The Best Of Red Nose Day Comic Relief

It is March the 24th 2017, welcome to another great today here in

London town. Don't worry, it is Red Nose Day!

# Get crazy, shout are! # Chill out, relax, and give, go on,

dip into your --! # Comics all and new, rounding up

the talent who had nothing else to do...

# It's going to be a crazy night, no jokes about my height!

# Got a gorgeous twinkle in my eye...

# We will only stay for seven hours. # It will make you happy!

# Gangnam styled... # Had, sexy lady!

# You won't believe that we all showed up!

# A paradise... # We promise no pun is, just a night

of one! Are you joking?! # Just give to our good cause to

day! # So if you've got a quid, just give

it to a kid! # Don't be selfish on this Red Nose

Day fine! Friday night saw an incredible

night of comedy. # We are going to embrace chaos even

further! Up and down the country,

we shared laughter and shed tears. She was really smiling and she just

started crying. Your generosity has helped transform

the lives of people all over the world, as you dug

deep to raise... Shut up, Infinity, and no return!

From all of us at Comic Relief, we want to say thank you,

as we bring you the highlights from a very special

Please welcome Jonathan Ross and Sir Lenny Henry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

Welcome to the only show that needs a government health warning, we live

and of rehearsals are anything to go by, we will get into a lot of

trouble with the BBC! It will be will wed the ban if we can raise a

huge amount of money, are you with me?

Yes! # Got your lipstick mark

still on your coffee cup # In the twist of separation

You excelled at being free # Can't you find a little

room inside for me? # Whatever I said, whatever

I did, I didn't mean it # Want you back, want you

back, want you back for good # Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me

the song and I'll sing it # Want you back, want you

back, want you back for good #. Now, you guys have never

tried to make it here, but was there ever a point

where you thought about We had this hilarious

meeting in London. These two guys from the New York

record company flew in, and they literally spent an hour

telling us, "We're going to do this, We'll go to Vegas and

do this radio thing. And then we'll hit them

with marketing in New York and do And what do you think,

after an hour, full-on? The silence went down the line

until it got to Howard. I think you've just got

to get the word out. Will you listen to the music,

and play it for friends? Tweet it, Instagram it,

do the whole thing, OK? Your wives will love it,

your kids will love it. What are you going

to tell people, sir? They are the biggest group

in the world and we just met them! Excuse me, gents,

are you music fans? I feel like we've got

the word out there. Are there any customers in there

that are interested in new music? This is our first big

store performance, OK? This is going back to the days

of Woolworths and Our Price. This is the stuff

that breaks people. Ladies and gentlemen,

it's Take That! Ladies and gentlemen,

for their first performance as TT3 in Los Angeles,

please welcome Take That! # When the time grew

near for me to show my love # Hiding from a word

I need to hear now # But the nights were

always warm with you # But the morning

always comes too soon # Hoping that I'll be a part

of you again someday... Ladies and gentlemen,

that was Take That! Tell your friends,

tell your friends! Let's go, let's go,

let's go, let's go! Tell you what, guys, it's small

steps, but we're making inroads. Is there anything like

us out here, James? All you need to do is

call 03457 9-10 9-10. Or you can donate through

a simple text message. 100% of your donation

will go to Comic Relief. You must be 16 or over and please

ask the bill payer's permission. For full terms and conditions

and more information, please go And with Gift Aid, you can claim an

extra 25p. So please say yes because every penny makes a huge difference.

Hello, Billy Connelly here asking for your cash.

I've got cancer and Parkinson's, and I definitely need a

We've got people all over the UK older than me who

are really living tough lives, and I'd love you to help them.

One evening, she turned round and she looked at me

And the bottom dropped out of my world then.

This is Jo, she was diagnosed with dementia at just 57 years old.

It was a devastating discovery for her and her

And she said, unfortunately, you've got early-onset

And this is Margaret, struggling to cope with

the loss of her husband, the love of her life.

Where do you go when your soul mate, partner, lover, has gone?

And you, you amazing people out there.

Young, old, and somewhere in-between.

Your cash helps people like this, grand people whose life has

And I'd ask you tonight to do it again, or

Although if it's the first time watching Red Nose

Day, you probably don't even know me!

I'm the hilarious comedian with a weird

beard, who once took off all my clothes for Comic Relief.

What matters is you, tonight, at home, and this

amazing power to completely change someone's life.

I really hope you'll find it in your hearts to give

It'll be simple and marvellous and you'll be so proud of yourselves.

You can be part of a life-saving miracle tonight, if you can just

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. # That is very dangerous.

