Graham Norton's Big Chat Live Comic Relief

Good evening, good evening, and welcome back to Red Nose Day

I feel a bit like when you book a budget airline to Rome and you get

there and think, this is Rome? Yes, this is the O2! Anyway, not what you

were expecting. And just when you thought your

Friday night couldn't get any more exciting I'm here with a very

special chat show where I'll be attempting to fill the longest sofa

in history with more amazing celebrities than you

can shake a stick at! What they have done with cushions is

really special! So, what a night of

fundraising it's been! First I need to say

a huge thank you to Greg It's been a real treat seeing a full

moon over the O2 tonight. Now to kick things off I need

to remind you why we're doing We need your money, more than ever

to help people in the UK As it's a special show we're lucky

enough to have two of the countries No, that's not happening, is it?

That has gone. Let's get some guests on. It is chaos back there. There

are so many guests. I will yell out names, and if they come on, it has

gone very well. Let's get cracking. We have got Gordon Ramsay, Martine

McCutcheon, Sir Lenny Henry. Jessica Hynes. Hello. Hello, hello. Now,

this is five people. You can see how far we have to go with this. Welcome

to you all. You have done all of the W 18 trailers for Comic Relief.

Many, you have done so much over the years. You did a big gig in

Birmingham this year. Yes, it was fantastic, with all the new comedian

-- comedians. And we saw you in Love Actually. Gordon, what have you done

this year? Lots. Quite a lot. Yesterday we shopped a new advert.

And always supporting Comic Relief. There is also a swearing app. You

could have downloaded that and cancel third World debt in a month.

Gordon Ramsay, ladies and gentlemen, has a new show on ITV. What's that?

Culinary genius. What? Culinary genius.

How do you pronounce that? When you do it now, because you are rich and

successful, do you get a moment when you fear that you might be very

mellow? Graham, hang on. Could you shut up over there, please. It's

really noisy. Shut up. Lenny... You have to be quiet. We are trying to

make television over here. Shut up. The funny thing is, Lenny, those are

the guests. , Right. That's 30 drunk celebrities. Sorry, darlings. I

don't mean it at all. Carry on. Martine, do you like cooking? Gordon

tried to teach me but I was useless so he gave up. Really? Yes, it

didn't go down too well but we got there. Love Actually, were you

surprised to find yourself still married to Hugh Grant? No, I always

hoped they would live happily ever after. So I was glad that they did.

I wanted them to be together and happy. Where you fearful when you

got the call? No. I was really excited. I knew that whatever

Richard did would be amazing and the fact that it was for Comic Relief, a

great cause, and to see gorgeous Hugh Grant again, it is a tough job

but someone has to do it. But no tongues this time. Were you not

tempted? I tried. I said, I think they should snog. Never mind. It is

so weird seeing you, Lenny, because I saw you earlier... I have been

here all might! I saw you earlier and it was Broadchurch Lenny. We are

so used to cuddly, lovely Lenny, and then he possibly has done terrible

things. I can't say anything about the show. You are so good in the

show. So good. Is it hard to come from something like that and do the

glee club in Birmingham? Yes, it was weird. When you are in Broadchurch,

David and Olivia do everything, every day, lots of dialogue. You

come in for two days, do your bit and split. Is that how you did it on

the show? Have you not seen it, he is very camp. Richard said, would

you go to Birmingham and do a set at the glee club and I said, OK. I had

not done a set for ages but it was really good fun. We had new, young

comedians, incredibly talented and I was the compere. I really loved it,

really enjoyed it. I am not sure I would want to do it again any time

soon but it was a really enjoyable might. We must talk about your show,

which is coming back. We love it. Because the two of view, you know,

Jessica I have no knew of old. I have never met you. I meet you and I

assume you are stupid. I am sure you are not. No, I am a genius. It must

happen all the time that people talk to you slowly and do not trust you

to do anything. Yes, which I appreciate. Does it happen to you?

Do you end up using the perfect curve language? I try not to. If I

slip into it, I stop myself because it feels weird to do that. You don't

want to do that. But if people think of you as a character, they look at

you in a funny way, like you are the character. But you did do something

that was quite like your character. When was the incident with Anna

Cornick over in Eastbourne? I thought you were talking to me. Can

you hear me? I think by the end of this I will not be able to hear

people down there. Anyway, keep going. Anecdote alert, go. This has

been blown out of proportion. It was not actually something I did. When

you say blown up, you mean it is a lie. Is, she played tennis. Near

where I went to school. It was where we smoked, on the tennis courts, and

someone went to try and woo her via playing the song to the music video

she was doing with Enrique Cerezo Scott and her mum got angry because

she was training. But you did show up? I did.

And if seeing Red Nose Day Actually has made you want to watch

the original movie, well great news - if you purchase Love Actually

on iTunes this weekend, Apple and Universal have agreed that

all profits from the downloads will go to Comic Relief.

There are plenty more guests waiting to join me out

here but first up David Walliams, who is going toe to toe

Today, we meet a TV presenter who claims his rival is stealing

When is this godforsaken show of yours, Caught Red Handed, on?

The problem is, more people are watching this smug git

on ITV and the only reason for that is because he shouts

at his guests to try and get more viewers.

I think it's high time we met this turd.

Bog off, like I shout at people to get more viewers.

Sit down and shut up, you sweaty BLEEP.

What have you got to say for yourself?

Well, I'm doing one, I'm not bothered.

Earlier today, we sent Jeremy Kyle here to do a lie detector test.

We asked him "Do you just shout at your guests to get viewers?"

I've never shouted at anybody on my show to get viewers!

Do you want Steve here to pull down your trousers and pants

We also sent Jeremy here for a DNA test.

The test has proved, without a shadow of a doubt...

You have got to stop looking like a shrunken Matt Lucas.

And you need to stop shouting at people on TV.

I'm not going to shout at people any more.

