Red Nose Day Comic Relief

Welcome to another grey day in London town. Don't worry, it's Red

Nose Day. # It's time to bring

the goofballs out # We're here to persuade

you not to go out on the lash # Chill out,

relax and give some cash # And rounded up the talent

who had sod all else to do # So we jumped into our cars

and now we're here at the O2 MUSIC CHANGES TO

"GANGNAM STYLE" BY PSY # You won't believe

that we all showed up # To fill your cup

with Red Nose glee Ladies and gentlemen,

this is Red Nose Day 2017. Please welcome Jonathan Ross

and Sir Lenny Henry. Welcome to the only show

in the world that needs a government health warning ? yes,

we are live, yes, we are dangerous and yes, if rehearsals

are anything to go by, we are going to get

in trouble with the BBC! But what the heck ? it'll be worth

the ban if we can raise Are you with me?

As for that opening, how annoyed would you be

when you heard the traffic report? "There are severe tailbacks

at Junction 11 on the M4, owing to a spillage of annoyingly

upbeat musical theatre graduates We're live from Building Six

at the O2 ? yes, we've not even been we've been kicked out

of buildings one to five. Now, Lenny, I don't think anyone

will disagree with me when I say that you are the Daddy

of Red Nose Day, which, I suppose by default,

makes me the Mummy of And technically, that means this lot

must be our Comic Relief offspring. Ladies and gentlemen,

meet the kids, starting with... And we give you an actor,

a presenter, a writer and director. You can't put this guy in a box,

because it's considered "cruel". Do you want to explain to everyone

why you're holding a towel, I was told tonight that

I'd be hosting my very own portion of Red Nose Day,

which I was told would be And from one impressive package

to another, here's a look Coming up:

Take That and James Corden on Carpool Karaoke. Find out what

happened in the return of Love actually. Jeremy Kyle faces his

toughest guest, Jeremy Kyle. Shut up! Ed Sheeran gets the treatment.

Come on, I said a little bit of the guitar. Stop getting carried away.

Stars join Graham Norton on his biggest ever so far. Russell Brand

will bring you the best stand-up comedy. And Noel Fielding and

Jonathan Ross guide you through Comic Relief's most fantastic beats.

All this and more on tonight's Comic Relief.

Vic and Bob, French and Saunders, Joel Dommett. Rag'n'Bone Man. Global

megastar, the one and only Ed Sheeran.

You went from "global megastar, Ed" to "and Miranda Hart"?

Sorry - first lady of comedy and queen of all our hearts.

Right, Comic Relief hosts, studio audience, audience at home,

Tonight, I intend to serve as your, what I call, "roaming host".

I wish to make sure you're all fed, watered, relaxed, comfy, energized.

Now, come with me as I roam hither, and thank goodness I did

hither roam, for look, it's the Richard Osman!

Tall, pointless Richard Osman, what's going on here, please?

Tonight, Miranda, in honour of Comic Relief's long

history with baked goods, I'll be running

It's an online poll to find out once and for all,

Voting will continue throughout the night. Exciting times.

Until then, have a nibble on me, by which I mean take a custard

I meant one custard cream, not the plate.

There might be somebody else -- summit else who wants something off

my trolley. Do you want something from the

trolley? No. They look awful. Try one.

Now, let me ask you, with the utmost love,

Well, all evening, I'm going to be putting in a shift and working

at the local pizza joint for the whole evening.

And get this, I'll be sharing the experience with the tour de

He's firing up the ovens, God help us.

Get back here soon. Look at all these people! We are going under.

Get back here. Get back! We'll see how you're

getting on later. In three minutes, it's James Corden

in Carpool Karaoke, but first, time to remind ourselves

what tonight is all about - making miracles happen

with a bit of cash. He is suffering with

severe malnutrition. # Could you take care

his life is in danger. He's got chubby cheeks,

and every chance of a And that's thanks to you,

the money you raised to help These are packed full

of nutrients and are amazing for malnourished

children like Divine. They're very often the difference

between life and death. Really - that's the truth of it -

donations tonight can really be the difference

between life and death. And your money is needed now more

than ever, because of course sadly over the last few weeks,

we've been getting some dreadful news from East Africa,

where famine is spreading. And this has been a sad we get home.

We send love and thoughts to those affected by events in Westminster on

Tuesday. Tonight is an opportunity to save lives. Your generosity, year

after year, proves how much more there is that unites us than divides

us. Every donation is a good deed. It's our first amazing

Comic Relief Special of the night - with James Corden and

special guests Take That! I thought we were going to drive

around, have some fun. I don't care if he's sleep,

go and wake him up! Take That, Carpool Karaoke

for Comic Relief. # I don't know

what you're waiting for # Your time is coming,

don't be late, hey, hey # So, come on, see the light

on your face # Let it shine,

just let it shi-i-ine. This is the first time I've spent

any real time with you as a three. I figured out that if I leave,

I think Gary and Mark If you leave, Howard,

it's Robson and Jerome. to be here now in this

car is unreal for me. # Today this could be

the greatest day of our lives... # And the world comes alive, oh, oh,

oh # Watch the world come alive

tonight How has touring changed now compared

to what it was like in the '90s? I don't know what it's

like for you guys, but sometimes, You've got families,

you've got a home life. We're meeting people

before you go on. Sometimes, I can't wait to get

on there for a bit of peace. Because it's two

hours when no one... It's two hours where I put my ears

in and it's just me, my brothers and the audience,

and it's brilliant. I almost don't want to come off,

because I know I'm going back They're the same people,

but they're all older. So where they used to throw

bras and underwear, now, Well, it used to be teddies

we used to get thrown. Do you have a creche,

a Take That creche? That would be a real

moneyspinner, I think. Everything Changes

During The Menopause. # As I looked away,

I saw a face behind you. # And when I looked again,

I saw his face was shining. I thought of a quiz

that you could play. So you pick one and leave

one, which of the two? When was the last time

you had a full English? The problem with me is,

if I start eating food like that, I keep this photo of you, Howard,

in the car at all times. I keep it in the car

at all times, just for me. LAUGHTER

Just for me! I'd have lights on, though,

with that body, wouldn't you? With that body, my lights

would be on all the time. # As hot as the sun,

as hard as a stone. Howard's dreads, or

Gary's bleached hair? I stayed at his mansion,

And because I was staying there and I had my dreadlocks, he put

# Never forget where you're coming from.

# Someday soon, this will all be someone else's dream.

Well done lads, fantastic, it was great, wasn't it?

Stay tuned for part two, where we'll find out if James can

help the boys to finally crack America.

Tonight, we're committed to changing lives right here in the UK, so

here's a film about an amazing little girl called Becca.

This is Becca, and her good friend, Izzy. They are both nine years old

and about to start their day. Good morning. Here's your codeine and cup

of tea. Thank you. They lived in the same neighbourhood and are in the

same class at school, but they lead two very different lives, because

Becca is a young carer who looks after her mum. My mum has a lot of

pain and she doesn't really want to move when it's hurting. Becca's mum

condition means she can't do the things most mothers can and some

days she is physically unable to look after herself, so Becca has to

step in. You're welcome. Have a good swimmer.

It's hard sometimes because you've got more responsibilities than other

kids. It's been a long day for Becca and she has to do it all again in

the morning. But just around the corner there is an amazing project

funded by Comic Relief that's making a big difference. It gives children

like Becca a break from their huge responsibility at home and a chance

to have fun with other young carers. Shouldering the responsibility of

looking after someone you love can be hard for anyone, but for a child

it can be too much to bear. Sometimes I can't help my mum

because she's very hurting. I calm her down if she's upset.

Young carers, just like Becca, desperately need a bit of support.

You can help them tonight. Please call...

And tonight, you can actually help and support them,

100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief. You must be 16 or over

please asked the Bill Pryor's permission. For more information, go

to the website. And that website is also where you can donate online.

And let's talk about Gift Aid, if you make a donation there is an

extra 25% on top at no extra cost to you. So when you are asked, please

say yes because this is a night when every penny makes a huge difference.

Now time to check in with the kitchen nightmare and Joe Lycett.

