Robbery Coming of Age

I've been a bad man. I've been away a long time. But I've paid my dues.

DK, do you really think you should go with him?

I have to. He's my dad.

He spells Matt with only one T. Like the flooring!

Well, you do walk all over him.

It's as beautiful as the day I went down on one knee

and gave it your mum in The Beaver.

Ooh, very nice!

I SAT for it myself.

-# All we wanna do is

-Oh!

-# All we wanna do is

-Oh!

-# All we wanna do is

-Oh!

-Oh love me, love me

-# All we wanna do is

-Oh!

-# All we wanna do is

-Oh!

-All we wanna do is

-Oh!

# All we wanna do is... #

Hello, Darren.

All right...biatch.

Have you been here all night?

Em...yeah.

Why?

It just looked so lovely under the stars.

It was freezing!

Yeah, e-exactly.

I'm cold-blooded. Like Piers Morgan.

-Right, what's the matter?

-Nothing. I'm OK.

Then why are you shivering like a puppy at a Korean banquet?

Because I'm coming.

-Yes, coming with me.

-Really, biatch?

-Let's get you inside.

-Oh, my God!

The college, Darren.

So, what were you doing outside all night?

Loving the leathers, sweetheart.

We're not here to talk about my leathers.

I'm just saying, though, they're fit.

-What is wrong?

-Seriously, it's like the last scene in Grease when Sandy goes all horny and gets a perm.

-DK, you're the one that I want...

-There she goes!

..to talk about.

# Ooh-ooh-ooh, honey! #

Listen, DK. I'm worried.

When I found you outside just now, you had chills

and they were multiplying.

# And I'm losing control... #

Stop it!

I'm sorry, biatch, I just didn't know you were a Hells Angel.

There's lots of things people don't know about me.

For example, I bet you didn't know I used to be Aretha Franklin.

# While combing my hair now

# And wondering what dress to wear now

# I say a little prayer for you... #

Man, it's tough being Aretha Franklin.

I think I'll go and run a college in Abingdon now.

Cheerie-bye, Motown!

I did not know that.

DK, I'm worried about you.

I promise I've never been better.

That's what my granddad said before he did something very stupid.

-You mean he..?

-Booked a two-week package holiday to Faliraki!

A man of 82 should never let himself be eye-humped by a ladyboy.

I don't know what he was thinking.

Probably, "I'd like to be eye-humped by a ladyboy."

DK,

we've known each other for some time now.

Mostly, I have found you to be annoying,

irritating, obtuse, puerile,

deliberately disruptive...

Stop it, Jane. You're making me blush!

But I have come to care about you very deeply,

maybe even to the detriment of other students.

DK, when I find you on a kerb

shivering like George Michael without a doobie-spliff...

..it makes me very upset.

Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?

-No, because I don't care!

-Really?

-HIS VOICE WAVERS

-No, I don't, biatch.

I don't care that my dad screwed me over

or that I stole my mum's engagement ring

or about the horrible feelings of guilt and resentment.

-DK...

-No, no, no! To prove how fine I am,

I'm going to do a lovely rap for you.

DK, there's no...

Yo yo, ladies Mr K is in da house

Wiki wikiwa wa braaaaap!

I'm Mr K I'm suave and fit

I got a drunk for a mum and a dad who's a shit

How could I know he'd invaded my life

To use me to steal from my mum His ex-wife?

I-I-I...

Oh, Darren.

Come here.

Balamory.

So who'd like to come and fly my kite with me?

It's a windy day and it's shaped like a fish.

Anyone?

No! Now, Robyn Crisp, as you've probably realised, I'm no homophobe,

but I do take offence at you constantly banging on about your sexuality.

I didn't say anything about my sexuality.

There you go again!

On and on and on.

You never stop talking about washing your face in the pink sink.

Where did you get that horrible expression from?

It's a common phrase. Like shouting up vag valley,

or colonising the musky jungle,

or shaking hands with the hairy prawn,

or Frenching her frizz,

or playing the flesh banjo,

or pasting over the happy crack,

or sending back the sausages,

or reading Fanny Hill, or twatlapping,

or a bit of the old Jenny Four-tits.

We just call it making love.

Oh, my God! That's disgusting!

You know, Chloe, when you say things like that, you just sound really scared and ignorant.

Maybe you should give it a go.

Give it a go? When I have Matt?

Chloe says I have the skin of a woman.

Shut up, Matt!

Stop eating your tie.

But I'm hungry and it tastes of tomato.

-Ollie?

-No. I've never flown a kite.

I don't like looking up. The Welsh are a very pessimistic people.

So that's a no then, everyone?

-Well...

-Oh, do you want to come, Matt?

-No, he does not. Bugger off!

Well, all right then. See you later, guys.

