Red Nose Day Comic Relief


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Red Nose Day

Comic Relief presents a night of comedy, with sketches, surprises, skits and all-round silliness to raise money to allow the charity to carry out its vital work.


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Welcome to another grey day in London town. Don't worry, it's Red

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Nose Day. # It's time to bring

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the goofballs out # We're here to persuade

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you not to go out on the lash # Chill out,

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relax and give some cash # And rounded up the talent

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who had sod all else to do # So we jumped into our cars

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and now we're here at the O2 MUSIC CHANGES TO

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"GANGNAM STYLE" BY PSY # You won't believe

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that we all showed up # To fill your cup

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with Red Nose glee Ladies and gentlemen,

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this is Red Nose Day 2017. Please welcome Jonathan Ross

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and Sir Lenny Henry. Welcome to the only show

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in the world that needs a government health warning ? yes,

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we are live, yes, we are dangerous and yes, if rehearsals

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are anything to go by, we are going to get

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in trouble with the BBC! But what the heck ? it'll be worth

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the ban if we can raise Are you with me?

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As for that opening, how annoyed would you be

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when you heard the traffic report? "There are severe tailbacks

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at Junction 11 on the M4, owing to a spillage of annoyingly

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upbeat musical theatre graduates We're live from Building Six

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at the O2 ? yes, we've not even been we've been kicked out

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of buildings one to five. Now, Lenny, I don't think anyone

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will disagree with me when I say that you are the Daddy

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of Red Nose Day, which, I suppose by default,

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makes me the Mummy of And technically, that means this lot

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must be our Comic Relief offspring. Ladies and gentlemen,

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meet the kids, starting with... And we give you an actor,

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a presenter, a writer and director. You can't put this guy in a box,

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because it's considered "cruel". Do you want to explain to everyone

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why you're holding a towel, I was told tonight that

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I'd be hosting my very own portion of Red Nose Day,

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which I was told would be And from one impressive package

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to another, here's a look Coming up:

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Take That and James Corden on Carpool Karaoke. Find out what

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happened in the return of Love actually. Jeremy Kyle faces his

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toughest guest, Jeremy Kyle. Shut up! Ed Sheeran gets the treatment.

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Come on, I said a little bit of the guitar. Stop getting carried away.

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Stars join Graham Norton on his biggest ever so far. Russell Brand

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will bring you the best stand-up comedy. And Noel Fielding and

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Jonathan Ross guide you through Comic Relief's most fantastic beats.

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All this and more on tonight's Comic Relief.

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Vic and Bob, French and Saunders, Joel Dommett. Rag'n'Bone Man. Global

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megastar, the one and only Ed Sheeran.

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You went from "global megastar, Ed" to "and Miranda Hart"?

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Sorry - first lady of comedy and queen of all our hearts.

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Right, Comic Relief hosts, studio audience, audience at home,

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Tonight, I intend to serve as your, what I call, "roaming host".

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I wish to make sure you're all fed, watered, relaxed, comfy, energized.

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Now, come with me as I roam hither, and thank goodness I did

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hither roam, for look, it's the Richard Osman!

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Tall, pointless Richard Osman, what's going on here, please?

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Tonight, Miranda, in honour of Comic Relief's long

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history with baked goods, I'll be running

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It's an online poll to find out once and for all,

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Voting will continue throughout the night. Exciting times.

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Until then, have a nibble on me, by which I mean take a custard

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I meant one custard cream, not the plate.

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There might be somebody else -- summit else who wants something off

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my trolley. Do you want something from the

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trolley? No. They look awful. Try one.

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Now, let me ask you, with the utmost love,

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Well, all evening, I'm going to be putting in a shift and working

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at the local pizza joint for the whole evening.

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And get this, I'll be sharing the experience with the tour de

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He's firing up the ovens, God help us.

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Get back here soon. Look at all these people! We are going under.

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Get back here. Get back! We'll see how you're

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getting on later. In three minutes, it's James Corden

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in Carpool Karaoke, but first, time to remind ourselves

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what tonight is all about - making miracles happen

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with a bit of cash. He is suffering with

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severe malnutrition. # Could you take care

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his life is in danger. He's got chubby cheeks,

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and every chance of a And that's thanks to you,

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the money you raised to help These are packed full

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of nutrients and are amazing for malnourished

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children like Divine. They're very often the difference

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between life and death. Really - that's the truth of it -

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donations tonight can really be the difference

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between life and death. And your money is needed now more

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than ever, because of course sadly over the last few weeks,

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we've been getting some dreadful news from East Africa,

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where famine is spreading. And this has been a sad we get home.

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We send love and thoughts to those affected by events in Westminster on

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Tuesday. Tonight is an opportunity to save lives. Your generosity, year

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after year, proves how much more there is that unites us than divides

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us. Every donation is a good deed. It's our first amazing

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Comic Relief Special of the night - with James Corden and

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special guests Take That! I thought we were going to drive

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around, have some fun. I don't care if he's sleep,

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go and wake him up! Take That, Carpool Karaoke

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for Comic Relief. # I don't know

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what you're waiting for # Your time is coming,

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don't be late, hey, hey # So, come on, see the light

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on your face # Let it shine,

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just let it shi-i-ine. This is the first time I've spent

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any real time with you as a three. I figured out that if I leave,

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I think Gary and Mark If you leave, Howard,

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it's Robson and Jerome. to be here now in this

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car is unreal for me. # Today this could be

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the greatest day of our lives... # And the world comes alive, oh, oh,

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oh # Watch the world come alive

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tonight How has touring changed now compared

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to what it was like in the '90s? I don't know what it's

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like for you guys, but sometimes, You've got families,

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you've got a home life. We're meeting people

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before you go on. Sometimes, I can't wait to get

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on there for a bit of peace. Because it's two

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hours when no one... It's two hours where I put my ears

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in and it's just me, my brothers and the audience,

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and it's brilliant. I almost don't want to come off,

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because I know I'm going back They're the same people,

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but they're all older. So where they used to throw

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bras and underwear, now, Well, it used to be teddies

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we used to get thrown. Do you have a creche,

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a Take That creche? That would be a real

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moneyspinner, I think. Everything Changes

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During The Menopause. # As I looked away,

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I saw a face behind you. # And when I looked again,

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I saw his face was shining. I thought of a quiz

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that you could play. So you pick one and leave

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one, which of the two? When was the last time

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you had a full English? The problem with me is,

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if I start eating food like that, I keep this photo of you, Howard,

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in the car at all times. I keep it in the car

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at all times, just for me. LAUGHTER

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Just for me! I'd have lights on, though,

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with that body, wouldn't you? With that body, my lights

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would be on all the time. # As hot as the sun,

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as hard as a stone. Howard's dreads, or

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Gary's bleached hair? I stayed at his mansion,

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And because I was staying there and I had my dreadlocks, he put

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# Never forget where you're coming from.

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# Someday soon, this will all be someone else's dream.

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Well done lads, fantastic, it was great, wasn't it?

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Stay tuned for part two, where we'll find out if James can

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help the boys to finally crack America.

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Tonight, we're committed to changing lives right here in the UK, so

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here's a film about an amazing little girl called Becca.

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This is Becca, and her good friend, Izzy. They are both nine years old

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and about to start their day. Good morning. Here's your codeine and cup

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of tea. Thank you. They lived in the same neighbourhood and are in the

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same class at school, but they lead two very different lives, because

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Becca is a young carer who looks after her mum. My mum has a lot of

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pain and she doesn't really want to move when it's hurting. Becca's mum

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condition means she can't do the things most mothers can and some

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days she is physically unable to look after herself, so Becca has to

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step in. You're welcome. Have a good swimmer.

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It's hard sometimes because you've got more responsibilities than other

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kids. It's been a long day for Becca and she has to do it all again in

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the morning. But just around the corner there is an amazing project

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funded by Comic Relief that's making a big difference. It gives children

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like Becca a break from their huge responsibility at home and a chance

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to have fun with other young carers. Shouldering the responsibility of

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looking after someone you love can be hard for anyone, but for a child

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it can be too much to bear. Sometimes I can't help my mum

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because she's very hurting. I calm her down if she's upset.

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Young carers, just like Becca, desperately need a bit of support.

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You can help them tonight. Please call...

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And tonight, you can actually help and support them,

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100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief. You must be 16 or over

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please asked the Bill Pryor's permission. For more information, go

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to the website. And that website is also where you can donate online.

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And let's talk about Gift Aid, if you make a donation there is an

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extra 25% on top at no extra cost to you. So when you are asked, please

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say yes because this is a night when every penny makes a huge difference.

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Now time to check in with the kitchen nightmare and Joe Lycett.

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Hello, welcome back to Pizza Express! Pizza Express, if you're

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not familiar... Look, actual customers here. It sort of like

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Pizza Hut but the customers here have jobs. These actual people are

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here to give money for Comic Relief. I'm the maitre d' and these people

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are eating and dining. This is Sue, hello. Sue is going to give me ?5

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for a selfie, that's what she thinks I'm worth. He is a ?5. Do you want

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to take the selfie? And, I'm not doing this on my own, I

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have two friends to help me. In the kitchen I have head chef Micky

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Flanagan is here and on deserts Valerie from Blake. What's going on

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here? I've been making my source all day long. It would be wrong of you

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not to. Am I going to lick the sauce off your fingers? Is it good? Please

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donate to Comic Relief. Whatever got tonight? A Cockney special. What the

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neck? Elk and eels. What is an elk? Basically a big winkle. I'll have a

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few to go, please. They are on the demise, the elk. Val from Bake Off

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is here. You are an amazing chef and every time you are on television

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people say I look like you. Do you think is right, Micky, do you think

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we look similar? I think she is much better looking to be honest! People

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also say I look like Theresa May, based on these pictures. I'm not

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sure that's fair, really! Do I look like Theresa May? Love it! What are

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you making? I'm making a Friday Outrageous. What's in that? That was

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impressive. Brownie, millionaire shortcake and then ice cream on top.

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And it will look like this. I love it. With a red nose on top! We also

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have a VIP area over here. This VIP area will have some very important

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people in it, some celebrity guests. They are not here yet but it will be

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very good. It's all to raise money out here. Out here... Look at me,

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I'm here. In this bucket we will put all the donations in and try to get

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as much money from these people in this restaurant. So it's all going

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to go in there and we will do a count at the end of the evening. I'm

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not eating bread so I am going to have some sushi. CHEERING AND

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APPLAUSE Nice, thanks.

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Over the years, all you fabulous schools have raised quite

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a phenomenal amount for Red Nose Day, and 2017

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This year you guys are on track to raise ?5.5 million!

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Tonight, we'd like to say an extra special thank you to one school

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in particular who've gone above and beyond.

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I give you the students of St Nicholas Grammar

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Really good.

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Fantastic. What's your name? Misha. What have you been doing to raise

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money for Comic Relief? Basically I baked loads of red nose and Day

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cakes and sold them at school. ?205. Brilliant, thank you. What's your

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name and how have you been fundraising quest might I am Jamie

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and I sat in a bath of baked beans in the middle of the school. People

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supported me for how many hours I lasted. How long did you last? Five

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minutes. Six hours. Amazing. Easy. How much did you raise? ?373. Lame.

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Hello there. Are you excited to be

:29:10.:29:14.

here on Red Nose Day These are just randoms

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who smell like baked beans. That's because they've all been

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doing their bit for charity. They'd said I'd meet famous

:29:33.:29:35.

people if I came here. Comic Relief

:29:36.:29:51.

isn't about getting on the telly That's handy, cos there

:29:52.:30:09.

ain't no-one famous here. Listen, I'm sure you think you're

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really funny, but everyone's here because they care about others

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less well off and want to do their little bit

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to make a difference. You have contributed zero,

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helped no-one, and done nothing. And what's more, the whole country

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has been watching you. What have you got to save yourself?

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-- say for yourself? Look at my face, are you looking at

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my face? Is any part of it bovvered? Look, face. I'm live on TV, I don't

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care, not bovvered. Ed Sheeran, baked beans, shave your head, I

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don't care, I ain't bovvered. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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You've been in Harry Potter, isn't it?

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More of the boys coming up, plus we've also got Alan Partridge,

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Peter Kay, Russell Brand, People Just Do Nothing,

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Philomena Cunk, Toast Of London, Mrs Brown, Smack The Pony,

:32:03.:32:04.

David Walliams, This Country, Frankie Boyle, Vic and Bob,

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French and Saunders, Planet Earth, Graham Norton,

:32:07.:32:08.

Greg Davies and part two of Carpool Karaoke.

:32:09.:32:10.

And of course, not forgetting our feature presentation ? the return

:32:11.:32:12.

of one of the world's best-loved romantic comedies.

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It's been 13 years in the making and I'm so excited to say,

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# At last # My love has come along. #

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We'll do some of the song, you sing one and then I sing one, OK?

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# Will be loving you till we're 70 # And baby my heart...#

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It's been just over three years since the outbreak of Ebola killed

:33:48.:33:50.

