Stop/Start Comedy Playhouse

Oh, I meant to tell you,

I invited the Crawfords to our anniversary drinks.

-But we hardly know them.

-Well, this is a chance to get to know them.

Look, the whole point of living in a city of hundreds of thousands

of people is that you never have to get to know anyone.

-Well, I think we should be open to meeting new people.

-Oh, people.

What's your obsession with people?

Look, fair enough, when you're younger, have lots of friends,

but not at our age.

I have a theory actually that each decade of your life

is like an island.

So the 20s island, it's full of drunken party people

and it's very near and very similar to the 30s island.

It's Ibiza and Majorca.

But then the 40s and 50s island, it's more sedate.

It's Isle of Wight, it's Guernsey.

And then the 60s and 70s, you're living on the Outer Hebrides.

It's sparsely populated and cold all the time.

And if you're really unlucky, you make it into your 80s and you're

living alone on St Kilda, eating gravel and talking to puffins.

OK. The Crawfords, but nobody else.

I don't even see why we have to have a party.

There comes a point in every marriage, even the happiest,

where you know exactly what your loved one is going to say.

Parties.

Standing around in an awkward huddle with a warm beer,

listening to some geezer bang on about Ukip.

Parties.

Standing around in an awkward huddle with a warm beer,

listening to some geezer bang on about Ukip.

Look, you know, we could always do something else. Just the two of us.

Oh. Did you see that?

She played the "just the two of us" card very early.

You'd think that the scariest words in the English language were

"It's terminal".

Not for the long married.

For the long married, it's "just the two of us".

-No, I think we're committed to the party.

-OK.

Why don't you just try and have a good time?

Is the glass half empty or is it half full?

-There's a glass?

-SHE CHUCKLES

That's very funny. You should use that in your speech.

What speech?

Well, you're going to say a few words at the party, aren't you?

Of course I am, darling.

Look at the cornice. The detail.

That is a cornice, all right.

I really don't want to tell you this,

but you're going to find out sooner or later.

That isn't my father.

I know what you're thinking and no, it's not about money.

And no, she's not Eastern European. You heard her speak.

No, it's about...love.

-Doesn't feel like five years.

-Mm.

Happiest day of my life.

-Ha!

-Ha...

Oh, and mine, yes.

Yeah, until today. Our new home.

-It's not too big for us, is it?

-Well, room for children.

Let's unpack first though.

I wasn't suggesting right this second.

We'll wait for the soft rug to go down.

-Oh, I wonder what the neighbours are like.

-Oh, I've met them.

On the left side, Dr Rhodes and his wife, very distinguished.

And on the other side, a lesbian couple. Been together 60 years.

Well, let's get this party started.

I did my research before buying.

Found myself a street full of shuffling ghouls.

I know it's all relative,

but I'm going to look like a member of a boy band.

You just relax. I'll get this.

-Where's the yoghurt?

-I didn't get yoghurt.

-Why didn't you get yoghurt?

-You didn't tell me to get yoghurt.

-It was the last thing I said to you.

-Can you get a large tub of Greek yoghurt?

-Well, I didn't hear you.

Maybe we'll have to struggle on without yoghurt,

take it one day at a time.

Grrr!

Oh, don't worry. We actually have a very strong marriage.

Have you seen the film Saving Private Ryan?

You know that bit at the end where the two soldiers are having

a desperate hand to hand fight to the death?

Well, if they'd occasionally broken off from that struggle

to have sex, well, that's pretty much our marriage.

What am are going to eat now then?

Oh, I don't know, darling, but maybe if you ate a little more than

yoghurt, you wouldn't be so hungry all the time?

Or so angry?

-So you'd rather I was fat?

-Now, I never said that.

-I would rather you were happy.

-If you want me to be happy,

maybe you could start by remembering to buy my yoghurt.

There are those moments in life

where everything just comes together.

You make a run towards the six yard box,

the ball arrives at your feet and it's a tap in.

