Broken Biscuits Comedy Playhouse

This programme contains some strong language.

No, I'm sorry, Mabel, but it's not on.

We agreed two hours' leave and we can't extend it.

I've cleaned bedrooms one to seven for you this morning

and I'm the landlady.

You don't buy a dog and bark yourself, do you?

Roger's up there now, giving them the once over.

Oh, and that reminds me, you've not seen his pocket stopwatch, have you?

The gold one. We've been searching high and low.

No, I'm sure he hasn't stuck it up there, Mabel,

and there's no need to be so disgusting.

Look, like I said, we agreed two hours and that's it.

I know it's your mother, Mabel -

and family comes first with me as well, but we need you here.

Thank you. Thank you for being so understanding.

And Mabel -

I'm sorry for your loss.

OK, love.

OK, bye.

They weren't that close.

She did nothing but call her when she was alive.

It's a terrible thing though, isn't it, loss?

It can be so upsetting.

Oh, wish we could find that stopwatch.

What a week we've had.

Chaos.

All started on Tuesday morning.

It wasn't Tuesday, it was Monday.

It wasn't Monday, it was Tuesday. We went shopping on Monday.

-Did we?

-Yes, to Morrisons, remember?

We were rummaging through that reduced to clear section

and you had a row with them students

-over that packet of Kraft Cheese Slices.

-Oh, yeah.

So, Tuesday morning.

I'm on the phone to Elliott at work - that's our son.

We named him after ET.

We're really proud of him.

-He's very high up in electricity.

-Very high up.

I always ring him at work,

because when I ring him at home I get the answer machine, don't I?

-She's always out shopping.

-Samantha, she means.

That's Elliott's wife, and she's not always out shopping.

What? She's got John Lewis on her friends and family, that one.

She's never out of the place.

Anyway, I'd no sooner put the phone down

than we hears this funny noise every so often.

Turns out it was the smoke alarm on the upstairs landing.

Oh, Milton - don't spoil it before I've had chance to elaborate.

It turns out it was the smoke alarm on the upstairs landing.

So, I rings the fire brigade

and asks them to come and check it for us.

They do it for free if you're a challenged couple like me and Pearl.

Well, I thought they'd just send round a van,

but a couple of hours later, a big red fire engine turns up.

They come in and they fit a new one in no time.

Oh, they were lovely fellas, they were.

We had a nice chat and a cup of tea.

I asked them what a charred body looks like.

They left shortly after.

I was sad to see them go, really.

Well, they'd no sooner disappeared out of sight,

we'd sat down, popped Pointless on, and next thing...

Peep. Peep. Peep.

Peep. Peep. Peep.

Peep. Peep. Peep.

OK, are you ready for the next one?

Question 25.

At the Battle of Trafalgar,

as Nelson lay dying with Hardy watching over him,

what were his famous last words?

'That's another fine mess you've got me into.'

"Kiss me, Hardy", isn't it?

That's definitely right, Martin. Put it down.

-HE SIGHS INTERNALLY

-'Popular misconception.

'His last words were, "Thank God I have done my duty".

'Hardy wasn't even there, but these clowns won't know that.

-'Nor will the quiz master.'

-So, that's the end of the first half.

We'll take a five minute break there,

chance to a wet your whistle.

Right - same again, lads?

Easy, Tiger. You've been on it since you left work haven't you?

I'm going for it tonight.

'Going for it, my arse.

'The only thing he's going for

'is a bit of good old-fashioned Dutch courage.

'See the girl in red over there?

'Yeah, that's her. He's fancied her for ages.

'He never stops smiling over at her.

'Watch him.

'See what I mean?

'He looks like a right stalker, doesn't he?

'I don't know what'll happen first -

'either she'll get the message...

'..or she'll get the police.'

Oh, come on - this is a pub, not a bloody university!

We're handing out pints here, not degrees.

Shite! I'm pissing in the wind here, I am.

Pissing in the bloody wind!

MIC FEEDS BACK

Mabel, make sure you give the toilet in that room a good slug of bleach -

we had vegetarians in there last night.

We're a family-run business here at the Brenroger,

so we have to run a very tight ship.

My Roger, he's the captain of the ship. He guides us.

He says that I'm the sail. I give the ship stability.

And our customers...

They give us wind.

These mints are a nice touch, aren't they?

It's the little personal touches here that make all the difference.

Like putting a Rolo on the pillow every night,

checking the shower caps for mould,

and making sure all the hairs are picked off the soap

before the next guests arrive.

We pride ourselves on the little personal touches, me and my Roger.

-Brenda!

-Ooh!

Brenda!

