Russell Brand's Stand Off Comic Relief

Russell Brand's Stand Off

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I'm back on television after a crazy year. We're going to make this last


hour crazy, is that right? You are incredibly enthusiastic, as I make


my way back into the mainstream, getting back into your affections


after bringing down the government. I'm going to find my way back into


all of your hearts. I have been trying to keep it mellow. The first


thing that happened to me... Has the mic been pulled already?! Thank God!


I thought from the very first seconds, I had been cast off the


airwaves! They sat me down to a man peeling a banana with his feet, and


a woman wearing a coat with no knickers. How are we meant to keep


this together?! Chaos could be unleashed at any moment!


Over the next hour, we'll be entertaining you with the finest


Surrounding me now in the rip-off of Jools Holland' situation, let's face


it, we have... Just hear, and my excitement is building for this, we


have the Brett Domino Trio! And over here, we are very


lucky to be joined by You're probably wondering why


everyone's applauding The real Nish Kumar is rushing to


London to be here. These are crazy days, be careful. And amidst this


mayhem, I will be trying to seduce you into giving a little cash for


the job of saving actual lives. But, to get things started, please


welcome our first act tonight. Let me just say something to Twitter


before I start. Number one, I'm on the large side, it wasn't a mistake.


Number two, I look ridiculous, also not a mistake. Number three, they


say you are what you eat, but I do not remember eating a goddess. As


performers, we cover every year to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Last


year, I travelled on something called a megabucks gold, heard of


it? For those of you with disposable incomes, I will explain what it is.


It's like the Orient express except that everyone carries their stuff in


bin bags and you might get fingered on it. When I was booking this, I


thought to myself that I would be travelling up the motorway in a


four-poster bed, but it was more like a coffin with curtains of a


mass grave of bankers. There were some other people on the Megabus


gold. There were these four lads. Let's not call them lads. There were


these four fucks. And when we were trying to get some sleep at 2am,


they decided to make noise on their iPhones. Have you heard that noise


without the headphones? The music is never any fucking good. Sorry for


swearing, mum. They were making a noise not dissimilar to this. Ready?


Had enough yet? Thanks. Another white person beatboxing on the BBC.


It has never happened before. On the other side of the Megabus gold, we


have some other people, let's call them British people. They didn't


like what they were doing, so instead of doing something about it,


they were making a noise that I find infinitely more annoying than that.


Get a load of this noise. And I was losing my fucking mind in


the middle. So I decided as the voice of the people, as they call me


in my hometown of Japan, I would do something. I got out of the sanitary


towel they gave me to sleep on and in this re-enactment, you are going


to play the four fucks. Wake up. Have you had a lot to drink? I went


over to the fucks, I am swearing a lot, it's just nerves. I went to


them and said, hi, boys, is it quite all right on this journey if we


could turn off our mobile phones? Like many people who have read the


Guardian before me, I thought my patronising tone would work on these


youths. But they turned round to me and you know what they said? No,


fuck off, you fat bitch. Normally, I have heard it said before. I stand


with the perpetrator on the street and I make them feel ashamed and


upset about whatever led them to this behaviour. I didn't have time


for that, I was on the Megabus Gold. Instead, I remembered that I had a


suitcase full of props and costumes and other things. But I had


something else that I got the previous Christmas, something you


might have had before to help in such a situation. And that is a


battery-powered boom box. And I thought to myself, if these four


fucks were going to play their music, then I was going to play my


music. Can I have my track, please? That's quite low, I don't have


testicles, so that is quite impressive.


# Nella tua fredda stanza guardi le stelle


# Che tremano d'amore e di speranza...


# Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me, il nome mio nessun sapra!


The rest of the bus loved it all stopped I thought I was going to be


a viral superstar. That is Italian for silence.


CHEERING. What actually happened was that I missed my stop and ended up


in Glasgow. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much!


That was the brilliant Jayde Adams, who I'll be


Bringing opera and using her vagina to modulate her voice. What could be


more entertaining? Weaver share how she did that with you. Keep


donating. Let's keep the Momentum going. Let's transcend to another


dimension. Please welcome Spencer


Jones as The Herbert! # She's got me working


all my days, days, days, days. # She's got me working


all my days, days, days, days. "What Is he?" Thank you, good night,


thank you. "He Was a bit short, wasn't he?"


That is permanent marker. Can we go swimming, dad? Not for a couple of


weeks. # I like to clean the floor.


