'Twas the Thanks after Red Nose Day Comic Relief

PHONE RINGING

Sally Phillips speaking.

-Hi, it's me, Lenny.

-No, it's not!

-What?

-Don't you mean it's Sir Lenny?

Yes, good point, I don't want

the Queen giving me grief on Twitter again,

you know what she's like.

-IMPERSONATES QUEEN:

-Hashtag we are not amused!

That is so her! So, what's up?

Well, I'm making a Comic Relief telly show next week.

It's been a little while since the big event in March,

and I wanted to let everybody know what we've been doing with the

astonishing £82 million that they raised.

Yeah, it's incredible, isn't it?

It really is. So, this is the show.

There's going to be some amazing films about how all the generous

donations have been hard at work.

One you'll particularly like,

actually, about a very special choir.

And, of course, I've got some brilliant comedy highlights

from Red Nose Day lined up, too.

Anyway, you can probably guess what's coming next.

I've been carefully selecting who will get to host the show.

And...I'd like you to do it.

Yes, but what but everybody else from the big night?

All the rest of the gang? Don't they mind me hogging the limelight?

Oh, they're professionals, Sally, they're not jealous or anything.

They've all promised to send in props and all sorts to help you out.

-That's so sweet.

-Yes, and on the plus side,

all you've got to do is turn up.

They've taken care of everything.

Taken care of everything, eh?!

What's that saying? Too many cooks spoil the old...

Thingo. It's like everything's not quite ready yet.

OK, welcome to the show.

And while I try and locate the

glamorous festive outfit that those guys

have supposedly prepared for me, or

indeed, you know, somewhere to sit,

or the entire set, actually,

here's a reminder of the fun we had on Red Nose Day earlier this year.

Red Nose Day 2017, make some noise!

Thank you!

More chaos could be unleashed at any moment.

Bothered?!

I'm not taking my top off!

You with me?

£16,760,548!

Shut up! Infinity and no return!

So, a slug says to a snail, what's that on your back?

And the snail says, that's Michelle.

We've got 24 hours of this!

£48,267,348!

Saving young people's lives,

I've got goose bumps just talking about it.

I'll be attempting to fill the longest chat show sofa in history.

Look at that!

Wowsers!

It's a place to, like, build you, to make you a better human.

Well, the song, yeah, is about

-bringing garage to Africa.

-Yeah, yeah.

You seem pretty stressed.

I'm in a hot tub with a bizarre collection of guests!

Which one...?

£71 million!

What a journey it's been!

I just wanted to do something big!

I didn't want to be on top of the O2 in a hot tub!

Yeah, it's a nice idea, Graham,

but I think today of all days a small chair would have sufficed.

Oh, hello, hi.

As you can see, we're still not quite ready.

But in the meantime, I'd like to show you a very unique film.

You know, they say that if you're

going to do a mahoosive musical number,

it's really important that you get yourself some musicians.

And, you know, probably some singers.

And most definitely some people who can dance.

But that's not how we do things on Red Nose Day.

Oh, no, siree!

Yes, you just take a look here

at perhaps our most ambitious opening number ever.

That's right, it's Ha Ha Land.

It's March the 24th, 2017.

Welcome to another grey day here in London town.

Hey, but don't worry, it's Red Nose Day.

# A brand-new Red Nose Day

# It's time to bring the goofballs out

# Get crazy, shout, "Hooray!"

# We need to persuade you not to go out on the lash

# Chill out, relax and give some cash

# Go on, dip into your stash

# They've got comics old and new

# And rounded up the talent who had sod all else to do

# So we jumped into our cars and now we're here at the O2

# It's going to be a crazy night

# No jokes about my height!

# The night is young

# And so am I

# Got a gorgeous twinkle in my eye Don't feel dismayed

# We'll only stay for seven hours

# A cavalcade of comic folk

# Each one with a different joke

# An epic night will make you happy

# Woop, woop, Gangnam style

# Hey, sexy lady

# Woop, woop, woop, Gangnam style

# Hey, sexy lady

# Woop, woop!

# You won't believe that we all showed up

# To fill your cup with Red Nose glee

# A paradise of pros

# As hilarious humour flows

# But we promise no puns, no puns

# Not one pun, just another night of fun... #

BHANGRA BEAT DROPS

Are you joking?

# Give it up

# Who cares about awards?

# Just give to a good cause today

# So if you've got a quid

# Just give it to a kid

# Don't be a selfish git

# On this Red Nose Day of fun

# Another Red Nose Day of fun! #

You liked that one!

Yes, well, it won't surprise you to learn that

immediately after that was broadcast,

the whole of Theatreland went into meltdown.

We were inundated with requests.

Yes, to please, please never attempt anything similar ever again.

Oh, no, hang on here, this is quite exciting.

This is my backdrop from...

..the movie star Warwick Davies.

A personal friend.

