Greg Davies' Hot Tub Half Hour Comic Relief

Hello, I'm Greg Davies, and you're watching Red Nose Day 2017.

I had been led to believe that I was going to be flown out to do a film

in Africa. But no, I'm in a hot tub on the top of the O2. It is horrific

up here. There is nothing for me to respond to. I can't tell you how

unhappy I am. You're in a hot tub, cheer up! You shot your mouth!

Russell Brand has a problem with a heckler. As we take a peek behind

the scenes of Love Actually. All this and more still to come. Are you

hot in that suit? I am! I was told I was going to Africa! Maybe you could

just ask us what you prepared? All right, let's do what I prepared. So,

tell me, how far do you have to walk every day to get water? We have got

a tap on the ensuite. Exactly. Even though you've got no money, I

understand you have a soccer kick around every Sunday in your village?

I mean, this is madness! Singer down, sweetheart, we are just trying

to help. We just came on here to tell you that Smack The Pony are

having a reunion later in the Shell. Well, you've done that now, haven't

you? Do you know you're a very rude man?! OK, let's go. That's OK, is

it? What we just saw? That counts for fund-raising these days, does

it? Here's a very special episode of Planet Earth, especially for Red

Nose Day, brought to you by the voice of the planet, Rob Brydon. At

last, something of real quality! For the very first time, the animal

kingdom is putting its weight This three-toed pygmy sloth

is midway through a sponsored triathlon, and setting

an impressive pace. Waiting to help him

through the third stage The sloth won't reach him

until sometime next year, He was more of a Sport

Relief booking anyway. of Animal Let's Sing

And Dance For Comic Relief. Like Human Let's Sing and Dance

for Comic Relief, you'll notice these bears aren't

very good at dancing. That's because, to the animal world,

they're celebrity bears. Here's Teddy Flintoff, who tonight

is up against Mary Beary. everyone in the animal

kingdom is involved. These locusts are being sponsored

to eat an entire lawn. They promised the council

there would only be ten of them, but Ian made it a public event

on Facebook, and now there's loads. This magnificent act of mass

kindness has raised over and left this neighbourhood

completely barren. The remote jungles of southeast Asia

are the only part of the world Instead, the wildlife

here have been raising money for a different cause,

Yellow Chin Day. 2,000 miles away, these

lions are raising money It's actually a lion

in a novelty giraffe costume. Like all novelty costumes used

in the wild, there are no eyeholes as without opposable

thumbs, it's impossible That's the third spectator

he's hit this month. are taking part in a sponsored

re-enactment of The Bourne Identity, These flamingos are going

to extraordinary lengths, but have sadly forgotten to get

the correct sponsorship forms, so it's all been a tragic

waste of time. have come together to create one

of the most majestic scenes in the entire natural world, giving

out the Red Nose Day text number. I've just realised this

is the number for Yellow Chin Day, Lenny Henry will tell

you where to send your money. Which reminds me, he

still owes me a fiver. Lorna visits Godfrey

and supports him as Can I ask you a little

bit about your mummy? He's definitely grieving,

he's definitely still grieving for his mum but he's ten,

he doesn't know how to handle grief. You know, the only support they have

is through Lorna coming round. I just want to keep

hugging that woman, I then discovered that

after losing both parents, Godfrey's

house had burned down. If it wasn't for you helping

people like Lorna, I don't know what would happen to such

a sweet, smart little boy like that. And there's so many boys like that,

he's not by himself. There's so many families

who are like this that we've just got to try

and help. Give whatever you can give,

we would be so grateful and it will help people like Lorna to help

little boys like Godfrey. Welcome back to my

Hot Tub Half Hour. Thank you for all your donations

so far, and if you haven't yet To give ?10, just take out your

phone and text YES to 70210. The numbers you need

are literally everywhere. On the screen, on the side

of the tub, they've even had it printed on the backside

of this duck. Yes, someone made the effort

to print a phone number on a duck - so maybe you could make the effort

to text a donation. And while you do just that,

here's the long-awaited reunion of Sally, Fiona and Doon,

AKA Smack The Pony. In English, we always use the

article. Your husband is still having

an affair so you'd say "my husband Ore is it ongoing? I don't know. You

could use the present continuous, you could say, my husband is having

an affair. My husband is having affair with dentist. With a dentist,

that's the article thing again. They making bad on huge, spinny, white

chair... There's so much wrong with that, I don't know where start.

Let's begin with a verb, if you were English, you would probably use the

past symbol. Is your husband still making out with the dentist on the

dental chair? No. So... Probably yes. In that case, your verb

choice,, yes. , is absolutely bang on! Eureka! Your English is really

improving! That's some consolation, isn't it? Do you want another

tissue? I think I've got a cheesecake in here... No. I am

cheese phobic. Dairy intolerant? No, I'm just afraid of it.

