Tim Vine Travels in Time Comedy Playhouse
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
# It's over in a minute when you're travelling through time | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
# It's over in a minute, hey, my name is Tim Vine | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
# It's over in a minute | 0:00:07 | 0:00:08 | |
# But there is a small chance that it might feel a bit longer. # | 0:00:08 | 0:00:13 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
WHISTLING | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
Hello, everyone! Welcome to my show all about time travel. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:32 | |
Goodnight. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
Yes, this is Tim's Antiques, full of bits of yesteryear. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
Ooh, look, a small blue garden bird, made of mahogany. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
Be great if I had a related joke - wooden tit? | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
See, this... This is one of the saddest paintings | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
I've ever seen in my life. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:51 | |
It may not look sad to you, but this was the scene half a second earlier. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:55 | |
And over here on the wall, look, | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
an unusual timepiece | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
shaped like a footballer - it's Theo Wallclock. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
This shop has been open for ages | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
and we still haven't had the grand opening. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
I'm holding out till I can find a big celebrity to cut the ribbon. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
DOOR CHIMES | 0:01:15 | 0:01:16 | |
Ooh, a customer! | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
It's the charming Ore Oduba! | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
MUSIC: Theme from Strictly Come Dancing | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
Hip-hip... | 0:01:27 | 0:01:28 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Hooray! | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
No, O-re! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
Hello, Ore, what a stylish entrance. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
Ah, thank you, Tim. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:36 | |
Well, yeah, dancing has opened a lot of doors for me. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
A joke about a door. There was a lot hinging on that. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
Hey, and we're both dancers, aren't we? | 0:01:44 | 0:01:45 | |
ORE CHUCKLES | 0:01:45 | 0:01:46 | |
Are you a dancer? | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
Am I a dancer? Does this answer your question? | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Yeah, it does. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
Let's talk about your sports presenting. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
Getting to do the Olympics must have been amazing. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
Ah, what an experience. As soon as I heard my phone go off | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
I KNEW it was the Olympics. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
Five rings? | 0:02:10 | 0:02:11 | |
Yeah. That's funny. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:14 | |
Cheers. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:15 | |
I love this painting. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:18 | |
Ah, now, this is one of the saddest paintings I've ever seen in my life. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
It may not look sad to you... | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
..but this was the scene half a second earlier. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
But enough of this daring, knock-about frivolity, | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
what brings you hence? | 0:02:34 | 0:02:35 | |
Beautifully written. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Well, Tim, I'm looking for someone to repair this antique. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:41 | |
Ah, two golden arrows. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
One is missing a feather, the other is missing a point. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
No, it's one golden arrow, broken into two. YOU'RE missing the point. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
Oh. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:52 | |
Everyone's an expert. So, er, I will fix this for you, | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
IF you cut the ribbon at the grand opening of Tim's Antiques. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
It's a deal! I'll come back tomorrow. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
It's a half-hour show. Come back in 20 minutes. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
Thank you, Ore Oduba! | 0:03:05 | 0:03:06 | |
Brilliant. I've finally booked a celebrity for the grand opening. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
Now, let me show you something extra special. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
Have a look at this. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
This is my grandfather's magic time-travelling clock. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
To fix Ore's arrow, we must go back to medieval times. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:25 | |
Yes, I will set the clock hands to the time 12:05, | 0:03:25 | 0:03:30 | |
which conveniently represents the year 1205. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
1066 is a difficult one. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
1205 - the age of the wandering Malteser. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:42 | |
Well, the travelling minstrel, but it's close enough. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
CLOCK WHIRS AND CHIMES | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
The bongs! The bongs! | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
Follow me to a world of castles, bowmen, knights and maidens. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
I hope I see my friend Lance. I don't see Lance a lot. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