The backdrop from one of his films.

I hope it's Get Santa. I love that movie.

..and Willow is also an excellent film.

Be kind, Sally, be kind.

The film Willow is less festive,

but we are just extremely grateful

that an actor of Warwick's calibre was prepared

to get involved. It's the thought that counts, after all.

Yes, so I'm just going to carry on.

I'm going to sort through these boxes.

But I don't want to hold you up.

So, in the meanwhile,

let's just have a look at what

your hard work means for change in the UK.

And now, over to Carol in the weather studio.

What on Earth?!

Unfortunately, Carol couldn't make it today.

But we have some very important

Comic Relief updates to talk about instead.

And rest assured, Carol is totally fine with us standing in...

CAROL'S MUFFLED CRIES

..and she's really chuffed that I borrowed one of her lovely dresses.

Silk! It's real silk!

It's well posh!

Yes, of course it's urgent.

I should be on right now!

I need to tell you a bit about

what's been going on since the wonderful

Red Nose Day earlier on this year.

Your hard work and generous donations

have been helping people around the world,

and right here in the UK.

So, let's take a closer look.

Where is it? Ah-ha!

Here we go!

Right, sorry.

Oh, look! Nice.

Let's see. God, Carol makes it look so easy!

Aha, yes. Now, what we're seeing

here is the amazing news that since last Red Nose Day,

Comic Relief have already made over 1,000 grants to projects

in the United Kingdom.

And as you can see, there's an

enormous warm fuzzy generous front sweeping

right across England.

It's a lovely onshore breeze, which,

following Red Nose Day earlier this year,

has driven a whopping £4,650,486

to be spent on 820 grants in England.

And also, since Red Nose Day earlier this year,

we've seen that lovely front is pushing right up to Scotland,

which has received 88 grants from an amazing £3,443,071.

Now, westerly...

Hang on...

Never eat shredded wheat...

Westerly, that's it.

You can see 86 projects in Wales have received a fantastic £132,990

following all your hard work from the last Red Nose Day.

And across in Northern Ireland, we find a similar story.

Since March, when everyone went Red Nose crazy,

we can see exciting patches of grants -

58, to be precise -

worth £460,875,

spreading all across here.

So don't forget your brollies!

Because we're going to get some donation downpours.

What? I was just trying to liven it up a bit.

OK, fine, fine.

Bet Carol's allowed to.

This is ridiculous!

I was on Strictly, for goodness' sake.

And we can see an additional eight grants, totalling £471,740, which,

since Red Nose Day 2017, are working across the whole of the UK.

That means a total of over £6,085,000

has already been helping people across the UK.

Your generous donations are making such a huge difference to so many

people's lives. It's making a huge difference to older people's lives.

It gives help and support to people like Jo,

who is living with early-onset dementia.

It also offers comfort and companionship for people like Derek,

who lost a loved one to this illness.

Your money also provides services

for people living with mental-health problems.

This means more projects like the Wish Centre,

which helped Kath through a difficult period.

Or support groups for people like Zara,

who was offered counselling after the loss of her husband.

In fact, Comic Relief funding is so vital to so many UK projects,

more than likely you will know someone who has benefited directly.

-DOORKNOB RATTLING

-So, from all of us...

Oh, she's coming, she's coming!

There was going to be a big thank-you finale,

but there's not really...

Oh, leg it!

Sorry, Carol.

I'm having your clicker!

Oi, Sara, get back here.

Ah, finally.

Where were we?

Yes, Red Nose Day didn't just happen at the O2 this year.

We have things going on all over the world

with some of the planet's biggest stars.

So, while I just pop this on,

why don't you take a journey to Los Angeles, California,

where James Corden

seems to have picked up some rather tuneful hitchhikers?

# I guess now it's time

# For me to give up

# I feel it's time

# I got a picture of you beside me

# Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup

# Oh, yeah

# In the twist of separation

# You excelled at being free

-# Can't you find

-Can't you find

# A little room inside for me? #

Nice.

-# Whatever I said

-Whatever I

# Whatever I did, I didn't mean it

# I just want you back for good

# I want you back... #

Really?

# I want you back for good

# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it

# You'll be right and understood

# I want you back, I want you back for good... #

Now, you guys have never tried to make it here.

But was there ever a point where you thought about...

..trying to break America?

We had this hilarious meeting in London.

These two guys from...

..the New York record company flew in,

and they literally spent an hour telling us we're going to do this,

we're going to go to these states,

we're going to go to Vegas and do

this radio thing and then we're going to

hit the marketing in New York and do all these chat shows...

And what do you think?

After an hour, full-on?

And the sort of silence went down the line until it got to Howard.

-And he went...

-"Can't be...

-HONK."

-Are you serious?!

-Honestly.

I mean, I would have probably gone for it...

But I feel like you could still...

I just think you've got to get the word out.

But how we going to do that?