Oh! Makes you look... Really fat! Really old.

Who are they, are they relevant? This is a shambles! Welcome back to

the Hot Tub Half Hour on top of the O2 - for no reason! Please welcome

my next guest. It's Tom Daley, the diver. Are you not hot in that suit?

Yes, I'm hot in the suit. Why don't you take it off? So

that we can compare our bodies? That's a good idea, isn't it, Tom?!

Give me a pensioner what are you doing? I'm going to write some

questions for you Tom, bit of light-hearted banter. Well, what

should I do? Wait. Right... OK... When we go into swimming pools, why

do we have to have a shower first? Hygiene, bacteria, that kind of

stuff? Is it true that they put blue dye in swimming pools to stop people

weeing in it? No. It's a myth. You probably shouldn't wee in the pool

anywhere. Onto the serious raising money for Africa. Of people pledge,

I presume you're happy to do a charity dive into this coverage into

the hot tub?! Yes, into the hot tub. I can't dive into two foot of water.

You don't care about charity? Of course I do, but two foot of water,

I can't do that! Well, why have we done this?! Anyone?! No. What was

that? All right, somebody has texted in to say that if I take my top off,

they will give some money to charity. It's not happening, all

right? The dive was for a good cause, Tom. Moving on, here is a

powerful film about the growing epidemic of heckling. I am not

taking my top off! OK, so, Jim, would you

like to speak today? My name's Jim and this is actually

the first time I've even dared to... Take the tea cosy off

your head, you twit. Your village called,

their idiot's missing. Gordon, we've spoken

about this, haven't we? It's not fair, setting

off the rest... I think it all started for me

when I was at school, because you get the big kids

who bully you and start But then you'd also get the kids

who try and defuse the fights And I just think I was always

about ten feet away from them, Well, Gordon is one of the worst

cases I've ever experienced. I'm not actually sure that we can

break through with Gordon. Sorry, mate, is this

lady boring you? First out of the traps,

cover of Time Out. Keep that in the downstairs lav

for when I have a time-out. That's me on the cover of NME,

one "heck" of a guy, pre-beard. A couple of spreads

from various magazines. Billy Connolly,

called him a Big Yin. It was clear that Gordon

was a very special case. I come across him

early in my work life. ..Contingent in the room that will

just applaud me for being able... They're just impressed

that I can stand up. This guy said three words that

really stuck with me. Thing is, he was right,

because in real actual life, But what I've done is, since then,

Gordon, before I go on stage, I make a point of always having

a good look through a word book. Everyone knows that

shouldn't be in here. I started to realise some of my

material was getting a bit stale, because this new generation

were coming up who'd found a way to heckle in text form

underneath YouTube videos, and that was a real

wake-up call for me. That was the point when I first

started working with writers. Yeah, I do like "I've seen better

material in your mum's knickers". But I'm thinking, should it

be "Your dad's", so we're feminising the father

as well as insulting the act? OK, I think we'll work up some

options with different family members and see

what feels most natural. If we briefly go back to "You're

shit and you know you are", I'll never forget that

day, that feeling. Me out there, trying

to entertain people, I used to go to the doctor a lot

when I was a kid, actually. He sort of looked like the only

thing he'd ever cured was pork. Oh, come on, mate, I've seen better

material in your dad's knickers! And then I realised, in some vague,

slight, metaphorical way, it's a little bit like what I've

been doing my entire life, and Gordon has the longest journey to go

on, but I said to him on day one, as soon as you've acknowledged that

you've got a problem, you're sort But he's made strides since then

and we've got a new facilitator who Gordon seems to be responding

to quite well. "Is that your best gag",

said your mum in the bondage shop? During the ten minutes

that your photo was up on Tinder, you got left-swiped so many times

that you have whiplash Do you ever look in the mirror

and try and left-swipe yourself? You look like your principal

features were pinned on by a blindfolded five-year-old

at a birthday party. You have a face like a novelty jug

that was made in a secure You've made an effort

with your hair. It's like putting 26 inch rims

on a locking wheelie bin. Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man,

keeps a photograph of Well, you guessed it,

that wasn't a real charity at all, it was an amusing

sketch about hecklers. Here's a little film about a charity

we really do support. We are getting so much better at

talking about issues about emotional well-being, and thank goodness

because one in four of us will experience a mental health issue.

