Monks Comedy Playhouse


Monks

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Transcript


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ALL: Ooh.

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Ahh.

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Oh!

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Oh, I do love Antiques Roadshow.

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-ALARM

-Right! That's it. Time's up.

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Come on, Brother Francis! Top Gear's on soon...

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Even God likes Top Gear. Eh, Abbot?

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Well, every time I watch Jeremy Clarkson, I do think "Dear Lord..."

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Shut up, Brother Gary. You know the rules! Brother Dominic?

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11 minutes of television per week.

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Programmes must feature either religion, antiques or...

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Gloria Hunniford.

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-Thank you, Bernard.

-But can't we change the rules?

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That's how the Church of England started.

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I have got a few suggestions. I've put them in the suggestions box.

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We don't have a suggestions box.

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That was my first suggestion. Make a box.

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Let me see.

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"We do an exchange trip with some nuns.

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"Preferably Swedish."

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Please, Lord, just smite him.

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"Non-uniform day.

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"Communion ice cream"?

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To go with the Communion wafers.

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Here's MY suggestion. Give it here.

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Thank you.

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Two words.

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It's a book? The Bible.

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I know I'm new to this,

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but sometimes being a monk doesn't seem that enjoyable.

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You're doing it right, then.

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-I think I'd find it easier if we had some sort of incentive scheme.

-We do.

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It's Heaven.

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Yeah, but something a bit more real. Like Nectar points.

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Do you mind me asking, monk to monk, why do you do it?

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It's a vocation.

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Really? I'd have chosen somewhere warmer. What about you, Bernard?

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Why did you join?

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Well...this is ten years ago.

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I was drinking a lot, and I found myself in a very dark place.

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Then, I saw a blinding light.

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And that was...God?

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No, it was a train. I'd fallen asleep on a level crossing.

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I woke up in hospital.

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The Abbot was in the bed next to me.

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Vasectomy.

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We don't ask.

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Anyway, we shared a taxi back, and I've been here ever since.

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You became a monk to save on a cab fare?

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It was certainly a factor.

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Half an hour till lights out.

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Is there anything fun we can do?

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We could read? The Bible?

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-There is one thing, but... Oh, it's totally against the rules.

-What?

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-We could visit Bertha.

-Bertha?

-Big Bertha.

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I'm warning you, Gary, she's massive. And very loud.

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And only Francis is allowed to touch her.

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BELLS RING

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Woo hoo! I am loving Bertha.

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Sorry, Gary, can't you ring her quietly?

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-Bernard, any requests?

-I used to love a bit of Sade.

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Stop it! Stop it!

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Get your filthy hands off my Bertha.

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What's going on? Are we being invaded?

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Please, Abbot. As your deputy I can deal with this.

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Give it here, you sacrilegious baboon!

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No! Why can't the rest of us have a go?

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-There's a good reason.

-Oh, yeah?

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-Was that the reason?

-No.

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CREAKING

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Was that the reason?

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Well, I'm no expert, but I think we're going to need a new bell.

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And a new floor.

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That's the two main problems, really. The bell and the floor.

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You idiot! This is going to cost a fortune!

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I told you this would happen, Father. Taking on a dole scrounger!

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Francis, Francis. Wasn't our Lord himself a dole scrounger, in a way?

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No!

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No, well, it was worth a try. This is very serious, Gary.

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A monastery must have a bell, to call the monks to prayer.

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It's an absolute essential. Like habits, or Bibles or...

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-Sodastream?

-Yes...no.

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Do we have enough money to pay for it, Father?

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Dominic, I very much doubt it. Francis?

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Let me see, our current balance is four...

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..Four.

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I suppose that's the downside to a vow of poverty. The poverty.

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Chin up, guys. We can raise the money.

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Let's do one of those naked charity calendars.

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Brothers in the Buff.

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January, Bernard,

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with just a New Testament covering his old testaments.

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No, no, we're not doing any nudity,

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the Pope's got enough to worry about.

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I'll go and call the Vatican and discuss what to do.

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You three tidy up a bit, and try not to break anything else.

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Unless it's your legs. Or neck.

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Or face.

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This is terrible. Oh, no!

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I always get a nose bleed when I've sinned.

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It's like a nasal stigmata.

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Cheer up, Gary. This might not be as bad as it looks.

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Honestly?

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No, I was just trying to make you feel better.

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It's really bad.

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Broken bell, smashed floor, secret crypt...

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-What?