There aren't any live cases of it here now, but you still come

:33:51.:34:00.

across the after-effects of it everywhere.

:34:01.:34:02.

When was the last time you went to school?

:34:03.:34:39.

I think that's going to happen, you got a beautiful voice.

:34:40.:34:51.

The thing stopping her getting her dreams is coming you know,

:34:52.:34:53.

The last thing I always wanted this trip to be was to

:34:54.:35:46.

be the celebrity that comes over to Africa,

:35:47.:35:48.

and cries on TV and says, send your money over.

:35:49.:35:53.

I really wanted to come and like, be like

:35:54.:35:55.

everything is positive, everything is great, and then...

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I don't know, I was just singing with that girl,

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and she was all really smiling, and then she just started crying.

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And she just got really choked up about it.

:36:04.:36:22.

You know, I watch Comic Relief every single

:36:23.:36:24.

year, and this is always what celebrities do,

:36:25.:36:26.

and I always think, is it ready that bad?

:36:27.:36:30.

That's just one story, and she's the one girl that

:36:31.:36:49.

came up to talk to us and was smiley

:36:50.:36:51.

came up to talk to us and there's so many kids out

:36:52.:36:52.

here who we tried to speak to, but just shut off.

:36:53.:36:55.

And if she is the most smiley one, God knows what else

:36:56.:36:58.

But here's the really important thing.

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To get a little girl like Peaches back into school

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for a whole year only costs 45 quid, so please give what you can.

:37:04.:37:06.

You can really completely change lives tonight.

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I'm so proud of Ed going out there - and what an amazing little

:37:09.:37:12.

Please - all you need to do to change someone's life to give

:37:13.:37:16.

And now, to perform a track off his new album, which literally

:37:17.:37:36.

could be the Comic Relief anthem, it's Ed Sheeran himself

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While you are watching, pick up the phone and donate anything you can.

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# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon

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# But God gave me a stage, a guitar and a song

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# My daddy told me, "Son, don't you get involved in

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# Politics, religions, other people's quarrels."

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# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

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# I know when I have children they will know what it means

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# Just love and understanding, positivity

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# We could change this whole world with a piano

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# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

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# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

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# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

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# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

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# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

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# Saying love could change the world in a moment

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# Love can change the world in a moment

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# Love can change the world in a moment

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# The revolution's coming, it's a minute away

:38:58.:39:00.

# I saw people marching in the streets today

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# You know we are made up of love and hate

:39:05.:39:08.

# But both of them are balanced on a razor blade

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# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

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# I know, I'm all for people following their dreams

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# Just re-remember life is more than fittin' in your jeans

:39:18.:39:21.

# It's love and understanding, positivity

:39:22.:39:24.

# We could change this whole world with a piano

:39:25.:39:27.

# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

:39:28.:39:30.

# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

:39:31.:39:33.

# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

:39:34.:39:41.

# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

:39:42.:39:45.

# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

:39:46.:39:48.

# Saying love could change the world in a moment

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# Love can change the world in a moment

:39:51.:39:56.

# Love can change the world in a moment

:39:57.:40:05.

# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

:40:06.:40:08.

# You know, the future's in the hands of you and me

:40:09.:40:11.

# So let's all get together, we can all be free

:40:12.:40:15.

# Spread love and understanding, positivity

:40:16.:40:18.

# We could change this whole world with a piano

:40:19.:40:21.

# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

:40:22.:40:24.

# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

:40:25.:40:28.

# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

:40:29.:40:34.

# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

:40:35.:40:37.

# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

:40:38.:40:41.

# Saying love could change the world in a moment

:40:42.:40:44.

# Love can change the world in a moment

:40:45.:40:50.

# Love can change the world in a moment

:40:51.:40:57.

If you enjoyed that, you should check out some

:40:58.:41:24.

of his stuff online and maybe give it a like and who knows, one day

:41:25.:41:28.

And if you're craving more Ed Sheeran, remember,

:41:29.:41:32.

we still have his fantastic collaboration with

:41:33.:41:33.

How are you doing? He touched me. Hello. Lovely.

:41:34.:41:53.

I assume they explained the special Comic Relief

:41:54.:41:55.

rule ? silly tradition, really, don't know

:41:56.:41:56.

why it still exists - which demands that all musical acts

:41:57.:42:00.

must kiss, with passion and meaning, the tallest host.

:42:01.:42:16.

I've just remembered something, it is the tallest female host that gets

:42:17.:42:45.

the kiss, not... Richard Osman. Hello, and welcome to my special

:42:46.:42:57.

World Cup of Biscuits! 32 biscuits started this journey on

:42:58.:43:10.

Twitter. We have had 1.6 million votes already. People like biscuits.

:43:11.:43:15.

We now have our eight favourite and we will reveal the quarterfinals for

:43:16.:43:19.

you. It must be a privilege for you to be doing this. Rummage, watch how

:43:20.:43:24.

he does it because he is a professional. Reveal our first

:43:25.:43:29.

quarterfinal. Here goes. Jammie Dodgers. That is a big biscuit to

:43:30.:43:39.

start with. You are not having it. They promise a lot but they deliver

:43:40.:43:45.

very little. If you don't mind are not eating them for a fingers. That

:43:46.:43:54.

is my son's favourite biscuit. Take them home with you. That is our

:43:55.:44:00.

first quarterfinal. Our second quarterfinal. We have custard

:44:01.:44:12.

creams. Is there anything you are going to have, Lenny? We will wait

:44:13.:44:19.

and see but I am not having that. And custard creams will play

:44:20.:44:27.

chocolate bauble and biscuits. -- chocolate bauble is.

:44:28.:44:34.

I am sorry, I was kissing Ed Sheeran. We have done Jammie Dodgers

:44:35.:44:40.

against chocolate fingers and custard creams against chocolate

:44:41.:44:51.

bourbons. Chocolate hobnobs. And they are playing? A plane hobnobs. I

:44:52.:45:02.

would not want to be Mrs hobnob right now. Lenny, finally, we have

:45:03.:45:13.

chocolate digestive, classic. And who are they going to be playing?

:45:14.:45:17.

The chocolate digestive plays against the Jaffa cake. Wooded you

:45:18.:45:28.

do with my biscuit? I will cut you a nice slice of Jaffa cake. All of

:45:29.:45:33.

those quarterfinals are now live on Twitter. Forgive me, I know you are

:45:34.:45:40.

doing this at home as well. You can vote all evening in the semifinals

:45:41.:45:43.

and the final, revealing the winner later in the evening. Now, thank you

:45:44.:45:49.

to our friends at British Airways with Alexander Armstrong, a poor

:45:50.:45:51.

woman's Bradley Walsh. Since 2010 British Airways customers

:45:52.:46:01.

and staff have done a lot to improve the lives of vulnerable people in

:46:02.:46:04.

Africa and here in the UK. Today I am here to say a massive thank you

:46:05.:46:10.

and to give a little something back. You go and have a little break.

:46:11.:46:17.

Excuse me? Yes sir, how can I help. This is an emergency. An emergency,

:46:18.:46:26.

don't say you've been left home alone. He looks a little bit like...

:46:27.:46:32.

That my friend is London and today is Red Nose Day. Have you remembered

:46:33.:46:38.

your red nose? Did you forget to bring it? I think I've got a spare.

:46:39.:46:46.

Sorry. Would you like another one? I'll be fine.

:46:47.:46:59.

Don't know what his problem was... Anyway, about that massive BA thank

:47:00.:47:03.

you. Thank you! Thank you to all the staff

:47:04.:47:16.

and customers at British Airways I can reveal that this year,

:47:17.:47:24.

you've raised an incredible... Now it's time for a little

:47:25.:47:39.

treat from Radio 1's Just last week, they raised over

:47:40.:47:46.

?300,000 for Red Nose Day with their 24 Hour LOLathon

:47:47.:47:55.

and they're with us here tonight with the one

:47:56.:47:58.

and only Innuendo Bingo. Some people like an innuendo,

:47:59.:48:03.

some people don't. I like them. I like them as well but

:48:04.:48:08.

I find it hard to laugh when Scott Mills is ramming it

:48:09.:48:14.

down my throat. Hello, I'm Scott Mills

:48:15.:48:20.

and this is Innuendo Bingo. Getting wet for Comic Relief tonight

:48:21.:48:26.

is bingo veteran Chris Stark, who will tonight be going up

:48:27.:48:32.

against stand-up comedian and king DRAMATIC MUSIC this is Innuendo

:48:33.:48:52.

Bingo. Welcome to this first edition of

:48:53.:48:57.

Innuendo Bingo. Are you OK? I'm very excited. I love getting wet and I

:48:58.:49:05.

love innuendos. You get wet fast. If you are at home have not seen this

:49:06.:49:11.

before, this is what Chris and Joel are in for tonight.

:49:12.:49:17.

A lot of water. I was going to show your video but let's just get down

:49:18.:49:26.

to it. Who loves Innuendo Bingo? Let's do this!

:49:27.:49:29.

Here are the rules: You fill your mouths with water,

:49:30.:49:31.

I play you a clip spotted by one of our Radio 1 listeners and we'll

:49:32.:49:35.

For Comic Relief. First, five live. This is Phil Tufnell, who is listing

:49:36.:49:50.

cricket players and some of his favourite things. Rashid or Ali, I

:49:51.:50:02.

think Rashid, a bit of X Factor. And Broad, top-quality bowler, lot of

:50:03.:50:07.

quality and skill. I like Plunkett and... Nothing funnier than will it!

:50:08.:50:22.

Next it is time for Masterchef van der Wiel diesel of cooking, Greg

:50:23.:50:27.

Wallace. Greg is a great presenter but sometimes during the show his

:50:28.:50:31.

mind seems to wonder a little bit. I like the delicate look of your

:50:32.:50:35.

plate, I really do. I like your chlorate and love the taste of the

:50:36.:50:39.

morel mushrooms and love the natural saltiness... It's just missing

:50:40.:50:43.

possibly the most important part and that is the sauce that brings

:50:44.:50:50.

everything together. I'm desperate to dip that pork. LAUGHTER

:50:51.:50:57.

Greg Wallace, everybody. Oh wow, Masterchef.

:50:58.:51:07.

I'm desperate to dip that pork into something nice.

:51:08.:51:11.

OK, this has escalated rather quickly. More water please, lads.

:51:12.:51:19.

How much water? Now BBC breakfast and weather

:51:20.:51:23.

presenter, the lovely... What happened there? It went up my nose!

:51:24.:51:30.

Carol Kirkwood, we all love Carol Kirkwood but it seems here Carol is

:51:31.:51:35.

taking desperate measures to boost her media profile. What a great

:51:36.:51:41.

vantage point you've got there, Carol Have you had a chance to wave

:51:42.:51:45.

to people over the balcony question I've had my photo taken down below

:51:46.:51:50.

and treated. I've even had my photograph taken

:51:51.:51:56.

down below untreated. The lovely Carol Kirkwood. Joel

:51:57.:52:07.

Dommett! I'm a serious comedian! We have one more. Let's go for it,

:52:08.:52:13.

this is the last one. We are going over to history today on Radio 4 and

:52:14.:52:17.

they are having a fascinating feature about what people did for

:52:18.:52:28.

fun... I'm going to immediately regret that decision! Sorry.

:52:29.:52:34.

Here we go, Radio 4... This is what people did before the Internet came

:52:35.:52:40.

along. Where somebody tethers de Kock to

:52:41.:52:47.

the ground and people getting a baton and they throw a baton at the

:52:48.:52:53.

clock and stun it so it can't get up... Guys... There's more, more.

:52:54.:53:06.

That's not the end of the clip. It's a charity, Scott come on, let's go.

:53:07.:53:16.

I love water. And then you run up and try to get

:53:17.:53:24.

the Cockrell into your own hands... That's it, thank you very much, I

:53:25.:53:32.

hope you all enjoyed the game. Have a good evening. I'm Scott Mills.

:53:33.:53:35.

Thank you to Joel Dommett and Chris Stark. This has been Innuendo Bingo

:53:36.:53:39.

for Comic Relief! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:53:40.:53:42.

I need another T-shirt! Your money has been hard at work

:53:43.:53:56.

across the UK. It finds people whose lives are really hard and tries to

:53:57.:54:01.

help. You've provided comfort to families experiencing grief. Zara's

:54:02.:54:06.

husband Lee took his own life after a struggle with depression. I felt

:54:07.:54:11.

like I'd been crushed. The shop, it takes the breath out of you. When

:54:12.:54:18.

the charity got involved it was like, there's still hope. There are

:54:19.:54:22.

people here to help. You've given relief to people in

:54:23.:54:27.

pain. Cass started self harming when she was 11. It got to the point

:54:28.:54:32.

where I was nearly suicidal. I got to the point where I was like

:54:33.:54:36.

I need help now. I don't know if I'd Still be here without the wish

:54:37.:54:40.

Centre. You ensure young carers get a break

:54:41.:54:43.

from their responsibilities. Becca has been carer should she was five.