Hello, welcome back to Pizza Express! Pizza Express, if you're

not familiar... Look, actual customers here. It sort of like

Pizza Hut but the customers here have jobs. These actual people are

here to give money for Comic Relief. I'm the maitre d' and these people

are eating and dining. This is Sue, hello. Sue is going to give me ?5

for a selfie, that's what she thinks I'm worth. He is a ?5. Do you want

to take the selfie? And, I'm not doing this on my own, I

have two friends to help me. In the kitchen I have head chef Micky

Flanagan is here and on deserts Valerie from Blake. What's going on

here? I've been making my source all day long. It would be wrong of you

not to. Am I going to lick the sauce off your fingers? Is it good? Please

donate to Comic Relief. Whatever got tonight? A Cockney special. What the

neck? Elk and eels. What is an elk? Basically a big winkle. I'll have a

few to go, please. They are on the demise, the elk. Val from Bake Off

is here. You are an amazing chef and every time you are on television

people say I look like you. Do you think is right, Micky, do you think

we look similar? I think she is much better looking to be honest! People

also say I look like Theresa May, based on these pictures. I'm not

sure that's fair, really! Do I look like Theresa May? Love it! What are

you making? I'm making a Friday Outrageous. What's in that? That was

impressive. Brownie, millionaire shortcake and then ice cream on top.

And it will look like this. I love it. With a red nose on top! We also

have a VIP area over here. This VIP area will have some very important

people in it, some celebrity guests. They are not here yet but it will be

very good. It's all to raise money out here. Out here... Look at me,

I'm here. In this bucket we will put all the donations in and try to get

as much money from these people in this restaurant. So it's all going

to go in there and we will do a count at the end of the evening. I'm

not eating bread so I am going to have some sushi. CHEERING AND

APPLAUSE Nice, thanks.

Over the years, all you fabulous schools have raised quite

a phenomenal amount for Red Nose Day, and 2017

This year you guys are on track to raise ?5.5 million!

Tonight, we'd like to say an extra special thank you to one school

in particular who've gone above and beyond.

I give you the students of St Nicholas Grammar

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Really good.

Fantastic. What's your name? Misha. What have you been doing to raise

money for Comic Relief? Basically I baked loads of red nose and Day

cakes and sold them at school. ?205. Brilliant, thank you. What's your

name and how have you been fundraising quest might I am Jamie

and I sat in a bath of baked beans in the middle of the school. People

supported me for how many hours I lasted. How long did you last? Five

minutes. Six hours. Amazing. Easy. How much did you raise? ?373. Lame.

Hello there. Are you excited to be

here on Red Nose Day These are just randoms

who smell like baked beans. That's because they've all been

doing their bit for charity. They'd said I'd meet famous

people if I came here. Comic Relief

isn't about getting on the telly That's handy, cos there

ain't no-one famous here. Listen, I'm sure you think you're

really funny, but everyone's here because they care about others

less well off and want to do their little bit

to make a difference. You have contributed zero,

helped no-one, and done nothing. And what's more, the whole country

has been watching you. What have you got to save yourself?

-- say for yourself? Look at my face, are you looking at

my face? Is any part of it bovvered? Look, face. I'm live on TV, I don't

care, not bovvered. Ed Sheeran, baked beans, shave your head, I

don't care, I ain't bovvered. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've been in Harry Potter, isn't it?

More of the boys coming up, plus we've also got Alan Partridge,

Peter Kay, Russell Brand, People Just Do Nothing,

Philomena Cunk, Toast Of London, Mrs Brown, Smack The Pony,

David Walliams, This Country, Frankie Boyle, Vic and Bob,

French and Saunders, Planet Earth, Graham Norton,

Greg Davies and part two of Carpool Karaoke.

And of course, not forgetting our feature presentation ? the return

of one of the world's best-loved romantic comedies.

It's been 13 years in the making and I'm so excited to say,

# At last # My love has come along. #

We'll do some of the song, you sing one and then I sing one, OK?

# Will be loving you till we're 70 # And baby my heart...#

It's been just over three years since the outbreak of Ebola killed

There aren't any live cases of it here now, but you still come

across the after-effects of it everywhere.

When was the last time you went to school?

I think that's going to happen, you got a beautiful voice.

The thing stopping her getting her dreams is coming you know,

The last thing I always wanted this trip to be was to

be the celebrity that comes over to Africa,

and cries on TV and says, send your money over.

I really wanted to come and like, be like

everything is positive, everything is great, and then...

I don't know, I was just singing with that girl,

and she was all really smiling, and then she just started crying.

And she just got really choked up about it.

You know, I watch Comic Relief every single

year, and this is always what celebrities do,

and I always think, is it ready that bad?

That's just one story, and she's the one girl that

came up to talk to us and was smiley

came up to talk to us and there's so many kids out

here who we tried to speak to, but just shut off.

And if she is the most smiley one, God knows what else

But here's the really important thing.

To get a little girl like Peaches back into school

for a whole year only costs 45 quid, so please give what you can.

You can really completely change lives tonight.

I'm so proud of Ed going out there - and what an amazing little

Please - all you need to do to change someone's life to give

And now, to perform a track off his new album, which literally

could be the Comic Relief anthem, it's Ed Sheeran himself

While you are watching, pick up the phone and donate anything you can.

# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon

# But God gave me a stage, a guitar and a song

# My daddy told me, "Son, don't you get involved in

# Politics, religions, other people's quarrels."

# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

# I know when I have children they will know what it means

# Just love and understanding, positivity

# We could change this whole world with a piano

# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

# Saying love could change the world in a moment

# Love can change the world in a moment

# Love can change the world in a moment

# The revolution's coming, it's a minute away

# I saw people marching in the streets today

# You know we are made up of love and hate

# But both of them are balanced on a razor blade

# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

# I know, I'm all for people following their dreams

# Just re-remember life is more than fittin' in your jeans

# It's love and understanding, positivity

# We could change this whole world with a piano

# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

# Saying love could change the world in a moment

# Love can change the world in a moment

# Love can change the world in a moment

# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

# You know, the future's in the hands of you and me

# So let's all get together, we can all be free

# Spread love and understanding, positivity

# We could change this whole world with a piano

# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

# Saying love could change the world in a moment

# Love can change the world in a moment

# Love can change the world in a moment

If you enjoyed that, you should check out some

of his stuff online and maybe give it a like and who knows, one day

And if you're craving more Ed Sheeran, remember,

we still have his fantastic collaboration with

How are you doing? He touched me. Hello. Lovely.

I assume they explained the special Comic Relief

rule ? silly tradition, really, don't know

why it still exists - which demands that all musical acts

must kiss, with passion and meaning, the tallest host.

I've just remembered something, it is the tallest female host that gets

the kiss, not... Richard Osman. Hello, and welcome to my special

World Cup of Biscuits! 32 biscuits started this journey on

Twitter. We have had 1.6 million votes already. People like biscuits.

We now have our eight favourite and we will reveal the quarterfinals for

you. It must be a privilege for you to be doing this. Rummage, watch how

he does it because he is a professional. Reveal our first

quarterfinal. Here goes. Jammie Dodgers. That is a big biscuit to

start with. You are not having it. They promise a lot but they deliver

very little. If you don't mind are not eating them for a fingers. That

is my son's favourite biscuit. Take them home with you. That is our

first quarterfinal. Our second quarterfinal. We have custard

creams. Is there anything you are going to have, Lenny? We will wait

and see but I am not having that. And custard creams will play

chocolate bauble and biscuits. -- chocolate bauble is.

I am sorry, I was kissing Ed Sheeran. We have done Jammie Dodgers

against chocolate fingers and custard creams against chocolate

bourbons. Chocolate hobnobs. And they are playing? A plane hobnobs. I

would not want to be Mrs hobnob right now. Lenny, finally, we have

chocolate digestive, classic. And who are they going to be playing?

The chocolate digestive plays against the Jaffa cake. Wooded you

do with my biscuit? I will cut you a nice slice of Jaffa cake. All of

those quarterfinals are now live on Twitter. Forgive me, I know you are

doing this at home as well. You can vote all evening in the semifinals

and the final, revealing the winner later in the evening. Now, thank you

to our friends at British Airways with Alexander Armstrong, a poor

woman's Bradley Walsh. Since 2010 British Airways customers

and staff have done a lot to improve the lives of vulnerable people in

Africa and here in the UK. Today I am here to say a massive thank you

and to give a little something back. You go and have a little break.

