Red Nose Day Comic Relief

Red Nose Day

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Welcome to another grey day in London town. Don't worry, it's Red


Nose Day. # It's time to bring


the goofballs out # We're here to persuade


you not to go out on the lash # Chill out,


relax and give some cash # And rounded up the talent


who had sod all else to do # So we jumped into our cars


and now we're here at the O2 MUSIC CHANGES TO


"GANGNAM STYLE" BY PSY # You won't believe


that we all showed up # To fill your cup


with Red Nose glee Ladies and gentlemen,


this is Red Nose Day 2017. Please welcome Jonathan Ross


and Sir Lenny Henry. Welcome to the only show


in the world that needs a government health warning ? yes,


we are live, yes, we are dangerous and yes, if rehearsals


are anything to go by, we are going to get


in trouble with the BBC! But what the heck ? it'll be worth


the ban if we can raise Are you with me?


As for that opening, how annoyed would you be


when you heard the traffic report? "There are severe tailbacks


at Junction 11 on the M4, owing to a spillage of annoyingly


upbeat musical theatre graduates We're live from Building Six


at the O2 ? yes, we've not even been we've been kicked out


of buildings one to five. Now, Lenny, I don't think anyone


will disagree with me when I say that you are the Daddy


of Red Nose Day, which, I suppose by default,


makes me the Mummy of And technically, that means this lot


must be our Comic Relief offspring. Ladies and gentlemen,


meet the kids, starting with... And we give you an actor,


a presenter, a writer and director. You can't put this guy in a box,


because it's considered "cruel". Do you want to explain to everyone


why you're holding a towel, I was told tonight that


I'd be hosting my very own portion of Red Nose Day,


which I was told would be And from one impressive package


to another, here's a look Coming up:


Take That and James Corden on Carpool Karaoke. Find out what


happened in the return of Love actually. Jeremy Kyle faces his


toughest guest, Jeremy Kyle. Shut up! Ed Sheeran gets the treatment.


Come on, I said a little bit of the guitar. Stop getting carried away.


Stars join Graham Norton on his biggest ever so far. Russell Brand


will bring you the best stand-up comedy. And Noel Fielding and


Jonathan Ross guide you through Comic Relief's most fantastic beats.


All this and more on tonight's Comic Relief.


Vic and Bob, French and Saunders, Joel Dommett. Rag'n'Bone Man. Global


megastar, the one and only Ed Sheeran.


You went from "global megastar, Ed" to "and Miranda Hart"?


Sorry - first lady of comedy and queen of all our hearts.


Right, Comic Relief hosts, studio audience, audience at home,


Tonight, I intend to serve as your, what I call, "roaming host".


I wish to make sure you're all fed, watered, relaxed, comfy, energized.


Now, come with me as I roam hither, and thank goodness I did


hither roam, for look, it's the Richard Osman!


Tall, pointless Richard Osman, what's going on here, please?


Tonight, Miranda, in honour of Comic Relief's long


history with baked goods, I'll be running


It's an online poll to find out once and for all,


Voting will continue throughout the night. Exciting times.


Until then, have a nibble on me, by which I mean take a custard


I meant one custard cream, not the plate.


There might be somebody else -- summit else who wants something off


my trolley. Do you want something from the


trolley? No. They look awful. Try one.


Now, let me ask you, with the utmost love,


Well, all evening, I'm going to be putting in a shift and working


at the local pizza joint for the whole evening.


And get this, I'll be sharing the experience with the tour de


He's firing up the ovens, God help us.


Get back here soon. Look at all these people! We are going under.


Get back here. Get back! We'll see how you're


getting on later. In three minutes, it's James Corden


in Carpool Karaoke, but first, time to remind ourselves


what tonight is all about - making miracles happen


with a bit of cash. He is suffering with


severe malnutrition. # Could you take care


his life is in danger. He's got chubby cheeks,


and every chance of a And that's thanks to you,


the money you raised to help These are packed full


of nutrients and are amazing for malnourished


children like Divine. They're very often the difference


between life and death. Really - that's the truth of it -


donations tonight can really be the difference


between life and death. And your money is needed now more


than ever, because of course sadly over the last few weeks,


we've been getting some dreadful news from East Africa,


where famine is spreading. And this has been a sad we get home.


We send love and thoughts to those affected by events in Westminster on


Tuesday. Tonight is an opportunity to save lives. Your generosity, year


after year, proves how much more there is that unites us than divides


us. Every donation is a good deed. It's our first amazing


Comic Relief Special of the night - with James Corden and


special guests Take That! I thought we were going to drive


around, have some fun. I don't care if he's sleep,


go and wake him up! Take That, Carpool Karaoke


for Comic Relief. # I don't know


what you're waiting for # Your time is coming,


don't be late, hey, hey # So, come on, see the light


on your face # Let it shine,


just let it shi-i-ine. This is the first time I've spent


any real time with you as a three. I figured out that if I leave,


I think Gary and Mark If you leave, Howard,


it's Robson and Jerome. to be here now in this


car is unreal for me. # Today this could be


the greatest day of our lives... # And the world comes alive, oh, oh,


oh # Watch the world come alive


tonight How has touring changed now compared


to what it was like in the '90s? I don't know what it's


like for you guys, but sometimes, You've got families,


you've got a home life. We're meeting people


before you go on. Sometimes, I can't wait to get


on there for a bit of peace. Because it's two


hours when no one... It's two hours where I put my ears


in and it's just me, my brothers and the audience,


and it's brilliant. I almost don't want to come off,


because I know I'm going back They're the same people,


but they're all older. So where they used to throw


bras and underwear, now, Well, it used to be teddies


we used to get thrown. Do you have a creche,


a Take That creche? That would be a real


moneyspinner, I think. Everything Changes


During The Menopause. # As I looked away,


I saw a face behind you. # And when I looked again,


I saw his face was shining. I thought of a quiz


that you could play. So you pick one and leave


one, which of the two? When was the last time


you had a full English? The problem with me is,


if I start eating food like that, I keep this photo of you, Howard,


in the car at all times. I keep it in the car


at all times, just for me. LAUGHTER


Just for me! I'd have lights on, though,


with that body, wouldn't you? With that body, my lights


would be on all the time. # As hot as the sun,


as hard as a stone. Howard's dreads, or


Gary's bleached hair? I stayed at his mansion,


And because I was staying there and I had my dreadlocks, he put


# Never forget where you're coming from.


# Someday soon, this will all be someone else's dream.


Well done lads, fantastic, it was great, wasn't it?


Stay tuned for part two, where we'll find out if James can


help the boys to finally crack America.


Tonight, we're committed to changing lives right here in the UK, so


here's a film about an amazing little girl called Becca.


This is Becca, and her good friend, Izzy. They are both nine years old


and about to start their day. Good morning. Here's your codeine and cup


of tea. Thank you. They lived in the same neighbourhood and are in the


same class at school, but they lead two very different lives, because


Becca is a young carer who looks after her mum. My mum has a lot of


pain and she doesn't really want to move when it's hurting. Becca's mum


condition means she can't do the things most mothers can and some


days she is physically unable to look after herself, so Becca has to


step in. You're welcome. Have a good swimmer.


It's hard sometimes because you've got more responsibilities than other


kids. It's been a long day for Becca and she has to do it all again in


the morning. But just around the corner there is an amazing project


funded by Comic Relief that's making a big difference. It gives children


like Becca a break from their huge responsibility at home and a chance


to have fun with other young carers. Shouldering the responsibility of


looking after someone you love can be hard for anyone, but for a child


it can be too much to bear. Sometimes I can't help my mum


because she's very hurting. I calm her down if she's upset.


Young carers, just like Becca, desperately need a bit of support.


You can help them tonight. Please call...


And tonight, you can actually help and support them,


100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief. You must be 16 or over


please asked the Bill Pryor's permission. For more information, go


to the website. And that website is also where you can donate online.


And let's talk about Gift Aid, if you make a donation there is an


extra 25% on top at no extra cost to you. So when you are asked, please


say yes because this is a night when every penny makes a huge difference.


Now time to check in with the kitchen nightmare and Joe Lycett.


Hello, welcome back to Pizza Express! Pizza Express, if you're


not familiar... Look, actual customers here. It sort of like


Pizza Hut but the customers here have jobs. These actual people are


here to give money for Comic Relief. I'm the maitre d' and these people


are eating and dining. This is Sue, hello. Sue is going to give me ?5


for a selfie, that's what she thinks I'm worth. He is a ?5. Do you want


to take the selfie? And, I'm not doing this on my own, I


have two friends to help me. In the kitchen I have head chef Micky


Flanagan is here and on deserts Valerie from Blake. What's going on


here? I've been making my source all day long. It would be wrong of you


not to. Am I going to lick the sauce off your fingers? Is it good? Please


donate to Comic Relief. Whatever got tonight? A Cockney special. What the


neck? Elk and eels. What is an elk? Basically a big winkle. I'll have a


few to go, please. They are on the demise, the elk. Val from Bake Off


is here. You are an amazing chef and every time you are on television


people say I look like you. Do you think is right, Micky, do you think


we look similar? I think she is much better looking to be honest! People


also say I look like Theresa May, based on these pictures. I'm not


sure that's fair, really! Do I look like Theresa May? Love it! What are


you making? I'm making a Friday Outrageous. What's in that? That was


impressive. Brownie, millionaire shortcake and then ice cream on top.


