Red Nose Day Comic Relief


Red Nose Day

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Welcome to another grey day in London town. Don't worry, it's Red

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Nose Day. # It's time to bring

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the goofballs out # We're here to persuade

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you not to go out on the lash # Chill out,

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relax and give some cash # And rounded up the talent

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who had sod all else to do # So we jumped into our cars

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and now we're here at the O2 MUSIC CHANGES TO

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"GANGNAM STYLE" BY PSY # You won't believe

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that we all showed up # To fill your cup

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with Red Nose glee Ladies and gentlemen,

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this is Red Nose Day 2017. Please welcome Jonathan Ross

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and Sir Lenny Henry. Welcome to the only show

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in the world that needs a government health warning ? yes,

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we are live, yes, we are dangerous and yes, if rehearsals

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are anything to go by, we are going to get

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in trouble with the BBC! But what the heck ? it'll be worth

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the ban if we can raise Are you with me?

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As for that opening, how annoyed would you be

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when you heard the traffic report? "There are severe tailbacks

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at Junction 11 on the M4, owing to a spillage of annoyingly

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upbeat musical theatre graduates We're live from Building Six

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at the O2 ? yes, we've not even been we've been kicked out

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of buildings one to five. Now, Lenny, I don't think anyone

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will disagree with me when I say that you are the Daddy

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of Red Nose Day, which, I suppose by default,

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makes me the Mummy of And technically, that means this lot

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must be our Comic Relief offspring. Ladies and gentlemen,

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meet the kids, starting with... And we give you an actor,

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a presenter, a writer and director. You can't put this guy in a box,

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because it's considered "cruel". Do you want to explain to everyone

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why you're holding a towel, I was told tonight that

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I'd be hosting my very own portion of Red Nose Day,

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which I was told would be And from one impressive package

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to another, here's a look Coming up:

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Take That and James Corden on Carpool Karaoke. Find out what

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happened in the return of Love actually. Jeremy Kyle faces his

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toughest guest, Jeremy Kyle. Shut up! Ed Sheeran gets the treatment.

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Come on, I said a little bit of the guitar. Stop getting carried away.

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Stars join Graham Norton on his biggest ever so far. Russell Brand

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will bring you the best stand-up comedy. And Noel Fielding and

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Jonathan Ross guide you through Comic Relief's most fantastic beats.

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All this and more on tonight's Comic Relief.

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Vic and Bob, French and Saunders, Joel Dommett. Rag'n'Bone Man. Global

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megastar, the one and only Ed Sheeran.

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You went from "global megastar, Ed" to "and Miranda Hart"?

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Sorry - first lady of comedy and queen of all our hearts.

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Right, Comic Relief hosts, studio audience, audience at home,

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Tonight, I intend to serve as your, what I call, "roaming host".

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I wish to make sure you're all fed, watered, relaxed, comfy, energized.

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Now, come with me as I roam hither, and thank goodness I did

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hither roam, for look, it's the Richard Osman!

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Tall, pointless Richard Osman, what's going on here, please?

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Tonight, Miranda, in honour of Comic Relief's long

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history with baked goods, I'll be running

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It's an online poll to find out once and for all,

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Voting will continue throughout the night. Exciting times.

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Until then, have a nibble on me, by which I mean take a custard

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I meant one custard cream, not the plate.

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There might be somebody else -- summit else who wants something off

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my trolley. Do you want something from the

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trolley? No. They look awful. Try one.

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Now, let me ask you, with the utmost love,

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Well, all evening, I'm going to be putting in a shift and working

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at the local pizza joint for the whole evening.

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And get this, I'll be sharing the experience with the tour de

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He's firing up the ovens, God help us.

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Get back here soon. Look at all these people! We are going under.

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Get back here. Get back! We'll see how you're

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getting on later. In three minutes, it's James Corden

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in Carpool Karaoke, but first, time to remind ourselves

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what tonight is all about - making miracles happen

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with a bit of cash. He is suffering with

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severe malnutrition. # Could you take care

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his life is in danger. He's got chubby cheeks,

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and every chance of a And that's thanks to you,

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the money you raised to help These are packed full

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of nutrients and are amazing for malnourished

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children like Divine. They're very often the difference

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between life and death. Really - that's the truth of it -

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donations tonight can really be the difference

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between life and death. And your money is needed now more

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than ever, because of course sadly over the last few weeks,

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we've been getting some dreadful news from East Africa,

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where famine is spreading. And this has been a sad we get home.

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We send love and thoughts to those affected by events in Westminster on

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Tuesday. Tonight is an opportunity to save lives. Your generosity, year

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after year, proves how much more there is that unites us than divides

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us. Every donation is a good deed. It's our first amazing

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Comic Relief Special of the night - with James Corden and

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special guests Take That! I thought we were going to drive

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around, have some fun. I don't care if he's sleep,

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go and wake him up! Take That, Carpool Karaoke

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for Comic Relief. # I don't know

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what you're waiting for # Your time is coming,

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don't be late, hey, hey # So, come on, see the light

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on your face # Let it shine,

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just let it shi-i-ine. This is the first time I've spent

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any real time with you as a three. I figured out that if I leave,

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I think Gary and Mark If you leave, Howard,

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it's Robson and Jerome. to be here now in this

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car is unreal for me. # Today this could be

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the greatest day of our lives... # And the world comes alive, oh, oh,

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oh # Watch the world come alive

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tonight How has touring changed now compared

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to what it was like in the '90s? I don't know what it's

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like for you guys, but sometimes, You've got families,

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you've got a home life. We're meeting people

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before you go on. Sometimes, I can't wait to get

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on there for a bit of peace. Because it's two

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hours when no one... It's two hours where I put my ears

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in and it's just me, my brothers and the audience,

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and it's brilliant. I almost don't want to come off,

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because I know I'm going back They're the same people,

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but they're all older. So where they used to throw

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bras and underwear, now, Well, it used to be teddies

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we used to get thrown. Do you have a creche,

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a Take That creche? That would be a real

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moneyspinner, I think. Everything Changes

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During The Menopause. # As I looked away,

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I saw a face behind you. # And when I looked again,

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I saw his face was shining. I thought of a quiz

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that you could play. So you pick one and leave

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one, which of the two? When was the last time

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you had a full English? The problem with me is,

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if I start eating food like that, I keep this photo of you, Howard,

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in the car at all times. I keep it in the car

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at all times, just for me. LAUGHTER

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Just for me! I'd have lights on, though,

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with that body, wouldn't you? With that body, my lights

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would be on all the time. # As hot as the sun,

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as hard as a stone. Howard's dreads, or

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Gary's bleached hair? I stayed at his mansion,

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And because I was staying there and I had my dreadlocks, he put

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# Never forget where you're coming from.

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# Someday soon, this will all be someone else's dream.

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Well done lads, fantastic, it was great, wasn't it?

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Stay tuned for part two, where we'll find out if James can

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help the boys to finally crack America.

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Tonight, we're committed to changing lives right here in the UK, so

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here's a film about an amazing little girl called Becca.

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This is Becca, and her good friend, Izzy. They are both nine years old

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and about to start their day. Good morning. Here's your codeine and cup

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of tea. Thank you. They lived in the same neighbourhood and are in the

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same class at school, but they lead two very different lives, because

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Becca is a young carer who looks after her mum. My mum has a lot of

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pain and she doesn't really want to move when it's hurting. Becca's mum

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condition means she can't do the things most mothers can and some

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days she is physically unable to look after herself, so Becca has to

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step in. You're welcome. Have a good swimmer.

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It's hard sometimes because you've got more responsibilities than other

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kids. It's been a long day for Becca and she has to do it all again in

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the morning. But just around the corner there is an amazing project

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funded by Comic Relief that's making a big difference. It gives children

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like Becca a break from their huge responsibility at home and a chance

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to have fun with other young carers. Shouldering the responsibility of

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looking after someone you love can be hard for anyone, but for a child

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it can be too much to bear. Sometimes I can't help my mum

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because she's very hurting. I calm her down if she's upset.

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Young carers, just like Becca, desperately need a bit of support.

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You can help them tonight. Please call...

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And tonight, you can actually help and support them,

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100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief. You must be 16 or over

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please asked the Bill Pryor's permission. For more information, go

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to the website. And that website is also where you can donate online.

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And let's talk about Gift Aid, if you make a donation there is an

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extra 25% on top at no extra cost to you. So when you are asked, please

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say yes because this is a night when every penny makes a huge difference.

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Now time to check in with the kitchen nightmare and Joe Lycett.

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Hello, welcome back to Pizza Express! Pizza Express, if you're

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not familiar... Look, actual customers here. It sort of like

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Pizza Hut but the customers here have jobs. These actual people are

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here to give money for Comic Relief. I'm the maitre d' and these people

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are eating and dining. This is Sue, hello. Sue is going to give me ?5

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for a selfie, that's what she thinks I'm worth. He is a ?5. Do you want

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to take the selfie? And, I'm not doing this on my own, I

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have two friends to help me. In the kitchen I have head chef Micky

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Flanagan is here and on deserts Valerie from Blake. What's going on

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here? I've been making my source all day long. It would be wrong of you

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not to. Am I going to lick the sauce off your fingers? Is it good? Please

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donate to Comic Relief. Whatever got tonight? A Cockney special. What the

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neck? Elk and eels. What is an elk? Basically a big winkle. I'll have a

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few to go, please. They are on the demise, the elk. Val from Bake Off

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is here. You are an amazing chef and every time you are on television

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people say I look like you. Do you think is right, Micky, do you think

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we look similar? I think she is much better looking to be honest! People

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also say I look like Theresa May, based on these pictures. I'm not

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sure that's fair, really! Do I look like Theresa May? Love it! What are

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you making? I'm making a Friday Outrageous. What's in that? That was

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impressive. Brownie, millionaire shortcake and then ice cream on top.

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And it will look like this. I love it. With a red nose on top! We also

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have a VIP area over here. This VIP area will have some very important

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people in it, some celebrity guests. They are not here yet but it will be

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very good. It's all to raise money out here. Out here... Look at me,

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I'm here. In this bucket we will put all the donations in and try to get

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as much money from these people in this restaurant. So it's all going

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to go in there and we will do a count at the end of the evening. I'm

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not eating bread so I am going to have some sushi. CHEERING AND

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APPLAUSE Nice, thanks.

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Over the years, all you fabulous schools have raised quite

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a phenomenal amount for Red Nose Day, and 2017

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This year you guys are on track to raise ?5.5 million!

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Tonight, we'd like to say an extra special thank you to one school

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in particular who've gone above and beyond.

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I give you the students of St Nicholas Grammar

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Really good.

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Fantastic. What's your name? Misha. What have you been doing to raise

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money for Comic Relief? Basically I baked loads of red nose and Day

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cakes and sold them at school. ?205. Brilliant, thank you. What's your

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name and how have you been fundraising quest might I am Jamie

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and I sat in a bath of baked beans in the middle of the school. People

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supported me for how many hours I lasted. How long did you last? Five

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minutes. Six hours. Amazing. Easy. How much did you raise? ?373. Lame.

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Hello there. Are you excited to be

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here on Red Nose Day These are just randoms

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who smell like baked beans. That's because they've all been

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doing their bit for charity. They'd said I'd meet famous

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people if I came here. Comic Relief

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isn't about getting on the telly That's handy, cos there

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ain't no-one famous here. Listen, I'm sure you think you're

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really funny, but everyone's here because they care about others

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less well off and want to do their little bit

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to make a difference. You have contributed zero,

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helped no-one, and done nothing. And what's more, the whole country

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has been watching you. What have you got to save yourself?

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-- say for yourself? Look at my face, are you looking at

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my face? Is any part of it bovvered? Look, face. I'm live on TV, I don't

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care, not bovvered. Ed Sheeran, baked beans, shave your head, I

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don't care, I ain't bovvered. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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You've been in Harry Potter, isn't it?

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More of the boys coming up, plus we've also got Alan Partridge,

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Peter Kay, Russell Brand, People Just Do Nothing,

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Philomena Cunk, Toast Of London, Mrs Brown, Smack The Pony,

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David Walliams, This Country, Frankie Boyle, Vic and Bob,

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French and Saunders, Planet Earth, Graham Norton,

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Greg Davies and part two of Carpool Karaoke.

:32:09.:32:10.

And of course, not forgetting our feature presentation ? the return

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of one of the world's best-loved romantic comedies.

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It's been 13 years in the making and I'm so excited to say,

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# At last # My love has come along. #

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We'll do some of the song, you sing one and then I sing one, OK?

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# Will be loving you till we're 70 # And baby my heart...#

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It's been just over three years since the outbreak of Ebola killed

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There aren't any live cases of it here now, but you still come

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across the after-effects of it everywhere.

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When was the last time you went to school?

