Monks Comedy Playhouse

ALL: Ooh.

Ahh.

Oh!

Oh, I do love Antiques Roadshow.

-ALARM

-Right! That's it. Time's up.

Come on, Brother Francis! Top Gear's on soon...

Even God likes Top Gear. Eh, Abbot?

Well, every time I watch Jeremy Clarkson, I do think "Dear Lord..."

Shut up, Brother Gary. You know the rules! Brother Dominic?

11 minutes of television per week.

Programmes must feature either religion, antiques or...

Gloria Hunniford.

-Thank you, Bernard.

-But can't we change the rules?

That's how the Church of England started.

I have got a few suggestions. I've put them in the suggestions box.

We don't have a suggestions box.

That was my first suggestion. Make a box.

Let me see.

"We do an exchange trip with some nuns.

"Preferably Swedish."

Please, Lord, just smite him.

"Non-uniform day.

"Communion ice cream"?

To go with the Communion wafers.

Here's MY suggestion. Give it here.

Thank you.

Two words.

It's a book? The Bible.

I know I'm new to this,

but sometimes being a monk doesn't seem that enjoyable.

You're doing it right, then.

-I think I'd find it easier if we had some sort of incentive scheme.

-We do.

It's Heaven.

Yeah, but something a bit more real. Like Nectar points.

Do you mind me asking, monk to monk, why do you do it?

It's a vocation.

Really? I'd have chosen somewhere warmer. What about you, Bernard?

Why did you join?

Well...this is ten years ago.

I was drinking a lot, and I found myself in a very dark place.

Then, I saw a blinding light.

And that was...God?

No, it was a train. I'd fallen asleep on a level crossing.

I woke up in hospital.

The Abbot was in the bed next to me.

Vasectomy.

We don't ask.

Anyway, we shared a taxi back, and I've been here ever since.

You became a monk to save on a cab fare?

It was certainly a factor.

Half an hour till lights out.

Is there anything fun we can do?

We could read? The Bible?

-There is one thing, but... Oh, it's totally against the rules.

-What?

-We could visit Bertha.

-Bertha?

-Big Bertha.

I'm warning you, Gary, she's massive. And very loud.

And only Francis is allowed to touch her.

BELLS RING

Woo hoo! I am loving Bertha.

Sorry, Gary, can't you ring her quietly?

-Bernard, any requests?

-I used to love a bit of Sade.

Stop it! Stop it!

Get your filthy hands off my Bertha.

What's going on? Are we being invaded?

Please, Abbot. As your deputy I can deal with this.

Give it here, you sacrilegious baboon!

No! Why can't the rest of us have a go?

-There's a good reason.

-Oh, yeah?

-Was that the reason?

-No.

CREAKING

Was that the reason?

Well, I'm no expert, but I think we're going to need a new bell.

And a new floor.

That's the two main problems, really. The bell and the floor.

You idiot! This is going to cost a fortune!

I told you this would happen, Father. Taking on a dole scrounger!

Francis, Francis. Wasn't our Lord himself a dole scrounger, in a way?

No!

No, well, it was worth a try. This is very serious, Gary.

A monastery must have a bell, to call the monks to prayer.

It's an absolute essential. Like habits, or Bibles or...

-Sodastream?

-Yes...no.

Do we have enough money to pay for it, Father?

Dominic, I very much doubt it. Francis?

Let me see, our current balance is four...

..Four.

I suppose that's the downside to a vow of poverty. The poverty.

Chin up, guys. We can raise the money.

Let's do one of those naked charity calendars.

Brothers in the Buff.

January, Bernard,

with just a New Testament covering his old testaments.

No, no, we're not doing any nudity,

the Pope's got enough to worry about.

I'll go and call the Vatican and discuss what to do.

You three tidy up a bit, and try not to break anything else.

Unless it's your legs. Or neck.

Or face.

This is terrible. Oh, no!

I always get a nose bleed when I've sinned.

It's like a nasal stigmata.

Cheer up, Gary. This might not be as bad as it looks.

Honestly?

No, I was just trying to make you feel better.

It's really bad.

Broken bell, smashed floor, secret crypt...

-What?

-There's a secret crypt?

-How do you know that?

-What are we waiting for?

-No, Gary! We're in enough trouble as it is.

It'll be fun, Dom!

We all know where too much fun leads.

Vegas?

No! The place of eternal damnation from whence we shall never return.

Swindon.

BEEPING

Allora?

Ah, your grace. Sorry to bother you.

