Mister Winner Comedy Playhouse

Please mind the closing doors...

BANGS ON WINDOW

Woohoo! What you doing out there? Get back on the train!

Sorry. Excuse me.

SHE SIGHS

-That was close.

-What did you go out there for?

It's easier to come down the platform

than walk through a moving train.

The train isn't moving when it's in a station.

-Well, I know that now.

-Toilet's gross. Wee all over the floor.

Yeah, so did I. Nothing to hang on to.

It's very sweet of you to suggest visiting my parents.

-As I always say, family's very important.

-Do you?

Still haven't met yours!

Urgh, not mine. In general. Here, look at this.

Oh, mah Gawd! Mah teef, they look well nice!

Silly!

You do it!

No!

Ah, go on! Live a little!

All right.

Ooh! Look at mah teef!

Tickets?

-I'm going to buy a house like this one day.

-You need a job first.

If I'd known I was on a trial period,

I would have tried a lot harder at that place. RINGS DOORBELL

That supervisor had it in for me. So did the one at the place before.

Anyway, I'm setting up my own business empire in my shed.

-Soon as I get that business loan.

-And the shed.

RINGS DOORBELL That's why I need the loan.

Hello, you two! Come on in! How was your journey? Any delays?

Well, he lost a shoe at one point.

Huh-huh! Oo-ooh!

All right?

All right, Leslie?

Cor! They're big goldfish!

-They're Koi.

-All right. I'll give them a minute to get used to me.

No! They're Koi carp. Jemma's favourite.

I dug this whole thing and lined it myself.

A bit frustrating. Have to top it up with water every night.

Aw! Thirsty buggers, are they?

Must be where the saying comes from. Here, Chris...

I need to ask you a serious question.

-That's why I wanted to come and see you today.

-Go on.

Ahem.

-I want to ask for Jemma's hand in marriage.

-Oh, right.

Well, do you love her?

-Yeah, I do, very much.

-Cos Jemma's my little angel.

I rocked her to sleep, taught her how to ride a bike, wiped her bum.

I want to do all those things for her, Chris.

OK...

Well, you're going to need to do this properly.

-You have to go down on one knee.

-Yeah.

Chris?

-Can I have your...?

-Not now!

Sh... Shall I surprise you?

Garden looks good. How are my babies doing?

Oh, feels like he's bloody married to those fish sometimes!

I don't get a look in. Still, it keeps him calm.

That and his colouring books.

Adult colouring books, eh? Very fashionable.

Oh, they do adult ones, do they? Maybe that's what the doctor meant.

Well, it's done wonders for his anger.

Unless he goes over the lines,

and then he gets absolutely furious, sometimes for a couple of days.

So, is this getting serious?

-Leslie's the first boyfriend we've met more than once.

-Mum!

That sounds terrible!

No, actually. I'm going to break up with him. Just not sure how.

Oh, why? He's nice!

-He makes you laugh more than anyone else has.

-But that's ALL he does.

He's never serious about anything.

-If a man makes you laugh, that's important.

-Does Dad make you laugh?

Well, I have to do it behind his back, but, yeah.

He's always joking around,

he's never going to get a proper job, he's never got any money,

he never tells me he loves me, we never go anywhere!

Well, he's taking you to London for the weekend.

Only because I've been moaning at him.

-It's too little, too late, Mum!

-Well, I can't give you advice.

I haven't had a relationship for years. I've been married to your dad, haven't I?

Watch what you're doing!

When are you going to do it?

This weekend, when we get a quiet moment.

Why don't you give him one more chance, eh?

Whoa!

Maybe.

But it's one more chance, then I'm dumping him.

-Yeah. Well, you're not getting any younger.

-Mum!

Give it to me.

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Come down.

Ooh. Ah! She's been dropping all the hints, you know?

Saying she wants more out of life.

She doesn't see me as a boyfriend long-term.

She's not having fun at the moment and she wants things to change.

-You did keep the receipt for the ring, right?

-Yeah.

-Spent two months' wages on it.

-Right.

Cos you have to do something really special these days.

Something memorable. Make it so she can't say no.

Oh, I am. I've got it all planned, right? I've got this big weekend...

-ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

-No!

Cor! They're not shy any more, are they?

They're all coming to the surface now.

Look, I can't help feeling a little bit responsible

for what happened, Chris.

Were you very fond of those hedge trimmers?