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I think that's going to happen, you got a beautiful voice.

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The thing stopping her getting her dreams is coming you know,

:34:52.:34:53.

The last thing I always wanted this trip to be was to

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be the celebrity that comes over to Africa,

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and cries on TV and says, send your money over.

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I really wanted to come and like, be like

:35:54.:35:55.

everything is positive, everything is great, and then...

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I don't know, I was just singing with that girl,

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and she was all really smiling, and then she just started crying.

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And she just got really choked up about it.

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You know, I watch Comic Relief every single

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year, and this is always what celebrities do,

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and I always think, is it ready that bad?

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That's just one story, and she's the one girl that

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came up to talk to us and was smiley

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came up to talk to us and there's so many kids out

:36:52.:36:52.

here who we tried to speak to, but just shut off.

:36:53.:36:55.

And if she is the most smiley one, God knows what else

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But here's the really important thing.

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To get a little girl like Peaches back into school

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for a whole year only costs 45 quid, so please give what you can.

:37:04.:37:06.

You can really completely change lives tonight.

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I'm so proud of Ed going out there - and what an amazing little

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Please - all you need to do to change someone's life to give

:37:13.:37:16.

And now, to perform a track off his new album, which literally

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could be the Comic Relief anthem, it's Ed Sheeran himself

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While you are watching, pick up the phone and donate anything you can.

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# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon

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# But God gave me a stage, a guitar and a song

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# My daddy told me, "Son, don't you get involved in

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# Politics, religions, other people's quarrels."

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# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

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# I know when I have children they will know what it means

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# Just love and understanding, positivity

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# We could change this whole world with a piano

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# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

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# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

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# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

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# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

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# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

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# Saying love could change the world in a moment

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# Love can change the world in a moment

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# Love can change the world in a moment

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# The revolution's coming, it's a minute away

:38:58.:39:00.

# I saw people marching in the streets today

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# You know we are made up of love and hate

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# But both of them are balanced on a razor blade

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# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

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# I know, I'm all for people following their dreams

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# Just re-remember life is more than fittin' in your jeans

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# It's love and understanding, positivity

:39:22.:39:24.

# We could change this whole world with a piano

:39:25.:39:27.

# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

:39:28.:39:30.

# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

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# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

:39:34.:39:41.

# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

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# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

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# Saying love could change the world in a moment

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# Love can change the world in a moment

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# Love can change the world in a moment

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# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

:40:06.:40:08.

# You know, the future's in the hands of you and me

:40:09.:40:11.

# So let's all get together, we can all be free

:40:12.:40:15.

# Spread love and understanding, positivity

:40:16.:40:18.

# We could change this whole world with a piano

:40:19.:40:21.

# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

:40:22.:40:24.

# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

:40:25.:40:28.

# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

:40:29.:40:34.

# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

:40:35.:40:37.

# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

:40:38.:40:41.

# Saying love could change the world in a moment

:40:42.:40:44.

# Love can change the world in a moment

:40:45.:40:50.

# Love can change the world in a moment

:40:51.:40:57.

If you enjoyed that, you should check out some

:40:58.:41:24.

of his stuff online and maybe give it a like and who knows, one day

:41:25.:41:28.

And if you're craving more Ed Sheeran, remember,

:41:29.:41:32.

we still have his fantastic collaboration with

:41:33.:41:33.

How are you doing? He touched me. Hello. Lovely.

:41:34.:41:53.

I assume they explained the special Comic Relief

:41:54.:41:55.

rule ? silly tradition, really, don't know

:41:56.:41:56.

why it still exists - which demands that all musical acts

:41:57.:42:00.

must kiss, with passion and meaning, the tallest host.

:42:01.:42:16.

I've just remembered something, it is the tallest female host that gets

:42:17.:42:45.

the kiss, not... Richard Osman. Hello, and welcome to my special

:42:46.:42:57.

World Cup of Biscuits! 32 biscuits started this journey on

:42:58.:43:10.

Twitter. We have had 1.6 million votes already. People like biscuits.

:43:11.:43:15.

We now have our eight favourite and we will reveal the quarterfinals for

:43:16.:43:19.

you. It must be a privilege for you to be doing this. Rummage, watch how

:43:20.:43:24.

he does it because he is a professional. Reveal our first

:43:25.:43:29.

quarterfinal. Here goes. Jammie Dodgers. That is a big biscuit to

:43:30.:43:39.

start with. You are not having it. They promise a lot but they deliver

:43:40.:43:45.

very little. If you don't mind are not eating them for a fingers. That

:43:46.:43:54.

is my son's favourite biscuit. Take them home with you. That is our

:43:55.:44:00.

first quarterfinal. Our second quarterfinal. We have custard

:44:01.:44:12.

creams. Is there anything you are going to have, Lenny? We will wait

:44:13.:44:19.

and see but I am not having that. And custard creams will play

:44:20.:44:27.

chocolate bauble and biscuits. -- chocolate bauble is.

:44:28.:44:34.

I am sorry, I was kissing Ed Sheeran. We have done Jammie Dodgers

:44:35.:44:40.

against chocolate fingers and custard creams against chocolate

:44:41.:44:51.

bourbons. Chocolate hobnobs. And they are playing? A plane hobnobs. I

:44:52.:45:02.

would not want to be Mrs hobnob right now. Lenny, finally, we have

:45:03.:45:13.

chocolate digestive, classic. And who are they going to be playing?

:45:14.:45:17.

The chocolate digestive plays against the Jaffa cake. Wooded you

:45:18.:45:28.

do with my biscuit? I will cut you a nice slice of Jaffa cake. All of

:45:29.:45:33.

those quarterfinals are now live on Twitter. Forgive me, I know you are

:45:34.:45:40.

doing this at home as well. You can vote all evening in the semifinals

:45:41.:45:43.

and the final, revealing the winner later in the evening. Now, thank you

:45:44.:45:49.

to our friends at British Airways with Alexander Armstrong, a poor

:45:50.:45:51.

woman's Bradley Walsh. Since 2010 British Airways customers

:45:52.:46:01.

and staff have done a lot to improve the lives of vulnerable people in

:46:02.:46:04.

Africa and here in the UK. Today I am here to say a massive thank you

:46:05.:46:10.

and to give a little something back. You go and have a little break.

:46:11.:46:17.

Excuse me? Yes sir, how can I help. This is an emergency. An emergency,

:46:18.:46:26.

don't say you've been left home alone. He looks a little bit like...

:46:27.:46:32.

That my friend is London and today is Red Nose Day. Have you remembered

:46:33.:46:38.

your red nose? Did you forget to bring it? I think I've got a spare.

:46:39.:46:46.

Sorry. Would you like another one? I'll be fine.

:46:47.:46:59.

Don't know what his problem was... Anyway, about that massive BA thank

:47:00.:47:03.

you. Thank you! Thank you to all the staff

:47:04.:47:16.

and customers at British Airways I can reveal that this year,

:47:17.:47:24.

you've raised an incredible... Now it's time for a little

:47:25.:47:39.

treat from Radio 1's Just last week, they raised over

:47:40.:47:46.

?300,000 for Red Nose Day with their 24 Hour LOLathon

:47:47.:47:55.

and they're with us here tonight with the one

:47:56.:47:58.

and only Innuendo Bingo. Some people like an innuendo,

:47:59.:48:03.

some people don't. I like them. I like them as well but

:48:04.:48:08.

I find it hard to laugh when Scott Mills is ramming it

:48:09.:48:14.

down my throat. Hello, I'm Scott Mills

:48:15.:48:20.

and this is Innuendo Bingo. Getting wet for Comic Relief tonight

:48:21.:48:26.

is bingo veteran Chris Stark, who will tonight be going up

:48:27.:48:32.

against stand-up comedian and king DRAMATIC MUSIC this is Innuendo

:48:33.:48:52.

Bingo. Welcome to this first edition of

:48:53.:48:57.

Innuendo Bingo. Are you OK? I'm very excited. I love getting wet and I

:48:58.:49:05.

love innuendos. You get wet fast. If you are at home have not seen this

:49:06.:49:11.

before, this is what Chris and Joel are in for tonight.

:49:12.:49:17.

A lot of water. I was going to show your video but let's just get down

:49:18.:49:26.

to it. Who loves Innuendo Bingo? Let's do this!

:49:27.:49:29.

Here are the rules: You fill your mouths with water,

:49:30.:49:31.

I play you a clip spotted by one of our Radio 1 listeners and we'll

:49:32.:49:35.

For Comic Relief. First, five live. This is Phil Tufnell, who is listing

:49:36.:49:50.

cricket players and some of his favourite things. Rashid or Ali, I

:49:51.:50:02.

think Rashid, a bit of X Factor. And Broad, top-quality bowler, lot of

:50:03.:50:07.

quality and skill. I like Plunkett and... Nothing funnier than will it!

:50:08.:50:22.

Next it is time for Masterchef van der Wiel diesel of cooking, Greg

:50:23.:50:27.

Wallace. Greg is a great presenter but sometimes during the show his

:50:28.:50:31.

mind seems to wonder a little bit. I like the delicate look of your

:50:32.:50:35.

plate, I really do. I like your chlorate and love the taste of the

:50:36.:50:39.

morel mushrooms and love the natural saltiness... It's just missing

:50:40.:50:43.

possibly the most important part and that is the sauce that brings

:50:44.:50:50.

everything together. I'm desperate to dip that pork. LAUGHTER

:50:51.:50:57.

Greg Wallace, everybody. Oh wow, Masterchef.

:50:58.:51:07.

I'm desperate to dip that pork into something nice.

:51:08.:51:11.

OK, this has escalated rather quickly. More water please, lads.

:51:12.:51:19.

How much water? Now BBC breakfast and weather

:51:20.:51:23.

presenter, the lovely... What happened there? It went up my nose!

:51:24.:51:30.

Carol Kirkwood, we all love Carol Kirkwood but it seems here Carol is

:51:31.:51:35.

taking desperate measures to boost her media profile. What a great

:51:36.:51:41.

vantage point you've got there, Carol Have you had a chance to wave

:51:42.:51:45.

to people over the balcony question I've had my photo taken down below

:51:46.:51:50.

and treated. I've even had my photograph taken

:51:51.:51:56.

down below untreated. The lovely Carol Kirkwood. Joel

:51:57.:52:07.

Dommett! I'm a serious comedian! We have one more. Let's go for it,

:52:08.:52:13.

this is the last one. We are going over to history today on Radio 4 and

:52:14.:52:17.

they are having a fascinating feature about what people did for

:52:18.:52:28.

fun... I'm going to immediately regret that decision! Sorry.

:52:29.:52:34.

Here we go, Radio 4... This is what people did before the Internet came

:52:35.:52:40.

along. Where somebody tethers de Kock to

:52:41.:52:47.

the ground and people getting a baton and they throw a baton at the

:52:48.:52:53.

clock and stun it so it can't get up... Guys... There's more, more.

:52:54.:53:06.

That's not the end of the clip. It's a charity, Scott come on, let's go.

:53:07.:53:16.

I love water. And then you run up and try to get

:53:17.:53:24.

the Cockrell into your own hands... That's it, thank you very much, I

:53:25.:53:32.

hope you all enjoyed the game. Have a good evening. I'm Scott Mills.

:53:33.:53:35.

Thank you to Joel Dommett and Chris Stark. This has been Innuendo Bingo

:53:36.:53:39.

for Comic Relief! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:53:40.:53:42.

I need another T-shirt! Your money has been hard at work

:53:43.:53:56.

across the UK. It finds people whose lives are really hard and tries to

:53:57.:54:01.

help. You've provided comfort to families experiencing grief. Zara's

:54:02.:54:06.

husband Lee took his own life after a struggle with depression. I felt

:54:07.:54:11.

like I'd been crushed. The shop, it takes the breath out of you. When

:54:12.:54:18.

the charity got involved it was like, there's still hope. There are

:54:19.:54:22.

people here to help. You've given relief to people in

:54:23.:54:27.

pain. Cass started self harming when she was 11. It got to the point

:54:28.:54:32.

where I was nearly suicidal. I got to the point where I was like

:54:33.:54:36.

I need help now. I don't know if I'd Still be here without the wish

:54:37.:54:40.

Centre. You ensure young carers get a break

:54:41.:54:43.

from their responsibilities. Becca has been carer should she was five.

:54:44.:54:50.

Sometimes I can't help my mum because she's very hurting. I calm

:54:51.:54:58.

her down if she's upset. A project you fund means she can

:54:59.:55:01.

meet other young carers and have some time for herself. And give

:55:02.:55:10.

young people bright futures. David was on the streets as a young

:55:11.:55:13.

teenager. You know when you don't understand your emotions, it boils

:55:14.:55:18.

up? Now I feel I have a chance to really turn my life around.

:55:19.:55:22.