And it will look like this. I love it. With a red nose on top! We also


have a VIP area over here. This VIP area will have some very important


people in it, some celebrity guests. They are not here yet but it will be


very good. It's all to raise money out here. Out here... Look at me,


I'm here. In this bucket we will put all the donations in and try to get


as much money from these people in this restaurant. So it's all going


to go in there and we will do a count at the end of the evening. I'm


not eating bread so I am going to have some sushi. CHEERING AND


APPLAUSE Nice, thanks.


Over the years, all you fabulous schools have raised quite


a phenomenal amount for Red Nose Day, and 2017


This year you guys are on track to raise ?5.5 million!


Tonight, we'd like to say an extra special thank you to one school


in particular who've gone above and beyond.


I give you the students of St Nicholas Grammar




Fantastic. What's your name? Misha. What have you been doing to raise


money for Comic Relief? Basically I baked loads of red nose and Day


cakes and sold them at school. ?205. Brilliant, thank you. What's your


name and how have you been fundraising quest might I am Jamie


and I sat in a bath of baked beans in the middle of the school. People


supported me for how many hours I lasted. How long did you last? Five


minutes. Six hours. Amazing. Easy. How much did you raise? ?373. Lame.


Hello there. Are you excited to be


here on Red Nose Day These are just randoms


who smell like baked beans. That's because they've all been


doing their bit for charity. They'd said I'd meet famous


people if I came here. Comic Relief


isn't about getting on the telly That's handy, cos there


ain't no-one famous here. Listen, I'm sure you think you're


really funny, but everyone's here because they care about others


less well off and want to do their little bit


to make a difference. You have contributed zero,


helped no-one, and done nothing. And what's more, the whole country


has been watching you. What have you got to save yourself?


-- say for yourself? Look at my face, are you looking at


my face? Is any part of it bovvered? Look, face. I'm live on TV, I don't


care, not bovvered. Ed Sheeran, baked beans, shave your head, I


don't care, I ain't bovvered. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


You've been in Harry Potter, isn't it?


More of the boys coming up, plus we've also got Alan Partridge,


Peter Kay, Russell Brand, People Just Do Nothing,


Philomena Cunk, Toast Of London, Mrs Brown, Smack The Pony,


David Walliams, This Country, Frankie Boyle, Vic and Bob,


French and Saunders, Planet Earth, Graham Norton,


Greg Davies and part two of Carpool Karaoke.


And of course, not forgetting our feature presentation ? the return


of one of the world's best-loved romantic comedies.


It's been 13 years in the making and I'm so excited to say,


# At last # My love has come along. #


We'll do some of the song, you sing one and then I sing one, OK?


# Will be loving you till we're 70 # And baby my heart...#


It's been just over three years since the outbreak of Ebola killed


There aren't any live cases of it here now, but you still come


across the after-effects of it everywhere.


When was the last time you went to school?


I think that's going to happen, you got a beautiful voice.


The thing stopping her getting her dreams is coming you know,


The last thing I always wanted this trip to be was to


be the celebrity that comes over to Africa,


and cries on TV and says, send your money over.


I really wanted to come and like, be like


everything is positive, everything is great, and then...


I don't know, I was just singing with that girl,


and she was all really smiling, and then she just started crying.


And she just got really choked up about it.


You know, I watch Comic Relief every single


year, and this is always what celebrities do,


and I always think, is it ready that bad?


That's just one story, and she's the one girl that


came up to talk to us and was smiley


came up to talk to us and there's so many kids out


here who we tried to speak to, but just shut off.


And if she is the most smiley one, God knows what else


But here's the really important thing.


To get a little girl like Peaches back into school


for a whole year only costs 45 quid, so please give what you can.


You can really completely change lives tonight.


I'm so proud of Ed going out there - and what an amazing little


Please - all you need to do to change someone's life to give


And now, to perform a track off his new album, which literally


could be the Comic Relief anthem, it's Ed Sheeran himself


While you are watching, pick up the phone and donate anything you can.


# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon


# But God gave me a stage, a guitar and a song


# My daddy told me, "Son, don't you get involved in


# Politics, religions, other people's quarrels."


# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene


# I know when I have children they will know what it means


# Just love and understanding, positivity


# We could change this whole world with a piano


# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat


# I'm just a boy with a one-man show


# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth


# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios


# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote


# Saying love could change the world in a moment


# Love can change the world in a moment


# Love can change the world in a moment


# The revolution's coming, it's a minute away


# I saw people marching in the streets today


# You know we are made up of love and hate


# But both of them are balanced on a razor blade


# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene


# I know, I'm all for people following their dreams


# Just re-remember life is more than fittin' in your jeans


# It's love and understanding, positivity


# We could change this whole world with a piano


# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat


# I'm just a boy with a one-man show


# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth


# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios


# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote


# Saying love could change the world in a moment


# Love can change the world in a moment


# Love can change the world in a moment


# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene


# You know, the future's in the hands of you and me


# So let's all get together, we can all be free


# Spread love and understanding, positivity


# We could change this whole world with a piano


# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat


# I'm just a boy with a one-man show


# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth


# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios


# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote


# Saying love could change the world in a moment


# Love can change the world in a moment


# Love can change the world in a moment


If you enjoyed that, you should check out some


of his stuff online and maybe give it a like and who knows, one day


And if you're craving more Ed Sheeran, remember,


we still have his fantastic collaboration with


How are you doing? He touched me. Hello. Lovely.


I assume they explained the special Comic Relief


rule ? silly tradition, really, don't know


why it still exists - which demands that all musical acts


must kiss, with passion and meaning, the tallest host.


I've just remembered something, it is the tallest female host that gets


the kiss, not... Richard Osman. Hello, and welcome to my special


World Cup of Biscuits! 32 biscuits started this journey on


Twitter. We have had 1.6 million votes already. People like biscuits.


We now have our eight favourite and we will reveal the quarterfinals for


you. It must be a privilege for you to be doing this. Rummage, watch how


he does it because he is a professional. Reveal our first


quarterfinal. Here goes. Jammie Dodgers. That is a big biscuit to


start with. You are not having it. They promise a lot but they deliver


very little. If you don't mind are not eating them for a fingers. That


is my son's favourite biscuit. Take them home with you. That is our


first quarterfinal. Our second quarterfinal. We have custard


creams. Is there anything you are going to have, Lenny? We will wait


and see but I am not having that. And custard creams will play


chocolate bauble and biscuits. -- chocolate bauble is.


I am sorry, I was kissing Ed Sheeran. We have done Jammie Dodgers


against chocolate fingers and custard creams against chocolate


bourbons. Chocolate hobnobs. And they are playing? A plane hobnobs. I


would not want to be Mrs hobnob right now. Lenny, finally, we have


chocolate digestive, classic. And who are they going to be playing?


The chocolate digestive plays against the Jaffa cake. Wooded you


do with my biscuit? I will cut you a nice slice of Jaffa cake. All of


those quarterfinals are now live on Twitter. Forgive me, I know you are


doing this at home as well. You can vote all evening in the semifinals


and the final, revealing the winner later in the evening. Now, thank you


to our friends at British Airways with Alexander Armstrong, a poor


woman's Bradley Walsh. Since 2010 British Airways customers


and staff have done a lot to improve the lives of vulnerable people in


Africa and here in the UK. Today I am here to say a massive thank you


and to give a little something back. You go and have a little break.


Excuse me? Yes sir, how can I help. This is an emergency. An emergency,


don't say you've been left home alone. He looks a little bit like...


That my friend is London and today is Red Nose Day. Have you remembered


your red nose? Did you forget to bring it? I think I've got a spare.


Sorry. Would you like another one? I'll be fine.


Don't know what his problem was... Anyway, about that massive BA thank


you. Thank you! Thank you to all the staff


and customers at British Airways I can reveal that this year,


you've raised an incredible... Now it's time for a little


treat from Radio 1's Just last week, they raised over


?300,000 for Red Nose Day with their 24 Hour LOLathon


and they're with us here tonight with the one


and only Innuendo Bingo. Some people like an innuendo,


some people don't. I like them. I like them as well but


I find it hard to laugh when Scott Mills is ramming it


down my throat. Hello, I'm Scott Mills


and this is Innuendo Bingo. Getting wet for Comic Relief tonight


is bingo veteran Chris Stark, who will tonight be going up


against stand-up comedian and king DRAMATIC MUSIC this is Innuendo


Bingo. Welcome to this first edition of


Innuendo Bingo. Are you OK? I'm very excited. I love getting wet and I


love innuendos. You get wet fast. If you are at home have not seen this


before, this is what Chris and Joel are in for tonight.


