Lesbian Jumper Coming of Age

Ah, vitamin beer. The most important vitamin of all.

DK, you will be expelled from this college with immediate effect.

Jingle Balls!

I'm king of the world!

Matt!

Matt, why are you reading that?

I'm just checking out the totty. Look.

Oh, fit.

Oh, it's more than fit, mate - listen to this.

"Barbara Battersby from Hull wants us to try her delicious recipe for sherry trifle." Oh, ho!

I bet you do, you dirty bitch!

God, he's disgusting. He's a pervert.

-I can't believe I ever let a freak like that lay his man eggs in my happy nest.

-I can't help it.

I just like older women, that's all.

Which is why I'm going to seduce me another one.

-You're going to what?

-Well, since I shagged your auntie, I've got quite a taste for them.

I've been up all night thinking of the perfect way to pull an older woman.

I've got my chat-up line written right here so it won't fall out of my brain like maths does.

-Bye!

-Necrophiliac!

Look, Chloe, all this anger isn't...

What anger?!

This anger isn't good for you.

-Or me - my mascara's not spit-proof.

-I know, Jas, it's just...

Matt with Ollie's auntie.

How could he get over me so fast?

Chloe, Matt searching for another woman doesn't mean he's over you.

It just means he's moving on. You can't hate him for that.

I don't hate him, Jas.

I miss him.

-He was my snuggle bunny and human pin cushion.

-Look,

you have to see this break-up as a fresh start

so you don't end up a sad, tragic, self-loathing drunk, like Ollie.

God, you're right, Jas. Thanks.

That's OK. Now I've only got him to sort out.

Poor Ollie. How quickly one can leap from alpha male to half an ale. Ha! Bye!

What do you mean, now you've only got me to sort out?

There's nothing wrong with me, Jas.

-Ollie, it's 10 o clock in the morning, and you're drinking in college.

-It's one tiny hip flask.

I know you've got other sources of booze here.

Oh, where?

There. And there.

So what? It's just a little drink to get me through the day.

I'm not prepared to listen to this.

CLANG!

Ollie, have you got a keg in there?

Well, maybe a teeny one.

-This isn't right.

-Oh, and you'd know all about what's right, wouldn't you,

little Miss "I'm so perfect, cos I only drink socially

"and never alone in my wardrobe whilst crying and plotting revenge"?

-Ollie.

-No, Jas. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got lessons to go to.

We are going to find a way of stopping you doing this.

I'll drink to that!

-DK?

-Shh! I'm in disguise. I've come as my mum.

You shouldn't be here!

I've got nowhere else to go, specsy-tits.

Well, I suppose it is quite handy. I was going to come looking for you.

I knew my body would get you in the end.

Yeah, yeah, cherubs have always been my secret yen.

-Yeah, really?

-Yes, DK, it's the tits that do it. Lesbian!

I just wanted to make you say it - it turns me on.

I wanted to give you this.

-Is it a present?

-No, it's a camel.

-Oh, just shut up and open it, you silly goose.

-Sorry. What's it for?

Well, you've been so generous in helping me settle into the group,

I just wanted to give you something to show I appreciate it.

Oh! Have you considered...?

-No.

-Oh, well, thank you, sweetheart.

This really is one of the nicest things anybody's... Ah!

I made it all myself. What do you think?

It's, er...it is...

90% Merino wool, 10% fairy lights - correct!

Bloody lovely, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Bloody lovely. Oh, there's a sheep on it! Wow!

I'm so pleased you like it.

Go on, then. Try it on.

Darren Karrimor!

-You gun-totin', pistol-whippin', hard-assed gangster!

-Er...yeah?

-Get out before I call the police on yo' sorry ass!

-Laterz, Meat Loaf.

Yeah, I'm totes in the hood, fo' sure.

So, what do you think? Will you be my student liaison officer?

Student liaison officer, eh?

That sounds like a position of power.

Of sorts.

It's to ensure the smooth running of the college.

I could do that. I love power.

-You will have to be fair and honest.

-And powerful!

Chloe, with power comes great responsibility.

No, with power comes corruption.

Maybe it isn't Matt I miss - maybe it's the power I wielded over him.

See ya, bitch!

Balamory.

Hello, middle-aged lady.

Can I tickle your chin whiskers... with my balls?

Isn't this nice, sitting here with our frosty glasses of ice-cold water?

And being thankful that we're not poisoning ourselves with nasty, cheap alcohol.

Oh, my God, is this vodka? Urgh!

I know, it's disgusting at this time of day.

-Could you pass me that cider?

-No!

Come on, Jas! It's got apples in it, it's part of my five a day.

You have five cans of cider a day?

Of course not. It's nearer ten.

Ten?!

I'm not a lightweight - I have the occasional shot here and there too.

