Arthur.com Count Arthur Strong

This is somebody else, this is obviously not you.

No, no, no, I've had all this before. Dear, oh, dear!

I do not claim that that is me.

That photograph is merely there to show you what a relaxed

human male MIGHT look like.

When I picked up this card in the newsagents, I thought...

Let me stop you there. Look, I'm no Tom Daley, I admit it.

No, no, no, that's very kind of you, but I'm not,

I don't care what you say.

Look, what I bring to the table is a body that has lived.

My body has been there, done it, got the T-shirt.

So, the choice is yours, you can either take the easy route, or

you can accept the unique challenge that a body like mine might set you.

-It is entirely up to you.

-I think we'd rather...

-That's settled, then.

I'll hang this up here, shall I?

ALL GROAN

How do you want me, then - socks on or socks off?

I tell you what, I'll leave them on till the heating's kicked in.

Ooh, I should just mention, fluctuations in temperature

may change some aspects of my physicality.

So, you might want to make allowances for that in any

sizing-up you do. Just be a bit more generous than you usually would.

Is this all right? Or, I can do a Christine Keeler.

-Oh, don't use that chair!

-What? Oh, right.

Oh, don't worry about me. A little bit of a breeze never hurt anyone.

Where's she off to? The canteen?

Ooh, do you know, I could murder a sausage roll meself.

Ah, morning, Arthur. You're in late.

-Have to say, you missed a right old ding-dong earlier.

-Oh, yeah?

John came in and he didn't have the right change

and Bulent got very frustrated and John said...

Oh, it was something really funny...

-John, what was it again you said to Bulent earlier?

-Sorry?

-You said something earlier to Bulent, it was really funny.

-Did I?

-Yes!

You know, um... HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH

I'm sorry I missed that(!)

How much longer is he going to be here?

-Who is he?

-Me old comedy partner's son.

He's writing a book about his bloody dad. He's called Martin.

-Michael. I can hear this whole conversation!

-Can you?

Oh, I knew that, I was just having a bit of fun with you.

Oh, right, ha-ha, nicely done! Oh, I love all this.

Oh, Arthur, where did you and Dad do your National Service again?

Aden. And it was bloody hot.

It was that hot, you could fry an egg on a tank.

Although it, erm, wouldn't... taste very nice.

Not the same can be said about my good friend Bulent's eggs!

I don't mean YOUR eggs, in that way.

I'm not inferring that you produced them from your body.

Mind you, people would pay good money to see that.

You might want to give that some thought.

I-I couldn't eat one, though. Oh, no, no, no!

I couldn't eat a human egg!

I'm surprised at you!

-Yes?

-I-I'm not very hungry.

Can I have a number four, please?

Oh, you don't want a number four, mate.

You want to get a number two, with some lovely sausages.

That IS a number four. You want a number four.

Don't listen to him, talk to him, or take any advice from him.

You, are you going to eat something?

I-I've already eaten.

I-I'll have a cup of tea, please.

Good morning, Katya, my perfumed garden!

Good morning, Arthur!

-I found out what he does. Our mystery man.

-Oh, yeah? Who is he?

He's a restaurant critic. He's doing a big thing on local cafes.

-What?

-Yeah. Big write-up on all the cafes in the area.

Sinem! Si...

Sorry, have I done something to upset Bulent?

Erm... It's the way you're sitting.

In Turkey, it's sort of...

-overfamiliar to sit facing the cook.

-Oh, is it?

-Well, if you don't know him very well.

-Oh! Why didn't somebody...

-He should have said!

-It is pretty widely known.

-I really didn't know, I'm so sorry!

-I did wonder.

-It seemed a bit insensitive of you.

-I promise, I didn't know.

I'm not one of those... I'm not a... No, I'm a nice man, I promise.

-Here, Martin...

-Michael!

-What would you pay for a work of art like that?

-What am I looking at?

-It's me.

-There's my head and there's my socks.

-And what's that...

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, no!

-Good, isn't it? Do you want to buy it?

-I'll pay you to burn it.

