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It is March the 24th 2017, welcome to another great today here in
London town. Don't worry, it is Red Nose Day!
# Get crazy, shout are! # Chill out, relax, and give, go on,
dip into your --! # Comics all and new, rounding up
the talent who had nothing else to do...
# It's going to be a crazy night, no jokes about my height!
# Got a gorgeous twinkle in my eye...
# We will only stay for seven hours. # It will make you happy!
# Gangnam styled... # Had, sexy lady!
# You won't believe that we all showed up!
# A paradise... # We promise no pun is, just a night
of one! Are you joking?! # Just give to our good cause to
day! # So if you've got a quid, just give
it to a kid! # Don't be selfish on this Red Nose
Day fine! Friday night saw an incredible
night of comedy. # We are going to embrace chaos even
further! Up and down the country,
we shared laughter and shed tears. She was really smiling and she just
started crying. Your generosity has helped transform
the lives of people all over the world, as you dug
deep to raise... Shut up, Infinity, and no return!
From all of us at Comic Relief, we want to say thank you,
as we bring you the highlights from a very special
Please welcome Jonathan Ross and Sir Lenny Henry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Welcome to the only show that needs a government health warning, we live
and of rehearsals are anything to go by, we will get into a lot of
trouble with the BBC! It will be will wed the ban if we can raise a
huge amount of money, are you with me?
Yes! # Got your lipstick mark
still on your coffee cup # In the twist of separation
You excelled at being free # Can't you find a little
room inside for me? # Whatever I said, whatever
I did, I didn't mean it # Want you back, want you
back, want you back for good # Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me
the song and I'll sing it # Want you back, want you
back, want you back for good #. Now, you guys have never
tried to make it here, but was there ever a point
where you thought about We had this hilarious
meeting in London. These two guys from the New York
record company flew in, and they literally spent an hour
telling us, "We're going to do this, We'll go to Vegas and
do this radio thing. And then we'll hit them
with marketing in New York and do And what do you think,
after an hour, full-on? The silence went down the line
until it got to Howard. I think you've just got
to get the word out. Will you listen to the music,
and play it for friends? Tweet it, Instagram it,
do the whole thing, OK? Your wives will love it,
your kids will love it. What are you going
to tell people, sir? They are the biggest group
in the world and we just met them! Excuse me, gents,
are you music fans? I feel like we've got
the word out there. Are there any customers in there
that are interested in new music? This is our first big
store performance, OK? This is going back to the days
of Woolworths and Our Price. This is the stuff
that breaks people. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Take That! Ladies and gentlemen,
for their first performance as TT3 in Los Angeles,
please welcome Take That! # When the time grew
near for me to show my love # Hiding from a word
I need to hear now # But the nights were
always warm with you # But the morning
always comes too soon # Hoping that I'll be a part
of you again someday... Ladies and gentlemen,
that was Take That! Tell your friends,
tell your friends! Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go! Tell you what, guys, it's small
steps, but we're making inroads. Is there anything like
us out here, James? All you need to do is
call 03457 9-10 9-10. Or you can donate through
a simple text message. 100% of your donation
will go to Comic Relief. You must be 16 or over and please
ask the bill payer's permission. For full terms and conditions
and more information, please go And with Gift Aid, you can claim an
extra 25p. So please say yes because every penny makes a huge difference.
Hello, Billy Connelly here asking for your cash.
I've got cancer and Parkinson's, and I definitely need a
We've got people all over the UK older than me who
are really living tough lives, and I'd love you to help them.
One evening, she turned round and she looked at me
And the bottom dropped out of my world then.
This is Jo, she was diagnosed with dementia at just 57 years old.
It was a devastating discovery for her and her
And she said, unfortunately, you've got early-onset
And this is Margaret, struggling to cope with
the loss of her husband, the love of her life.
Where do you go when your soul mate, partner, lover, has gone?
And you, you amazing people out there.
Young, old, and somewhere in-between.
Your cash helps people like this, grand people whose life has
And I'd ask you tonight to do it again, or
Although if it's the first time watching Red Nose
Day, you probably don't even know me!
I'm the hilarious comedian with a weird
beard, who once took off all my clothes for Comic Relief.
What matters is you, tonight, at home, and this
amazing power to completely change someone's life.
I really hope you'll find it in your hearts to give
It'll be simple and marvellous and you'll be so proud of yourselves.
You can be part of a life-saving miracle tonight, if you can just
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. # That is very dangerous.
Are you going anywhere near Port Talbot?
I'm going to put on some music so that we can have
# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely...
# Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound
# Every now and then I get a little bit nervous...
# Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
# And then I see the look in your eyes
# Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight
# And I need you more than ever If you'd only hold me tight
# We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right
Are you gamers? They said I would meet famous people if I came here
today. Are you famous? Do you know Adele? Can I meet her? Adele is not
here. This is not about getting on the telly and being famous people.
Ed Sheeran is backstage. Izzy backstage? He is famous, but Ginger,
it don't really count. Everyone is here because they care about others
less well off and they want to do a little bit to make a difference. You
have contributed zero, don't know anyone and do nothing. Thank you.
The whole country has been watching you. What have you got to say for
yourself? Am I bothered? Am I bothered? Do you think I am
bothered? I don't care, mate. Look at my face, right? Is any part of me
bothered? Somebody call her parents. Look, says, bothered, I don't care.
Buzzards, phase, Red Nose Day, I ain't bothered, I don't care, I
don't bother. Ed Sheeran, baked beans, shave your head. I don't
care, I ain't bothered. You are in Harry Potter, innit? That will give
you a red nose. # God only knows what I would be
without you. # God only knows what I would be
without you. I'll get it. Who is it? He is not
going to believe that, it is March. They are raising money for Red Nose
Day. Not again. Give them a quid and tell them to go away.
# Silent night, holy night. # All is calm, all is white.
That is a nice idea. Yes, thank you, we are very happy.
Do you like the beard? I don't like it either.
Tomorrow is Red Nose Day and we hope everyone will be giving a little
cash to this great cause. Back in number ten after five years away and
here is a little song to loosen your loose change.
MUSIC: "Hotline Bling" by Drake.
# You got a reputation for yourself now
# Everybody knows and I feel left out...
# You started wearing less and goin' out more
# Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor
# Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before
How many times have I told you not to dance down the stairs?
When I hear that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing.
I liked it best when you worked for me.
So, Billy Mack, welcome back to the airwaves.
Billy, you have released a charity single, and it's a cover version
of the ZZ Top classic Gimme All Your Lovin'.
Yes, except we've changed the word "lovin'" to "money".
a wonderful charity supporting children.
No, the truth is, I like the kids who buy my records.
Even you must have noted how short and selfish they are.
I've got an autobiography coming out and I need a bit of publicity.
Billy, I see you haven't got your manager with you today.
Tell me, has he finally left you, after you being so rude about him?
Well, for giving an honest answer to a question.
That never happens here at Radio Watford.
Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.
OK, I probably asked you this last time you were here....
It's definitely one of the Kardashians.
Are you looking for anything in particular?
It'll be ready in the jiffiest of jiffies.
This is so much more than just a bag.
Do you remember the first time I drove you?
I remember looking at you and thinking,
I wished you could speak Portuguese, so I could tell you how I felt.
There was something about central heating, wasn't there?
By the way, very attractive turtleneck today.
Can we have rice with it this time, though?
I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.
And, of course, the yoghurt-coated raisins.
I know, I thought I'd give you a surprise visit.
The surprise is, you have to pay for my flight.
No, I'm just wearing high-heeled trainers.
I'm worried. You haven't been in touch.
I know, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind.
I can help you with money, you know. I'm loaded.
Well, it's more of a love thing, actually.
You should have had this sorted out ages ago.
the only person you've ever genuinely been in love with
was that cute, wee girl, the singer at school.
We met up in New York and, er, well, that's why we're here.
I was wondering if I could ask for your son's hand in marriage.
All you want for Christmas is this stringbean?
Prime Minister, what happened to your arm?
I fell down the stairs while dancing to Hotline Bling.
I believe it happened to Palmerston as well.
Yes, Prime Minister, when you came to power the first time,
You said that the power of good could finally win,
14 years later, do you still feel as upbeat?
Obviously, times for many people have got harder and people
And it's not just in politics that things are tough.
Usain Bolt has run his last Olympics.
The Harry Potter films have finished.
But let's look at the other side of the coin.
Metallica's new album is an absolute cracker.
And on a deeper level, I'm optimistic.
Wherever you see tragedy, you see bravery too.
Wherever you see ordinary people in need,
you see extraordinary ordinary people come to their aid.
Today's Red Nose Day, and people are giving their hard-earned cash
to people who they'll never meet, but whose pain and fear
So it's not just romantic love which is all around.
Most people still, every day, everywhere, have enough love
in their heart to help human beings in trouble.