# Dirty floor. # I've been a dirty floor.


# Yeah, you have. # I need cleaning.


# Yeah, you do. # What you've gone a cleanly with?


# With my mouth! Evil penis. What you scheming, evil


penis? Oh, nothing. It's over there. It's coming! I've run out of stuff.


Can I use that? You know, the old... All right, mate? That's going.


That's got to go. That's got to stay. It's the floor.


Thank you very much, have a lovely evening!


Erotic and profound and unusual, what a peculiar man, somehow


summarising everything that is great about this country in one wonderful


moment. It is great to be reminded that Britain is a wonderful place


full of love, peculiarity, oddity and an evil penis that it seemed to


redeem itself over the course of the narrative. This is one of those


moments in Comic Relief that we love and embrace and accept, where we


have to move from an amusing, crazy moment like that to the serious


function of the evening. film I need you all


to pay attention to. The greatest killer of young men


under 35 in this country is suicide. And our job ? and the thing


your money can do - is try to head that despair off


at the pass. is an actual transcript of an actual


typed conversation on a website that that is there when no-one


else is there to help. That young man survived


because of money you gave. I do think it's an incredible thing


we're involved in here. You don't know who is being affected


by these things, but we do know that if we make a donation tonight, these


are the kind of things we are supporting. I think that has


demonstrated very clearly what we are doing. I have to make a radical


change of direction now. I'm surrounded by young


comedians just being funny. But in the middle of it,


if you just find one minute to go online, text,


ring ? some person you don't know will suddenly have a lifeline


when there is no other lifeline. So, here we are, being ridiculous,


there's people here using their genitals for our amusement, but


also, we're raising money. Or you can go to

:19:39.:19:43. And look - if you're watching right


now and feeling life is just too hard but you can't face telling


those you love, then organisations like Calm supported by Comic Relief


could be really helpful. By picking up the phone or sitting


at a laptop and chatting online, you can talk to someone in total


confidence who can help you. Now that we have done that, we have


been sincere and serious, we can elegantly move to the is


extraordinary people. You have dashed here, haven't you?


Temporarily, you were replaced by a cardboard cutout. You missed that


lovely moment, and you used your vagina to reach some high notes? I


did. I must say, to see someone using their vagina so artfully was a


joy for me. I agree! You're a man that lives very much on the edge. I


thought I was going to die, I had to get a motorbike taxi here! It would


have been unfortunate this evening to have had to announce your death,


but we would have found a way around it. Let's face it, that is what we


do here, we embrace the tragic but also the beautiful and the joyful.


Would you say that is true? I would say so. You feel more relaxed now


you have formed, don't you? I am well chilled. And what about you,


you have come through the London streets on a motorbike? I have never


felt more composed in my god damn life! Is really composed! How about


you fellas, are you feeling all right this evening? Evidently. You


are Daphne collectively, but you have individual lives as well, I


assume? Not really, not me. You have just immersed yourself totally into


Daphne? Yes. You don't think these guys are milking you, exploiting


you? No, they've got important work to do, I just carry the bags. That's


the kind of compassion Comic Relief is built on. If you can extend some


of that Russian this evening, and compassion, this young man being a


butler to his associates. And Nish has come here on a motorbike. Amat


relief is just about the best thing we have got in this country, isn't


it? We come here under the symbol of this red nose to find love and joy.


I agree. I think we have taken everything we can from this


conversation. I think future generations... Possibly extra


terrestrial alien nations from the future will transcribe this, and let


this be the Bible. Daphne, we'll be seeing you later. Without further


ado, follow me over here. We have got some exciting information for


you. These young men, they call themselves the Brett Domino Trio,


but mathematically, they are at odds with reality. Please welcome the


Brett Domino Trio! Welcome them! # I am boombastic... Thanks very


much! That was us. I don't know how much of that you heard. I estimate


about 10%. But believe me, it was all there. Me and Steve here, we


heard it all. That was Shaggy, Boombastic. Anybody recognise that


sample? It was an exciting time to be a television gardener. That was


Alan Titchmarsh am I who did that. Lads, I have come here under


considerable duress to complete your Treo, momentarily, but also to tell


you that due to technical problems, we need you to start again. Don't be


downhearted, particularly not you, you look like a young man who lives


on the edge. Can you consider that? We're just going to pretend that


nothing happened. In a way, nothing has happened. In a way. You just


crack on, refresh yourselves just in they're going to provide such


enthusiasm that it be difficult for you to...