:54:44.:54:50.

Sometimes I can't help my mum because she's very hurting. I calm

:54:51.:54:58.

her down if she's upset. A project you fund means she can

:54:59.:55:01.

meet other young carers and have some time for herself. And give

:55:02.:55:10.

young people bright futures. David was on the streets as a young

:55:11.:55:13.

teenager. You know when you don't understand your emotions, it boils

:55:14.:55:18.

up? Now I feel I have a chance to really turn my life around.

:55:19.:55:22.

You've helped older people feel less alone, Derek who sadly let lost his

:55:23.:55:27.

wife to dementia last year. I felt absolutely empty. Now starts

:55:28.:55:33.

the lonely as part of my life. I was very pleased to find a place like

:55:34.:55:39.

the luncheon club and get over this fear of loneliness.

:55:40.:55:43.

You cash has reached over 12 million people in need across the UK,

:55:44.:55:48.

dealing with all sorts of tough things from depression to domestic

:55:49.:55:53.

violence, from young carers to older people. In the UK wherever you are

:55:54.:55:57.

you are likely to be within 20 miles of the nearest Comic Relief project.

:55:58.:56:00.

This is your opportunity to help people in your community, people who

:56:01.:56:04.

need your help right now. Your money can and will change lives. To

:56:05.:56:09.

give... I used to think about Comic Relief

:56:10.:56:17.

as mainly focusing on Africa, Your cash tonight will help hundreds

:56:18.:56:22.

of thousands of people leading really tough lives all over the UK -

:56:23.:56:29.

in fact, wherever you are, it's likely you're never

:56:30.:56:32.

more than 20 miles away Or you can give with

:56:33.:56:34.

a simple text message. You can also donate by cheque made

:56:35.:57:06.

payable to Red Nose Day 2017. And you can take your money to any bank,

:57:07.:57:10.

building society or post office. You have the power to change your life.

:57:11.:57:18.

Forget about Facebook, forget about tweeting how good-looking Warwick

:57:19.:57:20.

Davis is an Comic Relief. Donate right now.

:57:21.:57:23.

All right, coming up in just a bit, we've got Alan Partridge,

:57:24.:57:25.

But time now to go back to sunny Los Angeles for more Carpool Karaoke

:57:26.:57:32.

with four people who have supported Comic Relief for years and years,

:57:33.:57:35.

It's a shame James Corden doesn't drive a Delorean,

:57:36.:57:40.

they could go back in time and do it with Robbie like the old days.

:57:41.:57:43.

# Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup.

:57:44.:58:10.

# In the twist of separation, you excelled at being free.

:58:11.:58:20.

# Can't you find a little room inside for me?

:58:21.:58:27.

# Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

:58:28.:58:31.

# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good.

:58:32.:58:39.

# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it.

:58:40.:58:43.

# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good...

:58:44.:58:53.

Now, you guys have never tried to make it here,

:58:54.:58:56.

but was there ever a point where you thought about

:58:57.:58:58.

We had this hilarious meeting in London.

:58:59.:59:08.

These two guys from the New York record company flew in,

:59:09.:59:13.

and they literally spent an hour telling us, "We're going to do this,

:59:14.:59:16.

We'll go to Vegas and do this radio thing and then we'll hit them

:59:17.:59:22.

with marketing in New York and do all these chat shows..."

:59:23.:59:26.

And what do you think, after an hour, full on?

:59:27.:59:31.

The silence went down the line until it got to Howard.

:59:32.:59:33.

I think you've just got to get the word out.

:59:34.:59:52.

Will you listen to the music, and play it for friends?

:59:53.:00:04.

Tweet it, Instagram it, do the whole thing, OK?

:00:05.:00:10.

Your wives will love it, your kids will love it.

:00:11.:00:15.

What are you going to tell people, sir?

:00:16.:00:25.

Excuse me, gents, are you music fans?

:00:26.:00:36.

I feel like we've got the word out there.

:00:37.:01:02.

Are there any customers in there that are interested in new music?

:01:03.:01:26.

This is our first big store performance, OK?

:01:27.:01:33.

This is going back to the days of Woolworths and Our Price.

:01:34.:01:36.

This is the stuff that breaks people.

:01:37.:01:40.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Take That!

:01:41.:01:42.

Ladies and gentlemen, for their first performance

:01:43.:01:50.

as TT3 in Los Angeles, please welcome Take That!

:01:51.:02:13.

# When the time grew near for me to show my love.

:02:14.:02:19.

# Hiding from a word I need to hear now.

:02:20.:02:27.

# But the nights were always warm with you.

:02:28.:02:36.

# But the morning always comes too soon.

:02:37.:02:45.

# Hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday...

:02:46.:03:00.

Ladies and gentlemen, that was Take That!

:03:01.:03:07.

Tell your friends, tell your friends!

:03:08.:03:09.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!

:03:10.:03:12.

Tell you what, guys, it's small steps, but we're making inroads.

:03:13.:03:16.

Is there anything like us out here, James?

:03:17.:03:20.

Wow, I think you'll all agree there's nothing quite

:03:21.:03:34.

Just driving along in my car in La La Land. Not the film, that would be

:03:35.:04:01.

silly. I have no interest in jazz piano. I'm famous these days and

:04:02.:04:06.

glamorous but I still get lonely when I'm driving along in America.

:04:07.:04:10.

No, not yet, I haven't got that bit yet. I'm still driving. It would be

:04:11.:04:19.

very dangerous to... I wish I had a celebrity friend. All right, get in.

:04:20.:04:31.

Oh, God! It's very dangerous. And you are? Tonight, Matthew, I'm...

:04:32.:04:38.

Are you going anywhere near Port Talbot? You are Welsh? Yes. Are you

:04:39.:04:49.

Aled Jones? I'm Bonnie Tyler. Are you going to do the accent? You are

:04:50.:04:55.

doing very well for yourself, aren't you? Well, I have got a foot in

:04:56.:05:03.

America and a foot in England, and the world in between. I'm straddling

:05:04.:05:10.

the Atlantic at the moment, which is quite painful in these tight jeans.

:05:11.:05:17.

What are we doing? So, Bonnie Taylor, if you be she, let me tell

:05:18.:05:21.

you how this is going to work. I'm going to put on some music so that

:05:22.:05:27.

we can have some music in the car. If it's a song you know, singalong.

:05:28.:05:35.

# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely

:05:36.:05:38.

# Turnaround # Every now and then I get a little

:05:39.:05:44.

bit tired of listening to the sound # Every now and then I get a little

:05:45.:05:48.

bit nervous # Turnaround

:05:49.:05:54.

# Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the

:05:55.:05:58.

look in your eyes # Turnaround, bright eyes

:05:59.:06:08.

# Every now and then I fall apart # And I need you now to might

:06:09.:06:18.

# And I need you more than ever # If you'd only hold me tight, we'll

:06:19.:06:26.

be holding on forever # And will only be making it right

:06:27.:06:30.

# Because we'll never be wrong # Together we can take it to the end

:06:31.:06:40.

of the line # Always in the dark

:06:41.:06:48.

# I really need you tonight # For other's going to start tonight

:06:49.:06:57.

# Once upon a time I was falling in love

:06:58.:07:02.

# Now I'm always falling apart # There's nothing I can do

:07:03.:07:11.

# Total eclipse of the heart. # Get out. Thank you. Goodbye. What

:07:12.:07:20.

was that about. You can't do that. Lovely singing from French and

:07:21.:07:36.

Saunders. We are in Pizza Express and we are doing bread nosed a. We

:07:37.:07:42.

are in Pizza Express, and there are actual customers here, eating actual

:07:43.:07:52.

food, prepared by these guys. We are on top of it now. I have to ask,

:07:53.:07:58.

what has happened to your top? It is getting hot. If you can't stand the

:07:59.:08:05.

heat, make a crop top. It suits you. In the next link, will you be naked?

:08:06.:08:13.

Hopefully. Avoid the sausage. You seem panicked. It is too much for

:08:14.:08:22.

me. We have a VIP. You are joking! Not at all. It is only Pat Sharp.

:08:23.:08:28.

Actual Pat Sharp is here. Thank you for joining us in our VIP area.

:08:29.:08:35.

There are no VIPs. We asked Chico but he demanded a high fee. True

:08:36.:08:43.

story. Micky would like you to have a pizza for free, but there is a

:08:44.:08:47.

challenge. Micky will explain, in his lovely crop top. It is such a

:08:48.:08:53.

horrible image. You liar, you love it. The challenge is, if you drop

:08:54.:08:59.

it, you have to make a donation and eat it. If you catch it, we will

:09:00.:09:06.

make a donation. 20p. It is like a farmhouse game. One, two, three. He

:09:07.:09:18.

caught it. Pat Sharp! If you have donated, thank you. There is a video

:09:19.:09:21.

to thank you from some lovely people.

:09:22.:09:26.

I am at BT, where people man the phones, take donations and use

:09:27.:09:32.

technical prowess to make sure the hundreds of thousands of phone calls

:09:33.:09:36.

keep rolling in, not to mention all of the fundraising activities staff

:09:37.:09:38.

get involved with our pants down the country. Loving your work, guys. I

:09:39.:09:44.

have come here today to get hands-on with the team. This lot have got it

:09:45.:09:53.

all covered. They never miss a call, you know. Speaking of which...

:09:54.:09:59.

Hello, Comic Relief. How much would you like to donate? Hello. How much

:10:00.:10:07.

would you like to donate? Speak up. How much would you liked to donate.

:10:08.:10:12.

It must be you. Can you check the volume on your equipment. It is not

:10:13.:10:19.

a piece of equipment. I'm sorry. How much would you like to donate to

:10:20.:10:27.

Comic Relief? Nailed it. Just the thank you to go. That will come in

:10:28.:10:29.

handy. So a massive thank you to

:10:30.:10:36.

all of the staff at BT and to all of the volunteers tonight

:10:37.:10:45.

taking your calls. Do keep calling, because it

:10:46.:10:47.

changes people's lives. Your generosity year after year

:10:48.:10:49.

has been so amazing - and so this year, we sent two people

:10:50.:10:52.

who had given money to have a look at the kind of place

:10:53.:10:56.

the money could go. This is such an interesting film

:10:57.:10:58.

about a mother and daughter from Bradford and a remarkable

:10:59.:11:01.

grandmother and granddaughter This rubbish dump is where all

:11:02.:11:02.

of Nairobi's waste ends up. But as well as normal

:11:03.:11:14.

household rubbish, it's full of awful fumes,

:11:15.:11:20.

and chemical fires. And in and amongst all of that,

:11:21.:11:21.

there are families trying to earn It's here that we met Irene

:11:22.:11:25.

and her granddaughter, I've never seen anything

:11:26.:11:29.

like this, like, it is... It's a lot worse than

:11:30.:11:45.

I imagined it being like. You have to collect

:11:46.:11:49.

lots and lots of these? You know, she should be at home

:11:50.:11:59.

and her age, and taking it I couldn't imagine my

:12:00.:12:16.

mum having to do this. Before it got too dark, we had

:12:17.:12:27.

to leave this place because at So, we headed back to their house

:12:28.:12:31.

to spend the night. How many people altogether

:12:32.:12:37.

sleep in this bed? We soon found out that this

:12:38.:12:41.

was the first meal they'd And she's never going to know

:12:42.:12:48.

when she's going to I suppose that's

:12:49.:12:55.

what you've got to do. # Heads,

:12:56.:13:02.

shoulders, knees and toes, # And eyes and ears

:13:03.:13:11.

and mouth and nose... The next day we were up

:13:12.:13:18.

early to face another Who is going to look after the boys

:13:19.:13:20.

while you are down there? It's heartbreaking to think

:13:21.:13:40.

they are going to be And then, you'd be

:13:41.:13:42.

worrying about if they're going to wander off,

:13:43.:13:48.

if anybody is going to

:13:49.:13:49.

come and take them... As a parent, you keep your kids

:13:50.:13:51.

are safe as you can. It must be so hard for her,

:13:52.:13:54.

I don't know how she does it. Would you like to go

:13:55.:14:02.

to school instead of It'll be great if we

:14:03.:14:04.

could help her together. It costs just ?50 to get a girl

:14:05.:15:10.

like Lynette into school. don't put it off -

:15:11.:15:16.

don't make a cup of tea. If you've got any cash

:15:17.:15:22.

to spare, all you need to do Next up, she's responsible

:15:23.:15:25.

for the biggest comedy phenomenon of the millennium and Mrs Brown has

:15:26.:15:47.

put time aside to share a special We hope you're having a very special

:15:48.:15:50.

night over there in Red Nose land. It's all change over

:15:51.:16:00.

here in the house. We've a brand-new show, not

:16:01.:16:02.

something we thought we'd ever see, but there are many things in life

:16:03.:16:05.

that you don't often get to see, like grandad making it

:16:06.:16:08.

through another night. Or Winnie remembering

:16:09.:16:10.

what she came in for. But tonight, we'd like to share

:16:11.:16:12.

with you an exclusive cheeky,

:16:13.:16:14.

sneaky peeky clip from the pilot of our brand-new Saturday

:16:15.:16:16.

night extravaganza show. I don't know why they call it

:16:17.:16:21.

a pilot, there's certainly no Would you put "To Winnie,

:16:22.:16:23.

have a wonderful night". "It would be a pleasure

:16:24.:17:18.

to perform for you". "And when you call, talk slowly

:17:19.:17:20.

with a husky voice". Don't put your name

:17:21.:17:32.

on it, doesn't matter. That's where you get your

:17:33.:17:37.

good manners from, son. When you meet a lady,

:17:38.:17:47.

you say hello and give her a kiss. Before you go and sing your song,

:17:48.:17:52.

would you sing one of my favourites? It's by Tony Bennett,

:17:53.:18:11.

it's called Fly Me To The Moon. Would you mind me

:18:12.:18:14.

giving me a few bars? Ladies and gentlemen,

:18:15.:18:16.

