Greg Davies' Hot Tub Half Hour Comic Relief


Greg Davies' Hot Tub Half Hour

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Hello, I'm Greg Davies, and you're watching Red Nose Day 2017.

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I had been led to believe that I was going to be flown out to do a film

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in Africa. But no, I'm in a hot tub on the top of the O2. It is horrific

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up here. There is nothing for me to respond to. I can't tell you how

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unhappy I am. You're in a hot tub, cheer up! You shot your mouth!

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Russell Brand has a problem with a heckler. As we take a peek behind

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the scenes of Love Actually. All this and more still to come. Are you

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hot in that suit? I am! I was told I was going to Africa! Maybe you could

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just ask us what you prepared? All right, let's do what I prepared. So,

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tell me, how far do you have to walk every day to get water? We have got

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a tap on the ensuite. Exactly. Even though you've got no money, I

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understand you have a soccer kick around every Sunday in your village?

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I mean, this is madness! Singer down, sweetheart, we are just trying

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to help. We just came on here to tell you that Smack The Pony are

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having a reunion later in the Shell. Well, you've done that now, haven't

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you? Do you know you're a very rude man?! OK, let's go. That's OK, is

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it? What we just saw? That counts for fund-raising these days, does

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it? Here's a very special episode of Planet Earth, especially for Red

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Nose Day, brought to you by the voice of the planet, Rob Brydon. At

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last, something of real quality! For the very first time, the animal

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kingdom is putting its weight This three-toed pygmy sloth

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is midway through a sponsored triathlon, and setting

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an impressive pace. Waiting to help him

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through the third stage The sloth won't reach him

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until sometime next year, He was more of a Sport

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Relief booking anyway. of Animal Let's Sing

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And Dance For Comic Relief. Like Human Let's Sing and Dance

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for Comic Relief, you'll notice these bears aren't

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very good at dancing. That's because, to the animal world,

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they're celebrity bears. Here's Teddy Flintoff, who tonight

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is up against Mary Beary. everyone in the animal

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kingdom is involved. These locusts are being sponsored

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to eat an entire lawn. They promised the council

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there would only be ten of them, but Ian made it a public event

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on Facebook, and now there's loads. This magnificent act of mass

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kindness has raised over and left this neighbourhood

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completely barren. The remote jungles of southeast Asia

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are the only part of the world Instead, the wildlife

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here have been raising money for a different cause,

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Yellow Chin Day. 2,000 miles away, these

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lions are raising money It's actually a lion

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in a novelty giraffe costume. Like all novelty costumes used

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in the wild, there are no eyeholes as without opposable

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thumbs, it's impossible That's the third spectator

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he's hit this month. are taking part in a sponsored

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re-enactment of The Bourne Identity, These flamingos are going

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to extraordinary lengths, but have sadly forgotten to get

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the correct sponsorship forms, so it's all been a tragic

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waste of time. have come together to create one

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of the most majestic scenes in the entire natural world, giving

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out the Red Nose Day text number. I've just realised this

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is the number for Yellow Chin Day, Lenny Henry will tell

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you where to send your money. Which reminds me, he

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still owes me a fiver. Lorna visits Godfrey

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and supports him as Can I ask you a little

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bit about your mummy? He's definitely grieving,

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he's definitely still grieving for his mum but he's ten,

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he doesn't know how to handle grief. You know, the only support they have

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is through Lorna coming round. I just want to keep

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hugging that woman, I then discovered that

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after losing both parents, Godfrey's

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house had burned down. If it wasn't for you helping

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people like Lorna, I don't know what would happen to such

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a sweet, smart little boy like that. And there's so many boys like that,

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he's not by himself. There's so many families

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who are like this that we've just got to try

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and help. Give whatever you can give,

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we would be so grateful and it will help people like Lorna to help

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little boys like Godfrey. Welcome back to my

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Hot Tub Half Hour. Thank you for all your donations

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so far, and if you haven't yet To give ?10, just take out your

