Russell Brand's Stand Off Comic Relief


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS


Russell Brand's Stand Off

Russell Brand comperes more live comedy as he welcomes seven of the hottest stand-up acts in the UK to the Comic Relief stage to keep the donations rolling in.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to Russell Brand's Stand Off. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

I'm back on television after a crazy year. We're going to make this last

:00:00.:00:34.

hour crazy, is that right? You are incredibly enthusiastic, as I make

:00:35.:00:40.

my way back into the mainstream, getting back into your affections

:00:41.:00:45.

after bringing down the government. I'm going to find my way back into

:00:46.:00:49.

all of your hearts. I have been trying to keep it mellow. The first

:00:50.:00:55.

thing that happened to me... Has the mic been pulled already?! Thank God!

:00:56.:01:01.

I thought from the very first seconds, I had been cast off the

:01:02.:01:07.

airwaves! They sat me down to a man peeling a banana with his feet, and

:01:08.:01:10.

a woman wearing a coat with no knickers. How are we meant to keep

:01:11.:01:16.

this together?! Chaos could be unleashed at any moment!

:01:17.:01:18.

Over the next hour, we'll be entertaining you with the finest

:01:19.:01:21.

Surrounding me now in the rip-off of Jools Holland' situation, let's face

:01:22.:01:39.

it, we have... Just hear, and my excitement is building for this, we

:01:40.:01:42.

have the Brett Domino Trio! And over here, we are very

:01:43.:01:52.

lucky to be joined by You're probably wondering why

:01:53.:01:54.

everyone's applauding The real Nish Kumar is rushing to

:01:55.:02:25.

London to be here. These are crazy days, be careful. And amidst this

:02:26.:02:34.

mayhem, I will be trying to seduce you into giving a little cash for

:02:35.:02:38.

the job of saving actual lives. But, to get things started, please

:02:39.:02:42.

welcome our first act tonight. Let me just say something to Twitter

:02:43.:02:57.

before I start. Number one, I'm on the large side, it wasn't a mistake.

:02:58.:03:02.

Number two, I look ridiculous, also not a mistake. Number three, they

:03:03.:03:07.

say you are what you eat, but I do not remember eating a goddess. As

:03:08.:03:15.

performers, we cover every year to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Last

:03:16.:03:18.

year, I travelled on something called a megabucks gold, heard of

:03:19.:03:22.

it? For those of you with disposable incomes, I will explain what it is.

:03:23.:03:26.

It's like the Orient express except that everyone carries their stuff in

:03:27.:03:31.

bin bags and you might get fingered on it. When I was booking this, I

:03:32.:03:34.

thought to myself that I would be travelling up the motorway in a

:03:35.:03:37.

four-poster bed, but it was more like a coffin with curtains of a

:03:38.:03:41.

mass grave of bankers. There were some other people on the Megabus

:03:42.:03:47.

gold. There were these four lads. Let's not call them lads. There were

:03:48.:03:52.

these four fucks. And when we were trying to get some sleep at 2am,

:03:53.:03:57.

they decided to make noise on their iPhones. Have you heard that noise

:03:58.:04:00.

without the headphones? The music is never any fucking good. Sorry for

:04:01.:04:06.

swearing, mum. They were making a noise not dissimilar to this. Ready?

:04:07.:04:14.

Had enough yet? Thanks. Another white person beatboxing on the BBC.

:04:15.:04:27.

It has never happened before. On the other side of the Megabus gold, we

:04:28.:04:30.

have some other people, let's call them British people. They didn't

:04:31.:04:33.

like what they were doing, so instead of doing something about it,

:04:34.:04:37.

they were making a noise that I find infinitely more annoying than that.

:04:38.:04:38.

Get a load of this noise. And I was losing my fucking mind in

:04:39.:04:52.

the middle. So I decided as the voice of the people, as they call me

:04:53.:04:57.

in my hometown of Japan, I would do something. I got out of the sanitary

:04:58.:05:02.

towel they gave me to sleep on and in this re-enactment, you are going

:05:03.:05:05.

to play the four fucks. Wake up. Have you had a lot to drink? I went

:05:06.:05:14.

over to the fucks, I am swearing a lot, it's just nerves. I went to

:05:15.:05:18.

them and said, hi, boys, is it quite all right on this journey if we

:05:19.:05:22.

could turn off our mobile phones? Like many people who have read the

:05:23.:05:25.

Guardian before me, I thought my patronising tone would work on these

:05:26.:05:29.

youths. But they turned round to me and you know what they said? No,

:05:30.:05:38.

fuck off, you fat bitch. Normally, I have heard it said before. I stand

:05:39.:05:42.

with the perpetrator on the street and I make them feel ashamed and

:05:43.:05:47.

upset about whatever led them to this behaviour. I didn't have time

:05:48.:05:52.

for that, I was on the Megabus Gold. Instead, I remembered that I had a

:05:53.:05:56.

suitcase full of props and costumes and other things. But I had

:05:57.:05:58.

something else that I got the previous Christmas, something you

:05:59.:06:02.

might have had before to help in such a situation. And that is a

:06:03.:06:06.

battery-powered boom box. And I thought to myself, if these four

:06:07.:06:12.

fucks were going to play their music, then I was going to play my

:06:13.:06:13.

music. Can I have my track, please? That's quite low, I don't have

:06:14.:06:34.

testicles, so that is quite impressive.

