Hospital People Comedy Playhouse

From maternity to the morgue,

from cardiovascular to urinogenital,

this is Hospital Radio.

Ivan Brackenbury!

-ROBOTIC VOICE RECORDING:

-He's bonkers! He's bonkers!

Ivan Brackenbury - the Cheerful Earful.

Hello, it's your friend and mine, Ivan Brackenbury!

What a wonderful morning at Brimlington Hospital!

We're LIVE on a Thursday.

-RECORDED JINGLE:

-# Friday! #

Oh, got the gremlins in the machinery.

# Saturday! #

You'll have to bear with me, these are on a loop.

# Sunday! #

Nearly there, just bear with me.

# Monday! #

I've got to go all the way around.

# Tuesday! Wednesday! #

Here we go - Thursday!

# 1966! 1967! #

It's another loop.

# 1968!

# Merry Christmas! #

Right, we're gonna leave it right there.

Look at that - Brimlington Hospital.

It's amazing! It's such a great model.

Think how much money we'd save if the hospital was really this small.

-Is this you, Susan?

-Yes, and with an intricate handmade model like this,

-you can really see where you're wasting your money.

-Mmm.

'As the new manager, I'm in the process of conducting'

a root and branch reform of the hospital.

Let me be absolutely clear - yes, Brimlington has had its problems,

but since I've taken over,

we've had one of the lowest MRSA rates in the country

and what that means is,

if you come into this hospital with a heart condition,

you're going to die of a heart condition

and not pick up a secondary infection along the way.

You're going to be fine, my love. I've got a good feeling about you.

Although your aura is quite purple around the edges.

-Can I look at your notes?

-Sorry, are you a doctor?

Oh, the amount of people who say that to me!

And it's a great question.

'Porter is my job title,'

but I do so much more than that.

I'm a psychic healer.

Everybody automatically thinks that means tarot cards, runestones,

"Is there anybody there? Give us a sign."

I mean, I do do all that, but I also do reiki.

-Can you just tell me what you're in for?

-I'm having a benign polyp...

-Benign polyp...

-..removed from my lung.

-Lung, right.

And you're going to trust a surgeon to do that?

Do you know your body can heal itself if only you allow it to?

-Do you have a nosebleed that's stopped?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Can you just take me to where I need to go, please?

It's reasonably urgent.

I'm starting to get a very bad feeling about this operation.

Have you made a will?

-# Hi, my name is

-What?

-# My name is

-Who?

# My name is... #

Ivan Brackenbury.

Please do keep your requests coming in.

Just stick them in the box outside the studio.

In fact, here's one now from Max,

who's waiting for a heart transplant.

He would like me to play Feargal Sharkey -

A Good Heart Is Hard To Find.

I think that's another one of our medical students there,

pulling my leg. They're not funny.

I know it makes people laugh, but that don't make it funny.

Anyway, I'm biding my time.

In seven years, they'll have graduated,

but I'll still be here doing my show, so who's the winner then, eh?

It's me. I am.

It's a DJ's job to have a bubbly personality

and make people feel happy.

I mean, some people say, instead of this state-of-the-art studio,

we could have had a life-support machine or an iron lung

or something, but, at the end of the day, this studio makes people happy.

Me, for one.

I mean, I've seen people on them kidney-dialysis machines

and they do look miserable.

MUSIC: Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood

WHIRRING

Beep-beep!

'Yeah, I do put a lot of humour into what I do.

'I think that's very important.

'I mean, obviously me being from Liverpool,

'it's famous for its sense of humour.'

Carla Lane, Craig Charles, Ken Dodd, Freddie Starr, Faith Brown,

erm, Mitch Benn, Jimmy Tarbuck - they're all from Liverpool.

And, despite them,

we've still got a reputation for a great sense of humour.

MUSIC: Love Is All Around by Wet Wet Wet

'Here's an idea for another record request.

'What about a person with dysentery -

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

HE LAUGHS

-I don't get it.

-"My rear".

A Problem Like My Rear?

Dysentery? No?

John Bishop would bite my arm off for a gag like that

and he's got the bloody teeth for it and all!

Oh, there's a lady in Carsington Ward

would like you to go and pray with her.

-OK, we'll take a communion, as well.

-Lovely!

How does that look for the altar?

The bollocks!

'Father Kenny likes to keep me busy.'