Aston Merriweather rubber glove. # Let me see what spring

:18:17.:18:22.

is like on Jupiter and Mars. If you did, the best

:18:23.:18:59.

thing you can do tonight is to show your support by donating

:19:00.:19:11.

online at bbc.co.uk/rednoseday. Or pick up the phone

:19:12.:19:17.

and call 03457 910 910. And with a bit of luck,

:19:18.:19:22.

we can help change lives, OK, still to come,

:19:23.:19:27.

we have more from the genius-es-es that are French

:19:28.:19:52.

and Saunders, a visit from Toast

:19:53.:19:56.

of London and, of course, we have the highly anticipated

:19:57.:19:57.

Love Actually reunion. Love Actually was of

:19:58.:20:02.

course the story of this hilarious woman who falls

:20:03.:20:08.

madly in love with Mr Darcy and keeps a diary

:20:09.:20:11.

of all her escapades and has all these hilarious

:20:12.:20:13.

friends and she? That granny pants

:20:14.:20:14.

scene is brilliant. Some things that happen for the

:20:15.:21:06.

first time... # Seem to be happening again and so

:21:07.:21:24.

it seems that we have met before # And laughed before and loved

:21:25.:21:30.

before # But who knows where #.

:21:31.:21:39.

You see what I'm saying? Can't wait to see those

:21:40.:21:41.

iconic scenes from Of course I am. Do you know what I'm

:21:42.:21:43.

talking about? Of course I do. Now, it's Mother's Day on Sunday,

:21:44.:21:51.

so what better gift for Mum And you're having a great time?

:21:52.:22:09.

Great, yes. What's best bet? Travelling you in the car here.

:22:10.:22:10.

Rubbish. We're meeting loads of exciting

:22:11.:22:12.

people, like this guy. Hello, hello mate. See, having all

:22:13.:22:21.

sorts of banter? The good news is mum is going to be with me all

:22:22.:22:29.

night! OK, not like that. I thought you were sending me home early to

:22:30.:22:32.

watch that programme. You are supposed to read the joke of there!

:22:33.:22:35.

Eulas poster say Nope, you're giving me

:22:36.:22:38.

a lift home, remember? Plus, later on, we'll

:22:39.:22:42.

be playing Your Mum. oh, that's it? My programme is gone?

:22:43.:22:54.

You are not sticking to the autocue! So glad I got you on.

:22:55.:22:57.

You wouldn't understand, it's a young person thing.

:22:58.:22:59.

OK, Mum, time now for a really special treat from Norfolk's, sorry,

:23:00.:23:03.

North Norfolk's greatest export and broadcast legend.

:23:04.:23:05.

Absolutely! LAUGHTER Absolutely! LAUGHTER

:23:06.:23:35.

Hello, I'm Alan Partridge, and I love to laugh. That's why I've been

:23:36.:23:38.

happy to get involved with Comic Relief down the years. From this

:23:39.:23:44.

occasion when a hotly tipped young boxer thought he could have a dig at

:23:45.:23:49.

me. I waited until he looked the other way and, bang! And this

:23:50.:23:53.

occasion when I did what I can only describe was a bread sneeze.

:23:54.:23:58.

I'm so sorry! But this year the team at Comic

:23:59.:24:02.

Relief HQ called me with an even bigger proposal. They said Alan, we

:24:03.:24:06.

have a great idea, you in a hot air balloon shaped like a red nose,

:24:07.:24:11.

floating from London to Cornwall with Russell Howard on George

:24:12.:24:14.

Galloway. I said, I've got a better idea, I'll do a package of clips

:24:15.:24:19.

with a voice over. So join me as we enjoy some classic

:24:20.:24:24.

fund-raising moments in Alan Partridge's red nose strong cup --

:24:25.:24:34.

stonkers. This man is having his legs waxed, eight procedure

:24:35.:24:38.

traditionally associated with a woman. Come on, that's funny,

:24:39.:24:43.

surely? I only waxed myself smooth completely once in a school trip to

:24:44.:24:49.

Anglesey because a man told me to. Alan Partridge's Red Nose Day

:24:50.:24:54.

stonkers. Hang on, Giants playing guitars?

:24:55.:24:57.

Hang on, these are miniature guitars known as the ukeleles. This being

:24:58.:25:06.

the North of England where their diets tend to contain slightly less

:25:07.:25:10.

protein due to lower wages. If you're struggling to make up the

:25:11.:25:14.

comic angle, there's a red wig and a woman dressed as a car park

:25:15.:25:21.

attendant! There, really funny. Alan Partridge's stonkers.

:25:22.:25:27.

What the heck is going on? This is called gunging. Noel Edmonds has

:25:28.:25:31.

made a career from it although he keeps the recipe close to his chest,

:25:32.:25:35.

along with some of his tax arrangements.

:25:36.:25:42.

This is wonderful, beans in a bath. A real Comic Relief staple. A word

:25:43.:25:46.

of warning to anyone considering this, you will come out with a rash

:25:47.:25:51.

if you stay in them too long. Never, ever fall asleep in beans, it will

:25:52.:25:56.

stay on your skin to look what are very friend funny said to look like

:25:57.:26:09.

a woman's tan. I know people will grumble about hygiene because the

:26:10.:26:12.

beans have had a bath with a young man but I am sure that the young

:26:13.:26:19.

woman they'd pay extra! Chris Christoph isn't here, no

:26:20.:26:23.

relation... And he's off! Up, up, up. Of course, the inflatable slack

:26:24.:26:33.

in the ball was made with a pig's blatter but now they've been

:26:34.:26:39.

replaced with Robert -- robber inner tubes. Not that anyone eats them,

:26:40.:26:44.

not even the Chinese! We should send a view to Eamonn Holmes, fried up, a

:26:45.:26:50.

bit of ketchup. What are we missing quest me, me, me. Right foot... Put

:26:51.:27:00.

him off! Brilliant, classic. And with that it's back to the comedian.

:27:01.:27:05.

Bye-bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:27:06.:27:08.

Alan Partridge there, a great broadcaster still in his prime.

:27:09.:27:10.

Now, here's a little film from someone who has been

:27:11.:27:13.

with Comic Relief from the very start, the greatest

:27:14.:27:15.

stand-up comedian of our - or really any - generation.

:27:16.:27:22.

Hello, Billy Connelly here asking for your cash.

:27:23.:27:25.

I've got cancer and Parkinson's, and I definitely need a

:27:26.:27:31.

We've got people all over the UK older than me who

:27:32.:27:40.

are really living tough lives, and I'd love you to help them.

:27:41.:27:43.

One evening, she turned round and she looked at me

:27:44.:27:49.

And the bottom dropped out of my world then.

:27:50.:27:57.

This is Jo, she was diagnosed with dementia at just 57 years old.

:27:58.:28:03.

It was a devastating discovery for her and her

:28:04.:28:04.

And she said, unfortunately you've got early-onset

:28:05.:28:16.

And this is Margaret, struggling to cope with

:28:17.:28:21.

the loss of her husband, the love of her life.

:28:22.:28:25.

Where do you go when your soul mate, partner, lover, has gone?

:28:26.:28:30.

And you, you amazing people out there.

:28:31.:28:37.

Young, old, and somewhere in between.

:28:38.:28:41.

Your cash helps people like this, grand people who life has

:28:42.:28:44.

And I'd ask you tonight to do it again, or

:28:45.:28:47.

Although if it's the first time watching Red Nose

:28:48.:28:50.

Day, you probably don't even know me!

:28:51.:28:52.

I'm the hilarious comedian with a weird

:28:53.:28:56.

beard, who once took off all my clothes for Comic Relief.

:28:57.:29:01.

What matters is you, tonight, at home, and this

:29:02.:29:08.

amazing power to completely change someone's life.

:29:09.:29:09.

I really hope you'll find it in your hearts to give

:29:10.:29:18.

It'll be simple and marvellous and you'll be so proud of yourselves.

:29:19.:29:24.

You can be part of a life-saving miracle tonight, if you can just

:29:25.:29:27.

I can't deny I find that pretty moving.

:29:28.:29:45.

He's been doing stuff with Comic Relief for half his life.

:29:46.:29:47.

The things he did were always so great.

:29:48.:29:49.

You can't get Billy to say what you want him to.

:29:50.:29:52.

He'll say what he wants and always pitch perfect.

:29:53.:29:55.

The vast continent? full of promise and

:29:56.:30:09.

The client's pretty strict, and has told us that after

:30:10.:30:16.

you say the word Africa, he'd like you to come in

:30:17.:30:18.

with "the vast continent" exactly a 50th of a

:30:19.:30:21.

Yeah, the timing is crucial on this, Steven.

:30:22.:30:30.

I've heard of Tony Curtis and Ian Kirke is of Joy Division.

:30:31.:30:50.

If he's trying to sell Africa, tell him he's made it sound pretty

:30:51.:30:53.

That was a 16th of a second too long.

:30:54.:31:02.

Len Fandango, I'm Clem Fandango's half brother.

:31:03.:31:14.

The feeling here, Steven, is that everyone thinks

:31:15.:31:26.

The client has specifically asked if you'd mind wearing the red nose

:31:27.:31:49.

Nope, sorry, Steven, we've got to get it exactly right.

:31:50.:32:06.

It's not that difficult, it's just a question of timing.

:32:07.:32:11.

Well, if you're such an expert, why don't you

:32:12.:32:13.

Africa, a vast continent, full of promise and

:32:14.:32:20.

That was exactly one 15th of a second.

:32:21.:32:32.

That was no different to how I did it.

:32:33.:32:34.

One more time, Steven, then we'll call it a night, eh?

:32:35.:32:38.

Sorry, Steven, too slow, it's just not happening.

:32:39.:32:46.

I think we'll just go with Len, he can obviously nail

:32:47.:32:49.

Yeah, thanks, Steven, I'll lay it down tomorrow.

:32:50.:32:52.

Sorry, Steven, it's Comic Relief, no one gets a taxi.

:32:53.:33:01.

You'll have to get the tube, I'm afraid.

:33:02.:33:09.

And leave the nose. What? What the hell are you laughing at?

:33:10.:33:21.

Let's keep the ball rolling - specifically, tiny chocolate balls ?

:33:22.:33:38.

as we say a big thank you to the good people at Maltesers.

:33:39.:33:48.

Hello. I am here with the hard-working Maltesers team, where

:33:49.:33:55.

they are having a sale to raise money for Comic Relief, and I hear

:33:56.:33:59.

there is a prize for the best cake, so I am getting involved. As part of

:34:00.:34:05.

the baked a million campaign, people have been baking beautiful cakes.

:34:06.:34:09.

For every photo posted online Maltesers are donating ?5. This is

:34:10.:34:17.

my entry. Where will I put it? Our guest judge has been expecting you.

:34:18.:34:24.

Brilliant. This way, please. Oh, my giddy aunt, Jack Nicholson. I have a

:34:25.:34:31.

greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. Clearly a very busy

:34:32.:34:37.

man. Try this. Come on, Jack Nicholson, tell me the truth. You

:34:38.:34:43.

can't handle the truth! Come on. It wasn't that bad. This bit is nice. I

:34:44.:34:49.

would rather you said thank you and went on your way. Passive

:34:50.:34:58.

aggressive! Well? First prize, don't ask any questions. All that remains

:34:59.:35:07.

to be said is a great egg thank you! -- a great league thank you.

:35:08.:35:13.

After all their help this campaign, it's with great pleasure that I can

:35:14.:35:17.

reveal that they have raised the very sweet total of...

:35:18.:35:31.

Now is as good a time as any to take that money,

:35:32.:35:38.

add it to everything else we've raised so far and

:35:39.:35:40.

announce our first total of the night.

:35:41.:35:42.

Warwick and Rob, how much are we looking at so far?

:35:43.:35:45.

Now, as this is the first big total of the night,

:35:46.:35:48.

we wanted to display it on something truly massive.

:35:49.:35:51.

We searched all over the O2 and let me tell you,

:35:52.:35:53.

So tonight, I can proudly announce that the total raised

:35:54.:35:57.