:06:35.:06:52.

# Nella tua fredda stanza guardi le stelle

:06:53.:06:55.

# Che tremano d'amore e di speranza...

:06:56.:07:01.

# Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me, il nome mio nessun sapra!

:07:02.:07:42.

The rest of the bus loved it all stopped I thought I was going to be

:07:43.:07:56.

a viral superstar. That is Italian for silence.

:07:57.:08:17.

CHEERING. What actually happened was that I missed my stop and ended up

:08:18.:09:23.

in Glasgow. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much!

:09:24.:09:31.

That was the brilliant Jayde Adams, who I'll be

:09:32.:09:33.

Bringing opera and using her vagina to modulate her voice. What could be

:09:34.:09:45.

more entertaining? Weaver share how she did that with you. Keep

:09:46.:09:48.

donating. Let's keep the Momentum going. Let's transcend to another

:09:49.:09:53.

dimension. Please welcome Spencer

:09:54.:09:56.

Jones as The Herbert! # She's got me working

:09:57.:10:28.

all my days, days, days, days. # She's got me working

:10:29.:11:22.

all my days, days, days, days. "What Is he?" Thank you, good night,

:11:23.:12:04.

thank you. "He Was a bit short, wasn't he?"

:12:05.:12:21.

That is permanent marker. Can we go swimming, dad? Not for a couple of

:12:22.:12:34.

weeks. # I like to clean the floor.

:12:35.:13:22.

# Dirty floor. # I've been a dirty floor.

:13:23.:13:28.

# Yeah, you have. # I need cleaning.

:13:29.:13:32.

# Yeah, you do. # What you've gone a cleanly with?

:13:33.:13:34.

# With my mouth! Evil penis. What you scheming, evil

:13:35.:14:12.

penis? Oh, nothing. It's over there. It's coming! I've run out of stuff.

:14:13.:14:28.

Can I use that? You know, the old... All right, mate? That's going.

:14:29.:14:40.

That's got to go. That's got to stay. It's the floor.

:14:41.:14:56.

Thank you very much, have a lovely evening!

:14:57.:15:14.

Erotic and profound and unusual, what a peculiar man, somehow

:15:15.:15:18.

summarising everything that is great about this country in one wonderful

:15:19.:15:21.

moment. It is great to be reminded that Britain is a wonderful place

:15:22.:15:26.

full of love, peculiarity, oddity and an evil penis that it seemed to

:15:27.:15:30.

redeem itself over the course of the narrative. This is one of those

:15:31.:15:34.

moments in Comic Relief that we love and embrace and accept, where we

:15:35.:15:39.

have to move from an amusing, crazy moment like that to the serious

:15:40.:15:41.

function of the evening. film I need you all

:15:42.:15:48.

to pay attention to. The greatest killer of young men

:15:49.:15:52.

under 35 in this country is suicide. And our job ? and the thing

:15:53.:15:55.

your money can do - is try to head that despair off

:15:56.:15:59.

at the pass. is an actual transcript of an actual

:16:00.:16:02.

typed conversation on a website that that is there when no-one

:16:03.:16:06.

else is there to help. That young man survived

:16:07.:16:11.

because of money you gave. I do think it's an incredible thing

:16:12.:18:49.

we're involved in here. You don't know who is being affected

:18:50.:19:06.

by these things, but we do know that if we make a donation tonight, these

:19:07.:19:10.

are the kind of things we are supporting. I think that has

:19:11.:19:14.

demonstrated very clearly what we are doing. I have to make a radical

:19:15.:19:17.

change of direction now. I'm surrounded by young

:19:18.:19:20.

comedians just being funny. But in the middle of it,

:19:21.:19:21.

if you just find one minute to go online, text,

:19:22.:19:25.

ring ? some person you don't know will suddenly have a lifeline

:19:26.:19:28.

when there is no other lifeline. So, here we are, being ridiculous,

:19:29.:19:36.

there's people here using their genitals for our amusement, but

:19:37.:19:38.

also, we're raising money. Or you can go to

:19:39.:19:43.

bbc.co.uk/rednoseday And look - if you're watching right

:19:44.:19:58.

now and feeling life is just too hard but you can't face telling

:19:59.:20:02.

those you love, then organisations like Calm supported by Comic Relief

:20:03.:20:08.

could be really helpful. By picking up the phone or sitting

:20:09.:20:11.

at a laptop and chatting online, you can talk to someone in total

:20:12.:20:14.

confidence who can help you. Now that we have done that, we have

:20:15.:20:24.

been sincere and serious, we can elegantly move to the is

:20:25.:20:28.

extraordinary people. You have dashed here, haven't you?

:20:29.:20:33.