Sometimes when I'm doing the wheels, I imagine I'm Mary Magdalene

anointing the feet of Jesus,

except this isn't amber oil,

it's Turtle Wax.

Er, and I'm not a prostitute.

Hi, Terry, how are you today?

I've been better.

-Terry, we've done a lot of tests. You've had a CAT scan.

-Yeah.

-Well, that came back clear, so it's great.

-Hmm.

And all the other tests we've done, they've come back clear,

so that's great news, isn't it?

Yeah, except you haven't found out what's wrong with me.

Well, Terry, I don't think there IS anything wrong with you.

I do love being in hospital.

Of course, it's got everything you need.

'Well, it's like a cruise ship in that respect.

'Except I don't go anywhere'

and everyone's sick or dying.

'They're not sure what's wrong with me. Doctors are baffled.

'They say it might be something to do with hypochondria,

'you know, in my mind, which is worrying'

cos who's to say that's not being caused by a brain tumour?

'The doctors have said that if it turns out to be a new condition

'that no-one's ever had before,

'then there's a good chance that they'll name it after me.

'You know, like Crohn's or Tourette's.

'People in the future might say,'

"What's up with Barry?"

"Oh, he's got a touch of Terry."

Hi, it's David Hasselhoff. Whenever I'm in town, I listen to...

Brimlington Hospital Radio with DJ Ivan Brackenbury.

Hiya, love! High five?

Down below? No? Sudoku? Lovely.

You all right? It's Ivan Brackenbury from Hospital Radio.

Have you got a request?

Come on, I need some genuine requests to make up a show.

Things Can Only Get Better?

M People? Good luck with it.

Hiya, Head Injuries! It's me, Ivan Brackenbury,

the Cheerful Earful from Hospital Radio, and I'm bonkers!

-ROBOTIC VOICE RECORDING:

-He's bonkers!

-You're bonkers!

-He's bonkers!

OK, I've got lollies and colouring books for everybody.

Colouring books? We're not brain damaged.

Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be going over on the children's ward,

but they asked me to keep away.

OK, who wants a lolly?

There you go.

-I'm nil by mouth.

-Oh, don't be so grumpy!

I don't envy you, sharing a cell with this guy.

If you're having a good time, let your face know!

RECORDING: Ivan Brackenbury!

I'm bonkers! Good luck with it, anyway.

-ROBOTIC VOICE RECORDING:

-He's bonkers!

Yeah! Hi, how are you doodling?

Hello, Susan, nice to see you again.

'Management isn't brain surgery.'

It's a lot harder than that

cos instead of having to fix one little brain,

you have to fix a million things.

-We don't need a nurse.

-Get rid of them.

Oh, this is great stuff, guys.

This has really justified us

-cancelling that intensive care thingy.

-Absolutely.

'My interns are very turned on...'

They're very switched on to new methods.

I mean, I'm still very much the boss at the top with the interns

at the bottom, but a good manager always listens to her bottom.

Basically, everyone has a voice,

no matter where they come in my triangle.

-Oh!

-Med-e-Watch - movies, TV, radio.

A one-stop entertainment...stop.

-It's so cool!

-Wow! It's just like an iPad.

-Except it's bolted to a wall.

They have to be. They'd be walking out with them otherwise.

This is another great idea. Well done, Lucy.

The first batch are going into

Todbrooke, Swineshaw and Lady Bower wards.

Carsington Ward, as well.

Where are those wards?

-I'm having trouble visualising them.

-Let's bird's-eye it.

So, Lady Bower Ward is this one at the top.

It goes from that corner and that corner, as well.

Jonathan, get involved! You're Logistics.

Erm, right, imagine, then, this is the Med-e-Watch truck

and it'll dump off that Med-e-Watch unit thing - not to scale -

-and then it'll be carted through there into ward...

-Carsington Ward.

-Whatever.

-What are those?

Those are just bits of Quavers.

Get that mess off my model!

VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS

Right, get the Brimlington Echo in.

Give them the exclusive on this -

"affordable entertainment at the point of care

"for those who can afford it".

This is Simon Cowell. You're listening to...

Ivan Brackenbury.

Now, THEY have The X Factor.

We're dead PC at our hospital radio station and we're multi-faith.

We've got all the different faiths listening,

which does mean you've got to be really sensitive

cos some of the faiths get really easily offended,

especially the other ones.

