Miller's Mountain Comedy Playhouse

This programme contains some strong language

Step into my office, son.

What's your poison?

Oh, we can't drink!

You're supposed to be giving me mountain rescue training.

Lesson number one. You won't be needing any of that fancy gubbins.

All a good mountain man needs is a stout set of legs,

a bar of tablet and a bobble hat! There you go.

The usual, please, Jules!

APPLAUSE

The usual DRINK!

You owe me 600 quid.

This isn't a charity shop!

Really? Your cardigan would suggest otherwise.

That's rich! You look like a tramp farted you out.

No more credit!

Very well!

Lend us 20 quid, son!

Who's this? Your new carer?

Aye, very funny!

I'm not that old!

Oh, come off it, Jimmy,

you've been sweeping the floor with your balls since you walked in.

Very good, aye!

You'll find there's a fair bit of back and forth goes on in here, Conor.

So, Jules, you won't have met my new sidekick, then.

Conor. Allow me to introduce you to young Julie Monroe.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Looking radiant as ever, Jules!

What's your secret?

Not being an alcoholic.

-So, just joined the rescue, have you?

-Yeah.

And they put you with Julie Andrews, did they?

No, they put me with him.

You'd better drink this, then. Is it your first time?

I did a few weeks at the Inverkelly Rescue last summer.

That was brilliant!

Inverkelly? Think they're the tits just cos they've got a helicopter.

No, they save a lot of lives.

See me? I've got experience! 30 years, man and boy!

I know these hills like the back of my hand.

Oooft! What's that?

Is that a mole? I've no' seen that before.

That's given me a turn, that! Look!

Oh, no, no. Stand down.

It's a wee bit of Snickers bar. We're all right.

As you were!

Same again, please, Jules!

£1.59.

Oooft. Your London prices are killing me!

I'm no' paying that. I want to talk to the manager!

So do I. Unfortunately, she's locked up in a Thai prison.

That's right. Quite the jet-setter, your mum, isn't she?

Yes, she is. And she left me in charge. So that's £1.59.

I'm not going to take orders off of a wee lassie like you.

You don't have the authority to run this pub, so there!

£1.59!

You might want to invest in a wee nasal hair strimmer there.

That's it. Pick a window - you're leaving!

Come on, Jimmy! It's nearly lunchtime.

Quite right, son!

Two of your hellish rolls and fried egg, please, Jules.

Oh, and another pint, fair maiden o' the pump!

More drink? When's my training going to start?

Will you relax, son? It's off-season.

There's no hurry, no hurry at all.

HE WHISTLES

Ahhh!

Thinking of redecorating?

Yeah! I'm thinking Pink Alabaster with a splash of Flamingo Wing.

You can't change the decor in here!

This place has got a lot of character.

It looks like a morgue had sex with an old folks' home.

You can't bin Elkie the boss-eyed stag! He's an institution!

He's got five legs.

I want to attract a better clientele.

What's wrong with the clientele?

They've no money, their chat's rotten, they smell,

they smoke in the toilets, they write on the walls,

they're prone to violent mood swings, and not a single

one of them could hit a urinal bowl with a built-in sniper scope!

-And see that guy? He's clearly dead.

-Eh?

No, I want a bit of class in here! Inverkelly Rescue!

Over my dead body.

Even better!

We'll just stuff and mount you over the fireplace!

No, I want professional people in here.

I want doctors and lawyers and magicians and that.

What is it you do out in the real world, Conor?

I'm a primary school teacher.

See! That's a start!

Good looking guy with a proper job!

You can stay!

That's a doddle, that. Teaching.

Not really. It's actually a big responsibility.

Away you go! Two plus two is four,

quick game of rounders and you're done.

You throw a dart at a teacher's calendar

and you're bound to hit a holiday.

I do a lot of paperwork during the holidays.

Ach! Your bum does a lot of paperwork, son.

Come on, will you drink up? You're making me look bad.

You don't need him to make you look bad, Jimmy.

You look like a pound-shop Noel Edmonds.

Acht.

I've fallen down a big hole again.

Get that down you.