Bye, you repressed ginger bitch.

-What?! What did you say?

-Nothing.

-Hi, sexy.

-Hi, fishy.

Hi, Jasmine. Would you like to come and play in the park with me?

It didn't work when Uncle Rufus asked and it won't work now.

Has anyone seen DK? He's not answering his phone.

Why are you phoning DK?

Do you fancy him?

# Jas fancies DK # Jas fancies DK... #

You people are useless! DK is actually missing.

I'm going to find someone who cares.

-Well, I feel terrible.

-Me too.

Although that could be the gin I had for breakfast.

Me too. But that could be the mothballs I had for breakfast.

Where did you find mothballs?

-In your pants!

-HE LAUGHS

I must not try wit again.

-No.

-I'm going to get punished, aren't I?

-Yes.

Now, Darren - don't worry, be happy.

# Don't worry

# Be happy

# Ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh... #

Excuse me, Miss... Ah, DK!

Jas, can you come back later?

I'm very, very busy.

-# Ooh ooh-ooh... #

-Actually, biatch, Jas is my mate.

I'd like her to know what's happened.

And I need you to stop doing...that.

OK, DK. But, Jas, I need you to understand, this is a very serious matter.

Argh! My fish is out of control!

You're young! Enjoy it!

-So what we're going to do, DK, is try and find a way to take your mind off your dad.

-Aww, you guys.

I know! We could beat you up!

What?

Not really badly. A bit of physical pain to take your mind off your emotions.

Just a black eye or a broken rib or a fork in your...

No, thanks, but no, thanks.

Much as I'd like a good forking.

Why don't we all get drunk? Hmm?

-That'll take our minds off it.

-Not after last time.

The last time was a veritable laugh riot.

And so I said to her,

"You may be a duchess, but you certainly ain't no lady!"

THEY LAUGH

No, Ollie. It wasn't like that at all.

And so I said to her, "You might be a duchess,

"but you've got absolutely no tits!" Huh?

OLLIE LAUGHS

No, it wasn't like that either.

OLLIE GROANS

Duchess is a shit.

Yeah, maybe getting me drunk in this state's a bad idea.

Anyone got any heroin?

I haven't got heroin.

I am a heroine! SHE LAUGHS

I'm a heron, too! Look, Chloe, look!

Look!

HE SQUAWKS

Look at me, Chloe! I'm a heron!

Oh, good lord. Oh, dear God, please forgive me, but I shall have to kill him.

HE CONTINUES TO SQUAWK

-Heron!

-Hey.

Come on, mate. It's all right.

Let's have a lovely sit down.

-Wait. I've just thought of something else.

-What?

Oral sex makes me happy.

-Aww, Matt!

-Are you seriously suggesting we all suck DK's cock?

Oh! Mmm!

Well, I am absolutely stuffed.

Me too.

My portion was a bit lumpy.

Mine was delicious.

Well, thank goodness we decided to have those trifles instead of sucking DK's cock.

Unfortunately, DK's still sad.

Maybe I could cheer him up.

HERON! HE SQUAWKS

It's lovely of you all to think of me,

but this is my problem and I've got to sort it.

No way, DK. We're friends. Friends stick together.

Like glue and the pages of your Fat Trannie magazines.

I know, but...

I just think I'd like to be alone.

Not a chance! When my dad died, who was the first person there for me?

-You'd sort of hope it would be your mum.

-Yeah, you would, but it wasn't. It was you.

She was far too busy doing this.

-And now your mum can't be there for you...

-Because of her mental bitch status.

Yes, Chloe... Now she can't be there, I'd like to repay the favour.

You know, you may have just turned up on the day of the funeral

with a can of pre-mixed gin and tonic and some porn,

but it meant a lot.

To me...and my aunt.

And you've been there for me, DK.

When I accidentally shagged Ollie's driving instructor behind those bins...

..you were the one that helped me.

Yeah, but you were the one that let me keep your knickers.

I didn't.

Oh, so you're going to be wanting these back then.

No!

And how did you get your big fat arse and ten-inch schlong into the knickers of a sylph-like maiden?

It was cold when I put 'em on.

You've helped me too, DK. When I couldn't get my shoes on that time,

you taught me how to tell left from right.

Right, left. Left, right. Right, left...

Oh, no!

Hey, come on, mate, it's OK.

Remember? Heron!

Oh, my God, stop living in the past, man.

-Heron was so ten minutes ago.

-And...

Well, I'm not the type of person who needs help,

but...your face amuses me!

-Good work.

-We just want to be there for you, DK.

Thanks, guys. I just really don't want to think about what happened.

Then let's all go for a lovely trip out?

To the off-licence.

Yeah. Just us. The gang.

And it will be all completely non-dad related and shit.