Christ!

Anyway, we do Christmas and then, a few months earlier,

we'll do Ramadan!

-TO THE TUNE OF "MAH-NA MAH-NA":

-# Ramadan!

-Doo-doo-di-doo-doo

-# Ramadan!

-Doo-doo-doo-doo

-# Ramadan!

-Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo... #

-I do feel a bit better, yeah.

-That's great.

The blood tests will take a few days and then we'll see

if there's perhaps an underlying issue.

-Tell her about the voices, Gary.

-What?

-The voices, giving him messages.

-You've been hearing voices, Gary?

No, Ian has, but they're talking about me.

OK.

Well, I think that maybe tomorrow,

you need to start getting around without the wheelchair.

A bit of exercise will help you get your...

-Chakras aligned.

-..your energy back.

-Psychic energy.

But, for now, I think Gary needs to rest.

-What's this?

-A healing crystal.

That's been tainted with negative energy now. I'll have to cleanse it.

Look, once you've finished your duties here,

I think you need to leave Gary to rest, OK?

The voices have got a very bad feeling about her.

Get some rest, Gary.

I'll watch you sleep.

WHALESONG

'I first heard the voices'

when I was stressed out taking my nursing exams.

They came to me, giving me the answers.

Now, it turned out they weren't medically qualified,

so I failed, but, thankfully, that set me on this more spiritual path,

which requires no qualifications at all.

Do you think I'm doing a good job, Jesus?

He knows! Every time, that's funny, every time.

And then the barman said, "One nun dead and 80!"

One nun dead and 80.

Tough crowd.

Anyway, straight after this service,

I'll be visiting the bedside of a lady

who should be running the marathon tomorrow for charity,

but she broke both her legs in a car accident.

When I spoke to her earlier, she said,

"How can God let something like this happen to me?"

What should I say to her? What words of comfort should I give her?

Well, any ideas, let me know.

OK, hymn number 13, Abide With Me.

# Abide with me... #

I would like to get more people into the chapel

and if we have to update a bit, that's fine with me.

I've got nothing against gay marriage.

In fact, I've actually got some good material on it.

Cos the church does change.

I mean, people didn't want female vicars, but Dawn French has shown

that they can actually be quite funny, in a broad way.

..or if what I've got is like an intermittent fault.

Meaning?

Well, we had this video recorder once that wouldn't record properly,

but every time we took it into Rumbelow's, they'd work it fine.

Yeah... You know, these CAT scans are pretty good.

It's good news, Terry. You're going home!

No bedside manner. They just drop all that bad news on you at once.

There's certain things they don't teach at medical school

and I think I've got one of them things.

MUSIC: Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas

OK, don't forget the clocks went back at the weekend,

which is great news for you seniors -

an extra hour to live.

SHE MOUTHS

Oh, no, they went forward, didn't they?

Well, an hour less to suffer.

Here's one for you oldies.

# All the girls on the block knocking at my door... #

Oh, no, that's Little Mix. Anyway, we'll leave it. OK!

-OK, you want to hear this new jingle I've done?

-Yeah, go on, then.

-RECORDING:

-You're listening to Brimlington Hospital Radio

with Ivan and Shaz.

-Yeah, we don't need the names. It's too much.

-Right.

Do you want to hear mine? Then we can choose.

-RECORDING:

-You're listening to Ivan Brackenbury.

Ivan Brackenbury!

Making patients better, one song at a time.

Ivan Brac-Brac-Brac-Brac-Brac...

Ivan Brackenbury.

Brackenbury!

Yeah, it's better.

I've heard a lot of rude things said about hospital radio,

but, when you look at the list of people

who got their break in hospitals like Brimlington, it's amazing -

Chris Moyles, Scott Mills, Ken Bruce, Simon Mayo.

And me. This is where it all started for me, too,

28 years ago in this very studio.

Yeah.

Go wait for the journalist,

but don't bring her past any of the beds in the corridor.

-In fact, you go and move them.

-Where to?

Just keep them moving around or something until she's gone.

I'm not really paid to move beds.

You would not want me sustaining an injury in the workplace.

Well, just help the Med-e-Media-Watch engineer, then.

MUSIC: Black Magic by Little Mix

Oh, what's wrong with this poor lad?

-This is Hospital Radio.