-We have a small problem.

-'Ugh. Bore me.'

Bell...floor... Bell through floor...

Sorry, the Pope's just tweeted me.

He's such a wag, that guy.

Yeah, well, it's not sounding good, is it?

And I notice that you lost two more monks this year.

Well, Brother Christopher left to get married...

That's one.

..to Brother Benjamin.

I despair, I really do.

As for the current crisis,

I shall have a word with the Vatican Bank and give you a bell.

That's brilliant. Problem solved.

No, I mean I'll call you back, obviously.

'In the meantime, I suggest you get fundraising.'

Oh, good Lord, is that the time? I have to go.

I'm having lunch with Bono. Yawn.

'Ciao, ciao.'

Ah!

Francis, I didn't hear you come in.

Are you all right? You look troubled.

I've been having feelings about one of the other monks.

-I see. Un-monkly feelings?

-Yes.

I can't stop fantasising about Brother Gary.

Killing him.

Don't be too hard on him. We all make mistakes.

Remember, when you first joined the monastery,

it was to escape a mistake that you'd made.

That's different. Everyone should be allowed an off day.

I know, Francis. I just think air traffic control wasn't for you.

Please sit.

I'm worried about you. You're such an angry, angry monk.

-But the bell!

-No, it's not just the bell. No, no.

You've been like this a while.

You're not going to have another one of your episodes, are you?

We don't want a repeat of the women priests argument.

I didn't hit her!

So much tension.

Let it out, Francis, let it out.

You know, when I was a Buddhist, I meditated for five hours a day.

You were a Buddhist?!

Long time ago. I was on a rebound from the Moonies.

Deep breath.

-LOUD CRACK

-Aaaaah!

I learnt that from a Hungarian. Immensely strong and very hairy.

I forget her name.

While I make some fundraising calls, I want you to listen to this.

"Relaxation for Beginners"?

There's a wonderful section where one pretends to be a dolphin.

HE MAKES A DOLPHIN NOISE

Raaaaaaah!

Sorry.

Look. What's that?

We've found it.

It's the Holy Grail!

-Gary, it's an old wine press.

-I knew that.

But cop a load of this.

Brilliant. A coffin! Let's open it.

No, Gary! What if it's cursed?

Come on, Dom. You don't believe in all that supernatural,

someone-coming-back-from-the-dead stuff?

Like Jesus?

It'll be fine. Trust me...

Aaaaaah!

-Haven't opened it yet.

-I was just practising.

CREAKING

See, it's fine.

ALL: Aaaaaaaaah!

Oh, no!

That reminds me of Christmas Day, 1975.

My parents bought me a puppy.

And?

Well, they'd wrapped it and hidden it in November, so...

It's got something in its bony hand.

Probably a treasure map.

Hmm. How's your Latin, Bernard?

Well, it's all right for ordering in restaurants

and basic directions, but other than that...

I'll do it. I got an A star.

"Here lies Brother Ignatius of Gloucester...

"Master winemaker of Rudley Abbey."

So, hang on. We've got a winemaker and a wine press.

Where's the wine?

Well, um... No...

-Well, there is...

-Bernard?

All right, there are 300 bottles over there.

Holy shizzle.

It's like a medieval Oddbins.

-Brother Bernard!

-I was going to tell you.

This must be worth a fortune.

We can flog it, buy a new bell, and bingo, we're off the hook.

Ignatius, you beauty.

No tongues.

-RECORDED FEMALE VOICE:

-We all feel anger sometimes.

It's important to let it out.

Try screaming, or shouting, in a private place. Try it now.

Go on.

I'm doing it!

-FEEBLY:

-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Good.

Now close your eyes and try vocalising the object of your anger.

It could be work, or family.

Gary.

Good. Now try shouting it. Go on.

GARY!

There, does that feel better?

Well done. You've said goodbye to anger and "Yo, what's up?" to calm.

Now, are you ready to unleash your inner dolphin?

HE SQUEAKS LIKE A DOLPHIN

-We're really not supposed to leave the monastery.

-Or steal the minibus.

Boys, trust me, if you want to shift some priceless medieval wine,

this is the place.

Roll up roll up! Ye Olde wine-y for sale-y.

Do you really think we can sell it?

Yeah, you can sell anything out of the back of a car.

My Uncle Clive sold his kidney. Two for the price of one.

I haven't seen him in ages...

No, I mean, it's hundreds of years old. It could be poisonous.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Bernard?