That'll put hair on your balls.

Maybe I don't want hair on my balls.

Ooooh. Nice.

I like a man that grooms himself up a bit.

Away you go!

It's against nature, all that sack, back and crack malarkey.

Aye, you'd know. You could stuff a pillow wi' your pubic hair!

And how would you know that?!

I saw you bend over when you were changing for the fun run.

I thought you had Jeremy Clarkson in a thigh-lock.

Better than having the Mitchell Brothers

clacking about up your kilt.

A lot of guys trim their downstairs now.

Eh? You'll be telling me next you use "de-odorant".

Don't you?

Son, I've never used "de-odorant" in my puff. I'm a country boy.

My body's natural oils keep me fresh.

Oh, right, I just assumed you'd shat yourself crossing that ravine.

DOGS BARK FEROCIOUSLY

Get off me, go on, get off me!

I'll take my shoe to you! Go on!

It'll be the shoe for you. Don't make me use the shoe.

Bloody dogs. They want shooting!

Horrible bloody things. They hate me. I don't know why.

-Nice shoe.

-Thanks, Jim, it's a Clarks.

They're comfy, and you get years of wear out of them.

If anyone ever asks me for advice shoe-wise,

I steer them towards a Clarks. Who's your pal?

-This is Conor. He's new.

-Hiya.

Usual, Bill?

Yes. Thanking you.

And keep ten pence for yourself.

You can't take it with you, can you?

-Might as well spend it, eh?

-Thanks, Bill.

Say no more, Jules. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours, right?

Yeah, cheers again, Bill.

I just mean, you keep serving me drinks

and I'll keep giving you ten pence.

It's not legally binding or anything.

Just a bit of chat more than anything.

A bit of a conversational cul-de-sac, to be honest.

It's because I spend all my time with the dogs.

They've no chat.

Bill's our dog handler,

and a fellow founder member of the Busted Femur Rescue Team.

He helps us to find the corpses when they're trapped under the snow,

or stuck in a crack, that sort of thing.

I'm no stranger to a frostbitten leg in a Waitrose bag,

let's just leave it at that.

So they're your dogs outside? Seem a bit out of sorts.

They hate me! They all do!

-I wish I'd never seen a dog!

-So why do you still have them?

It's the family business. My father was a dog man,

my grandfather was a dog man, my great-grandfather was a...

-Dog man.

-Yes!

It's like someone walked over my grave.

How did you know that about my great-grandfather, you spooky bugger?

How could you possibly know that? He was a dog man, yes.

He's got the shine on him this one, Jim.

I don't understand dogs.

My father used to say that dog was god backwards.

But then my mother used to say that ABBA was ABBA backwards.

Which it is.

There was a lot of shite talked in our house, to be honest with you.

But they did love their dogs.

-Did you never think of doing something else?

-Oh, yes,

I wanted to be a ballet dancer.

But it wasn't to be.

I was born in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong legs.

Are you not having a proper drink there, young fella?

-Er, no, I'm fine.

-The boy has been contaminated by the Inverkelly mob.

Inverkelly?! I hate them!

Giving it the big "I am" because they've got a helicopter!

Who needs a helicopter

when you've a good set of Clarks shoes on your feet?

Well, he won't take a drink when he's on the job.

The season doesn't start for another two weeks. Drink up!

-Come on, lad! Get that down the hatch!

-Have a drink, boy!

ALL: Drink! Drink! Drink!

CHEERING

YES!

Help!

Help!

MUSIC: "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

You never said what you do for a day job?

He drives an ice cream van!

Hey! What'd you tell him that for?

I never told him you were a barmaid.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh! That'll be an emergency!

"Granny with low blood sugar! I want 20cc of raspberry ripple!"

"Get me a ninety nine, stat!"

Look, he's flaking out!

I love this! Let's keep pointing out Jimmy's low-status job,

it diminishes his stature and elevates the rest of us.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Yes, Jimmy Miller speaking.

Roger that.

Roger that.

Roger that.

Was that Roger?

Aye, very funny!

Just you keep laughing.

I'd like to see you last five minutes on that mountainside.