Cass found herself in a position where she needed help and did not

know what to do. I felt so depressed and numb to everything. I couldn't

do anything. I started self-harming when I was 11 or 12. Difficulties at

school, being bullied. I was 13. You had feelings that you didn't want to

go on with life that young? I was like, I need help now and if I don't

do it now, I don't know what is going to happen. Whish is one of the

only face-to-face providers of self-harm support in the UK. We have

seen time and again that Pearson port makes the difference for young

people going through self-harm. I don't think it is a stretch to say

this is a life-saving, life improving service for so many

people. Self-harm is often a response to something else that is

going on, like a release. It went downhill when my mum and dad split

up. I had friendship issues, did not have anyone to talk to. I was 12 or

13 when I started self-harming, which became progressively worse

throughout the years. The more you do it, the more you become

resistant, so you have to do it more to get the feeling you had when you

started. If I did not reach out for help, I would be... I have begun to

help run the group now, so I have come back weekly. I have done two

sessions so far to help run it. That is so amazing. I will be there every

week. For how much it helped me, I hope it could help someone else like

that. You think without the Centre things would be different? Yes.

Really? I don't know if I would even still be here. No young people

should have to go through such depression on their own that they

get to this stage with self-harming, so the centre is doing the most

wonderful, important help in saving young people's lives. I have goose

bumps talking about it. If you feel passionate, like me, please donate

to might. Thank you so much. I want to tell you about the Queen

's young leaders, set up by the Queen Elizabeth Diamond Jubilee

trust and its partners. The programme mentors inspirational

young people doing amazing things in communities around the Commonwealth

and right here in South Africa, where I grew up. It supports

communities across the townships, educating them about their human

rights. Chantelle encourages young athletes to keep up education

alongside a sports career. This woman heads up an initiative called

Africa matters and focuses on empowering women at university. The

Queen 's young leaders programme supports projects striving vital

change. In Jamaica, the sandals foundation is giving young people

who fall out of school a second chance by training them to set up

agricultural businesses. In the UK, it supports young people who others

have given up on. Across the Commonwealth, these brilliant,

dedicated people are transforming lives. Thank you to all of the Queen

's young leaders for everything you do. You are making the world a

better place. Happy? Berry. I'm now delighted to announce

that the Queen Elizabeth Diamond Jubilee Trust is giving ?2.2 million

to Comic Relief this Red Nose Day. That is good. Can I go now? Yes, you

can go. MUSIC: God Only Knows

by The Beach Boys. Over the years, we've been really

taken aback and surprised by how We thought it was going to be

a flop to start with. Strangely, there is a kind

of atmospheric link between Red Nose Day

and its optimism and Love There's a certain amount of

pressure, just because Love Actually is a hugely loved film,

and we're about to shoot with Liam The first day was always going to be

the most emotional one. Liam and Thomas, I don't think, had

seen each other since the premiere. So it's been kind of lovely,

putting people together again. Thomas and Olivia were little

children, and now they're He sent me the script,

and I had a big tear in my eye. 'Pretty well doing exactly the same

thing that he did before, except that we had this idea that

there'd be the longest queue in the history of supermarkets

waiting as he took five minutes Rowan is a sort of brilliantly

ageless comedian, and he did his normal range'

