My Idiot BF Coming of Age

-But I know you felt something when we kissed.

-I didn't mean to, my hand slipped.

Who are you?! Right, I don't want a sweetie,

I don't want to see your puppies and I don't want to suck your cock!

# Our College is fun, our college is good,

# Come to Wooton College or get covered in blood. #

I'm delighted to tell you that you are our winners. Here's £500 to split between you.

Oh, my God.

Dad?

# All we wanna do is All we wanna do is

-# All we wanna do is oh-oh

-Love me, love me

# All we wanna do is All we wanna do is

# All we wanna do is oh-oh

# All we wanna do is... #

Listen, Darren, we need to talk.

-Yeah, we do.

-DK, I thought you said your dad went to prison?

-Yeah, he did.

-I've been a bad man. I've been away a long time.

But I've done my time, I've paid my dues.

I don't care what he's done, this guy is cool.

He's like an EastEnders gangster.

"Stay away from my faaaamily!"

-Come on, Darren, I'll buy you a pizza.

-All right, Dad.

-Domino's?

-Maybe after the pizza.

-DK, do you really think you should go with him?

-I have to.

He's my dad.

-Well, be careful.

-Phone at any time.

And remember, you're a Womble.

'Ere, Darren. Do you know why they call this a pizzeria?

Cos people have their pizza 'ere. Ha-ha.

Well, this is awkward.

-Listen, little bear.

-Little bear?

-It's what I used to call you when you were small.

-Do you know what I used to call you?

-Daddy?

Nah. Lawrence Knobhead.

How could you leave us, Dad?

I haven't seen you in nine years.

I don't even know what you're doing here now.

I'm trying to make things up, have a bit of a relationship.

-I'm a reformed character.

-How?

I never stopped loving your mother. But we had our problems.

Her with the booze and the daily soaps.

Me with those addictive sawn-off shotguns.

I tried to give up, I really did.

-Not hard enough.

-I tried cold turkey.

But I killed a turkey with a sawn-off shotgun.

But I learnt a lot in prison.

-I got A Levels and I can put an entire bar of Imperial Leather up me 'arris.

-Why?

Well, I had some free time, didn't I?

-Well, I'm pleased for you, Dad.

-I still like a flutter on the dogs and that.

Oh, yeah, course you do. That was your problem, wasn't it?

-You wouldn't leave them mucky women alone.

-No, gambling, gambling, Darren.

It's what I do now, it's my job.

It's your job?

I'm a professional poker player.

-As it goes, there's a game on tonight. You can come along if you like.

-No.

Come on, please. I wanna spend a bit of time with my boy.

You and your mother are all I thought about on the inside.

It's what's on the inside that counts.

In my case, a bar of Imperial Leather.

-Right, maybe for half an hour or so. On one condition.

-Yeah?

Stop shoving stuff up your arse.

Where's the garlic bread?

Sorry about that, force of habit.

-Chloe.

-Yes, Matt?

I think this abacus is racist because all the colours are on different lines.

-They should be allowed to play together.

-How very insightful, Matt.

ALARM BEEPS Ah, 7:20.

Time for me to prune my bush.

Don't touch my computer.

Did she say "Don't touch my computer"

or "Touchy, touchy, touch much"?

It was "Touchy, touchy, touch much".

I'm going to look up pictures of bears.

Oh. What's this?

I didn't know Chloe had a Twitter...

MyIdiotBF.

What's a BF?

Bear photographs, I hope!

"My idiot BF has announced his abacus is racist, what a spank face".

Ah.

"My idiot BF is trying to get me to have sex with him

"by bringing me a dried-out frog he found in his garden".

Oh, that was a gift of love!

Not so bushy this week.

Usually that lady shave looks like Fozzy Bear's face by the time I've finished with it.

-Bears. Can we look at pictures of bears, Chloe?

-Ah-ha.

Jas, now that we're officially friends,

I've got something I think you might like.

# Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah!

What the hell is that?

That...

is your bum.

-My bum?

-Yes.

Why on earth would you paint a picture of my bum?

Ollie, I thought we were over this.