APPLAUSE I'm not sure how this works,


television-wise. But we're going to do it. Just going to get it... This


is us. Thank you! It was an exciting... Just attend that didn't


happen. We'll just keep pretending things don't happen until something


actually happens. Comic Relief was meant to be more crazy and mental


this year, we've obviously overcompensated, it's gone too far,


we've allowed the forces of chaos in, and your Treo has suffered. But


you've got it in you to make this live. Don't recoil from me,


sunshine, I know Judy -- I know jujitsu, I can hold you down, I can


open every orifice in your body! These are the kind of moments that


go viral. Let's do this thing! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for


the Brett Domino Trio! # Mr lover, lover, ooh


# Smooth, soft and cuddly like a quilt


# I'm in the recall lover with my sexual physique


# Can't you tell, I'm just like a turtle coming out of a shall


# I love your sweet smell and you're the only younger who can ring my


bell # They call me Mr Boombastic,


fantastic # That's it, thanks very much. Thank


you! Make them do it once more! No! That's enough! That shows what


endurance and persistence can achieve. Well done, lads, fantastic


stuff just in a minute, we're going to be seeing some fantastic acts.


Now, Specsavers has become involved in this operation, and these glasses


represent I think that connection between us and Specsavers. But I'm


suspicious of this item. Specsavers have been busy selling


these amazing glasses to give all of us a good laugh. Whilst I am here,


can make it a quick eye test? Of course. Wait, that's the wrong room.


Oh, I really do need an eye test. This is end of the. It's our loading


programme. We can load anything from loading equipment... Grant at what I


need is an eye test. I'm supposed to be filming for Comic Relief. This is


the world that you know. Aren't they brilliant? So what is the point of


this room again? To change a human being into this. OK, actually


freaking me out a little bit now, I think I'm done ago. Right, back to


reality. Ready, everyone? One, two, three... Thank you!


Thanks to Specsavers and everybody who works there for their


contribution, and to everybody who has bought these glasses, thank you


very much. Now, you will be astonished to learn that the Brett


Domino trio have not actually finish to their act! That contribution from


Specsavers of more than ?600, that seems like an incredible figure.


Let's go back to the Brett Domino Trio now, and I promise you that


we're not going to young men until they are carried out shoulder high.


Please keep your attention strained upon the Brett Domino Trio!


It's been a tough old night for everybody.


Hi, we are the Brett Domino Trio. Did that go out on telly twice, or


was it just for you guys? I apologise to everyone at home if


they had to sit through that twice, once instrumental and once with my


vocals. It was essentially the same song. You got the gist of it anyway.


You have heard it twice now, and that is good. We deliberately played


half of it, because we were aware we had a short set time. We are still


aware that we have only got five minutes on the clock, so we are


going to crack on and keep this as punchy as we can. You having a good


time? Lovely stuff. Sorry, the visuals have gone wrong here. They


shouldn't be this garden behind us, but it's there, so enjoy it. On my


right is the drummer of the band, Stephen. That's enough, we have to


keep it brief, Steve. My name is Brett Domino. I played a keytar. We


are going to play a song and keep it brief. It is a classical piece of


music you will all recognise, originally instrumental. I have


written some lyrics to it. It's a love song. Sing along if you know


the words. # You, you're the one for me.


# My knees go weak when you're near. # I fear for my heart and brain.


# Never make me cry, baby. # I just want your love, and I will


give all my love back to you. # Baby, if you're down, you can be


my sunshine right through the clouds.


# When I see you, my heart goes... # And when I'm with you, I feel like


ba ba ba dap ba. OK, everybody. Everybody!


# You, you're the one for me. # My knees go weak.


# When you're near, and I feel my heart, my brain.


# If you ever pass me by... You all know the words.


# I just want your love, and I will give all my love back to you.


# Baby, you can be my sunshine right through the clouds.


# When I'm with you, my heart goes...


# And when I'm with you, I feel like ba ba ba dap ba.


# Girl, you're the one, just say you'll be mine. Thanks very much.


Good night. That was the Brett Domino Trio, in


instalments, and they still triumphed. That is what this night


of chaos and Comic Relief is about. Well done, lads. They endured, those


young people. Let's move on. Remember to keep donating. I would


say this is incredible entertainment. Yeah, it's awesome.