-There's a secret crypt?

-How do you know that?

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-What are we waiting for?

-No, Gary! We're in enough trouble as it is.

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It'll be fun, Dom!

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We all know where too much fun leads.

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Vegas?

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No! The place of eternal damnation from whence we shall never return.

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Swindon.

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BEEPING

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Allora?

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Ah, your grace. Sorry to bother you.

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-We have a small problem.

-'Ugh. Bore me.'

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Bell...floor... Bell through floor...

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Sorry, the Pope's just tweeted me.

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He's such a wag, that guy.

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Yeah, well, it's not sounding good, is it?

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And I notice that you lost two more monks this year.

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Well, Brother Christopher left to get married...

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That's one.

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..to Brother Benjamin.

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I despair, I really do.

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As for the current crisis,

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I shall have a word with the Vatican Bank and give you a bell.

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That's brilliant. Problem solved.

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No, I mean I'll call you back, obviously.

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'In the meantime, I suggest you get fundraising.'

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Oh, good Lord, is that the time? I have to go.

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I'm having lunch with Bono. Yawn.

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'Ciao, ciao.'

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Ah!

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Francis, I didn't hear you come in.

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Are you all right? You look troubled.

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I've been having feelings about one of the other monks.

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-I see. Un-monkly feelings?

-Yes.

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I can't stop fantasising about Brother Gary.

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Killing him.

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Don't be too hard on him. We all make mistakes.

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Remember, when you first joined the monastery,

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it was to escape a mistake that you'd made.

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That's different. Everyone should be allowed an off day.

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I know, Francis. I just think air traffic control wasn't for you.

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Please sit.

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I'm worried about you. You're such an angry, angry monk.

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-But the bell!

-No, it's not just the bell. No, no.

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You've been like this a while.

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You're not going to have another one of your episodes, are you?

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We don't want a repeat of the women priests argument.

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I didn't hit her!

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So much tension.

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Let it out, Francis, let it out.

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You know, when I was a Buddhist, I meditated for five hours a day.

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You were a Buddhist?!

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Long time ago. I was on a rebound from the Moonies.

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Deep breath.

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-LOUD CRACK

-Aaaaah!

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I learnt that from a Hungarian. Immensely strong and very hairy.

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I forget her name.

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While I make some fundraising calls, I want you to listen to this.

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"Relaxation for Beginners"?

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There's a wonderful section where one pretends to be a dolphin.

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HE MAKES A DOLPHIN NOISE

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Raaaaaaah!

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Sorry.

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Look. What's that?

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We've found it.

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It's the Holy Grail!

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-Gary, it's an old wine press.

-I knew that.

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But cop a load of this.

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Brilliant. A coffin! Let's open it.

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No, Gary! What if it's cursed?

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Come on, Dom. You don't believe in all that supernatural,

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someone-coming-back-from-the-dead stuff?

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Like Jesus?

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It'll be fine. Trust me...

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Aaaaaah!

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-Haven't opened it yet.

-I was just practising.

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CREAKING

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See, it's fine.

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ALL: Aaaaaaaaah!

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Oh, no!

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That reminds me of Christmas Day, 1975.

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My parents bought me a puppy.

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And?

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Well, they'd wrapped it and hidden it in November, so...

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It's got something in its bony hand.

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Probably a treasure map.

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Hmm. How's your Latin, Bernard?

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Well, it's all right for ordering in restaurants

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and basic directions, but other than that...

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I'll do it. I got an A star.

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"Here lies Brother Ignatius of Gloucester...

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"Master winemaker of Rudley Abbey."

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So, hang on. We've got a winemaker and a wine press.

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Where's the wine?

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Well, um... No...

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-Well, there is...

-Bernard?

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All right, there are 300 bottles over there.

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Holy shizzle.

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It's like a medieval Oddbins.

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-Brother Bernard!

-I was going to tell you.

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This must be worth a fortune.

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We can flog it, buy a new bell, and bingo, we're off the hook.

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Ignatius, you beauty.

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No tongues.

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-RECORDED FEMALE VOICE:

-We all feel anger sometimes.

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It's important to let it out.

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Try screaming, or shouting, in a private place. Try it now.

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Go on.

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I'm doing it!

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-FEEBLY:

-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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Good.

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Now close your eyes and try vocalising the object of your anger.

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It could be work, or family.

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Gary.

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Good. Now try shouting it. Go on.

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GARY!

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There, does that feel better?