That's what I'm going to do, I'm going to yell.

So you with your wig and you, you baldy, you can get off.

If you've been affected by the issues in this show,

just grow up and don't be such a crybaby.

Wow. Slightly creepy at the end, there. Still plenty of room on my

sofa, please welcome Cara Delevingne, Matt Lucas, Warren Davis

and Jonathan Ross. Hello. Hello. Please sit down. Nice

to see you, nice to see you. Jonathan, hello. Phoebe, high. Hi,

hi. Everybody knows everybody. You work in three back together? Indeed.

And you know each other? Yes. In prison? Why was it like that. Just

hanging out. Hanging out. OK. How are you? Very good, thank you.

Jonathan, I have never interviewed you. It is an honour to be on the

couch on what is widely regarded as the second best talk show in

England. Lovely to be here. The nightly show is excellent, I agree

with you. Good luck, Gordon. Start Monday. You're doing it Monday?

Can't wait. It without me get over this. Warwick, are you working with

Phoebe? No. But you are working in the same world? And Tallulah, Star

Wars is the world. You are back in Star Wars. I first did Star Wars

when I was 11. It celebrates its 40th anniversary this year. I did

Return Of The Jedi, episode one, episode seven and episode eight. You

are in this new one? Which one are you talking about, eight? The one

that isn't out yet. That's eight. He's a real stickler for the

numbers. Phoebe, you are in the spin off? Yes, the Hans Solo spin off.

Who are you in that? I don't know. Chewbacca? I don't know. You are

very tall. Matt Lucas, Ayew the new Doctor Who assistant? Yes, I am one

of the two assistants for the new season. That's so exciting. I've

been here since June doing that. I was filming in Abergavenny today. Is

this bad timing? He is leaving. He didn't like working with me. Do you

stay when he shuffles off? I'm not at liberty to say anything. They

will chop my hands off if I say anything, they are very strict in

Doctor Who. I can fly the Tardis, did you know? In the Hans Solo thing

you are in, people say they cannot reveal the secret, what actually

happens if you just said what's in it? Shall we find out? Yeah, do it.

No, I'm terrified, I'm really quite scared. Phoebe, when you are writing

feedback, you wrote it in three weeks, you just kind of did it. The

play, the one-woman show, yes, but the series took a lot longer. That's

interesting, I thought when you read the series you wrote it thinking

I'll never have to do this stuff. It sort of was the case for the play

anyway, I thought nobody would come and hear me say this. So I thought

it would be safe enough to do it. Apparently that's the way to get

people to come, say things that people don't expect you to say. Or

do. Because we saw it. But there's more, isn't there? Well hopefully,

yes. In terms of embarrassment threshold, Cara Delevingne, I think

your embarrassment threshold is quite high. Why? I'm quite nervous

right now. We were talking earlier about having six on a plane. As you

have, clearly. Oddly I have. Let's talk about that. If it's just with

yourself it doesn't count. But if that doesn't count my life is

meaningless. Anyone else, anyone else? Have you done it, well done.

I've not even had six but I hear it's wonderful. You were doing it

and then a man was watching you? My father is here to night. I was very

worried for a moment, then. Someone was watching you on the plane? The

pilot? No. Yeah, I don't even know how to start the story. Were you in

the toilets? Why are you telling everyone now? I'm sorry, we hadn't

announced it. I thought it was the time with me? We were both watching.

I like the idea that rather than being embarrassed, you complain

someone was watching you. Yes, of course, it was disgusting. I

thought, what is this pervert doing? Whereabouts in the cabin did it take

place? Right in the middle. In the galley? In the seat. We are going to

ask you to perform in a different nature tonight. This is chat show

gold. You have a very special skill. This is all I do on chat shows.

Don't worry, it's not like Big Brother, it's totally different.

What is your special trick can you do it? So basically I'm going to try

and attempt to do this. If anybody wants to try I'd really enjoy it

because I'm probably going to fail. What's it called? It has no name.

You can name it if you want. Here we go. This is Cara Delevingne doing

something. O God. Imagine we are on the plane. I learnt this on the

plane as well. Ooh. The concentration is way too intense.

She's getting back up. Ooh. Well done. Anyone else want to go? Now.

We've got a film from one of all of our great heroes.

This is perhaps, in a slightly strange way, my favourite

Well, I'm back on Comic Relief, and what a journey it's been.

I started 30 years ago, a youngish man with a lush coloured

Today, ladies and gentlemen, I finished my first novel.

It's taken me a long time to read a book, but there you go.

I seem to remember I cracked a joke or two, then I went to Mozambique.

Quite fun there as well, but I saw some terrible things too.

Standing beside me just now, this is Sophia.

Just over a year ago she was playing in a field with her sister.

She jumped over a wall and landed on a landmine.

It blew up, Sophia lost her legs and her sister lost her life.

And I was glad to do my bit just to pass on to the British public

what it was actually like in tough places like that.

I went back there again a few years later, and saw the amazing

That girl being reunited with her dad for a day.

And then, of course, I made a bloody fool of myself

running naked around Piccadilly Circus.

I think it made a million quid, but who knows?

I certainly frighten some poor, innocent pedestrians.

Worst hospital I've ever seen, tough things there.

Would you like a wee glimpse of hell?

But I don't know if I would ever have guessed this, the latest

So it is time for me to bring it home, and ask you to spare

a few quid for the work you and Comic Relief

I'm not young myself, so let me seem a bit selfish and say

it would be great if you could give it a bit of thought,

Life can get very hard for old people, they're not well

It's an amazing thing Red Nose night.

The utter generosity changing the lives of millions of strangers,

If you got some spare cash, spirit for someone not very

different from your granny or your grandfather.

God bless, I'll be back later because if you don't

give ?1 million, I'm going to take my clothes off again

I'm very proud of the stuff we've done together.