It's sick. A young person's contribution. I am excited about


this act over here. Let's introduce her politely. We will allow her to


do her entire act and then applaud and appreciate her, not constantly


ransack her. Please welcome, for the entirety of her act, the fantastic


Lou Sanders, everyone! Thanks, guys! Nest to be here. My


nephews did a fundraiser for Comic Relief this week, and they had to do


short stories in assembly. So I wrote them a story to take in. I


bought with me. This is a murder mystery ? it's


like a short whodunnit. Actually, I wasn't that


academic at school, but I've Even now, I'm always asking


life's big questions ? like the other day I was thinking,


what if, all this If you were shaggy's wife, you would


have a few trust issues. I read a statistic the other day.


That's outrageous, cos I have not received a penny.


We're all weirdos, really, and I think there's too


I was in a car park the other day and a woman


was breastfeeding her baby, but you could tell she


Which made me really sad and thought "How can I help here?"


So I stood next to her and I breastfed my flatmate, Darren.


I'm happy, she's happy, Darren's happy.


My boyfriend is not happy. No, I haven't got a boyfriend because I'm


too busy writing Oscar Pistorius stories.


I was thinking the other day about my ex-boyfriends


and what they all have in common and I think it's that, well, one,


Oh, that reminds me, I should tell you my fave STD joke.


This is the one my mum said not to do.


I heard on the radio the other day that STDs were spreading.


I thought, "You're telling me, it's spread all the way


Thank you. Yes, do donate. I'm going to leave you all with some tips.


I usually have a little jingle here, but I guess I'll


So why not sellotape a Twix to your bits?


I said that was for the guys, but there is a little sugar for mum as


well. That's right, guys, I'm a vegan


and I've only just mentioned it. Take back what you know


about my people, I guess. OK, last tip ? this will get you out


of any sort of trouble at all. I cycled into someone's car


and he was like "Blah, blah, blah", but it's OK as I had this


up my sleeve. So, any trouble


you're in ? use this. That bit's optional,


but it's a nice touch. Then you say "I don't think


this is about me, is it? I am going to end on one joke. Get


ready. What's the difference between me and a doctor? I've never seen a


flaccid penis. Thank you so much. On the outskirts of Nairobi,


there's a quarry. People come here every day


to chip rocks by hand, but surprisingly, many


here are families. For Mildred, this is


the only way she can earn Mildred can't afford


a moment of rest. Even when she's feeding


her baby, she has But this is no guarantee


that she'll earn enough Today, they haven't earned enough,


so tonight this family As her little boy grows up,


all he has to look forward He'll be given a hammer to chip


rocks, just like his sister. As a mum, imagine knowing


that is your children's only future. Unless you can give


some money tonight. With your cash, we can set


mums like Mildred up with their own business so she can


be the mum she wants to be, and send her kids to school


so that all of them can Bloody hell, we have to donate on


the basis of Mildred's plight. But at least you can make a


donation. A quid or two would really make an impact. As a new father


myself, to see the sensitivity and vulnerability of that baby, I worry


about my kid just while I am talking, and there was a woman


working in a quarry and breast-feeding. This is why we do


Comic Relief, so that when we are impacted by these feelings, we can


make a difference. Not forget that I am in this room with the whole Jools


Holland rip-off going on. I have now got a redirect your sad energy, once


you have made that donation to the charity that supports Mildred and


people in that situation set up a business, I would like you now to


focus on being almost mindlessly enthusiastic. Could you manage that,


you people? We have still got some fantastic comedy coming up,


including Nish Kumar. But before that, please welcome the fantastic


Daphne! Hello, everybody, we are Daphne,


the UK's most racially I'm Jason Forbes and


I am a British-born I'm Phil Wang and I am


an Anglo-Franco-Chinese Malaysian. It's


gonna be fucking great! I think you ought to mind your


language, don't you? What the boobs are you


talking about, Jason? Isn't your Jamaican


Auntie Mary here...? Who's that coming


down the garden path? What a way 'im favour


'im fadda, don't? Philip, what you doin'