Those poor fish.

You know I love fish, Leslie.

When I was a girl, my best friends were my clownfish.

I wanted to be a mermaid when I grew up!

She did. Up to a slightly worrying age.

-I got a very concerned call from the careers advisor.

-I know you wanted to be a mermaid, Jem.

And I know your dad used to take you to the aquarium every weekend.

Look, there is a bright side to all this.

Now your dad will have more time to spend with me.

Great(!)

Floaty, Mr Spots, Big Orange...

Karen.

All gone!

Leslie, this is the last straw. We need to have a little talk.

Not now, though, eh, Jem, love? Chris, change the subject, will you?

You're normally very good at that.

It was my fault, Jemma. I left the trimmers on the stepladder.

It was very quick.

-The fish didn't feel anything.

-Oh, Chris!

-Go to London.

-Yeah!

Let's lighten up, guys! Chris has said he's sorry.

Let's have a laugh. Here, Jem, you'll like this.

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Don't put your coat on

before you go outside!

You won't feel the benefit!

Nan bread!

Oh, ha-ha!

Did you see that, Chris?

Aw!

Very good.

Every time!

The old ones are the best. Here, who you calling old?

Sorry!

Now, here's to a memorable weekend in the Big Smoke.

And let's tip out a little vino for those fishes,

who are no longer with us.

Thanks to Chris.

Why do people go abroad when there's all this history on our doorstep?

For the weather? Should have brought an umbrella.

Makes you proud to be British.

Check out the size of that Nando's!

Ho-ho-ho!

Where's M&M World? We got to get a picture of us in front of that.

Here, check this out.

-I ordered it from abroad, especially for this weekend.

-Oh, what is it?

-A selfie stick?!

-An ultimate extender selfie stick!

Look at the extension on that!

That's ridiculous! It's too far away!

Well, you can just zoom in a bit on your phone.

SHUTTER CLICKS I'm thinking of importing these in bulk.

Everyone's going to want one. You have to be strong, though.

Er, do you mind?! Stupid idiot!

Did you hear that?

She called me a stupid idiot. That's a hate crime.

You did hit her on the head. Maybe say sorry.

Nah.

All right, I'll give her a little tap to say sorry.

-Would you put that bloody thing away?

-I was trying to say sorry.

Oh, my God! How jealous is she of my selfie stick?

Go and say sorry properly! You're embarrassing me!

Sorry I tapped you,

by accident.

MOBILE RINGS Oh, my phone's ringing! Go and see who it is!

-No, bring the phone towards you.

-Urgh!

Hello?

Yes, speaking.

Go over there and hold this to my ear.

-We're missing all the sights!

-It's the bank!

Yes. Leslie Winner speaking.

SHE MOUTHS Well, how can I get more capital

if I don't get a loan to start things off, eh?

Well, actually, I do have half an idea, thank you very much.

I've got ideas coming out my arse.

And that's no reflection on the quality of them.

Hello?

-What's going on?

-They won't give me a business loan.

Aw! I'm sorry.

Tower of London! We need to get a picture of us in front of that!

-BRANCHES CLATTER Oi! Retract! Retract!

-Quick!

Oh!

Blimey!

Nearly lost me phone then!

This selfie stick's useless without that.

I've had overdrafts, credit cards,

I've paid hundreds in fines, and where's the thanks, eh?

-Leslie, where are we going? We've walked miles!

-We're here.

This is the place.

What? Where's the hotel?

Hotel?

All right, Grandma! This is the modern version of a hotel.

This is some bloke's flat.

Airbnb?!

Ah, so that's how you pronounce it!

"Air B 'n' B"!

It's a more authentic way to see a city.

Smells like animals in here.

No. No animals here.

Just me, so...

Don't worry.

No smoking either.

Gave up last week.

COUGHS

Did look a BIT nicer in the pictures.

Well, yeah, I tidied up for the pictures.

So, how long have you two been a couple, then?

-14 months.

-Nearly 15.

Then it will be the longest relationship I've ever had.

-Yeah, well, let's...

-Really?

So, it's a weekend away to get the old spark back?

Maybe try some new things as well?

-Yeah. I've got a few exciting things planned.

-Oh, great!

Er, are you planning to go quite soon?

I can if you want, but I'm...totally open-minded to anything, really.

Yeah, I think maybe you should go.

Pretty sure that's how it works.