What's the worst that could happen?

Rats could have weed in it and left traces of the bubonic plague.

Good point. I'll just have a sip.

How many have we tested now?

12. Well, you have to be sure.

Oh, dear. I think I might be drunk. I've never been drunk before.

You're telling me you've never had eight pints of Snakebite,

six Bacardi Breezers and a Jagerbomb,

stuck a traffic cone on your head and shouted "I AM GANDALF!"

No.

You need to get out more.

Right, come on, you lush, we've got a bell to pay for.

Oh, yes, I can't wait to see the Abbot's face...

Gary. Dominic. Have you been drinking?

-SIMULTANEOUSLY: No.

-Yes.

Oh, why can't I lie?

Where's Bernard?

MAN SOBS

I'm sorry, Abbot.

Oh, do man up, Dominic. I'm very disappointed, brothers.

The bell was an accident, but this, this...

Forgive me, Father. Brother Gary...

Muffin?

Is it poisoned?

No! It's Mary Berry. I've been baking.

I've also got a Battenberg in the oven.

This isn't like you, Brother Francis.

No, you're right. It's the new, calmer, nicer me.

-I am a placid dolphin.

-HE SQUEAKS QUIETLY

So...you're not doing to have a go at me?

Even though I stole the minibus and got Dominic drunk?

S...staying calm.

They also concealed a crypt and desecrated a tomb.

In with anger, out with buns.

And Bernard set fire to a car.

BATTENBURG!

SKYPE RINGTONE

Oh, dear, it's the Cardinal.

Hello, your grace.

A frappuccino and a chunky Kit Kat.

Are they all there?

Yes, your...

Ugh. You look like a deformed One Direction.

Now, listen. The Vatican Bank agreed to pay for your bell...

Ah!

..until they saw this.

So, you have until the end of the month to raise the funds

or you'll be shut down and merged with another order.

A Swedish nunnery!

Er, no. St Engelbert's Priory.

That sounds nice. Where is it?

The Falklands. Ciao, ciao.

SQUEAKS AGGRESSIVELY

Dear Lord...

First-time caller, so a bit nervous...

Look, I know I've messed up.

It's my fault the Abbey's in a financial hole and the bell's...

in an actual hole, but if you give us the money to fix Bertha,

I promise I'll actually read the Bible.

Or at least get the audiobook.

Yours sincerely, Gary.

Smiley face.

Yeah, so if you could give us a sign? No rush.

Well, bit of a rush.

-All right, Gary.

-Argh!

-Bernard! Where did you come from?

-Did I not mention the secret tunnel?

-There's a secret tunnel?

-How did you know that?

-RECORDED FEMALE VOICE:

-Now you've lit the candles, just sink back

and enjoy that sensual, decadent bath foam.

Don't worry, your Holiness, it's unperfumed.

You know what would really help you unwind?

Enya.

MUSIC: "Sail Away" by Enya

-HE SINGS ALONG:

-# Sail away, sail away... #

GLASS SMASHES

CHEERING

-What's the password?

-Bernard?

-No, try again.

-Bernard, it's me, Dominic.

-No, still not it.

-What's going on in there?

Ooh, that's it. Come in.

-What's all this?

-It's a wine bar.

-Dominic! Welcome to...Gary's!

-Gary, have you gone mad?

There are...female ladies!

Come on, Dom, what's wrong with attractive young men and women

coming together, flirting and getting drunk

-in an atmosphere of hedonistic abandon?

-It's a monastery.

-How did they even get in here?

-Well, turns out the secret crypt

has a secret tunnel.

Comes out by the secret Tesco garage.

And they do some great bar snacks.

I've got Monster Munch, Ginsters or de-icer.

-All right, babes?

-Oh, no! Nosebleed!

Where's the ladies' toilet?

We're monks, we don't have a ladies' toilet.

I'm sorry, Gary, but this is so wrong!

It is my religious duty to tell on you.

Wait, wait, wait. Dommy, Dommy...the Domster, D-Dogg.

Don't you think we found this crypt for a reason?

Yes, because you smashed a bell into it.

OK, fair point, but also maybe God wanted us

to break the bell, to find the crypt, to sell the wine, to pay for the bell

that broke the floor and found the wine inside the crypt.

It all finally makes sense.

We couldn't sell the wine outside, so as the Bible says,

"Let the mountain come to Mohammed."

No, it doesn't.

What's Bernard doing now?

Ah, well, to keep up with demand, we've stocked up on grapes

and we are going to make our own wine.