-Hi...

-I love you!

Well, it's not about me, this is Take That.

Take That, have you ever heard of Take That?

Will you listen to the music?

Play it for your friends.

Take that CD. Tweet it, Instagram it, do the whole thing, OK?

Yes, there we go. All right, it's huge, it's huge.

This is Take That, take a CD.

Your wives will love it, your kids will love it.

What sort of music are you into?

How do you even know what it is?!

You don't even know what it is!

What are you going to tell people, Sir?

That's exactly right!

It is slow but short, slow but short.

Here we go, in we go. Excuse me, gents, are you music fans?

Yes.

# It only takes a minute, girl

# To fall in love

# To fall in love. #

What else have we got?

# Do what you like!

# Do what you like! #

With the choreography, Gary!

# Do what you like... #

Here we go. Hello. Is there any

customers in there that are interested in new music?

-Yes.

-Let's get in there!

Now, listen, guys. Gather in.

This is our first big store performance, OK?

This is going back to the days of Woolworths and Our Price.

This is it. This is the stuff that breaks people, OK?

OK. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Take That!

OK, here they are, yes.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for their first performance,

as TT3 in Los Angeles, please welcome, Take That!

# When the time grew near... #

That's right, Gary.

# For me to show my love

# The longer I stayed away for

# Hiding from a word I need to hear now

# Don't think I'll hear it again

# Don't think I'll hear it again

# But the nights were always warm with you

# Just holding you right by my side

# Right by my side

# But the morning always comes too soon

# Ay, ay

# Before I even close my eyes... #

OK, everybody, up you get.

# All I do each night is pray

# Hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday... #

Right, get back, get back, get back.

Go, go, get out of here!

Ladies and gentlemen, that was Take That.

Tell your friends, let's go, let's go.

Well, I'll tell you what, guys, it's small steps, but these are inroads.

We're making inroads, aren't we?

Did you see? People were alive.

Is there anything like us out here, James?

I don't feel like there is.

There's a reason for that!

I don't want to do it! I look awful.

I look ridiculous.

No, I don't care! I don't care if

Greg Davies stitched it himself with his

actual medical-grade giant thumbs, I'm not wearing it.

You can't do this to a middle-aged woman!

You can't! I look like I've really let my elf go.

It's not funny! It's not...

It's not funny!

It's not just celebrities and lovely people like you who joined forces to

raise money for Red Nose Day.

On the night, Rob Brydon revealed

how the animals have got caught up in all the excitement

and tried to help as well.

For the very first time,

the animal kingdom is putting its weight behind Red Nose Day.

This three-toed Pygmy sloth is

midway through a sponsored triathlon,

and setting an impressive pace.

He only started in February.

Waiting to help him through the third stage is Sir Bradley Wiggins.

The sloth won't reach him until sometime next year, which is fine.

He was more of a Sport Relief booking anyway.

Everyone in the animal kingdom is involved.

These locusts are being sponsored to eat an entire lawn.

They promised the council there would only be ten of them,

but Ian made it a public event on Facebook, and now there's loads.

This magnificent act of mass kindness

has raised over £321 for Comic Relief.

And left this neighbourhood completely barren.

2,000 miles away,

these lions are raising money by competing in a half-marathon.

Now, that may look like a giraffe.

It's actually a lion in a novelty giraffe costume.

Like all novelty costumes used in the animal world,

there are no eyeholes,

as, without opposable thumbs,

it's impossible for the lion to use scissors.

That's the third spectator he's hit this mile.

Here, a group of adult male langurs is taking part in a sponsored

re-enactment of The Bourne Identity.

All for Red Nose Day.

These flamingos are going to extraordinary lengths,

but have sadly forgotten to get the correct sponsorship forms.

So it's all been a tragic waste of time.

This is an exclusive preview of

Animal Let's Sing And Dance For Comic Relief.

Like Human Let's Sing And Dance For Comic Relief,

you'll notice these bears aren't very good at dancing.

That's because, to the animal world, they're celebrity bears.

Here's Teddy Flintoff, who tonight

is up against Mary Beary.

Impressive twerk, Mary.

So, time now for another look at the

incredible ways lives are being

changed thanks to you.

Earlier this year, Russell Howard

visited a brother and sister whose lives

were just about to change for the better.

Aman and Princess, like so many children in Liberia,

had their lives torn apart by the Ebola crisis.

During the outbreak, their father was treating Ebola patients,

but then got the virus himself.

He lost his life saving other people.

Without enough money for school,

Princess and Aman spend their days

helping with the housework and looking

after their younger sister.

Their dream of an education was over.

Today, Aman and Princess are going back to school.

And that is all because of you.

It's amazing, the money you've given has let Aman and Princess and

countless other children throughout Liberia

fulfil their dream and get back to school.

How you feeling?

Are you excited? Are you happy?

-I'm happy.

-Great. Big smile.