Well, I'm about to get one of those

from Fiona.

Oh, that door shuts, by the way.

Yeah...

unlike your mouth.

RINGS DOORBELL

-Hiya, David Bannerman?

-Yes.

-Hi, Rob across the road. You were out.

-Oh, thank you.

-OK.

-Welcome to the neighbourhood.

-Rob?

It is, Rob! Hi!

Georgy?

-My God! I haven't seen you for...

-Forever, yes, it's been ages!

You know Georgina, my wife?

Wife?!

Did he say wife? I wasn't really listening.

I think it was wife. It can't have been wife.

-Oh, Georgy is...

-My wife, yes.

OK...

It was wife.

Wife... He said wife.

Could he have bought her, do you think?

She isn't Eastern European, but still.

-Yeah, Rob and I used to work together...

-That's nice, darling.

Thanks for bringing this round.

Oh, listen. We're having a party Friday night. Number 31.

-Why don't you come?

-That would be lovely.

-Friday's no good.

-We're free Friday, aren't we?

-Well, there's this local um...

Er... Climbing wall. I thought we might try it.

-We'd love to.

-OK. Well, I'll see you then.

Funny how you can be going through life quite happily and...

Well, not happily. I'm not a simpleton, but you know what I mean.

And then bang...

I'd completely forgotten about Georgy.

Well, not completely. She's popped into my mind once in a while.

OK, OK... I admit it. When Cathy and I are having sex.

Guilty as charged.

I've thought about having sex with someone other than my partner

whilst having sex with my partner.

But in my defence...

..so have you.

-What a coincidence, eh?

-Yes.

-GLASS BREAKS

Oh...

-Maybe you should do the cushions and I should do the glasses.

-Yeah.

Well, what do you think? Was there attraction there? No, no.

Don't be ridiculous. You saw him.

We're from completely different ends of the evolutionary scale.

Although...

Yeah, she's gone older before. She's got previous. This is the problem.

I don't just have to worry

about the younger, good-looking guys,

there's everybody, the whole world.

Even balding, bulbous Jocks.

Come on. She chose me.

Married me.

And he's right across the street if I ever want to shag him.

I know she didn't actually say that, but that's what I hear.

-So? What are they like?

-Oh... Well, um...

You know, he's oldish and seemed dull. Well, you'll find out.

I invited them to the party.

You invited the old dull man to our party?

Yeah.

And his wife.

Well, you don't have to be the senior script consultant

on Sherlock to work out what's happened here.

-Well, what's she like?

-Well, I couldn't really see actually.

She was kind of in the background.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Saved by the bell!

-There is a God!

-BUZZES

And he's currently working his fingers to the bone

in the service of Rob McCloud of 31 Bushwood Road.

-Hi again, Rob.

-Oh, hello.

Should we bring anything on Friday? I could make some canapes.

Oh, no. That's very kind, but not really necessary, I don't think.

Oh, hi! I'm Georgy. I've just moved in across the road.

Sorry, this is Cathy, my...

I'm going to have to say wife.

Oh...

Can I say secretary?

That's a tough sell.

Robot?

No, you're probably right.

Cathy, my wife.

-Oh, hi. Pleased to meet you.

-Rob and I used to work together.

Yes, we hardly knew each other.

So are you sure about the canapes, or I could do figs and pancetta?

Well, I mean, figs and pancetta...

No, cos we've already ordered the sausage rolls, so... Thanks.

That's right.

-Well, I'll see you at the party.

-Yeah, OK. Bye. Bye-bye.

Why didn't you mention that you knew her?

Well, it hardly seemed relevant.

I can't tell you every time I meet a woman I know.

Word to the wise.

It's the unmentioned women that you want to worry about.

The mentioned ones, the "Oh, you must meet Mary,

"she's such a laugh, you'll love her"...

Mary's the one that ends up looking like Ray Winstone in skirt.