1205, here I co-o-o-ome! | 0:03:55 | 0:04:00 | |
TARDIS-LIKE ECHOING | 0:04:00 | 0:04:04 | |
Oh, my goodness! Where am I? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
BIRDSONG | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
That was a nice bit of acting to get us started, wasn't it? | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
Ah. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:16 | |
So this is 1205. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
Ah! | 0:04:19 | 0:04:20 | |
Oh, look at that, a flock of robins. That's rare. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:25 | |
Well, CGI's so last year - and it's expensive. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
We can only afford it once a week. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
CGI Fridays. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:31 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
Ah, look at this beautiful waterfall. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
Ah! | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
It's been a long journey, I think I'll wash my face. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
Ah! Ah! That's so refreshing. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:47 | |
The water is so clean and pure with a small risk of suffocation. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:51 | |
Mm, look at that. I'm dribbling. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
FANFARE | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
Someone's blowing their own trumpet! | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
I am brave! | 0:05:09 | 0:05:10 | |
I am strong. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:13 | |
And I'm a little bit emotional. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
It's Robin Hood, looking remarkably like the multi-talented Ore Oduba. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:21 | |
And who knew he could act? | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Does anyone know if he can act? | 0:05:23 | 0:05:24 | |
At last, I am alone with my tormented thoughts. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
Bafta, Bafta! | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
She doesn't love me any more! | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
I will drown myself... | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
in this waterfall. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
Good luck with that. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:39 | |
Stop! | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
What? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
Who are you? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:45 | |
I'm Tim Vine. You may have seen me on the radio. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
Comedian, singer, actor. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:51 | |
-You're an actor? -Well, comedian, singer. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
-You're a singer? -Well, comedian. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
I'm not crossing any more of the list. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
Look, I'm honoured to meet you, Tim, but I can't talk now. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:03 | |
I want to leave this world! | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
Tell me what's troubling you. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
Well, it's like this. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:08 | |
At last - a bit of plot! | 0:06:08 | 0:06:09 | |
Did somebody say Foxtrot? | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
LIVELY BIG-BAND MUSIC | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
No! | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
You can't hide your troubles with dance! | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
You are right. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:21 | |
I am forlorn. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
Forlorn! | 0:06:23 | 0:06:24 | |
I am for decking, for decking! | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
No mowing, you see. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:30 | |
I love Maid Marian, but she no longer returneth my affection. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:37 | |
HE GASPS AND WAILS | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
It's all right. You've got the part. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Oh-ho-ho! | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
Listen, Robin, I will help you with Maid Marian. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
Your hand hath touched the window of my heart. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
I felt your pane! | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
I'm revived! | 0:07:00 | 0:07:01 | |
I am brave, I am strong. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:05 | |
Farewell! | 0:07:05 | 0:07:06 | |
Farewell! | 0:07:06 | 0:07:07 | |
Oh! | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
He did fare well, didn't he? | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
Ah, hope I'm doing the right thing. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
It was either this or The Jump. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
I have to get Maid Marian to love Robin Hood again, | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
but how can I do that?! | 0:07:20 | 0:07:21 | |
APPROACHING CHATTER | 0:07:21 | 0:07:22 | |
What's that commotion? It's not very loud, it's more of a... | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
low commotion. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:26 | |
It's men and they're merry. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
Men who are merry? They must be known as | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
the happy chaps! | 0:07:33 | 0:07:34 | |
THEY GRUNT AND GROAN | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
I've got two turnips that say Little John will win. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
Have you got talking turnips? | 0:07:45 | 0:07:46 | |
This fight's going to go on forever, mate. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
-Why? -Because the sticks are joined in the middle. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
See that? It's a staff meeting. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
What have we got here? | 0:07:58 | 0:07:59 | |
