The Red Nose African Convoy Comic Relief

-CAR HORN SOUNDS

-You've done...

-Doing that?

-No!

-No-one does that.

-No, I'm doing it.

-HORN HONKS

For Comic Relief this year,

six celebrities are well and truly in the driving seat.

Oh, my God.

They're guiding a convoy of trucks 7,000km from Nairobi in Kenya

to eastern Uganda.

-Now, have we done the right? No.

-Babe, we've just started driving.

Their road -

the Northern Corridor,

the busiest trade route in East Africa...

Everything seems to have fallen apart

sooner than even I thought it would.

..and one of the most dangerous highways in the world.

-No, no, no!

-Whoa!

# Shut up and drive

# Shut up and drive... #

Yes!

That is what I'm talking about.

The team are delivering vital supplies

to Comic Relief-funded projects.

It's not heavy.

God, the lives of unborn children are relying on MY biceps.

Life-saving maternity equipment...

It's literally going to save women's lives, babies' lives.

..bicycles...

Start on this foot.

There we go, there we go.

And a huge delivery of mosquito nets to an entire community.

'To actually place the nets into the hands of the people

'that need them most...'

-Thank you.

-Take care.

..it's huge for me.

Getting gloves on, man.

It's about to get real.

It's the road trip of a lifetime.

I feel like a flower.

They'll see first-hand how local project workers...

Wow!

..are using the money you donate...

-BICYCLE BELL RINGS

-Beatrice, you can slow down now.

Slow down, Beatrice!

..to change lives.

Next time I'm whingeing because my skinny latte isn't warm enough,

I think a little voice will go, "Shut up, you snivelling idiot."

It's bright and early,

and the team are assembling in central Nairobi.

-Hello. Can I have a cup of tea?

-Yeah.

On tea duty, comedians Hugh Dennis and David Baddiel.

Any sweeteners?

Joining them, documentary maker Reggie Yates...

-How you doing?

-Yeah, great.

..comedy actress Katy Brand...

Oh, wow, thanks very much.

..comedian Russell Kane and actress and writer Michaela Coel.

-Thank you.

-So, we're driving to Uganda, aren't we?

I haven't driven in, like, six years or something.

-You haven't driven in six years?

-I'm just a cyclist, mate.

You're just talking to a cyclist!

-It's got a red nose on.

-What's that?

-Oh, my God, it does.

The lorry's got a red nose on.

-That's one of our lorries.

-That's part of our convoy.

The team will be navigating the route and leading the convoy.

But before they set off,

security chief Bob Nyanja must brief them on the challenges of the road.

Hello.

-Good morning.

-Morning.

Morning, famous citizens of the United Kingdom.

Welcome to Nairobi.

In the next six days,

you're going to be driving about 700km.

A couple of years back, an online publication rated this road

as the fifth most dangerous road to drive on in the world.

The Northern Corridor. Everything is on that road.

Buses, trucks, lorries, trailers, zebras, antelopes.

Jesus Christ.

Last year alone we had more than 3,000 fatalities on this road.

So, I'm very serious, you need to be careful.

Our first stop is going to be a place called Kibera.

-OK.

-So, what are you waiting for? Let's go!

Let's move!

The teams will take it in turns to head up the convoy.

I forgot my cossie!

First up, good friends Michaela and Reggie.

-Just checking that our walkie-talkie is working.

-It's important.

Where's the walkie?

Where is the walkie? Interesting start.

Roger, Michaela.

This is who I am.

Roger, if you can hear us, if you're not currently rogering,

-can you respond?

-Can Roger confirm that he's working?

-Roger, can you roger?

-Roger, can you just roger us?

Over the next six days,

the team will make deliveries along East Africa's major trade route,

the Northern Corridor.

Through the Western Highlands, and over the border into Uganda...

..700km to their final destination of Nagongera.

But first, they must tackle the Kenyan capital...

HORNS HONK

..in rush-hour.

There's a big sign that says exit.

I know, yeah. What I propose is that we take a right here.

-Thank you, thanks for that.

-We took a right...

Have we done the right? No.

Babe, we've just started driving.

Yeah, but we had to do a left, right out of here.

-I don't know what I'm doing.

-Just go straight.

I can't go straight. That's no entry.

-Oh, go right, then.

-Go right?

-I don't know.

-No, I'm going left.

-'It's no entry?'

Yes, I'm going left.

We're going left, just because...

Just because...I don't know why.

-HUGH:

-Where's the lead car?

Er... Yeah, no idea where we are.

-RUSSELL:

-Still trying to work out what the lead car is.

Oh, no, I think we're behind it. Yes! Over.

-KATY:

-I'm now behind Michaela and Reggie.

We are directly behind Reggie and Michaela, over.

Hiya!

The Comic Relief truck is now behind us.

The first delivery is 8km south-west of the centre,

from modern Nairobi's wealthy heartland

into one of its poorest divisions, Kibera.