You've helped older people feel less alone, Derek who sadly let lost his

:55:23.:55:27.

wife to dementia last year. I felt absolutely empty. Now starts

:55:28.:55:33.

the lonely as part of my life. I was very pleased to find a place like

:55:34.:55:39.

the luncheon club and get over this fear of loneliness.

:55:40.:55:43.

You cash has reached over 12 million people in need across the UK,

:55:44.:55:48.

dealing with all sorts of tough things from depression to domestic

:55:49.:55:53.

violence, from young carers to older people. In the UK wherever you are

:55:54.:55:57.

you are likely to be within 20 miles of the nearest Comic Relief project.

:55:58.:56:00.

This is your opportunity to help people in your community, people who

:56:01.:56:04.

need your help right now. Your money can and will change lives. To

:56:05.:56:09.

give... I used to think about Comic Relief

:56:10.:56:17.

as mainly focusing on Africa, Your cash tonight will help hundreds

:56:18.:56:22.

of thousands of people leading really tough lives all over the UK -

:56:23.:56:29.

in fact, wherever you are, it's likely you're never

:56:30.:56:32.

more than 20 miles away Or you can give with

:56:33.:56:34.

a simple text message. You can also donate by cheque made

:56:35.:57:06.

payable to Red Nose Day 2017. And you can take your money to any bank,

:57:07.:57:10.

building society or post office. You have the power to change your life.

:57:11.:57:18.

Forget about Facebook, forget about tweeting how good-looking Warwick

:57:19.:57:20.

Davis is an Comic Relief. Donate right now.

:57:21.:57:23.

All right, coming up in just a bit, we've got Alan Partridge,

:57:24.:57:25.

But time now to go back to sunny Los Angeles for more Carpool Karaoke

:57:26.:57:32.

with four people who have supported Comic Relief for years and years,

:57:33.:57:35.

It's a shame James Corden doesn't drive a Delorean,

:57:36.:57:40.

they could go back in time and do it with Robbie like the old days.

:57:41.:57:43.

# Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup.

:57:44.:58:10.

# In the twist of separation, you excelled at being free.

:58:11.:58:20.

# Can't you find a little room inside for me?

:58:21.:58:27.

# Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

:58:28.:58:31.

# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good.

:58:32.:58:39.

# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it.

:58:40.:58:43.

# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good...

:58:44.:58:53.

Now, you guys have never tried to make it here,

:58:54.:58:56.

but was there ever a point where you thought about

:58:57.:58:58.

We had this hilarious meeting in London.

:58:59.:59:08.

These two guys from the New York record company flew in,

:59:09.:59:13.

and they literally spent an hour telling us, "We're going to do this,

:59:14.:59:16.

We'll go to Vegas and do this radio thing and then we'll hit them

:59:17.:59:22.

with marketing in New York and do all these chat shows..."

:59:23.:59:26.

And what do you think, after an hour, full on?

:59:27.:59:31.

The silence went down the line until it got to Howard.

:59:32.:59:33.

I think you've just got to get the word out.

:59:34.:59:52.

Will you listen to the music, and play it for friends?

:59:53.:00:04.

Tweet it, Instagram it, do the whole thing, OK?

:00:05.:00:10.

Your wives will love it, your kids will love it.

:00:11.:00:15.

What are you going to tell people, sir?

:00:16.:00:25.

Excuse me, gents, are you music fans?

:00:26.:00:36.

I feel like we've got the word out there.

:00:37.:01:02.

Are there any customers in there that are interested in new music?

:01:03.:01:26.

This is our first big store performance, OK?

:01:27.:01:33.

This is going back to the days of Woolworths and Our Price.

:01:34.:01:36.

This is the stuff that breaks people.

:01:37.:01:40.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Take That!

:01:41.:01:42.

Ladies and gentlemen, for their first performance

:01:43.:01:50.

as TT3 in Los Angeles, please welcome Take That!

:01:51.:02:13.

# When the time grew near for me to show my love.

:02:14.:02:19.

# Hiding from a word I need to hear now.

:02:20.:02:27.

# But the nights were always warm with you.

:02:28.:02:36.

# But the morning always comes too soon.

:02:37.:02:45.

# Hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday...

:02:46.:03:00.

Ladies and gentlemen, that was Take That!

:03:01.:03:07.

Tell your friends, tell your friends!

:03:08.:03:09.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!

:03:10.:03:12.

Tell you what, guys, it's small steps, but we're making inroads.

:03:13.:03:16.

Is there anything like us out here, James?

:03:17.:03:20.

Wow, I think you'll all agree there's nothing quite

:03:21.:03:34.

Just driving along in my car in La La Land. Not the film, that would be

:03:35.:04:01.

silly. I have no interest in jazz piano. I'm famous these days and

:04:02.:04:06.

glamorous but I still get lonely when I'm driving along in America.

:04:07.:04:10.

No, not yet, I haven't got that bit yet. I'm still driving. It would be

:04:11.:04:19.

very dangerous to... I wish I had a celebrity friend. All right, get in.

:04:20.:04:31.

Oh, God! It's very dangerous. And you are? Tonight, Matthew, I'm...

:04:32.:04:38.

Are you going anywhere near Port Talbot? You are Welsh? Yes. Are you

:04:39.:04:49.

Aled Jones? I'm Bonnie Tyler. Are you going to do the accent? You are

:04:50.:04:55.

doing very well for yourself, aren't you? Well, I have got a foot in

:04:56.:05:03.

America and a foot in England, and the world in between. I'm straddling

:05:04.:05:10.

the Atlantic at the moment, which is quite painful in these tight jeans.

:05:11.:05:17.

What are we doing? So, Bonnie Taylor, if you be she, let me tell

:05:18.:05:21.

you how this is going to work. I'm going to put on some music so that

:05:22.:05:27.

we can have some music in the car. If it's a song you know, singalong.

:05:28.:05:35.

# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely

:05:36.:05:38.

# Turnaround # Every now and then I get a little

:05:39.:05:44.

bit tired of listening to the sound # Every now and then I get a little

:05:45.:05:48.

bit nervous # Turnaround

:05:49.:05:54.

# Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the

:05:55.:05:58.

look in your eyes # Turnaround, bright eyes

:05:59.:06:08.

# Every now and then I fall apart # And I need you now to might

:06:09.:06:18.

# And I need you more than ever # If you'd only hold me tight, we'll

:06:19.:06:26.

be holding on forever # And will only be making it right

:06:27.:06:30.

# Because we'll never be wrong # Together we can take it to the end

:06:31.:06:40.

of the line # Always in the dark

:06:41.:06:48.

# I really need you tonight # For other's going to start tonight

:06:49.:06:57.

# Once upon a time I was falling in love

:06:58.:07:02.

# Now I'm always falling apart # There's nothing I can do

:07:03.:07:11.

# Total eclipse of the heart. # Get out. Thank you. Goodbye. What

:07:12.:07:20.

was that about. You can't do that. Lovely singing from French and

:07:21.:07:36.

Saunders. We are in Pizza Express and we are doing bread nosed a. We

:07:37.:07:42.

are in Pizza Express, and there are actual customers here, eating actual

:07:43.:07:52.

food, prepared by these guys. We are on top of it now. I have to ask,

:07:53.:07:58.

what has happened to your top? It is getting hot. If you can't stand the

:07:59.:08:05.

heat, make a crop top. It suits you. In the next link, will you be naked?

:08:06.:08:13.

Hopefully. Avoid the sausage. You seem panicked. It is too much for

:08:14.:08:22.

me. We have a VIP. You are joking! Not at all. It is only Pat Sharp.

:08:23.:08:28.

Actual Pat Sharp is here. Thank you for joining us in our VIP area.

:08:29.:08:35.

There are no VIPs. We asked Chico but he demanded a high fee. True

:08:36.:08:43.

story. Micky would like you to have a pizza for free, but there is a

:08:44.:08:47.

challenge. Micky will explain, in his lovely crop top. It is such a

:08:48.:08:53.

horrible image. You liar, you love it. The challenge is, if you drop

:08:54.:08:59.

it, you have to make a donation and eat it. If you catch it, we will

:09:00.:09:06.

make a donation. 20p. It is like a farmhouse game. One, two, three. He

:09:07.:09:18.

caught it. Pat Sharp! If you have donated, thank you. There is a video

:09:19.:09:21.

to thank you from some lovely people.

:09:22.:09:26.

I am at BT, where people man the phones, take donations and use

:09:27.:09:32.

technical prowess to make sure the hundreds of thousands of phone calls

:09:33.:09:36.

keep rolling in, not to mention all of the fundraising activities staff

:09:37.:09:38.

get involved with our pants down the country. Loving your work, guys. I

:09:39.:09:44.

have come here today to get hands-on with the team. This lot have got it

:09:45.:09:53.

all covered. They never miss a call, you know. Speaking of which...

:09:54.:09:59.

Hello, Comic Relief. How much would you like to donate? Hello. How much

:10:00.:10:07.

would you like to donate? Speak up. How much would you liked to donate.

:10:08.:10:12.

It must be you. Can you check the volume on your equipment. It is not

:10:13.:10:19.

a piece of equipment. I'm sorry. How much would you like to donate to

:10:20.:10:27.

Comic Relief? Nailed it. Just the thank you to go. That will come in

:10:28.:10:29.

handy. So a massive thank you to

:10:30.:10:36.

all of the staff at BT and to all of the volunteers tonight

:10:37.:10:45.

taking your calls. Do keep calling, because it

:10:46.:10:47.

changes people's lives. Your generosity year after year

:10:48.:10:49.

has been so amazing - and so this year, we sent two people

:10:50.:10:52.

who had given money to have a look at the kind of place

:10:53.:10:56.

the money could go. This is such an interesting film

:10:57.:10:58.

about a mother and daughter from Bradford and a remarkable

:10:59.:11:01.

grandmother and granddaughter This rubbish dump is where all

:11:02.:11:02.

of Nairobi's waste ends up. But as well as normal

:11:03.:11:14.

household rubbish, it's full of awful fumes,

:11:15.:11:20.

and chemical fires. And in and amongst all of that,

:11:21.:11:21.

there are families trying to earn It's here that we met Irene

:11:22.:11:25.

and her granddaughter, I've never seen anything

:11:26.:11:29.

like this, like, it is... It's a lot worse than

:11:30.:11:45.

I imagined it being like. You have to collect

:11:46.:11:49.

lots and lots of these? You know, she should be at home

:11:50.:11:59.

and her age, and taking it I couldn't imagine my

:12:00.:12:16.

mum having to do this. Before it got too dark, we had

:12:17.:12:27.

to leave this place because at So, we headed back to their house

:12:28.:12:31.

to spend the night. How many people altogether

:12:32.:12:37.

sleep in this bed? We soon found out that this

:12:38.:12:41.

was the first meal they'd And she's never going to know

:12:42.:12:48.

when she's going to I suppose that's

:12:49.:12:55.

what you've got to do. # Heads,

:12:56.:13:02.

shoulders, knees and toes, # And eyes and ears

:13:03.:13:11.

and mouth and nose... The next day we were up

:13:12.:13:18.

early to face another Who is going to look after the boys

:13:19.:13:20.

while you are down there? It's heartbreaking to think

:13:21.:13:40.

they are going to be And then, you'd be

:13:41.:13:42.

worrying about if they're going to wander off,

:13:43.:13:48.

if anybody is going to

:13:49.:13:49.

come and take them... As a parent, you keep your kids

:13:50.:13:51.

are safe as you can. It must be so hard for her,

:13:52.:13:54.

I don't know how she does it. Would you like to go

:13:55.:14:02.

to school instead of It'll be great if we

:14:03.:14:04.

could help her together. It costs just ?50 to get a girl

:14:05.:15:10.

like Lynette into school. don't put it off -

:15:11.:15:16.

don't make a cup of tea. If you've got any cash

:15:17.:15:22.

to spare, all you need to do Next up, she's responsible

:15:23.:15:25.

for the biggest comedy phenomenon of the millennium and Mrs Brown has

:15:26.:15:47.

put time aside to share a special We hope you're having a very special

:15:48.:15:50.

night over there in Red Nose land. It's all change over

:15:51.:16:00.

here in the house. We've a brand-new show, not

:16:01.:16:02.

something we thought we'd ever see, but there are many things in life

:16:03.:16:05.

that you don't often get to see, like grandad making it

:16:06.:16:08.

through another night. Or Winnie remembering

:16:09.:16:10.

what she came in for. But tonight, we'd like to share

:16:11.:16:12.

with you an exclusive cheeky,

:16:13.:16:14.

sneaky peeky clip from the pilot of our brand-new Saturday

:16:15.:16:16.

night extravaganza show. I don't know why they call it

:16:17.:16:21.

a pilot, there's certainly no Would you put "To Winnie,

:16:22.:16:23.

have a wonderful night". "It would be a pleasure

:16:24.:17:18.

to perform for you". "And when you call, talk slowly

:17:19.:17:20.

with a husky voice". Don't put your name

:17:21.:17:32.

on it, doesn't matter. That's where you get your

:17:33.:17:37.

good manners from, son. When you meet a lady,

:17:38.:17:47.

you say hello and give her a kiss. Before you go and sing your song,

:17:48.:17:52.

would you sing one of my favourites? It's by Tony Bennett,

:17:53.:18:11.

it's called Fly Me To The Moon. Would you mind me

:18:12.:18:14.

giving me a few bars? Ladies and gentlemen,

:18:15.:18:16.