But she's just moved in opposite.

Well, obviously I would have mentioned it eventually.

I mean, they're coming to the party.

What are you trying to imply?

Bringing out the big gun of moral outrage early.

I think it's playing quite well.

He probably thinks this moral outrage is playing quite well.

But the key now is to get out of here elegantly

without it appearing that I'm legging it.

Right.

I should get up to the butcher's and get those sausage rolls.

It's as if I have my own microclimate and it just

pours all day and there's tsunamis and plagues of frogs.

It's just a speech.

I'll have to say something nice.

"I love you" is probably expected.

I can't say that.

I'm Scottish.

"I love you" should be reserved

for when you're trying to get into someone's pants or...

dying.

Look, stop worrying. We'll adapt my wedding speech.

I'm pretty sure I said "I love you" in that.

Ah! Yes, good.

"There isn't a happier man in the world than me,

"now that Fiona is my wife."

Yeah, but what if you don't think that any longer?

Well, I didn't think it back then.

But it's expected of you. Something to get your gran crying.

-I'm not sure I can use much of this, mate.

-Oh, come on. It writes itself.

Um... "As happy today as I was then. I love you, Cathy."

Now, look me in the eye and do it only to me.

Wait a minute. That's The King's Speech, isn't it?

There's our answer. I'll develop a stutter.

-Hi, Rob. How are you?

-Oh, hey.

-Where did you put my yoghurt?

Argh!

-I'm sorry. I forgot again.

-That's why you went out, to get my yoghurt!

I'm sorry. I forgot. I've got a lot on my mind.

Oh, no. It's all about to kick off.

-Oh, yeah? Like what?

-Like work.

It's very pressured providing for you and maintaining our lifestyle.

Oh, right. Yeah. Big pressure.

"Oh, do you think this new house should have a roof on it?" "Oh, yes!

"A roof! Oh, that's a good idea!"

There is more to construction than that.

Oh, you're in big Lego, that's all.

I must look like a ventriloquist's dummy.

How about this then? You go to work full time and I'll work part time.

I have a part-time job and another full-time job running this house

-and waiting on you hand and foot.

-Oh, right.

You bung a macaroni cheese in the microwave, sit on your arse

with a bottle of Pinot Grigio,

watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians!

Just go back out and get me my yoghurt.

Later. We are going to watch the game.

Fiona!

-Mm?

-I told you to record the game.

-No, you didn't.

Yes, I did! Oh, do you listen to a single word I say?

Well, I heard you say "I do" but since then, no.

I haven't really been listening.

Oh, darling. Tell me the truth.

You don't ever worry about the age gap, do you?

-No, of course not. Young men are just boys.

-Mm.

OK, so they're fit and vigorous and full of drive and energy,

but I prefer...

..you.

I mean, at the moment, it's fine. I'm 63, you're 34.

But when I'm 73 and you're 44, does the gap seem bigger somehow?

I mean, when you're 54, I'll be...

83.

83? Did you hear that?

He's planning on living until 83!

And with medical advances, 93's not impossible.

Oh, dear God!

Can we please just skip to the part where he's dead and I'm still alive?

Sorry, I didn't mean that. That is awful of me. Not dead.

An accident maybe.

Just something to stop him from getting up the stairs.

-Where are you going?

-Running.

-Oh, right.

She's going running.

She's taking her bottom out of the house.

It's cold out, isn't it?

Wrap up. Wear a duvet. Or exercise here, it's a big house.

-Run to the kitchen and back.

-No, I fancy some fresh air.

I tell you what, I'm coming with you.

-You don't have to wait for me, darling. Go at your own speed.

-OK.

-What do you think?

-Hm, how stiff's the competition?

-Pretty stiff.

-What does she look like?

-Well, like something that would come up

if you googled "massive threat in skimpy pants."

What are you worried about, then?

-She's not going to be interested in Rob.

-Why not?