Excuse me? Yes sir, how can I help. This is an emergency. An emergency,

don't say you've been left home alone. He looks a little bit like...

That my friend is London and today is Red Nose Day. Have you remembered

your red nose? Did you forget to bring it? I think I've got a spare.

Sorry. Would you like another one? I'll be fine.

Don't know what his problem was... Anyway, about that massive BA thank

you. Thank you! Thank you to all the staff

and customers at British Airways I can reveal that this year,

you've raised an incredible... Now it's time for a little

treat from Radio 1's Just last week, they raised over

?300,000 for Red Nose Day with their 24 Hour LOLathon

and they're with us here tonight with the one

and only Innuendo Bingo. Some people like an innuendo,

some people don't. I like them. I like them as well but

I find it hard to laugh when Scott Mills is ramming it

down my throat. Hello, I'm Scott Mills

and this is Innuendo Bingo. Getting wet for Comic Relief tonight

is bingo veteran Chris Stark, who will tonight be going up

against stand-up comedian and king DRAMATIC MUSIC this is Innuendo

Bingo. Welcome to this first edition of

Innuendo Bingo. Are you OK? I'm very excited. I love getting wet and I

love innuendos. You get wet fast. If you are at home have not seen this

before, this is what Chris and Joel are in for tonight.

A lot of water. I was going to show your video but let's just get down

to it. Who loves Innuendo Bingo? Let's do this!

Here are the rules: You fill your mouths with water,

I play you a clip spotted by one of our Radio 1 listeners and we'll

For Comic Relief. First, five live. This is Phil Tufnell, who is listing

cricket players and some of his favourite things. Rashid or Ali, I

think Rashid, a bit of X Factor. And Broad, top-quality bowler, lot of

quality and skill. I like Plunkett and... Nothing funnier than will it!

Next it is time for Masterchef van der Wiel diesel of cooking, Greg

Wallace. Greg is a great presenter but sometimes during the show his

mind seems to wonder a little bit. I like the delicate look of your

plate, I really do. I like your chlorate and love the taste of the

morel mushrooms and love the natural saltiness... It's just missing

possibly the most important part and that is the sauce that brings

everything together. I'm desperate to dip that pork. LAUGHTER

Greg Wallace, everybody. Oh wow, Masterchef.

I'm desperate to dip that pork into something nice.

OK, this has escalated rather quickly. More water please, lads.

How much water? Now BBC breakfast and weather

presenter, the lovely... What happened there? It went up my nose!

Carol Kirkwood, we all love Carol Kirkwood but it seems here Carol is

taking desperate measures to boost her media profile. What a great

vantage point you've got there, Carol Have you had a chance to wave

to people over the balcony question I've had my photo taken down below

and treated. I've even had my photograph taken

down below untreated. The lovely Carol Kirkwood. Joel

Dommett! I'm a serious comedian! We have one more. Let's go for it,

this is the last one. We are going over to history today on Radio 4 and

they are having a fascinating feature about what people did for

fun... I'm going to immediately regret that decision! Sorry.

Here we go, Radio 4... This is what people did before the Internet came

along. Where somebody tethers de Kock to

the ground and people getting a baton and they throw a baton at the

clock and stun it so it can't get up... Guys... There's more, more.

That's not the end of the clip. It's a charity, Scott come on, let's go.

I love water. And then you run up and try to get

the Cockrell into your own hands... That's it, thank you very much, I

hope you all enjoyed the game. Have a good evening. I'm Scott Mills.

Thank you to Joel Dommett and Chris Stark. This has been Innuendo Bingo

for Comic Relief! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I need another T-shirt! Your money has been hard at work

across the UK. It finds people whose lives are really hard and tries to

help. You've provided comfort to families experiencing grief. Zara's

husband Lee took his own life after a struggle with depression. I felt

like I'd been crushed. The shop, it takes the breath out of you. When

the charity got involved it was like, there's still hope. There are

people here to help. You've given relief to people in

pain. Cass started self harming when she was 11. It got to the point

where I was nearly suicidal. I got to the point where I was like

I need help now. I don't know if I'd Still be here without the wish

Centre. You ensure young carers get a break

from their responsibilities. Becca has been carer should she was five.

Sometimes I can't help my mum because she's very hurting. I calm

her down if she's upset. A project you fund means she can

meet other young carers and have some time for herself. And give

young people bright futures. David was on the streets as a young

teenager. You know when you don't understand your emotions, it boils

up? Now I feel I have a chance to really turn my life around.

You've helped older people feel less alone, Derek who sadly let lost his

wife to dementia last year. I felt absolutely empty. Now starts

the lonely as part of my life. I was very pleased to find a place like

the luncheon club and get over this fear of loneliness.

You cash has reached over 12 million people in need across the UK,

dealing with all sorts of tough things from depression to domestic

violence, from young carers to older people. In the UK wherever you are

you are likely to be within 20 miles of the nearest Comic Relief project.

This is your opportunity to help people in your community, people who

need your help right now. Your money can and will change lives. To

give... I used to think about Comic Relief

as mainly focusing on Africa, Your cash tonight will help hundreds

of thousands of people leading really tough lives all over the UK -

in fact, wherever you are, it's likely you're never

more than 20 miles away Or you can give with

a simple text message. You can also donate by cheque made

payable to Red Nose Day 2017. And you can take your money to any bank,

building society or post office. You have the power to change your life.

Forget about Facebook, forget about tweeting how good-looking Warwick

Davis is an Comic Relief. Donate right now.

All right, coming up in just a bit, we've got Alan Partridge,

But time now to go back to sunny Los Angeles for more Carpool Karaoke

with four people who have supported Comic Relief for years and years,

It's a shame James Corden doesn't drive a Delorean,

they could go back in time and do it with Robbie like the old days.

# Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup.

# In the twist of separation, you excelled at being free.

# Can't you find a little room inside for me?

# Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good.

# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it.

# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good...

Now, you guys have never tried to make it here,

but was there ever a point where you thought about

We had this hilarious meeting in London.

These two guys from the New York record company flew in,

and they literally spent an hour telling us, "We're going to do this,

We'll go to Vegas and do this radio thing and then we'll hit them

with marketing in New York and do all these chat shows..."

And what do you think, after an hour, full on?

The silence went down the line until it got to Howard.

I think you've just got to get the word out.

Will you listen to the music, and play it for friends?

Tweet it, Instagram it, do the whole thing, OK?

Your wives will love it, your kids will love it.

What are you going to tell people, sir?

Excuse me, gents, are you music fans?

I feel like we've got the word out there.

Are there any customers in there that are interested in new music?

This is our first big store performance, OK?

This is going back to the days of Woolworths and Our Price.

This is the stuff that breaks people.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Take That!

Ladies and gentlemen, for their first performance

as TT3 in Los Angeles, please welcome Take That!

# When the time grew near for me to show my love.

# Hiding from a word I need to hear now.

# But the nights were always warm with you.

# But the morning always comes too soon.

# Hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday...

Ladies and gentlemen, that was Take That!

Tell your friends, tell your friends!

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!

Tell you what, guys, it's small steps, but we're making inroads.

Is there anything like us out here, James?

Wow, I think you'll all agree there's nothing quite

Just driving along in my car in La La Land. Not the film, that would be

silly. I have no interest in jazz piano. I'm famous these days and

glamorous but I still get lonely when I'm driving along in America.

No, not yet, I haven't got that bit yet. I'm still driving. It would be

very dangerous to... I wish I had a celebrity friend. All right, get in.

Oh, God! It's very dangerous. And you are? Tonight, Matthew, I'm...

Are you going anywhere near Port Talbot? You are Welsh? Yes. Are you

Aled Jones? I'm Bonnie Tyler. Are you going to do the accent? You are

doing very well for yourself, aren't you? Well, I have got a foot in

America and a foot in England, and the world in between. I'm straddling

the Atlantic at the moment, which is quite painful in these tight jeans.