This land was once forest,

but over the last century

it's grown into the largest urban slum in Africa.

That is Kibera, I assume.

Yeah.

Over 250,000 people live here, in the most basic of homes,

with no running water or decent sanitation,

and with no access to public health care.

This is the most full-on place I've ever been in my entire life.

I've never seen anything like this.

Nothing.

There's the health centre.

-Where?

-There.

There. There, there.

-There?

-There.

-Stop saying "there".

There's a man in a white coat.

A doctor. That's a doctor, definitely a doctor.

Yeah, let's park over here.

Kibera Amref Medical Centre serves 70,000 people.

It's an essential lifeline for the community.

Hello. I'm Hugh.

-What's your name?

-Walter.

-Walter and...?

-Virginia.

Today, Comic Relief is delivering equipment for the maternity unit,

including a much-needed ultrasound machine.

Delivery beds,

examination couch.

Beds, examination couch.

Ow!

-Right on me foot.

-Doctor!

Right on me big toe.

-We've got to lift that?

-Yes, that's the ultrasound machine.

-What is it?

-The ultrasound machine.

-That's the ultrasound machine?

OK, all right.

Let me get in this bit, at least.

Ohh. Oh, my God.

That's not heavy.

God, the lives of unborn children are relying on MY biceps.

Hello, Violet. Nice to meet you, my name's Michaela.

Let me walk you to the maternity.

Michaela is shadowing midwife Violet Bosibori.

-Delivery room.

-Yeah, delivery room.

Like many of the staff here,

Violet has received training through Comic Relief funding.

Tell me, what am I going to be doing today?

Today, we have one mother in labour.

We have one mother in labour?

-What is her name?

-Shamira.

Shamira? And what stage is she at right now?

-She's still in the first stage.

-OK.

-She was about six centimetres.

I've never seen...

anybody have a baby.

-Oh.

-So, what can I expect?

Expect the mother to be very uncomfortable, screaming, maybe.

-Blood may splash on you.

-Mm-hm. I'm ready.

Getting gloves on, man.

It's about to get real.

I'm overcompensating. I'm hyperventilating inside.

OK, cool.

-How many KG is that?

-I think that is 77.

Katy is in the antenatal department, with senior midwife Virginia Njeri.

This is called a foetoscope.

-A foetoscope?

-A foetoscope.

So, Hilda is about 38 weeks?

-Yes.

-It could be any time, really.

Uh-huh. Now, it is here.

Can I hear it? OK.

You feel something saying "tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh".

-You tell me?

-Yes?

Yes, a little baby.

I wish you could listen -

but we're not made that way!

When you feel all of that, you reassure this mother.

-All is well.

-I remember, as soon as they heard the heartbeat,

I felt better.

It's very instructive to see how Virginia works.

Obviously she's just highly experienced

and highly skilled as a midwife.

She knows exactly what she's doing, without any of the equipment.

But, as anyone who has been pregnant knows,

all you want is to look after the baby that's inside you

and make sure it's OK.

You know, the kind of equipment that we take for granted in the UK

allows you to do all that.

So, I just feel enormously...

pleased that we get to bring them an ultrasound machine.

I think it's all set up and ready to go, the ultrasound machine.

-My God, it's here!

-I know.

It's good. My goodness.

So, this is how I have been taught, this is the patient information.

Virginia's first patient is already on her way.

Are you feeling very tired?

No, no.

No, I'm a bit better.

Rose is 27 weeks pregnant with her second child.

-Hello. Hi.

-How are you? I am good.

-Come in.

-For the first time.

-It's exciting.

-Yes.

-Can you see this?

-Yes.

-That is the heart of the baby.

-OK.

-That's the first thing we need to check on the ultrasound.

Is it strange to see the baby inside you, Rose?

Yes.

There is the heartbeat, there.

I've been talking to Virginia all day

about the arrival of this ultrasound machine.

She's been so looking forward to it being here.

The conditions that a pregnant woman can have,

even as skilled and experienced as Virginia is,

she can't diagnose it without a machine like this.

It's just a massive moment for this clinic.

It is literally going to save women's lives, babies' lives.

It's like a whole new era for the clinic, really.

Good. The baby is a girl.

Hey, wow.

-Amazing.

-So, you have a boy and a girl.

-Yes.

-And is the baby healthy, as you can see?

Yes, the baby is healthy.

That's the best thing.

-I feel better.

-You feel better?

-Yeah.

-Is it, like, a relief?

-Yes, I feel relieved.

-Good.

Virginia, can I give you a hug?

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-You've been so welcoming.

It's been so lovely to meet you.

-I'm really glad you got your machine.

-Welcome.

-Thank you.

The baby is just here.

In terms of medicine for pain relief,

what do you guys have?

-We have nothing.

-You have nothing?

-Yes.

-OK.

So there's nothing to ease the pain?

OK.

I know it's painful, you can do it.