-Hospital Radio...

We were having a debate earlier.

Does a mild winter mean the geriatric ward will be really busy

or really empty? Text us.

I've literally done my own head in thinking about it.

-How does this make money?

-I don't think it does.

But we've got the Med-e-Media-Watch thingies there. Do we need both?

No. I'll get a curtain in the meantime or something.

Well, we'll have to do something about him. He's making ME feel ill.

OK, we've got a text here from Dean. He says he's in bed with Mrs A.

-HE LAUGHS

-We're a bit overcrowded,

but two in a bed?!

What are you up to, Dean and the mysterious Mrs A? Cheeky!

Oh, it's MRSA. Get well soon, Dean.

RECORDING OF CHANTING PLAYS

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

I'm communing with the other side now.

OK?

There's always a lot of activity in a building where someone's died,

so, in a hospital like this, there's a lot of voices.

Uh-huh. Right. OK.

Uh-huh. Is there anyone there who hasn't just got a complaint

to make about the care they received in this hospital?

Gary, you've got a message coming through for you, someone very close.

Do the initials GF mean anything to you?

-No.

-Yes.

This could be a girlfriend, maybe a good friend.

Can you not take this from me, please?

Godfather? Grandfather?

Great-grandfather?

I wasn't close to any of them.

OK.

Do you know a Gerald Farthington?

No.

-Are you gluten-free?

-No.

Well, then, they're saying you need to be, OK,

and, with that, I'll leave their love there with you.

Sorry.

Did you see that or was that just me?

MUSIC: Macarena by Los Del Rio

Right, we've got a request here from Gavin.

He's having his ears pinned back. This is Simply Red.

# Holding back the years... #

Whoa, come on.

'It can be hard dealing with the local press,

'even with a happy story'

where no-one's died or been sent home with the wrong baby.

They will look for the negative spin.

Unfortunately, we live in a blame culture and, in my opinion,

that's the fault of the media.

That's great, look at that.

-It almost looks medical, doesn't it?

-Well, it kind of is.

-There's no buttons on it. Really?

-No, it's fully touch-screen.

So nice on its little robot arm! I might want one for my office.

-We can install them anywhere.

-Yeah, I know, I'm just doing small talk.

So, it's £10 for 24 hours' access,

so that's £70 a week?!

Yes, and all the revenue goes back into the hospital,

improving patients' lives.

Right, shall we do the photograph?

-This chap installing it, me overseeing it, smiling.

-OK.

Would you take the mask off so that we can see that you're smiling?

-Probably it is better without it.

-More human.

CAMERA CLICKS

Yes, I think this really works with him. Thank you.

-What's your name, sir?

-Darren Page.

-Susan.

HE SNEEZES Mask!

CAMERA CLICKS

Right, champagne back in the office? Not you.

What am I? I was created by Jim Henson in 1955.

Examples of me include Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear.

What am I?

-RECORDING:

-What am I?

Yes, I am a Muppet! No-one got it.

In fact, no answers at all, I totally stumped you.

You're listening to Ivan Brackenbury,

the Loon in the Afternoon, and this is drivetime, people,

but you're not having to deal with the horrible rush hour traffic

cos you're all ill in hospital!

RECORDING: Drivin' with Ivan!

CAR HORN HONKS

Oh, brilliant, Shaz, we've got a real request here.

MUSIC: Yellow by Coldplay

"Dear Ivan, I've just given birth to an 11lb 2oz baby." Aw!

"Please would you play me There's A Hole In My Bucket?"

It's another prank, Ivan.

How's that a prank?

Have you seen those new bedside media things they're installing?

-Yeah, films and that.

-I spoke to one of the engineers.

I didn't realise they had all the radio stations on them.

Well, that's good because we'll be side by side

with the big boys at last.

Are you not worried?

No.

Really?

Well, how are they going to know to tell the patients

when there's a fire alarm test

or the canteen's doing Curry Wednesdays?

Well, it's every Wednesday.

Do you know what, Shaz?

If we're going to be competing with the global media,

we're going to have to do a lot more Ivan's Wacky Wind-Ups.

My relationship with Shaz is totally plutonic.

My ideal woman would have to be the head of Rachel from Friends,

the torso of Holly Willoughby and the legs of Angelina Jolie.

All joined up, obviously, not just,

like, loose or in a bag or something.