What are we doing? So, Bonnie Taylor, if you be she, let me tell

you how this is going to work. I'm going to put on some music so that

we can have some music in the car. If it's a song you know, singalong.

# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely

# Turnaround # Every now and then I get a little

bit tired of listening to the sound # Every now and then I get a little

bit nervous # Turnaround

# Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the

look in your eyes # Turnaround, bright eyes

# Every now and then I fall apart # And I need you now to might

# And I need you more than ever # If you'd only hold me tight, we'll

be holding on forever # And will only be making it right

# Because we'll never be wrong # Together we can take it to the end

of the line # Always in the dark

# I really need you tonight # For other's going to start tonight

# Once upon a time I was falling in love

# Now I'm always falling apart # There's nothing I can do

# Total eclipse of the heart. # Get out. Thank you. Goodbye. What

was that about. You can't do that. Lovely singing from French and

Saunders. We are in Pizza Express and we are doing bread nosed a. We

are in Pizza Express, and there are actual customers here, eating actual

food, prepared by these guys. We are on top of it now. I have to ask,

what has happened to your top? It is getting hot. If you can't stand the

heat, make a crop top. It suits you. In the next link, will you be naked?

Hopefully. Avoid the sausage. You seem panicked. It is too much for

me. We have a VIP. You are joking! Not at all. It is only Pat Sharp.

Actual Pat Sharp is here. Thank you for joining us in our VIP area.

There are no VIPs. We asked Chico but he demanded a high fee. True

story. Micky would like you to have a pizza for free, but there is a

challenge. Micky will explain, in his lovely crop top. It is such a

horrible image. You liar, you love it. The challenge is, if you drop

it, you have to make a donation and eat it. If you catch it, we will

make a donation. 20p. It is like a farmhouse game. One, two, three. He

caught it. Pat Sharp! If you have donated, thank you. There is a video

to thank you from some lovely people.

I am at BT, where people man the phones, take donations and use

technical prowess to make sure the hundreds of thousands of phone calls

keep rolling in, not to mention all of the fundraising activities staff

get involved with our pants down the country. Loving your work, guys. I

have come here today to get hands-on with the team. This lot have got it

all covered. They never miss a call, you know. Speaking of which...

Hello, Comic Relief. How much would you like to donate? Hello. How much

would you like to donate? Speak up. How much would you liked to donate.

It must be you. Can you check the volume on your equipment. It is not

a piece of equipment. I'm sorry. How much would you like to donate to

Comic Relief? Nailed it. Just the thank you to go. That will come in

handy. So a massive thank you to

all of the staff at BT and to all of the volunteers tonight

taking your calls. Do keep calling, because it

changes people's lives. Your generosity year after year

has been so amazing - and so this year, we sent two people

who had given money to have a look at the kind of place

the money could go. This is such an interesting film

about a mother and daughter from Bradford and a remarkable

grandmother and granddaughter This rubbish dump is where all

of Nairobi's waste ends up. But as well as normal

household rubbish, it's full of awful fumes,

and chemical fires. And in and amongst all of that,

there are families trying to earn It's here that we met Irene

and her granddaughter, I've never seen anything

like this, like, it is... It's a lot worse than

I imagined it being like. You have to collect

lots and lots of these? You know, she should be at home

and her age, and taking it I couldn't imagine my

mum having to do this. Before it got too dark, we had

to leave this place because at So, we headed back to their house

to spend the night. How many people altogether

sleep in this bed? We soon found out that this

was the first meal they'd And she's never going to know

when she's going to I suppose that's

what you've got to do. # Heads,

shoulders, knees and toes, # And eyes and ears

and mouth and nose... The next day we were up

early to face another Who is going to look after the boys

while you are down there? It's heartbreaking to think

they are going to be And then, you'd be

worrying about if they're going to wander off,

if anybody is going to

come and take them... As a parent, you keep your kids

are safe as you can. It must be so hard for her,

I don't know how she does it. Would you like to go

to school instead of It'll be great if we

could help her together. It costs just ?50 to get a girl

like Lynette into school. don't put it off -

don't make a cup of tea. If you've got any cash

to spare, all you need to do Next up, she's responsible

for the biggest comedy phenomenon of the millennium and Mrs Brown has

put time aside to share a special We hope you're having a very special

night over there in Red Nose land. It's all change over

here in the house. We've a brand-new show, not

something we thought we'd ever see, but there are many things in life

that you don't often get to see, like grandad making it

through another night. Or Winnie remembering

what she came in for. But tonight, we'd like to share

with you an exclusive cheeky,

sneaky peeky clip from the pilot of our brand-new Saturday

night extravaganza show. I don't know why they call it

a pilot, there's certainly no Would you put "To Winnie,

have a wonderful night". "It would be a pleasure

to perform for you". "And when you call, talk slowly

with a husky voice". Don't put your name

on it, doesn't matter. That's where you get your

good manners from, son. When you meet a lady,

you say hello and give her a kiss. Before you go and sing your song,

would you sing one of my favourites? It's by Tony Bennett,

it's called Fly Me To The Moon. Would you mind me

giving me a few bars? Ladies and gentlemen,

Aston Merriweather rubber glove. # Let me see what spring

is like on Jupiter and Mars. If you did, the best

thing you can do tonight is to show your support by donating

online at bbc.co.uk/rednoseday. Or pick up the phone

and call 03457 910 910. And with a bit of luck,

we can help change lives, OK, still to come,

we have more from the genius-es-es that are French

and Saunders, a visit from Toast

of London and, of course, we have the highly anticipated

Love Actually reunion. Love Actually was of

course the story of this hilarious woman who falls

madly in love with Mr Darcy and keeps a diary

of all her escapades and has all these hilarious

friends and she? That granny pants

scene is brilliant. Some things that happen for the

first time... # Seem to be happening again and so

it seems that we have met before # And laughed before and loved

before # But who knows where #.

You see what I'm saying? Can't wait to see those

iconic scenes from Of course I am. Do you know what I'm

talking about? Of course I do. Now, it's Mother's Day on Sunday,

so what better gift for Mum And you're having a great time?

Great, yes. What's best bet? Travelling you in the car here.

Rubbish. We're meeting loads of exciting

people, like this guy. Hello, hello mate. See, having all

sorts of banter? The good news is mum is going to be with me all

night! OK, not like that. I thought you were sending me home early to

watch that programme. You are supposed to read the joke of there!

Eulas poster say Nope, you're giving me

a lift home, remember? Plus, later on, we'll

be playing Your Mum. oh, that's it? My programme is gone?

You are not sticking to the autocue! So glad I got you on.

You wouldn't understand, it's a young person thing.

OK, Mum, time now for a really special treat from Norfolk's, sorry,

North Norfolk's greatest export and broadcast legend.

Absolutely! LAUGHTER Absolutely! LAUGHTER

Hello, I'm Alan Partridge, and I love to laugh. That's why I've been

happy to get involved with Comic Relief down the years. From this

occasion when a hotly tipped young boxer thought he could have a dig at

me. I waited until he looked the other way and, bang! And this

occasion when I did what I can only describe was a bread sneeze.

I'm so sorry! But this year the team at Comic

Relief HQ called me with an even bigger proposal. They said Alan, we

have a great idea, you in a hot air balloon shaped like a red nose,

floating from London to Cornwall with Russell Howard on George

Galloway. I said, I've got a better idea, I'll do a package of clips

with a voice over. So join me as we enjoy some classic

fund-raising moments in Alan Partridge's red nose strong cup --

stonkers. This man is having his legs waxed, eight procedure

traditionally associated with a woman. Come on, that's funny,

surely? I only waxed myself smooth completely once in a school trip to

Anglesey because a man told me to. Alan Partridge's Red Nose Day

stonkers. Hang on, Giants playing guitars?

Hang on, these are miniature guitars known as the ukeleles. This being

the North of England where their diets tend to contain slightly less

protein due to lower wages. If you're struggling to make up the

comic angle, there's a red wig and a woman dressed as a car park

attendant! There, really funny. Alan Partridge's stonkers.

What the heck is going on? This is called gunging. Noel Edmonds has

made a career from it although he keeps the recipe close to his chest,

along with some of his tax arrangements.