It's my shirt. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
And that was off the cuff. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:02 | |
HE LAUGHS HEARTILY | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
Sounds like this chap's a Tim Vine fan! | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
Don't be frightened of that noise, viewers. It's called laughter. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
Tuck! Be quiet. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Who sent you? | 0:08:12 | 0:08:13 | |
Nobody. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah! | 0:08:15 | 0:08:16 | |
That wasn't a joke, follow him. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
Well, who are you? | 0:08:19 | 0:08:20 | |
I'm Tim Vine - comedian, singer, actor. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
-You're an actor? -I'm not going through all that again. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
We...are the Merry Men. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
Yeah, well, let your face know. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
Cheer up, Little John. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
I don't trust him, Tuck. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:35 | |
Tries to make a joke out of everything. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
Not everything. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
Well, come, stranger. Sit by the fire. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
Make yourself comfortable on one of these saddles. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
Ah, thank you for your horse-pitality. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:08:50 | 0:08:51 | |
No, you can't beat a real fire, can you? | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
Gentlemen, let's introduce ourselves. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
This is Friar Tuck, I'm Little John. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
Oh, yeah, the old ironic "Little John" thing, | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
cos you're actually quite big. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
How do you mean? | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
Nothing. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:08 | |
And what about you? You look as though | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
you've been run over by a horse. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:11 | |
I have. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
You know that song, | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
"Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen"? | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
Yes? | 0:09:17 | 0:09:18 | |
I'm Glen. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
Let me make a toast. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
To Robin, our brave leader. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
ALL: To Robin! | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
"FIRE" HISSES | 0:09:33 | 0:09:34 | |
"FIRE" HISSES MORE FIERCELY | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
Listen, chaps, on the subject of Robin, I just saw him | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
and he was disturbed and uppity. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:46 | |
-Uppity? -Yes, please. Milk, one sugar. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
Keep up! The thing is, I promised I'd help him with Maid Marian, | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
but I don't know what to do. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:54 | |
One of us needs to be matchmaker. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
Don't be cupid! | 0:09:56 | 0:09:57 | |
Yes. | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
And it needs to be somebody from out of town. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
It's me, isn't it? | 0:10:04 | 0:10:05 | |
No, not you, Glen! | 0:10:06 | 0:10:07 | |
Jim Cline. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
It's Tim Vine! | 0:10:10 | 0:10:11 | |
All right, I'll do it. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:13 | |
As long as I can get this golden arrow fixed, as well, | 0:10:13 | 0:10:15 | |
so that Ore Oduba cuts the ribbon | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
at the grand opening of Tim's Antiques - plot recap. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
Splendid. Maid Marian's coming to the local fair tomorrow. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
You can put in a good word for Robin then | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
and you can meet the village people. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:27 | |
That one's too easy. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:31 | |
MEDIEVAL MUSIC | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
You see, the thing is, Maid Marian, he really, REALLY likes you. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
Well, I think I met him somewhere, but it's probably at something. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:51 | |
Sometime, maybe. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
Right, can you be a bit more specific? | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
Possibly. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:56 | |
No, Tim... | 0:10:56 | 0:10:57 | |
..that's VAGUE Marian. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
Ah, sorry. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
Come on, we don't want to miss the main event. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
Oh, this is one of my favourite games! Reverse hoopla! | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
Make way for Maid Marian! | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
HARP GLISSANDO | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
HARP GLISSANDO | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
You seem very accomplished at reverse hoopla. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
You should see my back-to-front table tennis, | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
or pong-ping, as I call it. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:29 | |
Who are you, skilful stranger? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
I'm Tim Vine - comedian, singer, actor. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
-Comedian? -You're supposed to start at the other end. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