Huge thank you to Billy. Comic relief support amazing work in this

country that transforms the lives of older people, people in trouble at

all stages of life. If you haven't given yet, listen to that wonderful

man who has been helping Comic Relief for 30 years and give a few

quid. We can't go any further without

finding out the answer to the one question this evening that has had

people arguing up and down the country. I've become strangely

involved. I didn't think I would care but I do. We are going to find

out the winner of the World Cup of biscuits.

Hello. Ooh. This is nice. You're very welcome. Were you all watching?

Of course we were. I missed the beginning, was a chocolate hobnob in

at any time? Yes. And it didn't win? It was beaten by the chocolate

digestive. That's madness. Chocolate digestive was a finalist. Milk

chocolate hobnob can't be beaten, really. Did you vote? In fairness I

didn't. Then it is your fault. That has happened to me before. By the

way, what was your job? How dare you? What? In the judging? Putting

one on a wall chart, thank you very much in a beautiful manner. You did

it literally perfectly. You had a nice overall. I had a tabard, a Red

Nose Day Tabard. I had heard Steph Strudwick I was feeding and watering

everybody. -- I had a hostess trolley. I didn't know anything

about this, but I have eaten a lot of biscuits. What's your favourite

biscuit? I will go with the orange viscount today. I say orange

viscount. O do pipe down. This is like a coach trip. As the only chef

here, what's your favourite biscuit? Fig rolls. Oh no! Out of context.

Blue. People are cancelling reservations now. So the final was?

Chocolate digestive is against chocolate fingers. OK, and you are

going to reveal the winner, I believe? If you would like me to. Do

we want to hear the winner? Was it close? I don't want to get all

Brexit on your as but it was 52-48. You want to know? The winner of the

World Cup of biscuits this 2070 was...

You will find out after the break. No, we are on BBC One, don't panic.

The winner of the World Cup of Biscuits 2017 was chocolate

digestives! Are you happy with that? Very happy. Have we mentioned

Miranda's book, which is still for sale? All proceeds go to Comic

Relief. It is a lovely idea. It is nice things in your average day. I

am proud of it. I am going to do some countercultural

self-congratulation. I like January 14, singing, but not standard

singing. I think that one is to sing out of tune. Put on a song and sing

out of tune. It is good fun. They are fun tasks to do everyday to make

yourself feel better, more jolly, less anxious and stressed. And

singing out of tune is a hoot. You seem ever so cheerful so it is

obviously working. I wonder what that must sound like. Do a bit. Sing

out of June? I tried total eclipse of the heart the other day.

# Total eclipse of the heart # And I need you now tonight

# And I need you more than ever # And I'll only hold you tight

# We'll be holding on forever

# Ferrer via's going to start and night

# Once upon a time I was... # Now there's only... We are

stopping. He got carried away, he was enjoying it. We are going to

continue with the food theme. We had biscuits but now we welcome two men

who have literally raised a lot of dough, Micky Flanagan and Joe

Lycett. APPLAUSE

Hello. Hello. Come in and sit down. Micky

Flanagan, Joe Lycett. Sit, sit down. Can I sit there? No com you cannot.

Was that meant to be a crop top? No, but it got hot. You were really

working in a pizza kitchen. Yes, I understand why he swears so much. It

was infuriating. People were sending stuff back. It wasn't cooked.

Sometimes in a rush, who wants to cook things? You were front of

house. I am livid with Micky Flanagan. He wasted our time. Did he

embarrass you? He embarrassed me. It is sleeveless as well. Calm

yourselves, everybody. How were you raising money? Trying to get

donations for the good work we were doing from the people in the

restaurant. We didn't get loads, did we, Micky? How much was it? I got

two cubes in someone's pizza and they kicked off, because they wanted

more. Did people not see the funny side? Everyone was very nice, but

they were obviously poor. Poor and annoyed. Do you have a grand total?

Yes, it is all in this bucket, so it is obviously a lot. The pizza Comic

Relief challenge 2017 has raised... ?385. -- ?375. And 19p. I put that

in. That T-shirt on eBay will sell for a lot. If I get it nice and

sweaty. My pants are going on as well. She wants it.

when the biggest musician in the world met the biggest

Ladies and gentleman it's the very special People Just Do Nothing.

Today, I've set Kurupt FM up with one of their first

It's so top secret, they don't even bloody know who it is.

But we know it's definitely going to be an award-winning artist, right?

Well, let's just say it's one of the biggest

We could do a Godfather and Godfather back to back.

You don't need to play instruments these days to make music.

Like, you can literally play a keyboard with one finger

for 30 minutes and you've got a banger.

So I'm a big fan of People Just Do Nothing.

we are going to need some drinks laid out.

Got some big artist coming in very soon,

so if we could do that really quickly and then

No, no, no, guys, don't you know who this is?

You said it was going to be one of the biggest

Basically, I Photoshopped our Twitter page to make it look

like we have 34 million followers instead of 34, yeah?

Richard Curtis called me up and was like,

# We could change this whole world with a piano.

# Grab a bass, some guitar, add a beat and away we go.

# I'm just a boy with a one man show....

# I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote.

# Saying love can change the world in a moment, but what do I know?

If I'm being honest, mate, it's a bit depressing.

Right, I'm just trying to think of a way to make it less shit.

What if it had more of a sort of message to it?

Well, I mean, that's the kind of point of the song.

Yeah, love's going to change the world.

Garage is going to change the world, with a bass line?

Or if the song was about bringing garage to Africa?

That's what I was just about to think of.

I don't know if the continent of Africa knows or cares about garage.

Oh, well, maybe that's part of the problem, then, Ed.

Always the same drums, Decoy, that's what garage is about.

Just saying, you must be smashing it with the ladies, getting loads of...

No, cos the ginger thing's really working.

I was thinking of maybe dyeing my 'tache ginger.