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Well done. You've said goodbye to anger and "Yo, what's up?" to calm.

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Now, are you ready to unleash your inner dolphin?

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HE SQUEAKS LIKE A DOLPHIN

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-We're really not supposed to leave the monastery.

-Or steal the minibus.

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Boys, trust me, if you want to shift some priceless medieval wine,

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this is the place.

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Roll up roll up! Ye Olde wine-y for sale-y.

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Do you really think we can sell it?

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Yeah, you can sell anything out of the back of a car.

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My Uncle Clive sold his kidney. Two for the price of one.

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I haven't seen him in ages...

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No, I mean, it's hundreds of years old. It could be poisonous.

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Well, there's only one way to find out.

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Bernard?

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What's the worst that could happen?

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Rats could have weed in it and left traces of the bubonic plague.

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Good point. I'll just have a sip.

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How many have we tested now?

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12. Well, you have to be sure.

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Oh, dear. I think I might be drunk. I've never been drunk before.

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You're telling me you've never had eight pints of Snakebite,

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six Bacardi Breezers and a Jagerbomb,

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stuck a traffic cone on your head and shouted "I AM GANDALF!"

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No.

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You need to get out more.

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Right, come on, you lush, we've got a bell to pay for.

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Oh, yes, I can't wait to see the Abbot's face...

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Gary. Dominic. Have you been drinking?

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-SIMULTANEOUSLY: No.

-Yes.

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Oh, why can't I lie?

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Where's Bernard?

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MAN SOBS

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I'm sorry, Abbot.

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Oh, do man up, Dominic. I'm very disappointed, brothers.

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The bell was an accident, but this, this...

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Forgive me, Father. Brother Gary...

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Muffin?

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Is it poisoned?

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No! It's Mary Berry. I've been baking.

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I've also got a Battenberg in the oven.

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This isn't like you, Brother Francis.

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No, you're right. It's the new, calmer, nicer me.

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-I am a placid dolphin.

-HE SQUEAKS QUIETLY

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So...you're not doing to have a go at me?

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Even though I stole the minibus and got Dominic drunk?

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S...staying calm.

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They also concealed a crypt and desecrated a tomb.

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In with anger, out with buns.

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And Bernard set fire to a car.

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BATTENBURG!

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SKYPE RINGTONE

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Oh, dear, it's the Cardinal.

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Hello, your grace.

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A frappuccino and a chunky Kit Kat.

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Are they all there?

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Yes, your...

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Ugh. You look like a deformed One Direction.

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Now, listen. The Vatican Bank agreed to pay for your bell...

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Ah!

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..until they saw this.

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So, you have until the end of the month to raise the funds

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or you'll be shut down and merged with another order.

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A Swedish nunnery!

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Er, no. St Engelbert's Priory.

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That sounds nice. Where is it?

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The Falklands. Ciao, ciao.

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SQUEAKS AGGRESSIVELY

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Dear Lord...

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First-time caller, so a bit nervous...

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Look, I know I've messed up.

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It's my fault the Abbey's in a financial hole and the bell's...

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in an actual hole, but if you give us the money to fix Bertha,

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I promise I'll actually read the Bible.

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Or at least get the audiobook.

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Yours sincerely, Gary.

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Smiley face.

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Yeah, so if you could give us a sign? No rush.

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Well, bit of a rush.

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-All right, Gary.

-Argh!

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-Bernard! Where did you come from?

-Did I not mention the secret tunnel?

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-There's a secret tunnel?

-How did you know that?

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-RECORDED FEMALE VOICE:

-Now you've lit the candles, just sink back

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and enjoy that sensual, decadent bath foam.

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Don't worry, your Holiness, it's unperfumed.

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You know what would really help you unwind?

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Enya.

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MUSIC: "Sail Away" by Enya

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-HE SINGS ALONG:

-# Sail away, sail away... #

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GLASS SMASHES

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CHEERING

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-What's the password?

-Bernard?

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-No, try again.

-Bernard, it's me, Dominic.

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-No, still not it.

-What's going on in there?

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Ooh, that's it. Come in.

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-What's all this?

-It's a wine bar.

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-Dominic! Welcome to...Gary's!

-Gary, have you gone mad?

0:19:260:19:31

There are...female ladies!

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Come on, Dom, what's wrong with attractive young men and women

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coming together, flirting and getting drunk

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-in an atmosphere of hedonistic abandon?

-It's a monastery.

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-How did they even get in here?

-Well, turns out the secret crypt

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has a secret tunnel.