It's the Sheriff of Nottingham! | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
THUNDERCLAP | 0:11:40 | 0:11:41 | |
SCREAMING | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
A crack of thunder - the loudest sound known to man! | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
TAXES! TAXES! | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Make that the second loudest. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:50 | |
Give me all your taxes! | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
You do know we've got microphones, don't you? | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
And if you hold back any money, | 0:11:54 | 0:11:58 | |
I will have you all killed! | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
Slowly, one by one! | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
And I will dance on your graves! | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
This guy's the baddie. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
HE SOBS | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
Why are you so upset, random villager? | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
-ALL: -I can't cope any more. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:14 | |
My wife will go mad if I go home with no money. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:18 | |
Just to explain, this chap is called Al, | 0:12:18 | 0:12:19 | |
but it was typed in the script with two Ls. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
So it says "All". | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
That should have been his line! | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
We paid our taxes yesterday! | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
That was just a rehearsal! | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
There was a rehearsal?! | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
My henchman will collect your money. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
I haven't got any money! | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
And I've been run over by a horse! | 0:12:37 | 0:12:38 | |
He's so downtrodden. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:39 | |
And my cow has recently developed an udder infection. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
All right, don't milk it, Glen. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
Intervene, Vine! | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Excuse me, aren't you being a bit unfair to these pheasants? | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
Don't you mean peasants? | 0:12:54 | 0:12:55 | |
No, you're standing on two pheasants. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
I don't know who you are! | 0:12:59 | 0:13:00 | |
Not another one! | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
I will play you like a medieval stringed instrument! | 0:13:03 | 0:13:07 | |
Are you calling me a lyre? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:13:09 | 0:13:10 | |
These people want to live their lives in peace! | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
Isn't that right, everyone? | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
Yes, it is! Hooray, et cetera! | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
No, two Ls - that was "All", not "Al"! | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
Their money is mine! | 0:13:22 | 0:13:23 | |
He's robbing us! | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
You killed my entire family! | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
You're an anvil mechanic! | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
He means "evil maniac". Have a word with the typist! | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
I'll have this, as well. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:33 | |
You can't take that! That's Ore Oduba's golden arrow! | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
We're leaving! | 0:13:36 | 0:13:37 | |
And if I see you again in this town... | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
..I will kill you! | 0:13:40 | 0:13:41 | |
-Are you threatening me?! -Yeah. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
Just checking. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:45 | |
Taxes! | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
Taxes! | 0:13:50 | 0:13:51 | |
Well, I'm glad he... | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
Taxes! | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
I'm glad he's gone. He's stolen Ore Oduba's golden arrow | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
and I'm not sticking around to get killed by that maniac, so I'm off! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
Are you leaving, Master Vine? | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
Master Vine? | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
MASTERMIND THEME TUNE | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
Please don't leave, Sir Tim. Meet me tomorrow at the Castle Tavern. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
We can spend some time alone together. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
Well, make up your mind - alone or together? | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
Together. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
We could...share an exotic dried fruit. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
You make it sound like a date! | 0:14:22 | 0:14:23 | |
SHE CACKLES MANIACALLY | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
I'll see YOU tomorrow. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:29 | |
Viewers, I may be on a mission for Robin Hood, | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
but my charm and good looks are hindering the plan! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
See Al's playing the loot? | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
Yes, I decided to meet Maid Marian. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
What a lovely place. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:53 | |
Oh, another fake fire. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
Argh! | 0:14:56 | 0:14:57 | |
Let's see what beers they do. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:01 | |
Ah - Window Rattler, Gentle Breezes, Curtain Wafter... | 0:15:02 | 0:15:07 | |
They're all draughts. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:08 | |
Barmaid! | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
Oh, hello, Vague Marian. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