Don't flatter yourself, Jas.

I've painted plenty of people's bums. We have Chloe's bum...

The Principal's bum...

And Jeremy Clarkson's bum! Brrm, brrm...

You know this is really weird, don't you?

Are you some kind of bum-obsessed pervert?

Yes, I am. But also, as a young British artist, it's my style.

Oh, and what do you call yourself?

"Pic-arse-o"?

You're lucky it's not Cara-vag-gio.

-Or Con-stable.

-Look, to get anywhere in the art world nowadays, you've got to have a "thing".

Now most of these hacks choose talent or passion. Mine, is bum.

Enjoy.

That was amazing, Dad. So you get to keep all that?

Not exactly.

I use other people's money, then take 10% of whatever I win.

I won 250 quid today.

-What could you do with that?

-Oh, right. Well, there's a game tomorrow, I could double it up easy.

Well, yeah, less your fee, of course.

My fee? Do I look like the sort of geezer who'd take money off his own flesh and blood?

-You look like the sort of geezer that'd take flesh and blood from his own flesh and blood.

-Don't be silly.

That's an outrageous thing to say. We're family.

-I want you to trust me again. You're my son. The only one I've got.

-OK.

So what do you say to my proposition?

For you?

-OK.

-Yes!

-The game's during the day, so you can't come with me.

-I trust you.

Thanks.

That means a lot to me, little bear.

Here you go.

Big bear.

Ah, no, no don't do that.

Sorry, force of habit.

DK, what were you thinking?

Your dad is a convicted criminal.

If you see that money again, I'll eat my hat.

I ate my hat once.

-Why?

-I was hungry.

Was it a pork pie?

No, it was a hat.

The point is, DK, you know absolutely nothing about this man, apart from the fact he's done time.

Yeah, but he's my dad. And he said he's a reformed character.

-Yeah, well so did Willy the Knife McDougal.

-Who?

Willy the Knife McDougal.

-He's another person who said he was a reformed character.

-And?

Er, nothing.

I was just making conversation.

-It is my shed.

-Well, you're wrong. OK?

Now, I can feel a rap coming on.

-Oh, woop de doo.

-Yo, yo, yo, Mr K's in da house!

Wiki wiki wa wa braap. Oh, listen up, peeps, don't piss on my fire,

cos my dad's in town and he ain't no liar

He's gonna make me lots of money, so I can buy us all a honey

Cos my philosophy is share the wealth

Who gives a toss about sexual health?

Her name'll be Titwank, cos that's what she does

We can take it in turns to cum on her fuzz. Balamory!

Oh, no! Chloe's put "Guess what he's done now?

"He's only said the capital of France is carrot."

What are you talking about?

Chloe's Twitter. She's got a Twitter account and it's called MyIdiotBF

and I think it's about me. Look.

Oh, what gave you the hint?

The picture of you, perhaps?

-I wish I could figure out what BF stood for.

-It's boyfriend.

Boyfriend hasn't got an F in it, you stupid dick.

Anyway, I have to stop her. It's denting my self-confidence.

Well, I say kill her with kindness.

Or a brick, up to you.

What? No. Just do something nice for her

and she'll feel so bad she'll close the feed.

Or at least write something good about you.

I think I might try that.

And if it doesn't work, I'll kill her with a brick.

Only joking. God, sometimes you people just do not get me.

Actually, you should be delighted, Jas.

Er, why?

Well, if Ollie's a successful artist,

this could be worth a fortune as an example of his bum period.

I had a bum period once.

It was disgusting.

Sounds it.

-You were saying.

-You just need to make it work for you.

-Yeah, but how?

-I know. You could be a famous muse.

Like the Mona Lisa to Da Vinci.

Or Dave to Little Mikey Angelo.

I could set up an exhibition.

Exactly, Jas! Make an exhibition of yourself.

You're good at that.

Hi, guys.

BOTH: Hey Robyn. Oh.

BOTH: We... I said... You said...

BOTH: This is...

BOTH: Stop it. I can't.

BOTH: Say something weird.

BOTH: Tartrazine. Argh!

Shut up.