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phone and text YES to 70210. The numbers you need

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are literally everywhere. On the screen, on the side

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of the tub, they've even had it printed on the backside

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of this duck. Yes, someone made the effort

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to print a phone number on a duck - so maybe you could make the effort

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to text a donation. And while you do just that,

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here's the long-awaited reunion of Sally, Fiona and Doon,

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AKA Smack The Pony. In English, we always use the

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article. Your husband is still having

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an affair so you'd say "my husband Ore is it ongoing? I don't know. You

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could use the present continuous, you could say, my husband is having

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an affair. My husband is having affair with dentist. With a dentist,

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that's the article thing again. They making bad on huge, spinny, white

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chair... There's so much wrong with that, I don't know where start.

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Let's begin with a verb, if you were English, you would probably use the

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past symbol. Is your husband still making out with the dentist on the

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dental chair? No. So... Probably yes. In that case, your verb

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choice,, yes. , is absolutely bang on! Eureka! Your English is really

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improving! That's some consolation, isn't it? Do you want another

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tissue? I think I've got a cheesecake in here... No. I am

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cheese phobic. Dairy intolerant? No, I'm just afraid of it.

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Oh! Makes you look... Really fat! Really old.

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Who are they, are they relevant? This is a shambles! Welcome back to

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the Hot Tub Half Hour on top of the O2 - for no reason! Please welcome

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my next guest. It's Tom Daley, the diver. Are you not hot in that suit?

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Yes, I'm hot in the suit. Why don't you take it off? So

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that we can compare our bodies? That's a good idea, isn't it, Tom?!

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Give me a pensioner what are you doing? I'm going to write some

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questions for you Tom, bit of light-hearted banter. Well, what

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should I do? Wait. Right... OK... When we go into swimming pools, why

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do we have to have a shower first? Hygiene, bacteria, that kind of

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stuff? Is it true that they put blue dye in swimming pools to stop people

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weeing in it? No. It's a myth. You probably shouldn't wee in the pool

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anywhere. Onto the serious raising money for Africa. Of people pledge,

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I presume you're happy to do a charity dive into this coverage into

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the hot tub?! Yes, into the hot tub. I can't dive into two foot of water.

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You don't care about charity? Of course I do, but two foot of water,

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I can't do that! Well, why have we done this?! Anyone?! No. What was

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that? All right, somebody has texted in to say that if I take my top off,

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they will give some money to charity. It's not happening, all

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right? The dive was for a good cause, Tom. Moving on, here is a

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powerful film about the growing epidemic of heckling. I am not

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taking my top off! OK, so, Jim, would you

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like to speak today? My name's Jim and this is actually

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the first time I've even dared to... Take the tea cosy off

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your head, you twit. Your village called,

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their idiot's missing. Gordon, we've spoken

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about this, haven't we? It's not fair, setting

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off the rest... I think it all started for me

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when I was at school, because you get the big kids

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who bully you and start But then you'd also get the kids

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who try and defuse the fights And I just think I was always

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about ten feet away from them, Well, Gordon is one of the worst

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cases I've ever experienced. I'm not actually sure that we can

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break through with Gordon. Sorry, mate, is this

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lady boring you? First out of the traps,

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cover of Time Out. Keep that in the downstairs lav

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for when I have a time-out. That's me on the cover of NME,

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one "heck" of a guy, pre-beard. A couple of spreads

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from various magazines. Billy Connolly,

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called him a Big Yin. It was clear that Gordon

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was a very special case. I come across him

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early in my work life. ..Contingent in the room that will

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just applaud me for being able... They're just impressed

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that I can stand up. This guy said three words that

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really stuck with me. Thing is, he was right,

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because in real actual life, But what I've done is, since then,

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Gordon, before I go on stage, I make a point of always having

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a good look through a word book. Everyone knows that

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shouldn't be in here. I started to realise some of my

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material was getting a bit stale, because this new generation

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were coming up who'd found a way to heckle in text form

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underneath YouTube videos, and that was a real