You are strong, OK?

You are strong.

Breathe, breathe.

SHE MOANS

Slowly, slowly, slowly.

Wow, that's a baby! Wow!

Oh, my God.

Congratulations.

That was good.

Well done.

It's a boy? It's a girl!

It's a girl. It is a girl.

-Congratulations.

-Girls are the best.

Wow!

3.35.

3.35.

They're working with limited equipment, really.

It's amazing.

I know this is, like, the bit where, like...

someone's saying, please give money.

I have been at home, many times, especially my teenage years,

I've watched these things and I haven't got it.

But I really get it.

It literally doesn't take much, you know.

If you give a tiny bit, if everybody gives a tiny bit, it's, like, loads.

I can't find a reason

not to just pick up the damn phone and give a LITTLE bit of money.

There's no reason.

Yeah.

Wow.

If you want to help Virginia, Violet and the amazing team at Kibera,

please text.

I can't believe that just happened!

Wow.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Yeah. Congratulations.

OK.

Amazing.

After yesterday's successful delivery to the Kibera clinic,

the team have two more drops to make.

CAR HORN SOUNDS

-You've done...

-Doing that?

-No!

-No-one does that.

-No, I'm doing it.

-HORN HONKS

But with 600km until the next one...

-Come on, gang. Let's go.

-Come on.

-Let's get some aggression.

..they've got some serious hours to put in on the road.

-Well done. It seemed to work, that technique.

-It worked.

Hi, this is Hugh in the lead vehicle.

-The lead vehicle?

-Yeah.

We're just checking that the convoy's still intact.

Hello, Hugh. This is Katy. We are directly behind you.

Katy's directly behind us.

-That's good.

-You could probably have told me that

by just looking in the mirror.

And I think Reggie and Michaela are directly behind us.

Is that right, guys?

MUSIC: Koffi Anan by Yemi Alade

Reggie and Michaela might be behind them, but they've gone.

They've adopted radio silence for a bit.

The team are guiding the trucks out of Nairobi

along the Northern Corridor...

also known as the Devil's Highway.

From Nairobi, today's route is 260km.

11 hours of slow-moving traffic,

through the Great Rift Valley,

to their overnight stop of Kericho in the Western Highlands.

Just outside Nairobi,

the road drops into one of the most important places on earth

for us humans.

So this is the Rift Valley, I guess?

-I think it must be.

-It's amazing.

Do they call this the cradle of humanity?

Have I got that right, or have I made that up?

Don't know. I'd have to ask Google, but I ain't got Wi-Fi.

-I think Africa is the cradle of humanity.

-No, it is. It is.

This is sort of where all human ancestors began.

-What did you just say?

-What do you mean, sort of?

-We're just pulling over.

-What kind of talk is that, sort of?

You don't see David Attenborough

-saying...

-No, he doesn't ever say that...

-.."sort of gorillas".

Stretching for over 6,000km, from Jordan to Mozambique,

the Great Rift Valley was once home to our earliest ancestors

more than four million years ago.

So what does modern man do when visiting such a place?

Where's it come from, sheep?

-Sheep.

-Oh, that fits.

I think he's got a tremendous deal, with not really haggling at all.

No, you'd never pay £20 for a hat, would you?

-Not even in Camden.

-In Camden Market you wouldn't pay £20.

Also, you would never wear this hat apart from now.

Are you seriously telling me to go on there?

Make sure you're on the vertical struts underneath, can you see?

I'm taking panoramic now.

Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt,

thaw, and resolve itself into a dew.

Are you quoting Shakespeare?

It's cos it's like a Shakespearean stage.

Or that the Everlasting

had not turned its canon 'gainst self-slaughter.

Uh-oh.

-I think we win the hat game.

-Yeah, we do win the hat game.

It's already noon,

and with only a quarter of today's distance completed,

they're settling in for a long journey.

-I think I might ask you...

-Yeah.

-..to take my pouch off.

-What, while we're driving?

-Yeah.

Can you do that? Cos I can't do it.

I'm not sure I want to go there, Dave.

Have a go.

You don't know where the clip is. And neither do I.

Just tell me where the clip is.

-How do I know?

-I'm just....

What are you doing now? Now you're touching my genitals.

Don't touch my genitals.

Your genitals aren't there!

Oh, hello.

That's tickling!

Really, I think this is not safe.

Oh, hang on, there it is. There we go, look, this is it.

That's definitely already more comfortable.

Today's route takes the convoy

through some of Kenya's worst traffic black spots.

Wheyy, watch out.

-Whoa!

-BLEEP

Every day an estimated 20,000 vehicles

make their way along the Northern Corridor,

and businesses have built up around it -

including the sex-work industry,

which has brought with it high rates of HIV infection.

Reggie's breaking away from the convoy to visit Salgaa,

a place that has grown from trucker stop to Wild West frontier town...

..thought to be home to 1,500 sex workers.

-Hello.