# We could change this whole world with a piano.

# We could change this whole world...

Right, probably still need to chop that up to make it sound

# I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

# Song that I wrote, song that I wrote...

Make sure you've got a good drop as well.

It's a little musical thing you probably haven't come across

That's your target audience, the raver.

I thought your target audience was Africa.

Why don't you leave it to the professionals, Ed?

Why don't you go outside and let us crack on?

I've got a cold sore, but we can just do blowbacks.

Do you think garage can change the world?

I don't think we need to change the world.

I think we need to make music saying that we're going

to change the world, you know what I mean?

We're not going to fucking do anything.

But I'm going to let people hear it and be like, rar.

If they wanted to, they could change the world.

People ? just do something and put your hands

together for Kurupt FM and, it's only bloody Ed Sheeran.

City yourselves down, sit yourself down. Pile in. -- sit yourselves

down. They love you. I know this is chaos. Just a bit further. Use it on

the table. I'm easy. Don't look over my wine. Then I will lose my temper.

We love to seeing the documentary of you and Ed Sheeran. You were not

that familiar with him. No. Was he a fan of yours? Big-time. It's

obvious, isn't it? It is good for him because he got inspired, and we

helped him because he came with his weird... He didn't have any drums on

his music before so we thought we would put a Garrard -ish beat on it.

He was lovely but very needy. Was it you that inspired a song for him?

This is another thing about him being needy. His song, shape of

view, it is a good song, but he was calling out the manager. It was a

bit needy. Chill out, mate. Here is the thing. Crime is your... That is

where Grimes stemmed from. Miranda Hart is about to be in a musical.

That's true. Are there any beats or anything you could teach Miranda to

help her? It's about children so she has to be down with the kids. Yes,

it is Annie, a family show, and I feel this would work really well.

You have to do the one Lakes gang. Put one leg in the air and go like

that. I do that quite a lot anyway. One of the dancers is the gun

finger. Don't get worried, it's not violent. Yes, yes.

Locks to work with, Miranda. On my last night, I will put that in, I

promise. Say my name when you do it, I invented it. She knows who I am.

You have done a video with Ed Sheeran which has not been seen yet.

A world exclusive on your show. You are welcome. I got a sneaky peek and

it is genius. It is beautiful on so many levels. It is a blockbuster,

with so many effects. There is a glimpse. That is special. What we

are trying to say is that... Ed Sheeran is loving it. You can get a

green screen and make your own little thing. The thing is, if my

lyrics will help to change the world, so be it. I don't want a

thank you or anything. Just buy me a beer when you see me. If I am happy

with the amount we have raised in the next hour, we will give everyone

at home that exclusive world premiere. Get text in, because you

don't want to miss it. It is really genius. It could give Amarillo a run

for its money. What is Amarillo? This is the weird thing about

tonight, one minute it is funny and then it is serious. This next film

is tough, but it does show why we are here.

It's 9am, and it's already getting busy in the children's ward at this

It's a worrying time for mums and dads, but

thankfully the majority of these little ones will make a full

And their parents will get to see their babies grow up into

But for some very sick children, often the

ones from the poorest homes, this is only the beginning of the

And one of the scariest conditions they face is pneumonia.

This is Joffrey, and he is five months old.

Joffrey has already had a tough start in life.

He was born with malformed limbs, and his mum, Rosemary,

Joffrey has been admitted with severe pneumonia.

He wasn't vaccinated, and because of that,

Vaccines that stop children dying unnecessarily can

But every day, this ward sees a wave of new cases.

Joffrey's tiny lungs filling with fluid, he is too weak

He needs oxygen but he is so small, it's hard to fix

Children with pneumonia never stop arriving.

And as the day draws on, Joffrey's condition is not improving.

He needs every ounce of strength to fight the pneumonia.

But he is so frail now, it is hard for him to swallow.

The awful truth is that this could have been prevented.

With every breath, Joffrey is fighting for his life.

With every moment that passes, all his mum can do is hope.

A lot of issues raised to are highly complicated but this is a simple

truth, vaccinations saves lives. Vaccinations that

cost as little as ?5. It would be wonderful

if you could ring, go online, or text -

and save someone's life tonight,

while London Grammar are singing this beautiful song -

"Truth Is A Beautiful Thing". # To hold your heart,

to hold your hand # Could you take my

place and stand here? # I do not think

you'd take this pain # You'll be on your knees

and struggle under the weight # Oh, the truth would

be a beautiful thing # Deep in my call you

know you have a throne # To hold your heart,

to hold your hand # Could you take my

place and stand here? # I don't think

you'll take this pain # You'll be on your knees

and struggle under the weight # Oh, the truth would

be a beautiful thing # Oh, the truth is

a beautiful thing #. Thank you so much, the amazing

Right, if you've just given ? thank you so much.

Can I try to convince you that this is the moment to give?

Here's the thing ? every two minutes a child dies in Africa

from entirely preventable diseases and we're

working to defeat that by buying lifesaving

vaccines with the excellent help of the excellent

Global Fund and GAVI - the Vaccine Alliance.

And the amazing news is that The Bill and Melinda

Gates Foundation are going to double any money

we give to fighting malaria and buying vaccines

Just think about what that means, OK?

We think we're going to raise ?7 million

for this stuff, and if we do, they're going to

If you give ?10 quid ? Bill makes it ?20.

If you give twenty ? Melinda makes it ?40.

So please ? give now ? or at least before the end

And in return we'll do our best to give

And even if you're not enjoying yourself we

Time for a load more guests. Move down. Sit in there. Move down, move

down. Welcome. Please find your seats as

quickly as possible, thank you. Put your bags in the overhead locker.