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wake-up call for me. That was the point when I first

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started working with writers. Yeah, I do like "I've seen better

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material in your mum's knickers". But I'm thinking, should it

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be "Your dad's", so we're feminising the father

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as well as insulting the act? OK, I think we'll work up some

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options with different family members and see

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what feels most natural. If we briefly go back to "You're

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shit and you know you are", I'll never forget that

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day, that feeling. Me out there, trying

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to entertain people, I used to go to the doctor a lot

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when I was a kid, actually. He sort of looked like the only

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thing he'd ever cured was pork. Oh, come on, mate, I've seen better

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material in your dad's knickers! And then I realised, in some vague,

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slight, metaphorical way, it's a little bit like what I've

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been doing my entire life, and Gordon has the longest journey to go

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on, but I said to him on day one, as soon as you've acknowledged that

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you've got a problem, you're sort But he's made strides since then

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and we've got a new facilitator who Gordon seems to be responding

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to quite well. "Is that your best gag",

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said your mum in the bondage shop? During the ten minutes

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that your photo was up on Tinder, you got left-swiped so many times

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that you have whiplash Do you ever look in the mirror

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and try and left-swipe yourself? You look like your principal

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features were pinned on by a blindfolded five-year-old

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at a birthday party. You have a face like a novelty jug

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that was made in a secure You've made an effort

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with your hair. It's like putting 26 inch rims

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on a locking wheelie bin. Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man,

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keeps a photograph of Well, you guessed it,

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that wasn't a real charity at all, it was an amusing

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sketch about hecklers. Here's a little film about a charity

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we really do support. We are getting so much better at

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talking about issues about emotional well-being, and thank goodness

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because one in four of us will experience a mental health issue.

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Cass found herself in a position where she needed help and did not

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know what to do. I felt so depressed and numb to everything. I couldn't

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do anything. I started self-harming when I was 11 or 12. Difficulties at

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school, being bullied. I was 13. You had feelings that you didn't want to

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go on with life that young? I was like, I need help now and if I don't

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do it now, I don't know what is going to happen. Whish is one of the

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only face-to-face providers of self-harm support in the UK. We have

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seen time and again that Pearson port makes the difference for young

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people going through self-harm. I don't think it is a stretch to say

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this is a life-saving, life improving service for so many

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people. Self-harm is often a response to something else that is

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going on, like a release. It went downhill when my mum and dad split

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up. I had friendship issues, did not have anyone to talk to. I was 12 or

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13 when I started self-harming, which became progressively worse

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throughout the years. The more you do it, the more you become

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resistant, so you have to do it more to get the feeling you had when you

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started. If I did not reach out for help, I would be... I have begun to

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help run the group now, so I have come back weekly. I have done two

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sessions so far to help run it. That is so amazing. I will be there every

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week. For how much it helped me, I hope it could help someone else like

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that. You think without the Centre things would be different? Yes.

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Really? I don't know if I would even still be here. No young people

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should have to go through such depression on their own that they

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get to this stage with self-harming, so the centre is doing the most

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wonderful, important help in saving young people's lives. I have goose

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bumps talking about it. If you feel passionate, like me, please donate

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to might. Thank you so much. I want to tell you about the Queen

:23:23.:23:39.

's young leaders, set up by the Queen Elizabeth Diamond Jubilee

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trust and its partners. The programme mentors inspirational

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young people doing amazing things in communities around the Commonwealth

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and right here in South Africa, where I grew up. It supports

:23:50.:23:54.

communities across the townships, educating them about their human

:23:55.:23:59.

rights. Chantelle encourages young athletes to keep up education

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alongside a sports career. This woman heads up an initiative called

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Africa matters and focuses on empowering women at university. The

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Queen 's young leaders programme supports projects striving vital

:24:15.:24:18.

change. In Jamaica, the sandals foundation is giving young people

:24:19.:24:21.

who fall out of school a second chance by training them to set up

:24:22.:24:24.

agricultural businesses. In the UK, it supports young people who others

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have given up on. Across the Commonwealth, these brilliant,

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dedicated people are transforming lives. Thank you to all of the Queen

:24:33.:24:38.