Temporarily, you were replaced by a cardboard cutout. You missed that

:20:34.:20:40.

lovely moment, and you used your vagina to reach some high notes? I

:20:41.:20:47.

did. I must say, to see someone using their vagina so artfully was a

:20:48.:20:53.

joy for me. I agree! You're a man that lives very much on the edge. I

:20:54.:20:59.

thought I was going to die, I had to get a motorbike taxi here! It would

:21:00.:21:05.

have been unfortunate this evening to have had to announce your death,

:21:06.:21:10.

but we would have found a way around it. Let's face it, that is what we

:21:11.:21:14.

do here, we embrace the tragic but also the beautiful and the joyful.

:21:15.:21:18.

Would you say that is true? I would say so. You feel more relaxed now

:21:19.:21:23.

you have formed, don't you? I am well chilled. And what about you,

:21:24.:21:28.

you have come through the London streets on a motorbike? I have never

:21:29.:21:34.

felt more composed in my god damn life! Is really composed! How about

:21:35.:21:40.

you fellas, are you feeling all right this evening? Evidently. You

:21:41.:21:45.

are Daphne collectively, but you have individual lives as well, I

:21:46.:21:50.

assume? Not really, not me. You have just immersed yourself totally into

:21:51.:21:57.

Daphne? Yes. You don't think these guys are milking you, exploiting

:21:58.:22:03.

you? No, they've got important work to do, I just carry the bags. That's

:22:04.:22:08.

the kind of compassion Comic Relief is built on. If you can extend some

:22:09.:22:12.

of that Russian this evening, and compassion, this young man being a

:22:13.:22:19.

butler to his associates. And Nish has come here on a motorbike. Amat

:22:20.:22:23.

relief is just about the best thing we have got in this country, isn't

:22:24.:22:29.

it? We come here under the symbol of this red nose to find love and joy.

:22:30.:22:34.

I agree. I think we have taken everything we can from this

:22:35.:22:37.

conversation. I think future generations... Possibly extra

:22:38.:22:43.

terrestrial alien nations from the future will transcribe this, and let

:22:44.:22:47.

this be the Bible. Daphne, we'll be seeing you later. Without further

:22:48.:22:52.

ado, follow me over here. We have got some exciting information for

:22:53.:23:00.

you. These young men, they call themselves the Brett Domino Trio,

:23:01.:23:02.

but mathematically, they are at odds with reality. Please welcome the

:23:03.:23:03.

Brett Domino Trio! Welcome them! # I am boombastic... Thanks very

:23:04.:24:20.

much! That was us. I don't know how much of that you heard. I estimate

:24:21.:24:29.

about 10%. But believe me, it was all there. Me and Steve here, we

:24:30.:24:36.

heard it all. That was Shaggy, Boombastic. Anybody recognise that

:24:37.:24:52.

sample? It was an exciting time to be a television gardener. That was

:24:53.:24:56.

Alan Titchmarsh am I who did that. Lads, I have come here under

:24:57.:25:01.

considerable duress to complete your Treo, momentarily, but also to tell

:25:02.:25:04.

you that due to technical problems, we need you to start again. Don't be

:25:05.:25:10.

downhearted, particularly not you, you look like a young man who lives

:25:11.:25:14.

on the edge. Can you consider that? We're just going to pretend that

:25:15.:25:17.

nothing happened. In a way, nothing has happened. In a way. You just

:25:18.:25:26.

crack on, refresh yourselves just in they're going to provide such

:25:27.:25:28.

enthusiasm that it be difficult for you to...

:25:29.:25:38.

APPLAUSE I'm not sure how this works,

:25:39.:25:41.

television-wise. But we're going to do it. Just going to get it... This

:25:42.:25:53.

is us. Thank you! It was an exciting... Just attend that didn't

:25:54.:26:03.

happen. We'll just keep pretending things don't happen until something

:26:04.:26:09.

actually happens. Comic Relief was meant to be more crazy and mental

:26:10.:26:14.

this year, we've obviously overcompensated, it's gone too far,

:26:15.:26:16.

we've allowed the forces of chaos in, and your Treo has suffered. But

:26:17.:26:22.

you've got it in you to make this live. Don't recoil from me,

:26:23.:26:30.

sunshine, I know Judy -- I know jujitsu, I can hold you down, I can

:26:31.:26:36.

open every orifice in your body! These are the kind of moments that

:26:37.:26:39.

go viral. Let's do this thing! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for

:26:40.:26:42.

the Brett Domino Trio! # Mr lover, lover, ooh

:26:43.:27:13.

# Smooth, soft and cuddly like a quilt

:27:14.:27:16.

# I'm in the recall lover with my sexual physique

:27:17.:27:25.

# Can't you tell, I'm just like a turtle coming out of a shall

:27:26.:27:31.

# I love your sweet smell and you're the only younger who can ring my

:27:32.:27:37.

bell # They call me Mr Boombastic,

:27:38.:27:45.

fantastic # That's it, thanks very much. Thank

:27:46.:27:57.

you! Make them do it once more! No! That's enough! That shows what

:27:58.:28:03.

endurance and persistence can achieve. Well done, lads, fantastic

:28:04.:28:08.

stuff just in a minute, we're going to be seeing some fantastic acts.