of perfect physical comedy. It's day three, and we

are in a radio station, which is actually Radio 1,

but this is Radio We're with Bill Nighy

and Marcus Brigstocke. Seriously, Red Nose Day, a wonderful

charity supporting children... I said to Richard that

I'd be happy to do it, and then he explained

that it was all for charity, so that was fairly

disappointing, but here we are. I had to watch the interview

on Radio Watford last night. I'm not famous for watching myself

and I'm not very keen on it, As he put on this ridiculous

accumulation of jackets and extraordinary iridescent blue

shoes, the character I don't think Bill Nighy's very

close to Billy Mack, because Bill Nighy is a noble

gentleman and Billy Mack is a reckless rogue

who you shouldn't trust The press conference was a big day,

you know, 80 people. Times for many people have

got harder, and people This nightmare with Richard

happens every bloody year. Ever since four Weddings

And A Funeral, he's asked me to do something, and some years I can

fob him off with money and say "I'm Hugh did not enjoy doing

the dancing originally. He was saying "This

is like the ultimate nightmare". We've asked him to do the one scene

that he found most difficult I liked it best when

you worked for me. He's quite restrained and hands off,

and she couldn't be We felt like an old married couple,

which is what we are. One of the strange things

about Love Actually is how so many of the cast have gone

on to do so well. I think we were Chiwetel's third

film, and since then he's been Keira, I remember she said

she was going on to do some pirate thing which would probably be

a disaster, and that turned out And Andrew's killed a lot

of zombies since then, so it was charming to have them

all back again. They're raising money

for Red Nose Day. Give them a quid and tell

them to bugger off. On the original board,

if you look at it carefully, there's Kate Moss with very long

hair and he said "I hope I'll be married to one

of these girls eventually". I told my wife, and even my wife

is thrilled that I'm Do you want the leopard

and I'll put that on? I hope that we've trod

a cunning balance between it being very Red Nose Day,

reminding people absolutely that the only reason all these

people have done it is in order to raise money, but to some extent

satisfy their curiosity and enthusiasm of people who've

so sweetly enjoyed The film you're about to see has no

words, the images say it all. # When you're sure you've had enough

of this life You can help move

children like Kumba from places like this,

to give them a better life and hope. Welcome back to the

Hot Tub Half Hour. Now charity is a very

serious, complex matter, and who better to explain it

than Philomena Cunk with one In case you are wondering

and worrying, Philomena is famous for being the worst journalist

in the United Kingdom. into the haves, the have-nots

and the don't knows. The haves, like the Prince

of Charles and Sting, are wealthy. and whatever the opposite

of Sting is, need our help. And we can help, with the help

of an invention known as charity. In one of the less boring bits

in the Bible, Jesus tells the story of the Good Samaritan,

who selflessly helped a stranger in need when others had walked

on by, probably while pretending or whatever the equivalent

of phones was in Bible times. the most popular face of modern

compassion is charity pin-up who devoted her life

to helping those in need. Mother Teresa said give,

but give until it hurts, which is possibly the sexiest thing

a nun's ever said, But even Mother T's achievements

pale into insignification compared to those of someone even more

saintly, Bobert Geldof. It was 1985 when St Bobert Geldof

changed the giving game for ever by organising the biggest charity

concert of all time, Livaid. One of the reasons Livaid

was successful was that

Livaid was easy to say. Before then, almost all charities

had hard-to-pronounce names. They were called things like Runib,

Ruspuca, Ruspuba and Nuspucca. They were called things like Runib,

Ruspuca, Ruspuba and Nuspuccuca. Luckily, it wasn't long

until a charity came along with a name that was

very easy to say. And it was a huge success

from the very beginning. 1988 saw the first ever

Red Nose Day, an event in which celebrities appeared on TV

with huge smiles and red noses, just like they did in

Groucho Club toilets. But while the celebrities give

up their time and ask nothing in return in a way that people

who actually need to be paid could never do, what's

the point of charity? To find out, I sat down

with Comic Reliff co-founder First of all, do I call you Richard

or do you prefer Dick? If we give starving people a load

of money, how do we know

they're not just going If you're dealing with something

like famine, you're always dealing through an intermediary who will be

making sure the right food about people that might have

like, peanut allergies? Because some people haven't tried

nuts before, have they? whether or not peanut allergies

are a sort of first world problem. I don't know, what an

interesting thought. Which is better, chugging

or writing rom-coms? I think the outcome,

the result of chugging, is better, because it actually helps people

whose lives are hard, whereas I don't know

if rom-coms do that. I think they make people realise

that there's lots of posh people... Have you thought about just

selling celebrities, I'm sure someone would pay a fortune

for John Bishop's kidneys. No, we haven't thought of that,

and I think that the comedians do quite a lot for us sometimes

that they don't want to do, and I suspect the sale of bodily

parts would be slightly more than they or their

representatives would... It'd be a talking point,

though, wouldn't it? It would be a morbid talking point

if John was no longer alive. No, I'm just saying "I killed

John Bishop" What's the most disgusting thing

you've heard someone do Because my mate Paul,

he did this party trick ..intimate skin, and it tore

it and it went septic. Actually, I think that might mean

he qualifies That is the first and most

disgusting thing I've ever heard It's awful to think what people

might be doing with them right now. Comic Reliff reminds us

that we can't leave charity It's up to all of us

to be knobs together. People like you and me,

putting our hands in our pockets And if not, maybe donating

the actual pocket, I'll be asking,

how much are new trousers? Welcome back to Red Nose Day, where

I am on top of the O2 in a hot tub, for no understandable reason. The

next logical test to have here is of course... Ricky Wilson macro from

the Kaiser Chiefs. Ever lived in Africa for any part of the

developing world? No. Always had enough food and access to clean

drinking water? Alan you seem pretty stressed? I just wanted to

contribute, Ricky. But I am in a hot tub with a bizarre collection of

guests on top of the O2, and, I don't know, I just wanted to do

something big! I did not want to be on top of the O2 in a hot tub,

Ricky. It's not too late, you've got me here, I am Ricky Wilson macro

from the Kaiser Chiefs. Let's do a heartfelt charity single!

# Man in the mirror # If you want to make the world a

better place # Change! Ricky, you make it all

worthwhile! May be it DOES make sense being on top of the O2 in a

hot tub! But it from the hot tub. I think I've died and gone to

heaven. Saluti. Chin-chin.