They're excited to learn, have an education,

and improve their lives.

Did you hear that?

Thank you, Aman, he just got his maths question right.

He's back at school, because of the donations you made.

And it doesn't stop there.

Since last Red Nose Day,

your money has been hard at work in

some of the world's poorest countries,

in all sort of ways.

You've been keeping children healthy and in education,

delivering babies safely and looking after mums.

You've helped start businesses and train teachers,

provide decent toilets and homes for people in slums.

Projects all over the world have

been hard at work using your donations well.

Thank you.

You are saving and changing lives.

Now, people often ask me, how do things get done at the BBC?

Sorry, people often ask me,

how does anything get done at the BBC?

And watching this W1A Red Nose Special, you will understand why.

It's another sunny day at the BBC.

And Head of Values Ian Fletcher is

meeting his in-house marketing guru to discuss a very exciting project.

So, apparently Red Nose Day is back.

Cool. I love Red Nose Day.

-We love poor people.

-Yes,

so Comic Relief have asked if we could maybe help this year.

-Comic Relief? So, like, what is that?

-Right.

Like, I don't even know what that is.

No, so Comic Relief is the charity that actually invented Red Nose Day.

OK, cool. So that's like, who knew?

Yes, so, anyway, we've been asked if

-we can help with a bit of a reboot of the show.

-OK, cool.

Red Boot Day. Red Toes Day?

No, apparently the big thing this

year is that it will actually be funny.

OK, yeah, that could work.

So the thinking was that as Head of Brand you could perhaps...

-Sure.

-You know, you could take it on and come back with some ideas.

-We love ideas.

-Yes.

-Brown Nose Day.

-No.

This is going to be so much fun.

Right, yes.

Back at the ranch, some of the

finest creative minds have come together to

crack this particular walnut.

OK, like, so, you get sponsored to

swap clothes with somebody else for a day.

-OK, I don't get that.

-So maybe you wear, like, your mother's clothes.

-Cool.

-Yeah, finally.

-I don't get it.

-What does she wear?

-No, no, she wears someone else's.

-Yeah.

-OK, that's too complicated.

-Do another one.

-So, like,

you get sponsored to let people lick stuff off you for a day.

-Eww.

-No, but you get, like, this flavour...

-Not going to happen.

-Peanut butter.

-Do another one.

OK, so, like, secret selfie.

-OK.

-Secret selfie?

-Yeah.

-Cool.

Take a picture of yourself and post it on social media or whatever,

and then people have to pay to guess who it is.

-That's a no-brainer. We love the secret selfie.

-Cool.

So, in terms of the Red Nose Day merchandise, Siobhan.

-Sure.

-Where are we up to?

No, sure, OK, so what we're doing here is...

We're putting the T back into poverty.

-Right, brilliant.

-What?

So this is like a pover-tee.

In case that doesn't fly for any reason...

OK, no, sure, cool.

So this one we love.

-Right, OK.

-Ah, now...

-So this is like the enormit-tee.

-The enormity?

-So, Red Nose Day is huge.

-Yes, fabulous.

-It's a no-brainer.

-Yes, it feels

like we're getting close to, you know, closer to something here.

So this one's pretty out there, OK.

-Right.

-This is so cool.

-Right.

-OK.

This is the obsceni-tee.

Yes, that's very good.

With the big day fast approaching,

it seems like the right moment to

fly the big thoughts up the flagpole and

share them with a very special guest.

I mean, I don't think we actually

-have to wear these for this, Siobhan.

-Excuse me?

-I agree, yes.

In fact, I think I'll go nose-free if that's OK.

Oh, this one is much better.

-Brilliant.

-Fabulous.

Also, guys, not being funny or anything, but before he gets there,

can I just ask, how do we actually address him?

Well, yes.

-Brilliant, Tracey.

-Your Lordship or whatever.

-What?

-Your Lordship?

-Sure.

-No, Siobhan, he hasn't been made...

-KNOCKING

-Oh, OK.

Yes, so, this is Henry.

Right.

-Lenny.

-Yeah, no, Lenny.

Cool.

Here's the thing with this, this is, what it is...

This is going to be the biggest Red Nose Day ever, right.

-Brilliant.

-Well, let's hope.

-No, not a question, it is.

-Right.

So, in terms of things for you on the night itself,

Siobhan's been doing...

You are so going to love this.

-Brilliant.

-Right.

-Oh, right, OK, here we go.

OK, so what we've done is we've gone lateral, OK?

-Brilliant.

-Lateral?

-Put it on.

-I'm not wearing that, OK?

So you haven't actually gone lateral, Siobhan.

-You've gone literal.

-Excuse me?

The biggest Red Nose Day ever, the biggest Red Nose.

OK, you can totally see out the nostrils.

-I don't care.

-So, the thinking is, instead of Lord Lenny,

it's like Lord Nose.

-Right.