:28:09.:28:13.

Now, Specsavers has become involved in this operation, and these glasses

:28:14.:28:18.

represent I think that connection between us and Specsavers. But I'm

:28:19.:28:23.

suspicious of this item. Specsavers have been busy selling

:28:24.:28:50.

these amazing glasses to give all of us a good laugh. Whilst I am here,

:28:51.:28:56.

can make it a quick eye test? Of course. Wait, that's the wrong room.

:28:57.:29:06.

Oh, I really do need an eye test. This is end of the. It's our loading

:29:07.:29:15.

programme. We can load anything from loading equipment... Grant at what I

:29:16.:29:18.

need is an eye test. I'm supposed to be filming for Comic Relief. This is

:29:19.:29:24.

the world that you know. Aren't they brilliant? So what is the point of

:29:25.:29:31.

this room again? To change a human being into this. OK, actually

:29:32.:29:37.

freaking me out a little bit now, I think I'm done ago. Right, back to

:29:38.:29:42.

reality. Ready, everyone? One, two, three... Thank you!

:29:43.:29:53.

Thanks to Specsavers and everybody who works there for their

:29:54.:29:58.

contribution, and to everybody who has bought these glasses, thank you

:29:59.:30:01.

very much. Now, you will be astonished to learn that the Brett

:30:02.:30:14.

Domino trio have not actually finish to their act! That contribution from

:30:15.:30:20.

Specsavers of more than ?600, that seems like an incredible figure.

:30:21.:30:26.

Let's go back to the Brett Domino Trio now, and I promise you that

:30:27.:30:33.

we're not going to young men until they are carried out shoulder high.

:30:34.:30:38.

Please keep your attention strained upon the Brett Domino Trio!

:30:39.:30:47.

It's been a tough old night for everybody.

:30:48.:30:57.

Hi, we are the Brett Domino Trio. Did that go out on telly twice, or

:30:58.:31:04.

was it just for you guys? I apologise to everyone at home if

:31:05.:31:08.

they had to sit through that twice, once instrumental and once with my

:31:09.:31:12.

vocals. It was essentially the same song. You got the gist of it anyway.

:31:13.:31:16.

You have heard it twice now, and that is good. We deliberately played

:31:17.:31:22.

half of it, because we were aware we had a short set time. We are still

:31:23.:31:26.

aware that we have only got five minutes on the clock, so we are

:31:27.:31:29.

going to crack on and keep this as punchy as we can. You having a good

:31:30.:31:39.

time? Lovely stuff. Sorry, the visuals have gone wrong here. They

:31:40.:31:43.

shouldn't be this garden behind us, but it's there, so enjoy it. On my

:31:44.:31:48.

right is the drummer of the band, Stephen. That's enough, we have to

:31:49.:31:55.

keep it brief, Steve. My name is Brett Domino. I played a keytar. We

:31:56.:32:04.

are going to play a song and keep it brief. It is a classical piece of

:32:05.:32:09.

music you will all recognise, originally instrumental. I have

:32:10.:32:12.

written some lyrics to it. It's a love song. Sing along if you know

:32:13.:32:16.

the words. # You, you're the one for me.

:32:17.:32:51.

# My knees go weak when you're near. # I fear for my heart and brain.

:32:52.:32:59.

# Never make me cry, baby. # I just want your love, and I will

:33:00.:33:06.

give all my love back to you. # Baby, if you're down, you can be

:33:07.:33:12.

my sunshine right through the clouds.

:33:13.:33:18.

# When I see you, my heart goes... # And when I'm with you, I feel like

:33:19.:33:27.

ba ba ba dap ba. OK, everybody. Everybody!

:33:28.:33:52.

# You, you're the one for me. # My knees go weak.

:33:53.:34:01.

# When you're near, and I feel my heart, my brain.

:34:02.:34:07.

# If you ever pass me by... You all know the words.

:34:08.:34:14.

# I just want your love, and I will give all my love back to you.

:34:15.:34:23.

# Baby, you can be my sunshine right through the clouds.

:34:24.:34:26.

# When I'm with you, my heart goes...

:34:27.:34:31.

# And when I'm with you, I feel like ba ba ba dap ba.

:34:32.:34:37.

# Girl, you're the one, just say you'll be mine. Thanks very much.

:34:38.:34:40.

Good night. That was the Brett Domino Trio, in

:34:41.:34:51.

instalments, and they still triumphed. That is what this night

:34:52.:34:55.

of chaos and Comic Relief is about. Well done, lads. They endured, those

:34:56.:35:01.

young people. Let's move on. Remember to keep donating. I would

:35:02.:35:06.

say this is incredible entertainment. Yeah, it's awesome.

:35:07.:35:14.

It's sick. A young person's contribution. I am excited about

:35:15.:35:17.

this act over here. Let's introduce her politely. We will allow her to

:35:18.:35:23.

do her entire act and then applaud and appreciate her, not constantly

:35:24.:35:30.

ransack her. Please welcome, for the entirety of her act, the fantastic

:35:31.:35:32.

