Greg Davies' Hot Tub Half Hour Comic Relief

Greg Davies' Hot Tub Half Hour

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Hello, I'm Greg Davies, and you're watching Red Nose Day 2017.


I had been led to believe that I was going to be flown out to do a film


in Africa. But no, I'm in a hot tub on the top of the O2. It is horrific


up here. There is nothing for me to respond to. I can't tell you how


unhappy I am. You're in a hot tub, cheer up! You shot your mouth!


Russell Brand has a problem with a heckler. As we take a peek behind


the scenes of Love Actually. All this and more still to come. Are you


hot in that suit? I am! I was told I was going to Africa! Maybe you could


just ask us what you prepared? All right, let's do what I prepared. So,


tell me, how far do you have to walk every day to get water? We have got


a tap on the ensuite. Exactly. Even though you've got no money, I


understand you have a soccer kick around every Sunday in your village?


I mean, this is madness! Singer down, sweetheart, we are just trying


to help. We just came on here to tell you that Smack The Pony are


having a reunion later in the Shell. Well, you've done that now, haven't


you? Do you know you're a very rude man?! OK, let's go. That's OK, is


it? What we just saw? That counts for fund-raising these days, does


it? Here's a very special episode of Planet Earth, especially for Red


Nose Day, brought to you by the voice of the planet, Rob Brydon. At


last, something of real quality! For the very first time, the animal


kingdom is putting its weight This three-toed pygmy sloth


is midway through a sponsored triathlon, and setting


an impressive pace. Waiting to help him


through the third stage The sloth won't reach him


until sometime next year, He was more of a Sport


Relief booking anyway. of Animal Let's Sing


And Dance For Comic Relief. Like Human Let's Sing and Dance


for Comic Relief, you'll notice these bears aren't


very good at dancing. That's because, to the animal world,


they're celebrity bears. Here's Teddy Flintoff, who tonight


is up against Mary Beary. everyone in the animal


kingdom is involved. These locusts are being sponsored


to eat an entire lawn. They promised the council


there would only be ten of them, but Ian made it a public event


on Facebook, and now there's loads. This magnificent act of mass


kindness has raised over and left this neighbourhood


completely barren. The remote jungles of southeast Asia


are the only part of the world Instead, the wildlife


here have been raising money for a different cause,


Yellow Chin Day. 2,000 miles away, these


lions are raising money It's actually a lion


in a novelty giraffe costume. Like all novelty costumes used


in the wild, there are no eyeholes as without opposable


thumbs, it's impossible That's the third spectator


he's hit this month. are taking part in a sponsored


re-enactment of The Bourne Identity, These flamingos are going


to extraordinary lengths, but have sadly forgotten to get


the correct sponsorship forms, so it's all been a tragic


waste of time. have come together to create one


of the most majestic scenes in the entire natural world, giving


out the Red Nose Day text number. I've just realised this


is the number for Yellow Chin Day, Lenny Henry will tell


you where to send your money. Which reminds me, he


still owes me a fiver. Lorna visits Godfrey


and supports him as Can I ask you a little


bit about your mummy? He's definitely grieving,


he's definitely still grieving for his mum but he's ten,


he doesn't know how to handle grief. You know, the only support they have


is through Lorna coming round. I just want to keep


hugging that woman, I then discovered that


after losing both parents, Godfrey's


house had burned down. If it wasn't for you helping


people like Lorna, I don't know what would happen to such


a sweet, smart little boy like that. And there's so many boys like that,


he's not by himself. There's so many families


who are like this that we've just got to try


and help. Give whatever you can give,


we would be so grateful and it will help people like Lorna to help


little boys like Godfrey. Welcome back to my


Hot Tub Half Hour. Thank you for all your donations


so far, and if you haven't yet To give ?10, just take out your


phone and text YES to 70210. The numbers you need


are literally everywhere. On the screen, on the side


of the tub, they've even had it printed on the backside


of this duck. Yes, someone made the effort


to print a phone number on a duck - so maybe you could make the effort


to text a donation. And while you do just that,


here's the long-awaited reunion of Sally, Fiona and Doon,


AKA Smack The Pony. In English, we always use the


article. Your husband is still having


an affair so you'd say "my husband Ore is it ongoing? I don't know. You


could use the present continuous, you could say, my husband is having


an affair. My husband is having affair with dentist. With a dentist,


that's the article thing again. They making bad on huge, spinny, white


chair... There's so much wrong with that, I don't know where start.


Let's begin with a verb, if you were English, you would probably use the


past symbol. Is your husband still making out with the dentist on the


dental chair? No. So... Probably yes. In that case, your verb


choice,, yes. , is absolutely bang on! Eureka! Your English is really


improving! That's some consolation, isn't it? Do you want another


tissue? I think I've got a cheesecake in here... No. I am


cheese phobic. Dairy intolerant? No, I'm just afraid of it.