-Right, no.

-Lord Nose.

-I'm not wearing that, OK?

He's not a Lord, Siobhan.

-I'm sorry.

-He is a Sir.

-Yes, I'm not a Lord, I'm not an idiot,

and I'm not doing it.

Right, OK, well, it's good to have clarity on this.

-Brilliant.

-Is it?

-So that's all good.

No, brilliant, Lenny, really.

-Brilliant.

-Brilliant.

Now we have a wonderful reminder of

when one of our greatest minds allowed

us to try and change his life.

Renowned scientist and occasional

sitcom star Stephen Hawking has used the

same trademark voice for over 30 years.

This year, he decided it was time for a change.

As word got out for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,

offers began to flood in.

We've been granted privileged access to the casting process,

as Professor Hawking reviews the audition tapes from the hopeful

applicants.

Time to find my new voice.

Stephen...

It's me. Surely it has to be me.

Listen to my voice.

It's deep, it's sexy, it's got a tinge of...

..physics.

Oh, hi, I'm Rebel Wilson, and I'm

reading for the role of Stefon Hawking.

He's a really smart guy, so I think we'd be a perfect match, really.

It's not looking good.

I am the obvious choice.

I'm intelligent, kind of.

And, I'm young and cool.

Kind of.

Hello, Stephen, it's Stephen here.

Listen, I think my voice would endow

your presence with an enormous authority.

You'd also be able to use many cogently multi...

My earpiece has gone.

You'd be able to use lots of long words and stuff.

Are you kidding me?

A number of people decided to do what they do best.

Did Liam Neeson do the whole phone call...

I don't know who you are, I don't know what you want.

..did he?

Some people clearly weren't told what they were auditioning for.

Frankly, I think your life is so important

that it ought to be a musical.

And I'm thinking something like, Everybody's Hawking, a really,

really big show.

# Memory

# You have photographic memory... #

SIRI: Why change? Your voice is super sexy and cool.

I mean, who wouldn't want to sound like me?

Not a chance!

I am a science addict.

All my songs are about it.

Spinning Around, it's about

centrifugal force.

Star Wars, Stephen, it doesn't get more physicsy than that.

And I bet I'm the only one from that franchise offering to work for free.

-JAR JAR BINKS IMPRESSION:

-I am... I'm Stephen Hawking!

Action!

So, Steve, listen...

I feel like I'm the best man for the job.

The reason being, I've been to space before, OK?

You talk about space, I've lived it.

Wowsers!

Some celebrities were insulted that they even needed the audition.

So, what is it, like a sequel?

If they want me to go through that again,

they are going to have to pay me a shedload of cash.

Honestly, I loved being in that film about you,

and I know Eddie did a really, really good job.

But I could have played you so much better.

He didn't even like space.

The man literally has one topic of conversation -

black holes. Black holes and astro...

Astrology... Yeah, astrology, that one.

Stars getting, like, rampantly excited.

And the only star that I care about is...

After a long session watching

desperate celebrities try and win him over,

Stephen finally decided...

Yes, that's it, that's my new voice.

..and prepared to unveil it the next day.

-MICHAEL CAINE:

-Hello.

My name is Stephen 'awking.

You were only supposed to blow the bloody atom!

I literally don't know how to explain this one to you all.

I mean, what can I say?

French and Saunders were on lighting.

So, we've had a lot of music in the show so far.

But here's a really special film

about the positive effect that music can have on people's lives.

Christmas.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Or so the saying goes.

But for many, it can be an extremely difficult time

if you have nowhere to live.

Homelessness can hit anybody.

I had a normal life, and then

I was hit by sort of a spate of bereavements.

I lost my mum and my uncle

within a few weeks of each other.

I mean, I came from a proper house,

a garden and everything.

And then to land on the street,

it really does take the wind from your sails.

It's cold, it's rough.

You know, I sleep on the concrete.

And, you know, you don't have any money.

You don't have a life, really.

And homelessness is not just about lacking a roof over your head.

It can make you feel like you've lost your way.

Because you're vulnerable.

You haven't got that four walls and a ceiling above you.

It makes you feel horrible,

it makes you feel like... I've got no identity.

You've got that rucksack, and that's it.

Comic Relief has been working hard to help the estimated 300,000 people

currently affected by homelessness in the UK.

Since Comic Relief began,

nearly £15 million of your money

has gone directly to helping projects

addressing homelessness.

Projects like this one, right in the heart of Birmingham.

This is The Choir With No Name -

a choir for people affected by homelessness.

The idea is to offer a place for

people that have experienced homelessness

to come and sing together.

But there's more to it than that.

It's about meeting together, socialising, making friends.

And having a sense of community.

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day... #

The choir was started nearly ten years ago.

When it was originally founded,

the choir had no name.

The original members felt that it was quite fitting,

because sometimes being homeless meant that they had no identity.