Would you recommend any of these beers? | 0:15:14 | 0:15:15 | |
Well, I recommend any of them. Yeah. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
Thanks. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
Page Boy, wait for me outside. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:27 | |
How's that for a page-turner? | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
I'm sorry I'm late. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
My father's pigs are poorly, they've lost their voices. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
They sound disgruntled. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
So, Sir Tim... | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
You must be the most handsome man in all the kingdom. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
Honestly, who wrote this? | 0:15:53 | 0:15:54 | |
Make me your wife, Sir Tim. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
I'd love to, but I'm... | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
..not the Marian kind. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
Somehow I must steer her off me and back to Robin. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
So how are things going with you and Robin Hood? | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
Oh, he doesn't interest me! | 0:16:09 | 0:16:10 | |
He's completely lost his archery skills. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
I bet you're good with a bow and arrow. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
Well, they don't call me Bow Vine for nothing. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
-LAUGHING: -What? | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
I've got four stomachs. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:20 | |
Hang on a minute, | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
are you saying that archery skills are very important to you? | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
Hand-eye coordination is the only thing | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
that can attract me to a man. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:27 | |
Is it? I think we're onto something. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
Marian, will you come to the archery contest tomorrow? | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
You try and stop me! | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
Well, that would defeat the purpose of asking you. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
THUNDER CRASHES | 0:16:39 | 0:16:40 | |
What in all blazes is going on here?! | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
We were playing musical chairs. It was a draw. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
Hello, Uncle. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:48 | |
Uncle? That is "uncalled" for! | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
Anger! Vengeance! | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
Gluttony! Lust! There's three more! | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
Silence! | 0:16:56 | 0:16:57 | |
I don't think that's one. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
A lot of things have happened since you came to town, stranger. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
Stranger things have happened. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
It's time I taught you a lesson. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
Ah, lesson to him! | 0:17:06 | 0:17:07 | |
There's only one way out of this. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
-A fight! -A fight! | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
No, a door! Goodbye! | 0:17:12 | 0:17:13 | |
Come back! | 0:17:21 | 0:17:22 | |
I haven't gone yet! | 0:17:22 | 0:17:23 | |
Oh... | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
PLOP! | 0:17:29 | 0:17:30 | |
As I throw pebbles in a stream, it's my heart that she's carrying. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
I close my eyes, behold her face, her name is... | 0:17:34 | 0:17:39 | |
Gordon Bennett! | 0:17:39 | 0:17:40 | |
You're hard to find, Robin. I've spoken to Maid Marian. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
The man she loves must be brilliant at archery. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:48 | |
Oh...! | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
PLOP! | 0:17:50 | 0:17:51 | |
Then there's no hope! | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
I have archery problems. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
-Where do you keep your arrows? -In a quiver! | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
Where'd you keep your arrows? | 0:17:57 | 0:17:58 | |
You don't understand! | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
I've developed a bow allergy. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
PLOP! | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
Every time I use my bow and arrow, I sneeze. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:15 | |
HE SNIFFS | 0:18:15 | 0:18:16 | |
SILENCE | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
Who's in charge of plops? | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
Listen, Robin. I have a plan that will get you winning again. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
Did somebody say Singing In The Rain? | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
No! Concentrate! | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
I've told Maid Marian to be at the archery contest tomorrow. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
Make sure you're there, too. Leave the rest to me. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
The plot thins. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
SPLASHING | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
It's too late now, isn't it? | 0:18:44 | 0:18:45 | |
Welcome, villagers, one and all to the glorious archery contest. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:59 | |
That's it, whip 'em up! | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
Don't worry, Robin, no-one has entered the contest | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
except you - you can't lose. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:06 | |
I am here! | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
I entered your name as well, Sir Tim. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
Whosoever shall win the tournament shall also win my heart. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:20 | |