Rob's not that bad looking.

Cathy, a five-year-old could draw a better looking man than Rob.

-Oh, are you sure?

-Totally. Look.

Rob's the one who should be worried.

You are a gorgeous-looking woman, and he is very lucky to have you.

You're going to smash the competition. Now, say it.

-I am going to smash the competition.

-Smash her right out the park.

-Right out the park.

-Bash her!

-Bash her!

-Yes, that's it!

Yeah, I'm going

to mash a plate of sausage rolls right into her figgy, little face.

Oh, no, pull back from that.

OK, the party's in a day, so I've got 24 hours to lose two stone.

And grow hair. I'm going to exercise so hard that my hair grows back.

BOTH: Oh! Ah!

-Hey, Rob, hi.

-Oh.

-So, you run.

Sure.

Don't get a body like this by accident.

-Oh, hi, I'm Georgy, I'm Rob's new neighbour.

-Evan.

-Um, well, I'll see you Friday.

-Yeah.

-That's your new neighbour?

-Yeah.

Man. Ho-ho, this is going to be difficult.

I've got no interest in her.

I'm a married man. I took vows.

Marriage vows?

That's a sophisticated version of "I'll be home at seven."

I could never have an affair, though. I couldn't face the kids.

The kids have left home. They couldn't care less.

They probably don't even know where you live.

HE PANTS

H...

HE WHEEZES

-Who's that?

-The husband.

And I was worried we were too old for her. Look.

She's only gone and married Gandalf.

What do you think about the hat?

Is it too much?

No, I think I can get away with it.

DANCE MUSIC

Two billion men in the world and this is the one I choose.

Let me just say something to the single women.

There are three stages of marriage -

I married him!

I married him?

I married HIM?!

-Rob.

-Oh.

MUSIC STOPS

-What do you think?

-Great, yeah. You look great.

Oh, I'm not sure that she does, actually. I thi...

I think it's her legs.

Look at her legs. They're not even like legs.

They're like little thumbs.

She's got little thumb legs.

-It's not too short?

-The dress?

No, it is thumb-thing else.

Did he say "thumb-thing else"?

Did I say "THUMB-thing else"?

God, I did, didn't I? It's because of her thumb legs.

For the rest of my marriage, every time I see her,

I'm going to be thinking of thumbs.

I'll be on my deathbed, full of meds, crying out for Thumbelina.

You look g-g-g-g-

gorgeous.

Don't think you're going to get out of making

a speech by developing a stutter.

I wasn't trying to... Oh, it's cleared up.

-How do I look?

-Fantastic.

What colour's my dress?

Is it the kind of mauve one?

I'm wearing jeans. Come on, let's go.

-Oh, before we go, shall we have some yoghurt?

-Oh.

Ah. Oh, no. There isn't any.

-You want me to wear this?

-I think you look great.

No! I'm getting changed.

Sorry. Hey, Evan.

-I thought I'd do this.

-Rather than what we rehearsed?

Yeah, keep it light. No-one wants this lovey-dovey stuff.

-Sorry, excuse me, everyone. If I could just...

-Sorry, Rob.

Before the main event, can I say something?

Thank you to our hosts and to everyone for making us so welcome.

I know I'm going to be very happy here, although how could I not be

with such a wonderful, beautiful wife by my side?

ALL: Aw!

Look up perfection in the dictionary and it simply says, "See Georgina."

-Look up blissfully happy and it says, "See David."

-Oh!

Rob.

I'm slightly concerned now that... tonally,

I may be wide of the mark here.

There was a young girl called Cathy...

No, I'm kidding, of course.

I'm not going to do a limerick. No, no.

What I really wanted to say was, well, firstly, thank you,

all, for coming here tonight to help us celebrate our anniversary.

THEY CHEER

I think that all any of us hope for in life is, well,

to meet our soul mate. You know, to feel joined,

to have that connection.

For two halves to become a whole is a...