That means children in school and more vaccines in the world's

:35:58.:36:16.

poorest communities, and more care for young carers,

:36:17.:36:18.

for older people all over the UK,

:36:19.:36:20.

for people dealing with mental health issues.

:36:21.:36:21.

It's a big number that's going to help a huge number of people.

:36:22.:36:24.

Thank you so much to everyone who has donated so far.

:36:25.:36:27.

And thank you, Rob, for your help with that one.

:36:28.:36:41.

My face is hurting. What are you saying?

:36:42.:36:46.

Time now for a quick update from the World Cup of Biscuits.

:36:47.:36:49.

Hello, there, everyone, welcome back to my World

:36:50.:36:51.

We are about to find out who the semifinalists are. The first

:36:52.:37:03.

quarterfinal was the jammy dodger against chocolate fingers. This was

:37:04.:37:10.

a 51-49 split, super close. And the first semifinalist is chocolate

:37:11.:37:13.

fingers. Congratulations to the chocolate fingers. I am pleased

:37:14.:37:20.

about that. I hate jammy Dodgers. Second semifinal, this was 55 and

:37:21.:37:25.

50. But just in the lead, custard cream is our second semifinalist.

:37:26.:37:33.

Happier with that? Custard cream versus chocolate fingers is our

:37:34.:37:38.

first semifinal. The second quarterfinal, 55-45 to the chocolate

:37:39.:37:44.

hobnob. I am pleased with that. Good voting so far. Chocolate digestives

:37:45.:37:50.

or Jaffa cakes? Jaffa cakes are a biscuit. The winner is, 51-49,

:37:51.:37:58.

chocolate digestive. Those are your semifinals. If you go on Twitter now

:37:59.:38:03.

you can vote right now on that. Thank you, Miranda. And now a film

:38:04.:38:07.

about malaria. The progress here has been amazing

:38:08.:38:11.

in the last 10 years - hundreds of thousands less children

:38:12.:38:14.

dying each year. But we'd love not to stop till it's

:38:15.:38:16.

wiped out completely. With your help, the number

:38:17.:38:23.

of children dying from malaria each But malaria is still one

:38:24.:38:26.

of the biggest killers Even though it is

:38:27.:38:32.

preventable, and treatable. This is the children's ward in one

:38:33.:38:41.

of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most of the children

:38:42.:38:47.

here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so consuming there

:38:48.:38:53.

aren't enough beds to go around. She laughs, she cries, and,

:38:54.:39:02.

like many children of her age, Her mother, Mary,

:39:03.:39:10.

is desperately poor. There aren't any malaria testing

:39:11.:39:18.

kits in her village. So she's had no choice

:39:19.:39:21.

but to walk for three hours, carrying her daughter

:39:22.:39:24.

to the nearest hospital. All the time, her little girl's

:39:25.:39:29.

blood was being destroyed Doctor Columbo is doing

:39:30.:39:32.

everything he can to save her. If only Mtunduwatha had been

:39:33.:39:55.

diagnosed even a day earlier, she might not now be fighting

:39:56.:40:15.

for her life. ?30 you'd give would pay for 100

:40:16.:40:43.

children to be diagnosed. That was the voice of

:40:44.:41:32.

David Tennant there. and I remember an appeal he did

:41:33.:41:48.

a few years ago and him being in this malaria hospital

:41:49.:41:51.

and saying "Don't be the person who says I'll call tomorrow -

:41:52.:41:53.

don't be the person who puts it off and then realises a week later

:41:54.:41:57.

they never actually gave any cash". Please, right now -

:41:58.:42:00.

if you can - to save a life, Right, time to go back, way back,

:42:01.:42:03.

all the way back to the '80s, Here I am again, massively

:42:04.:42:42.

successful, friends with everyone, especially huge stars. Who would

:42:43.:42:48.

have thought it. Bond, from Gavin and Stacey, taking over the whole

:42:49.:42:55.

world. But I still need, remarkably, celebrity friends to help me get...

:42:56.:43:01.

I'm not ready yet. I haven't talked about myself enough. Wait a minute.

:43:02.:43:08.

Just get in. You can't stop on this road. It's very dangerous.

:43:09.:43:23.

I'm not a white woman. American, my way to Motown. Gladys. Gladys Knight

:43:24.:43:42.

and the pips. I have not got the pips with me. Not the singing pips.

:43:43.:43:48.

Those particular pips are six inches lower than last year.

:43:49.:44:01.

I'm going to put on some music and randomly, one of your songs might

:44:02.:44:10.

come up. If it does... Not one that you just look good singing. Will you

:44:11.:44:20.

join me if it comes on? Oh, I know this one. Come on, everybody.

:44:21.:44:26.

# (Too much for the man, he couldn't make it)

:44:27.:44:40.

# So he's leaving a life he's come to know, ooh

:44:41.:44:49.

# The world he left behind not so long ago

:44:50.:45:08.

# (Leaving on the midnight train), yeah

:45:09.:45:20.

# To a simpler place and time, oh, yes, he is

:45:21.:45:42.

Facts it get out, I've had enough of you, had enough of you. Make your

:45:43.:45:49.

mind up. How do you get away with it?

:45:50.:45:56.

Still to come, find out if romance is still blossoming in Love

:45:57.:46:00.

actually. They're raising money for Red Nose Day. They say he's going to

:46:01.:46:06.

be one of the biggest urban artists in the world.

:46:07.:46:10.

And something very special coming from the roof of the O2.

:46:11.:46:20.

Tonight, I've got a really special announcement to make., Fergie and

:46:21.:46:27.

GSK have come together and forged a partnership. GSK have said they will

:46:28.:46:33.

give ?3 million to fight malaria on the front line. So we can carry on

:46:34.:46:38.

helping communities like this one here in Tanzania. So thank you so

:46:39.:46:44.

much to GSK, and let's make malaria history.

:46:45.:46:51.

And even more incredible is that statistic.

:46:52.:46:58.

Malaria deaths in children under five have fallen by 71% since 2000.

:46:59.:47:01.

And you have had a big part to play in that, so thank you.

:47:02.:47:04.

And thank you to GSK, who haven't forgotten

:47:05.:47:08.

there are still thousands of young children who desperately need our

:47:09.:47:11.

Time for a much needed dose of hard-hitting journalism now.

:47:12.:47:15.

Jeremy Paxman has nothing on these two.

:47:16.:47:16.

I give you Donald and Davey Stott, The Stotts!

:47:17.:47:25.

Welcome, we ask the questions. Who is our guests? Let's see who their

:47:26.:47:51.

guest is tonight who will be interviewing this evening. It's the

:47:52.:47:57.

correspondent, Susanna Reid. Susanna Reid!

:47:58.:48:06.

Ladies and gentlemen, we know you all like a little exposure to cheer

:48:07.:48:14.

you right up. Check this out, Susanna! One, two, three, go!

:48:15.:48:22.

We've got use boiled onions, Susanna. Lovely. We boiled some milk

:48:23.:48:31.

and Lemsip and butter. And a gift for you, Susanna, the gift that

:48:32.:48:37.

keeps on giving, the greatest gift of all, jeans.

:48:38.:48:45.

I'm very grateful, thank you, they're lovely. Good lass.

:48:46.:48:54.

So Susanna, we ask the questions on the first question is this, you're

:48:55.:49:01.

at home having a nice relaxing time after a hard day of newsreading.

:49:02.:49:08.

Suddenly realise you are out of bog roll. You go to your blog and find a

:49:09.:49:12.

?10 note, do you use that or just slip off one of your socks and use

:49:13.:49:19.

that? Do I have to use either? It's that or your finger. You can use

:49:20.:49:24.

your sock? I will now know to use my sock, if

:49:25.:49:30.

I'm ever in that situation. OK. Susanna, you turn up at broadcasting

:49:31.:49:49.

centre, you turn up and your pants back to front, has ever happened? I

:49:50.:49:56.

have turned up with my frock on the wrong way. The next section is

:49:57.:50:05.

cinema section. Susanna, have you seen Kong? Noone no. It's out now,

:50:06.:50:17.

have you seen it? It's very heavy, with a twist in the middle. At the

:50:18.:50:23.

beginning there a couple of little... I don't know what to call

:50:24.:50:29.

them... It's quite hairy at the beginning. You could miss them quite

:50:30.:50:33.

easily. I don't feel like I'm missing anything right now! Enough

:50:34.:50:42.

about my crown jewels! Do you ever go to the pictures? Do you ever go?

:50:43.:50:46.

I'm just trying to keep my eyeliner above here. Very well done.

:50:47.:50:52.

When you are laid in bed with your husband Piers Morgan and he gets up,

:50:53.:50:58.

does he leave a residue, an oily substance on the bottom sheet that

:50:59.:51:05.

you can harvest and use to lubricate your tractor or lawn mower, for

:51:06.:51:09.

example? Well, I didn't hear all of the question because I stopped

:51:10.:51:13.

listening when you said laying in bed with my husband Piers Morgan. We

:51:14.:51:20.

are not married. You got divorced? We are TV husband-and-wife. We share

:51:21.:51:23.

a so far. Susanna, have you ever eaten brown

:51:24.:51:26.

bread? I like a roll. Sophisticated lady.

:51:27.:51:35.

Susanna, I have a last question for you. I'd like you to have a look at

:51:36.:51:43.

this. We have a soft creature in it. Put your hand in and touch the soft

:51:44.:51:50.

creature. Do I have to? Is it going to hurt? No. Just have a touch. Can

:51:51.:51:59.

I look first? Hazard no. I don't know what it is. Have a good touch.

:52:00.:52:11.

No! Ladies and gentlemen, Susanna Reid! Thank you very much everyone.

:52:12.:52:21.

We ask the questions! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:52:22.:52:28.

I don't know what I just saw... Graham Norton and

:52:29.:52:30.

Jonathan Ross could both learn something from their

:52:31.:52:31.

interview technique. Time now for another

:52:32.:52:33.

film from Ed Sheeran. He went to Liberia a few

:52:34.:52:35.

months ago to see first hand why your

:52:36.:52:36.

donations are so crucial. It's quite odd, because I'm

:52:37.:52:44.

on a beach, and you can hear You would assume that in hot

:52:45.:52:46.

weather, a beach would be paradise. But this is far from it,

:52:47.:52:52.

I've never felt so on edge in anywhere that I've been

:52:53.:52:55.

in my entire life. Across Africa, millions

:52:56.:53:04.

of the world's poorest children They're hidden away in any

:53:05.:53:10.

crevice they can find. This is obviously where

:53:11.:53:15.

they sleep every night. You do see them in the day

:53:16.:53:18.

and they're kids, running around Then, you come here on the beach,

:53:19.:53:41.

and there's loads of adults smoking and just these two tiny little thing

:53:42.:53:47.

sleeping in a boat around all of that, in the middle

:53:48.:53:50.

of Liberia's worst slum. How long have you been

:53:51.:53:53.

living on the streets? What do you want to be

:53:54.:54:07.

when you're older? What would you do if

:54:08.:54:25.

you were the President? If JD goes to school now,

:54:26.:54:47.

he will learn, he will succeed. But a couple more years

:54:48.:54:55.

like this, I think that's it. He's already quite shut

:54:56.:54:58.

off from the world. Once were done here,

:54:59.:55:01.

we're going to pack up the camera and these guys are going to be

:55:02.:55:04.

sleeping in their canoe at night with a lot

:55:05.:55:06.

of dangerous people about. Wake up in the morning and try

:55:07.:55:09.

and fend for themselves. This is the really harsh

:55:10.:55:11.

reality for street children As you're tucking your children

:55:12.:55:14.

into bed tonight, children like JD are huddling together,

:55:15.:55:19.

sleeping outside, in danger, Ed, pretty strong stuff,

:55:20.:55:21.

and that wasn't actually No - we were just

:55:22.:55:50.

about to leave when A huge commotion started. There was

:55:51.:56:08.

a guy a lot taller than you with JD in his hand smacking him and

:56:09.:56:12.

smacking him. What? When the cameras were still rolling? Hazard I think

:56:13.:56:16.

we got a little bit afterwards. Can we see a little bit more, what

:56:17.:56:24.

happened after that? It really doesn't feel right leaving at all.

:56:25.:56:32.

The only thing we can do... My natural instinct is to put them in

:56:33.:56:36.

the car and take them and put them somewhere in the city, but them in a

:56:37.:56:42.

hotel until we get them sorted. Can we do that? Please, tonight, pay for

:56:43.:56:50.

them to stay in a house until we get them into school. It doesn't matter

:56:51.:56:55.

how much it is. We'll get them in a house... With an older person to

:56:56.:57:01.

look after them. That's the problem, they're so little. I don't think we

:57:02.:57:09.

should go until that's sorted. We'll get you somewhere to stay tonight,

:57:10.:57:15.