wid you life now? No, Aunty Mary, I'm doing comedy


for a well-known charity. when George appeared just then


as Jamaican Auntie Mary instead of the actually


Jamaican Jason Forbes, that is what is known


in the sketch-mongering industry Now, as you probably know,


a "pull back and reveal" is where you get to the end


of a sketch and realise in retrospect that the situation


is different to how it appeared This sketch we'll be doing for you,


ladies and gentlemen, It's what I always get


when I come in here! Sorry, sir, we don't


do free coffee. Oh, so you're that


dickhead waiter everyone's been banging on about,


Mr Crabjaw? That's what everyone calls


you behind your back. Sorry, we've got a table booked


for 7.30 under the name of Potts. Well,


I don't remember mentioning Oh, I'll have a lovely


big glass of Sauvignon. I actually run my own independent


comic book store... Yeah, yeah, I remember


it was something stupid like that. Sorry ? what part of "I'll kill you"


don't you understand? That's cos you've


been fannying about. Can we just have


a couple more min... I'll have the chicken


followed by the duck followed by the lamb and a glass


of tap water! In which case, let's


just get the bill. One glass of tap water and I've also


brought you some hurshtah Hurshtah ? it's a traditional


Moroccan delicacy. I'm going to be sick! What are you


going to give me next? Daphne their effort effortlessly


giving us tradition and comedy. Nish Kumar has made an impact on me, I


want you to welcome him with every last bit of enthusiasm that you


have, reach down into your essence and give warmth and love to Nish


Kumar! He's there! I made it! Thank God! Good evening, ladies and


gentlemen, my name is Nish Kumar. How are you, are you all right? I'm


a comedian who is about to do some comedy for you. It's very


convenient! I am what is known as a critically claimed comedian. Yes,


you're right, you're welcome! What does that mean? It means I use a lot


of long words, I get very good reviews in broadsheet newspapers,


and then nobody comes! Very poor ticket sales, guys. Last year one of


my UK tour dates had to be cancelled for personal reasons. And those


personal reasons were, we had sold four tickets! Pretty bad! It is a


fun job, you get to travel around. A couple of years ago I went to tactic


Giggs at the Melbourne comedy festival. Before I went there, there


was an incident. When you go to a festival, you sometimes get


interviewed, standard questions, everybody gets them. There will be


one question which is personalised for you. The one they did for me was


this - how come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of their


profits, and Muslims aren't? To which the obvious answer is, I don't


fucking know, my parents are Hindus. Either these people have just


thought, this guy has got a foreign name, must be a Muzza. Or they think


it is a non-white screening. Let me tell you something, ladies and


gentlemen, I tell that joke on stage in a not particularly ethnically


diverse gig, it was a solid body of white people, me, and one black dye,


where everybody could see him, presumably because they were keeping


an eye on him. This guy decided he was going to have some fun. He


looked at me and then he looked at the audience and in full view of


them, turned to me and went... Listen, you have not lived until you


have seen a roomful of middle-aged white people simultaneously shipped


their pants. I didn't know what I was going to put because obviously,


this was a contentious subject, so I just put, my parents are Hindus, I


don't know. But I wanted them to know that an infraction had taken


place. And in the last question, well, it was not a question, it was


a task. They had given us the first half of a joke and we had to supply


the second half. You do that in whatever way you see fit. Maybe can


then judge whether they will like your style of comedy. The line was,


a book walks into a bar and sees a book case. This is how I finish to


the joke. A book walks into a bar and sees a book case. The book says,


hey, but case! How come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of


their prophets and Muslims aren't? And the book Case said, I don't


know, because I am a bookcase, and as such, have no knowledge of the


intricacies of Islamic theology. I assume you're asking me because I am


a brown book case, in which case, go fuck yourselves! Thank you very


much, ladies and gentlemen! Nish Kumar, everyone! Fantastic stuff. We


have had a great laugh tonight but now I want to talk to you about


something very serious. No-one in this century should die of hunger,


it is an absolute nonsense and obscenity. I would like you to watch


this film for a moment. Thank you. I have come to the children's ward


at Redemption Hospital in Nigeria. Nothing prepared me for what I saw,


this child was suffering from malnutrition. This is to and her


father Alexander. Tabatha's mum is seriously ill, so


her father is taking care of her on his own. It's just awful to think


that this still happens. A little girl who is so malnourished that her


dad had to carry her to hospital. One in every three children in


Liberia suffers from malnutrition. Quite simply, they're not getting


enough of the right food. She's getting a grip now to try to get her


temperatures down and to just feed her body. When we first got here,


her little stomach was just going like that happens. She's severely


malnourished. Severely, OK. She's just three kilograms and she's four


months. How they are as composed as they are, it's amazing to witness.