This is wonderful, beans in a bath. A real Comic Relief staple. A word

of warning to anyone considering this, you will come out with a rash

if you stay in them too long. Never, ever fall asleep in beans, it will

stay on your skin to look what are very friend funny said to look like

a woman's tan. I know people will grumble about hygiene because the

beans have had a bath with a young man but I am sure that the young

woman they'd pay extra! Chris Christoph isn't here, no

relation... And he's off! Up, up, up. Of course, the inflatable slack

in the ball was made with a pig's blatter but now they've been

replaced with Robert -- robber inner tubes. Not that anyone eats them,

not even the Chinese! We should send a view to Eamonn Holmes, fried up, a

bit of ketchup. What are we missing quest me, me, me. Right foot... Put

him off! Brilliant, classic. And with that it's back to the comedian.

Bye-bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Alan Partridge there, a great broadcaster still in his prime.

Now, here's a little film from someone who has been

with Comic Relief from the very start, the greatest

stand-up comedian of our - or really any - generation.

Hello, Billy Connelly here asking for your cash.

I've got cancer and Parkinson's, and I definitely need a

We've got people all over the UK older than me who

are really living tough lives, and I'd love you to help them.

One evening, she turned round and she looked at me

And the bottom dropped out of my world then.

This is Jo, she was diagnosed with dementia at just 57 years old.

It was a devastating discovery for her and her

And she said, unfortunately you've got early-onset

And this is Margaret, struggling to cope with

the loss of her husband, the love of her life.

Where do you go when your soul mate, partner, lover, has gone?

And you, you amazing people out there.

Young, old, and somewhere in between.

Your cash helps people like this, grand people who life has

And I'd ask you tonight to do it again, or

Although if it's the first time watching Red Nose

Day, you probably don't even know me!

I'm the hilarious comedian with a weird

beard, who once took off all my clothes for Comic Relief.

What matters is you, tonight, at home, and this

amazing power to completely change someone's life.

I really hope you'll find it in your hearts to give

It'll be simple and marvellous and you'll be so proud of yourselves.

You can be part of a life-saving miracle tonight, if you can just

I can't deny I find that pretty moving.

He's been doing stuff with Comic Relief for half his life.

The things he did were always so great.

You can't get Billy to say what you want him to.

He'll say what he wants and always pitch perfect.

The vast continent? full of promise and

The client's pretty strict, and has told us that after

you say the word Africa, he'd like you to come in

with "the vast continent" exactly a 50th of a

Yeah, the timing is crucial on this, Steven.

I've heard of Tony Curtis and Ian Kirke is of Joy Division.

If he's trying to sell Africa, tell him he's made it sound pretty

That was a 16th of a second too long.

Len Fandango, I'm Clem Fandango's half brother.

The feeling here, Steven, is that everyone thinks

The client has specifically asked if you'd mind wearing the red nose

Nope, sorry, Steven, we've got to get it exactly right.

It's not that difficult, it's just a question of timing.

Well, if you're such an expert, why don't you

Africa, a vast continent, full of promise and

That was exactly one 15th of a second.

That was no different to how I did it.

One more time, Steven, then we'll call it a night, eh?

Sorry, Steven, too slow, it's just not happening.

I think we'll just go with Len, he can obviously nail

Yeah, thanks, Steven, I'll lay it down tomorrow.

Sorry, Steven, it's Comic Relief, no one gets a taxi.

You'll have to get the tube, I'm afraid.

And leave the nose. What? What the hell are you laughing at?

Let's keep the ball rolling - specifically, tiny chocolate balls ?

as we say a big thank you to the good people at Maltesers.

Hello. I am here with the hard-working Maltesers team, where

they are having a sale to raise money for Comic Relief, and I hear

there is a prize for the best cake, so I am getting involved. As part of

the baked a million campaign, people have been baking beautiful cakes.

For every photo posted online Maltesers are donating ?5. This is

my entry. Where will I put it? Our guest judge has been expecting you.

Brilliant. This way, please. Oh, my giddy aunt, Jack Nicholson. I have a

greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. Clearly a very busy

man. Try this. Come on, Jack Nicholson, tell me the truth. You

can't handle the truth! Come on. It wasn't that bad. This bit is nice. I

would rather you said thank you and went on your way. Passive

aggressive! Well? First prize, don't ask any questions. All that remains

to be said is a great egg thank you! -- a great league thank you.

After all their help this campaign, it's with great pleasure that I can

reveal that they have raised the very sweet total of...

Now is as good a time as any to take that money,

add it to everything else we've raised so far and

announce our first total of the night.

Warwick and Rob, how much are we looking at so far?

Now, as this is the first big total of the night,

we wanted to display it on something truly massive.

We searched all over the O2 and let me tell you,

So tonight, I can proudly announce that the total raised

That means children in school and more vaccines in the world's

poorest communities, and more care for young carers,

for older people all over the UK,

for people dealing with mental health issues.

It's a big number that's going to help a huge number of people.

Thank you so much to everyone who has donated so far.

And thank you, Rob, for your help with that one.

My face is hurting. What are you saying?

Time now for a quick update from the World Cup of Biscuits.

Hello, there, everyone, welcome back to my World

We are about to find out who the semifinalists are. The first

quarterfinal was the jammy dodger against chocolate fingers. This was

a 51-49 split, super close. And the first semifinalist is chocolate

fingers. Congratulations to the chocolate fingers. I am pleased

about that. I hate jammy Dodgers. Second semifinal, this was 55 and

50. But just in the lead, custard cream is our second semifinalist.

Happier with that? Custard cream versus chocolate fingers is our

first semifinal. The second quarterfinal, 55-45 to the chocolate

hobnob. I am pleased with that. Good voting so far. Chocolate digestives

or Jaffa cakes? Jaffa cakes are a biscuit. The winner is, 51-49,

chocolate digestive. Those are your semifinals. If you go on Twitter now

you can vote right now on that. Thank you, Miranda. And now a film

about malaria. The progress here has been amazing

in the last 10 years - hundreds of thousands less children

dying each year. But we'd love not to stop till it's

wiped out completely. With your help, the number

of children dying from malaria each But malaria is still one

of the biggest killers Even though it is

preventable, and treatable. This is the children's ward in one

of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most of the children

here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so consuming there

aren't enough beds to go around. She laughs, she cries, and,

like many children of her age, Her mother, Mary,

is desperately poor. There aren't any malaria testing

kits in her village. So she's had no choice

but to walk for three hours, carrying her daughter

to the nearest hospital. All the time, her little girl's

blood was being destroyed Doctor Columbo is doing

everything he can to save her. If only Mtunduwatha had been

diagnosed even a day earlier, she might not now be fighting

for her life. ?30 you'd give would pay for 100

children to be diagnosed. That was the voice of

David Tennant there. and I remember an appeal he did

a few years ago and him being in this malaria hospital

and saying "Don't be the person who says I'll call tomorrow -

don't be the person who puts it off and then realises a week later

they never actually gave any cash". Please, right now -

if you can - to save a life, Right, time to go back, way back,

all the way back to the '80s, Here I am again, massively

successful, friends with everyone, especially huge stars. Who would

have thought it. Bond, from Gavin and Stacey, taking over the whole

world. But I still need, remarkably, celebrity friends to help me get...

I'm not ready yet. I haven't talked about myself enough. Wait a minute.

Just get in. You can't stop on this road. It's very dangerous.

I'm not a white woman. American, my way to Motown. Gladys. Gladys Knight

and the pips. I have not got the pips with me. Not the singing pips.

Those particular pips are six inches lower than last year.

I'm going to put on some music and randomly, one of your songs might

come up. If it does... Not one that you just look good singing. Will you

join me if it comes on? Oh, I know this one. Come on, everybody.

# (Too much for the man, he couldn't make it)

# So he's leaving a life he's come to know, ooh

# The world he left behind not so long ago

# (Leaving on the midnight train), yeah

# To a simpler place and time, oh, yes, he is

Facts it get out, I've had enough of you, had enough of you. Make your

mind up. How do you get away with it?

Still to come, find out if romance is still blossoming in Love

actually. They're raising money for Red Nose Day. They say he's going to

be one of the biggest urban artists in the world.

