meet two greater guys.

Great, but annoying, and now they're both...

HE CHOKES

-What did they do?

-They made jokes about my list of Saturday jobs.

Right in front of her mean, little face?

You can't do that and not get culled! Everyone knows that.

Well, they didn't, which is why they're both...

HE CHOKES So you better watch your step.

I can't get culled - you're all I've got.

What're you talking about? You've got loads of friends.

No, you're right, I am all you've got.

DOOR BELL RINGS

DOOR BELL RINGS

Sh! Sh! Sh!

Come in, but keep your voice down, Selina's asleep.

I don't need to come in, I'm ready.

I'm ironing some trousers.

Selina fired the home help, haven't got a new one yet.

Let's go. I'm starving. I didn't have time for any breakfast.

There's a fridge full of food, man.

Just help yourself. I'll be two seconds.

Are we still on with Nigel Harrington?

Says he'll meet us on the first.

You found anything yet? Just help yourself.

Coconut cream and mango mousse with caramelized pineapple,

sauteed in cinnamon, anise and vanilla.

Mmm!

OK, I'm done.

Oh, man - wait till you see my new 9-wood.

A lot of people say a 9-wood isn't manly,

but I can exocet that sucker

like...120 yards

I'll tell you what. That coconut milk,

that is a really refreshing breakfast drink.

I might get some of that.

How come every time I say "don't wake me", you wake me?

Oh, you're up, Sweetpea? We were just sneaking out.

Course I'm up. All that yelling.

"You found anything? Na-na-na-na...!"

Hello, Bill. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me, didn't you?

Hi, Selina. Oh, congratulations. Looking, erm...great.

Where're my...?

You've eaten my pastries.

SCOFFING: They're from Nin's Patisserie.

Of course I haven't eaten your pastries.

What am I? Insane?

They were for Sandy and Tina.

They're coming round to talk about Rachel's Bone Marrow Foundation.

I need those pastries. Where are they?

Nin's Patisserie? They have a waiting list this long.

-They were works of art.

-When was the last time you saw them?

When I got back from work, when I unpacked the shopping.

Maybe we had burglars?

Pastry burglars?

Did you eat them?

Snowdrop, he's only just walked in, he's hasn't been near the fridge.

Have you? He hasn't stood within ten feet of the thing,

am I right or am I right?

He...is right.

-Swear on your mother's life.

-Pardon me?

You haven't eaten her pastries. Swear on your mother's life.

Go on, swear.

-MUMBLES:

-I swear on my mother's life.

-See?

He hasn't touched them. He swore on his mother's life

and you know how much Bill loves his mother.

What's that? On your shoe?

Mango mousse and coconut cream.

You swore on your mother's life.

Well, it's one thing to eat her pastries, man,

but you shouldn't have sworn on your mother's life.

-That's just wrong.

-Totally wrong.

-So wrong!

-So, so wrong!

I thought I heard talking.

Bill, Selina's best friend, Sophie.

-She's here with little Timmy this weekend.

-Where's the...

..baby milk I expressed for Timmy?

Have you drunk her breast milk?

SNIGGERING: No way!

The milk that has come out of her breasts

and was put aside for her tiny baby son,

who was born two days premature?

You have drank his breast milk?

I thought it was coconut milk.

I didn't know it was breast milk.

Didn't this give you a clue?

"Breast milk."

Why wasn't it labelled more clearly?

Or better still, why doesn't she just keep her breast milk

in her breasts?

We'd all know where it was and there'd be no confusion.

That would never stop a guy like you.

If you were thirsty, you'd flop one of those bad boys out

and start suckling.

JEZ SMACKS HIS LIPS

Jez, this isn't funny. Don't you see?

I am going to get culled.

Look, relax. I know Nin's Patisserie.

We'll just nip down there and get some more.

It's ridiculous. A patisserie with a waiting time of four weeks.

How are you supposed to get replacements?

I'm finished, aren't I?

I'm going to get culled, like all the others.

Don't worry about it.

You'll make the whole thing right with your wedding present.

Oh. That looks nice

and very, very expensive.

PHONE RINGS

How's it going, man?

(Nigel Harrington.)

You're waiting for us? On the first?

We're meant to be playing golf with Nigel Harrington.

We flat-out forgot, man.

Yeah. I'm sorry, dude.