-Hello.

In one of the town's brothels,

he's meeting community health worker Zachary.

-Good to see you, man. Reggie.

-Thank you, I'm Zachary.

-Pleasure to meet you.

-Welcome.

-These are the rooms that are used,

-I take it?

-These are rooms. These are lodges.

For now it's closed,

but from around 6pm you will see more trucks coming in.

Zachary's taking Reggie to meet a sex worker

who faces the threat of contracting HIV every day.

How old were you when you started?

I started sex work when I was 24 years old and I'm now 30.

The reason why I joined sex work is because I had no food

to put for my children on the table.

I'm not proud of it.

Are you working here this evening?

Yeah. I work day and night.

-So, how much would you earn in one night?

-£5.

-Five English pounds?

Yeah. There are so many things you have to do without money.

You have to feed your children, pay school fees, pay rent.

Is your injury related to what you do?

-Yeah.

-What happened?

The client didn't want to use a condom,

so I ended up fighting with him.

Just because he didn't want to use a condom with me.

I ended up breaking my arm.

I'd prefer going back home without money

than having sex with a client without a condom.

I'm not HIV-positive.

Do you think that you'll stop any time soon?

If I get an alternative source of income, then I will,

because I really don't like this job.

I do it just because of my children.

It doesn't take you long to realise that this motorway

is actually carrying the virus from one place to another,

and this stop-off spot of Salgaa is multiplying it,

in scary and dangerous ways,

with massive collateral damage to families,

to people and to women.

Whether it makes you uncomfortable or not,

what she's doing is for her children.

The conditions that she's putting herself in

are not what I would wish for my worst enemy.

As Reggie pushes to catch up with the trucks,

not everything is going smoothly for one of the convoy vehicles.

-You see that's our truck?

-Yeah. OK.

They're heading the wrong way down a one-way street.

There's a policeman.

-What does that mean?

-I don't know. Have we been stopped by the police?

I don't know.

-Where's our what?

-Driving licence?

I'm very sorry.

-OK.

-Yeah.

-Yes, it is.

-It is good to talk.

-Thank you very much indeed.

-You are very kind.

-Thank you, sir.

-Thank you, sir.

Come on, my friend. Come on.

Come on, come on.

OK, I think... I have now tested the acceleration and found it wanting.

Katy? This is Hugh.

David wants to know if you need the lavatory.

Thank you, David, you're a gentleman.

My bladder is doing all right, thank you.

-I'm on about 60%.

-That's excellent news, thank you.

After 12 hours, they finally make it to Kericho.

-Thanks very much.

-Welcome.

Hello. Hi, there.

I'd like to trade in my chips for the roulette table, please.

-Sorry?

-Nothing, it's just a Vegas joke.

Having had very few places to stop on the road,

there's just one thing on their minds.

Problem is, the toilet doesn't flush, and...

Things being as they are, that would be a problem.

I don't want to go into detail, but...

I just cried with happiness at this sight.

That is a flushing toilet and a bath

where I can get my head under the tap.

It's amazing how quickly you miss home.

All right, see you later, guys.

You'd better not come in,

because we've got, like, roast swan and stuff like that

and it looks bad.

-I'm driving, yeah?

-You're driving. Come on.

-All right.

Come on, stop stalling now.

OK.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

-Funny, is it?

-Sorry.

-My pants are ruined.

On these cars, the indicator is on the right.

And none of us are used to it.

I just put my windscreen wiper on.

Every time we want to turn, if it's stressful,

we turn the windscreen wipers on!

-How was yesterday?

-In Salgaa?

A strange little place to go to, you know?

It was a lot bigger than I thought it would be.

It's like a secret that the whole town knows, no-one talks about it...

Pretty much.

So is it therefore something that they feel is shameful?

-Yeah. So, the sex workers are sort of looked down upon...

-Right.

..by the rest of the people in the town.

Problems Reggie witnessed in Salgaa

have created a health issue in this province.

Almost one in five people here are living with HIV.

Russell and Katy are leaving the convoy to visit a project

where many of the workers are living with HIV themselves.

The place we're going today, the mothers2mothers project,

is the one I've been looking forward to the most, actually.

Because it's women who have taken the initiative to get together

and help other women when they're diagnosed.

The mothers2mothers project

works in collaboration with the District Hospital.

Their workers are known as mentor mothers.

Beatrice Misoga is the mentor-mother team leader.

-Beatrice?

-Yes, Beatrice.

-Katy.

-Welcome.

-Thank you, thank you.

-This is Russell.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I'm Russell, nice to meet you.

I've heard so much about you. I'm a little bit starstruck.

It's good to hear that.

Mothers2mothers supports women living with HIV,

providing them with access to education and drugs

to help prevent their children becoming infected too.

Katy, meet Kwinta.

-Hello, Kwinta.

-Hello.

-So nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you, too.

-And who are you?

-Hillary.

-Hillary?