OK? These kids, you give them an

:57:16.:57:18.

education, you give them hope. That's the main thing. I don't think

:57:19.:57:23.

it's just a financial thing, it's someone saying, you can believe

:57:24.:57:29.

this, and fulfilling a promise. This red they knows appeals... It tugs at

:57:30.:57:39.

your heartstrings and you want to donate to help a child. I think

:57:40.:57:43.

everyone here filming agrees we can't leave this place without

:57:44.:57:46.

sorting these kids out so we are going to sort these kids out that

:57:47.:57:51.

these kids are just five in a million, 2 million, 5 million, there

:57:52.:57:55.

are so many kids in the same situation as these kids. It's

:57:56.:57:57.

really, really important donate so we can get this these kids off the

:57:58.:58:01.

street, into school and give them a future.

:58:02.:58:15.

Yes, but that's only five in a lot. I've been told not to say this on

:58:16.:58:27.

watershed but one thing we couldn't show you in the film with those boys

:58:28.:58:32.

and a lot of the street boys get raped by older kids, which is even

:58:33.:58:36.

more harrowing. Just to get the kids off the streets, and it's not even

:58:37.:58:40.

that much, it would be like a tenner to take them out and put them in a

:58:41.:58:43.

good school. Thank you so much for that and that film. Please everyone,

:58:44.:58:49.

you can do exactly that. Save a kid from leaving a brutal life. You can

:58:50.:58:51.

call... Or text YES to 70210

:58:52.:58:56.

ten to give ?10. The busiest man in the world -

:58:57.:58:58.

but maybe nothing more In just a moment we'll be

:58:59.:59:08.

going back to Micky and Joe in our calamitous Comedy Kitchen,

:59:09.:59:19.

we've got an exclusive Welcome to Your Mum: a little game

:59:20.:59:24.

that unearths a few embarrassing secrets about our hosts and more

:59:25.:59:36.

importantly, their dear mothers. We have Luisa and Helen. Romesh and

:59:37.:00:01.

his mum and cajole and penny. -- Joel and penny. We have some photos,

:00:02.:00:05.

look at that. Romesh, an original gangster even back then. Look at

:00:06.:00:11.

that face! Here's how the game works. For the sons and daughter I

:00:12.:00:15.

will read out some statements made by your mum and you have to think if

:00:16.:00:21.

it was your mum or one of the other mothers by holding up your palate.

:00:22.:00:25.

On one side it says my mum and on the other it says your mum. These

:00:26.:00:29.

are all absolutely true facts your kids do not know about. This... Are

:00:30.:00:34.

you ready. Here we go, fact number one, one of the mothers said this...

:00:35.:00:38.

I lied to my child about how much I enjoyed their school play faster by

:00:39.:00:42.

actually left at the beginning to go shopping instead. Wow. Whoever that

:00:43.:00:50.

was, you are a horrible mum. Who do you think? Your mum or one of the

:00:51.:01:00.

others? Let's find out which of the mums it actually was. Yes! Oh my

:01:01.:01:13.

God! Is it any wonder I went into comedy after that? We are all

:01:14.:01:19.

tempted to go to your gigs and walk out early but this must have been a

:01:20.:01:26.

terrible show. I'm sorry I thought my mum left. You were straight up

:01:27.:01:29.

with your response. It's the kind of thing she would do. One of the mums

:01:30.:01:35.

said this, I once caught my partner talking to another woman, to get him

:01:36.:01:40.

back I used his toothbrush to clean the entire house, sinks and toilets

:01:41.:01:45.

as well. Was that your mum or one of the other mums? No one wants to take

:01:46.:01:52.

responsibility. OK, mums, who is responsible? Ha-ha! Are you joking?

:01:53.:02:08.

That such a maternal thing to do, because you get revenge but the

:02:09.:02:11.

house is immaculate afterwards. Did you clean everything with the

:02:12.:02:16.

toothbrush, the toilet? Only the tiles. Ha-ha! OK. Don't know if you

:02:17.:02:22.

will still be talking after this one. One of the mums said, I have

:02:23.:02:28.

snogged and 80s pop star. Which one of your mums had some fun with a 80s

:02:29.:02:39.

pop star? Let's vote now. You want it to be true. I can tell you that

:02:40.:02:50.

the pop star was Meatloaf. OK, which mum was it? What! You snogged

:02:51.:03:03.

Meatloaf, really? We were very little. We were in the same primary

:03:04.:03:09.

school. So you were young, but who was it? Curt Smith from Tears for

:03:10.:03:18.

Fears. Shout, shout, take your tongue out. Now we are going to do a

:03:19.:03:24.

question that one of the children had some information and the mums

:03:25.:03:29.

don't know, this is the time for the mums to vote. Which of your kids

:03:30.:03:34.

said this? My first kiss was with someone of the same six.

:03:35.:03:42.

OK. You've think that you have and you have a gender fluid child. You

:03:43.:03:54.

are fairly convinced that yours is a heterosexual young man, not keen.

:03:55.:04:05.

Which of you was it? Boom, right in there. I hope it was beautiful. It

:04:06.:04:14.

was amazing, but then he cheated on me. Let's face it, everyone is a

:04:15.:04:23.

winner tonight, thank you. You all get to take home a Your Mum jersey.

:04:24.:04:32.

Congratulations. But all the time we've got four Your Mum, ladies and

:04:33.:04:34.

gentlemen. On Monday, Queen of the airwaves

:04:35.:04:38.

Sara Cox donned her finest day-glo lycra for a Sounds Of The '80s

:04:39.:04:43.

24-hour Danceathon. That was exhausting but she's back

:04:44.:04:53.

on her dancing feet and is with us. That is demented but an incredible

:04:54.:05:01.

achievement. It was pretty intense mentally and physically. My Radio 2

:05:02.:05:04.

listeners came through like a storm and we raised ?1.1 million. I was

:05:05.:05:12.

hoping we would do that otherwise it would have been really awkward.

:05:13.:05:21.

Everyone really marked in, everyone donated. So why on earth, what

:05:22.:05:26.

possessed you to agree to do that? I ask myself that question a lot.

:05:27.:05:32.

There was a big booming voice that would say, 23 hours left. But I saw

:05:33.:05:39.

the work that Comic Relief do in January, and basically they made me

:05:40.:05:45.

do it. They do that, don't they? It's kind of tax. Just attacks on

:05:46.:05:54.

having a lovely job -- a tax. Two years ago Dermot O'Leary danced the

:05:55.:05:58.

24-hour 's. He looked like a man in Labour to me. It was like a really

:05:59.:06:06.

long labour, friends rushing around. You've done it this time. Who are

:06:07.:06:10.

you going to nominate for two years' time? A good friend and colleague

:06:11.:06:15.

but he will hate me for this, I have just sent him a text message. He

:06:16.:06:21.

loves music. When he was on strictly Len Goodman says he dances like a

:06:22.:06:24.

stalker that's been hit by lightning and his name is Jeremy Vine. Jeremy

:06:25.:06:40.

Vine -- like a stork. Still to come. Peter Kay, more from French and

:06:41.:06:45.

Saunders. We stop the dancing now, it's finished. It was like four days

:06:46.:06:55.

ago. I knew that. I totally didn't know that. I'm going to style this

:06:56.:07:02.

out. I just feel that people, the nation at home need to see this body

:07:03.:07:09.

in this outfit with an unsupportive bra doing some 80s moves. Hit the

:07:10.:07:19.

music! Everyone at home, get up off your sofas.

:07:20.:07:24.

Here's Joel Dommett and Lisa Snowdon with a special thank you to the guys

:07:25.:07:29.

We are in TK Maxx for two special reasons. A massive thank you to

:07:30.:07:43.

everybody who has bought and sold this amazing range of Comic Relief

:07:44.:07:45.

merchandise and the superb fundraising activities. The second

:07:46.:07:51.

reason is to sort this out. I like my body warm and my arms cold. With

:07:52.:07:56.

the specially designed T-shirts, tea towels and aprons they are aiming to

:07:57.:08:00.

raise the bar even higher and to be honest it couldn't get any lower.

:08:01.:08:05.

You are so mean, what happened to you? Go and try them on. I'm really

:08:06.:08:11.

insecure, you're not helping. Who are you? Sorry, are the changing

:08:12.:08:17.

rooms this way? You have no style or sense of fashion. Why is everybody

:08:18.:08:25.

insultingly? I'm not standing for this any longer. The Oscars are

:08:26.:08:30.

stupid! Meryl Streep loves my outfit. Who are all these people? I

:08:31.:08:34.

just thought you needed a second opinion. Anyway, time to say thank

:08:35.:08:43.

you. I've got a great idea. Thank you! I can spell, ma'am!

:08:44.:08:52.

Thank you to everyone at TK Maxx and also to our good friends

:08:53.:08:55.

Warwick and I can now reveal that the total made

:08:56.:09:00.

You want to do this? It's ?4,500,388. A huge thank you to

:09:01.:09:25.

everyone for that amazing total. Still time to buy those brilliant

:09:26.:09:26.

T-shirts and do your bit. Let's see how Joe Lycett

:09:27.:09:29.

and Micky Flanagan are getting on. Remember, they're live

:09:30.:09:32.

all night, running a pizza Joe, how are your

:09:33.:09:34.

doughballs shaping up? We need 40 margaritas. 40, yes, 40.

:09:35.:09:46.

Ten Hawaiians. Maybe let's do some spicy ones. All large. Bring them to

:09:47.:09:52.

pizza express in the O2. It's not a joke. Yeah. Basically I've had

:09:53.:09:58.

Mickey Flanagan doing them and he can't cook for his life. Just look

:09:59.:10:08.

for Val. Basically what happened, Mickey hasn't made a decent pizza

:10:09.:10:12.

all night and so what we've have to do is order dominoes. There is a

:10:13.:10:18.

dominoes coming to pizza express. I don't think we are going to make a

:10:19.:10:21.

lot of money for Comic Relief right now. We have a bucket with donations

:10:22.:10:26.

people have made tonight. I dread to think how much people have put in.

:10:27.:10:31.

Nicky has really let me down here. Let's have a look. Just wanted to

:10:32.:10:36.

recreate that pose. I look nice there, don't I? Oh God. I mean, that

:10:37.:10:44.

is dreadful, isn't it? That is not good. I'm going to have a word with

:10:45.:10:50.

Mickey, where is he? What are you doing? I'm having a drink. We've got

:10:51.:10:54.

to serve customers. Look how much we've learned. That's all right,

:10:55.:11:03.

isn't it? Do you want me to put mine back, would that help? It was for

:11:04.:11:12.

the cab home. It's still not enough. I'm talking to the girls. I'm like

:11:13.:11:20.

an ornithologist, talking to the birds. I'm going to see if Pat Sharp

:11:21.:11:29.

has got anything. We've only made ?40. Nice. Very nice, Pat. Ten quid

:11:30.:11:41.

from Pat Sharp. He was on radio one back in the day. Val, how much have

:11:42.:11:50.

you made? About ?130. Val's made ?130. What have you done? I'm

:11:51.:12:00.

drinking. I don't think you've got a future in being in a restaurant, I'm

:12:01.:12:04.

going to be honest. Have you had a nice time? Very nice. Thank you so

:12:05.:12:13.

much, we will find out the final total on Graham Norton's show. We've

:12:14.:12:18.

done our best. We've made a hundred quid. Up next is a video of things

:12:19.:12:22.

going on up and down the country. Goodbye.

:12:23.:12:48.

# You'll never feel happy # Until you try

:12:49.:12:55.

# You'll never, never, never feel happy

:12:56.:12:57.

# Until you try # You'll never feel happy

:12:58.:13:06.

# Until you try # Everybody needs this happy thing

:13:07.:13:13.

# Everybody needs this # Everybody needs this happy thing

:13:14.:13:20.

# You'll never feel happy # Until you try #.

:13:21.:13:32.

I've come to the children's ward at Redemption Hospital in Liberia.

:13:33.:13:38.

I had some idea of what I might experience.

:13:39.:13:46.

But nothing prepared me for seeing a child desperately ill,

:13:47.:13:48.

This is Tabitha and her father, Alexander.

:13:49.:14:06.

Tabitha's mum is seriously ill, so her father is taking

:14:07.:14:09.

It's just awful to think that this still happens.

:14:10.:14:19.

But there's a little girl who is so malnourished that her dad

:14:20.:14:22.

One in every three children in Liberia suffers from malnutrition.

:14:23.:14:36.

Put simply, they're not getting enough of the right food.

:14:37.:14:39.

To try and get her temperature down, and to just feed her body,

:14:40.:14:55.

but when we first got here, her little stomach was just

:14:56.:14:57.

How they are as composed is amazing to witness,

:14:58.:15:22.

you just sort of see incredibly skilled people saving a girl's life.

:15:23.:15:29.

If her dad hadn't brought her today, she probably would have died?

:15:30.:15:32.

All Tabitha's father can do now is comfort his little girl.

:15:33.:15:55.

# One for the master, and one for the girl...

:15:56.:16:00.

# And one for the little boy who lives down the lane #

:16:01.:16:09.

When I left Liberia, I thought Tabitha

:16:10.:16:11.

But when I got back, we actually found out that she had died.