Lou Sanders, everyone! Thanks, guys! Nest to be here. My

:35:33.:35:44.

nephews did a fundraiser for Comic Relief this week, and they had to do

:35:45.:35:48.

short stories in assembly. So I wrote them a story to take in. I

:35:49.:35:50.

bought with me. This is a murder mystery ? it's

:35:51.:35:55.

like a short whodunnit. Actually, I wasn't that

:35:56.:35:58.

academic at school, but I've Even now, I'm always asking

:35:59.:36:07.

life's big questions ? like the other day I was thinking,

:36:08.:36:17.

what if, all this If you were shaggy's wife, you would

:36:18.:36:29.

have a few trust issues. I read a statistic the other day.

:36:30.:36:33.

That's outrageous, cos I have not received a penny.

:36:34.:36:48.

We're all weirdos, really, and I think there's too

:36:49.:36:52.

I was in a car park the other day and a woman

:36:53.:36:58.

was breastfeeding her baby, but you could tell she

:36:59.:37:00.

Which made me really sad and thought "How can I help here?"

:37:01.:37:09.

So I stood next to her and I breastfed my flatmate, Darren.

:37:10.:37:14.

I'm happy, she's happy, Darren's happy.

:37:15.:37:21.

My boyfriend is not happy. No, I haven't got a boyfriend because I'm

:37:22.:37:28.

too busy writing Oscar Pistorius stories.

:37:29.:37:28.

I was thinking the other day about my ex-boyfriends

:37:29.:37:31.

and what they all have in common and I think it's that, well, one,

:37:32.:37:35.

Oh, that reminds me, I should tell you my fave STD joke.

:37:36.:37:42.

This is the one my mum said not to do.

:37:43.:37:52.

I heard on the radio the other day that STDs were spreading.

:37:53.:37:55.

I thought, "You're telling me, it's spread all the way

:37:56.:37:58.

Thank you. Yes, do donate. I'm going to leave you all with some tips.

:37:59.:38:12.

I usually have a little jingle here, but I guess I'll

:38:13.:38:15.

So why not sellotape a Twix to your bits?

:38:16.:38:27.

I said that was for the guys, but there is a little sugar for mum as

:38:28.:38:41.

well. That's right, guys, I'm a vegan

:38:42.:38:42.

and I've only just mentioned it. Take back what you know

:38:43.:38:55.

about my people, I guess. OK, last tip ? this will get you out

:38:56.:39:06.

of any sort of trouble at all. I cycled into someone's car

:39:07.:39:09.

and he was like "Blah, blah, blah", but it's OK as I had this

:39:10.:39:12.

up my sleeve. So, any trouble

:39:13.:39:15.

you're in ? use this. That bit's optional,

:39:16.:39:17.

but it's a nice touch. Then you say "I don't think

:39:18.:39:22.

this is about me, is it? I am going to end on one joke. Get

:39:23.:39:42.

ready. What's the difference between me and a doctor? I've never seen a

:39:43.:39:45.

flaccid penis. Thank you so much. On the outskirts of Nairobi,

:39:46.:39:55.

there's a quarry. People come here every day

:39:56.:40:16.

to chip rocks by hand, but surprisingly, many

:40:17.:40:18.

here are families. For Mildred, this is

:40:19.:40:31.

the only way she can earn Mildred can't afford

:40:32.:40:39.

a moment of rest. Even when she's feeding

:40:40.:41:15.

her baby, she has But this is no guarantee

:41:16.:41:17.

that she'll earn enough Today, they haven't earned enough,

:41:18.:41:36.

so tonight this family As her little boy grows up,

:41:37.:41:51.

all he has to look forward He'll be given a hammer to chip

:41:52.:41:58.

rocks, just like his sister. As a mum, imagine knowing

:41:59.:42:06.

that is your children's only future. Unless you can give

:42:07.:42:11.

some money tonight. With your cash, we can set

:42:12.:42:20.

mums like Mildred up with their own business so she can

:42:21.:42:23.

be the mum she wants to be, and send her kids to school

:42:24.:42:27.

so that all of them can Bloody hell, we have to donate on

:42:28.:42:30.

the basis of Mildred's plight. But at least you can make a

:42:31.:43:11.

donation. A quid or two would really make an impact. As a new father

:43:12.:43:16.

myself, to see the sensitivity and vulnerability of that baby, I worry

:43:17.:43:21.

about my kid just while I am talking, and there was a woman

:43:22.:43:24.

working in a quarry and breast-feeding. This is why we do

:43:25.:43:28.

Comic Relief, so that when we are impacted by these feelings, we can

:43:29.:43:35.

make a difference. Not forget that I am in this room with the whole Jools

:43:36.:43:39.

Holland rip-off going on. I have now got a redirect your sad energy, once

:43:40.:43:44.

you have made that donation to the charity that supports Mildred and

:43:45.:43:47.

people in that situation set up a business, I would like you now to

:43:48.:43:52.

focus on being almost mindlessly enthusiastic. Could you manage that,

:43:53.:43:59.

you people? We have still got some fantastic comedy coming up,

:44:00.:44:04.

including Nish Kumar. But before that, please welcome the fantastic

:44:05.:44:05.