And something very special coming from the roof of the O2.

Tonight, I've got a really special announcement to make., Fergie and

GSK have come together and forged a partnership. GSK have said they will

give ?3 million to fight malaria on the front line. So we can carry on

helping communities like this one here in Tanzania. So thank you so

much to GSK, and let's make malaria history.

And even more incredible is that statistic.

Malaria deaths in children under five have fallen by 71% since 2000.

And you have had a big part to play in that, so thank you.

And thank you to GSK, who haven't forgotten

there are still thousands of young children who desperately need our

Time for a much needed dose of hard-hitting journalism now.

Jeremy Paxman has nothing on these two.

I give you Donald and Davey Stott, The Stotts!

Welcome, we ask the questions. Who is our guests? Let's see who their

guest is tonight who will be interviewing this evening. It's the

correspondent, Susanna Reid. Susanna Reid!

Ladies and gentlemen, we know you all like a little exposure to cheer

you right up. Check this out, Susanna! One, two, three, go!

We've got use boiled onions, Susanna. Lovely. We boiled some milk

and Lemsip and butter. And a gift for you, Susanna, the gift that

keeps on giving, the greatest gift of all, jeans.

I'm very grateful, thank you, they're lovely. Good lass.

So Susanna, we ask the questions on the first question is this, you're

at home having a nice relaxing time after a hard day of newsreading.

Suddenly realise you are out of bog roll. You go to your blog and find a

?10 note, do you use that or just slip off one of your socks and use

that? Do I have to use either? It's that or your finger. You can use

your sock? I will now know to use my sock, if

I'm ever in that situation. OK. Susanna, you turn up at broadcasting

centre, you turn up and your pants back to front, has ever happened? I

have turned up with my frock on the wrong way. The next section is

cinema section. Susanna, have you seen Kong? Noone no. It's out now,

have you seen it? It's very heavy, with a twist in the middle. At the

beginning there a couple of little... I don't know what to call

them... It's quite hairy at the beginning. You could miss them quite

easily. I don't feel like I'm missing anything right now! Enough

about my crown jewels! Do you ever go to the pictures? Do you ever go?

I'm just trying to keep my eyeliner above here. Very well done.

When you are laid in bed with your husband Piers Morgan and he gets up,

does he leave a residue, an oily substance on the bottom sheet that

you can harvest and use to lubricate your tractor or lawn mower, for

example? Well, I didn't hear all of the question because I stopped

listening when you said laying in bed with my husband Piers Morgan. We

are not married. You got divorced? We are TV husband-and-wife. We share

a so far. Susanna, have you ever eaten brown

bread? I like a roll. Sophisticated lady.

Susanna, I have a last question for you. I'd like you to have a look at

this. We have a soft creature in it. Put your hand in and touch the soft

creature. Do I have to? Is it going to hurt? No. Just have a touch. Can

I look first? Hazard no. I don't know what it is. Have a good touch.

No! Ladies and gentlemen, Susanna Reid! Thank you very much everyone.

We ask the questions! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't know what I just saw... Graham Norton and

Jonathan Ross could both learn something from their

interview technique. Time now for another

film from Ed Sheeran. He went to Liberia a few

months ago to see first hand why your

donations are so crucial. It's quite odd, because I'm

on a beach, and you can hear You would assume that in hot

weather, a beach would be paradise. But this is far from it,

I've never felt so on edge in anywhere that I've been

in my entire life. Across Africa, millions

of the world's poorest children They're hidden away in any

crevice they can find. This is obviously where

they sleep every night. You do see them in the day

and they're kids, running around Then, you come here on the beach,

and there's loads of adults smoking and just these two tiny little thing

sleeping in a boat around all of that, in the middle

of Liberia's worst slum. How long have you been

living on the streets? What do you want to be

when you're older? What would you do if

you were the President? If JD goes to school now,

he will learn, he will succeed. But a couple more years

like this, I think that's it. He's already quite shut

off from the world. Once were done here,

we're going to pack up the camera and these guys are going to be

sleeping in their canoe at night with a lot

of dangerous people about. Wake up in the morning and try

and fend for themselves. This is the really harsh

reality for street children As you're tucking your children

into bed tonight, children like JD are huddling together,

sleeping outside, in danger, Ed, pretty strong stuff,

and that wasn't actually No - we were just

about to leave when A huge commotion started. There was

a guy a lot taller than you with JD in his hand smacking him and

smacking him. What? When the cameras were still rolling? Hazard I think

we got a little bit afterwards. Can we see a little bit more, what

happened after that? It really doesn't feel right leaving at all.

The only thing we can do... My natural instinct is to put them in

the car and take them and put them somewhere in the city, but them in a

hotel until we get them sorted. Can we do that? Please, tonight, pay for

them to stay in a house until we get them into school. It doesn't matter

how much it is. We'll get them in a house... With an older person to

look after them. That's the problem, they're so little. I don't think we

should go until that's sorted. We'll get you somewhere to stay tonight,

OK? These kids, you give them an

education, you give them hope. That's the main thing. I don't think

it's just a financial thing, it's someone saying, you can believe

this, and fulfilling a promise. This red they knows appeals... It tugs at

your heartstrings and you want to donate to help a child. I think

everyone here filming agrees we can't leave this place without

sorting these kids out so we are going to sort these kids out that

these kids are just five in a million, 2 million, 5 million, there

are so many kids in the same situation as these kids. It's

really, really important donate so we can get this these kids off the

street, into school and give them a future.

Yes, but that's only five in a lot. I've been told not to say this on

watershed but one thing we couldn't show you in the film with those boys

and a lot of the street boys get raped by older kids, which is even

more harrowing. Just to get the kids off the streets, and it's not even

that much, it would be like a tenner to take them out and put them in a

good school. Thank you so much for that and that film. Please everyone,

you can do exactly that. Save a kid from leaving a brutal life. You can

call... Or text YES to 70210

ten to give ?10. The busiest man in the world -

but maybe nothing more In just a moment we'll be

going back to Micky and Joe in our calamitous Comedy Kitchen,

we've got an exclusive Welcome to Your Mum: a little game

that unearths a few embarrassing secrets about our hosts and more

importantly, their dear mothers. We have Luisa and Helen. Romesh and

his mum and cajole and penny. -- Joel and penny. We have some photos,

look at that. Romesh, an original gangster even back then. Look at

that face! Here's how the game works. For the sons and daughter I

will read out some statements made by your mum and you have to think if

it was your mum or one of the other mothers by holding up your palate.

On one side it says my mum and on the other it says your mum. These

are all absolutely true facts your kids do not know about. This... Are

you ready. Here we go, fact number one, one of the mothers said this...

I lied to my child about how much I enjoyed their school play faster by

actually left at the beginning to go shopping instead. Wow. Whoever that

was, you are a horrible mum. Who do you think? Your mum or one of the

others? Let's find out which of the mums it actually was. Yes! Oh my

God! Is it any wonder I went into comedy after that? We are all

tempted to go to your gigs and walk out early but this must have been a

terrible show. I'm sorry I thought my mum left. You were straight up

with your response. It's the kind of thing she would do. One of the mums

said this, I once caught my partner talking to another woman, to get him

back I used his toothbrush to clean the entire house, sinks and toilets

as well. Was that your mum or one of the other mums? No one wants to take

responsibility. OK, mums, who is responsible? Ha-ha! Are you joking?

That such a maternal thing to do, because you get revenge but the

house is immaculate afterwards. Did you clean everything with the

toothbrush, the toilet? Only the tiles. Ha-ha! OK. Don't know if you

will still be talking after this one. One of the mums said, I have

snogged and 80s pop star. Which one of your mums had some fun with a 80s

pop star? Let's vote now. You want it to be true. I can tell you that

the pop star was Meatloaf. OK, which mum was it? What! You snogged

Meatloaf, really? We were very little. We were in the same primary

school. So you were young, but who was it? Curt Smith from Tears for

Fears. Shout, shout, take your tongue out. Now we are going to do a

question that one of the children had some information and the mums

don't know, this is the time for the mums to vote. Which of your kids

said this? My first kiss was with someone of the same six.