Aston Merriweather rubber glove. # Let me see what spring

:18:17.:18:22.

is like on Jupiter and Mars. If you did, the best

:18:23.:18:59.

thing you can do tonight is to show your support by donating

:19:00.:19:11.

online at bbc.co.uk/rednoseday. Or pick up the phone

:19:12.:19:17.

and call 03457 910 910. And with a bit of luck,

:19:18.:19:22.

we can help change lives, OK, still to come,

:19:23.:19:27.

we have more from the genius-es-es that are French

:19:28.:19:52.

and Saunders, a visit from Toast

:19:53.:19:56.

of London and, of course, we have the highly anticipated

:19:57.:19:57.

Love Actually reunion. Love Actually was of

:19:58.:20:02.

course the story of this hilarious woman who falls

:20:03.:20:08.

madly in love with Mr Darcy and keeps a diary

:20:09.:20:11.

of all her escapades and has all these hilarious

:20:12.:20:13.

friends and she? That granny pants

:20:14.:20:14.

scene is brilliant. Some things that happen for the

:20:15.:21:06.

first time... # Seem to be happening again and so

:21:07.:21:24.

it seems that we have met before # And laughed before and loved

:21:25.:21:30.

before # But who knows where #.

:21:31.:21:39.

You see what I'm saying? Can't wait to see those

:21:40.:21:41.

iconic scenes from Of course I am. Do you know what I'm

:21:42.:21:43.

talking about? Of course I do. Now, it's Mother's Day on Sunday,

:21:44.:21:51.

so what better gift for Mum And you're having a great time?

:21:52.:22:09.

Great, yes. What's best bet? Travelling you in the car here.

:22:10.:22:10.

Rubbish. We're meeting loads of exciting

:22:11.:22:12.

people, like this guy. Hello, hello mate. See, having all

:22:13.:22:21.

sorts of banter? The good news is mum is going to be with me all

:22:22.:22:29.

night! OK, not like that. I thought you were sending me home early to

:22:30.:22:32.

watch that programme. You are supposed to read the joke of there!

:22:33.:22:35.

Eulas poster say Nope, you're giving me

:22:36.:22:38.

a lift home, remember? Plus, later on, we'll

:22:39.:22:42.

be playing Your Mum. oh, that's it? My programme is gone?

:22:43.:22:54.

You are not sticking to the autocue! So glad I got you on.

:22:55.:22:57.

You wouldn't understand, it's a young person thing.

:22:58.:22:59.

OK, Mum, time now for a really special treat from Norfolk's, sorry,

:23:00.:23:03.

North Norfolk's greatest export and broadcast legend.

:23:04.:23:05.

Absolutely! LAUGHTER Absolutely! LAUGHTER

:23:06.:23:35.

Hello, I'm Alan Partridge, and I love to laugh. That's why I've been

:23:36.:23:38.

happy to get involved with Comic Relief down the years. From this

:23:39.:23:44.

occasion when a hotly tipped young boxer thought he could have a dig at

:23:45.:23:49.

me. I waited until he looked the other way and, bang! And this

:23:50.:23:53.

occasion when I did what I can only describe was a bread sneeze.

:23:54.:23:58.

I'm so sorry! But this year the team at Comic

:23:59.:24:02.

Relief HQ called me with an even bigger proposal. They said Alan, we

:24:03.:24:06.

have a great idea, you in a hot air balloon shaped like a red nose,

:24:07.:24:11.

floating from London to Cornwall with Russell Howard on George

:24:12.:24:14.

Galloway. I said, I've got a better idea, I'll do a package of clips

:24:15.:24:19.

with a voice over. So join me as we enjoy some classic

:24:20.:24:24.

fund-raising moments in Alan Partridge's red nose strong cup --

:24:25.:24:34.

stonkers. This man is having his legs waxed, eight procedure

:24:35.:24:38.

traditionally associated with a woman. Come on, that's funny,

:24:39.:24:43.

surely? I only waxed myself smooth completely once in a school trip to

:24:44.:24:49.

Anglesey because a man told me to. Alan Partridge's Red Nose Day

:24:50.:24:54.

stonkers. Hang on, Giants playing guitars?

:24:55.:24:57.

Hang on, these are miniature guitars known as the ukeleles. This being

:24:58.:25:06.

the North of England where their diets tend to contain slightly less

:25:07.:25:10.

protein due to lower wages. If you're struggling to make up the

:25:11.:25:14.

comic angle, there's a red wig and a woman dressed as a car park

:25:15.:25:21.

attendant! There, really funny. Alan Partridge's stonkers.

:25:22.:25:27.

What the heck is going on? This is called gunging. Noel Edmonds has

:25:28.:25:31.

made a career from it although he keeps the recipe close to his chest,

:25:32.:25:35.

along with some of his tax arrangements.

:25:36.:25:42.

This is wonderful, beans in a bath. A real Comic Relief staple. A word

:25:43.:25:46.

of warning to anyone considering this, you will come out with a rash

:25:47.:25:51.

if you stay in them too long. Never, ever fall asleep in beans, it will

:25:52.:25:56.

stay on your skin to look what are very friend funny said to look like

:25:57.:26:09.

a woman's tan. I know people will grumble about hygiene because the

:26:10.:26:12.

beans have had a bath with a young man but I am sure that the young

:26:13.:26:19.

woman they'd pay extra! Chris Christoph isn't here, no

:26:20.:26:23.

relation... And he's off! Up, up, up. Of course, the inflatable slack

:26:24.:26:33.

in the ball was made with a pig's blatter but now they've been

:26:34.:26:39.

replaced with Robert -- robber inner tubes. Not that anyone eats them,

:26:40.:26:44.

not even the Chinese! We should send a view to Eamonn Holmes, fried up, a

:26:45.:26:50.

bit of ketchup. What are we missing quest me, me, me. Right foot... Put

:26:51.:27:00.

him off! Brilliant, classic. And with that it's back to the comedian.

:27:01.:27:05.

Bye-bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:27:06.:27:08.

Alan Partridge there, a great broadcaster still in his prime.

:27:09.:27:10.

Now, here's a little film from someone who has been

:27:11.:27:13.

with Comic Relief from the very start, the greatest

:27:14.:27:15.

stand-up comedian of our - or really any - generation.

:27:16.:27:22.

Hello, Billy Connelly here asking for your cash.

:27:23.:27:25.

I've got cancer and Parkinson's, and I definitely need a

:27:26.:27:31.

We've got people all over the UK older than me who

:27:32.:27:40.

are really living tough lives, and I'd love you to help them.

:27:41.:27:43.

One evening, she turned round and she looked at me

:27:44.:27:49.

And the bottom dropped out of my world then.

:27:50.:27:57.

This is Jo, she was diagnosed with dementia at just 57 years old.

:27:58.:28:03.

It was a devastating discovery for her and her

:28:04.:28:04.

And she said, unfortunately you've got early-onset

:28:05.:28:16.

And this is Margaret, struggling to cope with

:28:17.:28:21.

the loss of her husband, the love of her life.

:28:22.:28:25.

Where do you go when your soul mate, partner, lover, has gone?

:28:26.:28:30.

And you, you amazing people out there.

:28:31.:28:37.

Young, old, and somewhere in between.

:28:38.:28:41.

Your cash helps people like this, grand people who life has

:28:42.:28:44.

And I'd ask you tonight to do it again, or

:28:45.:28:47.

Although if it's the first time watching Red Nose

:28:48.:28:50.

Day, you probably don't even know me!

:28:51.:28:52.

I'm the hilarious comedian with a weird

:28:53.:28:56.

beard, who once took off all my clothes for Comic Relief.

:28:57.:29:01.

What matters is you, tonight, at home, and this

:29:02.:29:08.

amazing power to completely change someone's life.

:29:09.:29:09.

I really hope you'll find it in your hearts to give

:29:10.:29:18.

It'll be simple and marvellous and you'll be so proud of yourselves.

:29:19.:29:24.

You can be part of a life-saving miracle tonight, if you can just

:29:25.:29:27.

I can't deny I find that pretty moving.

:29:28.:29:45.

He's been doing stuff with Comic Relief for half his life.

:29:46.:29:47.

The things he did were always so great.

:29:48.:29:49.

You can't get Billy to say what you want him to.

:29:50.:29:52.

He'll say what he wants and always pitch perfect.

:29:53.:29:55.

The vast continent? full of promise and

:29:56.:30:09.

The client's pretty strict, and has told us that after

:30:10.:30:16.

you say the word Africa, he'd like you to come in

:30:17.:30:18.

with "the vast continent" exactly a 50th of a

:30:19.:30:21.

Yeah, the timing is crucial on this, Steven.

:30:22.:30:30.

I've heard of Tony Curtis and Ian Kirke is of Joy Division.

:30:31.:30:50.

If he's trying to sell Africa, tell him he's made it sound pretty

:30:51.:30:53.

That was a 16th of a second too long.

:30:54.:31:02.

Len Fandango, I'm Clem Fandango's half brother.

:31:03.:31:14.

The feeling here, Steven, is that everyone thinks

:31:15.:31:26.

The client has specifically asked if you'd mind wearing the red nose

:31:27.:31:49.

Nope, sorry, Steven, we've got to get it exactly right.

:31:50.:32:06.

It's not that difficult, it's just a question of timing.

:32:07.:32:11.

Well, if you're such an expert, why don't you

:32:12.:32:13.

Africa, a vast continent, full of promise and

:32:14.:32:20.

That was exactly one 15th of a second.

:32:21.:32:32.

That was no different to how I did it.

:32:33.:32:34.

One more time, Steven, then we'll call it a night, eh?

:32:35.:32:38.

Sorry, Steven, too slow, it's just not happening.

:32:39.:32:46.

I think we'll just go with Len, he can obviously nail

:32:47.:32:49.

Yeah, thanks, Steven, I'll lay it down tomorrow.

:32:50.:32:52.

Sorry, Steven, it's Comic Relief, no one gets a taxi.

:32:53.:33:01.

You'll have to get the tube, I'm afraid.

:33:02.:33:09.

And leave the nose. What? What the hell are you laughing at?

:33:10.:33:21.

Let's keep the ball rolling - specifically, tiny chocolate balls ?

:33:22.:33:38.

as we say a big thank you to the good people at Maltesers.

:33:39.:33:48.

Hello. I am here with the hard-working Maltesers team, where

:33:49.:33:55.

they are having a sale to raise money for Comic Relief, and I hear

:33:56.:33:59.

there is a prize for the best cake, so I am getting involved. As part of

:34:00.:34:05.

the baked a million campaign, people have been baking beautiful cakes.

:34:06.:34:09.

For every photo posted online Maltesers are donating ?5. This is

:34:10.:34:17.

my entry. Where will I put it? Our guest judge has been expecting you.

:34:18.:34:24.

Brilliant. This way, please. Oh, my giddy aunt, Jack Nicholson. I have a

:34:25.:34:31.

greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. Clearly a very busy

:34:32.:34:37.

man. Try this. Come on, Jack Nicholson, tell me the truth. You

:34:38.:34:43.

can't handle the truth! Come on. It wasn't that bad. This bit is nice. I

:34:44.:34:49.

would rather you said thank you and went on your way. Passive

:34:50.:34:58.

aggressive! Well? First prize, don't ask any questions. All that remains

:34:59.:35:07.

to be said is a great egg thank you! -- a great league thank you.

:35:08.:35:13.

After all their help this campaign, it's with great pleasure that I can

:35:14.:35:17.

reveal that they have raised the very sweet total of...

:35:18.:35:31.

Now is as good a time as any to take that money,

:35:32.:35:38.

add it to everything else we've raised so far and

:35:39.:35:40.

announce our first total of the night.

:35:41.:35:42.

Warwick and Rob, how much are we looking at so far?

:35:43.:35:45.

Now, as this is the first big total of the night,

:35:46.:35:48.

we wanted to display it on something truly massive.

:35:49.:35:51.

We searched all over the O2 and let me tell you,

:35:52.:35:53.

So tonight, I can proudly announce that the total raised

:35:54.:35:57.