Here, John! Take a look at this.

Oh, God, it's still in my eyes!

-What ARE you doing here?

-What? Oh. Er... I like it here.

I'm getting so much done.

And Arthur's being brilliant, he's like Google.

But a Google that has lots of information about my dad.

There's surprisingly little about my dad's early years on the internet.

-And what's Arthur getting out of it?

-Sorry?

You going to give him royalties or something?

HE LAUGHS

-No.

-You see what he has to do to get by.

I guess I thought it would be nice if you could pay him back

for all the help he's given you.

Hello, Sinem. What are you up to?

-Oh, you know, just keeping myself amused.

-Oh.

-You didn't have to come, I can do this myself.

-You sure?

-It's not a problem.

-Just leave me alone.

-Oh, sorry.

I need to get a paper, anyway.

Excuse me, do you know if there are any Guardians left?

I don't work here, mate.

No, no, I didn't think you did. I just, erm...

I thought you... might... read it, too. And...

Do you know if there are any Guardians?

No, there don't seem to be. Anyway, it's been very nice talking to you.

And... nice to meet you.

Goodbye. God bless you.

(I have to go. We have to go!)

I've got to get me cards, they've gone yellow!

How many of these do you have up here? Are these all you?

-These are all you!

-They are. This shop window is my...

shop window.

French polishing? German lessons?

You can't speak German, can you?

Ah, I do not claim to be able to speak German.

I just talk about Germany for a bit.

-Anyway. Can we please just go?

-All right, all right, keep your hair on!

Oh, sorry, I thought, um... From... God! Do you want to... Oh, sorry.

There we go, sorry, very nice to meet you, goodbye.

For God's sake, get a grip on yourself!

-God, that was awful!

-What was?

-He thinks that I think that...

-I DON'T think that.

-You don't think what? Whatever are you on about?

He doesn't think I'm a nice man.

He doesn't think I'm a nice man!

What does that matter to you?

I can't have that, I can't have people thinking I'm not a nice man.

But I am a nice man!

Well, if it means anything, I think you are a very nice man, Martin.

-It's Michael!

-Here, hold those.

-Horse rising lesions? What are horse rising lesions?

-What?

Well, it's when you get a horse and you...

Give that to me.

Handwriting lessons!

Dear, oh, dear!

My two favourite customers! Please, please, come, come, sit! Please.

Please. My friend, yeah, very nice, please. Sit down.

A word about the menu, look out for the sausages, which have a touch

of fennel, I think a very nice effect, and the baked beans, which

-have been sprinkled with cinnamon and sweetened with apple juice.

-Oh!

-I like the sound of that, yes, please.

-I'll have toast.

Why would anyone want to touch a sausage with a flannel?

-No, there's a touch of fennel in the sausages.

-That's what I said!

They must have been on the floor.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Don't know why, but my cheeks are really hurting.

-So, it's all right if I sit this way now?

-Oh, I don't know.

-It is a Tuesday.

-Oh, yes, God, sorry! Of course, yeah.

-Arthur, we need to swap.

-What?

-Quickly, quickly!

What is the matter with you today?

Ripper tours?

-You do Jack the Ripper tours?

-Yes. I have a mate with an ice cream van.

-So...?

-I do Jack the Ripper tours from the van.

-Why?

-Well, these Jack the Ripper tour guides, they make a mint, that lot.

But if you so much as go near their patch, they're all over you.

So, what you do is, you drive around Balham, looking for tourists,

and when you find a few, you jump out and give them

an instructional and educational Jack the Ripper tour.

-Why Balham?

-It's where they did all the murders.

-No, that was Whitechapel.

-Was it?

-Oh, wherever it was.

-But why do you do it from an ice cream van?

-I still don't get that bit.

-Well, that's the really clever part.

Two reasons.

Reason one, what do people do when they hear an ice cream van?

-They run out, don't they?

-If they're 10.

Well, when they run out, they see it's a Ripper tour

and they have that, instead of a cone.

-That's almost not an idea!

-Why not?

-Do you sell ice creams as well?