Oh! Makes you look... Really fat! Really old.


Who are they, are they relevant? This is a shambles! Welcome back to


the Hot Tub Half Hour on top of the O2 - for no reason! Please welcome


my next guest. It's Tom Daley, the diver. Are you not hot in that suit?


Yes, I'm hot in the suit. Why don't you take it off? So


that we can compare our bodies? That's a good idea, isn't it, Tom?!


Give me a pensioner what are you doing? I'm going to write some


questions for you Tom, bit of light-hearted banter. Well, what


should I do? Wait. Right... OK... When we go into swimming pools, why


do we have to have a shower first? Hygiene, bacteria, that kind of


stuff? Is it true that they put blue dye in swimming pools to stop people


weeing in it? No. It's a myth. You probably shouldn't wee in the pool


anywhere. Onto the serious raising money for Africa. Of people pledge,


I presume you're happy to do a charity dive into this coverage into


the hot tub?! Yes, into the hot tub. I can't dive into two foot of water.


You don't care about charity? Of course I do, but two foot of water,


I can't do that! Well, why have we done this?! Anyone?! No. What was


that? All right, somebody has texted in to say that if I take my top off,


they will give some money to charity. It's not happening, all


right? The dive was for a good cause, Tom. Moving on, here is a


powerful film about the growing epidemic of heckling. I am not


taking my top off! OK, so, Jim, would you


like to speak today? My name's Jim and this is actually


the first time I've even dared to... Take the tea cosy off


your head, you twit. Your village called,


their idiot's missing. Gordon, we've spoken


about this, haven't we? It's not fair, setting


off the rest... I think it all started for me


when I was at school, because you get the big kids


who bully you and start But then you'd also get the kids


who try and defuse the fights And I just think I was always


about ten feet away from them, Well, Gordon is one of the worst


cases I've ever experienced. I'm not actually sure that we can


break through with Gordon. Sorry, mate, is this


lady boring you? First out of the traps,


cover of Time Out. Keep that in the downstairs lav


for when I have a time-out. That's me on the cover of NME,


one "heck" of a guy, pre-beard. A couple of spreads


from various magazines. Billy Connolly,


called him a Big Yin. It was clear that Gordon


was a very special case. I come across him


early in my work life. ..Contingent in the room that will


just applaud me for being able... They're just impressed


that I can stand up. This guy said three words that


really stuck with me. Thing is, he was right,


because in real actual life, But what I've done is, since then,


Gordon, before I go on stage, I make a point of always having


a good look through a word book. Everyone knows that


shouldn't be in here. I started to realise some of my


material was getting a bit stale, because this new generation


were coming up who'd found a way to heckle in text form


underneath YouTube videos, and that was a real


wake-up call for me. That was the point when I first


started working with writers. Yeah, I do like "I've seen better


material in your mum's knickers". But I'm thinking, should it


be "Your dad's", so we're feminising the father


as well as insulting the act? OK, I think we'll work up some


options with different family members and see


what feels most natural. If we briefly go back to "You're


shit and you know you are", I'll never forget that


day, that feeling. Me out there, trying


to entertain people, I used to go to the doctor a lot


when I was a kid, actually. He sort of looked like the only


thing he'd ever cured was pork. Oh, come on, mate, I've seen better


material in your dad's knickers! And then I realised, in some vague,


slight, metaphorical way, it's a little bit like what I've


been doing my entire life, and Gordon has the longest journey to go


on, but I said to him on day one, as soon as you've acknowledged that


you've got a problem, you're sort But he's made strides since then


and we've got a new facilitator who Gordon seems to be responding


to quite well. "Is that your best gag",


said your mum in the bondage shop? During the ten minutes


that your photo was up on Tinder, you got left-swiped so many times


that you have whiplash Do you ever look in the mirror


and try and left-swipe yourself? You look like your principal


features were pinned on by a blindfolded five-year-old


at a birthday party. You have a face like a novelty jug


that was made in a secure You've made an effort


with your hair. It's like putting 26 inch rims


on a locking wheelie bin. Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man,


keeps a photograph of Well, you guessed it,


that wasn't a real charity at all, it was an amusing


sketch about hecklers. Here's a little film about a charity


we really do support. We are getting so much better at


talking about issues about emotional well-being, and thank goodness


because one in four of us will experience a mental health issue.