Prime Minister, what do you think is the best
I want to talk about the famine that has been on the news recently. We
have been doing this a long time back in 1994, there was a horrible
famine in Ethiopia and Sudan and some bright spark said, I know, send
a bunch of comedians to help! Worst idea ever! I am so proud of
everything we have achieved together, Comic Relief is working to
give long-term change in gradually change entire communities for the
better. But sometimes, really big stuff happens which upsets an entire
country. Two years ago, we gave life-saving help when Ebola struck
in Africa and there is this crisis across four countries across Africa
now, it is real and very frightening. More than half the
population of Yemen is hungry, half a country. Tonight, 20 million
people do not know whether next meal is coming from, there is no food at
all, parents watching their children die of hunger before their eyes. Set
up Comic Relief after a famine and it is crazy not to give money to
night to help this intense emergency. You, the brilliant and
generous British public, have the power to save lives right now. If
you can part with money tonight and next week, we can reach families
literally starving to death. This is an opportunity right now to be part
of the news in a good way, to save a life tonight. Please, please, please
give what you can. You know the details, I will not say them again,
you can see how easy it is to do. Go online... Hit the donate button and
give what you can. Or pick up the phone and dialled... Or send a text.
Text yes. Welcome to Your Mum: a little game
that unearths a few embarrassing secrets about our hosts and,
more importantly, Romesh and his mum Shanti
m and Joel and Penny. For the sons and daughters
I will read out some statements made by your mum and you have to think
if it was your mum or one of the other mothers
by holding up your plate. On one side, it says my mum
and on the other, it says your mum. These are all absolutely true
facts your kids do not know about. Here we go, fact number one,
one of the mothers said this... I once caught my partner talking
to another woman, to get him back I used his toothbrush to clean
the entire house, sinks Was that your mum or one
of the other mums? That's such a maternal thing
to do, because you get revenge, but the house
is immaculate afterwards. Did you clean everything
with the toothbrush, the toilet? Don't know if you will still be
talking after this one. Which one of your mums had some fun
with an '80s pop star? I can tell you that the pop
star was Meatloaf. Sorry, sorry, hello, high! He
touched me! Hello! Nice! Lovely, a bit feminine, but lovely. The Sun,
what is going on, I am not sure Ed knows the Comic Relief rules, a
silly rule which I will stick by. It demands that the musical act, they
have to kiss with passion and considerable meaning, the tallest
host of tonight. It is a role. It is my first year, I don't know! Yes, it
is a rule, so... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. You have got
lit bomb on so... No, that is not fair! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. I just
remembered something, sorry, it is the tallest female hose that gets
the kiss! -- host. It's been over three years
since the outbreak of Ebola killed When was the last time
you went to school? I think that is going to happen, you
have got a beautiful voice! The thing preventing her getting her
dreams, she has not got a dad and it is up to her to bring in money. She
is only 12. Last thing I wanted this trip to be
was to be the celebrity who comes over to Africa and cries on TV
and says, "Send your money over." I really wanted to come and be like,
everything is positive, I don't know, just
singing with that girl... She was smiling and she just started
crying. Yeah, she just got really
choked up about it. I watch Comic Relief every single
year, and this is always I always think, no,
is it really that bad? Then I sort of turn
up and, yes, it is. That is just one story out here, it
was the smiley as the girl who came up to us. I have tried to speak to
so many and she is the smiley as and she has got that story, so God
This is the really important thing...
To send a girl like Peaches to school for a whole year is only ?45.
So please give what you can, you can completely change lives tonight,
thank you. Please welcome my next guest, Tom
Daley, the diver. Are you not hot? Yes, I am hot! So take it off! To
compare our bodies? That is a good idea! Right, OK, when we go to a
swimming pool, why do we have a shower, it is a big bat anyway!
Hygiene, bacteria, that kind of stuff. Do they put Blue Day into a
slim import to stop people being in them? No. It is a myth, I have been
holding it in for no reason? You probably should not be doing that
anyway! Mr perfect! The serious business, raising money for Africa,
if people pledge, you are happy to do a charity dive, I presume? Into
the hot tub? Yes, we will get you a dive chair. I cannot do that! Don't
you care about charity, Tom? Of course, but two feet of water, I
cannot do that! So why have we got a diver, anyone?! No, no! What was
that? Nothing. It had to be something. Somebody has said if I
take my top off, they will give money to charity. It is not
happening, all right? It is for a good cause. The dive was for a good
cause, Tom! It's all going to be very tasteful
and actually really sexy, OK? Now, I've only rented
this place for an hour, Come on, Ed, mate.
Trying to do a shoot here. Yeah, it's not all about you, Ed.