's young leaders for everything you do. You are making the world a

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better place. Happy? Berry. I'm now delighted to announce

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that the Queen Elizabeth Diamond Jubilee Trust is giving ?2.2 million

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to Comic Relief this Red Nose Day. That is good. Can I go now? Yes, you

:24:52.:25:01.

can go. MUSIC: God Only Knows

:25:02.:25:15.

by The Beach Boys. Over the years, we've been really

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taken aback and surprised by how We thought it was going to be

:25:18.:25:19.

a flop to start with. Strangely, there is a kind

:25:20.:25:24.

of atmospheric link between Red Nose Day

:25:25.:25:25.

and its optimism and Love There's a certain amount of

:25:26.:25:28.

pressure, just because Love Actually is a hugely loved film,

:25:29.:25:35.

and we're about to shoot with Liam The first day was always going to be

:25:36.:25:38.

the most emotional one. Liam and Thomas, I don't think, had

:25:39.:25:46.

seen each other since the premiere. So it's been kind of lovely,

:25:47.:25:49.

putting people together again. Thomas and Olivia were little

:25:50.:25:52.

children, and now they're He sent me the script,

:25:53.:25:56.

and I had a big tear in my eye. 'Pretty well doing exactly the same

:25:57.:26:02.

thing that he did before, except that we had this idea that

:26:03.:26:16.

there'd be the longest queue in the history of supermarkets

:26:17.:26:19.

waiting as he took five minutes Rowan is a sort of brilliantly

:26:20.:26:22.

ageless comedian, and he did his normal range'

:26:23.:26:27.

of perfect physical comedy. It's day three, and we

:26:28.:26:38.

are in a radio station, which is actually Radio 1,

:26:39.:26:41.

but this is Radio We're with Bill Nighy

:26:42.:26:43.

and Marcus Brigstocke. Seriously, Red Nose Day, a wonderful

:26:44.:26:46.

charity supporting children... I said to Richard that

:26:47.:26:50.

I'd be happy to do it, and then he explained

:26:51.:26:52.

that it was all for charity, so that was fairly

:26:53.:26:55.

disappointing, but here we are. I had to watch the interview

:26:56.:26:57.

on Radio Watford last night. I'm not famous for watching myself

:26:58.:27:01.

and I'm not very keen on it, As he put on this ridiculous

:27:02.:27:04.

accumulation of jackets and extraordinary iridescent blue

:27:05.:27:10.

shoes, the character I don't think Bill Nighy's very

:27:11.:27:16.

close to Billy Mack, because Bill Nighy is a noble

:27:17.:27:24.

gentleman and Billy Mack is a reckless rogue

:27:25.:27:26.

who you shouldn't trust The press conference was a big day,

:27:27.:27:28.

you know, 80 people. Times for many people have

:27:29.:27:36.

got harder, and people This nightmare with Richard

:27:37.:27:42.

happens every bloody year. Ever since four Weddings

:27:43.:27:47.

And A Funeral, he's asked me to do something, and some years I can

:27:48.:27:50.

fob him off with money and say "I'm Hugh did not enjoy doing

:27:51.:27:53.

the dancing originally. He was saying "This

:27:54.:28:01.

is like the ultimate nightmare". We've asked him to do the one scene

:28:02.:28:05.

that he found most difficult I liked it best when

:28:06.:28:09.

you worked for me. He's quite restrained and hands off,

:28:10.:28:20.

and she couldn't be We felt like an old married couple,

:28:21.:28:23.

which is what we are. One of the strange things

:28:24.:28:33.

about Love Actually is how so many of the cast have gone

:28:34.:28:36.

on to do so well. I think we were Chiwetel's third

:28:37.:28:39.

film, and since then he's been Keira, I remember she said

:28:40.:28:42.

she was going on to do some pirate thing which would probably be

:28:43.:28:47.