Cass found herself in a position where she needed help and did not


know what to do. I felt so depressed and numb to everything. I couldn't


do anything. I started self-harming when I was 11 or 12. Difficulties at


school, being bullied. I was 13. You had feelings that you didn't want to


go on with life that young? I was like, I need help now and if I don't


do it now, I don't know what is going to happen. Whish is one of the


only face-to-face providers of self-harm support in the UK. We have


seen time and again that Pearson port makes the difference for young


people going through self-harm. I don't think it is a stretch to say


this is a life-saving, life improving service for so many


people. Self-harm is often a response to something else that is


going on, like a release. It went downhill when my mum and dad split


up. I had friendship issues, did not have anyone to talk to. I was 12 or


13 when I started self-harming, which became progressively worse


throughout the years. The more you do it, the more you become


resistant, so you have to do it more to get the feeling you had when you


started. If I did not reach out for help, I would be... I have begun to


help run the group now, so I have come back weekly. I have done two


sessions so far to help run it. That is so amazing. I will be there every


week. For how much it helped me, I hope it could help someone else like


that. You think without the Centre things would be different? Yes.


Really? I don't know if I would even still be here. No young people


should have to go through such depression on their own that they


get to this stage with self-harming, so the centre is doing the most


wonderful, important help in saving young people's lives. I have goose


bumps talking about it. If you feel passionate, like me, please donate


to might. Thank you so much. I want to tell you about the Queen


's young leaders, set up by the Queen Elizabeth Diamond Jubilee


trust and its partners. The programme mentors inspirational


young people doing amazing things in communities around the Commonwealth


and right here in South Africa, where I grew up. It supports


communities across the townships, educating them about their human


rights. Chantelle encourages young athletes to keep up education


alongside a sports career. This woman heads up an initiative called


Africa matters and focuses on empowering women at university. The


Queen 's young leaders programme supports projects striving vital


change. In Jamaica, the sandals foundation is giving young people


who fall out of school a second chance by training them to set up


agricultural businesses. In the UK, it supports young people who others


have given up on. Across the Commonwealth, these brilliant,


dedicated people are transforming lives. Thank you to all of the Queen


's young leaders for everything you do. You are making the world a


better place. Happy? Berry. I'm now delighted to announce


that the Queen Elizabeth Diamond Jubilee Trust is giving ?2.2 million


to Comic Relief this Red Nose Day. That is good. Can I go now? Yes, you


can go. MUSIC: God Only Knows


by The Beach Boys. Over the years, we've been really


taken aback and surprised by how We thought it was going to be


a flop to start with. Strangely, there is a kind


of atmospheric link between Red Nose Day


and its optimism and Love There's a certain amount of


pressure, just because Love Actually is a hugely loved film,


and we're about to shoot with Liam The first day was always going to be


the most emotional one. Liam and Thomas, I don't think, had


seen each other since the premiere. So it's been kind of lovely,


putting people together again. Thomas and Olivia were little


children, and now they're He sent me the script,


and I had a big tear in my eye. 'Pretty well doing exactly the same


thing that he did before, except that we had this idea that


there'd be the longest queue in the history of supermarkets


waiting as he took five minutes Rowan is a sort of brilliantly


ageless comedian, and he did his normal range'