OK. You've think that you have and you have a gender fluid child. You

are fairly convinced that yours is a heterosexual young man, not keen.

Which of you was it? Boom, right in there. I hope it was beautiful. It

was amazing, but then he cheated on me. Let's face it, everyone is a

winner tonight, thank you. You all get to take home a Your Mum jersey.

Congratulations. But all the time we've got four Your Mum, ladies and

gentlemen. On Monday, Queen of the airwaves

Sara Cox donned her finest day-glo lycra for a Sounds Of The '80s

24-hour Danceathon. That was exhausting but she's back

on her dancing feet and is with us. That is demented but an incredible

achievement. It was pretty intense mentally and physically. My Radio 2

listeners came through like a storm and we raised ?1.1 million. I was

hoping we would do that otherwise it would have been really awkward.

Everyone really marked in, everyone donated. So why on earth, what

possessed you to agree to do that? I ask myself that question a lot.

There was a big booming voice that would say, 23 hours left. But I saw

the work that Comic Relief do in January, and basically they made me

do it. They do that, don't they? It's kind of tax. Just attacks on

having a lovely job -- a tax. Two years ago Dermot O'Leary danced the

24-hour 's. He looked like a man in Labour to me. It was like a really

long labour, friends rushing around. You've done it this time. Who are

you going to nominate for two years' time? A good friend and colleague

but he will hate me for this, I have just sent him a text message. He

loves music. When he was on strictly Len Goodman says he dances like a

stalker that's been hit by lightning and his name is Jeremy Vine. Jeremy

Vine -- like a stork. Still to come. Peter Kay, more from French and

Saunders. We stop the dancing now, it's finished. It was like four days

ago. I knew that. I totally didn't know that. I'm going to style this

out. I just feel that people, the nation at home need to see this body

in this outfit with an unsupportive bra doing some 80s moves. Hit the

music! Everyone at home, get up off your sofas.

Here's Joel Dommett and Lisa Snowdon with a special thank you to the guys

We are in TK Maxx for two special reasons. A massive thank you to

everybody who has bought and sold this amazing range of Comic Relief

merchandise and the superb fundraising activities. The second

reason is to sort this out. I like my body warm and my arms cold. With

the specially designed T-shirts, tea towels and aprons they are aiming to

raise the bar even higher and to be honest it couldn't get any lower.

You are so mean, what happened to you? Go and try them on. I'm really

insecure, you're not helping. Who are you? Sorry, are the changing

rooms this way? You have no style or sense of fashion. Why is everybody

insultingly? I'm not standing for this any longer. The Oscars are

stupid! Meryl Streep loves my outfit. Who are all these people? I

just thought you needed a second opinion. Anyway, time to say thank

you. I've got a great idea. Thank you! I can spell, ma'am!

Thank you to everyone at TK Maxx and also to our good friends

Warwick and I can now reveal that the total made

You want to do this? It's ?4,500,388. A huge thank you to

everyone for that amazing total. Still time to buy those brilliant

T-shirts and do your bit. Let's see how Joe Lycett

and Micky Flanagan are getting on. Remember, they're live

all night, running a pizza Joe, how are your

doughballs shaping up? We need 40 margaritas. 40, yes, 40.

Ten Hawaiians. Maybe let's do some spicy ones. All large. Bring them to

pizza express in the O2. It's not a joke. Yeah. Basically I've had

Mickey Flanagan doing them and he can't cook for his life. Just look

for Val. Basically what happened, Mickey hasn't made a decent pizza

all night and so what we've have to do is order dominoes. There is a

dominoes coming to pizza express. I don't think we are going to make a

lot of money for Comic Relief right now. We have a bucket with donations

people have made tonight. I dread to think how much people have put in.

Nicky has really let me down here. Let's have a look. Just wanted to

recreate that pose. I look nice there, don't I? Oh God. I mean, that

is dreadful, isn't it? That is not good. I'm going to have a word with

Mickey, where is he? What are you doing? I'm having a drink. We've got

to serve customers. Look how much we've learned. That's all right,

isn't it? Do you want me to put mine back, would that help? It was for

the cab home. It's still not enough. I'm talking to the girls. I'm like

an ornithologist, talking to the birds. I'm going to see if Pat Sharp

has got anything. We've only made ?40. Nice. Very nice, Pat. Ten quid

from Pat Sharp. He was on radio one back in the day. Val, how much have

you made? About ?130. Val's made ?130. What have you done? I'm

drinking. I don't think you've got a future in being in a restaurant, I'm

going to be honest. Have you had a nice time? Very nice. Thank you so

much, we will find out the final total on Graham Norton's show. We've

done our best. We've made a hundred quid. Up next is a video of things

going on up and down the country. Goodbye.

# You'll never feel happy # Until you try

# You'll never, never, never feel happy

# Until you try # You'll never feel happy

# Until you try # Everybody needs this happy thing

# Everybody needs this # Everybody needs this happy thing

# You'll never feel happy # Until you try #.

I've come to the children's ward at Redemption Hospital in Liberia.

I had some idea of what I might experience.

But nothing prepared me for seeing a child desperately ill,

This is Tabitha and her father, Alexander.

Tabitha's mum is seriously ill, so her father is taking

It's just awful to think that this still happens.

But there's a little girl who is so malnourished that her dad

One in every three children in Liberia suffers from malnutrition.

Put simply, they're not getting enough of the right food.

To try and get her temperature down, and to just feed her body,

but when we first got here, her little stomach was just

How they are as composed is amazing to witness,

you just sort of see incredibly skilled people saving a girl's life.

If her dad hadn't brought her today, she probably would have died?

All Tabitha's father can do now is comfort his little girl.

# One for the master, and one for the girl...

# And one for the little boy who lives down the lane #

When I left Liberia, I thought Tabitha

But when I got back, we actually found out that she had died.

Despite everything that happened, her dad insisted

To think that in 2017, there's still children in the world

And that's where you come in, if you donate money we can get

emergency food to children like Tabitha and they won't die.

So if you can spare some money, then please give generously tonight.

These things are very complicated but also simple,

in that we've seen time and time again how simple things can

make a huge difference, like vaccinations and health workers

helping parents do the right thing at the right time.

Sometimes, Red Nose Day is the difference

between life and death and you can be part of that right now

We know these films are very upsetting and had to watch, but

you're watching this you want to help and you can help.

Texts cost your donation plus your standard network message charge.

100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief.

You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill payer's permission.

For full terms and conditions and more information,

please go to bbc.co.uk/rednoseday, which is also where

And when you call up, don't forget about Gift Aid.

It's a great scheme that means if you're a UK taxpayer,

Comic Relief can claim back 25 pence for every pound you give.

That's an extra 25% on top ? at no extra cost to you.

So when you're asked, please say yes.

Now, a man who's done a lot for us over the years,

he's a Comic Relief hero, and one of my personal

Very excited about Peter here! That's the sort of response he

deserves. Every year, he does

something amazing for us - from the barn-storming

Amarillo Number 1, to last Comic Relief, when he and the cast

of Phoenix Nights raised over ?5 million with their live

show in Manchester. Well, this year, he's come up

with another very original plan which we're going to tell

you about in a couple of minutes. Meanwhile, a little

reminder of the glory # Is this the Way to Amarillo?