Are you stupid, or what?

You've put TWO packets of shortbread fingers in Room Five.

How many times? One per room!

They'll not come down here and buy dinner

if they're up there pigging out on my free bloody shortbread fingers!

Oh, I am pissing in the wind here, I am.

Pissing in the bloody wind!

Have you any idea how many shortbread fingers

I'd like to give you right now, Roger?

Sorry.

Oh, we've got some marvellous comments

here in the visitors book, look.

Oh, look - a couple from London, Lucinda and Jeremy.

"We could not quite believe the standards at the Brenroger.

"We have never stayed in a hotel like this before

"and doubt we ever will again."

You see? It makes it all worthwhile.

Oh, it's like the bloody Bermuda Triangle round here!

-Roger!

-It was my silver pen last week,

my clock-radio the week before that, and now, my bloody stopwatch!

-It'll turn up.

-And what do we do till it does, Brenda?

Do you know how long Mabel's been cleaning Room Eight?

-No.

-Exactly!

I can't keep using your bloody egg timer.

She's been 18 minutes so far. 23, when that's finished.

You keep your eye on it!

Where was I? Oh, yes - the visitor's book.

Yes, like I said, we've got some marvellous comments.

Of course, you do get the odd nasty remark

when you're not stood behind them, watching on.

But it's just spite.

Spite's right.

They get personal, that's what they do -

and there's no need for it.

Like that big fat, sweaty, fella last week.

He had a sly scribble when nobody was looking, the bloody coward.

He's no scholar either, is he?

Look.

He's only put one "T" in "grotty".

And what's the need for three exclamation marks after "shithole"?

They're just petty, that's what they are.

That's correct, Bren. Well put, my love.

That's what they are, petty!

They want to get a life, these buggers!

Oh, bloody hell, Brenda! Look, my bloody sand's run out!

Mabel! Mabel! Are you done?

Well, it looks like no-one else is coming to the bar,

-so I may as well announce the winners.

-Ooh!

Honestly, I spill more down my shirt than you buggers drink.

It's no wonder your friendly, local pubs are shutting down -

because they're full of tight-arsed, miserable sods like you lot.

-Hey, Jack - it says "Fun Quiz" on your poster.

-Yeah?

It says "good-looking bachelor" on your Facebook page and all.

LAUGHTER

You can't always believe what you read, can you?

Right. This week's winners, once again, are the Four Detectives -

-Columbo, Kojak, Shaft and Ironside.

-APPLAUSE

Good job you're on their side, Tom.

If you had a puncture on the way here one night,

those three would be knackered. Ey, ey, where you going?

It's the end of the quiz, not the end of the world.

It's not the bloody Titanic!

-Oh, not you and all, Chloe? Come on.

-I'm just going to the ladies.

-I'll get a drink when I come back, don't worry.

-Good girl!

Just one squeeze on the soap dispenser though, love.

-I'm not made of money.

-Yeah.

Congratulations, team.

Well done, Columbo.

I don't believe it.

# Love is in the air Every time I look around! #

Of course, I've thought about leaving home, getting my own pad,

plenty of times.

But it's only me left at home now and I'm company for me mam, see?

-She'd be lost without me.

-CAR HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE

I don't think she'd know what to do with herself.

-Raz, I'm off out.

-What, again?

That's the third time this week, innit?

-What time will you be back?

-I don't know.

And don't be booking

any more of them mucky films again while I'm out.

What? I've told you before, Hot Fuzz is a real film.

Yeah, course it is, Raz(!)

Go for it.

What do I say to her?

'You're asking me how to ask a girl out?'

I know.

She likes quizzes, obviously.

Ask her, does she know what Brazil's biggest export is?

She'll say "coffee".

You say, "Your place or mine?"

TOM SIGHS INTERNALLY

It gets a little laugh, then you're in.

'Oh, no! Puh-lease. I can't look.

'What if she gets it right and says iron ore?'

I'm going for it.

'Oh, good luck with that, Romeo.'

'Pissed up, staggering over with a dodgy chat up line.

'What girl could resist that?'

-Hi.

-Hi.

You like quizzes, then?

Gets you out, doesn't it? THEY LAUGH

Here's one for you.

Who...is the biggest exporter...of coffee?

-Brazil.

-Yeah.

-That's right.

-I think what you're supposed to say is,

"What's Brazil's biggest export?"

and then I say "coffee" - and then you say...

-BOTH:

-Your place or mine?

Or at least it was when I last heard it at the sixth form disco.

Yeah. Kids!

Anyway, I was wondering...

if maybe you might like to...

go for a drink sometime?