Kwinta was diagnosed at the clinic last year,

and Beatrice was there to support her.

Do you remember how you felt when you got your own diagnosis?

-I'm happy.

-So you're happy now?

-I feel happy.

I think what's clear is that when you're feeling on your own

and you're frightened, and not only frightened for yourself

but frightened because you've got a tiny helpless baby to look after,

there is always someone here that you can come to who won't judge you,

who will just help you.

The project's main aim is to stop the transmission of HIV

from mothers to their babies.

That's amazing.

Do you know,

I think you'd be surprised that so many people in the UK,

where we're from, didn't even know that was possible.

-It is.

-We think if a mother is HIV-positive, then the child 100%...

-It is possible.

-I did not know that. I'm ashamed to admit my ignorance.

It is possible.

It's amazing, it's like a miracle or something.

When a baby is born to a mother living with HIV,

the child is given medication for the first six weeks,

but won't receive the all-clear for a year and a half.

Russell is going to meet Mary Christine, a schoolteacher

whose son Richard is about to have the crucial 18-month HIV test.

(It's this one, guys.)

Ah, hello, young man.

Are you going to close the door in my face?

That's what my daughter does to me. Well, that's the homesickness cured.

-Come in, come in, come in.

-Mary Christine, nice to meet you.

-How are you?

-Hello, I'm Russell, Russell Kane.

-Good afternoon.

Hello, I'm Russell. Nice to meet you.

HE CHUCKLES

Right, come on, let's have a chat.

Am I OK to sit here?

-Yeah.

-Wonderful.

Just so people know how it works, the baby is born,

and at six weeks is the first test.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Then at six months, is that right?

-Yeah.

-And then, hopefully, they do the second test of the baby,

hopefully still negative HIV status, and the final test is at 18 months,

the final treatment and test,

-we find out once and for all...

-Yeah.

..if Richard has escaped this HIV.

-Yeah.

-And that's what you find out today.

-Yeah.

-We're here for that day.

-Yeah.

-How are you feeling?

I'm OK, I'm fine.

And I'm happy to meet you.

You're more empowered than me, I'm the nervous one!

Right.

Which way is it, is it this way?

-No, let's follow this way.

-I don't have a sense of direction!

-I'm emotionally literate, but I can't find my way around.

-OK.

It's a nightmare.

This is now the last test we are taking,

and it is now going to give us the status of the baby.

BABY CRIES

Aww, it's all done.

Naughty nurse, isn't she?

If it appears with two lines, it appears it is positive, yeah?

If it appears with one line, it appears that...

-It's negative.

-Yeah.

-How long does it normally take?

After ten to 15 minutes.

Right, crikey. Just got...

..a bizarre urge to fling it, fling it out of the window.

I sort of can't handle even knowing.

There's one bar there. Come on, just call it.

There's one bar. I can see one bar.

-Three minutes to go.

-(Oh, God.)

OK, you can now read the results.

It is negative!

It is negative.

Congratulations, and this is a good job.

-Keep it up.

-Congratulations. I'm so happy for you, I can't tell you.

-My heart was beating out my chest.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you to you, too.

-Congratulations to you, young man.

My heart was like...

thudding. Was your heart thudding like that?

-Yeah.

-It must have been.

Yeah.

My God, I'm so happy for you.

In two years, Comic Relief money has trained 40 mentor mothers

like Beatrice, and that means that children like Richard

get the chance to live a life free from HIV.

Just 20 quid can buy four months of support

for mums like Mary Christine.

Just think about that - all the loving care, support, education,

extending the reach of this amazing place, which has blown my mind.

20 quid for four months.

Please text, pick up your phone.

It turns out they're not just for selfies of your abdomen

to put on social media, you can do something amazing,

you could text 20 quid right now and donate. Please.

You can help mothers and children like Mary Christine and Richard.

My God! Poor Katy!

THEY LAUGH

Today, the convoy is negotiating 170km

through some of the most fertile farmlands of Kenya.

MUSIC: Doo-Wop (That Thing) by Lauryn Hill

The target is to get from Kisumu to the Ugandan border,

one of the busiest stretches of road in the whole of East Africa,

and then onto the town of Tororo by nightfall.

-We're heading for the equator now.

-Are we?

-Yeah. Very near it.

That's quite exciting. Have you crossed the equator before,

-been on the equator?

-Yeah. You don't know it's the equator, by the way,

except there's probably a big sign saying, "This is the equator."

We're going to pull into the left any second now, guys.

Roger, thank you.

So what I want to do is, I want to stand in the North

and wee into the South.

I want to urinate so that my body is in the northern hemisphere,

but my wee lands in a different part of the Earth.

Why? Men just always have to wee everywhere. It's like...

What, are you going to try and mark an entire hemisphere

as your turf by weeing on it?

And it turns out it's not just Russell

doing strange things with liquids here.

This side, north hemisphere, we can see it rotates clockwise.