MUSIC: "Daddy Cool" by Boney M

For God's sake! It's May!

Yeah!

There he is.

DK.

Sorry everything was so incredibly coincidentally about fathers.

Look, I haven't been 100% honest with you lot.

This ain't about my dad.

This is about my mum's ring.

-HE SNIGGERS

-Ring.

What's this about a ring, Frodo?

I did something to my mum's ring that no good son should ever do.

Oh, DK, I saw a documentary about this on More4.

It's completely understandable. Normal, even.

SHE MOUTHS

I stole it

and gave it to my dad to pawn so he could use it in an underground gambling den. But I did it for her.

Sounds like it.

He said he could use it in a game to make more money.

I thought that might get them back together.

Well, that was stupid, you stupid dick.

Yeah, I know! Haven't you ever done anything stupid?

Umm...

Red means...

cross cos when people are cross, they go red.

No.

-How do I get rid of the guilt?

-You could go and confess everything to the college chaplain.

Now you're sure you're a chaplain?

Yep. I'm a lovely little chaplain.

You can help me get rid of my guilt?

All you have to do is bite the head off this live chicken.

Has the guilt gone? Do you feel any better?

No. In fact, I feel worse.

HE COUGHS

DK, why don't we get the ring back?

My dad pawned it for thousands. How could we raise that sort of cash?

Nick the ring.

Who's Nick The Ring?

No. Nick - steal.

Oh, so you mean Nick The Ring is just Nick Steel's stage name.

There is no stage name.

Oh, well, Nick Steel strikes me as a very common name.

He should probably get one.

No. Nick Steel doesn't exist.

You mean he's gone into hiding? Tax evasion, was it?

No. No, no.

When I say "nick", I mean, take away.

We're having a takeaway?

-Shot gun pizza!

-Nobody's having any pizza!

I suppose I don't mind a curry.

No. No, no!

Nobody's having any food!

No food at all.

You mean we're all going to starve?

Why don't we just rob the ring?

Good idea, mate. Though we should probably crack on with that first before we order our takeaway.

It's a brilliant plan.

Now, hold your hairy horse bags!

Are you guys sure about this? I mean, what if I get caught?

Me! Lovely me! We have to think about me for a second.

She's right, peeps. I can't ask you to do this.

Look, I'm going to go and tell my mum what I've done.

I'll see you tomorrow...I hope.

DK, come back here.

Chloe, what are you talking about?

Well, I'm just saying, this is very high-risk

and I have my future to think of.

Right, well, you go and think about your future.

I'm going to help DK.

-Me too.

-Me too! All for one and nine for me!

Chloe, how could you miss this opportunity to commit a real crime?

Ooh, that's true! It'll be like Reservoir Dogs!

That film's so romantic.

MUSIC: "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel

Em, no.

Yes.

Slashy, slashy, slash-slash!

-Aww!

-For God's sake, Chloe! We're not going to kill anyone!

Oh. Well, now I'm not so keen.

Look, you're coming and that's that!

Well, I'll come, but I'm not happy about it.

That's what she says when I stick my thumb up her arse.

Lovely. So, if we're going to rob this pawnbroker's,

first we need to find a disguise.

Then we'll meet in half an hour in the shed.

# All we wanna do is All we wanna do is... #

-Hi, Jas. All set?

-Ollie,

why are you dressed as a paedophile?

-I'm Doctor Who.

-Doctor Who?

Yes, it's the only disguise I've got.

Hey, you want to see my sonic screwdriver?

Only if you want me to exterminate you.

-What?

-Exterminate you.

Like the Daleks off Doctor Who!

Oh, I've not seen it. This outfit was entirely guess work.

Then how did you know about the sonic screwdriver?

There's a sonic screwdriver in Doctor Who?!

They must have got that idea from me.

Oh, for God's sake, where is everyone?

-Hi, guys.

-Chloe?

Well, I guess no-one would suspect a tree.

Look, before Matt gets here,

I want you to know I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.

Er...Matt?

Why on earth are you dressed like that?!

It's a porn shop, so to help blend in, I've come as some porn.

OK, you cannot go out on the streets dressed like that.

And anyway, Matt, it's a pawn shop! Pawn.

Oh. I'll go and find something else.

Any better?

No! Not a prawn shop.

Pawn! P-A-W-N!

I'll go and find something else.

-Any better?

-It'll have to do. Where's DK? We need to go in a minute.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Hi, guys.

Oh, for God's sake! OK!

Listen up, everyone, here's the plan.

As soon as we get in the shop, Matt and Ollie will restrain Basil,

Chloe will keep watch outside.

Me and DK will get the ring then it's off to our getaway vehicle.

What is our getaway vehicle?

Well, it's the Number 32 bus,

but it stops on the corner every ten minutes. Are there any questions?