Why won't you accept you have a problem?

You're in a bigger state of denial than Mr De Wilde.

-I don't have a problem.

-You were drunk at college.

I'd had a shock - somebody'd thrown up in my locker.

Yeah, you!

So what? Everyone gets drunk at college. It's not an offence.

It is an offence.

You're an offence!

Oh, for God's sake, Ollie, why won't you realise this is a very important matter?

-You have a problem with alcohol.

-You have a problem with alcohol...

hair, legs, tits, mee-mee-mee-mee-mee...

This is not a time for silliness, Ollie.

All right, peeps?

Hi, DK. Why are you dressed as an Aardman animation?

Robyn made it for me.

It's interesting.

Good use of bobbles and...sheep.

The important thing is that you like it, so do you?

Kind of. A bit.

Not really. No, I hate it!

But she seemed so pleased with herself, I couldn't bring myself to tell her it was hideous.

You better find a way to tell her soon, mate, or people are going to think you're an AIDS quilt.

-What if I told her in the form of a rap? Something like...

-Oh, God.

Yo yo, ladies, Mr K is in the house.

Wiki-wiki, wa-wa, braaaap!

I'm Mr K, I'm sure you'll agree

that the coolest person in the world is me.

I don't just mean cos of the way I speak

Or the fact my body's so sexy and sleek.

It's all about the image that I project

That makes chicks wet and guys erect.

So, I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I can't do your jumper,

But as a consolation, how about I pump ya? Balamory!

Oh, wow, did you like it?

No, I'm clapping cos you've stopped.

I've got an idea. Why don't you get Robyn an equally hideous jumper?

-Why?

-Actually, Georgie Best here's got a point, DK. If she hates it,

you're off the hook, guilt-free.

Yeah, I suppose it could work. Trouble is, where am I going to find a jumper as hideous as this?

You won't be able to find one in the shops. You'll have to make one.

If you think this jumper's laughable, the one I make's going to have you in stitches. Ha-ha!

Stitches! Get it?

I should write that down.

-Yeah, bye, DK.

-Yeah, bye, peeps.

So, back to Oliver Reed's addiction.

I'm not addicted, Jas.

OK, prove it. Let's see how long you can resist this.

Forever probably.

Piece of piss, eh, Jezza?

Where's Jezza?

You! Stand up straight!

Piss off.

Well, what about you? You! Pick that up!

Pick it up yourself.

-You, polish your buttons!

-Polish your tits!

Right.

You, make your bed!

Only if you shag me on it first!

Clearly I need to become more authoritative.

But how? What would Dr Goebbels do?

Apart from make silly puns and annoy everyone with that tickling stick.

No, wait, that's Ken Dodd -

I'm always getting those two comedians confused.

Hello, Chloe.

Hello, Matt.

Still chasing after geriatrics?

-I got turned down.

-Ha!

Well, I suppose any woman worth their salt wouldn't look twice at a little slug like you.

-Salt kills slugs.

-Yes.

As we found out that night we spent in my garden with a tub of Saxa.

Happy days.

Yeah, happier times.

So, you know your mum, is she getting on well with your dad at the moment?

Oh, for God's sake, you are vile!

-I was just wondering. Cos she's like a better version of you, isn't she?

-Get away from me!

HEARTBEATS POUND

Argh! I can't take it any longer!

I must have you, you dirty and delicious ferment!

You lasted 4 minutes and 32 seconds.

Congratulations, Ollie. That's nearly as long as in the sack.

Oh, God, Jas!

I need your help! I think...

I think I might be developing a problem with alcohol.

Developing? Ollie, I know you resisted that can, but during the time, you drank all those.

Oh, God! Jas...I need your help.

-Jas, I need your help.

-Ooh, echo!

Matt, please. Ollie's just made a startling admission.

Oh. I'm always doing that.

My secret is two pairs of pants.

Admission. Not emission.

Look, we'll talk in a bit, Ollie. ..What's the problem, Matt?

Chloe's right - what could I offer an older woman?

You've got lots to offer, Matt.

Older women are probably no different to younger, more attractive women.

We all want security, friendship and sex.

-And cider.

-No, Ollie!

Security, friendship and sex. Excellent.

-Where are you going?

-To seduce the Principal.

She's made of sexy circles.

-I got you this.

-Oh, you shouldn't have. What is it?

Open it up and see.

Oh!

Oh!

-Oh, DK it's...

-Yeah?

-It's...

-Yeah?

-It's beautiful!

What?!

I didn't think I'd find anyone who truly appreciated my avant-garde style. Where's yours?

I am saving it for a special occasion.

How can I thank you?

-Sex.

-Do you have a twat?

I am a twat.

Talking of special occasions...

-Yeah?