OK. Well, um...

Have fun.

Relax.

Experiment!

And if my landlord comes round, do not answer the door.

OK. Bye!

-This is disgusting! Did you not read the reviews?

-Course I did.

There were a couple of really good ones.

I mean, it took a while to find them, but...

You've missed a bit.

Ta.

-You sure he's definitely going to ask her this weekend?

-Yes.

He said he's got something special planned.

Poor Leslie!

-Should we text Jemma and warn her?

-No, we can't ruin his surprise!

-I'm going to text her.

-No, don't, Teresa!

It's their life!

You're right.

The problem with Jemma is she thinks people are like mobile phones.

There's always a better one coming along.

When you proposed to me,

you were like that faithful old Nokia in the drawer.

Nothing flash, but you worked and no-one wanted to steal you.

Thank you(!)

Oh, shit!

Why does Rupert have to have such complicated trousers?!

I'm not being funny, but this is your idea of a romantic weekend?

Sleeping in a sex offender's flat that smells like a rabbit hutch?!

Well, it's nicer than my flat!

And how do you know he's a sex offender?

Have you been reading the reviews?

I can't put a picture of this on Instagram.

My friends will think I've been kidnapped!

Why didn't you book a hotel, you cheapskate?!

Well, you don't get these personal touches in a hotel. Here, look.

# Da-da-da da-da-da da-da, oi! #

Ha-ha! Not tonight, mate!

Leslie, do you ever think we want different things out of life?

No, what do you mean?

Well, do you ever get the travel bug?

Yeah, I had it in Spain. It was horrible.

See? You've only ever been to Spain.

I want to see the world.

I want to sleep under the stars in Costa Rica.

Well, you can sleep under the stars here.

There's nothing wrong with our British stars.

-They're the same stars, Leslie.

-Well, there you go, then!

I want to see the Northern Lights in Iceland.

I want to go across America on a Greyhound.

-That sounds cruel.

-It's a type of bus,

and the fact that you don't know that shows we're very different.

You're just not romantic.

Oh.

Romance you want, is it?

That is NOT happening!

That weirdo's probably got hidden cameras set up in here.

WHISPERS: Don't call him a weirdo, then.

I thought he was very nice!

Look, tomorrow's a new day, yeah? We should get some sleep.

I've got some special things planned.

OK. But this chat isn't over.

Jemma?

I need the toilet.

Do you really think there's cameras in here?

Cos I threw my pants all the way over there.

I know what you were starting to say earlier.

SHE SNORES QUIETLY

I've had "the chat" enough times in my life.

We might be different, but I love you, Jemma.

SHE SNORES And tomorrow, I'm going

to propose to you and everything's going to make sense.

Cos I love you.

I've been saving up to make you a winner.

Mrs Winner.

Winner by name, winner by nature. See?

Up to now, my name has seemed slightly ironic.

But I reckon things are going to turn around for me any day.

Princess Di, she died.

Terry Waite, he was chained to a radiator for years, waiting.

Stevie Wonder... wonders what it's like to see.

I'm going to be a winner at the Game Of Life.

Do you remember that board game?

That'll be us, Jemma. Driving round in a tiny car, having babies.

SNORTS

And I promise,

we're going to get you the best doctors for this snoring.

We can fix you!

SHE CHUCKLES

It's the aquarium!

I know! We queued up for half an hour!

Oh, I love it! Cor, I spent some time in here as a kid.

This slightly reminds me of those Koi carp, though.

Oh, you've got to put them out of your mind.

They, and those brilliant hedge trimmers,

are in a better place now.

Look! There's the sharks!

Hm.

Urgh, no. I hate sharks.

Look at their dead eyes.

Don't be such a coward, Leslie.

I ain't a coward.

I just don't like sharks.

Ever since that movie, you know?

Finding Nemo.

The sharks were right bullies in that!

Hello! Talk of the devil! There's Nemo.

Clownfish. Those are saddlebacks. Oh, I love it!

How silly, wanting to be a mermaid, eh?

Well, it's better than wanting to work in an office, like you do.

What did you want to be when you grew up, Leslie?

Just...

an adult.

-That's not much of a dream!

-No, but I thought it was achievable.

And I could drive a car and that.

You can't drive a car.

I know.

Thanks for bringing me here, Leslie!

This is awesome! Nice to actually do something together.

Yeah. I've just got to go and do something on my own.