That means children in school and more vaccines in the world's

:35:58.:36:16.

poorest communities, and more care for young carers,

:36:17.:36:18.

for older people all over the UK,

:36:19.:36:20.

for people dealing with mental health issues.

:36:21.:36:21.

It's a big number that's going to help a huge number of people.

:36:22.:36:24.

Thank you so much to everyone who has donated so far.

:36:25.:36:27.

And thank you, Rob, for your help with that one.

:36:28.:36:41.

My face is hurting. What are you saying?

:36:42.:36:46.

Time now for a quick update from the World Cup of Biscuits.

:36:47.:36:49.

Hello, there, everyone, welcome back to my World

:36:50.:36:51.

We are about to find out who the semifinalists are. The first

:36:52.:37:03.

quarterfinal was the jammy dodger against chocolate fingers. This was

:37:04.:37:10.

a 51-49 split, super close. And the first semifinalist is chocolate

:37:11.:37:13.

fingers. Congratulations to the chocolate fingers. I am pleased

:37:14.:37:20.

about that. I hate jammy Dodgers. Second semifinal, this was 55 and

:37:21.:37:25.

50. But just in the lead, custard cream is our second semifinalist.

:37:26.:37:33.

Happier with that? Custard cream versus chocolate fingers is our

:37:34.:37:38.

first semifinal. The second quarterfinal, 55-45 to the chocolate

:37:39.:37:44.

hobnob. I am pleased with that. Good voting so far. Chocolate digestives

:37:45.:37:50.

or Jaffa cakes? Jaffa cakes are a biscuit. The winner is, 51-49,

:37:51.:37:58.

chocolate digestive. Those are your semifinals. If you go on Twitter now

:37:59.:38:03.

you can vote right now on that. Thank you, Miranda. And now a film

:38:04.:38:07.

about malaria. The progress here has been amazing

:38:08.:38:11.

in the last 10 years - hundreds of thousands less children

:38:12.:38:14.

dying each year. But we'd love not to stop till it's

:38:15.:38:16.

wiped out completely. With your help, the number

:38:17.:38:23.

of children dying from malaria each But malaria is still one

:38:24.:38:26.

of the biggest killers Even though it is

:38:27.:38:32.

preventable, and treatable. This is the children's ward in one

:38:33.:38:41.

of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most of the children

:38:42.:38:47.

here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so consuming there

:38:48.:38:53.

aren't enough beds to go around. She laughs, she cries, and,

:38:54.:39:02.

like many children of her age, Her mother, Mary,

:39:03.:39:10.

is desperately poor. There aren't any malaria testing

:39:11.:39:18.

kits in her village. So she's had no choice

:39:19.:39:21.

but to walk for three hours, carrying her daughter

:39:22.:39:24.

to the nearest hospital. All the time, her little girl's

:39:25.:39:29.

blood was being destroyed Doctor Columbo is doing

:39:30.:39:32.

everything he can to save her. If only Mtunduwatha had been

:39:33.:39:55.

diagnosed even a day earlier, she might not now be fighting

:39:56.:40:15.

for her life. ?30 you'd give would pay for 100

:40:16.:40:43.

children to be diagnosed. That was the voice of

:40:44.:41:32.

David Tennant there. and I remember an appeal he did

:41:33.:41:48.

a few years ago and him being in this malaria hospital

:41:49.:41:51.

and saying "Don't be the person who says I'll call tomorrow -

:41:52.:41:53.

don't be the person who puts it off and then realises a week later

:41:54.:41:57.

they never actually gave any cash". Please, right now -

:41:58.:42:00.

if you can - to save a life, Right, time to go back, way back,

:42:01.:42:03.

all the way back to the '80s, Here I am again, massively

:42:04.:42:42.

successful, friends with everyone, especially huge stars. Who would

:42:43.:42:48.

have thought it. Bond, from Gavin and Stacey, taking over the whole

:42:49.:42:55.

world. But I still need, remarkably, celebrity friends to help me get...

:42:56.:43:01.

I'm not ready yet. I haven't talked about myself enough. Wait a minute.

:43:02.:43:08.

Just get in. You can't stop on this road. It's very dangerous.

:43:09.:43:23.

I'm not a white woman. American, my way to Motown. Gladys. Gladys Knight

:43:24.:43:42.

and the pips. I have not got the pips with me. Not the singing pips.

:43:43.:43:48.

Those particular pips are six inches lower than last year.

:43:49.:44:01.

I'm going to put on some music and randomly, one of your songs might

:44:02.:44:10.

come up. If it does... Not one that you just look good singing. Will you

:44:11.:44:20.

join me if it comes on? Oh, I know this one. Come on, everybody.

:44:21.:44:26.

# (Too much for the man, he couldn't make it)

:44:27.:44:40.

# So he's leaving a life he's come to know, ooh

:44:41.:44:49.

# The world he left behind not so long ago

:44:50.:45:08.

# (Leaving on the midnight train), yeah

:45:09.:45:20.

# To a simpler place and time, oh, yes, he is

:45:21.:45:42.

Facts it get out, I've had enough of you, had enough of you. Make your

:45:43.:45:49.

mind up. How do you get away with it?

:45:50.:45:56.

Still to come, find out if romance is still blossoming in Love

:45:57.:46:00.

actually. They're raising money for Red Nose Day. They say he's going to

:46:01.:46:06.

be one of the biggest urban artists in the world.

:46:07.:46:10.

And something very special coming from the roof of the O2.

:46:11.:46:20.

Tonight, I've got a really special announcement to make., Fergie and

:46:21.:46:27.

GSK have come together and forged a partnership. GSK have said they will

:46:28.:46:33.

give ?3 million to fight malaria on the front line. So we can carry on

:46:34.:46:38.

helping communities like this one here in Tanzania. So thank you so

:46:39.:46:44.

much to GSK, and let's make malaria history.

:46:45.:46:51.

And even more incredible is that statistic.

:46:52.:46:58.

Malaria deaths in children under five have fallen by 71% since 2000.

:46:59.:47:01.

And you have had a big part to play in that, so thank you.

:47:02.:47:04.

And thank you to GSK, who haven't forgotten

:47:05.:47:08.

there are still thousands of young children who desperately need our

:47:09.:47:11.

Time for a much needed dose of hard-hitting journalism now.

:47:12.:47:15.

Jeremy Paxman has nothing on these two.

:47:16.:47:16.

I give you Donald and Davey Stott, The Stotts!

:47:17.:47:25.

Welcome, we ask the questions. Who is our guests? Let's see who their

:47:26.:47:51.

guest is tonight who will be interviewing this evening. It's the

:47:52.:47:57.

correspondent, Susanna Reid. Susanna Reid!

:47:58.:48:06.

Ladies and gentlemen, we know you all like a little exposure to cheer

:48:07.:48:14.

you right up. Check this out, Susanna! One, two, three, go!

:48:15.:48:22.

We've got use boiled onions, Susanna. Lovely. We boiled some milk

:48:23.:48:31.

and Lemsip and butter. And a gift for you, Susanna, the gift that

:48:32.:48:37.

keeps on giving, the greatest gift of all, jeans.

:48:38.:48:45.

I'm very grateful, thank you, they're lovely. Good lass.

:48:46.:48:54.

So Susanna, we ask the questions on the first question is this, you're

:48:55.:49:01.

at home having a nice relaxing time after a hard day of newsreading.

:49:02.:49:08.

Suddenly realise you are out of bog roll. You go to your blog and find a

:49:09.:49:12.

?10 note, do you use that or just slip off one of your socks and use

:49:13.:49:19.

that? Do I have to use either? It's that or your finger. You can use

:49:20.:49:24.

your sock? I will now know to use my sock, if

:49:25.:49:30.

I'm ever in that situation. OK. Susanna, you turn up at broadcasting

:49:31.:49:49.

centre, you turn up and your pants back to front, has ever happened? I

:49:50.:49:56.

have turned up with my frock on the wrong way. The next section is

:49:57.:50:05.

cinema section. Susanna, have you seen Kong? Noone no. It's out now,

:50:06.:50:17.

have you seen it? It's very heavy, with a twist in the middle. At the

:50:18.:50:23.

beginning there a couple of little... I don't know what to call

:50:24.:50:29.

them... It's quite hairy at the beginning. You could miss them quite

:50:30.:50:33.

easily. I don't feel like I'm missing anything right now! Enough

:50:34.:50:42.

about my crown jewels! Do you ever go to the pictures? Do you ever go?

:50:43.:50:46.

I'm just trying to keep my eyeliner above here. Very well done.

:50:47.:50:52.

When you are laid in bed with your husband Piers Morgan and he gets up,

:50:53.:50:58.

does he leave a residue, an oily substance on the bottom sheet that

:50:59.:51:05.

you can harvest and use to lubricate your tractor or lawn mower, for

:51:06.:51:09.

example? Well, I didn't hear all of the question because I stopped

:51:10.:51:13.

listening when you said laying in bed with my husband Piers Morgan. We

:51:14.:51:20.

are not married. You got divorced? We are TV husband-and-wife. We share

:51:21.:51:23.

a so far. Susanna, have you ever eaten brown

:51:24.:51:26.

bread? I like a roll. Sophisticated lady.

:51:27.:51:35.

Susanna, I have a last question for you. I'd like you to have a look at

:51:36.:51:43.

this. We have a soft creature in it. Put your hand in and touch the soft

:51:44.:51:50.

creature. Do I have to? Is it going to hurt? No. Just have a touch. Can

:51:51.:51:59.

I look first? Hazard no. I don't know what it is. Have a good touch.

:52:00.:52:11.

No! Ladies and gentlemen, Susanna Reid! Thank you very much everyone.

:52:12.:52:21.

We ask the questions! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:52:22.:52:28.

I don't know what I just saw... Graham Norton and

:52:29.:52:30.

Jonathan Ross could both learn something from their

:52:31.:52:31.

interview technique. Time now for another

:52:32.:52:33.

film from Ed Sheeran. He went to Liberia a few

:52:34.:52:35.

months ago to see first hand why your

:52:36.:52:36.

donations are so crucial. It's quite odd, because I'm

:52:37.:52:44.

on a beach, and you can hear You would assume that in hot

:52:45.:52:46.

weather, a beach would be paradise. But this is far from it,

:52:47.:52:52.

I've never felt so on edge in anywhere that I've been

:52:53.:52:55.

in my entire life. Across Africa, millions

:52:56.:53:04.

of the world's poorest children They're hidden away in any

:53:05.:53:10.

crevice they can find. This is obviously where

:53:11.:53:15.

they sleep every night. You do see them in the day

:53:16.:53:18.

and they're kids, running around Then, you come here on the beach,

:53:19.:53:41.

and there's loads of adults smoking and just these two tiny little thing

:53:42.:53:47.

sleeping in a boat around all of that, in the middle

:53:48.:53:50.

of Liberia's worst slum. How long have you been

:53:51.:53:53.

living on the streets? What do you want to be

:53:54.:54:07.

when you're older? What would you do if

:54:08.:54:25.

you were the President? If JD goes to school now,

:54:26.:54:47.

he will learn, he will succeed. But a couple more years

:54:48.:54:55.

like this, I think that's it. He's already quite shut

:54:56.:54:58.

off from the world. Once were done here,

:54:59.:55:01.

we're going to pack up the camera and these guys are going to be

:55:02.:55:04.

sleeping in their canoe at night with a lot

:55:05.:55:06.

of dangerous people about. Wake up in the morning and try

:55:07.:55:09.

and fend for themselves. This is the really harsh

:55:10.:55:11.

reality for street children As you're tucking your children

:55:12.:55:14.

into bed tonight, children like JD are huddling together,

:55:15.:55:19.

sleeping outside, in danger, Ed, pretty strong stuff,

:55:20.:55:21.

and that wasn't actually No - we were just

:55:22.:55:50.

about to leave when A huge commotion started. There was

:55:51.:56:08.

a guy a lot taller than you with JD in his hand smacking him and

:56:09.:56:12.

smacking him. What? When the cameras were still rolling? Hazard I think

:56:13.:56:16.

we got a little bit afterwards. Can we see a little bit more, what

:56:17.:56:24.

happened after that? It really doesn't feel right leaving at all.

:56:25.:56:32.

The only thing we can do... My natural instinct is to put them in

:56:33.:56:36.

the car and take them and put them somewhere in the city, but them in a

:56:37.:56:42.

hotel until we get them sorted. Can we do that? Please, tonight, pay for

:56:43.:56:50.

them to stay in a house until we get them into school. It doesn't matter

:56:51.:56:55.

how much it is. We'll get them in a house... With an older person to

:56:56.:57:01.

look after them. That's the problem, they're so little. I don't think we

:57:02.:57:09.

should go until that's sorted. We'll get you somewhere to stay tonight,

:57:10.:57:15.