Are you going anywhere near Port Talbot?

I'm going to put on some music so that we can have

# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely...

# Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound

# Every now and then I get a little bit nervous...

# Every now and then I get a little bit terrified

# And then I see the look in your eyes

# Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight

# And I need you more than ever If you'd only hold me tight

# We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right

Are you gamers? They said I would meet famous people if I came here

today. Are you famous? Do you know Adele? Can I meet her? Adele is not

here. This is not about getting on the telly and being famous people.

Ed Sheeran is backstage. Izzy backstage? He is famous, but Ginger,

it don't really count. Everyone is here because they care about others

less well off and they want to do a little bit to make a difference. You

have contributed zero, don't know anyone and do nothing. Thank you.

The whole country has been watching you. What have you got to say for

yourself? Am I bothered? Am I bothered? Do you think I am

bothered? I don't care, mate. Look at my face, right? Is any part of me

bothered? Somebody call her parents. Look, says, bothered, I don't care.

Buzzards, phase, Red Nose Day, I ain't bothered, I don't care, I

don't bother. Ed Sheeran, baked beans, shave your head. I don't

care, I ain't bothered. You are in Harry Potter, innit? That will give

you a red nose. # God only knows what I would be

without you. # God only knows what I would be

without you. I'll get it. Who is it? He is not

going to believe that, it is March. They are raising money for Red Nose

Day. Not again. Give them a quid and tell them to go away.

# Silent night, holy night. # All is calm, all is white.

That is a nice idea. Yes, thank you, we are very happy.

Do you like the beard? I don't like it either.

Tomorrow is Red Nose Day and we hope everyone will be giving a little

cash to this great cause. Back in number ten after five years away and

here is a little song to loosen your loose change.

MUSIC: "Hotline Bling" by Drake.

# You got a reputation for yourself now

# Everybody knows and I feel left out...

# You started wearing less and goin' out more

# Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor

# Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before

How many times have I told you not to dance down the stairs?

When I hear that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing.

I liked it best when you worked for me.

So, Billy Mack, welcome back to the airwaves.

Billy, you have released a charity single, and it's a cover version

of the ZZ Top classic Gimme All Your Lovin'.

Yes, except we've changed the word "lovin'" to "money".

a wonderful charity supporting children.

No, the truth is, I like the kids who buy my records.

Even you must have noted how short and selfish they are.

I've got an autobiography coming out and I need a bit of publicity.

Billy, I see you haven't got your manager with you today.

Tell me, has he finally left you, after you being so rude about him?

Well, for giving an honest answer to a question.

That never happens here at Radio Watford.

Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.

OK, I probably asked you this last time you were here....

It's definitely one of the Kardashians.

Are you looking for anything in particular?

It'll be ready in the jiffiest of jiffies.

This is so much more than just a bag.

Do you remember the first time I drove you?

I remember looking at you and thinking,

I wished you could speak Portuguese, so I could tell you how I felt.

There was something about central heating, wasn't there?

By the way, very attractive turtleneck today.

Can we have rice with it this time, though?

I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.

And, of course, the yoghurt-coated raisins.

I know, I thought I'd give you a surprise visit.

The surprise is, you have to pay for my flight.

No, I'm just wearing high-heeled trainers.

I'm worried. You haven't been in touch.

I know, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind.

I can help you with money, you know. I'm loaded.

Well, it's more of a love thing, actually.

You should have had this sorted out ages ago.

the only person you've ever genuinely been in love with

was that cute, wee girl, the singer at school.

We met up in New York and, er, well, that's why we're here.

I was wondering if I could ask for your son's hand in marriage.

All you want for Christmas is this stringbean?

Prime Minister, what happened to your arm?

I fell down the stairs while dancing to Hotline Bling.

I believe it happened to Palmerston as well.

Yes, Prime Minister, when you came to power the first time,

You said that the power of good could finally win,

14 years later, do you still feel as upbeat?

Obviously, times for many people have got harder and people

And it's not just in politics that things are tough.

Usain Bolt has run his last Olympics.

The Harry Potter films have finished.

But let's look at the other side of the coin.

Metallica's new album is an absolute cracker.

And on a deeper level, I'm optimistic.

Wherever you see tragedy, you see bravery too.

Wherever you see ordinary people in need,

you see extraordinary ordinary people come to their aid.

Today's Red Nose Day, and people are giving their hard-earned cash

to people who they'll never meet, but whose pain and fear

So it's not just romantic love which is all around.

Most people still, every day, everywhere, have enough love

in their heart to help human beings in trouble.