There you go. I am really a glorified air hostess. We've got so

many people still to come. Hello Gordon, Martine, Lenny! Hey

everybody, how are you? Who just arrived? You are the newbies. We saw

you earlier, Romesh. Jonathan, you were hosting, weren't you? There is

a satellite delay going on. It was a chocolate by just did! You were

hosting earlier? I enjoyed meeting his mum very much, I prefer her to

her son. But you revealed some man on man action, Romesh? My first kiss

was with a bloke, and my mum didn't know that. It was a one-off thing

and the guy didn't call again. I sort of wanted to draw a line under

it to be honest. What did your mother reveal about herself? She

revealed that one might just after she got married she went out with my

dad, they went to a party, she saw my dad talking to another woman, and

in a fit of jealousy she used his toothbrush to clean the entire

house. Without him knowing, obviously otherwise it's not that

good a prank. Cara Delevingne, sits down. You sit down! What if I hit

you from here? Snakes on a plane? Rupert, you are very welcome. This

is his first appearance at Comic Relief synths, I believe, 2009? Yes,

funnily enough, I never thought I'd be invited again. I was in Comic

Relief four, we did this whole thing. The apprentice? The

apprentice, yes. Were you in it, Jonathan? Were you asking me another

question? What was that? Were you in the same apprentice as Rupert? I'd

like to think so. He wasn't. I wasn't, I was with Jack Dee and

various other people. I wasn't even in the one I was in. You walked out.

I did. Is it true you did not know who Alan Sugar was? I hadn't been in

England for ages, I did not have my contact lenses in, and I thought it

was Sid James. Presumably he was dead than. But he did look like him.

Easy mistake to make. Greg and Ricky, you were in this hot tub?

Yes. Are you still damp? I've towelled off. OK, OK. And what was

it like in the hot tub. What was it like, Ricky? It was amazing.

Amazing? I honestly think they could charge up to 15 grand, they could

just do that other thing everyday, go in a hot tub on the roof. It's

lovely up there. The crew were not finding it funny because it is

freezing. It certainly was last night. I wouldn't know. Yes you

would. What did you have to do? I had to interview people in a hot tub

on top of the O2 for no reason. Was there any reason? They just asked if

I wanted to be involved in Comic Relief. They said I would be

interviewing people. Then they told me it was in a hot tub, and I

thought lovely. Then they told me it was on top of the O2. What did you

wear, read key? Talc. He was terminated. It was beautiful, really

nice. Tom Daley made me laugh. He came up and I said the best thing is

to seem like you're confused by what we are doing here. He said, I am

confused by what we're doing here. The good thing was, if you stand

next to Tom Daley you feel fat and ugly. If you stand next to this guy,

you feel great. While, but this harsh. I wasn't going to reveal this

but I will now. I felt terrible. Ricky went underwater and came up

with a mouthful of water and I felt terrible because I had been fighting

like a tractor in there. I had been doing worse. You have a

new film coming out. Yes, the happy Prince, the story of Oscar Wilde at

the end of his life. It is out in about September. Very good. There

are loads of ways to donate, but this year, Comic Relief have come up

with something brilliant. It is called the Comic Relief swearing

jar. In the script, it says it is going to believe my swearing but I

do not trust it. It is a free app which converts your fundraising --

your swearing into fundraising. I swear by it. There are words on a

screen, very far-away, I am reading some of them! Can you read autocue

at the end of the sofa? Yes. I had no idea it was going to be this

long. While we are on the subject of phones, it is time to show our

appreciation to our mobile and tech partners. Here we go. Thank you to

three, Vodafone, virgin Amazon Web services, what the hell is that? Can

you see that, Lenny? B team I donate, PayPal, and world play. And

the thank yous does not stop there. Here is Tim Key at Ryman and Robert

Pires. -- Robert Dyas. I am checking out the hive of

activity. People have been buying novelty pens in their thousands

whilst the teams here have been fundraising their socks off.

Watch out, they bite. Directly in the buttocks. Did you get yours from

Ryman 's or Robert Dyas? I wouldn't know. About Comic Relief? It has

raised millions to improve the lives of the vulnerable here and in

Africa. How long have you been there? Ages. About that business

deal. I'm out. Goodbye, Theo, goodbye Forest Gump. So, for the

magnificent effort from the team and their customers, time to say a great

big thank you. How did you get back here? I live here. Thank you, Cara

Delevingne. Thank you to all the lovely

people at Ryman and That's an extraordinary

amount and thank you to everyone at home for

stocking up on pens. There's still plenty of space

on my sofa so time to Saunders, and Joel Dommett.

Hello. Hello. Reith hello. Hello. There is space. Get in. I will sit

on the floor, Graham. Look at you. I am not sure there is any camera that

can see you. But we know you are here. There you go. He has split up

French and Saunders. Scandal! This is wonderful. When you came on, you

said you had a gift for me. I was given this by someone else to give

to you. I will open it. Is that, by any chance, supposed to be me? I'm

not sure, but I think maybe it is. That is me, isn't it? I look like

the picture of the dog with the picture of the dog and the picture

of the dog. Ladies, well done. Have you come as something? Whoever you

want me to be. You just thought, I will wear that. Lots of people could

not make it so I have come as them. Shias Joan Collins, Gladys Knight,

anyone. Hugh Dennis, do you have a total for me best Jamaat No. I

don't. I can give you a made up number. This is the convoy that you

did. Yes, but I don't have a total for that either. I have a total. You

read the total. I feel bad reading it. You read the screen. If people

did not see what the convoy was... Six of us, me and David the deal,

Katy Brand, Reggie Yates and Russell Kane, driving supplies across Kenya

and Uganda to Comic Relief projects in those countries. And the

documentary was on last night. And it raised this amount of money that

I'm about to read. That is amazing, half ?1 million,

essentially. Joel Dommett, you know Martine McCutcheon. I feel bad that

we have seated you so far apart. Didn't you get on very well when you

were on Loose Women. A bit. Didn't you feel him up? Yes. That is why

they have put her so far-away. Were you in the hot tub? You were in

Innuendo Bingo. Yes, I ripped off my shirt and I regretted that decision.