OK? These kids, you give them an

:57:16.:57:18.

education, you give them hope. That's the main thing. I don't think

:57:19.:57:23.

it's just a financial thing, it's someone saying, you can believe

:57:24.:57:29.

this, and fulfilling a promise. This red they knows appeals... It tugs at

:57:30.:57:39.

your heartstrings and you want to donate to help a child. I think

:57:40.:57:43.

everyone here filming agrees we can't leave this place without

:57:44.:57:46.

sorting these kids out so we are going to sort these kids out that

:57:47.:57:51.

these kids are just five in a million, 2 million, 5 million, there

:57:52.:57:55.

are so many kids in the same situation as these kids. It's

:57:56.:57:57.

really, really important donate so we can get this these kids off the

:57:58.:58:01.

street, into school and give them a future.

:58:02.:58:15.

Yes, but that's only five in a lot. I've been told not to say this on

:58:16.:58:27.

watershed but one thing we couldn't show you in the film with those boys

:58:28.:58:32.

and a lot of the street boys get raped by older kids, which is even

:58:33.:58:36.

more harrowing. Just to get the kids off the streets, and it's not even

:58:37.:58:40.

that much, it would be like a tenner to take them out and put them in a

:58:41.:58:43.

good school. Thank you so much for that and that film. Please everyone,

:58:44.:58:49.

you can do exactly that. Save a kid from leaving a brutal life. You can

:58:50.:58:51.

call... Or text YES to 70210

:58:52.:58:56.

ten to give ?10. The busiest man in the world -

:58:57.:58:58.

but maybe nothing more In just a moment we'll be

:58:59.:59:08.

going back to Micky and Joe in our calamitous Comedy Kitchen,

:59:09.:59:19.

we've got an exclusive Welcome to Your Mum: a little game

:59:20.:59:24.

that unearths a few embarrassing secrets about our hosts and more

:59:25.:59:36.

importantly, their dear mothers. We have Luisa and Helen. Romesh and

:59:37.:00:01.

his mum and cajole and penny. -- Joel and penny. We have some photos,

:00:02.:00:05.

look at that. Romesh, an original gangster even back then. Look at

:00:06.:00:11.

that face! Here's how the game works. For the sons and daughter I

:00:12.:00:15.

will read out some statements made by your mum and you have to think if

:00:16.:00:21.

it was your mum or one of the other mothers by holding up your palate.

:00:22.:00:25.

On one side it says my mum and on the other it says your mum. These

:00:26.:00:29.

are all absolutely true facts your kids do not know about. This... Are

:00:30.:00:34.

you ready. Here we go, fact number one, one of the mothers said this...

:00:35.:00:38.

I lied to my child about how much I enjoyed their school play faster by

:00:39.:00:42.

actually left at the beginning to go shopping instead. Wow. Whoever that

:00:43.:00:50.

was, you are a horrible mum. Who do you think? Your mum or one of the

:00:51.:01:00.

others? Let's find out which of the mums it actually was. Yes! Oh my

:01:01.:01:13.

God! Is it any wonder I went into comedy after that? We are all

:01:14.:01:19.

tempted to go to your gigs and walk out early but this must have been a

:01:20.:01:26.

terrible show. I'm sorry I thought my mum left. You were straight up

:01:27.:01:29.

with your response. It's the kind of thing she would do. One of the mums

:01:30.:01:35.

said this, I once caught my partner talking to another woman, to get him

:01:36.:01:40.

back I used his toothbrush to clean the entire house, sinks and toilets

:01:41.:01:45.

as well. Was that your mum or one of the other mums? No one wants to take

:01:46.:01:52.

responsibility. OK, mums, who is responsible? Ha-ha! Are you joking?

:01:53.:02:08.

That such a maternal thing to do, because you get revenge but the

:02:09.:02:11.

house is immaculate afterwards. Did you clean everything with the

:02:12.:02:16.

toothbrush, the toilet? Only the tiles. Ha-ha! OK. Don't know if you

:02:17.:02:22.

will still be talking after this one. One of the mums said, I have

:02:23.:02:28.

snogged and 80s pop star. Which one of your mums had some fun with a 80s

:02:29.:02:39.

pop star? Let's vote now. You want it to be true. I can tell you that

:02:40.:02:50.

the pop star was Meatloaf. OK, which mum was it? What! You snogged

:02:51.:03:03.

Meatloaf, really? We were very little. We were in the same primary

:03:04.:03:09.

school. So you were young, but who was it? Curt Smith from Tears for

:03:10.:03:18.

Fears. Shout, shout, take your tongue out. Now we are going to do a

:03:19.:03:24.

question that one of the children had some information and the mums

:03:25.:03:29.

don't know, this is the time for the mums to vote. Which of your kids

:03:30.:03:34.

said this? My first kiss was with someone of the same six.

:03:35.:03:42.

OK. You've think that you have and you have a gender fluid child. You

:03:43.:03:54.

are fairly convinced that yours is a heterosexual young man, not keen.

:03:55.:04:05.

Which of you was it? Boom, right in there. I hope it was beautiful. It

:04:06.:04:14.

was amazing, but then he cheated on me. Let's face it, everyone is a

:04:15.:04:23.

winner tonight, thank you. You all get to take home a Your Mum jersey.

:04:24.:04:32.

Congratulations. But all the time we've got four Your Mum, ladies and

:04:33.:04:34.

gentlemen. On Monday, Queen of the airwaves

:04:35.:04:38.

Sara Cox donned her finest day-glo lycra for a Sounds Of The '80s

:04:39.:04:43.

24-hour Danceathon. That was exhausting but she's back

:04:44.:04:53.

on her dancing feet and is with us. That is demented but an incredible

:04:54.:05:01.

achievement. It was pretty intense mentally and physically. My Radio 2

:05:02.:05:04.

listeners came through like a storm and we raised ?1.1 million. I was

:05:05.:05:12.

hoping we would do that otherwise it would have been really awkward.

:05:13.:05:21.

Everyone really marked in, everyone donated. So why on earth, what

:05:22.:05:26.

possessed you to agree to do that? I ask myself that question a lot.

:05:27.:05:32.

There was a big booming voice that would say, 23 hours left. But I saw

:05:33.:05:39.

the work that Comic Relief do in January, and basically they made me

:05:40.:05:45.

do it. They do that, don't they? It's kind of tax. Just attacks on

:05:46.:05:54.

having a lovely job -- a tax. Two years ago Dermot O'Leary danced the

:05:55.:05:58.

24-hour 's. He looked like a man in Labour to me. It was like a really

:05:59.:06:06.

long labour, friends rushing around. You've done it this time. Who are

:06:07.:06:10.

you going to nominate for two years' time? A good friend and colleague

:06:11.:06:15.

but he will hate me for this, I have just sent him a text message. He

:06:16.:06:21.

loves music. When he was on strictly Len Goodman says he dances like a

:06:22.:06:24.

stalker that's been hit by lightning and his name is Jeremy Vine. Jeremy

:06:25.:06:40.

Vine -- like a stork. Still to come. Peter Kay, more from French and

:06:41.:06:45.

Saunders. We stop the dancing now, it's finished. It was like four days

:06:46.:06:55.

ago. I knew that. I totally didn't know that. I'm going to style this

:06:56.:07:02.

out. I just feel that people, the nation at home need to see this body

:07:03.:07:09.

in this outfit with an unsupportive bra doing some 80s moves. Hit the

:07:10.:07:19.

music! Everyone at home, get up off your sofas.

:07:20.:07:24.

Here's Joel Dommett and Lisa Snowdon with a special thank you to the guys

:07:25.:07:29.

We are in TK Maxx for two special reasons. A massive thank you to

:07:30.:07:43.

everybody who has bought and sold this amazing range of Comic Relief

:07:44.:07:45.

merchandise and the superb fundraising activities. The second

:07:46.:07:51.

reason is to sort this out. I like my body warm and my arms cold. With

:07:52.:07:56.

the specially designed T-shirts, tea towels and aprons they are aiming to

:07:57.:08:00.

raise the bar even higher and to be honest it couldn't get any lower.

:08:01.:08:05.

You are so mean, what happened to you? Go and try them on. I'm really

:08:06.:08:11.

insecure, you're not helping. Who are you? Sorry, are the changing

:08:12.:08:17.

rooms this way? You have no style or sense of fashion. Why is everybody

:08:18.:08:25.

insultingly? I'm not standing for this any longer. The Oscars are

:08:26.:08:30.

stupid! Meryl Streep loves my outfit. Who are all these people? I

:08:31.:08:34.

just thought you needed a second opinion. Anyway, time to say thank

:08:35.:08:43.

you. I've got a great idea. Thank you! I can spell, ma'am!

:08:44.:08:52.

Thank you to everyone at TK Maxx and also to our good friends

:08:53.:08:55.

Warwick and I can now reveal that the total made

:08:56.:09:00.

You want to do this? It's ?4,500,388. A huge thank you to

:09:01.:09:25.

everyone for that amazing total. Still time to buy those brilliant

:09:26.:09:26.

T-shirts and do your bit. Let's see how Joe Lycett

:09:27.:09:29.

and Micky Flanagan are getting on. Remember, they're live

:09:30.:09:32.

all night, running a pizza Joe, how are your

:09:33.:09:34.

doughballs shaping up? We need 40 margaritas. 40, yes, 40.

:09:35.:09:46.

Ten Hawaiians. Maybe let's do some spicy ones. All large. Bring them to

:09:47.:09:52.

pizza express in the O2. It's not a joke. Yeah. Basically I've had

:09:53.:09:58.

Mickey Flanagan doing them and he can't cook for his life. Just look

:09:59.:10:08.

for Val. Basically what happened, Mickey hasn't made a decent pizza

:10:09.:10:12.

all night and so what we've have to do is order dominoes. There is a

:10:13.:10:18.

dominoes coming to pizza express. I don't think we are going to make a

:10:19.:10:21.

lot of money for Comic Relief right now. We have a bucket with donations

:10:22.:10:26.

people have made tonight. I dread to think how much people have put in.

:10:27.:10:31.

Nicky has really let me down here. Let's have a look. Just wanted to

:10:32.:10:36.

recreate that pose. I look nice there, don't I? Oh God. I mean, that

:10:37.:10:44.

is dreadful, isn't it? That is not good. I'm going to have a word with

:10:45.:10:50.

Mickey, where is he? What are you doing? I'm having a drink. We've got

:10:51.:10:54.

to serve customers. Look how much we've learned. That's all right,

:10:55.:11:03.

isn't it? Do you want me to put mine back, would that help? It was for

:11:04.:11:12.

the cab home. It's still not enough. I'm talking to the girls. I'm like

:11:13.:11:20.

an ornithologist, talking to the birds. I'm going to see if Pat Sharp

:11:21.:11:29.

has got anything. We've only made ?40. Nice. Very nice, Pat. Ten quid

:11:30.:11:41.

from Pat Sharp. He was on radio one back in the day. Val, how much have

:11:42.:11:50.

you made? About ?130. Val's made ?130. What have you done? I'm

:11:51.:12:00.

drinking. I don't think you've got a future in being in a restaurant, I'm

:12:01.:12:04.

going to be honest. Have you had a nice time? Very nice. Thank you so

:12:05.:12:13.

much, we will find out the final total on Graham Norton's show. We've

:12:14.:12:18.

done our best. We've made a hundred quid. Up next is a video of things

:12:19.:12:22.

going on up and down the country. Goodbye.

:12:23.:12:48.

# You'll never feel happy # Until you try

:12:49.:12:55.

# You'll never, never, never feel happy

:12:56.:12:57.

# Until you try # You'll never feel happy

:12:58.:13:06.

# Until you try # Everybody needs this happy thing

:13:07.:13:13.

# Everybody needs this # Everybody needs this happy thing

:13:14.:13:20.

# You'll never feel happy # Until you try #.

:13:21.:13:32.

I've come to the children's ward at Redemption Hospital in Liberia.

:13:33.:13:38.

I had some idea of what I might experience.

:13:39.:13:46.

But nothing prepared me for seeing a child desperately ill,

:13:47.:13:48.

This is Tabitha and her father, Alexander.

:13:49.:14:06.

Tabitha's mum is seriously ill, so her father is taking

:14:07.:14:09.

It's just awful to think that this still happens.

:14:10.:14:19.

But there's a little girl who is so malnourished that her dad

:14:20.:14:22.

One in every three children in Liberia suffers from malnutrition.

:14:23.:14:36.

Put simply, they're not getting enough of the right food.

:14:37.:14:39.

To try and get her temperature down, and to just feed her body,

:14:40.:14:55.

but when we first got here, her little stomach was just

:14:56.:14:57.

How they are as composed is amazing to witness,

:14:58.:15:22.

you just sort of see incredibly skilled people saving a girl's life.