Well, it is a wonderful, rare and precious thing.

I just want to finish by saying I really,

really love you, Georgy.

And Fiona!

And Evan!

I love all my friends but, you know...

But, but, most of all, more than anything,

above all else, I love my wife, Cathy!

MUTED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, I want you to be brutally honest.

Do you think I got away with that?

Fine. Fine, yeah, no-one noticed.

Phew!

Under the circumstances, I think that was the kindest thing to say.

Don't you?

I have precision bombed the area of my brain

containing the memory of tonight with wine.

And whisky.

Tequila.

And something blue I found under the sink.

Why do you think she's with him, Cathy?

It's got to be about money.

She's obviously quite shallow, yeah. She's a shallow gold-digger.

Went slightly further than I meant to.

Intended to mildly diss,

ended up calling her a money-grubbing whore.

Or she's just too young to know better.

Oh, she's not that young!

Well, she's younger than you.

Us.

Sh... Younger than us.

Well, she's certainly very pretty though, isn't she?

GARBLED RESPONSE

He often does this

to dodge the bullet.

Technically he has answered me, but I've no idea what he said.

The Prime Minister should use this technique at the dispatch box.

Are you going to privatise the NHS?

GARBLED RESPONSE

I can recommend this avoidance technique.

There was an occasion after an incident at the office

Christmas party where I kept brushing for 25 minutes!

They were bleeding. Not my gums, my actual teeth.

DOORBELL RINGS

So what happened?

Well, I got a tub of yogurt and I put it on her side of the bed

with a note saying, "Happy now?"

But she didn't see it, so she sits on it and yogurt goes everywhere.

Oh, it goes all over the bed, it's all over her and she starts,

"Oh, you're such a child. Why don't you grow up?"

-It'll be fine, it'll all blow over by the morning.

-Yeah.

Hey, what about you, though?

Yeah, fine.

I'm sure the next 30 years of my life are going to fly by.

MOBILE BEEPS

Oh, that'll be Fiona.

I can't face it, tell me what it says?

Well...

It's a selfie.

I'm seeing slightly more of your wife than I ever expected to.

Fortunately she is covered in quite a lot of yogurt.

Any message?

-"Fancy some yogurt?"

-Oh.

It's an interesting development.

I best be going.

See you later, pal.

-Yeah, see you tomorrow.

-See you, bye.

Right...

Bed?

Drink?

Yeah.

I thought so.

-Poor old, Rob.

-Hm.

-It's an innocent mistake.

-Mm.

What do you make of him?

Do you think he's...

..attractive?

Rob?!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

I have to do this for every man he mentions.

-Rob?

-Yeah.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Well, this is reassuring.

Although, is she overdoing it, do you think?

Is she playing me?

Oh, God, I nearly slapped my thigh there.

Oh, you are silly sometimes, David.

I'm going to bed.

I'm right behind you.

-SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING

-Rob...

She chose me, she married me.

Still...

..just to be on the safe side, I think a move to the country.

I hear St Kilda's nice.

-WHISPERING:

-Is she asleep yet?

I can't tell and I don't want to look.

I am awake.

But if you don't tell him, I won't.

Oh, I know you're awake!

Look, I'm sorry.

I-I was nervous and...

You shouldn't have suggested I make a speech in the first place.

Oh, so it's my fault!

It's not entirely, no, but you're an accessory.

Look...

No more parties, huh?

Why can't we do something...

just the two of us... for a change?

Why don't we go back to Rome?

We could stay in the same hotel and...

go to... What was the name of that restaurant we loved?

-The Sorrento.

-The Sorrento, yeah.

Where you threw melon at that opera singer.

-Grapes.

-Grapes, yeah.

HE SIGHS

Let's do it, huh?

-Yeah, definitely.

-OK.

I'll book flights tomorrow.

OK. Goodnight, Rob.

Goodnight, Georgy.

Oh, f...!