Prime Minister, what do you think is the best

I want to talk about the famine that has been on the news recently. We

have been doing this a long time back in 1994, there was a horrible

famine in Ethiopia and Sudan and some bright spark said, I know, send

a bunch of comedians to help! Worst idea ever! I am so proud of

everything we have achieved together, Comic Relief is working to

give long-term change in gradually change entire communities for the

better. But sometimes, really big stuff happens which upsets an entire

country. Two years ago, we gave life-saving help when Ebola struck

in Africa and there is this crisis across four countries across Africa

now, it is real and very frightening. More than half the

population of Yemen is hungry, half a country. Tonight, 20 million

people do not know whether next meal is coming from, there is no food at

all, parents watching their children die of hunger before their eyes. Set

up Comic Relief after a famine and it is crazy not to give money to

night to help this intense emergency. You, the brilliant and

generous British public, have the power to save lives right now. If

you can part with money tonight and next week, we can reach families

literally starving to death. This is an opportunity right now to be part

of the news in a good way, to save a life tonight. Please, please, please

give what you can. You know the details, I will not say them again,

you can see how easy it is to do. Go online... Hit the donate button and

give what you can. Or pick up the phone and dialled... Or send a text.

Text yes. Welcome to Your Mum: a little game

that unearths a few embarrassing secrets about our hosts and,

more importantly, Romesh and his mum Shanti

m and Joel and Penny. For the sons and daughters

I will read out some statements made by your mum and you have to think

if it was your mum or one of the other mothers

by holding up your plate. On one side, it says my mum

and on the other, it says your mum. These are all absolutely true

facts your kids do not know about. Here we go, fact number one,

one of the mothers said this... I once caught my partner talking

to another woman, to get him back I used his toothbrush to clean

the entire house, sinks Was that your mum or one

of the other mums? That's such a maternal thing

to do, because you get revenge, but the house

is immaculate afterwards. Did you clean everything

with the toothbrush, the toilet? Don't know if you will still be

talking after this one. Which one of your mums had some fun

with an '80s pop star? I can tell you that the pop

star was Meatloaf. Sorry, sorry, hello, high! He

touched me! Hello! Nice! Lovely, a bit feminine, but lovely. The Sun,

what is going on, I am not sure Ed knows the Comic Relief rules, a

silly rule which I will stick by. It demands that the musical act, they

have to kiss with passion and considerable meaning, the tallest

host of tonight. It is a role. It is my first year, I don't know! Yes, it

is a rule, so... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. You have got

lit bomb on so... No, that is not fair! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. I just

remembered something, sorry, it is the tallest female hose that gets

the kiss! -- host. It's been over three years

since the outbreak of Ebola killed When was the last time

you went to school? I think that is going to happen, you

have got a beautiful voice! The thing preventing her getting her

dreams, she has not got a dad and it is up to her to bring in money. She

is only 12. Last thing I wanted this trip to be

was to be the celebrity who comes over to Africa and cries on TV

and says, "Send your money over." I really wanted to come and be like,

everything is positive, I don't know, just

singing with that girl... She was smiling and she just started

crying. Yeah, she just got really

choked up about it. I watch Comic Relief every single

year, and this is always I always think, no,

is it really that bad? Then I sort of turn

up and, yes, it is. That is just one story out here, it

was the smiley as the girl who came up to us. I have tried to speak to

so many and she is the smiley as and she has got that story, so God

This is the really important thing...

To send a girl like Peaches to school for a whole year is only ?45.

So please give what you can, you can completely change lives tonight,

thank you. Please welcome my next guest, Tom

Daley, the diver. Are you not hot? Yes, I am hot! So take it off! To

compare our bodies? That is a good idea! Right, OK, when we go to a

swimming pool, why do we have a shower, it is a big bat anyway!

Hygiene, bacteria, that kind of stuff. Do they put Blue Day into a

slim import to stop people being in them? No. It is a myth, I have been

holding it in for no reason? You probably should not be doing that

anyway! Mr perfect! The serious business, raising money for Africa,

if people pledge, you are happy to do a charity dive, I presume? Into

the hot tub? Yes, we will get you a dive chair. I cannot do that! Don't

you care about charity, Tom? Of course, but two feet of water, I

cannot do that! So why have we got a diver, anyone?! No, no! What was

that? Nothing. It had to be something. Somebody has said if I

take my top off, they will give money to charity. It is not

happening, all right? It is for a good cause. The dive was for a good

cause, Tom! It's all going to be very tasteful

and actually really sexy, OK? Now, I've only rented

this place for an hour, Come on, Ed, mate.