A lot of water. I was going to show your video but let's just get down


to it. Who loves Innuendo Bingo? Let's do this!


Here are the rules: You fill your mouths with water,


I play you a clip spotted by one of our Radio 1 listeners and we'll


For Comic Relief. First, five live. This is Phil Tufnell, who is listing


cricket players and some of his favourite things. Rashid or Ali, I


think Rashid, a bit of X Factor. And Broad, top-quality bowler, lot of


quality and skill. I like Plunkett and... Nothing funnier than will it!


Next it is time for Masterchef van der Wiel diesel of cooking, Greg


Wallace. Greg is a great presenter but sometimes during the show his


mind seems to wonder a little bit. I like the delicate look of your


plate, I really do. I like your chlorate and love the taste of the


morel mushrooms and love the natural saltiness... It's just missing


possibly the most important part and that is the sauce that brings


everything together. I'm desperate to dip that pork. LAUGHTER


Greg Wallace, everybody. Oh wow, Masterchef.


I'm desperate to dip that pork into something nice.


OK, this has escalated rather quickly. More water please, lads.


How much water? Now BBC breakfast and weather


presenter, the lovely... What happened there? It went up my nose!


Carol Kirkwood, we all love Carol Kirkwood but it seems here Carol is


taking desperate measures to boost her media profile. What a great


vantage point you've got there, Carol Have you had a chance to wave


to people over the balcony question I've had my photo taken down below


and treated. I've even had my photograph taken


down below untreated. The lovely Carol Kirkwood. Joel


Dommett! I'm a serious comedian! We have one more. Let's go for it,


this is the last one. We are going over to history today on Radio 4 and


they are having a fascinating feature about what people did for


fun... I'm going to immediately regret that decision! Sorry.


Here we go, Radio 4... This is what people did before the Internet came


along. Where somebody tethers de Kock to


the ground and people getting a baton and they throw a baton at the


clock and stun it so it can't get up... Guys... There's more, more.


That's not the end of the clip. It's a charity, Scott come on, let's go.


I love water. And then you run up and try to get


the Cockrell into your own hands... That's it, thank you very much, I


hope you all enjoyed the game. Have a good evening. I'm Scott Mills.


Thank you to Joel Dommett and Chris Stark. This has been Innuendo Bingo




I need another T-shirt! Your money has been hard at work


across the UK. It finds people whose lives are really hard and tries to


help. You've provided comfort to families experiencing grief. Zara's


husband Lee took his own life after a struggle with depression. I felt


like I'd been crushed. The shop, it takes the breath out of you. When


the charity got involved it was like, there's still hope. There are


people here to help. You've given relief to people in


pain. Cass started self harming when she was 11. It got to the point


where I was nearly suicidal. I got to the point where I was like


I need help now. I don't know if I'd Still be here without the wish


Centre. You ensure young carers get a break


from their responsibilities. Becca has been carer should she was five.


Sometimes I can't help my mum because she's very hurting. I calm


her down if she's upset. A project you fund means she can


meet other young carers and have some time for herself. And give


young people bright futures. David was on the streets as a young


teenager. You know when you don't understand your emotions, it boils


up? Now I feel I have a chance to really turn my life around.


You've helped older people feel less alone, Derek who sadly let lost his


wife to dementia last year. I felt absolutely empty. Now starts


the lonely as part of my life. I was very pleased to find a place like


the luncheon club and get over this fear of loneliness.


You cash has reached over 12 million people in need across the UK,


dealing with all sorts of tough things from depression to domestic


violence, from young carers to older people. In the UK wherever you are


you are likely to be within 20 miles of the nearest Comic Relief project.


This is your opportunity to help people in your community, people who


need your help right now. Your money can and will change lives. To


give... I used to think about Comic Relief


as mainly focusing on Africa, Your cash tonight will help hundreds


of thousands of people leading really tough lives all over the UK -


in fact, wherever you are, it's likely you're never


more than 20 miles away Or you can give with


a simple text message. You can also donate by cheque made


payable to Red Nose Day 2017. And you can take your money to any bank,


building society or post office. You have the power to change your life.


Forget about Facebook, forget about tweeting how good-looking Warwick


Davis is an Comic Relief. Donate right now.


All right, coming up in just a bit, we've got Alan Partridge,


But time now to go back to sunny Los Angeles for more Carpool Karaoke


with four people who have supported Comic Relief for years and years,


It's a shame James Corden doesn't drive a Delorean,


they could go back in time and do it with Robbie like the old days.


# Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup.


# In the twist of separation, you excelled at being free.


# Can't you find a little room inside for me?


# Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.


# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good.


# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it.


# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good...


Now, you guys have never tried to make it here,


but was there ever a point where you thought about


We had this hilarious meeting in London.


These two guys from the New York record company flew in,


and they literally spent an hour telling us, "We're going to do this,


We'll go to Vegas and do this radio thing and then we'll hit them


with marketing in New York and do all these chat shows..."


And what do you think, after an hour, full on?


The silence went down the line until it got to Howard.


I think you've just got to get the word out.


Will you listen to the music, and play it for friends?


Tweet it, Instagram it, do the whole thing, OK?


Your wives will love it, your kids will love it.


What are you going to tell people, sir?


Excuse me, gents, are you music fans?


I feel like we've got the word out there.


Are there any customers in there that are interested in new music?


This is our first big store performance, OK?


This is going back to the days of Woolworths and Our Price.


This is the stuff that breaks people.


Ladies and gentlemen, it's Take That!


Ladies and gentlemen, for their first performance


as TT3 in Los Angeles, please welcome Take That!


# When the time grew near for me to show my love.


# Hiding from a word I need to hear now.


# But the nights were always warm with you.


# But the morning always comes too soon.


# Hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday...


Ladies and gentlemen, that was Take That!


Tell your friends, tell your friends!


Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!


Tell you what, guys, it's small steps, but we're making inroads.


Is there anything like us out here, James?


Wow, I think you'll all agree there's nothing quite


Just driving along in my car in La La Land. Not the film, that would be


silly. I have no interest in jazz piano. I'm famous these days and


glamorous but I still get lonely when I'm driving along in America.


No, not yet, I haven't got that bit yet. I'm still driving. It would be


very dangerous to... I wish I had a celebrity friend. All right, get in.


Oh, God! It's very dangerous. And you are? Tonight, Matthew, I'm...


Are you going anywhere near Port Talbot? You are Welsh? Yes. Are you


Aled Jones? I'm Bonnie Tyler. Are you going to do the accent? You are


doing very well for yourself, aren't you? Well, I have got a foot in


America and a foot in England, and the world in between. I'm straddling


the Atlantic at the moment, which is quite painful in these tight jeans.


What are we doing? So, Bonnie Taylor, if you be she, let me tell


you how this is going to work. I'm going to put on some music so that


we can have some music in the car. If it's a song you know, singalong.


# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely


# Turnaround # Every now and then I get a little


bit tired of listening to the sound # Every now and then I get a little


bit nervous # Turnaround


# Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the


look in your eyes # Turnaround, bright eyes


# Every now and then I fall apart # And I need you now to might


# And I need you more than ever # If you'd only hold me tight, we'll


be holding on forever # And will only be making it right


# Because we'll never be wrong # Together we can take it to the end


of the line # Always in the dark


# I really need you tonight # For other's going to start tonight


# Once upon a time I was falling in love


# Now I'm always falling apart # There's nothing I can do


# Total eclipse of the heart. # Get out. Thank you. Goodbye. What


was that about. You can't do that. Lovely singing from French and


Saunders. We are in Pizza Express and we are doing bread nosed a. We


are in Pizza Express, and there are actual customers here, eating actual


food, prepared by these guys. We are on top of it now. I have to ask,


what has happened to your top? It is getting hot. If you can't stand the


heat, make a crop top. It suits you. In the next link, will you be naked?


Hopefully. Avoid the sausage. You seem panicked. It is too much for


me. We have a VIP. You are joking! Not at all. It is only Pat Sharp.


Actual Pat Sharp is here. Thank you for joining us in our VIP area.


There are no VIPs. We asked Chico but he demanded a high fee. True


story. Micky would like you to have a pizza for free, but there is a


challenge. Micky will explain, in his lovely crop top. It is such a


horrible image. You liar, you love it. The challenge is, if you drop


it, you have to make a donation and eat it. If you catch it, we will


make a donation. 20p. It is like a farmhouse game. One, two, three. He


caught it. Pat Sharp! If you have donated, thank you. There is a video


to thank you from some lovely people.