-I was toying with the idea of visiting a lesbian club.

I was going to go tonight, but I'm a bit nervous. Would you come with me?

Will I get to see gay ladies?

-Yes.

-Winner!

And we can both wear our jumpers.

There'll be gay ladies - it's still a winner.

You have been expelled!

Right, I'm calling the police.

Police! Police! Yoo-hoo!

It's Wilberforce!

Boys in blue, I want to see your helmets!

Principal, do you think it's true all we want is security, friendship and sex?

That's a very adult question.

Yes, I suppose I do.

-What the hell are you doing?

-I'm securing you.

-We all want security.

-Unless you let me go, I'll call security.

Would you like a friendship pie?

Actually, yes, I would like a friendship pie, but what are you doing now?

Dancing for you. In a sexy way.

Stop, Matt, stop!

What the hell is going on?

-I'm trying to seduce a middle- aged woman.

-How dare you!

-What, try to seduce you?

-No, suggest I'm middle-aged!

Now bugger off!

Schweinhund!

Chloe, what the hell are you doing?

I am establishing my authority as student liaison officer.

Nobody else will listen to me, so I've come to screech at you until I feel powerful again.

-Right. You listen here, Herr Flick.

-It's Sturmbannfuhrer Chloe, actually.

This is very offensive! If you carry on like this, I'm going to kill your army of monkeys.

No!

My pretties. I thought this would help me get over Matt.

I thought it was the power I missed.

Has it ever occurred to you, you mad little freak, that maybe you miss him?

-Oh, you mean I miss the feeling of superiority I get when I speak to him?

-Actually...

Excellent. Then I shall have to chum up to an inferior intellect.

Have you got a moment? Fine, I'll have to try...Robyn!

-Prick.

-Did somebody call?

Ollie, how are you feeling now?

Nothing that makes me want a tot of the hard stuff more than Chloe dressed as a Nazi.

It is amazing how often she does that.

Look, Ollie, it's going to be fine.

We just need to find a way of getting you off the demon drink.

I dunno, Jas, it's been a crutch for me for so long, I don't think I can do without it.

We just have to find something to replace it, that's all.

Something that won't rot your liver.

Or turn your eyes that scary yellow colour.

You look like a goat.

Lots of people try cannabis to cure their addiction.

-That's illegal.

-Well, then, it's back to the drawing board.

Or as I like to call it...whisky.

And...how old were you again?

No, no, Matt. You wouldn't be able to handle a woman like me.

No, I suppose you are quite oily. I would only drop you.

DK! The man I wanted to see.

Do you know where I could get some cannabis?

Dude, drugs are for losers.

I'm an adventure scout.

OK, meet me at the docks, 1am.

Frank the Chop and Harry the Stab will meet us there with some pure mad Mary Jane.

-Really?!

-No, you prick. Why would I mess around with stuff like that?

I'm already smooth and toasty enough, man.

I know where to get cannabis! Well, not cannabis. Tomatoes.

-Thanks, Matt, but no.

-It's funny, because the police keep coming

to my dad's allotments, cos the tomato plants look like marijuana.

Then they leave because the tomato plants are not marijuana, even though they look like marijuana.

Then I get my hair ruffled by a nice policeman who says, "Think you might be a copper one day, young man?"

Then I go red. They haven't done that for a while.

I miss being shorter.

-So you're saying that tomato plants look like pot?

-Oh, yeah, identical.

So all I have to do is get down the garden centre to stop Ollie

drinking and I won't have to break the law! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Eurgh! Get off me with your smooth, unlined face and gravity-defying arse.

All right, meat-flaps. Is there something matter?

It's the Principal. She turned me down.

Yeah, she's always doing that.

It's like she's got some weird moral issue with shagging her students.

It's not fair. I really wanted another middle-aged bird.

Ain't going to happen, toots. They're too picky.

You're probably right. I'll just have to go even older.

What?

Well, look at it this way. If a 40-year-old was twice

as good as Chloe, imagine what an 80-year-old would be like!

-Hello, love.

-So...Robyn Crisp.

I hear modern science is making a great advance on the actualities of string theory.

I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Availability of water will be the next geo-political crisis point.

-Wouldn't know.

-Medieval chess boards had 52 pieces each.

Give a toss! Chloe, are you deliberately trying to befuddle me?

-Yes.

-Well, you're succeeding.

-I know.

And it's not helping me at all.

What's the matter?

I thought being intellectually superior was what I missed about Matt.

I therefore surmised the gnawing sadness which plagues me

night and day would be banished if I bamboozled you.

I'm sorry...

I miss him so much...

Oh, Chloe, come here.

Are you going to touch me up?

What do you think I am - some sort of rampant pussy fiend?

Yes, I was, actually.