# Every night I've been hugging my Pirlo

# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo #. # Sit down, sit down, sit down next

to me #. # Wasn't he fine? Hazard

# So fine #. # I would walk 500 miles and I would

walk 500 more... #. Hurry up, I want a cup of tea. Keep

your hair on! This year, Peter has arranged

a rather marvellous and original If you are a fan of Car Share,

I think you might be about to go A man... A woman... A car... No, not

that car, that car! Are back. You've got mud all over your pants, come

here. I've got spit on them now. Car Share. Leave it, I'll get it off in

the bog. For one night only in 250 cinema screens across written, Comic

Relief proudly presents a very special night of Car Share, with a

very exclusive Q and a with Peter Kay and John Gibson, where you get

to ask the questions, including never before footage, outtakes, plus

the very first time ever, the world premiere of two brand-new episodes

of Kashi. Series two. So there you go - and tickets

for Peter Kay's special Comic Relief Car Share Night

go on sale... Yes, right now you can

buy your exclusive tickets via bbc.co.uk/rednoseday

and all the profits, pounds and pounds and pounds,

from every ticket sold The screenings are next Friday 31st

March, exclusive to all Vue You'll have one of the greatest

nights - and Comic Relief Thank you, Peter, and thanks

to everyone who goes - book now! OK, time to go back up to our

biscuit base with Richard Osman, who has the results of our

World Cup semi-finals. Welcome back to the semifinals of

the World Cup of biscuits. You've been voting in your hundreds of

thousands. Before we reveal the finalists, congratulations to all

the biscuits involved. They have shown themselves in a good way, all

drug tested and they are free of them. A brief worry earlier when I

thought I'd been hacked because of a Russian biscuits leading the

semifinal but it's fine. We will reveal the winner. What you think of

this semifinalist, Joel? Hazard excellent. I really like a custard

cream, I take it apart and then I beaver the middle.

OK... Rob? A very chocolatey... You know what upsets me most about the

fact the chocolate hobnob had to knock out its own brethren. It's

like the Miliband brothers all over again. Sally, look at these. I would

vote for the chocolate hobnob. I think a custard cream is boring. I

know it has an interesting texture on the top, but a tiny bit dull. And

they've started downsizing some other biscuits. When you get them in

a ten, their repressive. Other biscuits are being made custard

cream shape. This is getting a bit... Time to reveal our two

finalists. It is 50-50 in the first poll but I can reveal... We will get

onto that one in a second. Let's get to this one first, 51-49. In the

World Cup of Biscuits, you cannot complain if you didn't vote, this is

your fault. The first semifinalist is... Chocolate digestive. Chocolate

digestive! Classic old school chocolate digestive. Noone they

don't like the oats, do they? Noone they don't like

the oats, do they? If someone can tell me if it will be

the chocolate fingers... Or the custard cream? The poll is ending

any second now and it is 50-50. So exciting! It is two biscuits. The

winner is chocolate fingers! I am disappointed. That is the final,

chocolate digestive against chocolate finger. There are the

details on screen. Please vote responsibly. Now you have the Red

Nose Day Love actually premiere coming up but first, time to go back

to our karaoke Queen 's. Here I am again, Obama. You won't

know who this one is, it's unfathomable. Will you just wait

till I've stopped the car? Stop now. OK, get in. You can't stop on this

road, it's very dangerous. Hello. No idea. Brand-new hoodie and trainers,

is it wrap? Crime, you idiot. You dirty girl. Shut up. I'm going to

crimp my pig. And go to my hood and see my gal. Listen to me, this is

how it's going to roll, I'm going to put some music on...

# Went to the show sitting in the front row

# In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown

# Yeah, take time if a man wanna try me, no time

# I pick up the mic and it's reload time

# That's why I got gigs just like Joe Grind

# Don't care 'bout the no smoking sign

# This ain't a culture, it's my religion

# But if a man wanna try me, trust me, listen

# Went to the show sitting in the front row

# In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown

We're here, we're here. Thank God for that! Get out. Come and meet my

girl, you're like! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, they're two of a kind.

Give it up for the legends that are Dawn French and

Here's Rob Brydon with a special thank you to our

The amazing people who shop and work at Sainsbury's in fundraising,

buying Red Nose Day goodies. I'd come along to say thank you. You may

have bought one of these red noses or a wristband, thank you Charlotte,

or even a mug, thank you, Poppy. You may have even taken part in

fundraising activities yourself, however large or small, you have

helped to change peoples lives. You see, really is money well spent...

Sorry, I thought I turned it off. Hello? You are supposed to call me.

Highly, I'm doing a call for Comic Relief. I don't know who you are. A

thing to do, it's Rob, you called me. I don't know what you want to it

would be wonderful if you made a donation to Comic Relief. I don't

have money but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.

Really, if you know how to operate a till, Sue is feeling a bit peaky and

we could do with some help on checkout five. I will look for you,

I will find you. I'm sure you will, we're in aisle seven near the

biscuits. Sorry about that, Liam is a bit intense. Back to the reason

we're here, a big thank you to everyone that...

That that's taken you by surprise. Ready everyone? Thank you!

Thank you so much to everyone at Sainsbury's and thank

you to all of you at home who have gone into stores and bought your

Right, this is totally incredible because we can now reveal

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Incredible, the highest ever

donation on the night! In five minutes, Red Nose Day

Actually, but first it's over to Lenny, who has a crucial

message for us all. And sure you've been expecting this.

I just wanted to take a moment to talk about the terrible famine that

spin on the news in the last few weeks.

We've been going a long time together now, you and us.

Back in 1985, there was a crisis in Ethiopia, a famine

of biblical proportions, and some bright spark thought

"I know, let's send in a bunch of comedians to help" ? worst idea

ever, but together it's evolved and we're proud -

I'm so very proud of what we have achieved together.

At Comic Relief, we're committed to long-term change.

We give people a leg up and gradually change or communities for

the better. But sometimes, big stuff happens

which upsets a whole country. Two years ago we gave life-saving

help when Ebola struck. And now there's a crisis in four countries

in Africa. It's real and it's very frightening. More than half the

population of Yemen is hungry, half a country. To my people don't know

where their next meal is coming from. There's no food at all and

parents are watching their children die of hunger before their very

eyes. We set up Comic Relief after a famine and it would be crazy not to

give some of that cash tonight to help this intense emergency. Now

you, the brilliant and generous British public, have the power to

save lives right now. If you can't part with some cash tonight and next

week we can reach families who are literally starving to death. This is

an opportunity right now, to be part of the news in a good way, to save a

life tonight. Please, please, please give what you can. You know the

details but I'm going to save again, so you can see how easy it is do. Go

online... Or pick up the phone and dial 03457

910 910 and when someone answers, proudly tell them that

you're part of the team, you want to give some

of your own money to help others. If you can give us ?20,

text yes to 70020. If you can afford a tenner,

text yes to 70010. . We are finally within touching

distance of Red Nose Day Actually and we will find out what happened

to all our favourite characters from that great movie. Before I go any

further I'm meant to be interrupted right now.

Before you go any further, I need to remind everyone

At ten o'clock, don't forget to switch over to BBC Two,

where I will be hosting a very respectable show for Red Nose Day.

That just so happens to be in a hot tub on top of The O2.

And there will be a planet Earth special. That's amazing, don't miss

that. That may look like a giraffe, it is

actually a lion in a novelty giraffe costume. Like all novelty costumes

used in the wild there are no eyeholes as without opposable thumbs

it's impossible for the lion to use scissors. That's the third spectator

he's hit this mile. As I was saying, we are just

a few minutes away from? I'm being interrupted again. Graham

Norton, ladies and gentlemen. You're not going to give Greg a plug

for his show and not mine, are you? I'll be on BBC One after the news

hosting my Big Chat Live, a one-off totally live chat show

for Comic Relief! With over 30 guests. It sounds

hideous. It's going to be epic. Don't miss

Graham and his enormous couch. You love films, don't you?

Right, I cannot believe I'm about to say this.

Back together on the big screen for the first time

MUSIC: God Only Knows by The Beach Boys.

I'll get it. I'd be without you.

He's not going to believe that, it's March.

They're raising money for Red Nose Day.

Give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.

JO WHILEY ON RADIO: And tomorrow is Red Nose Day and we hope everyone

will be giving a little cash to this great cause.

Maybe even our Prime Minister himself, back in Number Ten

Here's a little song to loosen your loose change.

# You used to call me on my cell phone.

# And I know when that hotline bling.

# You got a reputation for yourself now.

# Everybody knows and I feel left out...

# You started wearing less and goin' out more.

# Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor.

# Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before.

How many times have I told you not to dance down the stairs?

When I hear that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing.

I liked it best when you worked for me.

So, Billy Mack, welcome back to the airwaves.

Billy, you have released a charity single, and it's a cover version

of the ZZ Top classic Gimme All Your Lovin'.

Yes, except we've changed the word "lovin'" to "money".

a wonderful charity supporting children.

No, the truth is, I like the kids who buy my records.