I am at BT, where people man the phones, take donations and use


technical prowess to make sure the hundreds of thousands of phone calls


keep rolling in, not to mention all of the fundraising activities staff


get involved with our pants down the country. Loving your work, guys. I


have come here today to get hands-on with the team. This lot have got it


all covered. They never miss a call, you know. Speaking of which...


Hello, Comic Relief. How much would you like to donate? Hello. How much


would you like to donate? Speak up. How much would you liked to donate.


It must be you. Can you check the volume on your equipment. It is not


a piece of equipment. I'm sorry. How much would you like to donate to


Comic Relief? Nailed it. Just the thank you to go. That will come in


handy. So a massive thank you to


all of the staff at BT and to all of the volunteers tonight


taking your calls. Do keep calling, because it


changes people's lives. Your generosity year after year


has been so amazing - and so this year, we sent two people


who had given money to have a look at the kind of place


the money could go. This is such an interesting film


about a mother and daughter from Bradford and a remarkable


grandmother and granddaughter This rubbish dump is where all


of Nairobi's waste ends up. But as well as normal


household rubbish, it's full of awful fumes,


and chemical fires. And in and amongst all of that,


there are families trying to earn It's here that we met Irene


and her granddaughter, I've never seen anything


like this, like, it is... It's a lot worse than


I imagined it being like. You have to collect


lots and lots of these? You know, she should be at home


and her age, and taking it I couldn't imagine my


mum having to do this. Before it got too dark, we had


to leave this place because at So, we headed back to their house


to spend the night. How many people altogether


sleep in this bed? We soon found out that this


was the first meal they'd And she's never going to know


when she's going to I suppose that's


what you've got to do. # Heads,


shoulders, knees and toes, # And eyes and ears


and mouth and nose... The next day we were up


early to face another Who is going to look after the boys


while you are down there? It's heartbreaking to think


they are going to be And then, you'd be


worrying about if they're going to wander off,


if anybody is going to


come and take them... As a parent, you keep your kids


are safe as you can. It must be so hard for her,


I don't know how she does it. Would you like to go


to school instead of It'll be great if we


could help her together. It costs just ?50 to get a girl


like Lynette into school. don't put it off -


don't make a cup of tea. If you've got any cash


to spare, all you need to do Next up, she's responsible


for the biggest comedy phenomenon of the millennium and Mrs Brown has


put time aside to share a special We hope you're having a very special


night over there in Red Nose land. It's all change over


here in the house. We've a brand-new show, not


something we thought we'd ever see, but there are many things in life


that you don't often get to see, like grandad making it


through another night. Or Winnie remembering


what she came in for. But tonight, we'd like to share


with you an exclusive cheeky,


sneaky peeky clip from the pilot of our brand-new Saturday


night extravaganza show. I don't know why they call it


a pilot, there's certainly no Would you put "To Winnie,


have a wonderful night". "It would be a pleasure


to perform for you". "And when you call, talk slowly


with a husky voice". Don't put your name


on it, doesn't matter. That's where you get your


good manners from, son. When you meet a lady,


you say hello and give her a kiss. Before you go and sing your song,


would you sing one of my favourites? It's by Tony Bennett,


it's called Fly Me To The Moon. Would you mind me


giving me a few bars? Ladies and gentlemen,


Aston Merriweather rubber glove. # Let me see what spring


is like on Jupiter and Mars. If you did, the best


thing you can do tonight is to show your support by donating


online at Or pick up the phone


and call 03457 910 910. And with a bit of luck,


we can help change lives, OK, still to come,


we have more from the genius-es-es that are French


and Saunders, a visit from Toast


of London and, of course, we have the highly anticipated


Love Actually reunion. Love Actually was of


course the story of this hilarious woman who falls


madly in love with Mr Darcy and keeps a diary


of all her escapades and has all these hilarious


friends and she? That granny pants


scene is brilliant. Some things that happen for the


first time... # Seem to be happening again and so


it seems that we have met before # And laughed before and loved


before # But who knows where #.


You see what I'm saying? Can't wait to see those


iconic scenes from Of course I am. Do you know what I'm


talking about? Of course I do. Now, it's Mother's Day on Sunday,


so what better gift for Mum And you're having a great time?


Great, yes. What's best bet? Travelling you in the car here.


Rubbish. We're meeting loads of exciting


people, like this guy. Hello, hello mate. See, having all


sorts of banter? The good news is mum is going to be with me all


night! OK, not like that. I thought you were sending me home early to


watch that programme. You are supposed to read the joke of there!


Eulas poster say Nope, you're giving me


a lift home, remember? Plus, later on, we'll


be playing Your Mum. oh, that's it? My programme is gone?


You are not sticking to the autocue! So glad I got you on.


You wouldn't understand, it's a young person thing.


OK, Mum, time now for a really special treat from Norfolk's, sorry,


North Norfolk's greatest export and broadcast legend.


Absolutely! LAUGHTER Absolutely! LAUGHTER


Hello, I'm Alan Partridge, and I love to laugh. That's why I've been


happy to get involved with Comic Relief down the years. From this


occasion when a hotly tipped young boxer thought he could have a dig at


me. I waited until he looked the other way and, bang! And this


occasion when I did what I can only describe was a bread sneeze.


I'm so sorry! But this year the team at Comic


Relief HQ called me with an even bigger proposal. They said Alan, we


have a great idea, you in a hot air balloon shaped like a red nose,


floating from London to Cornwall with Russell Howard on George


Galloway. I said, I've got a better idea, I'll do a package of clips


with a voice over. So join me as we enjoy some classic


fund-raising moments in Alan Partridge's red nose strong cup --


stonkers. This man is having his legs waxed, eight procedure


traditionally associated with a woman. Come on, that's funny,


surely? I only waxed myself smooth completely once in a school trip to


Anglesey because a man told me to. Alan Partridge's Red Nose Day


stonkers. Hang on, Giants playing guitars?


Hang on, these are miniature guitars known as the ukeleles. This being


the North of England where their diets tend to contain slightly less


protein due to lower wages. If you're struggling to make up the


comic angle, there's a red wig and a woman dressed as a car park


attendant! There, really funny. Alan Partridge's stonkers.


What the heck is going on? This is called gunging. Noel Edmonds has


made a career from it although he keeps the recipe close to his chest,


along with some of his tax arrangements.


This is wonderful, beans in a bath. A real Comic Relief staple. A word


of warning to anyone considering this, you will come out with a rash


if you stay in them too long. Never, ever fall asleep in beans, it will


stay on your skin to look what are very friend funny said to look like


a woman's tan. I know people will grumble about hygiene because the


beans have had a bath with a young man but I am sure that the young


woman they'd pay extra! Chris Christoph isn't here, no


relation... And he's off! Up, up, up. Of course, the inflatable slack


in the ball was made with a pig's blatter but now they've been


replaced with Robert -- robber inner tubes. Not that anyone eats them,


not even the Chinese! We should send a view to Eamonn Holmes, fried up, a


bit of ketchup. What are we missing quest me, me, me. Right foot... Put


him off! Brilliant, classic. And with that it's back to the comedian.




Alan Partridge there, a great broadcaster still in his prime.


Now, here's a little film from someone who has been


with Comic Relief from the very start, the greatest


stand-up comedian of our - or really any - generation.


Hello, Billy Connelly here asking for your cash.


I've got cancer and Parkinson's, and I definitely need a


We've got people all over the UK older than me who


are really living tough lives, and I'd love you to help them.


One evening, she turned round and she looked at me


And the bottom dropped out of my world then.


This is Jo, she was diagnosed with dementia at just 57 years old.


It was a devastating discovery for her and her


And she said, unfortunately you've got early-onset


And this is Margaret, struggling to cope with


the loss of her husband, the love of her life.


Where do you go when your soul mate, partner, lover, has gone?


And you, you amazing people out there.


Young, old, and somewhere in between.


Your cash helps people like this, grand people who life has


And I'd ask you tonight to do it again, or


Although if it's the first time watching Red Nose


Day, you probably don't even know me!


I'm the hilarious comedian with a weird


beard, who once took off all my clothes for Comic Relief.


What matters is you, tonight, at home, and this


amazing power to completely change someone's life.


I really hope you'll find it in your hearts to give


It'll be simple and marvellous and you'll be so proud of yourselves.


You can be part of a life-saving miracle tonight, if you can just


I can't deny I find that pretty moving.


He's been doing stuff with Comic Relief for half his life.


The things he did were always so great.


You can't get Billy to say what you want him to.


He'll say what he wants and always pitch perfect.


The vast continent? full of promise and


The client's pretty strict, and has told us that after


you say the word Africa, he'd like you to come in


with "the vast continent" exactly a 50th of a


Yeah, the timing is crucial on this, Steven.


I've heard of Tony Curtis and Ian Kirke is of Joy Division.