Daphne! Hello, everybody, we are Daphne,

:44:06.:44:14.

the UK's most racially I'm Jason Forbes and

:44:15.:44:16.

I am a British-born I'm Phil Wang and I am

:44:17.:44:20.

an Anglo-Franco-Chinese Malaysian. It's

:44:21.:44:30.

gonna be fucking great! I think you ought to mind your

:44:31.:44:45.

language, don't you? What the boobs are you

:44:46.:44:52.

talking about, Jason? Isn't your Jamaican

:44:53.:44:54.

Auntie Mary here...? Who's that coming

:44:55.:44:57.

down the garden path? What a way 'im favour

:44:58.:45:04.

'im fadda, don't? Philip, what you doin'

:45:05.:45:29.

wid you life now? No, Aunty Mary, I'm doing comedy

:45:30.:45:33.

for a well-known charity. when George appeared just then

:45:34.:45:37.

as Jamaican Auntie Mary instead of the actually

:45:38.:45:46.

Jamaican Jason Forbes, that is what is known

:45:47.:45:48.

in the sketch-mongering industry Now, as you probably know,

:45:49.:45:50.

a "pull back and reveal" is where you get to the end

:45:51.:45:56.

of a sketch and realise in retrospect that the situation

:45:57.:45:59.

is different to how it appeared This sketch we'll be doing for you,

:46:00.:46:01.

ladies and gentlemen, It's what I always get

:46:02.:46:16.

when I come in here! Sorry, sir, we don't

:46:17.:46:43.

do free coffee. Oh, so you're that

:46:44.:46:45.

dickhead waiter everyone's been banging on about,

:46:46.:46:46.

Mr Crabjaw? That's what everyone calls

:46:47.:46:48.

you behind your back. Sorry, we've got a table booked

:46:49.:46:52.

for 7.30 under the name of Potts. Well,

:46:53.:46:57.

I don't remember mentioning Oh, I'll have a lovely

:46:58.:47:01.

big glass of Sauvignon. I actually run my own independent

:47:02.:47:07.

comic book store... Yeah, yeah, I remember

:47:08.:47:24.

it was something stupid like that. Sorry ? what part of "I'll kill you"

:47:25.:47:26.

don't you understand? That's cos you've

:47:27.:47:35.

been fannying about. Can we just have

:47:36.:47:38.

a couple more min... I'll have the chicken

:47:39.:47:46.

followed by the duck followed by the lamb and a glass

:47:47.:47:49.

of tap water! In which case, let's

:47:50.:47:51.

just get the bill. One glass of tap water and I've also

:47:52.:47:55.

brought you some hurshtah Hurshtah ? it's a traditional

:47:56.:48:08.

Moroccan delicacy. I'm going to be sick! What are you

:48:09.:48:12.

going to give me next? Daphne their effort effortlessly

:48:13.:49:10.

giving us tradition and comedy. Nish Kumar has made an impact on me, I

:49:11.:49:14.

want you to welcome him with every last bit of enthusiasm that you

:49:15.:49:17.

have, reach down into your essence and give warmth and love to Nish

:49:18.:49:28.

Kumar! He's there! I made it! Thank God! Good evening, ladies and

:49:29.:49:33.

gentlemen, my name is Nish Kumar. How are you, are you all right? I'm

:49:34.:49:39.

a comedian who is about to do some comedy for you. It's very

:49:40.:49:45.

convenient! I am what is known as a critically claimed comedian. Yes,

:49:46.:49:54.

you're right, you're welcome! What does that mean? It means I use a lot

:49:55.:49:59.

of long words, I get very good reviews in broadsheet newspapers,

:50:00.:50:05.

and then nobody comes! Very poor ticket sales, guys. Last year one of

:50:06.:50:09.

my UK tour dates had to be cancelled for personal reasons. And those

:50:10.:50:14.

personal reasons were, we had sold four tickets! Pretty bad! It is a

:50:15.:50:21.

fun job, you get to travel around. A couple of years ago I went to tactic

:50:22.:50:26.

Giggs at the Melbourne comedy festival. Before I went there, there

:50:27.:50:31.

was an incident. When you go to a festival, you sometimes get

:50:32.:50:33.

interviewed, standard questions, everybody gets them. There will be

:50:34.:50:39.

one question which is personalised for you. The one they did for me was

:50:40.:50:49.

this - how come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of their

:50:50.:50:54.

profits, and Muslims aren't? To which the obvious answer is, I don't

:50:55.:51:04.

fucking know, my parents are Hindus. Either these people have just

:51:05.:51:11.

thought, this guy has got a foreign name, must be a Muzza. Or they think

:51:12.:51:18.

it is a non-white screening. Let me tell you something, ladies and

:51:19.:51:23.

gentlemen, I tell that joke on stage in a not particularly ethnically

:51:24.:51:29.