-Nice bottom, Jas.

-Why, thank you, you flirt.

Saw your Twitter feed, Chloe. Harsh much?

There is nothing harsh about MyIdiotBF.

You said he was so stupid, he's scared of everything.

Well, he is.

Aagh! A tree!

And he can't even spell his own name.

He spells Matt with only one T.

-Like the flooring.

-Well, you do walk all over him.

Don't you worry about Matt finding out?

Oh, no. I keep it top secret.

If he ever found out, he'd be...

-Devastated.

-No!

Killed.

In his bed.

By my army of monkeys.

It's not really fair, though.

"He's managed to tie his shoelaces.

"To his face." You're making him look a fool.

Listen, Dr Miriam Stoppard,

when I want your advice on my relationship, I'll ask for it.

I just don't think it's nice.

Well, I don't think licking another lady's chuff is nice,

but you still do it, don't you, Robyn Crisp?

Stop it, you two.

She started it. Judging me. Who do you think you are? Judge Pubey?

Cos you're a lesbian.

-Who eats pubes.

-Oh, yeah.

All us lesbians love to eat pubes.

I sprinkle them on my trifle every Sunday.

Shut up. Jas, punch her.

No, Chloe. I agree with Robyn.

Imagine Matt's sad little face if he saw it.

I would simply distract him with something shiny.

I can't give it up.

Oh, Chlo, why? It's so cruel.

"If he drops any more IQ points, it'll be like dating a cucumber.

"Only a cucumber's better in bed."

Oh, I'm a wit.

Whatever the case, Chloe,

I think you're in for a rough ride when Matt finds out.

Anyway, I've got a free period.

-Can I borrow this?

-No!

Oh! I'll have to use a mirror again.

Chloe, I've got you a present.

-I don't want any more dried-out frogs.

-No. It's this milkshake.

I made it myself.

Mars Bar and marshmallow. Your favourite.

Technically, you blend it first.

-It's still your favourite.

-Quite so.

Now, I've just got to write something down.

Oh, look! She said I got her milkshake wrong.

HE LAUGHS

-And I'm an even bigger idiot than Ollie.

-She what?

Look. You're just going to have to man up about it.

But how do I man up? I don't want to grow any more penises.

Who are the most manly people you know?

My dads. They're so manly, they have sex with each other.

And what would they do in this situation?

Well, they can be quite bitchy

so I suppose they'd seek revenge and then go clubbing.

Revenge is good.

Set up your own Twitter. That might make you feel better.

Good idea. I'll call it My Spoilt Girlfriend.

Or MySpoiltGF.

What does GF stand for?

Giraffe, Matt.

Ollie, you're so stupid sometimes.

I don't have a giraffe!

Ollie, I've been thinking about your art.

Jas, if you've come to take the piss...

No. I've changed my mind, I think it's brilliant.

So brilliant, in fact, I'm going to organise you an exhibition.

An exhibition? Really?

-You think I'm that good?

-Yes, Ollie.

Talent like yours needs an audience.

And a muse that takes 20%.

Let's give it a go.

OK. What pieces would you like to display?

Well, there are the various paintings, obviously.

But recently I've been experimenting with other mediums.

-Hmm. All on the theme of bum?

-Of course.

It's like I always say, "Art. Theme. Bum."

You've never said that.

Not out loud, obviously.

People would think I was mad.

Now, firstly, there's my pottery work.

Ooh, very nice.

I sat for it myself.

Then, of course, there's my musical installation.

# Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...

Bravo.

And finally, there's my fashion work.

Fashion work?

In fact, I think I've got the perfect dress for you to wear to celebrate my opening.

Up a bit. Up a bit more.

Come on, you're not doing it properly. Down a bit.

Right, now it's all off centre.

Oh, for God's sake, do it yourself, you fussy old woman.

I'm going to sort out the canapes.

You can't blame me. Tonight's the night Ollie Arse becomes a star.

You're name's Ollie Sinclair.

Yes, but Ollie Arse sounds more Brit Art.

What can my name be then?

-As your muse?

-Ooh. Right.

It needs to be something pacey, something zeitgeisty, something now.