Are your abdominal muscles new? You keep getting them out. I am very

shy, Graham. You lived in the jungle in your pants for three weeks. I am

very lonely. I just go to the gym because I have nothing better to do.

Dawn and Jennifer are now looking at you like you are meet. I am looking

at his beautiful teeth. Did you buy them? They are all I ain't. Electric

toothbrush, that is what you have to do. Veneers. I brush my teeth for

seven hours a day, but apart from that... One of the reasons we love

Comic Relief is that we are doing this and we have a laugh, and then

suddenly things get very serious. It is easy to forget that Comic Relief

spends millions here in the UK. Domestic violence is one of the

issues we take seriously and any money you give to Knight will be

taking it on. -- tonight. I can't speak for anyone else but I

found that one of the most shocking films we have shown.

People tonight are living in real fear, not far from you.

Please ? if you can spare some cash ? with your help we can

get them out of danger, and into safety.

And the very good news is that HM Government is adding ?3 million

to tonight's pot to help projects supporting vulnerable

This is such a critical issue and your donations

Now, I promised you a sofa full of celebrities,

I do not know where we will put them, but please welcome Sally

Phillips, Fiona Allen and Tamsin Greig. Hello. I don't know where you

are sitting. There isn't really any space. Come

on, budge up. I will perch up here. Oh, look, the cool kids are sitting

on the back of the sofa. We were going to sit on the floor and then

we thought, that's not cool. Ladies and gentlemen, culture alert. Who

has come off a theatre stage? You three. What were you just doing? I

was in Soho at the Wyndham Theatre. Were you really good? I was

excellent. Tamsin, what are you doing? I am in 12th night with Doon

Mackichan. I clown. Did anything happened to Knight, go wrong, did

you forget any lines, did people die? I got a bit confused in act

five but I got through it. There are five acts in it best Jamaat yes, but

they are always very quick. You are at the National Theatre.

Sally Phillips, Fiona Allen, Doon Mackichan, smack the pony returned

earlier. I don't want to stir trouble, but is it 15 years? Was it

like Girls Aloud? Was there group therapy? We actually love each

other, OK, thank you very much. We didn't stop working for years and we

wanted a break, which we have had. 15 years! Three kids each. Was it

nice to get back together? We have been kicking around ideas four-year

is. That is what we do. We have come up with another one, so we just... I

think of Smack The Pony as new comedy and then I hear that you have

not done it for 15 years, which is a long time. Another show that

everyone loved, Greenway. -- green Wing. Would it ever? Never. It is

too difficult to get Olivia Colman and all those other actors. Because

David has got her. David, is the culprit in Broadchurch sitting

somewhere on this so far? -- on this so far. Well, Lenny is looking

guilty. It must be weird, walking around in knowing. I know. I feel

hugely powerful. We have filmed the end of the series, yes. We don't

know while we are filming it. When you are doing an interview, you do

not know if someone is lying. You don't have to do any acting.

Weren't you really sick? He had a pacemaker fitted at the end of

series two. I missed that bit. But you came back and you were fine? So

far, we are only on episode four, don't prejudge it. Ooh. It is the

last series. Does Lenny kills you? It would be terrible if that

actually did happen. We've got to talk Doctor who. Once you are in it

you never leave. That's it. Do you know about this extraordinary

auction price? Yes. What is it? Seven people who have been doctors.

What did you say? Have you been drinking? Seven of us, Sylvester

McCoy, Paul McGann, me, Matt Smith, Peter Capaldi, are all going to have

breakfast with a Doctor Who fan. Can you imagine? Can you imagine. You

can buy a ticket to be at this breakfast. There are two things, an

auction with presumably some nerdy millionairess going to win. With all

the people without millions. For a fiver, less than ?1 per doctor, you

can get a raffle ticket, that's running until May, so you've got

ages, by as many raffle tickets as you like for more chances to win and

one of you gets the chance to have breakfast with us, lucky you. Well

whoever gets it will enjoy it. The breakfast? I hope. Just meeting you

all. They will have some kind of nerd-gasm. We will smother you with

some time continuum. That sounds really wrong. Please keep calling.

We've got Russell Brand joining us shortly. I know.

Across the country you've all been doing your bit to help raise

money for Red Nose Day, and now it's time to

We have an exclusive glimpse into how the stars of BBC

Three's This Country have been getting on.

Comic Relief is such a great cause, and community

I've done a sponsored beard shave, and everyone's doing their bit.

There's fund-raising, right, and then there's

Last Christmas they did a feeding the homeless thing

in the village hall, and there was about 30

people volunteering, there's only one homeless guy

So everyone was just stood round watching Frankie

He was so self-conscious, he couldn't eat anything.

Yeah, and we saw him in the village later, didn't we?

He was in the village, and he was eating a banana

skin out of the bin, and I go, "Frank,

And he was like, "I'm sorry, I'm just so much more

Anyone have any change and don't want to be harsh?

I think it's wonderful that Kerry and Kurtan

are so passionate about Comic Relief.

They can be a little bit overzealous at times, but it's just

about channelling their enthusiasm in the right direction.

Leonard, just bear this in mind, son?

We ain't letting you of this phone box until you give

Of course, some years that channelling is less

successful than others, but this year, I've got them running

an orange squash stall with Michael which I think will be great.

The squash stall isn't going as well as hoped,

because Slugs keeps drinking all the squash.

Firstly, this is just getting completely out of hand, now.

But I've come up with a really good idea.

That's going to raise us loads of money and people

are going to actually really love it.

Is this the place, something about you can punch Slugs?

Yeah, it's ?5 per punch or three for a tenner.

You got to join the back of the queue, though, first.