diverse gig, it was a solid body of white people, me, and one black dye,

:51:30.:51:35.

where everybody could see him, presumably because they were keeping

:51:36.:51:39.

an eye on him. This guy decided he was going to have some fun. He

:51:40.:51:43.

looked at me and then he looked at the audience and in full view of

:51:44.:51:47.

them, turned to me and went... Listen, you have not lived until you

:51:48.:51:52.

have seen a roomful of middle-aged white people simultaneously shipped

:51:53.:51:58.

their pants. I didn't know what I was going to put because obviously,

:51:59.:52:04.

this was a contentious subject, so I just put, my parents are Hindus, I

:52:05.:52:08.

don't know. But I wanted them to know that an infraction had taken

:52:09.:52:16.

place. And in the last question, well, it was not a question, it was

:52:17.:52:20.

a task. They had given us the first half of a joke and we had to supply

:52:21.:52:25.

the second half. You do that in whatever way you see fit. Maybe can

:52:26.:52:31.

then judge whether they will like your style of comedy. The line was,

:52:32.:52:39.

a book walks into a bar and sees a book case. This is how I finish to

:52:40.:52:46.

the joke. A book walks into a bar and sees a book case. The book says,

:52:47.:52:53.

hey, but case! How come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of

:52:54.:53:01.

their prophets and Muslims aren't? And the book Case said, I don't

:53:02.:53:08.

know, because I am a bookcase, and as such, have no knowledge of the

:53:09.:53:13.

intricacies of Islamic theology. I assume you're asking me because I am

:53:14.:53:19.

a brown book case, in which case, go fuck yourselves! Thank you very

:53:20.:53:26.

much, ladies and gentlemen! Nish Kumar, everyone! Fantastic stuff. We

:53:27.:53:34.

have had a great laugh tonight but now I want to talk to you about

:53:35.:53:38.

something very serious. No-one in this century should die of hunger,

:53:39.:53:44.

it is an absolute nonsense and obscenity. I would like you to watch

:53:45.:53:45.

this film for a moment. Thank you. I have come to the children's ward

:53:46.:54:09.

at Redemption Hospital in Nigeria. Nothing prepared me for what I saw,

:54:10.:54:13.

this child was suffering from malnutrition. This is to and her

:54:14.:54:15.

father Alexander. Tabatha's mum is seriously ill, so

:54:16.:54:33.

her father is taking care of her on his own. It's just awful to think

:54:34.:54:42.

that this still happens. A little girl who is so malnourished that her

:54:43.:54:50.

dad had to carry her to hospital. One in every three children in

:54:51.:54:51.

Liberia suffers from malnutrition. Quite simply, they're not getting

:54:52.:55:11.

enough of the right food. She's getting a grip now to try to get her

:55:12.:55:18.

temperatures down and to just feed her body. When we first got here,

:55:19.:55:22.

her little stomach was just going like that happens. She's severely

:55:23.:55:31.

malnourished. Severely, OK. She's just three kilograms and she's four

:55:32.:55:40.

months. How they are as composed as they are, it's amazing to witness.

:55:41.:55:45.

You just see incredibly skilled people saving the girl's life. Of

:55:46.:55:52.

her dad hadn't brought her today, she probably would have died? Yes, a

:55:53.:55:59.

delay for 30 more minutes, something like that. Will she be OK now? After

:56:00.:56:11.

we give fluid, we hope. All Tabatha's father can do now is

:56:12.:56:12.

comfort his little girl. When I left Liberia, I thought

:56:13.:56:35.

Tabatha was going to be OK. But when I got back, we actually found out

:56:36.:56:40.

that she had died. Despite everything that happened, her dad

:56:41.:56:47.

insisted that we showed film. It is incredible, isn't it, to think that

:56:48.:56:51.

in 2017, there's sill children in the world that are dying from

:56:52.:56:56.

hunger. That's where you come in. If you don't need money, we can get

:56:57.:57:00.

emergency food to children like Tabatha, and they won't die, it's as

:57:01.:57:08.

simple as that. So if you can spare some money, then please give

:57:09.:57:09.

generously tonight. Please call... World, Russell Howard. Let me just

:57:10.:57:32.

ask you for the time tonight, if you haven't given yet, it would be great

:57:33.:57:36.

if you could. This is probably your last opportunity. Have you had a

:57:37.:57:41.

fantastic time, you lot? Your endurance has been impeccable! We

:57:42.:57:46.

need to say one last thank you to Nish Kumar! Jayde Adams! Spencer

:57:47.:57:54.

Jones, he's disappeared. The Brett Domino Trio, there they are. They're

:57:55.:58:02.

going straight into counselling! We are so sorry! Lou Sanders, she was

:58:03.:58:09.

fantastic! Before we go, we have one last bit of business, and that's the

:58:10.:58:19.

final total for the night. Are we going to see the total upon this

:58:20.:58:23.

screen? Let's get ready to be enthusiastic, because I don't think

:58:24.:58:27.

there is a total coming. OK, the total for tonight...

:58:28.:59:59.