a disaster, and that turned out And Andrew's killed a lot

:28:48.:28:49.

of zombies since then, so it was charming to have them

:28:50.:28:53.

all back again. They're raising money

:28:54.:28:56.

for Red Nose Day. Give them a quid and tell

:28:57.:28:58.

them to bugger off. On the original board,

:28:59.:29:01.

if you look at it carefully, there's Kate Moss with very long

:29:02.:29:04.

hair and he said "I hope I'll be married to one

:29:05.:29:06.

of these girls eventually". I told my wife, and even my wife

:29:07.:29:09.

is thrilled that I'm Do you want the leopard

:29:10.:29:14.

and I'll put that on? I hope that we've trod

:29:15.:29:23.

a cunning balance between it being very Red Nose Day,

:29:24.:29:29.

reminding people absolutely that the only reason all these

:29:30.:29:32.

people have done it is in order to raise money, but to some extent

:29:33.:29:35.

satisfy their curiosity and enthusiasm of people who've

:29:36.:29:37.

so sweetly enjoyed The film you're about to see has no

:29:38.:29:41.

words, the images say it all. # When you're sure you've had enough

:29:42.:29:58.

of this life You can help move

:29:59.:30:43.

children like Kumba from places like this,

:30:44.:31:40.

to give them a better life and hope. Welcome back to the

:31:41.:31:45.

Hot Tub Half Hour. Now charity is a very

:31:46.:32:03.

serious, complex matter, and who better to explain it

:32:04.:32:08.

than Philomena Cunk with one In case you are wondering

:32:09.:32:12.

and worrying, Philomena is famous for being the worst journalist

:32:13.:32:18.

in the United Kingdom. into the haves, the have-nots

:32:19.:32:22.

and the don't knows. The haves, like the Prince

:32:23.:32:29.

of Charles and Sting, are wealthy. and whatever the opposite

:32:30.:32:32.

of Sting is, need our help. And we can help, with the help

:32:33.:32:38.

of an invention known as charity. In one of the less boring bits

:32:39.:32:43.

in the Bible, Jesus tells the story of the Good Samaritan,

:32:44.:32:47.

who selflessly helped a stranger in need when others had walked

:32:48.:32:50.

on by, probably while pretending or whatever the equivalent

:32:51.:32:53.

of phones was in Bible times. the most popular face of modern

:32:54.:32:58.

compassion is charity pin-up who devoted her life

:32:59.:33:05.

to helping those in need. Mother Teresa said give,

:33:06.:33:10.

but give until it hurts, which is possibly the sexiest thing

:33:11.:33:13.

a nun's ever said, But even Mother T's achievements

:33:14.:33:16.

pale into insignification compared to those of someone even more

:33:17.:33:25.

saintly, Bobert Geldof. It was 1985 when St Bobert Geldof

:33:26.:33:31.

changed the giving game for ever by organising the biggest charity

:33:32.:33:36.

concert of all time, Livaid. One of the reasons Livaid

:33:37.:33:40.

was successful was that

:33:41.:33:42.

Livaid was easy to say. Before then, almost all charities

:33:43.:33:50.

had hard-to-pronounce names. They were called things like Runib,

:33:51.:33:53.

Ruspuca, Ruspuba and Nuspucca. They were called things like Runib,

:33:54.:34:05.

Ruspuca, Ruspuba and Nuspuccuca. Luckily, it wasn't long

:34:06.:34:07.

until a charity came along with a name that was

:34:08.:34:09.

very easy to say. And it was a huge success

:34:10.:34:11.

from the very beginning. 1988 saw the first ever

:34:12.:34:15.

Red Nose Day, an event in which celebrities appeared on TV

:34:16.:34:18.

with huge smiles and red noses, just like they did in

:34:19.:34:21.