It doesn't have to be coffee.

Yeah. That'd be nice.

What?

-You're not winding me...?

-Really.

# Lady in red

# Is dancing with me

'# Cheek to cheek! #'

Peep, peep, peep.

So, I gets back onto them, don't I?

I said, "I'm sorry to be a nuisance,

"but that one you put in is just the same.

"We've just sat down, popped Pointless on

"and off it went again, peep, peep, peep."

Just then, while Pearl's on the phone to the fire brigade,

her mobile phone goes off.

It's Elliot - or at least I thought it was Elliot.

She was hoping to drop him a hint about her birthday

this coming weekend...

without seeming self-centred.

So, I picks up my mobile, and I said,

"Hello, Elliott, can you just give me a minute?"

And a voice says, "It isn't Elliott, it's Samantha.

"I picked up his phone by accident this morning

"and saw he'd got four missed calls from you

"and wondered if it was urgent?"

I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Samantha. Can I call you back?

"Only, I've got the fire brigade on the other line?"

Well, she doesn't ask why the fire brigade's on.

She says, "Well, give me a couple of hours.

"Cos I'm just in John Lewis at the moment."

Well, I asked what she was buying and she got all flustered

and then the line went dead.

They must have put the sale signs up.

She has her lunch there, sometimes.

Oh, you couldn't call what she eats "lunch", Milton.

It wouldn't feed a bird.

The only time she has a decent meal in front of her

is when she's watching MasterChef.

And she's never hungry, just, "a bit peckish".

Anyway, I gets back on to the lady from the fire brigade.

I said, "It's not going off at the moment, love,

"but if we leave it a minute, I'm sure it'll happen again."

She said, "Don't worry Mrs Singer, I believe you.

"We'll get the lads back out to you just as soon as they have a chance.

"And could I ask you, if you ring again,

"you don't use the 999 number,

"because we like to keep that line free for emergencies?"

-Mortified, we were.

-Mortified.

Well, you get in a panic, don't you?

I said, "I'm ever so sorry love, I won't trouble you again."

Oh, I couldn't get that phone down fast enough.

Of course, you know what happened then, don't you?

-Peep. Peep. Peep.

-Peep. Peep. Peep.

-Peep. Peep. Peep.

-Peep. Peep. Peep.

So, I was leaning out the car window,

chatting away to this girl, giving it patter-patter.

She's laughing, giggling...

Anyway, she starts asking me a few things,

and I'm being a bit cocky with me answers, you know?

And I thought, I'll go in for it here!

So, I asked her for her phone number.

She went dead quiet.

I thought, that's took her breath away, innit? I'm in.

Next thing she says to me,

cold as anything...

"That's £2.50 at the first window, please."

When I drove round, she was a right minger.

Nothing like she sounded.

That just goes to shows you, doesn't it?

You can't predict anything, where women are concerned.

DOOR OPENS

Shh! Stop it, will you?

Behave yourself.

Is that you, Mam?

(Bloody hell, he's still up.)

Do you want a cup of tea, Mam?

No, you're all right. I'm going straight up.

Night, love.

Night, Mam.

I know she's with him.

Sid the Suitcase.

Tosser.

He goes in the pub, flogging designer watches.

They're fake.

They don't even work.

I had my suspicions when he only came in to sell them

at 12.10 in the afternoon and 12.10 at night.

My mam fell for it though, didn't she?

-Numpty.

-HE KISSES TEETH

Still...

They look shit hot though, don't they?

And even a broken watch is right twice a day, innit?

MOANING

Did you...

Did you get me anything this week, babe?

No, I've not had chance.

It's been a bad week, hasn't it?

Look, Sid - I don't want to do it any more.

It's not me. You said you were going to give that shit up.

Yeah, I know. I'm trying, babe, believe me.

It just...

It just takes time, don't it?

I just need like, another week.

Will you help me out?

Yeah, you will.

Peep. Peep. Peep.

Peep. Peep. Peep.

That's not the smoke alarm now.

That's the reverse warning the fire engine's making.

So, they come in.

It doesn't take them two seconds to change it and they come back down

and we have another brew while we all laugh about it.

They were telling us all about their families

and they were asking us about ours.

Pearl told them she was a bit upset,

cos Elliott's forgotten her birthday tomorrow.

It's not Elliot that's forgotten! It's Samantha, isn't it?

We've got a bond, Elliott and me. It's like every mother and son.

It's like... Well, it's like Andy Murray and his mother,

or Richard and Judy.

I think she's a bit jealous of our relationship, you see.

But I don't say anything, I keep it to myself.

You're best not to wash your dirty linen in public, aren't you?