-Ooh, ooh, ooh!

-Chloe?

No. Ha!

Right, now, be careful. We don't want to look suspicious.

Are we absolutely, completely and totally sure this is a good idea?

-Shut up, Chloe.

-That isn't an answer, bitch.

Look, just stick to the plan and everything will be fine, OK?

Oh, no, we don't need to do that, sexy tits. Look.

So?

So...

-ALARM BELL RINGS

-DK!

We have to get out of here!

Oi, stop! Hooligans!

Oh, spiffing. What do we now?

-There's only one thing we can do, love.

-Masturbate?

No. Run!

-The other way, Matt!

-Oh, yeah!

Oi! Stop! Hooligans! Again!

-Argh!

-Jas!

-Are you OK?

-Yeah...

Oh, bollocks.

-Right, you two, what's going on?

-We were just...

going for a jog?

You is nicked.

It's just like Life On Mars, isn't it?

Argh! My fishy kite!

Come back!

My fishy kite!

-He's gaining on us!

-What are we going to do?

We'll have to split up.

All right. All right!

All right, pig. You've got me.

DK, look out!

Aaaaaargh!

Oops.

Thanks, sweetheart.

-Oh, God, what are we going to do?

-Sex?

Certainly not! Don't you realise what I am?

Frigid?

No.

-A monster?

-No.

A fugitive on the run from the law.

What I need is a way of getting the police to let me off.

You could get them doughnuts.

Policemen like doughnuts.

And beating people up in the back of vans.

-Or I could bring them one of the other culprits.

-What are you doing?

Matthew Cobbett, you're under arrest.

What? I don't believe this.

I'm being arrested by a tree!

DK! What's going on? Why were you running away from that policeman?

I committed a robbery. On the pawnbrokers.

My dad pawned my mum's ring. I was getting it back.

Wow! And I thought flying a kite was exciting.

Did you?

No. I was trying to make friends with everyone.

I'm basically very sad.

OK. Next time, try money.

-Or Jenga!

-Money.

-Twister!

-Money.

Or I could get my tits out.

That could work.

Lesbian!

What are you going to do? You're on the lamb.

Pardon?

The lamb! You know, the run.

Then why did you say lamb?

Is it cos I'm BAAAAAD?

So, this robbery - were you armed?

No, I wasn't hurt.

I meant, did you have a weapon?

-We had a brick.

-We?

Average size.

Who was with you?

The gang, all of us.

The gang! I wouldn't have bothered with my kite

if I'd known all it needed was a bit of armed robbery to fit in.

No, specsy, your kite saved my skin.

The whole thing was pointless anyway.

Why? Because crime doesn't pay?

No, cos I lost the ring. I dropped it while I was running away from that copper.

So now Jas and Ollie are in jail, me and Chloe are on the run

and Matt's a knobhead.

What's that go to do with anything?

It just irritates me sometimes.

-Well, there's only one thing you can do now.

-Jenga?

-No.

-Twister?

-No.

Tits? Ohh...

No! You've got to ask the one person in the world with the means and inclination to help.

-Agh!

-Ugh!

-Ugh!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Ugh!

-Ugh!

-Ah!

-Oh!

-Ah!

-Ah!

-Oh!

-Ee!

-Ah!

-Oh!

-Ah!

-Ah!

-Oh!

Darren Karrimor!

Or should I say Karen Karrimor?

Sorry to burst in, mate, but there's been a bit of trouble.

I need your help, biatch.

Wilberforce, I'm sorry.

You'll have to wait until tomorrow to serve a big one into my area.

OK, Jane.

I almost got some poontang then, you little jiz-job.

-What's the matter? Tell me everything.

-We...

Aaargh!

-Well, it seems that you lot are free to go.

-What?

-Mr Spoke, the owner of the pawnbroker's, agreed to drop all charges.

-Why did he do that?

Basil and I go back a long way.

I happen to know that everything in his shop is stolen.

This is yours.

My hip flask! Cheers!

This is yours.

Thought you escaped, did you?

I'll teach you not to run away, Cardinal Ratzinger.

Jas, this is yours.

-That's not mine!

-Oh.

Well, I'd best keep it, then. Matt...

Dinner!

Right, let's go.

Nothing in there for me, Miss?

Wait a second! What's this?!

Biatch! My mum's ring!

-Where did you find it?

-Well, actually...

Never mind that! The important thing is the principal saved the day again!

How can I ever thank you?

Oh, hang on!

What's this?

Ah, my first album.

This provokes so many memories.

# The moment I wake up

-# Before I put on my make-up

-Make-up

# I say a little prayer for you... #

MUSIC: "Say A Little Prayer" by Aretha Franklin

Snap out of it!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]