If he's trying to sell Africa, tell him he's made it sound pretty


That was a 16th of a second too long.


Len Fandango, I'm Clem Fandango's half brother.


The feeling here, Steven, is that everyone thinks


The client has specifically asked if you'd mind wearing the red nose


Nope, sorry, Steven, we've got to get it exactly right.


It's not that difficult, it's just a question of timing.


Well, if you're such an expert, why don't you


Africa, a vast continent, full of promise and


That was exactly one 15th of a second.


That was no different to how I did it.


One more time, Steven, then we'll call it a night, eh?


Sorry, Steven, too slow, it's just not happening.


I think we'll just go with Len, he can obviously nail


Yeah, thanks, Steven, I'll lay it down tomorrow.


Sorry, Steven, it's Comic Relief, no one gets a taxi.


You'll have to get the tube, I'm afraid.


And leave the nose. What? What the hell are you laughing at?


Let's keep the ball rolling - specifically, tiny chocolate balls ?


as we say a big thank you to the good people at Maltesers.


Hello. I am here with the hard-working Maltesers team, where


they are having a sale to raise money for Comic Relief, and I hear


there is a prize for the best cake, so I am getting involved. As part of


the baked a million campaign, people have been baking beautiful cakes.


For every photo posted online Maltesers are donating ?5. This is


my entry. Where will I put it? Our guest judge has been expecting you.


Brilliant. This way, please. Oh, my giddy aunt, Jack Nicholson. I have a


greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. Clearly a very busy


man. Try this. Come on, Jack Nicholson, tell me the truth. You


can't handle the truth! Come on. It wasn't that bad. This bit is nice. I


would rather you said thank you and went on your way. Passive


aggressive! Well? First prize, don't ask any questions. All that remains


to be said is a great egg thank you! -- a great league thank you.


After all their help this campaign, it's with great pleasure that I can


reveal that they have raised the very sweet total of...


Now is as good a time as any to take that money,


add it to everything else we've raised so far and


announce our first total of the night.


Warwick and Rob, how much are we looking at so far?


Now, as this is the first big total of the night,


we wanted to display it on something truly massive.


We searched all over the O2 and let me tell you,


So tonight, I can proudly announce that the total raised


That means children in school and more vaccines in the world's


poorest communities, and more care for young carers,


for older people all over the UK,


for people dealing with mental health issues.


It's a big number that's going to help a huge number of people.


Thank you so much to everyone who has donated so far.


And thank you, Rob, for your help with that one.


My face is hurting. What are you saying?


Time now for a quick update from the World Cup of Biscuits.


Hello, there, everyone, welcome back to my World


We are about to find out who the semifinalists are. The first


quarterfinal was the jammy dodger against chocolate fingers. This was


a 51-49 split, super close. And the first semifinalist is chocolate


fingers. Congratulations to the chocolate fingers. I am pleased


about that. I hate jammy Dodgers. Second semifinal, this was 55 and


50. But just in the lead, custard cream is our second semifinalist.


Happier with that? Custard cream versus chocolate fingers is our


first semifinal. The second quarterfinal, 55-45 to the chocolate


hobnob. I am pleased with that. Good voting so far. Chocolate digestives


or Jaffa cakes? Jaffa cakes are a biscuit. The winner is, 51-49,


chocolate digestive. Those are your semifinals. If you go on Twitter now


you can vote right now on that. Thank you, Miranda. And now a film


about malaria. The progress here has been amazing


in the last 10 years - hundreds of thousands less children


dying each year. But we'd love not to stop till it's


wiped out completely. With your help, the number


of children dying from malaria each But malaria is still one


of the biggest killers Even though it is


preventable, and treatable. This is the children's ward in one


of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most of the children


here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so consuming there


aren't enough beds to go around. She laughs, she cries, and,


like many children of her age, Her mother, Mary,


is desperately poor. There aren't any malaria testing


kits in her village. So she's had no choice


but to walk for three hours, carrying her daughter


to the nearest hospital. All the time, her little girl's


blood was being destroyed Doctor Columbo is doing


everything he can to save her. If only Mtunduwatha had been


diagnosed even a day earlier, she might not now be fighting


for her life. ?30 you'd give would pay for 100


children to be diagnosed. That was the voice of


David Tennant there. and I remember an appeal he did


a few years ago and him being in this malaria hospital


and saying "Don't be the person who says I'll call tomorrow -


don't be the person who puts it off and then realises a week later


they never actually gave any cash". Please, right now -


if you can - to save a life, Right, time to go back, way back,


all the way back to the '80s, Here I am again, massively


successful, friends with everyone, especially huge stars. Who would


have thought it. Bond, from Gavin and Stacey, taking over the whole


world. But I still need, remarkably, celebrity friends to help me get...


I'm not ready yet. I haven't talked about myself enough. Wait a minute.


Just get in. You can't stop on this road. It's very dangerous.


I'm not a white woman. American, my way to Motown. Gladys. Gladys Knight


and the pips. I have not got the pips with me. Not the singing pips.


Those particular pips are six inches lower than last year.


I'm going to put on some music and randomly, one of your songs might


come up. If it does... Not one that you just look good singing. Will you


join me if it comes on? Oh, I know this one. Come on, everybody.


# (Too much for the man, he couldn't make it)


# So he's leaving a life he's come to know, ooh


# The world he left behind not so long ago


# (Leaving on the midnight train), yeah


# To a simpler place and time, oh, yes, he is


Facts it get out, I've had enough of you, had enough of you. Make your


mind up. How do you get away with it?


Still to come, find out if romance is still blossoming in Love


actually. They're raising money for Red Nose Day. They say he's going to


be one of the biggest urban artists in the world.


And something very special coming from the roof of the O2.


Tonight, I've got a really special announcement to make., Fergie and


GSK have come together and forged a partnership. GSK have said they will


give ?3 million to fight malaria on the front line. So we can carry on


helping communities like this one here in Tanzania. So thank you so


much to GSK, and let's make malaria history.


And even more incredible is that statistic.


Malaria deaths in children under five have fallen by 71% since 2000.


And you have had a big part to play in that, so thank you.


And thank you to GSK, who haven't forgotten


there are still thousands of young children who desperately need our


Time for a much needed dose of hard-hitting journalism now.


Jeremy Paxman has nothing on these two.


I give you Donald and Davey Stott, The Stotts!


Welcome, we ask the questions. Who is our guests? Let's see who their


guest is tonight who will be interviewing this evening. It's the


correspondent, Susanna Reid. Susanna Reid!


Ladies and gentlemen, we know you all like a little exposure to cheer


you right up. Check this out, Susanna! One, two, three, go!


We've got use boiled onions, Susanna. Lovely. We boiled some milk


and Lemsip and butter. And a gift for you, Susanna, the gift that


keeps on giving, the greatest gift of all, jeans.


I'm very grateful, thank you, they're lovely. Good lass.


So Susanna, we ask the questions on the first question is this, you're


at home having a nice relaxing time after a hard day of newsreading.


Suddenly realise you are out of bog roll. You go to your blog and find a


?10 note, do you use that or just slip off one of your socks and use


that? Do I have to use either? It's that or your finger. You can use


your sock? I will now know to use my sock, if


I'm ever in that situation. OK. Susanna, you turn up at broadcasting


centre, you turn up and your pants back to front, has ever happened? I


have turned up with my frock on the wrong way. The next section is


cinema section. Susanna, have you seen Kong? Noone no. It's out now,


have you seen it? It's very heavy, with a twist in the middle. At the


beginning there a couple of little... I don't know what to call


them... It's quite hairy at the beginning. You could miss them quite


easily. I don't feel like I'm missing anything right now! Enough


about my crown jewels! Do you ever go to the pictures? Do you ever go?


I'm just trying to keep my eyeliner above here. Very well done.


When you are laid in bed with your husband Piers Morgan and he gets up,


does he leave a residue, an oily substance on the bottom sheet that


you can harvest and use to lubricate your tractor or lawn mower, for


example? Well, I didn't hear all of the question because I stopped


listening when you said laying in bed with my husband Piers Morgan. We


are not married. You got divorced? We are TV husband-and-wife. We share


a so far. Susanna, have you ever eaten brown


bread? I like a roll. Sophisticated lady.


Susanna, I have a last question for you. I'd like you to have a look at


this. We have a soft creature in it. Put your hand in and touch the soft


creature. Do I have to? Is it going to hurt? No. Just have a touch. Can


I look first? Hazard no. I don't know what it is. Have a good touch.


No! Ladies and gentlemen, Susanna Reid! Thank you very much everyone.