Right, I've got it! Jas Arse.

I don't want to be called Jas Arse. People might think we're married.

Nice bottom, Jas.

Why, thank you, you flirt.

Jas, I need to talk to you.

Are you responsible for this?

MySpoiltGF?

Um, surprisingly not, Chlo, because I have what is known as a life.

Um, no you don't. You've organised an exhibition for bummies.

The one thing you lack is a life.

Well, it wasn't me. What's it about?

It's about this man who goes out with this total princessy brat.

And they've used my photo.

Somebody's obviously taken offence at the MyIdiotBF feed

and fabricated this horrid character.

Well, I think it's perfectly obvious who it is.

Yes. I agree.

Robyn! Stop writing things about me on Twitter.

OK.

And take down MySpoiltGF.

MySpoiltGF isn't me. I think it's pretty obvious who that is.

The Principal?

No. Matt.

Matt? But why would Matt do something like this to me?

Revenge, probably.

And it is funny.

"Chloe still wears a nappy some nights.

"Not cos she needs it, cos her mum likes changing her."

-Ew. That's rough.

-And untrue.

I'm perfectly capable of changing myself.

Dad!

Hey, little bear. 500 quid as promised.

Thanks, Dad. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Here, I tell you what, I'll take you out for another pizza.

-Something wrong, Dad?

-Yeah, game in Oxford tonight, big stakes.

Who cares what you eat?

It'll be serious money, Darren.

-If I had some cash, I could win big.

-How big?

-Enough to see me all right.

See you and your mum all right, God rest her soul.

-She's not dead.

-Likes a kip, though, don't she?

Well, you can have that 500 quid if you like.

Don't be silly, don't be daft. Take your mum out for a nice dinner or something.

-I'd need at least five grand.

-Five grand?

If I could find myself something to pawn. A nice little bit of jewellery.

Jewellery?

I'd buy it straight back with the winnings, like.

Dad! Mum's got her engagement ring.

Oh, do me a favour. I haven't seen your mum since I popped out ten years ago.

If I turned up and asked for that ring, she'd cut my cock off.

Maybe you're right.

Yeah, I am right. I couldn't ask you to do something like that.

Even though I could win 50 grand.

Could you?

You know what, Darren, I really would love to pay your mother back.

-I can get the ring for you.

-What do you mean, get it?

Well, by get it, I mean nick it.

No, no, no, no, no.

You'd do that for your mother?

You're a good boy, Darren.

-Well, it's to help her, innit?

-Yeah, help her.

And when she finds out that it was you that made her all the money,

and that you've kicked the booze, you might get back together.

Yeah, we might. We just might do that.

I'll go and get it for you now, Dad.

You're a good boy, little bear.

-You make me so proud.

-I'm proud of you, Dad.

I'm so nervous, Jas.

I feel like a celebrity.

Well, you are. You're the precociously talented

young British artist everyone's come to see.

I'm so proud of you, Ollie.

I'm proud of me, too.

I'd better go and meet my adoring fans.

I don't wish to poo-poo it, Wilberforce.

Poo-poo it!

That's funny cos it's like bums.

I've always thought that Oliver was a bright boy,

but it turns out he's a bit...backwards!

Oh, Jane. Are you going to keep him BEHIND?

No need. He's already hit rock BOTTOM.

Oh, Jane, you're so funny.

Please sleep with me?

Bums!

Yes, I know, but is it art?

Are you sure you don't mean, "But is it arse"?

-Robyn, hi.

-Oh, Ollie, hi.

So, what do you think of my exhibition?

I think it's, er, it's good.

-Good?

-Yes.

In fact, I think it's bum-derful!

Jas!

-What's wrong?

-We have to close this exhibition now.

-But people are still arriving.

-That's the point.

Everyone's laughing at me, Jas.

Now, are you sure they're not just...

reacting emotionally to your vision?

GUFFAWING

Right, that's it.

Everyone out! Hey! Get out, you Philistines!

-Ollie, why are you doing this?

-Because my work is shit!

I see what you did there. Oh!

Get out! Right now!