That's what the firemen said when you told them, wasn't it Pearl?

Thank you, Milton!

Well, it's a woman's job to remember birthdays, isn't it?

You never remember birthdays, do you? It's always left to me.

I'd soon know about it if I forgot yours.

I just wanted to see him on my birthday, that's all.

I mean, I know they're three hours away,

but a mother misses her son, and he knows that.

He wanted us to get a laptop, didn't he?

So we could Skype each other -

but we can't afford one, not really.

Still, when we can afford one,

it'll be lovely to see a bit more of him.

You can't hug a computer though, can you?

Still, we were just showing them out and off it went again.

-Peep. Peep. Peep.

-You don't have to keep doing it, Milton!

Well, we just looked at each other. We couldn't believe it, could we?

"That can't be right", he says,

so they both shot upstairs to inspect it.

I shout up after them,

I said, "It's a good job you've heard it for yourselves,

"otherwise you might think we were a right couple of crackpots!"

A second later, one of them calls down,

"I think we've got to the bottom of it, come upstairs."

So, we goes upstairs

and they're standing there with the airing cupboard door open

and he says, "Here's something that might explain a thing or two",

and he points at our old smoke alarm, still peeping away.

Well, I'd kept it for the parts, hadn't I?

I never gave it a second thought.

Peep. Peep. Peep.

Do you want chilli sauce on this one then, mate?

A little bit.

Fucking hell, it's Stephen Hawkings!

'It's "Hawking", dickhead. There's no "S".

'Have some respect.'

Are you in the queue or what, Hawkings?

I wouldn't mind, but I bet he can't even see over the counter.

TOM SIGHS INTERNALLY

Carry these, let's get off.

It's fucking Lou and Andy!

-AS LITTLE BRITAIN LOU:

-"I want that one. I want that one."

-Whoa, whoa! Mate, calm down.

-What's going on?

-Do you want some?

-What's happened?

What's going on?

Come on, let's get you home.

You can stay at home next week, you.

You're a right trouble causer. I can't take you anywhere.

What about her, though, eh? The lady in red.

Chloe.

I'll be there tomorrow evening...

'..Stumbling over your words...'

..sweet talking her...

'..All over her like a rash...'

..playing it cool...

'She'll be bored shitless.'

She'll be hanging on my every word.

'Bollocks.'

Yep.

You know where I'm coming from, bro.

-'Oh, yeah(!)'

-I tell you, Tom.

I feel...brilliant. I do.

I feel absolutely brilliant!

HE THROWS UP

'Aw, shite.'

Do you want to finish this kebab?

'Piss off.'

-So, it's just the two nights, isn't it?

-Yes.

Well, if you could fill in the registration form?

Here's your key, it's room six.

And here's the batteries for your TV remote control.

Now, if you could hand those in with your key when you leave,

-we can let you have your deposit back.

-Oh, right.

Would you like a hand with your luggage up to your room?

Er, are you sure? They're quite heavy.

No problem at all.

Mabel! Mabel! Luggage!

Mabel!

Mabel!

Luggage! Room Six!

Sorry.

Sorry, surgery's closed.

Can you ask Dr Clayton, please? I... I need some more stuff.

Just tell him it's Sid.

-Thanks for seeing me.

-No problem. How can I help?

Erm...

I need some more Methadone, that's all.

Oh, great. Great. How's that going?

Yeah, well, you know... Good days, and bad days...

Erm... I need my prescription before the chemist closes,

-so if you could...

-Right, yeah. Sorry.

Yeah.

You're all right, sir. The chemist doesn't close till seven.

-You've got about half hour yet.

-No, I don't think so, Doc.

Cheers for that. See you later.

Hey! You sold me this bloody watch!

Shit.

Will you be joining us for dinner this evening?

Oh, I don't know really, er...

I could probably do with a little bit of something.

What do you think, my love?

I am a little peckish.

Erm... Do you have any of those shortbread biscuits in the room?

Er, yes, yes. I think there is some shortbread biscuits in your room.

-Oh, well, great.

-Great. That'll do us.

Come on, Mabel, chop chop.

Oh, have you been shopping? Anything nice?

It's a present for Elliott's mum.

It's her birthday tomorrow, so we've come up to surprise her.

Ooh, aren't you kind?

Oh, it was Samantha's idea, actually. I totally forgot.

Well, it is a woman's job to remember birthdays, isn't it?

What did you get her?

Oh, it's a laptop, so we can Skype each other to keep in touch.

Oh, how lovely.

Right. If you follow me, I'll show you to your room.

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

Oh, bloody hell! What now?!