Memory Man Count Arthur Strong


Memory Man

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Transcript


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Well, what a lovely looking bunch you are. What a lovely looking lot.

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You'll like this. I usually like to sleep in the nude.

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Which is usually absolutely fine, apart from on those long flights.

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'I went to the doctor the other day, I said,

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'I need something for persistent wind.

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'He gave me a kite.'

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I didn't know my father. He was someone who dropped by on weekends.

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Some weekends.

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There are literally millions of people out there better

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qualified to write a book about him.

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Can't you get me out of it?

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I could make some calls, if you're willing to give back the advance.

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Er... No.

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Who's this?

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That, my love, is Arthur Strong, your father's old comedy partner.

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Dad was in a double act? You see, I didn't even know that.

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You just need to research your dad's life as you would with

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anything else. You say you didn't know him. This man did, for a start.

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He might have a story to tell.

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BUZZER

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GLASS SMASHES

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-You rang the bell.

-I did. Arthur Strong?

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-I've broken a plate because of you.

-Sorry. I'm Michael Baker.

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That was dishwasher-safe, that was.

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Sorry about that. Michael Baker, Max Baker's boy.

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-Come on in then, I've unplugged it.

-Unplugged?

-There it is. There it is.

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It's never worked properly, the bloody thing.

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-What is it?

-What do you mean, what is it?

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Just, what is it?

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There is really no other way of saying it. I don't know what it is.

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-It's a foot spa.

-Oh, right.

-You know, a spa for your feet.

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You know what a spa is, don't you?

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It's where you go to relax, and have towel dressing gowns and a bar.

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It's like that, except your feet go to it.

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And there's no bar.

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How are you going to fix it if you don't know what it is? How does that work?

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Sorry, I think... I'm Michael Baker, Max Baker's boy.

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Oh, what does he want? Sent you round to apologise, has he?

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Couldn't face me in person?

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-Just like him, mean-spirited, nasty little man.

-No, Arthur, he's dead.

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Is he? It wasn't me, if that's why you've come round.

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We got on like a house on fire. Shouldn't you have a warrant?

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-I'm Michael, I'm his son.

-And they've put you on the case?!

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-That's rather unorthodox.

-I'm not a policeman. I'm just his son.

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-You're little Michael!

-So you remember me? We've met?

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We did indeed. Last time I saw you, you burst into tears and urinated.

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-Really?

-I hope you've put that sort of thing behind you.

-Yes.

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That was the old me.

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I'm not clearing all that up, you can get that straight right now.

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No, no. I'm a fully grown man now.

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That doesn't make any difference, you see them going behind Tesco's

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-when the pubs chuck out. Was in the papers.

-I don't really want to...

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I don't care what your excuse is, if you need to go,

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you go on the toilet in this house like everybody else does.

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Or in the shower if you can't get out fast enough.

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-Here.

-What is this?

-For the toilet.

-I don't need the toilet.

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Why would I need these?

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Obviously to conceal any incidental noise one might

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make in the execution of an unexpected bombing mission.

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Could I take you out for lunch? I'd love to talk to you about something.

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I tell you what, I'd love a bit of lunch

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and to talk to you about something.

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-Great.

-Grab the foot spa.

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I'll just put me trousers on!

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-£2.60, and a tip, yes? For service.

-What?

-The service was good, yes?

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-Was there a problem with the service?

-Not at all.

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So there is no change. This is the tip, the tip is 40p.

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-Of course.

-Thank you very much, goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye.

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-Actually, I'm an author.

-I thought your name was Michael.

-It is.

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-I'm an Arthur. Arthur Strong.

-Oh! No, no. I'm an author.

-I'm an Arthur?

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What are you talking about?

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I've been asked if I will write a book about my dad.

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-Biography, memoir, sort of thing.

-Oh, what?

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-What do you want?

-Good afternoon.

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One of your all-day breakfasts, please.

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I don't know why, but number one seems to be beckoning me today.

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-Number one, please, with fried bread and baked beans.

-So number four?

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Yes, you can do it that way as well. Yes.

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-Katya, my Polish princess.

-Hello, Arthur!

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Katya, what have I told you about wearing eye shadow in my presence?

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If you're not careful, I'll end up chasing you around that table.

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-I shall let you catch me if you're not careful.