No way is this going to work.

South, it is changed, anticlockwise.

I want to see this.

Remember the one about water flowing one way in

the northern hemisphere...

-So is this clockwise?

-Clockwise, yeah.

..and the other way in the South?

-That's mad!

-The level of magnetic force is completely different,

we've only trod, like, two metres.

To be honest, the other slight thing is that we checked where the equator

is, and it says that it's actually about 170 yards that way!

Whoa! I am so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Oh, dear. I hit about 20 of those yesterday.

-Oh, my God!

-It was just like a bomb.

-I missed that, what's happened?

-His truck has exploded!

-Is that your battery?

-Yeah, it has just exploded.

-Just like a bomb.

-What?!

-Boom!

After seven hours of progress on the open road...

Bloody hell, that is so over the top.

..the queue for the border is something else.

Are we in the queue?

Yeah.

What are you going to do if you have to spend the day in your car?

Actually just have to buy some Crunchies.

LAUGHTER

Some Crunchies!

Finally, they make it past the mayhem to reach the checkpoint.

Hey, Hugh, David, Reggie and Michaela, we have rejoined,

so the convoy is rejoined.

-Oh, man, that was stressful, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

# Uganda, Uganda, here we come! #

-Let's go.

-Let's go.

-How are you?

-Fine, thank you.

-Good.

-He's quite serious, so this is not the banter window.

Do I smile or neutral face?

-Smile.

-Cool.

This is my Ugandan smile.

I feel like we've just been driving, which is, you know, it's a convoy,

-that's the point, but I'm almost like...

-"We"?

"We've" just been driving?

-You know, we've just been...

-Who's this "We"?

OK, we've just been in a car, OK?

Yeah, that's better.

Tomorrow it's a short drive to do something that we came here to do...

-Exactly.

-..which is deliver bikes, which is going to be amazing.

Yeah, really amazing.

And the truck is right in my rear-view, which is great.

With trucks in tow, ten hours after they left,

the convoy finally arrives in Tororo.

You all right, you hanging in there, Hugh?

Yeah, I'm fine. We're here.

-We made it.

-Wherever "here" is, we're here.

11 hours. I'm knackered. Are you knackered?

-Hi!

-Hello!

I'm just not used to getting up at five. The driving is insane.

Trying to follow the trucks, the crazy roads,

and then you stop...

..and you have this ludicrously intense emotional experience.

I'm usually quite calm when I'm driving.

Even if something...

frightening is happening, I have a kind of... I'm a silent screamer,

and I've never driven anywhere that, like,

literally four-year-old children kind of wander about

and weave between the traffic.

In short...

probably in the top five most intense experiences of my life.

MUSIC: Crawl by Gabriel Garzon-Montano

THEY SING ALONG

Today, 500km after the last delivery,

they're about to make their second drop - the bikes.

We're not just visiting something

going, "Oh, look how wonderful Comic Relief is."

We're actually delivering supplies like we did in Kibera,

-which is really satisfying.

-Yeah.

This is Tororo District.

Rural farming country.

Off the main road, villages are spread out,

joined together by rough dirt pathways.

Here, bikes are invaluable -

but they're in short supply.

-How are you on a bike?

-I'm brilliant on a bike.

-I'm a cyclist, mate.

-Oh, yeah, so you ride around London?

-You are dealing with a real G. I'm a pro.

-Really?

-I AM a cyclist.

The bikes are being delivered to a Comic Relief funded organisation,

Kadama Widows Association.

Look, look, they're dancing to welcome us.

And they've arranged a traditional local greeting.

THEY SING AND DRUM

They love you! They love you, Russell!

The bikes are going to volunteer community workers

trained with the help of Comic Relief money.

They look after more than 10,000 families in the area.

Careful, Lucy.

If you touch me, you'll reignite me, baby girl!

Executive director Lucy Athieno is in charge.

Thank you very much for coming.

-You are very welcome.

-Thanks for inviting us.

The people are right there. They are very excited,

-waiting for the bicycles.

-Hello! Hi!

-So these are the guys that are going to get the bicycles?

-Yes.

-Fantastic.

-Hello!

THEY ULULATE

We have bikes.

Amazing.

-Tabatha.

-Tabatha!

From delivery vehicles to taxis, and even as ambulances,

these bikes are far more than just a way of getting around.

Volunteer community worker Beatrice looks after 64 families,

some of them as far as 25km from her home.

-Lovely to meet you.

-Who do you tend to work with?

If you don't mind, is it possible to

maybe spend the rest of the day with you?

-Would that be all right?

-Yes, it's OK.

-You got a bike, right?

-Yes.

-Yeah, OK, so maybe we'll ride with you a little bit. Who knows?

-Are you good? Are you a good rider?

-Yes. You cannot beat me!

-OK!

I'll show you.

# Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle... #

Leaving Russell in charge...

That's what I'm talking about.

-See you at eight.