Jesus Christ. # We could change this
whole world with a piano # Grab a bass, some
guitar, add a beat # Everybody's talking
'bout exponential growth # And the stock market
crashing in their portfolios # While I'll be sitting
here with a song that I wrote Everybody, come follow we
Song that I wrote... And check out the stars
on my rogue MC My little kiddy
flight, you can tell I'm nonstop Dropping off
vinyls, merch and caps But first of all
you need electricity Don't worry, I'm on the case
Cos here he comes on the escalator It's a generator from
Brentford to Africa # Ain't got a soapbox
I can stand upon And I hold the microphone
like a lyrical gun # Daddy told
me, son, don't you get involved And when I'm on the mic
I'm lyrically cold... # Ain't got a soapbox
I can stand upon And I hold the microphone
like a lyrical gun # Daddy told
me, son, don't you get involved Cos when I'm on the
mic, I'm lyrically pure, Kuruption! And check out the stars
on my rogue MC Help me teach the
females how to wind Listen to the rhyme
and wind and deliver Don't be sad cos you
ain't had your dinner Just turn up the bass
and raise your gun finger Killing killing them
dressed like a militant Owning the mic on the
back of an elephant Listen to the UK G message
we spread On the Kurupt
FM, the rest are irrelevant I wanna be President
So all of the people can represent Turn your water into champers
And tell you it's original skankers I'm a lyrical panther
I'm in a pet now pamper Turn your water into
champers And tell you it's
original skankers... I mean, this is offensive,
this is offensive. Eddie, we've still got
the spear throwing scene. I'm a lyrical panther
I'm in a pet now pamper And tell you it's
original skankers... With your help, the number
of children dying from malaria each But malaria is still one
of the biggest killers Even though it is
preventable and treatable. This is the children's ward in one
of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most of the children
here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so consuming there
aren't enough beds to go around. She laughs, she cries and,
like many children of her age, Her mother, Mary,
is desperately poor. There aren't any malaria testing
kits in her village. So she's had no choice
but to walk for three hours, carrying her daughter
to the nearest hospital. All the time, her little girl's
blood was being destroyed Doctor Columbo is doing
everything he can to save her. If only Mtunduwatha had been
diagnosed even a day earlier, she might not now be fighting
for her life. ?30 you give would pay for 100
children to be diagnosed. # When I heard that sound, I was
thinking about # When my skin grows old and my bed
turns cold, I will be thinking about # The sadness from my heart
# Helpless I surrender shackled by your love their Mac holding you
quite near, poison on your lips, # Silence is so
hard # It is so hard.
# Turn around, you're holding on to someone
# It was almost love. #
Jonathan Ross, I have never interviewed you. And thank you very
much to what I think is the most important Slovak on the television.
It is a pleasure to be here. Good luck, Gordon. Thank you. I can peel
a banana with my feet. OK, let's do it. Where do you want it? Pull the
table out of the way. Here we go, oh, my God. It is like planet Earth.
My feet are bit sweaty! Oh, and there it is. Yes! Oh! David, David,
is the culprit in broad church sitting somewhere on this server?
Well, Lenny is looking a bit guilty. It must be weird walking around
knowing. I know. I feel hugely powerful. I do know because we have
filmed the end of the series. You did not know in the first series? We
had absolutely no idea, so when you are doing an interview seen you have
no idea or not. What was your special trick? Can you do it?
Basically I... I am going to try and do this. If anyone wants to try and
do it, I am probably going to fail. What is it called? It has no name,
you can name it if you want. This is Cara Delevingne doing something. Oh,
God. Oh! Oh, oh, oh. The concentration! That is incredible,
everyone. She is getting back up. We have had a great laugh tonight, but
I want to talk to you about something very serious. No one in
this century should die of hunger. It is nonsense and an obscenity. I
would like you to watch this film tonight.
This is divine, weighing just 4.5 kilos. His life is in danger.
He's got chubby cheeks, and every chance of a
And that's thanks to you, the money you raised to help
These are packed full of nutrients and are amazing
for malnourished children like Divine.
They're very often the difference between life and death.
Before we go, I have one bit of last business. It is the final hurdle. We
will see it on the screen. It will be rendered and revealed. The total
for tonight so far is... We have raised more money than we
anticipated. Millions in the last hour. Whilst these people were
having their psyches destroyed, more money was rolling in. Thank you very
much. Stay together, behave yourselves. Thanks, all of you, for
watching. Every time we ask you to give, you step up to the plate and
you never let us down. You are beautiful people in a glorious