-Ho-ho! Oh, dear.

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Ha-ha-ha.

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Then what?

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-Yes?

-Nothing for me, thanks.

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-Just a cup of tea.

-Two teas.

-What?

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I don't know, I was only going to have one. Are you having two teas?

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-What?

-Do you want two teas? They must be doing an offer.

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-Buy one, get one free or something.

-Two teas? No. Just one tea.

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Sorry.

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I have a foot spa.

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I tell you what, I will have two teas.

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-Go on then, I'll support your new enterprise.

-Two teas.

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So, you wanted to meet me because we both have the same name.

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We don't have the same name. My name is Michael.

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-I'm an au... I'm a writer.

-Oh, a writer, eh? Ho-ho-ho!

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And what books have you Arthured?

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Sorry! What books have you Michaeled?

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ARTHURED! AUTHORED!

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-I don't think you've probably heard of it.

-Go on, try me.

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Well, my best-known work is called

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Museums: Their Conscience, Our Conscience.

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The Daily Telegraph described my attention to

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detail as bordering on the anal.

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-Is that a good thing?

-I chose to take it as a good thing, yes.

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So how come your dad was a funny man, some might say?

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And you went on to write books about anal museums?

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I don't really know. To be honest, Arthur,

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Dad and I never really saw eye to eye.

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A-ha! So you want me to help you put the boot in. Is that it? Hatchet job.

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It mustn't be a hatchet job, I just want the truth.

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That's why it's important for me to fill

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the gaps about the years that you worked together.

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Not looking to settle any scores.

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Working with your father was a bloody nightmare from beginning to end.

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Ha-ha! Great.

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-All right, John? Have you heard about the teas offer?

-What teas offer?

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-Bulent's doing a special offer, two teas for the price of one.

-Is he?

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That's what he told me. I'm having two.

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-All right? Can I have two teas?

-Two teas.

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There's a service for friends and family tomorrow, if you're about.

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-Tomorrow? That is very inconvenient. Are you sure?

-Quite sure.

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I shall have to move some things around.

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Eggy! Eggy! You owe me a pound.

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You owe me a pound.

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-I owe you a pound, don't I, Arthur?

-Yes, you do.

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Don't you try and wriggle out of it.

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GLASS SMASHES

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THEY CHEER

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-Arthur, are you going to Kempton tomorrow?

-Are you going to Kempton?

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-You, when is Max's party?

-Tomorrow.

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It's not a party, it's more of a remembrance thing because he's dead.

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That is very inconvenient. I was looking forward to going to Kempton.

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You've only just heard about it.

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You can look forward to things you've only just heard about.

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Like if you turn on the telly,

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and they say the Hairy Bikers is just finishing.

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-No, no, no. I won't be coming.

-Two teas.

-Thank you very much.

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Although, thinking about it, Bulent,

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they shouldn't both come at the same time. One of them will go cold.

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-How else would I bring them?

-I don't know. Why are you asking me?

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It is your initiative, isn't it? How do people normally have them?

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Every day, this. Every day.

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-The special offer!

-What special offer? There is no special offer.

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I think that's my tea.

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Do you know, it strikes me

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you've begun this enterprise in a very cavalier fashion.

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It's a right shambles. Just leave it. I will have them both at once.

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-I'm getting a little bit fed up with this now.

-Every day.

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-He's not thought that through, has he?

-I think that's my tea.

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-Oh!

-Sorry.

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-These napkins are useless. Look at them.

-He's a tight sod, Bulent.

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There are barely big enough to wipe your bottom on.

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It's a heck of a job.

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I tell you what, you should come back to mine after.

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I've got some old photos from those days.

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I expect you will want to see my Memory Man act.

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I do this thing where I remember things.

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I've got an extraordinary memory.

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Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmases. You name it.

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-I can remember it.

-There you go, Arthur.

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£1. What's that for?

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He's actually kind of amazing.

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You're right, he's just what the book needs.

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Get through all this crap about Dad, get to the truth.

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Do be careful it doesn't turn into a hatchet job.

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Why does everybody say that?

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And you've invited him to the remembrance service?

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He sounds like the kind of person who might ruin it.

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Really? That thought hadn't occurred to me at all.

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-At the same time?

-What the flip?

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You asked for two teas, I bring them.

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I didn't know they'd come at the same time.