These are packed full of nutrients and are amazing

:00:00.:00:01.

for malnourished children like Divine.

:00:02.:00:02.

They're very often the difference between life and death.

:00:03.:00:06.

There you go, so that was an optimistic week to end on.

:00:07.:00:39.

it's Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them,

:00:40.:00:43.

hosted by those fantastic beasts, Jonathan Ross and Noel Fielding.

:00:44.:00:45.

They're taking a look back at all the best musical performances

:00:46.:00:48.

and sketches from the past 30 years of Comic Relief.

:00:49.:00:50.

Remain fully conscious, never yield to it!

:00:51.:01:01.

But before that, and because you've all been generous beyond my wildest

:01:02.:01:04.

dreams, here's a sketch featuring some of the biggest stars

:01:05.:01:07.

in the world and the biggest star in the universe.

:01:08.:01:09.

Show we set up some sort of tribal, we can't probably live together.

:01:10.:01:22.

You're not going anywhere yet, maintain your enthusiasm as we

:01:23.:01:26.

maintain the millennium dome! Thanks for your generosity, I'm Russell

:01:27.:01:29.

Brand, good night! Stephen Hawking has used the same

:01:30.:01:42.

trademark voice for over 30 years. This year, he decided it was time

:01:43.:01:48.

for a change. As word got out for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,

:01:49.:01:52.

offers began to flood in. We have been granted privileged access to

:01:53.:01:56.

the casting process as Professor Hawking reviews the audition tapes

:01:57.:02:02.

from the hopeful applicants. Trying to find my new voice. Surely it has

:02:03.:02:10.

to be me? Listen to my voice. It's deep, it's sexy, I'm here for the

:02:11.:02:21.

role of Stephen Hawking. Hello, Stephen, it Stephen. Listen,

:02:22.:02:39.

I think my voice would endow your presence with an enormous authority.

:02:40.:02:44.

You would also be able to use many cogently... My earpiece has gone.

:02:45.:02:55.

You would be able to use lots of long words and stuff. A number of

:02:56.:02:58.

people decided to do what they do best. My job is to fight stars.

:02:59.:03:09.

Clause is to count them. I don't know who you are. I don't know what

:03:10.:03:19.

you want. It has to be a yes from you. Not a chance. I heard that a

:03:20.:03:27.

bunch of BLEEP are trying to get you to take them. Who better than the

:03:28.:03:31.

soothing voice I have got? I don't think anyone would take me BLEEP

:03:32.:03:37.

seriously if I sounded like that. Some people clearly weren't told

:03:38.:03:43.

what they were auditioning for. Frankly, it ought to be a musical.

:03:44.:03:49.

I'm thinking something like Everybody's Hawking. The greatest

:03:50.:03:53.

enemy to knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.

:03:54.:04:00.

That sounded like I have class and sophistication. It's not looking

:04:01.:04:07.

good. I would sound like an idiot if that was my voice.

:04:08.:04:15.

# Memory, you have photographic memory. Stephen, I know what you're

:04:16.:04:24.

thinking. Sexy! Who wouldn't want to sound like me? Not a chance. Mr

:04:25.:04:35.

Hawking! Steve, listen, I'm the best man for the job. I've been to space

:04:36.:04:40.

before. You talk about space, I've lived it. Wowsers. Some celebrities

:04:41.:04:46.

were insulted that they even needed to audition. If they want me to go

:04:47.:04:54.

through that again, there will have to pay me a shed load of cash. I

:04:55.:05:00.

know Eddie did a good job, I could have played you so much better.

:05:01.:05:04.

After a long session watching desperate celebrities try and win

:05:05.:05:08.

him over, Stephen finally decided... Yes, that's my new voice. And

:05:09.:05:12.

prepared to unveil it the next day. Hello. My name is Stephen Hawking.

:05:13.:05:30.

You're only supposed to blow the bloody atom!

:05:31.:05:40.

Now obviously, you know there was a lot of transmission because you saw

:05:41.:05:44.

it at home. What you missed was some excellent television presenting by

:05:45.:05:48.

me. Wasn't I good? But you missed the grand total. This is ultimately

:05:49.:05:54.

about helping people, and we do need money to change people's lives. The

:05:55.:05:57.

total that you missed because of the loss of transmission, and let's not

:05:58.:06:00.

get called conspiratorial about that, what's ?71 million ?380,000,

:06:01.:06:07.

and it has come from you! You are the people who have given this

:06:08.:06:12.

money. Thank you! We are going to have to add this audience to the

:06:13.:06:17.

people who require urgent help and water. We are handing over now to

:06:18.:06:21.

safe hands, the hands of Jonathan Ross and Noel Fielding. They are

:06:22.:06:27.

going to look at some of the best musical moments in Comic Relief

:06:28.:06:30.

history. Stay tuned for that and more chaos. I'm Russell Brand, thank

:06:31.:06:33.

Russell Brand comperes more live comedy as he welcomes the hottest stand-up acts in the UK to the Comic Relief stage. Seven very special performers ensure the laughs - and donations - keep on rolling in.