What?! Don't worry, Robin, I have no intention of winning. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:25 | |
You'll have three arrows each | 0:19:25 | 0:19:26 | |
and the winner will receive this golden arrow! | 0:19:26 | 0:19:30 | |
A golden arrow, identical to Ore Oduba's | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
except that one is in pristine condition. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
Maybe I SHOULD win the contest. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
But what about me and Marian? | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
Well, I... Yeah, but I... | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
Oh, I can't do it to him. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
It's OK, I'll miss deliberately. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:45 | |
Please, take your positions, | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
as I hand you over to Master Tony of the Green! | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
Thank you, Little John. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
Let's...shoot...arrows! | 0:19:53 | 0:19:57 | |
THEY PLAY BULL'S-EYE THEME | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
Come on, Robin! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:07 | |
ALL: Come on, Robin! | 0:20:07 | 0:20:08 | |
Come on...one of you! | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
First arrow - Tim of Vine! | 0:20:11 | 0:20:16 | |
I must aim away from the target. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:18 | |
WHINNEYING | 0:20:21 | 0:20:22 | |
Attend to that horse! | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
Robin Hood. First arrow! | 0:20:25 | 0:20:29 | |
Don't sneeze! | 0:20:30 | 0:20:31 | |
Ah-choo! | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
SCREAMING | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
Attend to the man who was attending to the horse! | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
Tim Vine, second arrow! | 0:20:38 | 0:20:42 | |
-CROWD GASPS WOMAN: -Ow! | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
Attend to the woman who was attending to the man | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
who was attending to the horse! | 0:20:49 | 0:20:50 | |
Robin Hood...second arrow! | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
Ah-choo! | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
Attend to... | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
..my foot! | 0:21:00 | 0:21:01 | |
I need medical attention. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
Hello, are you the surgeon? | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
No, I'm a chef. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:12 | |
Ah, the Chef of Nottingham. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
Why are you peppering those arrows? | 0:21:16 | 0:21:17 | |
Hang on a minute, are you sure you're the Chef of Nottingham? | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
No. I'm the...Sheriff of Nottingham! | 0:21:20 | 0:21:24 | |
So you are, and even I have to admit that was an ingenious disguise. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
Those are Robin's arrows you're peppering, | 0:21:27 | 0:21:29 | |
-which explains why he's been sneezing - plot resolution! -Yes. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:32 | |
So long as Robin continues to be incompetent at archery, | 0:21:32 | 0:21:34 | |
Marian will stay uninterested in him | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
and I will remain in charge of this town! | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
Not if I have anything to do with it. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT! | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
Just a bit too loud. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
If you don't get out of this town right now, | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
I will batter you with this pepper mill! | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
That's a salt! | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
-I'm an expert at this type of combat, you know! -What do you mean? | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
I'm a seasoned professional. | 0:21:57 | 0:21:58 | |
-Ah-choo! -Ah-choo! -Ah-choo! | 0:22:00 | 0:22:04 | |
MUSIC: O Sole Mio | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
Ah-choo! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
-Ah-choo! -Ah-choo! -Ah-choo! | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
What are you doing? The archery contest is about to restart! | 0:22:16 | 0:22:21 | |
-You're right, Glen - that's enough milling about, take that! -Argh! | 0:22:21 | 0:22:26 | |
You knocked him spark out! | 0:22:27 | 0:22:28 | |
Yes, and now to wipe the pepper off Robin's arrows. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
My condiments to the Sheriff. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
Hang on, you've still got an arrow in your foot. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
Shall I put a bandage on it? | 0:22:38 | 0:22:39 | |
It doesn't matter now, but I meant bandage my foot - | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
not the arrow. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
Robin, when it's your shot, use this arrow. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
Tim Vine, final arrow! | 0:22:53 | 0:22:57 | |
Come on, Vine... | 0:23:05 | 0:23:06 | |
Tim, you require hitting the target! | 0:23:06 | 0:23:10 | |
That's never going to happen. I'll aim at the ground. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:15 | |
CLANGING | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
The bull's-eye! | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
CROWD SINGS: Chase The Sun | 0:23:26 | 0:23:30 | |
# Oi-oi-oi! # | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
That was incredible. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:33 | |
Are you talking to me or the editor? | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
Robin Hood, final arrow. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
That's funny - my nose isn't tickling. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
The winner of the golden arrow is Robin Hood. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:55 | |
Robin Hood is the greatest archer of all time! | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
Not so fast! | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