:15:23.:15:29.

If her dad hadn't brought her today, she probably would have died?

:15:30.:15:32.

All Tabitha's father can do now is comfort his little girl.

:15:33.:15:55.

# One for the master, and one for the girl...

:15:56.:16:00.

# And one for the little boy who lives down the lane #

:16:01.:16:09.

When I left Liberia, I thought Tabitha

:16:10.:16:11.

But when I got back, we actually found out that she had died.

:16:12.:16:20.

Despite everything that happened, her dad insisted

:16:21.:16:21.

To think that in 2017, there's still children in the world

:16:22.:16:31.

And that's where you come in, if you donate money we can get

:16:32.:16:38.

emergency food to children like Tabitha and they won't die.

:16:39.:16:42.

So if you can spare some money, then please give generously tonight.

:16:43.:16:53.

These things are very complicated but also simple,

:16:54.:17:11.

in that we've seen time and time again how simple things can

:17:12.:17:16.

make a huge difference, like vaccinations and health workers

:17:17.:17:18.

helping parents do the right thing at the right time.

:17:19.:17:20.

Sometimes, Red Nose Day is the difference

:17:21.:17:22.

between life and death and you can be part of that right now

:17:23.:17:26.

We know these films are very upsetting and had to watch, but

:17:27.:17:41.

you're watching this you want to help and you can help.

:17:42.:17:49.

Texts cost your donation plus your standard network message charge.

:17:50.:17:51.

100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief.

:17:52.:17:53.

You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill payer's permission.

:17:54.:17:57.

For full terms and conditions and more information,

:17:58.:17:59.

please go to bbc.co.uk/rednoseday, which is also where

:18:00.:18:00.

And when you call up, don't forget about Gift Aid.

:18:01.:18:09.

It's a great scheme that means if you're a UK taxpayer,

:18:10.:18:12.

Comic Relief can claim back 25 pence for every pound you give.

:18:13.:18:14.

That's an extra 25% on top ? at no extra cost to you.

:18:15.:18:17.

So when you're asked, please say yes.

:18:18.:18:20.

Now, a man who's done a lot for us over the years,

:18:21.:18:30.

he's a Comic Relief hero, and one of my personal

:18:31.:18:32.

Very excited about Peter here! That's the sort of response he

:18:33.:18:44.

deserves. Every year, he does

:18:45.:18:45.

something amazing for us - from the barn-storming

:18:46.:18:49.

Amarillo Number 1, to last Comic Relief, when he and the cast

:18:50.:18:51.

of Phoenix Nights raised over ?5 million with their live

:18:52.:18:56.

show in Manchester. Well, this year, he's come up

:18:57.:19:01.

with another very original plan which we're going to tell

:19:02.:19:05.

you about in a couple of minutes. Meanwhile, a little

:19:06.:19:08.

reminder of the glory # Is this the Way to Amarillo?

:19:09.:19:19.

# Every night I've been hugging my Pirlo

:19:20.:19:29.

# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo #. # Sit down, sit down, sit down next

:19:30.:19:37.

to me #. # Wasn't he fine? Hazard

:19:38.:19:44.

# So fine #. # I would walk 500 miles and I would

:19:45.:19:52.

walk 500 more... #. Hurry up, I want a cup of tea. Keep

:19:53.:19:55.

your hair on! This year, Peter has arranged

:19:56.:20:00.

a rather marvellous and original If you are a fan of Car Share,

:20:01.:20:06.

I think you might be about to go A man... A woman... A car... No, not

:20:07.:20:30.

that car, that car! Are back. You've got mud all over your pants, come

:20:31.:20:36.

here. I've got spit on them now. Car Share. Leave it, I'll get it off in

:20:37.:20:46.

the bog. For one night only in 250 cinema screens across written, Comic

:20:47.:20:51.

Relief proudly presents a very special night of Car Share, with a

:20:52.:20:58.

very exclusive Q and a with Peter Kay and John Gibson, where you get

:20:59.:21:02.

to ask the questions, including never before footage, outtakes, plus

:21:03.:21:10.

the very first time ever, the world premiere of two brand-new episodes

:21:11.:21:11.

of Kashi. Series two. So there you go - and tickets

:21:12.:21:22.

for Peter Kay's special Comic Relief Car Share Night

:21:23.:21:26.

go on sale... Yes, right now you can

:21:27.:21:30.

buy your exclusive tickets via bbc.co.uk/rednoseday

:21:31.:21:34.

and all the profits, pounds and pounds and pounds,

:21:35.:21:37.

from every ticket sold The screenings are next Friday 31st

:21:38.:21:39.

March, exclusive to all Vue You'll have one of the greatest

:21:40.:21:44.

nights - and Comic Relief Thank you, Peter, and thanks

:21:45.:21:49.

to everyone who goes - book now! OK, time to go back up to our

:21:50.:21:59.

biscuit base with Richard Osman, who has the results of our

:22:00.:22:05.

World Cup semi-finals. Welcome back to the semifinals of

:22:06.:22:19.

the World Cup of biscuits. You've been voting in your hundreds of

:22:20.:22:25.

thousands. Before we reveal the finalists, congratulations to all

:22:26.:22:29.

the biscuits involved. They have shown themselves in a good way, all

:22:30.:22:33.

drug tested and they are free of them. A brief worry earlier when I

:22:34.:22:40.

thought I'd been hacked because of a Russian biscuits leading the

:22:41.:22:43.

semifinal but it's fine. We will reveal the winner. What you think of

:22:44.:22:48.

this semifinalist, Joel? Hazard excellent. I really like a custard

:22:49.:22:55.

cream, I take it apart and then I beaver the middle.

:22:56.:23:07.

OK... Rob? A very chocolatey... You know what upsets me most about the

:23:08.:23:12.

fact the chocolate hobnob had to knock out its own brethren. It's

:23:13.:23:17.

like the Miliband brothers all over again. Sally, look at these. I would

:23:18.:23:25.

vote for the chocolate hobnob. I think a custard cream is boring. I

:23:26.:23:28.

know it has an interesting texture on the top, but a tiny bit dull. And

:23:29.:23:33.

they've started downsizing some other biscuits. When you get them in

:23:34.:23:38.

a ten, their repressive. Other biscuits are being made custard

:23:39.:23:43.

cream shape. This is getting a bit... Time to reveal our two

:23:44.:23:51.

finalists. It is 50-50 in the first poll but I can reveal... We will get

:23:52.:23:56.

onto that one in a second. Let's get to this one first, 51-49. In the

:23:57.:24:02.

World Cup of Biscuits, you cannot complain if you didn't vote, this is

:24:03.:24:07.

your fault. The first semifinalist is... Chocolate digestive. Chocolate

:24:08.:24:14.

digestive! Classic old school chocolate digestive. Noone they

:24:15.:24:16.

don't like the oats, do they? Noone they don't like

:24:17.:24:20.

the oats, do they? If someone can tell me if it will be

:24:21.:24:29.

the chocolate fingers... Or the custard cream? The poll is ending

:24:30.:24:37.

any second now and it is 50-50. So exciting! It is two biscuits. The

:24:38.:24:45.

winner is chocolate fingers! I am disappointed. That is the final,

:24:46.:24:49.

chocolate digestive against chocolate finger. There are the

:24:50.:24:54.

details on screen. Please vote responsibly. Now you have the Red

:24:55.:25:01.

Nose Day Love actually premiere coming up but first, time to go back

:25:02.:25:03.

to our karaoke Queen 's. Here I am again, Obama. You won't

:25:04.:25:18.

know who this one is, it's unfathomable. Will you just wait

:25:19.:25:24.

till I've stopped the car? Stop now. OK, get in. You can't stop on this

:25:25.:25:32.

road, it's very dangerous. Hello. No idea. Brand-new hoodie and trainers,

:25:33.:25:47.

is it wrap? Crime, you idiot. You dirty girl. Shut up. I'm going to

:25:48.:26:02.

crimp my pig. And go to my hood and see my gal. Listen to me, this is

:26:03.:26:07.

how it's going to roll, I'm going to put some music on...

:26:08.:26:11.

# Went to the show sitting in the front row

:26:12.:26:30.

# In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown

:26:31.:26:33.

# Yeah, take time if a man wanna try me, no time

:26:34.:26:39.

# I pick up the mic and it's reload time

:26:40.:26:42.

# That's why I got gigs just like Joe Grind

:26:43.:26:44.

# Don't care 'bout the no smoking sign

:26:45.:26:46.

# This ain't a culture, it's my religion

:26:47.:26:50.

# But if a man wanna try me, trust me, listen

:26:51.:26:59.

# Went to the show sitting in the front row

:27:00.:27:05.

# In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown

:27:06.:27:09.

We're here, we're here. Thank God for that! Get out. Come and meet my

:27:10.:27:25.

girl, you're like! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:27:26.:27:27.

Ladies and gentlemen, they're two of a kind.

:27:28.:27:29.

Give it up for the legends that are Dawn French and

:27:30.:27:31.

Here's Rob Brydon with a special thank you to our

:27:32.:27:37.

The amazing people who shop and work at Sainsbury's in fundraising,

:27:38.:27:51.

buying Red Nose Day goodies. I'd come along to say thank you. You may

:27:52.:27:56.

have bought one of these red noses or a wristband, thank you Charlotte,

:27:57.:28:02.

or even a mug, thank you, Poppy. You may have even taken part in

:28:03.:28:05.

fundraising activities yourself, however large or small, you have

:28:06.:28:09.

helped to change peoples lives. You see, really is money well spent...

:28:10.:28:16.

Sorry, I thought I turned it off. Hello? You are supposed to call me.

:28:17.:28:21.

Highly, I'm doing a call for Comic Relief. I don't know who you are. A

:28:22.:28:25.

thing to do, it's Rob, you called me. I don't know what you want to it

:28:26.:28:28.

would be wonderful if you made a donation to Comic Relief. I don't

:28:29.:28:35.

have money but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.

:28:36.:28:40.

Really, if you know how to operate a till, Sue is feeling a bit peaky and

:28:41.:28:44.

we could do with some help on checkout five. I will look for you,

:28:45.:28:50.

I will find you. I'm sure you will, we're in aisle seven near the

:28:51.:28:54.

biscuits. Sorry about that, Liam is a bit intense. Back to the reason

:28:55.:28:57.

we're here, a big thank you to everyone that...

:28:58.:29:03.

That that's taken you by surprise. Ready everyone? Thank you!

:29:04.:29:17.

Thank you so much to everyone at Sainsbury's and thank

:29:18.:29:19.

you to all of you at home who have gone into stores and bought your

:29:20.:29:22.

Right, this is totally incredible because we can now reveal

:29:23.:29:27.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Incredible, the highest ever

:29:28.:29:43.

donation on the night! In five minutes, Red Nose Day

:29:44.:29:48.

Actually, but first it's over to Lenny, who has a crucial

:29:49.:29:51.

message for us all. And sure you've been expecting this.

:29:52.:29:59.

I just wanted to take a moment to talk about the terrible famine that

:30:00.:30:02.

spin on the news in the last few weeks.

:30:03.:30:06.

We've been going a long time together now, you and us.

:30:07.:30:09.

Back in 1985, there was a crisis in Ethiopia, a famine

:30:10.:30:12.

of biblical proportions, and some bright spark thought

:30:13.:30:14.

"I know, let's send in a bunch of comedians to help" ? worst idea

:30:15.:30:17.

ever, but together it's evolved and we're proud -

:30:18.:30:19.

I'm so very proud of what we have achieved together.

:30:20.:30:22.

At Comic Relief, we're committed to long-term change.

:30:23.:30:23.

We give people a leg up and gradually change or communities for

:30:24.:30:26.

the better. But sometimes, big stuff happens

:30:27.:30:28.

which upsets a whole country. Two years ago we gave life-saving

:30:29.:30:37.

help when Ebola struck. And now there's a crisis in four countries

:30:38.:30:42.

in Africa. It's real and it's very frightening. More than half the

:30:43.:30:46.

population of Yemen is hungry, half a country. To my people don't know

:30:47.:30:51.

where their next meal is coming from. There's no food at all and

:30:52.:30:55.

parents are watching their children die of hunger before their very

:30:56.:30:59.

eyes. We set up Comic Relief after a famine and it would be crazy not to

:31:00.:31:03.

give some of that cash tonight to help this intense emergency. Now

:31:04.:31:09.

you, the brilliant and generous British public, have the power to

:31:10.:31:11.

save lives right now. If you can't part with some cash tonight and next

:31:12.:31:15.

week we can reach families who are literally starving to death. This is

:31:16.:31:20.

an opportunity right now, to be part of the news in a good way, to save a

:31:21.:31:24.

life tonight. Please, please, please give what you can. You know the

:31:25.:31:28.

details but I'm going to save again, so you can see how easy it is do. Go

:31:29.:31:32.

online... Or pick up the phone and dial 03457

:31:33.:31:38.