-Be back in a bit.

-What?! Leslie!

Can I speak to the manager, please?

-Are you Mr Winner?

-Yes.

Rita! We meet at last.

Yes, please, um, come this way.

-Have you been getting my voicemails?

-Yes, I have.

DREAMLIKE MUSIC PLAYS

This is Brad. He's your diver today.

All right, mate?

Shouldn't that say, "Will you marry him"?

Cos if it says, "Will you marry me," it sounds like Brad's saying it.

He's quite handsome.

She might be a bit disappointed when she realises it's me asking.

I can point to you.

-All right.

-You're just nervous. That's the sign we always use.

Yeah, I am a bit nervous. She's wavering a bit, you know?

This needs to be extra special to pull her back.

-No-one's ever said no.

-Yeah, well, they said no-one had

ever failed the cycling proficiency test, but I did. Twice.

Look, why don't I go in the tank? I did diving in Spain.

-I've got a certificate.

-Oh? What certificate?

Really good one. Had a dolphin on it. All the kids got one.

-It will show her I'm adventurous.

-No way!

We're not insured to have members of the public jump in our tanks!

I'm only diving in the coral reef.

There ain't nothing adventurous about it.

Aw, please, guys. This is my last chance.

We'd be shut down if we allowed that.

Now, look, that's the sign, he's the diver, it's going to be great!

OK. You go and get her in place. I need to get my words together.

-Yes, this is going to be fine, Mr Winner.

-I've got butterflies.

I hope they're butterflies. Can I use your toilet?

-You OK, madam?

-Yeah, I'm not sure where my...friend has got to.

Why don't you come and look in this tank?

There's something very rare in here, not often sighted.

I thought that was just coral reef?

Oh, no, no, this is very special. Please.

TOILET FLUSHES

-CHRIS'S VOICE ECHOES:

-Make it so she can't say no.

Ah, over there, that's her.

Right, I've got to go and get into my gear.

It's in there, honestly.

It should appear any minute.

There he is.

BAND PLAYS

# Somewhere... #

Jemma!

# Beyond the sea

# Somewhere waiting for me

# My lover stands on golden sands

# And watches the ships that go sailing

# It's far...#

CHILDREN SCREAM

-What's going on?

-That's the shark tank!

That's Leslie!

What the hell?

# We'll meet

# Beyond the shore. #

Will you marry me?

Oh, my God!

No-o-o-o!

SCREAMS

# I'll go sai...

# ..ling. #

What are these machines? Nurses? Hospital curtains?

Where am I?

Hospital.

Oh, my God, you look old. Have I been in a coma?

No!

You're the first shark-attack victim ever admitted

to a central London hospital.

I could have been eaten alive.

Well, no, they said it was only playing.

Does this look like playing to you?

You asked me to marry you.

I was trying to get down on one knee, honestly,

but I kept floating back up again.

I'm not going to change my answer. My answer was no.

OK.

The aquarium reckon the shark will pass the ring

in the next couple of days.

Right.

I had to go back to that weird bloke's flat

to pick up our bags on my own.

-Sorry.

-He was there.

Ended up talking to him.

Guess what, he DID have hidden cameras!

No? Oh, he's getting rated down for that!

Had a moral crisis about it.

Showed me some footage of you.

Look, I do that to help me get to sleep.

Footage of you talking to me while I was asleep, being serious.

Saying things you never said to me when I'm awake.

Like you love me.

Oh.

Yes, what I could hear over my snoring was very sweet.

Well, if you're not going to marry me, I can finally say it.

You snore like a drunk hippo and when you roll over, it's like a...

Leslie, after hearing you say how you feel for the first time ever

and all the effort you went to,

I realise I've been a bit harsh on you.

My answer was no, but I was an idiot.

Now it's yes.

-I want to marry you.

-Really?

I told my parents. They're so excited.

My dad's really looking forward to giving me away.

Oh, don't say that. He's very fond of you.

We're getting married. Woohoo!

-Congratulations.

-I can't believe you're going to marry me.

A lot of my friends are saying that on Facebook.

Do you know what? I don't care.

We'll show them. As soon as someone gives me some capital,

I'm going to be a self-made man.

Ooh, that sounds good.

Now, can you cut my food up for me?

-Today is the first day of the rest of our lives, Jemma.

-I know.

Oh...

..get the ultimate extender selfie stick.