:16:12.:16:20.

Despite everything that happened, her dad insisted

:16:21.:16:21.

To think that in 2017, there's still children in the world

:16:22.:16:31.

And that's where you come in, if you donate money we can get

:16:32.:16:38.

emergency food to children like Tabitha and they won't die.

:16:39.:16:42.

So if you can spare some money, then please give generously tonight.

:16:43.:16:53.

These things are very complicated but also simple,

:16:54.:17:11.

in that we've seen time and time again how simple things can

:17:12.:17:16.

make a huge difference, like vaccinations and health workers

:17:17.:17:18.

helping parents do the right thing at the right time.

:17:19.:17:20.

Sometimes, Red Nose Day is the difference

:17:21.:17:22.

between life and death and you can be part of that right now

:17:23.:17:26.

We know these films are very upsetting and had to watch, but

:17:27.:17:41.

you're watching this you want to help and you can help.

:17:42.:17:49.

Texts cost your donation plus your standard network message charge.

:17:50.:17:51.

100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief.

:17:52.:17:53.

You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill payer's permission.

:17:54.:17:57.

For full terms and conditions and more information,

:17:58.:17:59.

please go to bbc.co.uk/rednoseday, which is also where

:18:00.:18:00.

And when you call up, don't forget about Gift Aid.

:18:01.:18:09.

It's a great scheme that means if you're a UK taxpayer,

:18:10.:18:12.

Comic Relief can claim back 25 pence for every pound you give.

:18:13.:18:14.

That's an extra 25% on top ? at no extra cost to you.

:18:15.:18:17.

So when you're asked, please say yes.

:18:18.:18:20.

Now, a man who's done a lot for us over the years,

:18:21.:18:30.

he's a Comic Relief hero, and one of my personal

:18:31.:18:32.

Very excited about Peter here! That's the sort of response he

:18:33.:18:44.

deserves. Every year, he does

:18:45.:18:45.

something amazing for us - from the barn-storming

:18:46.:18:49.

Amarillo Number 1, to last Comic Relief, when he and the cast

:18:50.:18:51.

of Phoenix Nights raised over ?5 million with their live

:18:52.:18:56.

show in Manchester. Well, this year, he's come up

:18:57.:19:01.

with another very original plan which we're going to tell

:19:02.:19:05.

you about in a couple of minutes. Meanwhile, a little

:19:06.:19:08.

reminder of the glory # Is this the Way to Amarillo?

:19:09.:19:19.

# Every night I've been hugging my Pirlo

:19:20.:19:29.

# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo #. # Sit down, sit down, sit down next

:19:30.:19:37.

to me #. # Wasn't he fine? Hazard

:19:38.:19:44.

# So fine #. # I would walk 500 miles and I would

:19:45.:19:52.

walk 500 more... #. Hurry up, I want a cup of tea. Keep

:19:53.:19:55.

your hair on! This year, Peter has arranged

:19:56.:20:00.

a rather marvellous and original If you are a fan of Car Share,

:20:01.:20:06.

I think you might be about to go A man... A woman... A car... No, not

:20:07.:20:30.

that car, that car! Are back. You've got mud all over your pants, come

:20:31.:20:36.

here. I've got spit on them now. Car Share. Leave it, I'll get it off in

:20:37.:20:46.

the bog. For one night only in 250 cinema screens across written, Comic

:20:47.:20:51.

Relief proudly presents a very special night of Car Share, with a

:20:52.:20:58.

very exclusive Q and a with Peter Kay and John Gibson, where you get

:20:59.:21:02.

to ask the questions, including never before footage, outtakes, plus

:21:03.:21:10.

the very first time ever, the world premiere of two brand-new episodes

:21:11.:21:11.

of Kashi. Series two. So there you go - and tickets

:21:12.:21:22.

for Peter Kay's special Comic Relief Car Share Night

:21:23.:21:26.

go on sale... Yes, right now you can

:21:27.:21:30.

buy your exclusive tickets via bbc.co.uk/rednoseday

:21:31.:21:34.

and all the profits, pounds and pounds and pounds,

:21:35.:21:37.

from every ticket sold The screenings are next Friday 31st

:21:38.:21:39.

March, exclusive to all Vue You'll have one of the greatest

:21:40.:21:44.

nights - and Comic Relief Thank you, Peter, and thanks

:21:45.:21:49.

to everyone who goes - book now! OK, time to go back up to our

:21:50.:21:59.

biscuit base with Richard Osman, who has the results of our

:22:00.:22:05.

World Cup semi-finals. Welcome back to the semifinals of

:22:06.:22:19.

the World Cup of biscuits. You've been voting in your hundreds of

:22:20.:22:25.

thousands. Before we reveal the finalists, congratulations to all

:22:26.:22:29.

the biscuits involved. They have shown themselves in a good way, all

:22:30.:22:33.

drug tested and they are free of them. A brief worry earlier when I

:22:34.:22:40.

thought I'd been hacked because of a Russian biscuits leading the

:22:41.:22:43.

semifinal but it's fine. We will reveal the winner. What you think of

:22:44.:22:48.

this semifinalist, Joel? Hazard excellent. I really like a custard

:22:49.:22:55.

cream, I take it apart and then I beaver the middle.

:22:56.:23:07.

OK... Rob? A very chocolatey... You know what upsets me most about the

:23:08.:23:12.

fact the chocolate hobnob had to knock out its own brethren. It's

:23:13.:23:17.

like the Miliband brothers all over again. Sally, look at these. I would

:23:18.:23:25.

vote for the chocolate hobnob. I think a custard cream is boring. I

:23:26.:23:28.

know it has an interesting texture on the top, but a tiny bit dull. And

:23:29.:23:33.

they've started downsizing some other biscuits. When you get them in

:23:34.:23:38.

a ten, their repressive. Other biscuits are being made custard

:23:39.:23:43.

cream shape. This is getting a bit... Time to reveal our two

:23:44.:23:51.

finalists. It is 50-50 in the first poll but I can reveal... We will get

:23:52.:23:56.

onto that one in a second. Let's get to this one first, 51-49. In the

:23:57.:24:02.

World Cup of Biscuits, you cannot complain if you didn't vote, this is

:24:03.:24:07.

your fault. The first semifinalist is... Chocolate digestive. Chocolate

:24:08.:24:14.

digestive! Classic old school chocolate digestive. Noone they

:24:15.:24:16.

don't like the oats, do they? Noone they don't like

:24:17.:24:20.

the oats, do they? If someone can tell me if it will be

:24:21.:24:29.

the chocolate fingers... Or the custard cream? The poll is ending

:24:30.:24:37.

any second now and it is 50-50. So exciting! It is two biscuits. The

:24:38.:24:45.

winner is chocolate fingers! I am disappointed. That is the final,

:24:46.:24:49.

chocolate digestive against chocolate finger. There are the

:24:50.:24:54.

details on screen. Please vote responsibly. Now you have the Red

:24:55.:25:01.

Nose Day Love actually premiere coming up but first, time to go back

:25:02.:25:03.

to our karaoke Queen 's. Here I am again, Obama. You won't

:25:04.:25:18.

know who this one is, it's unfathomable. Will you just wait

:25:19.:25:24.

till I've stopped the car? Stop now. OK, get in. You can't stop on this

:25:25.:25:32.

road, it's very dangerous. Hello. No idea. Brand-new hoodie and trainers,

:25:33.:25:47.

is it wrap? Crime, you idiot. You dirty girl. Shut up. I'm going to

:25:48.:26:02.

crimp my pig. And go to my hood and see my gal. Listen to me, this is

:26:03.:26:07.

how it's going to roll, I'm going to put some music on...

:26:08.:26:11.

# Went to the show sitting in the front row

:26:12.:26:30.

# In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown

:26:31.:26:33.

# Yeah, take time if a man wanna try me, no time

:26:34.:26:39.

# I pick up the mic and it's reload time

:26:40.:26:42.

# That's why I got gigs just like Joe Grind

:26:43.:26:44.

# Don't care 'bout the no smoking sign

:26:45.:26:46.

# This ain't a culture, it's my religion

:26:47.:26:50.

# But if a man wanna try me, trust me, listen

:26:51.:26:59.

# Went to the show sitting in the front row

:27:00.:27:05.

# In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown

:27:06.:27:09.

We're here, we're here. Thank God for that! Get out. Come and meet my

:27:10.:27:25.

girl, you're like! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:27:26.:27:27.

Ladies and gentlemen, they're two of a kind.

:27:28.:27:29.

Give it up for the legends that are Dawn French and

:27:30.:27:31.

Here's Rob Brydon with a special thank you to our

:27:32.:27:37.

The amazing people who shop and work at Sainsbury's in fundraising,

:27:38.:27:51.

buying Red Nose Day goodies. I'd come along to say thank you. You may

:27:52.:27:56.

have bought one of these red noses or a wristband, thank you Charlotte,

:27:57.:28:02.

or even a mug, thank you, Poppy. You may have even taken part in

:28:03.:28:05.

fundraising activities yourself, however large or small, you have

:28:06.:28:09.

helped to change peoples lives. You see, really is money well spent...

:28:10.:28:16.

Sorry, I thought I turned it off. Hello? You are supposed to call me.

:28:17.:28:21.

Highly, I'm doing a call for Comic Relief. I don't know who you are. A

:28:22.:28:25.

thing to do, it's Rob, you called me. I don't know what you want to it

:28:26.:28:28.

would be wonderful if you made a donation to Comic Relief. I don't

:28:29.:28:35.

have money but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.

:28:36.:28:40.

Really, if you know how to operate a till, Sue is feeling a bit peaky and

:28:41.:28:44.

we could do with some help on checkout five. I will look for you,

:28:45.:28:50.

I will find you. I'm sure you will, we're in aisle seven near the

:28:51.:28:54.

biscuits. Sorry about that, Liam is a bit intense. Back to the reason

:28:55.:28:57.

we're here, a big thank you to everyone that...

:28:58.:29:03.

That that's taken you by surprise. Ready everyone? Thank you!

:29:04.:29:17.

Thank you so much to everyone at Sainsbury's and thank

:29:18.:29:19.

you to all of you at home who have gone into stores and bought your

:29:20.:29:22.

Right, this is totally incredible because we can now reveal

:29:23.:29:27.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Incredible, the highest ever

:29:28.:29:43.

donation on the night! In five minutes, Red Nose Day

:29:44.:29:48.

Actually, but first it's over to Lenny, who has a crucial

:29:49.:29:51.

message for us all. And sure you've been expecting this.

:29:52.:29:59.

I just wanted to take a moment to talk about the terrible famine that

:30:00.:30:02.

spin on the news in the last few weeks.

:30:03.:30:06.

We've been going a long time together now, you and us.

:30:07.:30:09.

Back in 1985, there was a crisis in Ethiopia, a famine

:30:10.:30:12.

of biblical proportions, and some bright spark thought

:30:13.:30:14.

"I know, let's send in a bunch of comedians to help" ? worst idea

:30:15.:30:17.

ever, but together it's evolved and we're proud -

:30:18.:30:19.

I'm so very proud of what we have achieved together.

:30:20.:30:22.

At Comic Relief, we're committed to long-term change.

:30:23.:30:23.

We give people a leg up and gradually change or communities for

:30:24.:30:26.

the better. But sometimes, big stuff happens

:30:27.:30:28.

which upsets a whole country. Two years ago we gave life-saving

:30:29.:30:37.

help when Ebola struck. And now there's a crisis in four countries

:30:38.:30:42.

in Africa. It's real and it's very frightening. More than half the

:30:43.:30:46.

population of Yemen is hungry, half a country. To my people don't know

:30:47.:30:51.

where their next meal is coming from. There's no food at all and

:30:52.:30:55.

parents are watching their children die of hunger before their very

:30:56.:30:59.

eyes. We set up Comic Relief after a famine and it would be crazy not to

:31:00.:31:03.

give some of that cash tonight to help this intense emergency. Now

:31:04.:31:09.

you, the brilliant and generous British public, have the power to

:31:10.:31:11.

save lives right now. If you can't part with some cash tonight and next

:31:12.:31:15.

week we can reach families who are literally starving to death. This is

:31:16.:31:20.

an opportunity right now, to be part of the news in a good way, to save a

:31:21.:31:24.

life tonight. Please, please, please give what you can. You know the

:31:25.:31:28.

details but I'm going to save again, so you can see how easy it is do. Go

:31:29.:31:32.

online... Or pick up the phone and dial 03457

:31:33.:31:38.

910 910 and when someone answers, proudly tell them that

:31:39.:31:43.

you're part of the team, you want to give some

:31:44.:31:46.

of your own money to help others. If you can give us ?20,

:31:47.:31:50.

text yes to 70020. If you can afford a tenner,

:31:51.:31:53.

text yes to 70010. . We are finally within touching

:31:54.:32:05.

distance of Red Nose Day Actually and we will find out what happened

:32:06.:32:09.

to all our favourite characters from that great movie. Before I go any

:32:10.:32:14.

further I'm meant to be interrupted right now.