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Comes out by the secret Tesco garage.

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And they do some great bar snacks.

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I've got Monster Munch, Ginsters or de-icer.

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-All right, babes?

-Oh, no! Nosebleed!

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Where's the ladies' toilet?

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We're monks, we don't have a ladies' toilet.

0:20:050:20:09

I'm sorry, Gary, but this is so wrong!

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It is my religious duty to tell on you.

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Wait, wait, wait. Dommy, Dommy...the Domster, D-Dogg.

0:20:150:20:18

Don't you think we found this crypt for a reason?

0:20:180:20:20

Yes, because you smashed a bell into it.

0:20:200:20:23

OK, fair point, but also maybe God wanted us

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to break the bell, to find the crypt, to sell the wine, to pay for the bell

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that broke the floor and found the wine inside the crypt.

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It all finally makes sense.

0:20:350:20:38

We couldn't sell the wine outside, so as the Bible says,

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"Let the mountain come to Mohammed."

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No, it doesn't.

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What's Bernard doing now?

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Ah, well, to keep up with demand, we've stocked up on grapes

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and we are going to make our own wine.

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Sauvignon Monk.

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So, we've got Ignatius's old press working again.

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And a few modernisations to speed things up.

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Is that the Abbey lawnmower?

0:21:040:21:06

I didn't know you knew electrics.

0:21:060:21:07

Ah, you pick these things up. I once made a home generator

0:21:070:21:10

after the police had turned off my electricity.

0:21:100:21:14

Oh, yeah? Why did they do that?

0:21:140:21:15

To end the siege.

0:21:150:21:18

Right, here goes.

0:21:180:21:20

MACHINE WHIRRS

0:21:220:21:23

-It's grape-aggedon!

-I could lose a lot of blood here.

0:21:230:21:26

TOILET FLUSHES

0:21:300:21:32

Sorry! I was bursting.

0:21:410:21:43

WOMAN!

0:21:430:21:45

Stop looking at my...p...p...Pope!

0:21:470:21:51

Isn't it beautiful?

0:21:560:21:57

You know, and this is going to sound totally crazy,

0:21:590:22:02

but I'm starting to think God might exist after all.

0:22:020:22:05

You can't be a monk and not believe in God.

0:22:050:22:07

You could be in the Church of England.

0:22:070:22:09

It's just as well I'm starting to believe,

0:22:090:22:11

or He could make something really bad happen.

0:22:110:22:14

Hello, Francis.

0:22:160:22:17

Want...to...kill.

0:22:170:22:19

Gary, would you like to explain?

0:22:220:22:23

What makes you think it's all my fault?

0:22:230:22:25

The giant handwritten sign saying "Garys Bar".

0:22:250:22:28

It's a disgrace.

0:22:280:22:30

It is. And there isn't even an apostrophe.

0:22:300:22:33

Father, please don't be too angry.

0:22:330:22:34

Gary was only doing it to pay for the bell. We're not hurting anyone.

0:22:340:22:39

EVERYONE: Hurrah!

0:22:390:22:40

Apart from Bernard.

0:22:400:22:42

I can't feel my face.

0:22:420:22:44

Brother Gary. You...heretical gimp!

0:22:450:22:49

-You've ruined my monastery!

-It's God's monastery, Francis.

0:22:490:22:52

Remember, we discussed this. You're very close to him

0:22:520:22:54

but you are still his junior.

0:22:540:22:56

I wish you were dead!

0:22:560:22:57

Come on, Lord, now's your chance. I'll hold him still.

0:22:570:23:00

Francis. Think of the dolphins.

0:23:000:23:01

Sod the dolphins.

0:23:010:23:03

I told you this would happen, Father.

0:23:060:23:08

He's disobedient, disrespectful, disgusting...

0:23:080:23:12

He smells. He's got stupid hair...

0:23:120:23:15

His face makes me feel physically sick.

0:23:150:23:18

Steady on, Francis. He is still here.

0:23:180:23:20

Gary, Gary, Gary.

0:23:230:23:24

You've broken a lot of rules and several licensing laws.

0:23:240:23:29

I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.

0:23:290:23:31

I'm angry and disappointed. But mainly angry.

0:23:310:23:36

Perhaps the Falkland Islands won't be so bad.

0:23:360:23:39

The cold might even be good for my arthritis.

0:23:390:23:41

I really am sorry, Father.

0:23:410:23:44

Yes, well, It's too late now, Go on, go and clean up your mess.