I think as a man of faith, that ultimately Comic Relief

is a brilliant thing because it brings us all together and I can't

Honesty, you are going to cack your pants when you see how

Look at that, look at how much that is.

This is an extraordinary amount of money.

You made all this from orange squash?

Oh, he's just, he needed a lie down, didn't he, I think?

Wait, which Michael are you talking about?

OK. It is getting busy out here. We're going to have to make room for

some more guests. Please welcome my final batch of friends, Aisling Bea,

Rob Beckett, Russell Brand and Louisa Malin. Hello. Nice to see

you. How lovely to see you, hello. Nice to see you. How are you? Sit

yourself down, very good. Welcome all, this is it. The sofa is full.

What a rabble. So here we go. Have you been here all night? Hours and

hours. I was just here to see Ed Sheeran, is he still hear? He went

after about ten minutes. I've been on the sofa half an hour, no one

noticed me. You are doing the bit after this? That's right, the now

after this we are going to embrace chaos even further. Those noses will

be even redder and I hope for the right reasons. You've been here all

night? I have. Earlier you were wearing a miniskirt? Gold miniskirt,

yes. I thought I'd get changed for you. This lovely thing is falling

quite open, just to warn you. It's quite flappy at the end here. I'll

give ?500 for Comic Relief. It's a code but I really like it as

address, I thought, Comic Relief, why not? Because it's not really

address. It hasn't quite shot at the front. Rob Beckett, lovely to see

you. Nobody told me I was doing this, I've had six pints, I'm in a

bad way. I didn't have dinner. I just want to get through this. That

was a rookie error. Was not informed of my appearance. I thought they had

enough guests. You were wrong. You guys work together now? We work it

boots on the weekend, yes. We also do eight out of ten Cats. We are not

allowed to mention brands. We work for all chemists across the UK.

Lloyds, Superdrug. That's the big three. It's the end of the night.

How do we climaxed the show? How do we find a peak for the sofa? I don't

think I'm the peak. You really are. Rob Beckett, Cara Delevingne earlier

did a beautiful thing with a bottle. What did she do with a bottle? You

can watch it on my player. You have a special skill with a banana? Which

skill, because one of them I can't do on telly. There's another one I

can. I was hoping for the one involving your feet. Oh yes, I can.

I used to work at a flower market. I can peel a banana with my feet. Yay,

let's see it. This is the grading, isn't it? Do you know what's really

degrading, being live on telly, absolute silence as you take your

shoes and socks off. You shouldn't have a jumper, jacket, and your

shoes and socks off. Just shove the table out of the way. I never

thought Doctor Who would move the table so I could peel a banana. Here

we go. Oh my God. It's like planet Earth. My feet are a bit sweaty.

You're there. Ooh, there it is! Yes! Yay! I was going to pass it to

Rambo, he could have done a split with it. Was that the peak? Russell,

who will be on in the next hour? Spencer Jones, is absolutely

fantastic, a trio, it's going to be insane. Jade Adams.

I don't know how we will top a man peeling fruit. Get a pineapple, I

appeal it. What? Can you really? I'd be delighted if you could. I can

check if it's right. Leave it. It's not ready yet. Charities, helping

charities, if that doesn't warm your cockles, I don't know what will.

We sent Blake Harrison down to Oxfam to say a massive thank

you and to annoy the hell out of Margaret.

Oxfam have sold red noses from when it all started and this year is no

different except now they are selling ten different varieties of

them. Looking good, Margaret. We need you to go out back to get some

more red noses. I didn't think I'd be working very hard, thought I

could hang round the front and do some selfies. No, yeah, I'll go to

the back. Margaret. Well this is an impressive storeroom. Bit empty,

though. At least here there are no old ladies giving orders, no little

gadgets from those falls in Cuba on. Q Branch? Not been to that shop,

yet. But any more of these? They are Margaret's favourite. So what's

yours? I don't really have one. Name it. OK, I guess this one is pretty

good. Let me show you something. Your story manager is a bit intense,

isn't he? About that great big thank you, ready, everyone? Thank you.

Coming up soon - if I'm satisfied with the amount

of money raised - the alarming Ed Sheeran

But time now for a gorgeous little film from Russell Howard.

Comic Relief and Germany have been fighting malaria for years. You have

saved millions of lives. Remember that ?10 buys four life-saving

malaria nets, that's four people. Get your phone and computer out. If

you want to stop malaria in your tracks, give what you can.

With your help, the number of people dying from malaria each year has

been dramatically reduced. Malaria is still one of the biggest killers

of children under five. Even though it is preventable and treatable.

This is the children's ward in one of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most

of the children here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so

consuming, there aren't enough beds to go round. This little girl is

just 13 months old. She laughs, cries, and like many children of her

age, she's learned to walk. Her mother Mary is desperately poor.

There aren't any malaria testing kits in her village. So she's had no

choice but to walk for three hours carrying her daughter to the nearest

hospital. All the time her little girl's blood was being destroyed by

malarial parasites. She is now very, very sick. Doctor Columbo is doing

everything he can to save her. But suddenly she stops breathing.

If only she had been diagnosed even a day earlier she might not now be

fighting for her life. Children like this don't have to die

this way. A rapid malaria test costs 30p. Just 30p. ?30 you give will pay

for 100 children to be diagnosed. That is a really tough, tough film.

We make no apologies because every phone call, donation, text message

will buy nets that will save lives. To give ?10, text in.

Now we have one of the greatest living female singers.

And while she sings, we'll show you some of the happiness your

Ladies and gents - the incredible Emeli Sande.

# I'm talking 'bout the forever, baby

# And we've run out of all the silver and gold

# Will you still wanna be my someone to hold?

# I'm talking 'bout the forever, baby

I'm certain that there's no other

# It's banging in my heart like thunder

# I know I was made to love you

Thank you to so much to the wonderful Emeli Sande.

It's getting late, but there's still loads of ways you can donate.