Aye. And I'd like to see you take a bath!

No, I don't mean I would like to SEE you take a bath.

No. That's not what I want!

Why do you twist everything I say?! You're disgusting!

-Right, you, Speccy McBrainbox, get your coat on.

-Right now?

Yes, right now. Someone has taken a Rod Hull off the mountain.

It's time us men went to work.

Don't open that!

DOGS BARK AND HOWL

Our best option is a quick scramble through Vertigo Valley.

Erm. Should we still be drinking?

Course we should still be drinking! Steadies the nerve!

Never a dull moment up there!

-Do you see a lot of action, then?

-Well, not really.

Most of the girls round here are a bit too Gordon Ramsay for my tastes.

That lassie off the lunchtime news

gave me a ball hum in the gent's once

but that's only cos I told her I was a producer off The One Show.

No, I mean action up the mountain?

I really need to push myself at this. Make my mark.

Certain people find it very hard to take you seriously

when you work with under-sevens.

Certain people?

-My father-in-law. Rupert. He hates me.

-I'm sure he doesn't.

-He cut the brakes on my moped.

-Oh.

-He offered me 50 grand to move to Brazil.

-Uh-huh.

-He shot me with a crossbow.

-Could have been an accident.

-In Debenhams?!

-Let's have a look at you.

That's it. Stand up straight!

You won't be needing any of this rubbish.

Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

That is the kind of reasoning that led us to Hiroshima.

Perfect.

Help!

That sounds like someone in pain!

Finally!

Mountain rescue! Don't worry, love, you're in safe hands now.

-What's your name?

-It's Bernie.

You don't hear of many Bernies knocking about now, do you?

Can you tell us what happened, Bernie?

Well, my parents didn't know if I would be a boy or a girl and...

-No. I mean just now.

-Oh, I fell.

Right. Let's get you shifted. Can you stand?

Oh! Oh, no! My foot's too swollen.

Maybe if you could take off my boot.

-On you go, son.

-Hang on, I'll just...

Oh! Ohhhh!

Bernie! This is the new boy Conor.

Conor, this is my oldest friend, our chief of operations,

Miss Bernadette Taylor.

But her leg's off!

Aye. She's got a false leg.

I had to have the leg off cos of the diabetes and that!

But I'm fine now, son.

Well, apart from the diabetes which is a pain in the backside.

I sometimes get wee dots in front of my eyes if I stand up too quickly,

and I did have an unhealthy obsession with John Nettles,

which ended with a restraining order,

but other than that, I'm good to go.

-Welcome to mountain rescue!

-Are you mad?!

Take no notice, Bernie, he's been tainted by the Inverkelly mob.

Helicopter wankers!

This is so irresponsible. What if someone really needed us today?

Don't be so soft!

There'll be no-one near these hills for at least another two weeks.

Until then, there will not be a single incident up this mountain.

Or my name's not Jimmy Mountain Goat Miller! What the...?

Oooh!

What are you doing?

It's an accident. We have to put it into the accident book.

-Shattered fibula?

-Yup!

-Smashin'.

Right then, let's get you up.

Ooooooh!

It's my own fault, I never strapped my leg on properly.

Here? Anyone know the number for mountain rescue?

Oh, don't! Oh, this is sore!

-What the hell do you think you're doing?

-Well, I'm not entirely sure.

-You nearly killed Jimmy!

-Oh, yes! Would you mind calling me a cab?

Have you been drinking?

I think I probably have.

It would certainly explain why I can't feel this.

Oooooh!

Oh, look. She's awake, at last. You feeling up to a climb?

I shouldn't leave you. Look at the state of you!

You get your wee bum up that ledge there.

See if you can't get a phone signal.

That no' a bit dangerous?

Danger is our middle name!

Hilary is your middle name.

Anyway, you said you wanted to be a real man.

Well, now's your chance!

You're right! I can do this!

Ah, it's nice to get out of that bastarding hole.

You're doing well, son! Stay focused!

Do not let anything distract you.

What's that?

I said, do not let anything distrac...

Aaah!

That was lucky. I think his legs broke his fall.