Trying to do a shoot here. Yeah, it's not all about you, Ed.

Jesus Christ. # We could change this

whole world with a piano # Grab a bass, some

guitar, add a beat # Everybody's talking

'bout exponential growth # And the stock market

crashing in their portfolios # While I'll be sitting

here with a song that I wrote Everybody, come follow we

Song that I wrote... And check out the stars

on my rogue MC My little kiddy

flight, you can tell I'm nonstop Dropping off

vinyls, merch and caps But first of all

you need electricity Don't worry, I'm on the case

Cos here he comes on the escalator It's a generator from

Brentford to Africa # Ain't got a soapbox

I can stand upon And I hold the microphone

like a lyrical gun # Daddy told

me, son, don't you get involved And when I'm on the mic

I'm lyrically cold... # Ain't got a soapbox

I can stand upon And I hold the microphone

like a lyrical gun # Daddy told

me, son, don't you get involved Cos when I'm on the

mic, I'm lyrically pure, Kuruption! And check out the stars

on my rogue MC Help me teach the

females how to wind Listen to the rhyme

and wind and deliver Don't be sad cos you

ain't had your dinner Just turn up the bass

and raise your gun finger Killing killing them

dressed like a militant Owning the mic on the

back of an elephant Listen to the UK G message

we spread On the Kurupt

FM, the rest are irrelevant I wanna be President

So all of the people can represent Turn your water into champers

And tell you it's original skankers I'm a lyrical panther

I'm in a pet now pamper Turn your water into

champers And tell you it's

original skankers... I mean, this is offensive,

this is offensive. Eddie, we've still got

the spear throwing scene. I'm a lyrical panther

I'm in a pet now pamper And tell you it's

original skankers... With your help, the number

of children dying from malaria each But malaria is still one

of the biggest killers Even though it is

preventable and treatable. This is the children's ward in one

of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most of the children

here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so consuming there

aren't enough beds to go around. She laughs, she cries and,

like many children of her age, Her mother, Mary,

is desperately poor. There aren't any malaria testing

kits in her village. So she's had no choice

but to walk for three hours, carrying her daughter

to the nearest hospital. All the time, her little girl's

blood was being destroyed Doctor Columbo is doing

everything he can to save her. If only Mtunduwatha had been

diagnosed even a day earlier, she might not now be fighting

for her life. ?30 you give would pay for 100

children to be diagnosed. # When I heard that sound, I was

thinking about # When my skin grows old and my bed

turns cold, I will be thinking about # The sadness from my heart

# Helpless I surrender shackled by your love their Mac holding you

quite near, poison on your lips, # Silence is so

hard # It is so hard.

# Turn around, you're holding on to someone

# It was almost love. #

Jonathan Ross, I have never interviewed you. And thank you very

much to what I think is the most important Slovak on the television.

It is a pleasure to be here. Good luck, Gordon. Thank you. I can peel

a banana with my feet. OK, let's do it. Where do you want it? Pull the

table out of the way. Here we go, oh, my God. It is like planet Earth.

My feet are bit sweaty! Oh, and there it is. Yes! Oh! David, David,

is the culprit in broad church sitting somewhere on this server?

Well, Lenny is looking a bit guilty. It must be weird walking around

knowing. I know. I feel hugely powerful. I do know because we have

filmed the end of the series. You did not know in the first series? We

had absolutely no idea, so when you are doing an interview seen you have

no idea or not. What was your special trick? Can you do it?

Basically I... I am going to try and do this. If anyone wants to try and

do it, I am probably going to fail. What is it called? It has no name,

you can name it if you want. This is Cara Delevingne doing something. Oh,

God. Oh! Oh, oh, oh. The concentration! That is incredible,

everyone. She is getting back up. We have had a great laugh tonight, but

I want to talk to you about something very serious. No one in

this century should die of hunger. It is nonsense and an obscenity. I

would like you to watch this film tonight.

This is divine, weighing just 4.5 kilos. His life is in danger.

He's got chubby cheeks, and every chance of a

And that's thanks to you, the money you raised to help

These are packed full of nutrients and are amazing

for malnourished children like Divine.

They're very often the difference between life and death.

Before we go, I have one bit of last business. It is the final hurdle. We

will see it on the screen. It will be rendered and revealed. The total

for tonight so far is... We have raised more money than we

anticipated. Millions in the last hour. Whilst these people were

having their psyches destroyed, more money was rolling in. Thank you very

much. Stay together, behave yourselves. Thanks, all of you, for

watching. Every time we ask you to give, you step up to the plate and

you never let us down. You are beautiful people in a glorious

world.