SLOWLY: Robin Hood is the greatest archer of all time! | 0:24:03 | 0:24:08 | |
-It's the Sheriff of Nottingham. -Not him again! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
It's the Sheriff of Not-him-again. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
Tim? I'll deal with this... | 0:24:14 | 0:24:15 | |
Robin. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
Yes, Maid Marian? | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
Hang on, she's going to make a speech. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:25 | |
Romantic music, please! | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
-ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS -I love you so... | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
No, that's it, cut the music! | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
Robin and Marian are back together! | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
CHEERING | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
There is one man responsible for this joyful moment. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:43 | |
Tim, I would like you to have this golden arrow | 0:24:43 | 0:24:46 | |
as a token of my gratitude. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
When you give it to me, in a way, you give it to yourself. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
That'll make sense in the final scene. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
What a happy outcome! | 0:24:54 | 0:24:55 | |
And now to celebrate, Tim will sing a song to the entire village! | 0:24:55 | 0:24:59 | |
I beg your pardon? | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
# Sometimes life has a plan of its own | 0:25:03 | 0:25:09 | |
# Sometimes that plan involves a golden arrow | 0:25:09 | 0:25:14 | |
# But not very often! | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
# Golden arrow! Golden arrow! | 0:25:17 | 0:25:22 | |
# Everybody's got one | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
# Where's yours? # | 0:25:25 | 0:25:29 | |
-Tim, you're the only one that's got one! -Shush. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
# Sometimes archery is the skill that you crave | 0:25:31 | 0:25:37 | |
# Sometimes that archery involves a golden arrow | 0:25:37 | 0:25:43 | |
# But not very often... # Take it Glen! | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
RECORDER PLAYS | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
# La-la-la and that kind of thing... # | 0:25:54 | 0:25:58 | |
# Golden arrow! Golden arrow! | 0:25:59 | 0:26:04 | |
# Everybody's got one | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
# Where's yours? | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
-# Golden arrow!... # -Cheering over the chorus! | 0:26:10 | 0:26:13 | |
-Cheering over the chorus! -# Golden arrow | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
# Everybody's got one | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
# Where's yours? | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
# Golden arrow! Everybody's got one... # | 0:26:21 | 0:26:25 | |
I'm back in the here and now! | 0:26:31 | 0:26:34 | |
CHEERING | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
Well, that was an arrow escape! | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
This is one of the happiest paintings | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
I've ever seen in my life. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
It may not look happy to you, | 0:26:48 | 0:26:49 | |
but this was the scene half a second later... | 0:26:49 | 0:26:53 | |
That's nice, isn't it? | 0:26:53 | 0:26:54 | |
BELL TINKLES | 0:26:56 | 0:26:57 | |
Welcome back, Ore! Here you are, one brand-new golden arrow. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:02 | |
Wow, that is incredible, Tim. How on earth did you do that? | 0:27:02 | 0:27:07 | |
If you only knew. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:08 | |
What an adventure I've had. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
If only you could have been there... | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
You do know he was Robin Hood, don't you? | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
Now, are you ready for the grand opening? | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
I've got some lovely silk ribbon for you to cut. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
Look at that! Ribbon Hood! | 0:27:25 | 0:27:26 | |
Oh, dear. I'm allergic to silk ribbon. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
It brings me up in these sneezing fits. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
In fact I can feel one coming on right now. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
-I'd better go. -You can't go! | 0:27:36 | 0:27:37 | |
I can go. Did somebody say tango? | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
TANGO MUSIC PLAYS | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
Goodbye, Ore Oduba! | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
Typical - the search for a celebrity to open Tim's Antiques goes on. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:56 | |
Well, what have we learnt today? | 0:27:56 | 0:27:57 | |
We've learnt that you can't hit what you don't aim for | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
and we've learnt that the word "sheriff" | 0:28:00 | 0:28:01 | |
sounds a little bit like "chef", | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
but not quite enough to be hilarious. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
Whatever you do in life, try to keep the peace, | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
and if you've got a broken arrow, keep both pieces. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
See you again - same time, different time. Bye! | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
# It's over in a minute | 0:28:16 | 0:28:17 | |
# When you're travelling through time | 0:28:17 | 0:28:20 | |
# It's over in a minute | 0:28:20 | 0:28:21 | |
# Hey, my name is Tim Vine | 0:28:21 | 0:28:23 | |
# It's over in a minute | 0:28:23 | 0:28:24 | |
# When you're travelling through time | 0:28:24 | 0:28:27 | |
# It's over in a minute | 0:28:27 | 0:28:28 | |
# My favourite fruit juice is lime | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
# It's over in a minute | 0:28:30 | 0:28:32 | |
# My favourite number is nine | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
# It's over in a minute | 0:28:34 | 0:28:35 | |
# But there is a small chance | 0:28:35 | 0:28:37 | |
# That it might feel a bit longer. # | 0:28:37 | 0:28:40 |