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That's what I said to him. He's not thought that through.

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What's the point of two teas at the same time?

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I don't know. Don't ask me. Don't interrogate me.

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I'm the one that is trying to make some sense of the whole affair.

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-What have you got here?

-A foot spa. Top of the range. Are you interested?

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-What are you asking?

-£11 to a friend.

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I tell you something, it's like you're walking on air

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when your feet come out of that.

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There is a lot of nonsense talked about water and electricity

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-and plastic not going together.

-I'd like to try it first.

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Slip your shoes and socks off. Here, where's a socket?

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Don't tell Bulent, he'll try and charge us for the electric.

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Tight sod. I'll get some water for it.

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I'm feeling really positive, actually. Things are looking up.

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Oh, it's you. Don't need to get up, I just want the sink for the foot spa.

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You finish.

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Might be getting shot of the bloody thing at last.

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Things are looking up.

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You all right?

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Yes, sorry, you don't... It's none of my business,

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but you don't need the apostrophe in chips.

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-What?

-There's an apostrophe in chips, and you don't need it.

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-It's plural.

-Oh, well, that's my brother's department. BULENT!

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Oh, God, no! Please don't.

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-You should say something, he'd appreciate it.

-Really?

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Yes, he'd want to get it right. He'll thank you.

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-What?

-You got the sign wrong.

-Well, not wrong, just... Hi.

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It's just chips here has an apostrophe, and you don't need it.

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It's a plural so you don't need it. That's all. It's not a big thing.

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-Oh, I see. So there is no need for this thing before the S?

-No.

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-Oh, thank you so much! I am so embarrassed.

-You shouldn't be.

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-All too common mistake.

-No, I am really embarrassed.

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-In fact, why don't you run the cafe?

-Sorry?

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Here. Take this.

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Now you can write the sign and do the cleaning and cooking

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and dealing with all the things I have to deal with every

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day of my miserable life in this place where there ain't no sun!

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I don't want to run a cafe.

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I have an announcement. This man is the new owner of the cafe.

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-What's your name?

-It's Michael.

-Michael.

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Everyone, say hello to Michael.

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ALL: Hello, Michael.

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Can I have a number four, please, Michael? No eggs.

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That's a number three!

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I'm not the new owner. It's just plurals don't need apostrophes.

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What's that smell?

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Do you smell that? What is that?

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FOOT SPA BUBBLES

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I can feel a tingling sensation.

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See? It's like having your feet in an angel.

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What the flip?!

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I'll be with you in a moment, Bulent.

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We are conducting a business transaction.

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Get me another two teas.

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Sorry, John. Make that four teas.

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METAL CLANGING

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CLANGING STOPS

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SINGLE LOUD CLANG

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TOILET FLUSHES

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I'll leave all this here if you need it.

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Thank you.

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I can't believe you have this publicity shot.

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-Oh, you know that one, then?

-I certainly do.

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He gave it to me for my 13th birthday.

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Signed like this and everything. Didn't even put my name on it.

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I'd forgotten about that, actually. It's a good one for the book.

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You ready, then?

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Well, that depends.

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What's going to happen?

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My Memory Man act.

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-Oh, right. Yes. It's just...

-This is why we broke up.

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I wanted to take the act in an exciting new direction

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and your father wasn't having it.

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Hang on, the light's not right. Switch that one off there, will you?

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Welcome, stranger. I am Count Arthur Strong, the Memory Man.

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And I can remember things that other people have...real difficulty with.

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My brain is an extraordinary, um...organ, isn't it?

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I'm sure you'll agree you'll have never seen, um,

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an organ like the one I've got.

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Many scholars have tested and prodded it,

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trying to find out just what is going on with me.

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I simply am an amazing...

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organ.

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How are such feats of memory possible? Is he human?

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Now, you, um...

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Michael?

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Michael. I know!

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Now, you, Michael, get to be as confused and disoriented

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as those selfsame scholars.

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I have here a pen and a piece of paper.

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I want you to write down on that piece of paper

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99 single-digit numbers of your own choice in a random proportion.

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-99?

-No more, no less.

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-That's going to take

-forever. Better get on with it then, hadn't you?

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I'm not sure this act would particularly work.

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-People would be sitting in silence for ages.

-Oh, shut up, Max.

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-Michael.