-No, no, no, that would be confusing.

People go up to an ice cream van for ice cream.

If they go up to an ice cream van and instead of getting an ice cream,

they get quite badly misinformed about Jack the Ripper, I don't

think people will pay for that service.

No part of this idea works.

I don't understand which part you think works.

The other thing is, you need a driver, in case one of the real

Ripper guides comes back and you have to make a quick getaway.

Ooh, they can be terribly aggressive people, Jack the Ripper tour guides.

Nobody's making a getaway in an ice cream van, they only do about 10 miles an hour.

-No, no. They're normal vans.

-What?

You never see them going at any kind of speed.

They've got to be careful of the kids, that's why they always go slow. They're normal vans.

Well, even if that's true, you've got a freezer

and a Whippy machine on there, don't see that doing above 30.

-It's connected to the music.

-Sorry?

-The faster the music, the faster the van goes.

-He's right, you know.

If you ever hear one playing Flight of the Bumblebee, run for your life!

Ohhh! There's something wrong with the beans!

Yeah, they've been on the floor.

He's had... He's had to wipe everything with a flannel!

-"I will tune your harpsichord." You know how to do that?

-I do indeed.

These are all very specific.

Do you really think a newsagent is the best pl...

Oh!

Arthur, do you know what you should do? Oh, my God! Get ready.

I am about to change your life.

Oh, I don't know about this, I'm not good with computers.

Arthur, it's so simple. I can guide you through the worst of it.

-Now, just press OK.

-Where's OK?

-No, it's not on the keyboard, it's on the screen.

-This one?

No, no, you just turned it off there. OK, just boot it back up again.

-And you're giving me this?

-Yes.

Yes, I'm actually giving you a computer. Right, here we go.

-Now, press OK.

-Where's OK?

-Again, not on the keyboard, it's on the screen.

See where it says OK?

OK, shall I do this bit?

Right, now, this is like an online messageboard type of thing.

You put things up here, and then people see them and get in touch.

Think of it like the shop window, but on a much bigger scale.

Millions of people can access this page.

Well, a lot of people saw that shop window. It was by a bus stop.

OK. Now, what kind of things do you want up here?

You can be as specific as you like.

Ooh, put, "Mesmero, the Child Hypnotist".

Mesmero, the Child Hyp... Sorry, what is that exactly?

It's a hypnotist act, except for kids.

I get them biting into onions, they think they're chickens, all that.

-They love it! Ooh, it's hysterical. Er, when it works.

-Right.

I'm not necessarily sure this is the right...

-You said anything!

-All right.

-BULENT:

-That's it! No, just leave it!

Put down, "Mesmero - I will make your child behave like an idiot!"

-BULENT:

-Go on, you know that you can do this.

-What's up with Eggy?

-He's complaining about the menu.

I said, "If you don't like it, you can bugger off."

No, no, what did you do that for? Eggy!

-Can you find phone numbers on this?

-Er, yes.

Just type what you're looking for into that space there.

-It's all good, isn't it?

-Yup.

I've helped you, I've done something for you.

In a sense, I've paid you back for all the help you've given me.

-Oh, yes.

-Good, good, great.

-Can I use your phone?

-I... Yes, yes.

Ahem!

Ahem-hem-hem!

Hello, could I speak to the Managing Director of Miami Fashions UK?

Oh, she's putting me through! This is amazing!

You were right, this is going to change my life!

-Oh, no problem, Arthur.

-Hello, is that the Managing Director? It is?

Oh, hello, how are you? I just wanted to say...

I've got you now, you bugger!

Why didn't you answer my letters?

38 times I've written to you about those socks! Well, I've got you now.

Because I found your number on the Ilfracombe!

So I'm on to you, I'm on to you! Watch your back!

Thank you.

-What was that?

-What?

-That was a threatening phone call!

-No, it wasn't.

-You just made a threatening phone call from my phone!

But it was monomynous, wasn't it?

No, they have my number now,

it wasn't "monomynous", it was me! They'll think that was me!

Oh, my God, there's a police officer over there.