You just see incredibly skilled people saving the girl's life. Of


her dad hadn't brought her today, she probably would have died? Yes, a


delay for 30 more minutes, something like that. Will she be OK now? After


we give fluid, we hope. All Tabatha's father can do now is


comfort his little girl. When I left Liberia, I thought


Tabatha was going to be OK. But when I got back, we actually found out


that she had died. Despite everything that happened, her dad


insisted that we showed film. It is incredible, isn't it, to think that


in 2017, there's sill children in the world that are dying from


hunger. That's where you come in. If you don't need money, we can get


emergency food to children like Tabatha, and they won't die, it's as


simple as that. So if you can spare some money, then please give


generously tonight. Please call... World, Russell Howard. Let me just


ask you for the time tonight, if you haven't given yet, it would be great


if you could. This is probably your last opportunity. Have you had a


fantastic time, you lot? Your endurance has been impeccable! We


need to say one last thank you to Nish Kumar! Jayde Adams! Spencer


Jones, he's disappeared. The Brett Domino Trio, there they are. They're


going straight into counselling! We are so sorry! Lou Sanders, she was


fantastic! Before we go, we have one last bit of business, and that's the


final total for the night. Are we going to see the total upon this


screen? Let's get ready to be enthusiastic, because I don't think


there is a total coming. OK, the total for tonight...


These are packed full of nutrients and are amazing


for malnourished children like Divine.


They're very often the difference between life and death.


There you go, so that was an optimistic week to end on.


it's Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them,


hosted by those fantastic beasts, Jonathan Ross and Noel Fielding.


They're taking a look back at all the best musical performances


and sketches from the past 30 years of Comic Relief.


Remain fully conscious, never yield to it!


But before that, and because you've all been generous beyond my wildest


dreams, here's a sketch featuring some of the biggest stars


in the world and the biggest star in the universe.


Show we set up some sort of tribal, we can't probably live together.


You're not going anywhere yet, maintain your enthusiasm as we


maintain the millennium dome! Thanks for your generosity, I'm Russell


Brand, good night! Stephen Hawking has used the same


trademark voice for over 30 years. This year, he decided it was time


for a change. As word got out for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,


offers began to flood in. We have been granted privileged access to


the casting process as Professor Hawking reviews the audition tapes


from the hopeful applicants. Trying to find my new voice. Surely it has


to be me? Listen to my voice. It's deep, it's sexy, I'm here for the


role of Stephen Hawking. Hello, Stephen, it Stephen. Listen,


I think my voice would endow your presence with an enormous authority.


You would also be able to use many cogently... My earpiece has gone.


You would be able to use lots of long words and stuff. A number of


people decided to do what they do best. My job is to fight stars.


Clause is to count them. I don't know who you are. I don't know what


you want. It has to be a yes from you. Not a chance. I heard that a


bunch of BLEEP are trying to get you to take them. Who better than the


soothing voice I have got? I don't think anyone would take me BLEEP


seriously if I sounded like that. Some people clearly weren't told


what they were auditioning for. Frankly, it ought to be a musical.


I'm thinking something like Everybody's Hawking. The greatest


enemy to knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.


That sounded like I have class and sophistication. It's not looking


good. I would sound like an idiot if that was my voice.


# Memory, you have photographic memory. Stephen, I know what you're


thinking. Sexy! Who wouldn't want to sound like me? Not a chance. Mr


Hawking! Steve, listen, I'm the best man for the job. I've been to space


before. You talk about space, I've lived it. Wowsers. Some celebrities


were insulted that they even needed to audition. If they want me to go


through that again, there will have to pay me a shed load of cash. I


know Eddie did a good job, I could have played you so much better.


After a long session watching desperate celebrities try and win


him over, Stephen finally decided... Yes, that's my new voice. And


prepared to unveil it the next day. Hello. My name is Stephen Hawking.


You're only supposed to blow the bloody atom!


Now obviously, you know there was a lot of transmission because you saw


it at home. What you missed was some excellent television presenting by


me. Wasn't I good? But you missed the grand total. This is ultimately


about helping people, and we do need money to change people's lives. The


total that you missed because of the loss of transmission, and let's not


get called conspiratorial about that, what's ?71 million ?380,000,


and it has come from you! You are the people who have given this


money. Thank you! We are going to have to add this audience to the


people who require urgent help and water. We are handing over now to


safe hands, the hands of Jonathan Ross and Noel Fielding. They are


going to look at some of the best musical moments in Comic Relief


history. Stay tuned for that and more chaos. I'm Russell Brand, thank


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