of perfect physical comedy. It's day three, and we


are in a radio station, which is actually Radio 1,


but this is Radio We're with Bill Nighy


and Marcus Brigstocke. Seriously, Red Nose Day, a wonderful


charity supporting children... I said to Richard that


I'd be happy to do it, and then he explained


that it was all for charity, so that was fairly


disappointing, but here we are. I had to watch the interview


on Radio Watford last night. I'm not famous for watching myself


and I'm not very keen on it, As he put on this ridiculous


accumulation of jackets and extraordinary iridescent blue


shoes, the character I don't think Bill Nighy's very


close to Billy Mack, because Bill Nighy is a noble


gentleman and Billy Mack is a reckless rogue


who you shouldn't trust The press conference was a big day,


you know, 80 people. Times for many people have


got harder, and people This nightmare with Richard


happens every bloody year. Ever since four Weddings


And A Funeral, he's asked me to do something, and some years I can


fob him off with money and say "I'm Hugh did not enjoy doing


the dancing originally. He was saying "This


is like the ultimate nightmare". We've asked him to do the one scene


that he found most difficult I liked it best when


you worked for me. He's quite restrained and hands off,


and she couldn't be We felt like an old married couple,


which is what we are. One of the strange things


about Love Actually is how so many of the cast have gone


on to do so well. I think we were Chiwetel's third


film, and since then he's been Keira, I remember she said


she was going on to do some pirate thing which would probably be


a disaster, and that turned out And Andrew's killed a lot


of zombies since then, so it was charming to have them


all back again. They're raising money


for Red Nose Day. Give them a quid and tell


them to bugger off. On the original board,


if you look at it carefully, there's Kate Moss with very long


hair and he said "I hope I'll be married to one


of these girls eventually". I told my wife, and even my wife


is thrilled that I'm Do you want the leopard


and I'll put that on? I hope that we've trod


a cunning balance between it being very Red Nose Day,


reminding people absolutely that the only reason all these


people have done it is in order to raise money, but to some extent


satisfy their curiosity and enthusiasm of people who've


so sweetly enjoyed The film you're about to see has no


words, the images say it all. # When you're sure you've had enough


of this life You can help move


children like Kumba from places like this,


to give them a better life and hope. Welcome back to the


Hot Tub Half Hour. Now charity is a very


serious, complex matter, and who better to explain it


than Philomena Cunk with one In case you are wondering


and worrying, Philomena is famous for being the worst journalist


in the United Kingdom. into the haves, the have-nots


and the don't knows. The haves, like the Prince


of Charles and Sting, are wealthy. and whatever the opposite


of Sting is, need our help. And we can help, with the help


of an invention known as charity. In one of the less boring bits


in the Bible, Jesus tells the story of the Good Samaritan,


who selflessly helped a stranger in need when others had walked


on by, probably while pretending or whatever the equivalent


of phones was in Bible times. the most popular face of modern


compassion is charity pin-up who devoted her life


to helping those in need. Mother Teresa said give,


but give until it hurts, which is possibly the sexiest thing


a nun's ever said, But even Mother T's achievements


pale into insignification compared to those of someone even more


saintly, Bobert Geldof. It was 1985 when St Bobert Geldof


changed the giving game for ever by organising the biggest charity


concert of all time, Livaid. One of the reasons Livaid


was successful was that


Livaid was easy to say. Before then, almost all charities


had hard-to-pronounce names. They were called things like Runib,


Ruspuca, Ruspuba and Nuspucca. They were called things like Runib,


Ruspuca, Ruspuba and Nuspuccuca. Luckily, it wasn't long


until a charity came along with a name that was


very easy to say. And it was a huge success


from the very beginning. 1988 saw the first ever


Red Nose Day, an event in which celebrities appeared on TV


with huge smiles and red noses, just like they did in


Groucho Club toilets. But while the celebrities give


up their time and ask nothing in return in a way that people


who actually need to be paid could never do, what's


the point of charity? To find out, I sat down


with Comic Reliff co-founder First of all, do I call you Richard


or do you prefer Dick? If we give starving people a load


of money, how do we know


they're not just going If you're dealing with something


like famine, you're always dealing through an intermediary who will be


making sure the right food about people that might have


like, peanut allergies? Because some people haven't tried


nuts before, have they? whether or not peanut allergies


are a sort of first world problem. I don't know, what an


interesting thought. Which is better, chugging


or writing rom-coms? I think the outcome,


the result of chugging, is better, because it actually helps people


whose lives are hard, whereas I don't know


if rom-coms do that. I think they make people realise


that there's lots of posh people... Have you thought about just


selling celebrities, I'm sure someone would pay a fortune


for John Bishop's kidneys. No, we haven't thought of that,


and I think that the comedians do quite a lot for us sometimes


that they don't want to do, and I suspect the sale of bodily


parts would be slightly more than they or their


representatives would... It'd be a talking point,


though, wouldn't it? It would be a morbid talking point


if John was no longer alive. No, I'm just saying "I killed


John Bishop" What's the most disgusting thing


you've heard someone do Because my mate Paul,


he did this party trick ..intimate skin, and it tore


it and it went septic. Actually, I think that might mean


he qualifies That is the first and most


disgusting thing I've ever heard It's awful to think what people


might be doing with them right now. Comic Reliff reminds us


that we can't leave charity It's up to all of us


to be knobs together. People like you and me,


putting our hands in our pockets And if not, maybe donating


the actual pocket, I'll be asking,


how much are new trousers? Welcome back to Red Nose Day, where


I am on top of the O2 in a hot tub, for no understandable reason. The


next logical test to have here is of course... Ricky Wilson macro from


the Kaiser Chiefs. Ever lived in Africa for any part of the


developing world? No. Always had enough food and access to clean


drinking water? Alan you seem pretty stressed? I just wanted to


contribute, Ricky. But I am in a hot tub with a bizarre collection of


guests on top of the O2, and, I don't know, I just wanted to do


something big! I did not want to be on top of the O2 in a hot tub,


Ricky. It's not too late, you've got me here, I am Ricky Wilson macro


from the Kaiser Chiefs. Let's do a heartfelt charity single!


# Man in the mirror # If you want to make the world a


better place # Change! Ricky, you make it all


worthwhile! May be it DOES make sense being on top of the O2 in a


hot tub! But it from the hot tub. I think I've died and gone to


heaven. Saluti. Chin-chin.


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