What, Roger? It'd take more than that to shock Roger.

It'd take a bloody earthquake!

-Here, John, I'm saying, what would it take to shock Roger?

-Roger?

He's unflappable.

That's it, that's the very word, you hit the nail on the head there.

That's him to a tee, is inflammable!

-Unflappable.

-Inflammable.

-Unflappable.

-Unflappable!

That's it, is inflatable! Nothing fazes him.

-Anyway, I think I should take this computer back.

-What? No, you can't!

You can't take it off me, I feel powerful, like nobody can

touch me, like I could do anything I wanted! Give us me computer!

What are you going to do?

I'm going to tell that Stephen Fry what I think of him.

No, you are not! Oh, my God, you are a troll.

You've not been online 10 minutes and you're already a troll.

-You leave Stephen Fry alone! Give me that.

-Get off it! You gave me it!

-Get off!

-Oh, God! I'm going to have to ration you with that.

Almost wish I hadn't got you online, you... rascal.

How do you get the lid up?

Hey-hey! Ha-ha!

-He-e-ey!

-Hey, this is brilliant, look at all these people!

That review really did a good job.

Don't get too excited, they're not ordering anything. What review?

I got an alert from Tripadvisor. Hey-hey!

Hey-hey!

-But it's not... It couldn't be him.

-But it is, look, look!

Michael Baker. And look, he has given us...

one star.

-WOMAN:

-Thank you so much.

It's getting harder and harder to find people

who can do this kind of work.

-Do you have a picture of the harpsichord?

-Oh, er...

Actually, I think I do. Yeah.

Oh.

I'm afraid I'm unable to help you after all.

I had this completely different idea of what a harpsichord is.

-Oh.

-Number 43!

-I've come about the bikes, two free bikes to a good home?

-Oh, yes.

-Can I have a look at them?

-What?

-Let's have a look at them, then.

I haven't... I thought you were giving them away.

What would I want to give away two bikes for? Do I look like an idiot?

-I WANT two free bikes.

-Oh, sorry. Er...

Number 44!

One star? One star?!

No, no, no, I talk ABOUT Germany. The lessons are ABOUT Germany.

You know, "Heil Himmler," er, er... winning medals, all that.

Come on, come on, there's people waiting! 45!

-Why did you do this?

-What?

Why did you write these things about my cafe?

-I didn't write anything about your cafe.

-Don't test me, my friend, I will whisk you!

"The sausages have been wiped with a flannel."

"The eggs are unflammable." What does that even mean?!

-You are not a nice man.

-I am a nice man! Please don't whisk me.

That was Arthur, it must have been Arthur.

-He must have signed it under my name somehow.

-It's him?

How in the hell did he get on the internet?

Arthur and the internet are two things which must never go together.

Take him down. Take him offline.

HE SIGHS All right, all right,

-I'll do it.

-Now!

-Yes, now, of course.

Hello again. Sorry, you probably don't remember me.

I thought you worked in the newsagent. Don't know why I'm bringing it up again!

Anyway, we should, er, we should go for a drink sometime.

Arthur, this has to stop. I'm going to have to take you off the internet.

What? You can't!

Look at all these people, and they all want a piece of me!

You can't shut me down.

I'm just about to exchange my bank details with

the Prince of Nigeria himself!

I have to. You are out of control.

Out of control? Don't be a fool, man. I've never felt more powerful!

Look, Katya has nowhere to sit.

Katya? Nowhere to sit?

-What have I become?!

-See?

-I'm sorry, Arthur, I'm going to have to take you offline.

-No, no!

I won't let you!

You-you can't throw open the doors to a brave new world

and then take it all away from me! I've crossed the Rubicon, Michael.

And I like it! It's where I belong,

surfing the web of the...Ilfracombe!

-Sorry, Arthur.

-No, no, I won't let you, I won't let you!

-I'll make it up to you, I promise.

-How?

How can you possibly make it up to me?

ICE CREAM VAN JINGLE PLAYS "GREENSLEEVES"

Jack the Ripper tours! Stop me and go on one!