Bill downed a pint of Sophie's breast milk

and our schedule got nuked.

Don't tell him that. I need him to get me back on TV!

-Yeah, breast milk.

-Don't tell him that!

It was in the fridge, clearly labelled "breast milk" -

somehow he missed that and glugged down all that breasty goodness.

It wasn't clearly labelled "breast milk".

Tell him it wasn't clearly labelled "breast milk".

Tell him I'm short-sighted, tell him I'm dyslexic.

-That's good...

-No wait, don't tell him I'm short-sighted or dyslexic...

Then he ate all Selina's pastries

that she was saving for the Bone Marrow Foundation girls.

-Don't tell him that...

-Then it just all went to hell.

Yeah. I'll make it up to you, man.

Yeah, bye.

Why did you tell him that?

I wanted to speak to him

about getting me back on TV to do the weather.

Now he's going to hate me.

He was fine. He thought it was funny.

He asked if anyone had burped you!

Besides, you'll see him at the wedding,

you can talk to him there.

He'll like you.

I like you, he'll like you.

Now, I'll give you some time to look for that present.

-TV:

-'And moving in from the west

'and over much of the Inner Hebrides...'

What are you pointing at?

That isn't the Inner Hebrides, you idiot.

That's the Isle of Lewis.

Do you not even know that?

Bill! It's a wedding, we can't be late.

I thought you were waiting downstairs.

This woman is unbelievable - she thinks London's in the Midlands.

And her pointing, it's all...

Has no-one told her about the Michael Fish Finger?

Come on!

I'm a scientist - fully qualified meteorologist.

Hull University, 2:1 - thank you very much.

Whereas Miss Drop Dead Gorgeous straight out of modelling school

just reads it off the autocue.

You think she knows what intertropical convergence zones are?

You think she understands the vortices in the cumulonimbus?

She's got a degree in meteorology too, Bill. I Googled her.

Really? Where did she study?

-Oxford.

-University?

She got a first. Then she did a PhD in politics.

Oh, well done her, She's great(!)

Why don't you marry her?

Why don't you take her to the wedding?

PRESENT SMASHES

-Bill, where's the present?

-What?

Where's the present?

Oh!

Where is it? Retrace your steps.

When did you last have it?

I took off my jacket

I put the present on the roof...

-..and I left it on the roof.

-Oh!

We'll have to go back.

What? Searching every bit of the road? There's isn't time.

Then we have to get another present.

It's Norfolk on a bank holiday.

I mean, look around you, Bill.

It's "squeal-like-a-pig" country.

The reason you can't get a signal on your mobile

is cos out here, they haven't invented the telephone yet.

Don't exaggerate. There'll be a shop.

Huh?

Where's there going to be a shop?

If you can't find anything nice, I am not going to that wedding.

I'm not turning up with a 26-piece set of spanners.

Oh, threats. Well, that's helpful.

Ta-dah!

Where'd you get the wrapping paper?

-Cooking foil.

-And the tag?

Box of weed killer. Cut it out with some gardening shears.

And what's the present?

A special glass tumbler set,

celebrating SpongeBob SquarePants.

-SpongeBob SquarePants?

-With straws.

Not only glasses, comes with straws, too.

Sheldon Plankton, Eugene Krabs - they're all in there.

It's a great, fun present. It's light-hearted. Comical. Light.

Do you get it?

I am not facing Selina

having just given her a set of SpongeBob SquarePants glasses.

She doesn't like me as it is.

We can't turn up with nothing.

Nothing is better than those tumblers.

OK, look, tomorrow, I'll go out, I'll get them something else and I'll send it on,

but we cannot turn up with nothing.

If you take those tumblers, I'm not going.

You've got to go. You've got no choice.

It's SpongeBob or me.

-You choose.

-Listen...

-Choose!

-Listen, Faith...

-Choose.

-Faith!

It's them or me! Choose!

SpongeBob and the gang from Bikini Bottom...

..are going to that wedding.

Are you telling me that you would rather go to that wedding

with Larry the Lobster and Barnacle Boy than me?

I'd rather go with all three of you.

Take me to the station. I'm getting the train home.

No way. You're not getting out when the going gets tough.

Oh, really? Watch me.

What am I supposed to tell Jez and Selina?!