We ask the questions! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


I don't know what I just saw... Graham Norton and


Jonathan Ross could both learn something from their


interview technique. Time now for another


film from Ed Sheeran. He went to Liberia a few


months ago to see first hand why your


donations are so crucial. It's quite odd, because I'm


on a beach, and you can hear You would assume that in hot


weather, a beach would be paradise. But this is far from it,


I've never felt so on edge in anywhere that I've been


in my entire life. Across Africa, millions


of the world's poorest children They're hidden away in any


crevice they can find. This is obviously where


they sleep every night. You do see them in the day


and they're kids, running around Then, you come here on the beach,


and there's loads of adults smoking and just these two tiny little thing


sleeping in a boat around all of that, in the middle


of Liberia's worst slum. How long have you been


living on the streets? What do you want to be


when you're older? What would you do if


you were the President? If JD goes to school now,


he will learn, he will succeed. But a couple more years


like this, I think that's it. He's already quite shut


off from the world. Once were done here,


we're going to pack up the camera and these guys are going to be


sleeping in their canoe at night with a lot


of dangerous people about. Wake up in the morning and try


and fend for themselves. This is the really harsh


reality for street children As you're tucking your children


into bed tonight, children like JD are huddling together,


sleeping outside, in danger, Ed, pretty strong stuff,


and that wasn't actually No - we were just


about to leave when A huge commotion started. There was


a guy a lot taller than you with JD in his hand smacking him and


smacking him. What? When the cameras were still rolling? Hazard I think


we got a little bit afterwards. Can we see a little bit more, what


happened after that? It really doesn't feel right leaving at all.


The only thing we can do... My natural instinct is to put them in


the car and take them and put them somewhere in the city, but them in a


hotel until we get them sorted. Can we do that? Please, tonight, pay for


them to stay in a house until we get them into school. It doesn't matter


how much it is. We'll get them in a house... With an older person to


look after them. That's the problem, they're so little. I don't think we


should go until that's sorted. We'll get you somewhere to stay tonight,


OK? These kids, you give them an


education, you give them hope. That's the main thing. I don't think


it's just a financial thing, it's someone saying, you can believe


this, and fulfilling a promise. This red they knows appeals... It tugs at


your heartstrings and you want to donate to help a child. I think


everyone here filming agrees we can't leave this place without


sorting these kids out so we are going to sort these kids out that


these kids are just five in a million, 2 million, 5 million, there


are so many kids in the same situation as these kids. It's


really, really important donate so we can get this these kids off the


street, into school and give them a future.


Yes, but that's only five in a lot. I've been told not to say this on


watershed but one thing we couldn't show you in the film with those boys


and a lot of the street boys get raped by older kids, which is even


more harrowing. Just to get the kids off the streets, and it's not even


that much, it would be like a tenner to take them out and put them in a


good school. Thank you so much for that and that film. Please everyone,


you can do exactly that. Save a kid from leaving a brutal life. You can


call... Or text YES to 70210


ten to give ?10. The busiest man in the world -


but maybe nothing more In just a moment we'll be


going back to Micky and Joe in our calamitous Comedy Kitchen,


we've got an exclusive Welcome to Your Mum: a little game


that unearths a few embarrassing secrets about our hosts and more


importantly, their dear mothers. We have Luisa and Helen. Romesh and


his mum and cajole and penny. -- Joel and penny. We have some photos,


look at that. Romesh, an original gangster even back then. Look at


that face! Here's how the game works. For the sons and daughter I


will read out some statements made by your mum and you have to think if


it was your mum or one of the other mothers by holding up your palate.


On one side it says my mum and on the other it says your mum. These


are all absolutely true facts your kids do not know about. This... Are


you ready. Here we go, fact number one, one of the mothers said this...


I lied to my child about how much I enjoyed their school play faster by


actually left at the beginning to go shopping instead. Wow. Whoever that


was, you are a horrible mum. Who do you think? Your mum or one of the


others? Let's find out which of the mums it actually was. Yes! Oh my


God! Is it any wonder I went into comedy after that? We are all


tempted to go to your gigs and walk out early but this must have been a


terrible show. I'm sorry I thought my mum left. You were straight up


with your response. It's the kind of thing she would do. One of the mums


said this, I once caught my partner talking to another woman, to get him


back I used his toothbrush to clean the entire house, sinks and toilets


as well. Was that your mum or one of the other mums? No one wants to take


responsibility. OK, mums, who is responsible? Ha-ha! Are you joking?


That such a maternal thing to do, because you get revenge but the


house is immaculate afterwards. Did you clean everything with the


toothbrush, the toilet? Only the tiles. Ha-ha! OK. Don't know if you


will still be talking after this one. One of the mums said, I have


snogged and 80s pop star. Which one of your mums had some fun with a 80s


pop star? Let's vote now. You want it to be true. I can tell you that


the pop star was Meatloaf. OK, which mum was it? What! You snogged


Meatloaf, really? We were very little. We were in the same primary


school. So you were young, but who was it? Curt Smith from Tears for


Fears. Shout, shout, take your tongue out. Now we are going to do a


question that one of the children had some information and the mums


don't know, this is the time for the mums to vote. Which of your kids


said this? My first kiss was with someone of the same six.


OK. You've think that you have and you have a gender fluid child. You


are fairly convinced that yours is a heterosexual young man, not keen.


Which of you was it? Boom, right in there. I hope it was beautiful. It


was amazing, but then he cheated on me. Let's face it, everyone is a


winner tonight, thank you. You all get to take home a Your Mum jersey.


Congratulations. But all the time we've got four Your Mum, ladies and


gentlemen. On Monday, Queen of the airwaves


Sara Cox donned her finest day-glo lycra for a Sounds Of The '80s


24-hour Danceathon. That was exhausting but she's back


on her dancing feet and is with us. That is demented but an incredible


achievement. It was pretty intense mentally and physically. My Radio 2


listeners came through like a storm and we raised ?1.1 million. I was


hoping we would do that otherwise it would have been really awkward.


Everyone really marked in, everyone donated. So why on earth, what


possessed you to agree to do that? I ask myself that question a lot.


There was a big booming voice that would say, 23 hours left. But I saw


the work that Comic Relief do in January, and basically they made me


do it. They do that, don't they? It's kind of tax. Just attacks on


having a lovely job -- a tax. Two years ago Dermot O'Leary danced the


24-hour 's. He looked like a man in Labour to me. It was like a really


long labour, friends rushing around. You've done it this time. Who are


you going to nominate for two years' time? A good friend and colleague


but he will hate me for this, I have just sent him a text message. He


loves music. When he was on strictly Len Goodman says he dances like a


stalker that's been hit by lightning and his name is Jeremy Vine. Jeremy


Vine -- like a stork. Still to come. Peter Kay, more from French and


Saunders. We stop the dancing now, it's finished. It was like four days


ago. I knew that. I totally didn't know that. I'm going to style this


out. I just feel that people, the nation at home need to see this body


in this outfit with an unsupportive bra doing some 80s moves. Hit the


music! Everyone at home, get up off your sofas.


Here's Joel Dommett and Lisa Snowdon with a special thank you to the guys


We are in TK Maxx for two special reasons. A massive thank you to


everybody who has bought and sold this amazing range of Comic Relief


merchandise and the superb fundraising activities. The second


reason is to sort this out. I like my body warm and my arms cold. With


the specially designed T-shirts, tea towels and aprons they are aiming to


raise the bar even higher and to be honest it couldn't get any lower.


You are so mean, what happened to you? Go and try them on. I'm really


insecure, you're not helping. Who are you? Sorry, are the changing


rooms this way? You have no style or sense of fashion. Why is everybody


insultingly? I'm not standing for this any longer. The Oscars are


stupid! Meryl Streep loves my outfit. Who are all these people? I


just thought you needed a second opinion. Anyway, time to say thank


you. I've got a great idea. Thank you! I can spell, ma'am!


Thank you to everyone at TK Maxx and also to our good friends


Warwick and I can now reveal that the total made


You want to do this? It's ?4,500,388. A huge thank you to


everyone for that amazing total. Still time to buy those brilliant


T-shirts and do your bit. Let's see how Joe Lycett


and Micky Flanagan are getting on. Remember, they're live


all night, running a pizza Joe, how are your


doughballs shaping up? We need 40 margaritas. 40, yes, 40.


Ten Hawaiians. Maybe let's do some spicy ones. All large. Bring them to


pizza express in the O2. It's not a joke. Yeah. Basically I've had


Mickey Flanagan doing them and he can't cook for his life. Just look


for Val. Basically what happened, Mickey hasn't made a decent pizza


all night and so what we've have to do is order dominoes. There is a


dominoes coming to pizza express. I don't think we are going to make a


lot of money for Comic Relief right now. We have a bucket with donations


people have made tonight. I dread to think how much people have put in.