Sauvignon Monk.

So, we've got Ignatius's old press working again.

And a few modernisations to speed things up.

Is that the Abbey lawnmower?

I didn't know you knew electrics.

Ah, you pick these things up. I once made a home generator

after the police had turned off my electricity.

Oh, yeah? Why did they do that?

To end the siege.

Right, here goes.

MACHINE WHIRRS

-It's grape-aggedon!

-I could lose a lot of blood here.

TOILET FLUSHES

Sorry! I was bursting.

WOMAN!

Stop looking at my...p...p...Pope!

Isn't it beautiful?

You know, and this is going to sound totally crazy,

but I'm starting to think God might exist after all.

You can't be a monk and not believe in God.

You could be in the Church of England.

It's just as well I'm starting to believe,

or He could make something really bad happen.

Hello, Francis.

Want...to...kill.

Gary, would you like to explain?

What makes you think it's all my fault?

The giant handwritten sign saying "Garys Bar".

It's a disgrace.

It is. And there isn't even an apostrophe.

Father, please don't be too angry.

Gary was only doing it to pay for the bell. We're not hurting anyone.

EVERYONE: Hurrah!

Apart from Bernard.

I can't feel my face.

Brother Gary. You...heretical gimp!

-You've ruined my monastery!

-It's God's monastery, Francis.

Remember, we discussed this. You're very close to him

but you are still his junior.

I wish you were dead!

Come on, Lord, now's your chance. I'll hold him still.

Francis. Think of the dolphins.

Sod the dolphins.

I told you this would happen, Father.

He's disobedient, disrespectful, disgusting...

He smells. He's got stupid hair...

His face makes me feel physically sick.

Steady on, Francis. He is still here.

Gary, Gary, Gary.

You've broken a lot of rules and several licensing laws.

I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.

I'm angry and disappointed. But mainly angry.

Perhaps the Falkland Islands won't be so bad.

The cold might even be good for my arthritis.

I really am sorry, Father.

Yes, well, It's too late now, Go on, go and clean up your mess.

You're too soft on him, Father. If I were Abbot...

Yes, but you're not, Francis.

-Now, why don't you go and help him clean?

-But....

Francis, what would Jesus do?

F...f...

F...f...

forgive?

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

Stupid...WHOA!

Oh, balls.

MACHINE WHIRS Oh, come on.

OK, fine, I deserve it. Do your worst.

Really?

WHIRRING SLOWS Happy now?

Argh! Grapes.

Brother Gary...

Oh, you are having a laugh.

Gary?

Gary. The Abbot sent me to help.

I'm very sorry for strangling you.

Not.

BANG

Oh, no!

Gaaaaaaaary!

He would have been pulped to bits.

Poor Gary.

Turned into human wine.

It's what he would have wanted.

Forgive me, Gary.

I wished him dead. Why, Lord? You've never listened to me before!

Pull yourself together, Francis. This was a tragic accident.

I'd better go and call the police. And the Pope.

I know we had very different approaches to monking.

I believed in following the rules, you...

you were a complete cretin.

But a nice cretin.

Who I've killed...

If only I could tell you I was sorry...

GARY'S VOICE, ECHOEY: You can.

Did you hear that?

I am the spirit of Brother Gary. Back once again, like a...

renegade master. I will forgive you, Brother Francis.

Really?

On one condition. A few conditions.

What?

All monks can watch two hours of TV every night.

Two hours?!

One and a quarter?

30 minutes.

Done. And you seriously consider my suggestion for Communion ice cream.

Hang on a minute...

Gary!

-You're alive!

-Hello.

It's a miracle!

No. It's an idiot in his pants.

Isn't it time to call us all to prayers?

Oh, no. You wouldn't...

Vespers!

BELL RINGS Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

And the good news, Brother Gary, is that this is

the only surviving example of a 14th century wine press left in the UK,

-and I think it's worth a lot of money.

-Get in.

Sorry. Um, praise be.

I understand you might want to sell this

and use the proceeds to repair the ancient bell tower at the Monastery?

Yeah, and if there's any left over we're getting a Sodastream

and a Playstation.

We're also joined by a senior monk from the monastery, Brother Francis.

Hello.

Big fan.

Can you tell us a little bit about the life you lead at the abbey?

Certainly, Marc. Where to begin?

ALARM

What's going on?

Sorry, Francis! 11 minutes.

Rules are rules.

You...

HE MAKES DOLPHIN SOUND