-HE ULULATES

..Reggie and Michaela head off to see the difference

a bike will make to Beatrice's life.

-# I want to ride my bicycle... #

-Start on this foot.

-Start with this foot.

-Oh, this one?

-Yeah.

-Go. There we go. There we go.

-Whoo!

-Yay!

-Oh, God, I've got to catch up.

-Come on!

-Come on, Beatrice. Let's do it.

# I want to ride my bicycle... #

Until now, Beatrice made this four-hour journey

every other day by foot.

-Beatrice, you can slow down now.

-BELL RINGS

Slow down, Beatrice!

For the last three years,

she's been supporting a family of children living alone

since the death of their mother.

Jambo, hello. She's taking care of that one.

We have Josephine, I have Dominique, then I have Susan.

Hello, Susan. Susan here is in charge of all of her siblings.

-She's the eldest.

-Yes.

Are we actually stood in front of home?

Is this is where they live?

-This is where they live.

-Can we see?

-Yes.

-THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

-Thank you.

-Beatrice, is this is where they would sleep?

-Yes.

-What's that?

-It's a book. It's like maths.

So Susan ensures that they go to school everyday.

Yes. They go to school.

SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

They've got a proper bed, but they're not sleeping on it.

No, they don't sleep there. For them, they sleep here.

Right.

So she's been looking after her siblings for three years alone?

-Yes.

-And she's 15?

Mm, she's 15.

That's a lot for a 15-year-old, isn't it?

-12-year-old then.

-Yeah... Yeah.

12, starting then. Wow.

Susan and Florence have had to learn to grow what they can to survive.

Is that right?

No? What's wrong with the way I'm doing it?

When they need help, Beatrice is there to buy them seeds.

OK, then a space. OK.

She's there to watch over them.

And she's there to give them support and counselling.

I like this.

-I think Beatrice is incredible.

-Yeah.

The time that she takes and invests into this family,

and she's got three kids of her own, is mad.

The thing that I think will stay with me from today

is the fact that if every one of those bicycles

represents a Beatrice,

you can only imagine how many people are being helped

and, believe it or not, it only takes 50 quid

to train a Beatrice, right?

So you guys can actually help.

All that you need to do is get involved

and give, and there's two lots of money

-that you can send right now, right?

-Yes, it's ten or 20 quid.

That's it.

So all you need to do is use that number on the screen right

now and it will definitely help.

-Three of you - that's your mum, your mate, your uncle...

-Yeah.

..and she's trained. That's another trained Beatrice.

That's maths.

LAUGHTER

High five. Don't be shy.

She's so chill.

Beatrice, thank you. Can I have a cuddle?

-Yeah.

-Can I have a cuddle?

LAUGHTER

Wow!

It is a wonderful day to me.

-It is a wonderful day for us to have met you.

-Yes.

-Thank you so much, OK?

-Yes.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye.

Go on, Susan.

-She can do it!

-She's gone.

Whilst Michaela and Reggie have been delivering the bikes,

David and Hugh have gone 60km ahead to St Joseph Nagongera Primary,

the location of tomorrow's final delivery, the mosquito nets.

ALL CLAP IN TIME

Oh, wow, look. Oh, my goodness!

The school is at the heart of a community

hard hit by Africa's biggest killer - malaria.

-How long is this going to go on for?

-I don't know!

-When do we stop? I don't know.

-Thank you very much.

-Hello.

-Oh, that's how you do it.

-Are you John?

-I'm John Charles.

Hello, I'm David. Very nice to meet you.

-How are you?

-Quite fine.

-Excellent.

John Charles was born nearby and has been a teacher for 30 years.

Explain to us some of the problems with running this school.

What problems do you face?

The answer is so simple, isn't it?

Which is to get a net.

Yeah. In fact, nets are very expensive.

Are they? How much does a net cost?

A net should be about 30,000.

-That's, like,

-7. About 7.

That's expensive. For here, that's expensive, isn't it?

Very expensive. Most people are poor.

-Yes.

-And that's why most people die.

-Yes, of course.

And that's what tomorrow's delivery should change.

By giving each of the 1,000 students and their families

all the nets they need.

-Quite a lot of tricks coming on there.

-Yeah.

Hugh! Hugh, knock it!

-Where are you?!

-Knock it!

Oh, he's got it again!

Beautiful, beautiful. He's still got it, he's still got it.

-Carry on being the dinosaur.

-OK, here we go.

-Dinosaur.

Argh!

LAUGHTER

HE SCREECHES

The figures around malaria are terrifying.

The disease kills more than 1,000 people in Africa every day.

One child dies every two minutes.

In the garden of his home,

John Charles shows how malaria has devastated his own family.

-OK.

-So who is buried here?

This is my child.

How old was she?

-By then, she was two years old.

-OK.

OK.

This is my mother's grave.

-OK.

-Died of malaria.

This was my child's grave.

Also died when she was at nursery school.