Nicky has really let me down here. Let's have a look. Just wanted to


recreate that pose. I look nice there, don't I? Oh God. I mean, that


is dreadful, isn't it? That is not good. I'm going to have a word with


Mickey, where is he? What are you doing? I'm having a drink. We've got


to serve customers. Look how much we've learned. That's all right,


isn't it? Do you want me to put mine back, would that help? It was for


the cab home. It's still not enough. I'm talking to the girls. I'm like


an ornithologist, talking to the birds. I'm going to see if Pat Sharp


has got anything. We've only made ?40. Nice. Very nice, Pat. Ten quid


from Pat Sharp. He was on radio one back in the day. Val, how much have


you made? About ?130. Val's made ?130. What have you done? I'm


drinking. I don't think you've got a future in being in a restaurant, I'm


going to be honest. Have you had a nice time? Very nice. Thank you so


much, we will find out the final total on Graham Norton's show. We've


done our best. We've made a hundred quid. Up next is a video of things


going on up and down the country. Goodbye.


# You'll never feel happy # Until you try


# You'll never, never, never feel happy


# Until you try # You'll never feel happy


# Until you try # Everybody needs this happy thing


# Everybody needs this # Everybody needs this happy thing


# You'll never feel happy # Until you try #.


I've come to the children's ward at Redemption Hospital in Liberia.


I had some idea of what I might experience.


But nothing prepared me for seeing a child desperately ill,


This is Tabitha and her father, Alexander.


Tabitha's mum is seriously ill, so her father is taking


It's just awful to think that this still happens.


But there's a little girl who is so malnourished that her dad


One in every three children in Liberia suffers from malnutrition.


Put simply, they're not getting enough of the right food.


To try and get her temperature down, and to just feed her body,


but when we first got here, her little stomach was just


How they are as composed is amazing to witness,


you just sort of see incredibly skilled people saving a girl's life.


If her dad hadn't brought her today, she probably would have died?


All Tabitha's father can do now is comfort his little girl.


# One for the master, and one for the girl...


# And one for the little boy who lives down the lane #


When I left Liberia, I thought Tabitha


But when I got back, we actually found out that she had died.


Despite everything that happened, her dad insisted


To think that in 2017, there's still children in the world


And that's where you come in, if you donate money we can get


emergency food to children like Tabitha and they won't die.


So if you can spare some money, then please give generously tonight.


These things are very complicated but also simple,


in that we've seen time and time again how simple things can


make a huge difference, like vaccinations and health workers


helping parents do the right thing at the right time.


Sometimes, Red Nose Day is the difference


between life and death and you can be part of that right now


We know these films are very upsetting and had to watch, but


you're watching this you want to help and you can help.


Texts cost your donation plus your standard network message charge.


100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief.


You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill payer's permission.


For full terms and conditions and more information,


please go to, which is also where


And when you call up, don't forget about Gift Aid.


It's a great scheme that means if you're a UK taxpayer,


Comic Relief can claim back 25 pence for every pound you give.


That's an extra 25% on top ? at no extra cost to you.


So when you're asked, please say yes.


Now, a man who's done a lot for us over the years,


he's a Comic Relief hero, and one of my personal


Very excited about Peter here! That's the sort of response he


deserves. Every year, he does


something amazing for us - from the barn-storming


Amarillo Number 1, to last Comic Relief, when he and the cast


of Phoenix Nights raised over ?5 million with their live


show in Manchester. Well, this year, he's come up


with another very original plan which we're going to tell


you about in a couple of minutes. Meanwhile, a little


reminder of the glory # Is this the Way to Amarillo?


# Every night I've been hugging my Pirlo


# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo #. # Sit down, sit down, sit down next


to me #. # Wasn't he fine? Hazard


# So fine #. # I would walk 500 miles and I would


walk 500 more... #. Hurry up, I want a cup of tea. Keep


your hair on! This year, Peter has arranged


a rather marvellous and original If you are a fan of Car Share,


I think you might be about to go A man... A woman... A car... No, not


that car, that car! Are back. You've got mud all over your pants, come


here. I've got spit on them now. Car Share. Leave it, I'll get it off in


the bog. For one night only in 250 cinema screens across written, Comic


Relief proudly presents a very special night of Car Share, with a


very exclusive Q and a with Peter Kay and John Gibson, where you get


to ask the questions, including never before footage, outtakes, plus


the very first time ever, the world premiere of two brand-new episodes


of Kashi. Series two. So there you go - and tickets


for Peter Kay's special Comic Relief Car Share Night


go on sale... Yes, right now you can


buy your exclusive tickets via


and all the profits, pounds and pounds and pounds,


from every ticket sold The screenings are next Friday 31st


March, exclusive to all Vue You'll have one of the greatest


nights - and Comic Relief Thank you, Peter, and thanks


to everyone who goes - book now! OK, time to go back up to our


biscuit base with Richard Osman, who has the results of our


World Cup semi-finals. Welcome back to the semifinals of


the World Cup of biscuits. You've been voting in your hundreds of


thousands. Before we reveal the finalists, congratulations to all


the biscuits involved. They have shown themselves in a good way, all


drug tested and they are free of them. A brief worry earlier when I


thought I'd been hacked because of a Russian biscuits leading the


semifinal but it's fine. We will reveal the winner. What you think of


this semifinalist, Joel? Hazard excellent. I really like a custard


cream, I take it apart and then I beaver the middle.


OK... Rob? A very chocolatey... You know what upsets me most about the


fact the chocolate hobnob had to knock out its own brethren. It's


like the Miliband brothers all over again. Sally, look at these. I would


vote for the chocolate hobnob. I think a custard cream is boring. I


know it has an interesting texture on the top, but a tiny bit dull. And


they've started downsizing some other biscuits. When you get them in


a ten, their repressive. Other biscuits are being made custard


cream shape. This is getting a bit... Time to reveal our two


finalists. It is 50-50 in the first poll but I can reveal... We will get


onto that one in a second. Let's get to this one first, 51-49. In the


World Cup of Biscuits, you cannot complain if you didn't vote, this is


your fault. The first semifinalist is... Chocolate digestive. Chocolate


digestive! Classic old school chocolate digestive. Noone they


don't like the oats, do they? Noone they don't like


the oats, do they? If someone can tell me if it will be


the chocolate fingers... Or the custard cream? The poll is ending


any second now and it is 50-50. So exciting! It is two biscuits. The


winner is chocolate fingers! I am disappointed. That is the final,


chocolate digestive against chocolate finger. There are the


details on screen. Please vote responsibly. Now you have the Red


Nose Day Love actually premiere coming up but first, time to go back


to our karaoke Queen 's. Here I am again, Obama. You won't


know who this one is, it's unfathomable. Will you just wait


till I've stopped the car? Stop now. OK, get in. You can't stop on this


road, it's very dangerous. Hello. No idea. Brand-new hoodie and trainers,


is it wrap? Crime, you idiot. You dirty girl. Shut up. I'm going to


crimp my pig. And go to my hood and see my gal. Listen to me, this is


how it's going to roll, I'm going to put some music on...


# Went to the show sitting in the front row


# In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown


# Yeah, take time if a man wanna try me, no time


# I pick up the mic and it's reload time


# That's why I got gigs just like Joe Grind


# Don't care 'bout the no smoking sign


# This ain't a culture, it's my religion


# But if a man wanna try me, trust me, listen


# Went to the show sitting in the front row


# In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown


We're here, we're here. Thank God for that! Get out. Come and meet my


girl, you're like! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


Ladies and gentlemen, they're two of a kind.


Give it up for the legends that are Dawn French and


Here's Rob Brydon with a special thank you to our


The amazing people who shop and work at Sainsbury's in fundraising,


buying Red Nose Day goodies. I'd come along to say thank you. You may


have bought one of these red noses or a wristband, thank you Charlotte,


or even a mug, thank you, Poppy. You may have even taken part in


fundraising activities yourself, however large or small, you have


helped to change peoples lives. You see, really is money well spent...


Sorry, I thought I turned it off. Hello? You are supposed to call me.


Highly, I'm doing a call for Comic Relief. I don't know who you are. A


thing to do, it's Rob, you called me. I don't know what you want to it


would be wonderful if you made a donation to Comic Relief. I don't


have money but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.


Really, if you know how to operate a till, Sue is feeling a bit peaky and


we could do with some help on checkout five. I will look for you,


I will find you. I'm sure you will, we're in aisle seven near the


biscuits. Sorry about that, Liam is a bit intense. Back to the reason


we're here, a big thank you to everyone that...


That that's taken you by surprise. Ready everyone? Thank you!


Thank you so much to everyone at Sainsbury's and thank


you to all of you at home who have gone into stores and bought your


Right, this is totally incredible because we can now reveal


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Incredible, the highest ever


donation on the night! In five minutes, Red Nose Day


Actually, but first it's over to Lenny, who has a crucial


message for us all. And sure you've been expecting this.


I just wanted to take a moment to talk about the terrible famine that


spin on the news in the last few weeks.


We've been going a long time together now, you and us.


Back in 1985, there was a crisis in Ethiopia, a famine


of biblical proportions, and some bright spark thought


"I know, let's send in a bunch of comedians to help" ? worst idea


ever, but together it's evolved and we're proud -


I'm so very proud of what we have achieved together.