So they decided to keep it as The Choir With No Name.

And it seems quite fitting, really.

And there are choirs just like this one in Liverpool and London.

They meet every week.

And here in Birmingham, they are

rehearsing for their Christmas concert.

When you come to join the choir, there's no audition.

There's no... It's a complete autonomy.

It's not like... Everybody is welcome.

I came to the first rehearsal and there were 20 people there.

And within a few weeks, we'd got, like, 40-odd people coming.

I think I was hooked more or less from the first practice, really.

And I thought,

"Yeah, this is where I'm meant to be."

I just feel like I can be myself here in a way

that I can't perhaps anywhere else.

Singing together has a particular power.

I think it draws people together.

I think there's something about being in harmony, literally,

with other people that helps sort of group cohesion.

I think it also helps with people's confidence and self-esteem.

# All I want for Christmas is you. #

Brooklyn joined the choir five years ago.

It's given her a real sense of purpose.

Coming here and getting to know new people

just improves my confidence and my self-esteem.

I joined the choir, I was singing along with others,

eating with others,

and people were very welcoming so it

made me feel absolutely really joyful and stuff.

And in the Christmas concert,

she'll be putting her new-found confidence to the test.

I love to perform and entertain people.

So when I get solos, it's absolutely amazing.

It's nerve-racking, but it's amazing.

It's an amazing feeling.

Actually, I feel proud of myself, you know.

It's really brilliant. Because I can hear everybody else at the same time

as I hear myself.

So I feel very proud of myself.

And I'm very, like, more confident.

It gets me going, "Well, can I do it again, again, again..?"

We've got two more practices after today.

It's going to the wire. It always does for concerts.

But I think it'll be great.

Yeah, I think everybody's really got the bit between their teeth,

they know what they've got to do between now and then.

It's going to be a great Christmas gig in Brighton.

# Are you hanging up your stocking on the wall? #

Well, it doesn't matter how hard a

week you've had or if you feel really miserable,

when you leave here at half eight,

you feel pretty happy.

Everybody does, I think.

Oh, it's great, it's awesome, honestly.

It's hard to describe, actually.

It's like a form of medicine,

if you like.

It's a community, and we're good.

Not being big-headed or anything!

But we can hold our own.

I think music has made me want to live again.

Music's saved me, really.

Now, I'm a different person.

I'm back to...

..how I used to be.

Now, Red Nose Day is well-known for its wondrous musical collaborations.

But this year, we decided to keep it serious.

Keep our little comedy claws away.

Get a real band, and let them create something beautiful.

And I think you'll agree, it paid dividends

when we teamed up Ed Sheeran

with the boys from Kurupt FM.

Eddie, Edward!

-You all right, mate?

-The gingerbread man sex symbol, how you doing, mate?

All right. Can I see a storyboard?

No-one's sent me anything, I don't know what we're doing.

Don't worry about that stuff, mate.

It's all going to be very tasteful, and actually really sexy, OK?

Now, I've only rented this place for an hour, so let's crack on.

Yeah, mate, thank you.

What are these costumes for?

I don't know, mate. Come on, Ed, mate.

We're trying to do a shoot here.

Yeah, it's not all about you, Ed.

-That's the problem with the gingers!

-I know.

OK, action.

# We could change this whole world with a piano

# Grab a bass Some guitar

# Add a beat And away we go

# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

# No university, no degree but Lord knows

# Everybody's talking about exponential growth

# And stock market crashing and their portfolios

# Well, I'll be here with a song that I wrote

GARAGE REMIX: # Song that I, song that I wrote

# S-s-s-song that I wrote. #

Let's take you to Africa.

RAPPING

# This ain't a par-tay, it's a party

# Everybody come and check out the stars, I'm a real MC

RAPPING

# This ain't a par-tay, it's a party

# Let the kiddie fly, you can tell a monster

# What's that in the sky? It's a helicopter

# Dropping off vinyls and Corrupt FM's finest take backs

# What does it take to be a garage MC?

# Let the cool flows...

# I hear what you're saying, Jay

# But first of all you need electrici-tay

# Don't worry, cos here he comes on the escalator

# What's that in his hand? It's a generator

# From Brentford to Africa!

# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon

# God gave me a stage

# Had to hold the mic like a lyrical gun

# Daddy told me, son, don't you get involved in politics, religion

# Cos when I'm on the mic I'm lyrically cold!

# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon

# God gave me a stage

# Had to hold the mic like a lyrical gun

# Daddy told me, son, don't you get involved

# Because when I'm on the mic I'm lyrically

# Pure corruption

RAPPING

# This ain't a par-tay, it's a party

# Everybody come and check out the stars, I'm a real MC

RAPPING

# Would the ladies, all the girls, come help me and

# Feed the world with the finest in UK grain

# This is females and the wine

# Listen to the rhyme, to the rhyme and deliver

# Don't be shy cos you ain't had your dinner

# Just turn up the bass, erase your gun finger

# Kiddie killin' and dressed like a militant

# Holdin' the mic on the back of an elephant

# We spread the corrupted, the rest are irrelevant

-# I wanna be president

-What?