:32:15.:32:21.

Before you go any further, I need to remind everyone

:32:22.:32:28.

At ten o'clock, don't forget to switch over to BBC Two,

:32:29.:32:41.

where I will be hosting a very respectable show for Red Nose Day.

:32:42.:32:44.

That just so happens to be in a hot tub on top of The O2.

:32:45.:32:48.

And there will be a planet Earth special. That's amazing, don't miss

:32:49.:32:50.

that. That may look like a giraffe, it is

:32:51.:33:00.

actually a lion in a novelty giraffe costume. Like all novelty costumes

:33:01.:33:08.

used in the wild there are no eyeholes as without opposable thumbs

:33:09.:33:10.

it's impossible for the lion to use scissors. That's the third spectator

:33:11.:33:14.

he's hit this mile. As I was saying, we are just

:33:15.:33:26.

a few minutes away from? I'm being interrupted again. Graham

:33:27.:33:33.

Norton, ladies and gentlemen. You're not going to give Greg a plug

:33:34.:33:47.

for his show and not mine, are you? I'll be on BBC One after the news

:33:48.:33:51.

hosting my Big Chat Live, a one-off totally live chat show

:33:52.:33:54.

for Comic Relief! With over 30 guests. It sounds

:33:55.:33:57.

hideous. It's going to be epic. Don't miss

:33:58.:34:10.

Graham and his enormous couch. You love films, don't you?

:34:11.:34:16.

Right, I cannot believe I'm about to say this.

:34:17.:34:19.

Back together on the big screen for the first time

:34:20.:34:22.

MUSIC: God Only Knows by The Beach Boys.

:34:23.:34:38.

I'll get it. I'd be without you.

:34:39.:35:01.

He's not going to believe that, it's March.

:35:02.:35:11.

They're raising money for Red Nose Day.

:35:12.:35:13.

Give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.

:35:14.:35:18.

JO WHILEY ON RADIO: And tomorrow is Red Nose Day and we hope everyone

:35:19.:36:54.

will be giving a little cash to this great cause.

:36:55.:36:57.

Maybe even our Prime Minister himself, back in Number Ten

:36:58.:36:59.

Here's a little song to loosen your loose change.

:37:00.:37:06.

# You used to call me on my cell phone.

:37:07.:37:15.

# And I know when that hotline bling.

:37:16.:37:29.

# You got a reputation for yourself now.

:37:30.:37:45.

# Everybody knows and I feel left out...

:37:46.:37:51.

# You started wearing less and goin' out more.

:37:52.:38:07.

# Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor.

:38:08.:38:11.

# Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before.

:38:12.:38:14.

How many times have I told you not to dance down the stairs?

:38:15.:38:19.

When I hear that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing.

:38:20.:38:26.

I liked it best when you worked for me.

:38:27.:38:38.

So, Billy Mack, welcome back to the airwaves.

:38:39.:38:47.

Billy, you have released a charity single, and it's a cover version

:38:48.:38:50.

of the ZZ Top classic Gimme All Your Lovin'.

:38:51.:38:53.

Yes, except we've changed the word "lovin'" to "money".

:38:54.:39:00.

a wonderful charity supporting children.

:39:01.:39:03.

No, the truth is, I like the kids who buy my records.

:39:04.:39:09.

Even you must have noted how short and selfish they are.

:39:10.:39:15.

I've got an autobiography coming out and I need a bit of publicity.

:39:16.:39:24.

Billy, I see you haven't got your manager with you today.

:39:25.:39:41.

Tell me, has he finally left you after you being so rude about him?

:39:42.:39:44.

Well, for giving an honest answer to a question.

:39:45.:40:12.

That never happens here at Radio Watford.

:40:13.:40:16.

Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.

:40:17.:40:19.

OK, I probably asked you this last time you were here,

:40:20.:40:22.

It's definitely one of the Kardashians.

:40:23.:40:33.

Are you looking for anything in particular?

:40:34.:40:45.

It'll be ready in the jiffiest of jiffies.

:40:46.:41:39.

This is so much more than just a bag.

:41:40.:41:49.

Do you remember the first time I drove you?

:41:50.:41:51.

I remember looking at you and thinking "What a handsome man.

:41:52.:41:59.

I wished you could speak Portuguese so I could tell you how I felt.

:42:00.:42:42.

There was something about central heating, wasn't there?

:42:43.:42:46.

By the way, very attractive turtleneck today.

:42:47.:42:54.

Can we have rice with it this time, though?

:42:55.:43:47.

I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.

:43:48.:44:08.

And of course, the yoghurt-coated raisins.

:44:09.:44:15.

I know, I thought I'd give you a surprise visit.

:44:16.:44:56.

The surprise is, you have to pay for my flight.

:44:57.:45:00.

That's OK. My God, you've grown.

:45:01.:45:01.

No, I'm just wearing high-heeled trainers.

:45:02.:45:03.

I'm worried. You haven't been in touch.

:45:04.:45:15.

I know, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind.

:45:16.:45:18.

I can help you with money, you know. I'm loaded.

:45:19.:45:23.

Well, it's more of a love thing, actually.

:45:24.:45:29.

You should have had this sorted out ages ago.

:45:30.:45:40.

the only person you've ever genuinely been in love with

:45:41.:45:46.

was that cute wee girl, the singer at school.

:45:47.:45:48.

We met up in New York and, er, well, that's why we're here.

:45:49.:46:11.

I was wondering if I could ask for your son's hand in marriage.

:46:12.:46:24.

All you want for Christmas is this stringbean?

:46:25.:46:31.

Prime Minister, what happened to your arm?

:46:32.:47:15.

I fell down the stairs while dancing to Hotline Bling.

:47:16.:47:17.

I believe it happened to Palmerston as well.

:47:18.:47:20.

Yes, Prime Minister, when you came to power the first time,

:47:21.:47:27.

You said that the power of good could finally win,

:47:28.:47:31.

14 years later, do you still feel as upbeat?

:47:32.:47:39.

Obviously, times for many people have got harder and people

:47:40.:47:46.

And it's not just in politics that things are tough.

:47:47.:47:52.

Usain Bolt has run his last Olympics.

:47:53.:47:54.

The Harry Potter films have finished.

:47:55.:47:55.

But, let's look at the other side of the coin.

:47:56.:48:03.

Metallica's new album is an absolute cracker.

:48:04.:48:05.

And on a deeper level, I'm optimistic.

:48:06.:48:09.

Wherever you see tragedy, you see bravery too.

:48:10.:48:14.

Wherever you see ordinary people in need,

:48:15.:48:18.

you see extraordinary ordinary people come to their aid.

:48:19.:48:22.

Today's Red Nose Day, and people are giving their hard-earned cash

:48:23.:48:26.

to people who they'll never meet, but whose pain and fear

:48:27.:48:28.

So it's not just romantic love which is all around.

:48:29.:48:39.

Most people still, every day, everywhere, have enough love

:48:40.:48:45.

in their heart to help human beings in trouble.

:48:46.:48:48.

Prime Minister, what do you think is the best

:48:49.:49:04.

Wow - I didn't expect that to be so on message.

:49:05.:49:58.

I'm so proud of how Comic Relief does bring people together and does

:49:59.:50:01.

support people doing the best charity work.

:50:02.:50:04.

Please, if you enjoyed that show, the only

:50:05.:50:08.

reason they all made that film was so you might

:50:09.:50:11.

Give a little love by actually reaching out to help

:50:12.:50:14.

But don't forget, we have so much more still to come.

:50:15.:50:18.

In fact, if you want even more Red Nose Day Actually,

:50:19.:50:21.

then Greg Davies will be kicking off his Hot Tub Half Hour

:50:22.:50:24.

with a very exclusive look behind the scenes of that film.

:50:25.:50:28.

But now, back to Jonathan. This is the end of part one.

:50:29.:50:34.

Can we just ask, if you've had a good night so far,

:50:35.:50:37.

please do that one decisive thing and

:50:38.:50:39.

It'll completely change and save the lives of terrifically

:50:40.:50:43.

vulnerable children all over the world's poorest communities.

:50:44.:51:21.

Your money will also help people all over the UK,

:51:22.:51:25.

from the brave young carers who give their lives to their parents,

:51:26.:51:28.

right up to the older people Billy Connolly asked

:51:29.:51:30.

Sometimes I can't hug my mum because she's very hurting. I calm her down

:51:31.:51:47.

if she's upset. She said unfortunately you've got

:51:48.:51:57.

early onset... Early onset Alzheimer's. One evening she looked

:51:58.:52:05.

at me and said, where's Bob? And I'm Bob. The bottom dropped out of my

:52:06.:52:07.

world then. And tonight, it'll also directly,

:52:08.:52:09.

in the days ahead, give money to fight the famine

:52:10.:52:12.

that is threatening to steal life from hundreds of thousands

:52:13.:52:14.

of terrified and innocent victims. This is the heart of the area

:52:15.:52:27.

declared in famine. Thousands of people have gathered in the central

:52:28.:52:30.

area to register to receive food aid.

:52:31.:52:35.

Most were women and children, hungry, tired and waiting under a

:52:36.:52:37.

burning sun. The mighty Rag'n'Bone Man is now

:52:38.:52:56.

here to sing his gorgeous song Skin, and he's asked us to ask

:52:57.:52:59.

you to give if you can - whatever you can ?

:53:00.:53:02.

by phone, online, by text. In this next three minutes,

:53:03.:53:04.

it would be wonderful if everyone just, well,

:53:05.:53:06.

gave a few quid. # The silence hits so hard

:53:07.:53:09.

cos it was almost love # Turn around, you're

:53:10.:54:11.

holding on to someone # It was almost love.

:54:12.:55:14.

# APPLAUSE

:55:15.:56:45.

Thank you so much. Please give generously.

:56:46.:56:54.

Thanks so much to Rag'n'Bone Man for that beautiful performance.

:56:55.:56:58.

Thank you for being here. You heard what he said at the end, you know

:56:59.:57:03.

what the message is. We've said it time and time again but...

:57:04.:57:07.

If you've been meaning to donate and still haven't got round to it,

:57:08.:57:10.

please don't put it off for another second.

:57:11.:57:12.

To give by phone, call 03457 910 910.

:57:13.:57:14.

You can also donate through a simple text message.

:57:15.:57:22.

Or you can go to bbc.co.uk/rednoseday.

:57:23.:57:25.

There's one thing we have left to do before we get to witness Greg Davies

:57:26.:57:36.

Here we go, I've got a good feeling about this.

:57:37.:57:47.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can announce that the current

:57:48.:57:49.

amount raised so far,for Red Nose Day 2017 is a monumental...

:57:50.:57:55.

Don't tell them yet, hold on, hold on. Are you ready for this total?

:57:56.:58:02.

CHEERING I said are you ready for this total?

:58:03.:58:11.

CHEERING Are you ready for this total?

:58:12.:58:16.

CHEERING Hit it. OK it is...

:58:17.:58:29.

Oh my gosh. LAUGHTER OK, that is fabulous.

:58:30.:58:56.

So many thousands of lives But the night is still

:58:57.:58:58.

young, it's just begun. There's loads more fun -

:58:59.:59:02.

there's still plenty more to come. On Red Nose Day tonight,

:59:03.:59:04.

we've Graham Norton's Big Chat live, the biggest couch in the history

:59:05.:59:08.

of chat shows, with a fruit salad of extraordinary

:59:09.:59:14.

guests - Dame Joan Collins, David Tennant, Gordon Ramsay

:59:15.:59:18.

and the biggest supermodel All that and Ed Sheeran and People

:59:19.:59:20.

Just Do Nothing, David Walliams and Jeremey Kyle and a special hour

:59:21.:59:32.

of live comedy from the one and only CHEERING

:59:33.:59:36.

. and a hiarlous look back

:59:37.:59:44.

at Comic Relief's biggest musical moments with Noel Fielding -

:59:45.:59:47.

and a dashing chap Jump over now to BBC Two

:59:48.:59:49.

for Greg Davies' Hot Tub Half Hour. We will see you back here later. See

:59:50.:59:57.

you later!

:59:58.:59:58.

The Comic Relief charity fundraising extravaganza settles into its new home at the O2, where the hosts include Lenny Henry, Jonathan Ross, Sally Phillips, Rob Beckett, Romesh Ranganathan, Warwick Davis and Miranda Hart.

There are live performances from Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer, and Matt Berry and Catherine Tate, while Johnny Vegas and Joe Lycett take over the cooking and serving duties at a local pizza restaurant.

James Corden presents an exclusive Car Pool Karaoke from LA with Take That, and the all-star cast of Love Actually fast-forward 13 years into Red Nose Day Actually. There are also exclusive treats from Mrs Brown, Alan Partridge, Peter Kay and David Walliams.

Live music comes from Ed Sheeran, Rag'n'Bone Man and Emeli Sande.

Throughout the night, there are a number of films showing the work that Comic Relief does both in the UK and in Africa. To donate call 03457 910910 [standard rates].