At Comic Relief, we're committed to long-term change.


We give people a leg up and gradually change or communities for


the better. But sometimes, big stuff happens


which upsets a whole country. Two years ago we gave life-saving


help when Ebola struck. And now there's a crisis in four countries


in Africa. It's real and it's very frightening. More than half the


population of Yemen is hungry, half a country. To my people don't know


where their next meal is coming from. There's no food at all and


parents are watching their children die of hunger before their very


eyes. We set up Comic Relief after a famine and it would be crazy not to


give some of that cash tonight to help this intense emergency. Now


you, the brilliant and generous British public, have the power to


save lives right now. If you can't part with some cash tonight and next


week we can reach families who are literally starving to death. This is


an opportunity right now, to be part of the news in a good way, to save a


life tonight. Please, please, please give what you can. You know the


details but I'm going to save again, so you can see how easy it is do. Go


online... Or pick up the phone and dial 03457


910 910 and when someone answers, proudly tell them that


you're part of the team, you want to give some


of your own money to help others. If you can give us ?20,


text yes to 70020. If you can afford a tenner,


text yes to 70010. . We are finally within touching


distance of Red Nose Day Actually and we will find out what happened


to all our favourite characters from that great movie. Before I go any


further I'm meant to be interrupted right now.


Before you go any further, I need to remind everyone


At ten o'clock, don't forget to switch over to BBC Two,


where I will be hosting a very respectable show for Red Nose Day.


That just so happens to be in a hot tub on top of The O2.


And there will be a planet Earth special. That's amazing, don't miss


that. That may look like a giraffe, it is


actually a lion in a novelty giraffe costume. Like all novelty costumes


used in the wild there are no eyeholes as without opposable thumbs


it's impossible for the lion to use scissors. That's the third spectator


he's hit this mile. As I was saying, we are just


a few minutes away from? I'm being interrupted again. Graham


Norton, ladies and gentlemen. You're not going to give Greg a plug


for his show and not mine, are you? I'll be on BBC One after the news


hosting my Big Chat Live, a one-off totally live chat show


for Comic Relief! With over 30 guests. It sounds


hideous. It's going to be epic. Don't miss


Graham and his enormous couch. You love films, don't you?


Right, I cannot believe I'm about to say this.


Back together on the big screen for the first time


MUSIC: God Only Knows by The Beach Boys.


I'll get it. I'd be without you.


He's not going to believe that, it's March.


They're raising money for Red Nose Day.


Give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.


JO WHILEY ON RADIO: And tomorrow is Red Nose Day and we hope everyone


will be giving a little cash to this great cause.


Maybe even our Prime Minister himself, back in Number Ten


Here's a little song to loosen your loose change.


# You used to call me on my cell phone.


# And I know when that hotline bling.


# You got a reputation for yourself now.


# Everybody knows and I feel left out...


# You started wearing less and goin' out more.


# Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor.


# Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before.


How many times have I told you not to dance down the stairs?


When I hear that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing.


I liked it best when you worked for me.


So, Billy Mack, welcome back to the airwaves.


Billy, you have released a charity single, and it's a cover version


of the ZZ Top classic Gimme All Your Lovin'.


Yes, except we've changed the word "lovin'" to "money".


a wonderful charity supporting children.


No, the truth is, I like the kids who buy my records.


Even you must have noted how short and selfish they are.


I've got an autobiography coming out and I need a bit of publicity.


Billy, I see you haven't got your manager with you today.


Tell me, has he finally left you after you being so rude about him?


Well, for giving an honest answer to a question.


That never happens here at Radio Watford.


Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.


OK, I probably asked you this last time you were here,


It's definitely one of the Kardashians.


Are you looking for anything in particular?


It'll be ready in the jiffiest of jiffies.


This is so much more than just a bag.


Do you remember the first time I drove you?


I remember looking at you and thinking "What a handsome man.


I wished you could speak Portuguese so I could tell you how I felt.


There was something about central heating, wasn't there?


By the way, very attractive turtleneck today.


Can we have rice with it this time, though?


I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.


And of course, the yoghurt-coated raisins.


I know, I thought I'd give you a surprise visit.


The surprise is, you have to pay for my flight.


That's OK. My God, you've grown.


No, I'm just wearing high-heeled trainers.


I'm worried. You haven't been in touch.


I know, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind.


I can help you with money, you know. I'm loaded.


Well, it's more of a love thing, actually.


You should have had this sorted out ages ago.


the only person you've ever genuinely been in love with


was that cute wee girl, the singer at school.


We met up in New York and, er, well, that's why we're here.


I was wondering if I could ask for your son's hand in marriage.


All you want for Christmas is this stringbean?


Prime Minister, what happened to your arm?


I fell down the stairs while dancing to Hotline Bling.


I believe it happened to Palmerston as well.


Yes, Prime Minister, when you came to power the first time,


You said that the power of good could finally win,


14 years later, do you still feel as upbeat?


Obviously, times for many people have got harder and people


And it's not just in politics that things are tough.


Usain Bolt has run his last Olympics.


The Harry Potter films have finished.


But, let's look at the other side of the coin.


Metallica's new album is an absolute cracker.


And on a deeper level, I'm optimistic.


Wherever you see tragedy, you see bravery too.


Wherever you see ordinary people in need,


you see extraordinary ordinary people come to their aid.


Today's Red Nose Day, and people are giving their hard-earned cash


to people who they'll never meet, but whose pain and fear


So it's not just romantic love which is all around.


Most people still, every day, everywhere, have enough love


in their heart to help human beings in trouble.


Prime Minister, what do you think is the best


Wow - I didn't expect that to be so on message.


I'm so proud of how Comic Relief does bring people together and does


support people doing the best charity work.


Please, if you enjoyed that show, the only


reason they all made that film was so you might


Give a little love by actually reaching out to help


But don't forget, we have so much more still to come.


In fact, if you want even more Red Nose Day Actually,


then Greg Davies will be kicking off his Hot Tub Half Hour


with a very exclusive look behind the scenes of that film.


But now, back to Jonathan. This is the end of part one.


Can we just ask, if you've had a good night so far,


please do that one decisive thing and


It'll completely change and save the lives of terrifically


vulnerable children all over the world's poorest communities.


Your money will also help people all over the UK,


from the brave young carers who give their lives to their parents,


right up to the older people Billy Connolly asked


Sometimes I can't hug my mum because she's very hurting. I calm her down


if she's upset. She said unfortunately you've got


early onset... Early onset Alzheimer's. One evening she looked


at me and said, where's Bob? And I'm Bob. The bottom dropped out of my


world then. And tonight, it'll also directly,


in the days ahead, give money to fight the famine


that is threatening to steal life from hundreds of thousands


of terrified and innocent victims. This is the heart of the area


declared in famine. Thousands of people have gathered in the central


area to register to receive food aid.


Most were women and children, hungry, tired and waiting under a


burning sun. The mighty Rag'n'Bone Man is now


here to sing his gorgeous song Skin, and he's asked us to ask


you to give if you can - whatever you can ?


by phone, online, by text. In this next three minutes,


it would be wonderful if everyone just, well,


gave a few quid. # The silence hits so hard


cos it was almost love # Turn around, you're


holding on to someone # It was almost love.




Thank you so much. Please give generously.


Thanks so much to Rag'n'Bone Man for that beautiful performance.


Thank you for being here. You heard what he said at the end, you know


what the message is. We've said it time and time again but...


If you've been meaning to donate and still haven't got round to it,


please don't put it off for another second.


To give by phone, call 03457 910 910.


You can also donate through a simple text message.


Or you can go to


There's one thing we have left to do before we get to witness Greg Davies


Here we go, I've got a good feeling about this.


Ladies and gentlemen, I can announce that the current


amount raised so far,for Red Nose Day 2017 is a monumental...


Don't tell them yet, hold on, hold on. Are you ready for this total?


CHEERING I said are you ready for this total?


CHEERING Are you ready for this total?


CHEERING Hit it. OK it is...


Oh my gosh. LAUGHTER OK, that is fabulous.


So many thousands of lives But the night is still


young, it's just begun. There's loads more fun -


there's still plenty more to come. On Red Nose Day tonight,


we've Graham Norton's Big Chat live, the biggest couch in the history


of chat shows, with a fruit salad of extraordinary


guests - Dame Joan Collins, David Tennant, Gordon Ramsay


and the biggest supermodel All that and Ed Sheeran and People


Just Do Nothing, David Walliams and Jeremey Kyle and a special hour


of live comedy from the one and only CHEERING


. and a hiarlous look back


at Comic Relief's biggest musical moments with Noel Fielding -


and a dashing chap Jump over now to BBC Two


for Greg Davies' Hot Tub Half Hour. We will see you back here later. See


you later!


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