-Well, start acting like a Michael, then,

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and a little bit less like a clever dick.

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Right, that's 99, I think.

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ARTHUR SNORES

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Arthur?

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-Arthur!

-Wha...? Oh, it's mine.

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In a moment, I will ask you to turn the paper round

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so that I can commit all 99 numbers to memory

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in the arbitrary sequence what you have written them down in.

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I will then reiterate to you your numerical string.

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Now, reveal to me the number conundrum.

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Oh. Oh, dear. Hang on a second.

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That's better. Bloody pitch black it was until then.

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How am I supposed to...

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This bloody thing, isn't it? Eh?

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GLASS BREAKS, WATER SPLASHES

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Oh, no!

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It's all right. I've had him out for ten minutes before.

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Arthur, please come tomorrow.

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No, no, I've got Kempton.

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You'd be able to maybe say a few things.

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-Eh?

-There'll be quite a few people there.

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What, more than, like, six? A proper audience?

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Proper audience.

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You'd be able to share all your thoughts about Dad,

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really give it to him. A proper send-off, that is.

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I'll think about it.

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Now shut up while I do this.

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Ahem-hem-hem.

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Eight, seven, six, four, three, two, seven, five, five, seven, one,

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five, five, seven, oh, seven, four, zero...

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TALKS GIBBERISH

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Ooh!

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Oo-oo-ooh!

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The numbers you selected were, in chronological order,

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-were two...

-No.

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-What?

-The first one's not two.

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-Is it nine?

-No.

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-One?

-No.

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-Is it seven?

-No.

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You can't have numbers like 11 and 12, if that's what you're doing.

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They're all single digits, like you said.

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-Eight.

-No.

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-Four.

-No. Shall I tell you?

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No! Some Memory Man act that would be

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if you just told me what you'd bloody well written down.

0:21:230:21:26

There's a skill to this, you know. It's not as easy as I make it look.

0:21:260:21:31

What numbers haven't I said yet?

0:21:310:21:33

THREE, five, six and zero.

0:21:330:21:36

-Zero.

-No.

0:21:360:21:38

-Six.

-No.

-What were the other ones?

0:21:380:21:40

THREE...and five.

0:21:400:21:43

-Five!

-No!

0:21:430:21:45

-Three!

-Correct!

-Hurray!

0:21:450:21:48

That's some act!

0:21:480:21:49

Oh, it's not over yet. Next number.

0:21:490:21:52

-Is it three again?

-No! Oh...

0:21:540:21:57

-Dad hated this, right?

-Yes.

0:21:570:21:59

Well, he won't be there tomorrow.

0:21:590:22:03

-All right, I'll come with you.

-Great.

0:22:030:22:05

-Eight!

-No.

-Oh.

0:22:050:22:07

But who was Max Baker really?

0:22:090:22:12

We all knew he was a funny man and life and soul of the party,

0:22:120:22:17

but no matter how busy he was, he always had time for his family.

0:22:170:22:21

We all had great respect for him for his comedy

0:22:210:22:25

and he could steal a joke as well as anybody I knew.

0:22:250:22:28

LAUGHTER

0:22:280:22:29

And if there is a heaven, I believe Max is there at the bar

0:22:290:22:34

waiting for somebody to get a round in.

0:22:340:22:37

Thank you.

0:22:370:22:39

The bloody thing will be over by the time we get in here.

0:22:410:22:44

But Arthur, I cannot eat solids.

0:22:440:22:48

-Maybe there's soup.

-Excellent, excellent! Ah, everyone's here.

0:22:480:22:50

-You know Katya, John, Eggy.

-Hey up.

0:22:500:22:53

-Do you have soup?

-Soup? No.

0:22:530:22:55

What kind of memorial doesn't have soup?

0:22:550:22:57

I would say every memorial doesn't have soup.

0:22:570:23:00

But I cannot eat solids.

0:23:000:23:02

Well, have a sandwich. Chew it until it's liquid, and then swallow it.

0:23:020:23:07

Make your own soup in your mouth.

0:23:070:23:10

Arthur, you are OK to say a few words still, aren't you?

0:23:100:23:13

What, about Max? You bet your life.

0:23:130:23:15

-Great. Great.

-Bring it on. Come on.