This is another child of mine who died.

-Wow.

-So four children have died of malaria?

Four children. One, two, three...four.

-I'm sorry.

-Hmm.

HE SOBS

OK.

It is all as a result of malaria.

Yeah. That's why we need the nets.

Yeah.

Mother, child, child, child,

another child over there.

These are the family members that John Charles has lost to malaria.

With your help, he and everyone else

who lives in this area might not lose any more, so please give.

Just £10 will buy four mosquito nets

which could protect a whole family

from this terrible disease.

Please give what you can.

-Do you want me to drive?

-I'm OK.

It's our last day. I think it might be the most exciting day yet.

With just one truck remaining,

the Red Nose convoy's mission is almost at an end.

After 700km from Nairobi, through the Great Rift Valley,

over the Western Highlands

and across the border,

they are heading for their final stop of Nagongera in eastern Uganda.

Only the mosquito nets are left

and in this part of the world,

they are essential.

Right, so I am buzzing today, Katy.

We are delivering malaria nets.

I think "buzzing" is the operative word.

It is. We're going to stop buzzing,

and it's perhaps the simplest bit of equipment that we've delivered.

With 8,000 nets on the truck,

there are enough not only for every child,

teacher and their families at the school,

but for thousands more in the community too.

-Hello. Nice to see you. How are you?

-This is Michaela, this is Reg.

I've heard a lot about you, John. Pleasure to meet you, sir.

How are you doing? Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Stella Bakeera from Malaria Consortium

is in charge of distribution.

Now, what's going to happen,

we are going to ask all the people where they registered

to go to their particular villages.

If you came from...

Each village in the school's catchment area

has a desk and a register to make sure every family receives

the correct number of nets.

This huge consignment will serve 12 different communities.

Is it really heavy? You look really out of breath.

Someone help me!

You'd think they'd be quite light, mosquito nets,

but not when they come in a thousand per packet.

Quite sweaty.

I've decided to help out on the desk

with the biggest village coming through it

and at the moment, this queue just doesn't seem to be shrinking.

It's getting bigger and bigger but I'm kind of glad I'm on this desk

because if my little counting and hand-out part of this operation

is actually worth anything,

I'm proud to be a part of it, to be honest.

You were first in the queue. Very British.

Very British!

Where has everybody else gone?

With the heavy lifting?

Since Comic Relief began,

your money has helped distribute

more than 4 million nets across Africa.

Mamma, give me some fist.

-Yes.

-High five. Let's get you a net.

It's been my pleasure as area manager to assist you.

-Can I have a net?

-You can't have a net.

-Why?

-Because there will be people who want a net

and they haven't got a net, and you haven't got a ticket.

-Where is your ticket?

-Here is my ticket.

-That's not a ticket.

That's a wrapper from a water bottle. That's not a ticket.

-Go away.

-OK, I promise you, my name's on the list,

-if you just check it.

-Why is your name on the list?

You live in Hampstead.

In my country, in London, now, it's snowing.

You know snow? Snow.

There's no malaria in Hampstead.

There's ponds in Hampstead.

Ponds, there are - not malarial ponds.

-Are they not?

-Men swim in the swimming ponds.

Yeah, that's why they are filthy.

Don't come back.

-Off you go.

-It's unbelievable.

Thank you.

There's something really special about the simplicity of today,

to place the nets into the hands of the people that need them most.

-No problem.

-Thank you.

-Take care.

It's huge for me.

-OK, take it. You have it?

-OK.

-All right.

I think it's incredible that we've just given out mosquito nets

and I like to think that's like, I don't know,

some amount of kids passing their exams

because they didn't get malaria

and they were able to go to school every day.

It's just rudimentary for them.

It's like, great, we've got this now, give it to me,

now I'll move on and I'll try and save my children.

Next time I'm whingeing because my skinny latte isn't warm enough,

I think a little voice will go, "Shut up, you snivelling idiot."

-Come on, let's have a really embarrassing group hug.

-Yeah!

There we go.

-Well done.

-This is too close.

I don't like it, I don't like it!

It's been an incredible journey...

Slowly, slowly...

..from meeting midwifes delivering babies in Kibera,

to the mentor mothers giving support to women living with HIV...

Yes!

..and to the amazing community workers

who can now help more people more often.

-Beatrice, you can slow down now.

-BELL RINGS

After six days and 700km,

they've finally completed all the deliveries.

Ohh!

Bikes, beds and nets.

The Red Nose convoy has delivered the lot, and that is thanks to you,

but Red Nose Day money helps those that need it most

in countless other ways too, not just here in Africa, also in the UK.

So if you've got a few quid to spare

and you want to make the next Red Nose delivery as life-changing

as this one has been,

do please donate, and the details on how you can do that are below.

Thank you.

One, two, three...

ALL SIGH

I feel like a flower.

It's got multiple purposes.

You can pretend it's a red nose,

be like a boxer.