-# I wanna be president

-You?

# I wanna be president

# So all of the people can represent

# Ain't got a soapbox

# Turn your water in champers

# And turn you into original skankers

# I'm a lyrical panther

# I'm into pettin' and pamper

# Turn your water into champers

# And turn you into original skankers... #

No, no, I mean, this is offensive.

This is offensive. I'm done.

Eddie, we've still got the spear-throwing scene,

-the hunting scene.

-No.

-Me and you?

-No.

-Serengeti!

What's up with him?

I don't think he likes charity.

Selfish! Let's keep going.

Oops! It seems Ed Sheeran didn't take to garage music very well.

I must admit, I'm exactly the same.

I will not listen to music in the garage.

Michael Buble in the conservatory

with a glass of Prosecco, oui, every day.

Well, our next comedy highlight from

Red Nose Day doesn't need any introduction from me,

which is lucky, as I'm still pretty busy

sitting on a ladder.

Enjoy your trip down memory lane in the much-awaited follow-up

to Love Actually.

MUSIC: God Only Knows by The Beach Boys

DOORBELL

I'll get it.

Who is it?

Oh, he's not going to believe that, it's March!

They're raising money for Red Nose Day.

Oh, not again! Give them a quid and tell them to...

MUSIC: Silent Night

Oh, that's a nice idea.

Yes, thank you, we're very happy.

How are you?

Do you like the beard?

I don't like it either.

And tomorrow is Red Nose Day.

We hope everyone will be giving a little cash to this great cause.

Maybe even our Prime Minister himself,

back in Number 10 after five years away.

Here's a little song to loosen your loose change.

MUSIC: Hotline Bling by Drake

# Yeah, you used to call me on my cellphone

# Late night when you need my love

# Call me on my cellphone

# Late night when you need my love

# And I know when that hotline bling

# That can only mean one thing... #

PM LIP SYNCS

# I know when that hotline bling

# That can only mean one thing

# Ever since I left the city you

# Got a reputation for yourself now

# Everybody knows and I feel left out

# Girl, you got me dying... #

Whoargh!

Oh, that really hurts!

It's very, very undignified!

# Started wearing less and going out more

# Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor

# Hanging with some girls I never seen before... #

-Oh, Lord!

-How many times have I told you not to dance down the stairs?

Once or twice, once or twice, yeah.

Was it Hotline Bling again?

Yes, I'm afraid it was.

When I hear that hotline bling,

that can only mean one thing.

I assume that cup of tea's for me.

-No.

-You've changed.

I have, and I'll make you one, come on, come on.

I liked it best when you worked for me!

You work for me, really, to tell the truth.

I work for the nation.

So, Billy Mack,

welcome back to the airwaves.

Billy, you have released a charity single.

And it's a cover version of the ZZ Top classic Gimme All Your Lovin'.

Yes, except we've changed the word Lovin'...

..to Money.

No, but seriously, Red Nose Day, a

wonderful charity supporting children.

You must like kids.

No, the truth is, I like the kids who buy my records.

I can't stand the other ones.

Even you must have noticed how short and selfish they are.

Billy, why a charity record?

Well, Mikey, it must be pretty obvious.

I've got an autobiography coming out and I need a bit of publicity.

Ah, yes, the book.

It's called Macknificent.

-Yes.

-Are you proud of it?

Oh, no idea, I haven't read it. Have you?

-Yes.

-What's it like?

-It's pretty good, actually.

-Oh, joy!

-That's a relief.

-Billy,

I see you haven't got your manager with you here today.

Tell me, has he finally left you after you being so rude about him?

Not really, Mike.

He was a big man, with a big heart.

And a big heart attack.

A big coffin.

It's a big hole in my life.

Well, thank you for that, Billy.

For what?

Well, for giving an honest answer to a question.

That never happens here at Radio Watford.

-Excuse me?

-Yes, young Sir?

Are you looking for anything in particular?

How much is a red nose?

-£1.

-OK, I'll take one.

Lovely. Would you like it giftwrapped?

-All right.

-Excellent.

Let me see...

Could we be quite quick?

Yes, certainly, Sir. It'll be ready in the jiffiest of jiffies.

Oh, I don't need a bag.

Oh, this isn't a bag, sir.

This is so much more than just a bag.

Do you remember the first time I drove you?

Of course! Yes.

I remember looking at you and thinking, "What a handsome man.

"That kind of face never gets old."

Yes.

How right you were.

I wished you could speak Portuguese so I could tell you how I felt.

Oh, OK. Well, I got most of that.

There was something about central heating, wasn't there?

And roast potatoes?