0:23:150:23:18

Ladies and gentlemen, this is exciting,

0:23:210:23:23

a bit of a change to the programme. Max's former comedy partner,

0:23:230:23:27

a man I haven't seen for over a quarter of a century,

0:23:270:23:30

ladies and gentlemen, Count Arthur Strong!

0:23:300:23:33

Thank you. Thank you for that warm welcome. I really do.

0:23:380:23:42

So, what can I tell you about the late Max Baker?

0:23:430:23:49

Well, I for one...

0:23:510:23:54

uh, will miss him dreadfully.

0:23:540:23:57

He was a lovely man, always a kind word for everyone.

0:23:570:24:01

That's what I remember about him.

0:24:010:24:04

The life and soul of the party, but also a real family man.

0:24:040:24:09

Oh, and here, this picture. I was there when he got those shots.

0:24:090:24:13

I thought there was something funny because I wasn't in any of them.

0:24:130:24:16

Do you know, he was so excited when they got those photographs,

0:24:160:24:19

I'll never forget it. He came to the dressing room.

0:24:190:24:23

He took the top one out, signed it, put it to one side

0:24:230:24:27

and said, "That's for little Michael."

0:24:270:24:29

-CROWD:

-Aw!

0:24:290:24:31

But enough of me. Anyway,

0:24:310:24:33

let's hear from the little man himself, Max's pride and joy,

0:24:330:24:36

my new best friend, Michael Baker.

0:24:360:24:40

APPLAUSE

0:24:400:24:43

Uh, thank you, Arthur. Thank you, Barry.

0:24:490:24:51

What to, uh...

0:24:510:24:53

What to, what to say about my, uh...

0:24:550:24:58

-HIS VOICE CRACKS

-..about my dad?

0:25:010:25:03

Sorry...

0:25:040:25:06

Sorry.

0:25:130:25:15

HE SOBS

0:25:150:25:16

Have you got a handkerchief or something, please?

0:25:200:25:23

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

0:25:290:25:31

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY

0:25:320:25:35

-Eugh!

-Urgh!

0:25:360:25:38

Haven't you got anything bigger?

0:25:420:25:44

Ah, no, no!

0:25:460:25:48

DISGUSTED MURMURINGS

0:25:480:25:50

It really is just going through, Arthur. It's just going through.

0:25:590:26:03

LOUD HONKING

0:26:050:26:07

-HE WAILS

-This is embarrassing!

0:26:090:26:14

Arthur, it's like sneezing into a Battenberg!

0:26:150:26:18

I feel like The Exorcist!

0:26:220:26:24

Oh, what a lovely speech.

0:26:270:26:30

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Baker.

0:26:300:26:33

And now, in a change to the scheduled running order,

0:26:360:26:40

journey with me to the mystic world of memory

0:26:400:26:45

as I, Count Arthur Strong...

0:26:450:26:47

CROCKERY SHATTERS

0:26:470:26:49

SHE CHOKES

0:26:490:26:51

Katya!

0:26:510:26:53

-What do I do?

-Give her the Heimlichan manoeuvre!

0:26:530:26:56

What is that? How do you do it?

0:26:560:26:58

You sort of punch her in the stomach from behind, in a nice way.

0:26:580:27:02

Katya, this is Michael doing this to you,

0:27:030:27:06

should you wish to press charges.

0:27:060:27:08

FABRIC TEARS

0:27:080:27:10

Oh, God!

0:27:100:27:11

What do I do now?

0:27:130:27:14

-Don't put her down!

-What do I do?

0:27:140:27:17

SIREN WAILS

0:27:180:27:20

KATYA GROANS

0:27:200:27:22

Could someone rub my foot?

0:27:240:27:26

-Why didn't you tell me that?

-What?

0:27:400:27:42

About my dad? About the photo?

0:27:420:27:44

Oh, yes, he never stopped talking about you.

0:27:440:27:47

It was Michael this, Michael that.

0:27:470:27:49

You know, he always had your picture on his dressing room mirror.

0:27:490:27:53

He would tap it for luck before he went on stage.

0:27:530:27:56

Why didn't you tell me?

0:27:560:27:57

Can't remember everything.

0:28:000:28:02

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:290:28:32

HE LAUGHS

0:28:350:28:37

ELECTRICITY BUZZES

0:28:440:28:46

Aaargh!

0:28:470:28:50

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