My God. It's as beautiful as the day I went down on one knee

and give it your mum in the Beaver.

I'd rather not hear about that, thanks, Dad.

-The Beaver's a pub, Darren.

-Oh, yeah, sorry.

-Listen, thanks for doing this, Dad.

-Don't you mention it, Son.

-Here, do you want my 500 quid n'all?

-No. Absolutely not.

Go on, then, you twisted my arm.

Right. I'll see you later, Darren.

-Can't I come with you?

-Best not, no.

Some of the characters at these bigger games, they get a bit thuggish.

-I don't want you getting involved.

-All right. Thanks, Dad.

Oooh! I wrote a rap about it.

-Yo, yo, yo, ladies, Mr K's...

-Time's getting on, Darren.

-Got to get down the pawnbroker's.

-Oh, yeah, it'll only take a second.

I'm Mr K, I'm winning the cash...

-It's getting late, Darren!

-Oh, all right.

-How long you going to be?

-Couple of hours.

Cool, I'll just wait here then, yeah?

You wait there, mate, you wait there. ENGINE STARTS

-I'll see you later, little bear.

-Right. Thanks, Dad. Good luck!

Bala...mory.

-Hello, Chloe! You wanted to see me?

-Oh, hello, Matthew Cobbett.

Or should I say MySpoiltGF?!

Oh, hello, Chloe Wheeler, or should I say MyIdiotBF?

-You knew?

-You knew?

Yes, I think my biggest clue was earlier

when you Tweeted at me, asking how to spell Matt.

Oh. You weren't offended, were you?

Offended? How could I be offended by such bon mots as

"She hit me cos the shop only had Pepsi."

-But that was true.

-I don't want people to think I'm spoilt.

-But you are spoilt.

-Then people should learn not to indulge me.

They have to, or you hit them.

Well, they deserve it.

-Anyway, everything I wrote about you was true, too.

-No, it wasn't.

I have three GCSEs, not four. And Mensa didn't chuck me out.

They laughed and gave me an orange.

Oh, Matt. We're like chalk and cheese.

Tasty?

I don't think this is going to work, Matt. We're so different.

No, no. We're the same. We both like Pingu and...

No, fundamentally.

We both fundamentally like Pingu.

Our differences are too great. That's why I wrote all that on Twitter.

Cos I'm just so frustrated.

At going out with an idiot BF?

Yes! And you're frustrated cos I'm so spoilt.

Chloe, I don't want to split up.

-I love you.

-I love you, too.

But we don't have a choice if we want to keep our Twitter feeds going.

Mine's very popular.

Can't we just shut down the feeds

-and, like, talk to each other?

-Talk to each other?

Do you think it could work?

I'm game if you are. Let's delete.

OK.

BOTH: And delete!

Listen, Chloe. I know you think I'm a fool,

but I'm not a fool, and I'm going to try hard to prove I'm not a fool

and not do anything foolish.

Oh, Matt.

Try harder.

Coitus?

Yes, please!

Mmm, my favourite kind of milkshake.

-Hey.

-Oh, hi, Jas.

-What are you doing?

-Sunbathing.

I'm burning my work.

Looks like I'm not going to be a celebrated British Artist after all.

Aw, Ollie.

You know what this has been?

This has been my anus horribilis, ha...ha...ha.

I brought you this.

Thanks!

Are you going to be OK?

Well, I've been laughed at, humiliated,

my life's work torn to pieces in front of my eyes.

But things could be worse.

Yeah.

How exactly?

I could have lost you as a friend.

After everything we've been through in the last year,

the break up, the fighting, the tears...

I'm glad we're still friends, Jas.

Yeah. I'm glad we're still friends, too.

Hey. Hot arse, by the way.

-Oh, shut up!

-I meant it.

Those are some seriously flamin' cheeks.

DK, why don't we get the ring back?

My dad pawned it for thousands. How are we going to raise the cash?

If we're going to rob this pawnbrokers, we need a disguise.

Not a prawn shop.

Pawn!

ALARM BLARES

Oh, spiffing. What do we now?

Masturbate?

No. Run!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

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