Ah! There you are there now!

-So how did it go then? Did he fall for it?

-Yes.

Oh, Bernie! Have you broke your arm?

-Just a wee bit!

-You've taken it a bit far this time, have you not?

I mean, this is veering into mental illness, this prank.

This isn't a practical joke. Bernie fell.

Right. Where's the lad?

He climbed Dead Man's Ledge to get a phone signal.

Dead Man's Ledge?

That's one of the tougher ledges, is it not?

-Happy now? With your little prank?

-Yes!

-I'm in agony!

Yeah, well, don't take it personal, son.

-We've all been through it.

-Oh!

You all got crippled with life-threatening injuries on your first day?

It's a sort of initiation.

You don't initiate volunteers!

Don't be such a lightweight! It goes with the territory.

No, it doesn't.

I did Saturdays at Oxfam, they never tied me up with a Dyson hose

and poked Fifty Shades of Grey up my arse, did they?

Animals! The lot of you!

Anyhoo, we'll be fine now because Bill is here!

That's right! I'll just put a call into headquarters.

But I need to go and get a signal.

I'll head on up to Genocide Gully.

-Wait, you don't...

-Oww!

Bill? Bill!

Are you OK?

Yup.

I just put my foot in a rabbit hole.

At least, I'm assuming it's a rabbit hole.

It's a hole, and there's a rabbit in it.

So unless there's been a huge coincidence,

or the rabbit's renting from a vole or something,

and I'll be honest, I'm anthropomorphising a fair bit there,

I'm fairly certain it's a rabbit hole.

Is there a bone sticking out?

How does he know that?!

I told you! He's got the shine on him!

I can't look! Is it bad?

ALL: Ooooh!

That's it then! We're dead.

How long has it been?

19 minutes.

I can't stand it! I'm starving!

Anyone?

Something! No?

I've got this emergency tin of pineapple chunks.

I always keep it with me!

Brilliant! Well done!

You got a tin opener?

Not especially, no.

THUMP!

Nothing to eat.

What if we're not found for two weeks?

What if it's even longer?

We'll have to resort to cannibalism.

Well, you're not eating me!

I'm 74th in line to the throne.

Probably.

I've already lost one leg.

I wouldn't be much use to my Zumba class if I lost the other.

I've got a new wife, and a baby on the way,

and some of the kids in my class are orphans.

Well, I've a sister in Ballymena

who runs a cat hospital.

That's how it is, eh?

Even you, Bill.

-After everything I've done for you, you'd throw me to the wolves?

-Yes.

-Judas!

-That's a bit of a dated reference, isn't it?

All right, then. Aye, yon bloke that dobbed in Bin Laden! You're him!

Dr Shakil Afridi!

How the hell do you know that?

I do a pub quiz on a Tuesday night.

You've never invited me to this pub quiz, Bill.

Come on now, Jim. You're not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.

There was a bottle of Peach Malibu at stake, we can't fuck about!

You're all against me, eh? All of you!

I see how it is!

"Jimmy's not got anyone, he should be the main course."

That's very Christian of you!

Come on, then. Come on, you bloody savages!

What are you waiting for? This is what you want, isn't it?

Come on!

Let's have one of wee Jimmy's drumsticks, shall we?!

We could use the bones for soup!

What about you, Bernie?

Feel a bit peckish?! There's a wee bit of rump!

Get it down your neck! I hope it chokes you!

What are you waiting for?! Come on! Eat me! Eat me!

'This is Inverkelly Mountain Rescue. Do you require assistance?'

Oh, no! Not those wankers!

'I repeat. Do you require assistance?'

No. Everything is under control. Thanks for asking!

'Do you require medical attention?'

No! No! All is well!

How about a new pair of trousers, Jimmy, ya daft old bugger?

So, how was your day, Ronnie?

I've had better birthdays.

DOGS BARK AND HOWL

Get back! It'll be the crutch for you! Back!

You heartless, backstabbing Jezebel!

I'm gone two minutes and you're redecorating!

-Don't worry, Jimmy, I think you'll like it!

-Eh?