The notorious burglar and murderer...

GUTTURAL GURGLING

..Jack the Ripper and his... merry men.

He robbed from the rich and slaughtered all the prozzitutes.

Whitechapel, the end of the 19th century. Or thereabouts.

There is something in the air.

Is it the smell of the effluent that comes from not having proper,

er, toilets? No. It is the smell of fear. Fear of Jack the Ripper.

Who, or what, is, or was, Jack the Ripper?

That question has fascinated people's donkeys for years...

No, has fascinated people for donkey's years.

We know he lived at 221B Baker Street.

We know some called him The Elephant Man.

That much, at least, is beyond conjecture.

However, there is much that is shrouded in fog.

Follow me and I will show you how little I know...

IS known of this eternally romantic and dashing figure.

And it was on this very spot,

here, behind, er, Lidl's,

that the body of Jack's first victim was found.

I say "body" because the post-mortem revealed the victim had no head.

They do say that in the dead of night, she can still be heard,

walking these streets, tapping on windows and going on about it.

Now, are there any questions, before we carry on?

How could she be going on about it if she doesn't have a head?

Oh, very clever.

I'm sorry about this woman, everybody.

There's always one, isn't there?

Oi! What are you playing at?

-Were you all waiting for the 2pm Ripper tour?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-That's me!

I don't know who this bloke is, I was just getting a coffee.

-Have you given him any money?

-Yes, a tenner.

HORN BEEPS LOUDLY Sorry!

Sorry! No, it's all right, I was just... Hi!

Get it started, we're off!

This is them now. Right, don't panic, just put the music on.

JINGLE PLAYS

Everything is completely normal. Just a normal ice cream van.

I've told you, we don't do 99s!

Well, can I have a Fab?

We don't do Fabs! We don't do ALL of these ice creams!

It's Jack the Ripper tours.

Do you want to go on a Jack the Ripper tour? Is that your mother?

Go and ask her if you can have £15 for the Jack the Ripper tour.

If she says no, tell her school says you've got to do it.

Arthur... Some of these kids look a bit angry.

What, them ones with the Strawberry Mivvi?

-Maybe we should start selling ice creams.

-No, I've told you!

-It's confusing.

-Whatever. I'm going to get a sandwich.

-Have another Cornetto.

-I need real food.

I cannot eat any more Cornettos. I've got the worst ice cream headache.

Back in a second.

Jack the Ripper!

Hi... Hi! Erm... Er, sorry, I...

Sorry, excuse me?

-CLANGING METAL, HISSING

-What's going on now?

Get out of it! Oh, what have you done?

ICE CREAM VAN JINGLE PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE

-No!

-Where are you going?

-Wait! Wait!

-Argh!

-Wait, it's me!

-No! Please, no!

-It's me!

-Just stop, leave me alone!

-No, no! No, I'm a nice man!

-Leave me alone!

-No, I'm a nice man!

What are you doing?!

I-I found him.

ICE CREAM VAN HORN BEEPS

-BRAKES SQUEAL

-Martin! Get in!

DOOR SLAMS, TYRES SCREECH

ICE CREAM VAN JINGLE SPEEDS UP

What a day!

I think you're right. I'm better off without the Ilfracombe.

I don't like what it made me.

I'm-I'm more of a people person, Michael.

-Michael!

-I said Michael!

Oh, yes! You did, didn't you? Oh, sorry, shall I...?

-No, you're all right. Um, on the house. I'm sorry.

-What for?

-Sometimes, I'm not a nice girl.

-Oh, well!

I-I-I th-think you're very nice.

Thanks, Martin.

Are you sure I can't tempt you, Martin?

Ohh, no! Ohh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Right, and then, er... the Victorian policeman, yeah...

he chased the first Jack the Ripper, yeah, down...down over there.

And then...an ice-cream van turned up with another Jack the Ripper.

And he says, "Get in." And then they both just...

They just drove off.

Right.

So, we've got two Jack the Rippers in an ice-cream van,

pursued on foot by a Victorian policeman.

Yeah.

And what time was this?