Groucho Club toilets. But while the celebrities give

:34:22.:34:23.

up their time and ask nothing in return in a way that people

:34:24.:34:26.

who actually need to be paid could never do, what's

:34:27.:34:29.

the point of charity? To find out, I sat down

:34:30.:34:34.

with Comic Reliff co-founder First of all, do I call you Richard

:34:35.:34:36.

or do you prefer Dick? If we give starving people a load

:34:37.:34:44.

of money, how do we know

:34:45.:34:48.

they're not just going If you're dealing with something

:34:49.:34:50.

like famine, you're always dealing through an intermediary who will be

:34:51.:34:58.

making sure the right food about people that might have

:34:59.:35:01.

like, peanut allergies? Because some people haven't tried

:35:02.:35:12.

nuts before, have they? whether or not peanut allergies

:35:13.:35:15.

are a sort of first world problem. I don't know, what an

:35:16.:35:19.

interesting thought. Which is better, chugging

:35:20.:35:21.

or writing rom-coms? I think the outcome,

:35:22.:35:27.

the result of chugging, is better, because it actually helps people

:35:28.:35:37.

whose lives are hard, whereas I don't know

:35:38.:35:40.

if rom-coms do that. I think they make people realise

:35:41.:35:42.

that there's lots of posh people... Have you thought about just

:35:43.:35:50.

selling celebrities, I'm sure someone would pay a fortune

:35:51.:35:57.

for John Bishop's kidneys. No, we haven't thought of that,

:35:58.:36:07.

and I think that the comedians do quite a lot for us sometimes

:36:08.:36:11.

that they don't want to do, and I suspect the sale of bodily

:36:12.:36:13.

parts would be slightly more than they or their

:36:14.:36:18.

representatives would... It'd be a talking point,

:36:19.:36:20.

though, wouldn't it? It would be a morbid talking point

:36:21.:36:23.

if John was no longer alive. No, I'm just saying "I killed

:36:24.:36:27.

John Bishop" What's the most disgusting thing

:36:28.:36:33.

you've heard someone do Because my mate Paul,

:36:34.:36:38.

he did this party trick ..intimate skin, and it tore

:36:39.:36:45.

it and it went septic. Actually, I think that might mean

:36:46.:36:55.

he qualifies That is the first and most

:36:56.:36:57.

disgusting thing I've ever heard It's awful to think what people

:36:58.:37:05.

might be doing with them right now. Comic Reliff reminds us

:37:06.:37:14.

that we can't leave charity It's up to all of us

:37:15.:37:16.

to be knobs together. People like you and me,

:37:17.:37:21.

putting our hands in our pockets And if not, maybe donating

:37:22.:37:24.

the actual pocket, I'll be asking,

:37:25.:37:27.

how much are new trousers? Welcome back to Red Nose Day, where

:37:28.:37:57.

I am on top of the O2 in a hot tub, for no understandable reason. The

:37:58.:38:03.

next logical test to have here is of course... Ricky Wilson macro from

:38:04.:38:08.

the Kaiser Chiefs. Ever lived in Africa for any part of the

:38:09.:38:13.

developing world? No. Always had enough food and access to clean

:38:14.:38:18.

drinking water? Alan you seem pretty stressed? I just wanted to

:38:19.:38:25.

contribute, Ricky. But I am in a hot tub with a bizarre collection of

:38:26.:38:30.

guests on top of the O2, and, I don't know, I just wanted to do

:38:31.:38:34.

something big! I did not want to be on top of the O2 in a hot tub,

:38:35.:38:41.

Ricky. It's not too late, you've got me here, I am Ricky Wilson macro

:38:42.:38:44.

from the Kaiser Chiefs. Let's do a heartfelt charity single!

:38:45.:39:00.

# Man in the mirror # If you want to make the world a

:39:01.:39:07.

better place # Change! Ricky, you make it all

:39:08.:39:15.

worthwhile! May be it DOES make sense being on top of the O2 in a

:39:16.:39:17.

hot tub! But it from the hot tub. I think I've died and gone to

:39:18.:39:22.

heaven. Saluti. Chin-chin.

:39:23.:39:26.

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