# Hallelujah! #

We have gathered together on this beautiful afternoon

with Jeremy And Selina

as they exchange vows of their everlasting love.

As Jeremy and Selina take their vows today,

we are privileged to witness the joyous love of a new family,

a family that will be nourished and nurtured

through the devotion of two separate individuals...

-Who's the best man?

-Jack.

Selina's brother? What happened to Nigel Harrington?

Car accident this morning.

He's really messed up,

broken both his legs and ruptured his spleen.

That is just typical of my luck.

Ah. Present table's just there, sir.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Dave.

We'll catch you later, definitely, yeah.

You've probably heard this a million times today, but you look stunning.

And it's true what they say, because you actually look radiant.

And Selina, you look pretty good, too.

BILL AND JEZ LAUGH

No, I'm kidding, you know I'm kidding.

You're looking great...

Marge Simpson.

D'oh!

So, where's Faith? I haven't seen her yet.

Did you not hear? Faith's ill. She's got food poisoning.

-Oh, no, really?

-Yeah, projectile vomit.

I swear to God, I've never seen anything like it.

It was like something out of the Exorcist.

Her range was unbelievable.

She could have put out a second floor fire.

She was like...

HE RETCHES

I stood there, helpless, thinking, "Where's a camcorder when you need one?"

So how is she now?

Well, I just called, spoke to her mum -

she's terrible, really terrible.

-Her mum reckons she'll be in bed, for a week at least.

-It's that bad?

Yeah. You don't just get up after food poisoning like that.

Here's Faith now.

Hi, guys, how are you?

Oh, the ceremony was gorgeous.

And, Selina, your dress, it's stunning.

We all thought you were ill.

Ill? Me? No, why?

So you were in church?

Yeah, I was at the back. Bill and I got separated.

-So you didn't just arrive?

-No!

No, I've been in the ladies. Why?

We - well, I - thought you had food poisoning.

Must have misheard, you must have said...

.."stew moistening", and I thought you said "food poisoning."

-Why would anyone say, "stew moistening"?

-Sorry?

Why would anyone say, "stew moistening"?

Well, because her stew was a...a bit dry, needed moistening,

needed a bit of gravy - it's obvious, isn't it?

So you thought Faith had a stew that needed moistening, with her,

in church?

-Gluten intolerance.

-Yeah.

-Coeliac disease.

We didn't want to make a fuss, so, um...

You've already eaten, haven't you?

Oh, well...I'll tell the caterers.

If you could, I think that would be, erm...

Anyway, look, we mustn't hog you - you must...go mingle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, go, go.

Well, we'll talk later.

What the hell are you doing? You're acting ridiculous!

Bill, you cannot give them those SpongeBob SquarePants tumblers.

I'm telling you, it's a huge mistake.

Have you seen the other presents, how they're wrapped?

It's too late. It's already on the table.

-You're going to have to steal it back.

-How?

-During the meal.

Hmm...

It's not that good, really.

Tender boned lamb chop in a honey and orange jus.

It's not that good.

I'm almost dreading the chocolate and hazelnut brownie

in a creme anglaise.

Just go and do the present.

-I haven't finished my...

-Now!

MUSIC: "Der Vogelfanger Bin Ich Ja" by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Everything all right, sir?

-Just admiring the presents.

-Ah!

-They're beautiful, aren't they?

Yeah. Wonderful.

-Hey, hey.

-Look at you. Looking great.

Good honeymoon?

Oh...Venezuela.

You'd have loved it, man, it was amazing.

Oh, and Bill, Selina and I were just blown away by your pressie.

-Oh, right. It was OK, then?

-OK? Are you crazy?

It was so generous - you and Faith must be out of your minds.

Well, we just wanted to get you something, you know...

Selina cried. Tear ducts, who knew?

"I've misjudged him, I've got him so wrong."

And what exactly did she...exactly like about it?

I mean, what exactly did she exactly like most about it, exactly?

You know, speaking...exactly.

It was just the sheer..class, magnitude, uniqueness of the gift.

You really nailed it, buddy.

Funny enough, it was the kind of thing she was expecting her friend Sophie and her husband to give us.

You know what they got us?

Unbelievable, cos money-wise, Sophie's stacked.

You know what they got us?

-Six SpongeBob SquarePants glasses

-No way.