All you need to do is call 03457 910 910.

Thank you so much for giving - and thank you so much

to all my amazing guests who haven't moaned once about being squished

But before I hand things over to the lanky louche loqacious legend

that is Russell Brand for an hour of the best live comedy the country

has to offer, let's have a look at how much money we've raised

It is 69,000,337 and ?12! That makes it all worthwhile, wow.

What an amazing amount of money, thank you, everyone.

And that isn't even the total couple. All the fund-raising events

across the nation still have to be counted, so that is just the

beginning. We are going to make millions more.

But sadly, I don't think we have made enough money

to show the Kurupt FM video? ahhh, what a shame? I'm only

With their debut collaboration, it's Kurupt FM and Ed Sheeran?With

With their debut collaboration, it's Kurupt FM and Ed Sheeran,

with possibly the best music video

It's all going to be very tasteful and actually really sexy, OK?

Now, I've only rented this place for an hour,

Come on, Ed, mate. Trying to do a shoot here.

Yeah, it's not all about you, Ed. Jesus Christ.

# We could change this whole world with a piano.

# Grab a bass, some guitar, add a beat.

# I'm just a boy with a one-man show.

# Everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth.

# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios.

# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

Let's take it to Africa! song that I wrote...

Some of them are like, some of them are like hey

And check out the stars on my rogue MC

This ain't apartheid, it's a party some of them are like hey

My little kiddy flight, you can tell I'm nonstop

What's that in the sky, it's a helicopter

Dropping off vinyls, merch and caps

But first of all you need electricity

Don't worry, I'm on the case Cos here he comes on the escalator

It's a generator from Brentford to Africa.

# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon

And I hold the microphone like a lyrical gun.

# Daddy told me son, don't you get involved

And when I'm on the mic I'm lyrically cold.

# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon

And I hold the microphone like a lyrical gun.

# Daddy told me son, don't you get involved.

Cos when I'm on the mic, I'm lyrically pure, Kuruption!

Some of them are like, some of them are like hey

And check out the stars on my rogue MC

This ain't apartheid, it's a party some of them are like hey

All the ladies, all the girls Come help me and feed the world

Help me teach the females how to wind

Listen to the rhyme and wind and deliver

Don't be sad cos you ain't had your dinner

Just turn up the bass and raise your gun finger

Killing killing them, dressed like a militant

Owning the mic on the back of an elephant

Listen to the UK G message we spread

On the Kurupt FM, the rest are irrelevant

I wanna be president So all of the people can represent

Turn your water into champers And tell you it's original skankers

I'm a lyrical panther I'm in a pet now pamper

Turn your water into champers

And tell you it's original skankers...

I mean, this is offensive, this is offensive.

Eddie, we've still got the spear throwing scene.

I'm a lyrical panther I'm in a pet now pamper

And tell you it's original skankers...

So when this camera switches off, that's not the end of it for me.

I'm going to make sure I dig in my pocket and help out some

of the people I've met and put roofs over people's heads,

And I hope by you watching this, your connection with it doesn't end

If you could donate one quid, two quid, five quid, ten quid,

20 quid, even 100 quid, anything will make a difference

to put kids like this all over the world into school

Anything you can give will make a real

Please call 03457 910 910, or go to BBC.co.uk/RedNoseDay.

Well done, well done! That is fabulous!

I'm afraid my sofa is finally full, and that means

we've almost reached the end of my Big Chat Live.

I need to say a big thank you to all my guests.

And thank you to everyone at home for watching

But the evening isn't over yet, there is still so much

great stuff to come, including Russell Brand and his Stand Off,

featuring some of the best live talent in the

country, and Fantastic Beats and Where to Find

Them ? our incredible look back at the funniest

music moments in Comic Relief history.

So, don't go anywhere, they're coming up shortly.

And, in case you missed it earlier, it's time to revisit James

Corden and Take That for a Red Nose Day Carpool

I thought we were going to drive around, have some fun.

I don't care if he's asleep, go and wake him up!

Take That, Carpool Karaoke for Comic Relief.

# I don't know what you're waiting for

# Your time is coming, don't be late, hey, hey

# So, come on, see the light on your face

# Let it shine, just let it shi-i-ine.

This is the first time I've spent any real time with you as a three.

I figured out that if I leave, I think Gary and Mark

I think if you leave, Howard, it's Robson and Jerome.

to be here now in this car is unreal for me.

# Today this could be the greatest day of our lives...

# And the world comes alive, oh, oh, oh

# Watch the world come alive tonight

How has touring changed now compared to what it was like in the '90s?

I don't know what it's like for you guys, but sometimes,

You've got families, you've got a home life.

We're meeting people before you go on.

Sometimes, I can't wait to get on there for a bit of peace.

Because it's two hours when no one...

It's two hours where I put my ears in and it's just me,

my brothers and the audience, and it's brilliant.

I almost don't want to come off, because I know I'm going back

They're the same people, but they're all older.

So where they used to throw bras and underwear, now,

Well, it used to be teddies we used to get thrown.

Do you have a creche, a Take That creche?

That would be a real moneyspinner, I think.

Everything Changes During The Menopause.

# As I looked away, I saw a face behind you

# And when I looked again, I saw his face was shining

I thought of a quiz that you could play.

So you pick one or leave one, which of the two?

When was the last time you had a full English?

The problem with me is, if I start eating food like that,

I keep this photo of you, Howard, in the car at all times.

I keep it in the car at all times, just for me.

I'd have lights on, though, with that body, wouldn't you?

With that body, my lights would be on all the time.

# As hot as the sun, as hard as a stone.

# As hot as the sun, as hard as a stone

Howard's dreads, or Gary's bleached hair?

I stayed at his mansion, like Disneyland.

And because I was staying there and I had my dreadlocks, he put

# Never forget where you're coming from

# Someday soon, this will all be someone else's dream