In fact, I'd actually just be happy with Rachel from Friends'...head.

MUSIC: Ave Maria by Franz Schubert

I would!

Pulling out all the stops today, Mrs Leydon.

We'll be packed to the rafters soon, don't worry.

We're still one-nil down.

Ooh!

Give me a moment and I'll get my arse in gear.

I'll see you in the chapel.

-BEEPING

-Get in!

-Oh!

We've equalised.

Good numbers out there, Father.

-HE LAUGHS

-Only joking!

HE CHUCKLES

And you can choose which area you want to go to...

Oh, great, the day I move out!

'No, I don't think hospitals are depressing. I like institutions.

'I always have. I get institutionalised very quickly.

'When I go bowling, I never want to give the shoes back.'

-# God's recreation... #

-Yes!

# Of the new day... #

OK, who remembers Bread?

The sitcom Bread, not the food.

I'm going to do some impressions from the show.

Greetings!

I want me pudding!

Or I'll make some points about the family.

No-one? Bread!

A sermon to me is just stand-up with a message, you know,

like all stand-up has these days.

Like Peter Kay's messages, there's lots of things that people remember.

Michael McIntyre's message...

There's lots of things we do we never notice that we do

and people say that kind of comedy's easy, but it's not.

Have you seen how much they sweat?

'What's my biggest dream? People always say world peace, don't they?

'I'm not too bothered about that.'

Oh, I know - I'd love to do Songs Of Praise...

live at the Apollo.

MUSIC: A Whiter Shade Of Pale by Procol Harum

-Take me the long way round so I can say goodbye to the place.

-Right.

I was at the very last game

Steven Gerrard played for Liverpool at Anfield.

In many ways, Stevie G is a lot like Jesus.

Look at that great big space in there

and I'm using a cupboard to practise my practice!

You say you've tried everything,

but have you tried a crystal colon massage?

-No.

-Would you like me to give you one?

-Check this out!

-We've got one tree left, so where should we put this?

Thinking outside the box - why don't we put it there,

-inside the building?

-Indoor garden - very Zen.

-That's so cool.

Where do you keep going, Jonathan?

-Cigarette breaks.

-You don't smoke.

I know I don't, but that shouldn't preclude me

from three five-minute breaks a day,

otherwise it's discrimination against non-smokers.

Where were your ideas, Jonathan?

These two are constantly saying things that pop into their heads.

If you were as focused on this

as you are on your human rights, you'd be a much better team player.

You know the phrase "lions led by donkeys", right?

Here, it's more like donkeys being led by other donkeys

who just happen to have been to university.

-MODEL TREE DROPS

-Sorry, I've dropped it.

Oh, don't worry, that's just Hospital Radio.

We're probably changing that area into an amenity concourse.

We'll commission a new model down the line, maybe in glass.

What you should have done is had them make a tiny model

of this model and then put that model in your office in the model.

That's a very good idea, Jonathan. Write that down, Lucy.

So, Med-e-Watch, what's this all about, Ivan?

Well, modern touch-screen devices

giving access to a range of media at the point of care.

They do sound exciting, don't they?

My trainee producer Shaz is nodding her head.

Yeah, I actually saw one being installed in a ward earlier

and they look fantastic,

but do remember we are your one-stop shop

for any information about hospital and local events, -

plus, where else can you get a personal request

on air any time you want?

You're listening to Ivan Brackenbury.

It's not really the done thing for a member of the team

to speak on-air without asking. I mean, you're still learning.

-Just, you know...

-Your mic's still on.

-Oh, bum!

MUSIC: Someone Like You by Adele

Yeah, I know what you mean. Let's get you through here.

I'm just going to pop you here, sweetness, all right?

I'll pop the brake on. You take care, all right?

# Don't forget me, I beg

# I remember... #

-Someone phone me an ambulance.

-Are you OK?

No, I don't sleep much and I get cold hands and feet.

OK, let's get you inside and check you out.

I'm not worried, I'm not.

There's loads of radio stations and music on them Med-e-Watch things

so the new manager's obviously a big music radio fan.

I think this is going to be fantastic for hospital radio.

A bit of competition keeps you challenged mentally

and I want to be able to wake up in the morning

and say, "I am mentally challenged."

This is great news. Bring it on, I say.

HE EXHALES