0:23:440:23:49

You're too soft on him, Father. If I were Abbot...

0:23:580:24:01

Yes, but you're not, Francis.

0:24:010:24:03

-Now, why don't you go and help him clean?

-But....

0:24:030:24:06

Francis, what would Jesus do?

0:24:060:24:09

F...f...

0:24:150:24:16

F...f...

0:24:220:24:24

forgive?

0:24:240:24:25

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

0:24:300:24:33

Stupid...WHOA!

0:24:400:24:43

Oh, balls.

0:24:430:24:44

MACHINE WHIRS Oh, come on.

0:24:440:24:46

OK, fine, I deserve it. Do your worst.

0:24:510:24:55

Really?

0:24:590:25:01

WHIRRING SLOWS Happy now?

0:25:030:25:05

Argh! Grapes.

0:25:070:25:08

Brother Gary...

0:25:100:25:11

Oh, you are having a laugh.

0:25:110:25:13

Gary?

0:25:130:25:17

Gary. The Abbot sent me to help.

0:25:190:25:23

I'm very sorry for strangling you.

0:25:260:25:30

Not.

0:25:300:25:31

BANG

0:25:330:25:35

Oh, no!

0:25:470:25:48

Gaaaaaaaary!

0:25:510:25:54

He would have been pulped to bits.

0:25:570:26:00

Poor Gary.

0:26:000:26:02

Turned into human wine.

0:26:020:26:04

It's what he would have wanted.

0:26:040:26:06

Forgive me, Gary.

0:26:080:26:10

I wished him dead. Why, Lord? You've never listened to me before!

0:26:100:26:15

Pull yourself together, Francis. This was a tragic accident.

0:26:150:26:19

I'd better go and call the police. And the Pope.

0:26:190:26:23

I know we had very different approaches to monking.

0:26:240:26:27

I believed in following the rules, you...

0:26:270:26:30

you were a complete cretin.

0:26:300:26:32

But a nice cretin.

0:26:340:26:35

Who I've killed...

0:26:360:26:38

If only I could tell you I was sorry...

0:26:390:26:44

GARY'S VOICE, ECHOEY: You can.

0:26:450:26:47

Did you hear that?

0:26:510:26:53

I am the spirit of Brother Gary. Back once again, like a...

0:26:530:26:59

renegade master. I will forgive you, Brother Francis.

0:26:590:27:05

Really?

0:27:050:27:07

On one condition. A few conditions.

0:27:070:27:10

What?

0:27:100:27:12

All monks can watch two hours of TV every night.

0:27:120:27:16

Two hours?!

0:27:170:27:19

One and a quarter?

0:27:190:27:20

30 minutes.

0:27:200:27:22

Done. And you seriously consider my suggestion for Communion ice cream.

0:27:220:27:30

Hang on a minute...

0:27:300:27:31

Gary!

0:27:320:27:34

-You're alive!

-Hello.

0:27:350:27:39

It's a miracle!

0:27:390:27:40

No. It's an idiot in his pants.

0:27:400:27:43

Isn't it time to call us all to prayers?

0:27:450:27:47

Oh, no. You wouldn't...

0:27:470:27:49

Vespers!

0:27:490:27:51

BELL RINGS Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

0:27:510:27:54

And the good news, Brother Gary, is that this is

0:28:000:28:03

the only surviving example of a 14th century wine press left in the UK,

0:28:030:28:07

-and I think it's worth a lot of money.

-Get in.

0:28:070:28:11

Sorry. Um, praise be.

0:28:120:28:14

I understand you might want to sell this

0:28:140:28:16

and use the proceeds to repair the ancient bell tower at the Monastery?

0:28:160:28:20

Yeah, and if there's any left over we're getting a Sodastream

0:28:200:28:23

and a Playstation.

0:28:230:28:25

We're also joined by a senior monk from the monastery, Brother Francis.

0:28:250:28:29

Hello.

0:28:290:28:30

Big fan.

0:28:300:28:32

Can you tell us a little bit about the life you lead at the abbey?

0:28:330:28:36

Certainly, Marc. Where to begin?

0:28:360:28:40

ALARM

0:28:400:28:41

What's going on?

0:28:430:28:45

Sorry, Francis! 11 minutes.

0:28:450:28:48

Rules are rules.

0:28:480:28:51

You...

0:28:510:28:52

HE MAKES DOLPHIN SOUND

0:28:520:28:57

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