-Am I right?

-Yes, darling.

By the way, very attractive turtleneck today.

Oh, yes, thank you.

They are right back in fashion.

Or not.

OK, here, here, pull in. Come on!

-Hop in!

-I passed my exam!

-Hi!

-Oh, excellent.

How was your day? All right, off we go.

I got picked for the team.

My hair isn't stupid, is it?

-No.

-It's a little bit stupid.

Jamie.

That's great! That is great!

Can we have rice with it this time, though?

I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.

Why not?

And, of course, the yoghurt-coated raisins.

Oh, come on!

-Almost there.

-Almost?!

Dad?

Sam!

What the hell are you doing here?

You're supposed to be in New York!

I know, I thought I'd give you a surprise visit.

Surprise is you have to pay for my flight!

That's OK! Oh, my God, you've grown!

No, I'm just wearing high-heeled trainers.

-Oh, yeah, so you are.

-Come on, sit down, sit down.

-How are things?

-Good. Yeah, good.

Now, listen, mister, I'm worried. You haven't been in touch.

Oh, I know, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind.

What is it? Work tough? Money?

I can help you with money, you know, I'm loaded.

No, no, it's...

Well, it's more of a love thing, actually.

Oh, here we go again.

What age are you now? 14, 15?

I'm 26.

Exactly. You should have had this sorted out ages ago.

As far as I remember,

the only person you've ever genuinely been in love with

was that...that cute wee girl, the singer at school.

-You were 12, remember?

-Mmm.

That's what's been on my mind.

-Joanna!

-We met up in New York.

And...

-Well, that's why we're here.

-Sir.

I was wondering if I could ask for your son's hand in marriage?

Please?

Really?

All you want for Christmas is this string bean?

Yeah!

I'll think about it.

Dad...?

Come here to me!

So, was that a yes?

I'm thinking about it!

So, the good news is that I have found Mel and Sue's Christmas tree.

It's beautiful, isn't it, in a kind of urban, funky,

East London kind of... What? I'm supposed to have unwrapped it?

Well, that was not clear.

Anyway, the bad news, unfortunately,

is that we have come to the final film.

And so it's time for me to say farewell.

So a little thank you from me for joining me

to see what's been happening since Red Nose Day

and to look back at everything that we've achieved together. And, yeah,

the reason that it's only a little thank you is because, at this point,

I'm now going to step aside

and leave the proper mahoosive thank you to Mr Comic Relief himself.

That's right, over to you, Lenny.

Dang, blast it.

Over to you, Sir Lenny.

It's all right...

'Twas the night after Red Nose Day...

Hang on... It's more than one night, isn't it?

It's well over 250 nights, for sure.

Ah, but then the show finished after midnight, so...

Do you know what? Forget it.

Ah-he-hem!

'Twas many nights after Red Nose Day.

A date of good deeds

When you guys raised millions to help friends in need

You bathed in great gunge baths, you waxed off leg hair

You conga-ed, you crooned and you cha-cha-ed with flair

You rapped, ran and wrestled, you swung, leapt and threw

To be honest, without you, who knows what we'd do?

You giggled in classrooms all over the land

Dressed up in your onesies to help lend a hand

So let us say thank you for all that you've done

For the jokes, for the tears, for the buckets of fun

Thanks, all you wig-wearers, the young and old

And cheers to you fruitloops that swam in the cold

The custard-pie victim, you're such a great sport

And slime-covered teacher, you're just the best sort

And thanks to the painters, the dabbers, the bakers

The jokers and laughers and paperchain makers

This silly face-puller, that hula-hoop gang

And lest we forget dinner ladies who sang!

If you ran in the cold till your noses got runny

Or sponsored a silence to raise some hush money

Thanks, swimmers and paddlers and splashers alike

And that man wobbling round on the world's smallest bike

Thanks, all roly-polyers and cartwheeling kings and ping-pongers

Thanks for your pongs and your pings

Thanks, three-legged racers, bowtie-wearing rower

Respect to you, champion pizza-dough thrower

The crocheters, knitters, all those football fans

The groovers, hot movers, the trumpeting bands

Face-painters, tyre-pullers, and tug-of-war team

Thanks, wheelchair whizzer and cycling queen

Well done, you nose-honker, honk! And dressing-up diva

Big cheers to that colourful paint-sponge receiver

At home, work or play, no order too tall

Enormous well done, and cheers for you all

You organised discos, you make, bake and sell

You dress up in PJs and tutus, as well

You sponsor and donate, you lend us your time

Your giving is endless, your care is sublime

So thank you, bravo, our applause goes to you

Without you, we just couldn't do what we do

Your kindness ensures many futures look bright

Massive thanks to you all, and to all a good night.

And it's bigger than ever.

Whether you run, walk or dance,

everyone can get involved.

You can raise money and help change lives.

Whatever moves you, do it for Sport Relief.