910 910 and when someone answers, proudly tell them that

:31:39.:31:43.

you're part of the team, you want to give some

:31:44.:31:46.

of your own money to help others. If you can give us ?20,

:31:47.:31:50.

text yes to 70020. If you can afford a tenner,

:31:51.:31:53.

text yes to 70010. . We are finally within touching

:31:54.:32:05.

distance of Red Nose Day Actually and we will find out what happened

:32:06.:32:09.

to all our favourite characters from that great movie. Before I go any

:32:10.:32:14.

further I'm meant to be interrupted right now.

:32:15.:32:21.

Before you go any further, I need to remind everyone

:32:22.:32:28.

At ten o'clock, don't forget to switch over to BBC Two,

:32:29.:32:41.

where I will be hosting a very respectable show for Red Nose Day.

:32:42.:32:44.

That just so happens to be in a hot tub on top of The O2.

:32:45.:32:48.

And there will be a planet Earth special. That's amazing, don't miss

:32:49.:32:50.

that. That may look like a giraffe, it is

:32:51.:33:00.

actually a lion in a novelty giraffe costume. Like all novelty costumes

:33:01.:33:08.

used in the wild there are no eyeholes as without opposable thumbs

:33:09.:33:10.

it's impossible for the lion to use scissors. That's the third spectator

:33:11.:33:14.

he's hit this mile. As I was saying, we are just

:33:15.:33:26.

a few minutes away from? I'm being interrupted again. Graham

:33:27.:33:33.

Norton, ladies and gentlemen. You're not going to give Greg a plug

:33:34.:33:47.

for his show and not mine, are you? I'll be on BBC One after the news

:33:48.:33:51.

hosting my Big Chat Live, a one-off totally live chat show

:33:52.:33:54.

for Comic Relief! With over 30 guests. It sounds

:33:55.:33:57.

hideous. It's going to be epic. Don't miss

:33:58.:34:10.

Graham and his enormous couch. You love films, don't you?

:34:11.:34:16.

Right, I cannot believe I'm about to say this.

:34:17.:34:19.

Back together on the big screen for the first time

:34:20.:34:22.

MUSIC: God Only Knows by The Beach Boys.

:34:23.:34:38.

I'll get it. I'd be without you.

:34:39.:35:01.

He's not going to believe that, it's March.

:35:02.:35:11.

They're raising money for Red Nose Day.

:35:12.:35:13.

Give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.

:35:14.:35:18.

JO WHILEY ON RADIO: And tomorrow is Red Nose Day and we hope everyone

:35:19.:36:54.

will be giving a little cash to this great cause.

:36:55.:36:57.

Maybe even our Prime Minister himself, back in Number Ten

:36:58.:36:59.

Here's a little song to loosen your loose change.

:37:00.:37:06.

# You used to call me on my cell phone.

:37:07.:37:15.

# And I know when that hotline bling.

:37:16.:37:29.

# You got a reputation for yourself now.

:37:30.:37:45.

# Everybody knows and I feel left out...

:37:46.:37:51.

# You started wearing less and goin' out more.

:37:52.:38:07.

# Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor.

:38:08.:38:11.

# Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before.

:38:12.:38:14.

How many times have I told you not to dance down the stairs?

:38:15.:38:19.

When I hear that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing.

:38:20.:38:26.

I liked it best when you worked for me.

:38:27.:38:38.

So, Billy Mack, welcome back to the airwaves.

:38:39.:38:47.

Billy, you have released a charity single, and it's a cover version

:38:48.:38:50.

of the ZZ Top classic Gimme All Your Lovin'.

:38:51.:38:53.

Yes, except we've changed the word "lovin'" to "money".

:38:54.:39:00.

a wonderful charity supporting children.

:39:01.:39:03.

No, the truth is, I like the kids who buy my records.

:39:04.:39:09.

Even you must have noted how short and selfish they are.

:39:10.:39:15.

I've got an autobiography coming out and I need a bit of publicity.

:39:16.:39:24.

Billy, I see you haven't got your manager with you today.

:39:25.:39:41.

Tell me, has he finally left you after you being so rude about him?

:39:42.:39:44.

Well, for giving an honest answer to a question.

:39:45.:40:12.

That never happens here at Radio Watford.

:40:13.:40:16.

Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.

:40:17.:40:19.

OK, I probably asked you this last time you were here,

:40:20.:40:22.

It's definitely one of the Kardashians.

:40:23.:40:33.

Are you looking for anything in particular?

:40:34.:40:45.

It'll be ready in the jiffiest of jiffies.

:40:46.:41:39.

This is so much more than just a bag.

:41:40.:41:49.

Do you remember the first time I drove you?

:41:50.:41:51.

I remember looking at you and thinking "What a handsome man.

:41:52.:41:59.

I wished you could speak Portuguese so I could tell you how I felt.

:42:00.:42:42.

There was something about central heating, wasn't there?

:42:43.:42:46.

By the way, very attractive turtleneck today.

:42:47.:42:54.

Can we have rice with it this time, though?

:42:55.:43:47.

I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.

:43:48.:44:08.

And of course, the yoghurt-coated raisins.

:44:09.:44:15.

I know, I thought I'd give you a surprise visit.

:44:16.:44:56.

The surprise is, you have to pay for my flight.

:44:57.:45:00.

That's OK. My God, you've grown.

:45:01.:45:01.

No, I'm just wearing high-heeled trainers.

:45:02.:45:03.

I'm worried. You haven't been in touch.

:45:04.:45:15.

I know, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind.

:45:16.:45:18.

I can help you with money, you know. I'm loaded.

:45:19.:45:23.

Well, it's more of a love thing, actually.

:45:24.:45:29.

You should have had this sorted out ages ago.

:45:30.:45:40.

the only person you've ever genuinely been in love with

:45:41.:45:46.

was that cute wee girl, the singer at school.

:45:47.:45:48.

We met up in New York and, er, well, that's why we're here.

:45:49.:46:11.

I was wondering if I could ask for your son's hand in marriage.

:46:12.:46:24.

All you want for Christmas is this stringbean?

:46:25.:46:31.

Prime Minister, what happened to your arm?

:46:32.:47:15.

I fell down the stairs while dancing to Hotline Bling.

:47:16.:47:17.

I believe it happened to Palmerston as well.

:47:18.:47:20.

Yes, Prime Minister, when you came to power the first time,

:47:21.:47:27.

You said that the power of good could finally win,

:47:28.:47:31.

14 years later, do you still feel as upbeat?

:47:32.:47:39.

Obviously, times for many people have got harder and people

:47:40.:47:46.

And it's not just in politics that things are tough.

:47:47.:47:52.

Usain Bolt has run his last Olympics.

:47:53.:47:54.

The Harry Potter films have finished.

:47:55.:47:55.

But, let's look at the other side of the coin.

:47:56.:48:03.

Metallica's new album is an absolute cracker.

:48:04.:48:05.

And on a deeper level, I'm optimistic.

:48:06.:48:09.

Wherever you see tragedy, you see bravery too.

:48:10.:48:14.

Wherever you see ordinary people in need,

:48:15.:48:18.

you see extraordinary ordinary people come to their aid.

:48:19.:48:22.

Today's Red Nose Day, and people are giving their hard-earned cash

:48:23.:48:26.

to people who they'll never meet, but whose pain and fear

:48:27.:48:28.

So it's not just romantic love which is all around.

:48:29.:48:39.

Most people still, every day, everywhere, have enough love

:48:40.:48:45.

in their heart to help human beings in trouble.

:48:46.:48:48.

Prime Minister, what do you think is the best

:48:49.:49:04.

Wow - I didn't expect that to be so on message.

:49:05.:49:58.

I'm so proud of how Comic Relief does bring people together and does

:49:59.:50:01.

support people doing the best charity work.

:50:02.:50:04.

Please, if you enjoyed that show, the only

:50:05.:50:08.

reason they all made that film was so you might

:50:09.:50:11.

Give a little love by actually reaching out to help

:50:12.:50:14.

But don't forget, we have so much more still to come.

:50:15.:50:18.

In fact, if you want even more Red Nose Day Actually,

:50:19.:50:21.

then Greg Davies will be kicking off his Hot Tub Half Hour

:50:22.:50:24.

with a very exclusive look behind the scenes of that film.

:50:25.:50:28.

But now, back to Jonathan. This is the end of part one.

:50:29.:50:34.

Can we just ask, if you've had a good night so far,

:50:35.:50:37.

please do that one decisive thing and

:50:38.:50:39.

It'll completely change and save the lives of terrifically

:50:40.:50:43.

vulnerable children all over the world's poorest communities.

:50:44.:51:21.

Your money will also help people all over the UK,

:51:22.:51:25.

from the brave young carers who give their lives to their parents,

:51:26.:51:28.

right up to the older people Billy Connolly asked

:51:29.:51:30.

Sometimes I can't hug my mum because she's very hurting. I calm her down

:51:31.:51:47.

if she's upset. She said unfortunately you've got

:51:48.:51:57.

early onset... Early onset Alzheimer's. One evening she looked

:51:58.:52:05.

at me and said, where's Bob? And I'm Bob. The bottom dropped out of my

:52:06.:52:07.

world then. And tonight, it'll also directly,

:52:08.:52:09.

in the days ahead, give money to fight the famine

:52:10.:52:12.

that is threatening to steal life from hundreds of thousands

:52:13.:52:14.

of terrified and innocent victims. This is the heart of the area

:52:15.:52:27.

declared in famine. Thousands of people have gathered in the central

:52:28.:52:30.

area to register to receive food aid.

:52:31.:52:35.

Most were women and children, hungry, tired and waiting under a

:52:36.:52:37.

burning sun. The mighty Rag'n'Bone Man is now

:52:38.:52:56.

here to sing his gorgeous song Skin, and he's asked us to ask

:52:57.:52:59.

you to give if you can - whatever you can ?

:53:00.:53:02.

by phone, online, by text. In this next three minutes,

:53:03.:53:04.

it would be wonderful if everyone just, well,

:53:05.:53:06.

gave a few quid. # The silence hits so hard

:53:07.:53:09.

cos it was almost love # Turn around, you're

:53:10.:54:11.

holding on to someone # It was almost love.

:54:12.:55:14.

# APPLAUSE

:55:15.:56:45.

Thank you so much. Please give generously.

:56:46.:56:54.

Thanks so much to Rag'n'Bone Man for that beautiful performance.

:56:55.:56:58.

Thank you for being here. You heard what he said at the end, you know

:56:59.:57:03.

what the message is. We've said it time and time again but...

:57:04.:57:07.

If you've been meaning to donate and still haven't got round to it,

:57:08.:57:10.

please don't put it off for another second.

:57:11.:57:12.

To give by phone, call 03457 910 910.

:57:13.:57:14.

You can also donate through a simple text message.

:57:15.:57:22.

Or you can go to bbc.co.uk/rednoseday.

:57:23.:57:25.

There's one thing we have left to do before we get to witness Greg Davies

:57:26.:57:36.

Here we go, I've got a good feeling about this.

:57:37.:57:47.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can announce that the current

:57:48.:57:49.

amount raised so far,for Red Nose Day 2017 is a monumental...

:57:50.:57:55.

Don't tell them yet, hold on, hold on. Are you ready for this total?

:57:56.:58:02.

CHEERING I said are you ready for this total?

:58:03.:58:11.

CHEERING Are you ready for this total?

:58:12.:58:16.

CHEERING Hit it. OK it is...

:58:17.:58:29.

Oh my gosh. LAUGHTER OK, that is fabulous.

:58:30.:58:56.

So many thousands of lives But the night is still

:58:57.:58:58.

young, it's just begun. There's loads more fun -

:58:59.:59:02.

there's still plenty more to come. On Red Nose Day tonight,

:59:03.:59:04.

we've Graham Norton's Big Chat live, the biggest couch in the history

:59:05.:59:08.

of chat shows, with a fruit salad of extraordinary

:59:09.:59:14.

guests - Dame Joan Collins, David Tennant, Gordon Ramsay

:59:15.:59:18.

and the biggest supermodel All that and Ed Sheeran and People

:59:19.:59:20.

Just Do Nothing, David Walliams and Jeremey Kyle and a special hour

:59:21.:59:32.

of live comedy from the one and only CHEERING

:59:33.:59:36.

. and a hiarlous look back

:59:37.:59:44.

at Comic Relief's biggest musical moments with Noel Fielding -

:59:45.:59:47.

and a dashing chap Jump over now to BBC Two

:59:48.:59:49.

for Greg Davies' Hot Tub Half Hour. We will see you back here later. See

:59:50.:59:57.

you later!

:59:58.:59:58.

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