Six SpongeBob SquarePants glasses and plastic swizzly straws.

Probably picked them up at a petrol station.

-Who would buy a gift like that?

-Yeah, who?

A crass idiot, that's who!

-And get this - they were wrapped up in silver cooking foil.

-No!

Like we'd think it was expensive silver paper or something.

-Are these people for real?

-So you know what I said to Selina?

"You have culled two of my friends."

She said, "What are you talking about?" I go, "Don't deny it.

"We don't invite Neil, Dan or their wives round any more.

"You culled them because you think they're not worthy."

-What did she say?

-What could she say?

And I said, "If you can cull, I can cull."

So, from now on...

-You culled Sophie.

-I culled Sophie. Sophie is culled.

-Her best friend?

-Sophie, gone.

HE CHOKES

Hey, Jez, how's it going?

Oh! Hi, how you doing? You know Bill?

You used to be the weather guy, right?

Have you seen the new weather girl?

Amazing. She's taken it to a whole new level.

Incidentally, Jenny and I were really sorry we missed your wedding.

We were just talking about the wedding

because Bill and his wife got us the most incredible gift.

Oh, wow, right. What did you get them?

Oh, well, it's no...

Shall I get the bill?

We haven't even ordered yet.

He's embarrassed. It's all right, I'll tell him.

Selina's sister, Rachel, got leukaemia eight years ago

Oh, my God, really?

But thanks to a bone marrow transplant, she survived.

-She's in remission now, it's all OK.

-Wow.

Three years ago, she formed a foundation

to create a registry for bone marrow donors

and Bill and his wife,

as their wedding gift to me and Selina,

have offered to donate some of their own bone marrow

to Rachel's foundation.

Which is a really big deal for him

because Bill is absolutely terrified of needles.

-Oh, man, that is immense.

-Can you imagine that?

They have agreed to undergo a surgical procedure,

where they're out cold and a surgeon,

using special hollowed-out needles, sucks out, for crying out loud,

liquid marrow from their bones.

Wow.

And all we gave you was a blender.

JEZ LAUGHS

Listen, I'll talk to Jenny, see if she needs both those kidneys.

Hey! That would be great, thanks!

Look, I've got to fly - I'll call you, we'll catch up.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Great present.

Take care, G.

Are you OK?

Jez, I've...

I've a terrible confession to make.

You're going to think I'm an idiot.

-You're an idiot!

-I'm sorry.

-Have you even got a brain?

I bet if they opened up your head, it'd be empty with an IOU note.

What are we going to do?

WE? What's this got to do with me?

You culled Sophie.

If Selina ever finds out that Sophie got culled for nothing,

what happens to you?

-Jesus.

-Every friend you've got will be culled

in a single night of culling carnage.

You will never shank your 9-wood ever again.

Not if she never finds out.

This whole tag-swap thing has to stay our secret.

(Take it with us to our graves.)

-But you've still got to donate your bone marrow.

-Pardon me?

That's your cover story.

Selina expects it, that's what you've got to do.

What about Faith?

You've got to persuade Faith to donate her bone marrow too.

You know how you're always saying you wish I was more romantic and spontaneous?

Not now, Bill, I'm covered in clay.

Hear me out.

How would you like, sometime soon,

-to go for a romantic candlelit dinner?

-Hm?

And then because we have everything in life and so many people don't,

maybe after dinner,

we could...check into a clinic

and give them some bone marrow.

-You what?

-Wouldn't that be great?

Donating our bone marrow -

wouldn't that be a great, fun, spontaneous thing to do?

What are you talking about?

I just feel I've got all this...bone marrow

swooshing about in my bones.

When was the last time I even used it?

I can't even remember.

And it's a simple operation -

you just go in and after a few tests,

they...hoover it out of you somehow and...it just grows right back.

Have you thought this through?

No, absolutely not. It's just like you suggested.

I mean, if this isn't spontaneous, what is it?

Donating our bone marrow so that others might...have it.

It's a simple procedure.

Getting marrow out of a bone is not a simple procedure.

Course it is.

If a dog can do it, how hard can it be?

No, no, I think they have to remove a piece of bone from your hip

and then they harvest it using needles, or something.

Harvest, needles...

Sounds simple to me.

Oh, I don't know. I give blood, but bone marrow?

Come on.

Let's go marrowing.