I love a girl in uniform.

Jas this is amazing.

I'm like totally schizzled...

completely whacko Jacko.

Good drug speak.

Do you feel "groovy"?

Hey, it's not me talking, it's da reefer.

Da shrub, da 'erb.

I can't help it if I'm completely barneyed, if I'm completely jallopied on the old fuzzeroo.

Well, I'm glad it's taken your mind off the drink.

It's taken my mind off the everythingydingle.

Wait, I think I'm starting to hallucinate.

What's that on that hash plant? It looks like a tomato.

What?

There, Jas.

That's not a tomato, that's a...pot bulb.

There's no such thing as a pot bulb.

-How could you?!

-With ease.

Anyway, it was for your own benefit. You still got toasted on some premium.

Tomato, Jas!

I smoked a tomato!

Mmm, delicious.

Well, it's not real Basil bush.

No. Frankly, where would I have got that?

I dunno, Amsterdam?

The Principal? George Michael?

Shut up.

The point is, you lied to me.

You betrayed my trust, so I'm going to betray yours. Mmmm, delicious.

I give up.

Hey, you! Young man, what do you think you're doing, traipsing your muddy shoes all over my wet floor?

Sorry old lady.

You want to be more careful.

You don't want to do yourself a Morris mischief and crack your Norman noggin.

Why are you looking at me like that?

It's just...

I find you very attractive.

I wonder...could you see yourself falling for someone like me?

# And I love you so

# The people ask me how

# How I've lived to now

# I tell them I don't know

# I guess they understand

# How lonely life has been

# Till life began again

# The day you took my hand

# And yes, I know how lonely life can be... #

Yes!

# The shadows follow me

# And the night won't set me free

# But I don't let people get me down... #

Panic! Panic!

# She's a model and she... #

-Shall we turn on?

-OK.

Look, sweetheart, are you sure wearing these was a good idea?

Don't worry, DK, I'm sure you're going to fit right in.

Look, DK,

it's a lesbianathon!

I'll get us some drinks.

Shall we have a Velvet Tipper

or a Fingersmith?

Just a glass of Waters, please, sweetheart.

Hey, are you all right?

Yeah... Look...

Robyn, this lesbian jumper...

I know.

I really hope mine helps me pull.

-I've wanted to start dating for ages.

-Well, maybe...

maybe you could have mine.

Just for tonight, I mean. It's better-made and...

Oh, DK!

-I don't know what to say.

-That's all right.

-Cos I've got a change of clothes in my bag, so I'll just...

-Hey, there.

All right, sweetheart.

-I love this knitwear. You wanna dance?

-Oh, no, no...

Sure you do! Come to momma!

No, it's just, I'm not...

Gay? No, of course you're not.

No, I mean, I've got a cock.

A strap-on?

Excellent.

You are beautiful.

I hate this lesbian jumper!

Hi, Jas.

Hello, Ollie.

Look...I'm sorry.

I guess it took me smoking some tomatoes to realise that I have got a problem with alcohol.

That, and I went without a drink with four hours and saw spiders crawling all over me.

Yeah, you have been losing control a bit, Ollie.

I only pissed my pants four times.

Five. Although, technically, you were naked and ranting about how unfair life is for the fifth.

Everyone has their dark moments.

Not in Double English.

-So do you think you can stay teetotal?

-I don't know.

I'll give it a go...with your help.

I'm always here for you, Ollie.

Oh, good. Cuddles etc.

Excuse me while I vomit up my lean cuisine.

Hello, Chloe. So how's your dictatorship?

-I'm revolting.

-True.

I've figured out I don't miss power or intellectual superiority.

-I just miss...

-I'm never dating an old lady ever again!

Because one, they die...

-..and two, those chocolates were really expensive.

-Very good.

-Just leave me alone, I don't want to talk.

-What did she do?

That tongue found places on me I didn't even know existed.

You mean you lost your virginity to her?

Not my virginity, exactly.

More my self-respect.

And all my earwax.

And some snot.

And my belly button cheese...and I want them back!

But did she, you know,

bonk you?

No.

She tried to unstrap my strap-on...

..and it nearly snapped my cock in half.

There he is! There he is, Mummy!

I mean, Principal!

Darren Karrimor! Do you know the meaning of expulsion?

I'm sorry. I just...

I really missed you, Biatch.

Aw. I missed you too...

-Wilberforce, call the police.

-Police! Police! Yoo-hoo!

Using the phone, you hairy chump!

Wiki wiki wa wa bugger.

I am Princess Chloe, in the shed, waiting for ghosts to arrive.

Argh! A ghost!

The prodigal son has returned!

Come to Wilberforce!

No, no, that's fine... OK.

Come here.

I think my knickers just exploded!

ALL: Balamory.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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