The Seance Count Arthur Strong

And so it is that we say goodbye

to a woman of great poise and dignity.

Katya...

Seritska.

Ha! Got it that time.

May she rest...in peace.

MACHINE WHIRS LOUDLY

MACHINE JARS LOUDLY

Sorry, this keeps happening.

Erm... Let me have a look at it.

Someone said it might be the belt.

I tell you what's happened 'ere.

You got a gearing problem.

Your gearing's going to need replacing.

Ooh, sounds expensive.

Hold on a second.

MACHINE BUZZES

Probably noisy in the short-term, should be all right in a moment.

Great, thanks, you're a life-saver.

Apologies, everyone.

Mate?

-Not there.

-Sorry?

Someone's sitting there.

Who? There's no-one in the...

Eh, someone's sitting there, didn't you tell him?

-I did, yeah.

-No, you can't sit there.

You have to sit there or there.

All right, all right.

-What's he doing I...?

-I AM MOVING!

-Eggy, John, how's tricks?

-Oh, you know, surviving.

Wow, hello, stranger. Where have you been?

Oh, not been anywhere, actually, I'm going somewhere.

I've not been around because... Well, it's boring.

-Where's Arthur?

-We've not seen him.

Has he not been in yet?

-That's weird.

-Not been in for days, Michael.

Seriously, where have you been?

Oh, I've just been having a series of angry meetings with my publisher.

The book I handed in is not the book they want, apparently.

Now they're threatening to put this awful cover on it.

-For days?

-Not since Katya's funeral.

-Oh, that's not so bad.

-What?

It's awful. It doesn't represent the book at all.

They might as well have called it "Ghostbusters III".

Eggy, have you seen Arthur?

I've been past his house but the curtains were drawn.

Do you think he's been kidnapped?

No, no-one would kidnap Arthur, that would mean spending time with him.

God, look at this place.

It's like somebody's died. I can't believe I've just said that.

-This is what it's been like.

-Not just Katya dying...

it's Arthur not 'ere.

It's not the same, Michael, it's not the same at all.

Everybody! What a beautiful day to be alive!

You're new - good beard.

SINEM HUMS TO HIMSELF

Eh, where are you going?

I'm going to get Arthur, that's not right, what just happened. That...

That's not right at all.

Wait for me.

DOORBELL BUZZES

Arthur? Arthur, it's Michael and John.

-And Eggy.

-And Eggy, it's Michael, John and Eggy.

-Still can't hear anything. JOHN:

-Let me have a look.

It's very dark in there.

You're wearing sunglasses.

Arthur? Arthur, you there?

I don't like this.

He's not down the cafe, he's not answering his door.

I don't like this at all.

Right, that's it, there's something not right here -

I'm going to call an ambulance.

Yes, ambulance, please, and possibly police.

Yes, hello, there's a man in his 70s, he's not opening his door.

-We think he might have fallen or something.

-Kidnapped!

-Ssh.

Sorry, can you repeat that?

The address? Yes, what's the address here?

-ARTHUR:

-54 Rosea Street.

54 Rosea Street. Better hurry, please, it's an emergency.

All right, I think they're on their way.

There's an old man in my house!

-Oh, what!?

-Is he in here?

Woo!

There's nothing there. You two check the kitchen and I'll go upstairs.

-Righto, Arthur, what are we looking for?

-There's a man in the house!

-Is there?

-No, Arthur...

Oh, yes, hello, panic solved. ARTHUR SCREAMS

-He's just been up the shops.

-You're pathetic!

I'm not speaking to the same person, am I? Ambulance, please.

And possibly police, but only to cancel.

-Has anyone looked in 'ere?

-There's no man.

Ambulance? Yes, I'd like to cancel one, please.

ARTHUR SHOUTS No, not order another one.

Sorry, is this the right number to cancel them?

-Who's up 'ere?!

-An ambulance and possibly some policemen.

You're in big trouble now!

No, no, I don't want to order another one,

I just want to cancel the first lot.

-The address? Yes, hang on a minute. Arthur?

-He's not up there.

-Any luck, John?

-Not at all, there's no-one in the garden.

I'll check upstairs.

-Arthur, what's the address?

-54 Rosea Street and tell them to hurry.

No, ignore him, I'm definitely cancelling.

-He might still be in the area!

-THERE'S NO MAN!

Yes, cancelling the ambulance.

-We don't want an ambulance, send police!

-Don't send police!

I'm cancelling the police. But I don't know if I ordered the police,

so I don't know if I have to cancel.

Just cancel everybody who's coming to 54 Rosea Street.

-There's no-one in there.

-OH, MY GOD!!!

No, I'm fine, I'm just screaming at the man.

Don't send an ambulance, PLEASE don't send an ambulance.

-JOHN:

-Is anyone there?

Very nice to have you in the cafe. Thank you, come again.

Hey, we miss you.

Good luck with the beard.

Oh!

-What's up with you?

-I hate this! How does he do this?

-What?

-All this goddamn, stinking positivity goes right up my arse!

-Is this how he feels?

-Who?

-Idiot Man - Arthur.

-Hold on, what are you talking about?

-Sinem, I can't be Arthur.

-Why do you need to be Arthur?

-Look at the place, it's dead.

It's been like this for days because HE is not here.

No, no, no, no, he has to come back -

it's the only way I can be me again - to be rude.

To get annoyed at people. It's who I am, it's what I do.

You want to be rude to me for a few minutes?

-SHUT UP! Stupid idea!

-(SOFTER)

-Thank you very much.

Much better.

We were worried about you, Arthur.

We thought you'd been kidnapped.

Or fallen. We thought you'd fallen.

-What are you on about?

-Well, you haven't been down the cafe.

Right, I think I've cancelled them.

Well, I don't have to be in the cafe every day, do I?

I do have other things to do. And what if I had fallen?

I'd have just got up, wouldn't I?

-I'm not an invalid.

-Sorry, Arthur, we were just worried about you.

Yes, well, there's nothing to worry about.

I'm fine, leave me alone.

Oh, 'ere, you dropped this.

Oh, thank you. You know, Arthur, this isn't going to be the...

Oh, come on, anyway - out, out, out! Go on, I've got things to do.

-Go on, off you go.

-All right, all right.

SIRENS BLARE

Oh, you're kidding me!

So, how long are you going away for?

Oh, forever, I'm ... I'm going back home.

-Back to York.

-You don't...?

You don't live in London?

No. Oh, no, no, I'm just here for Arthur and to write the book.

And now it's done, there's no reason for me to stay.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, course.

I don't feel like I can leave Arthur in this state though.

I think Katya's death affected him more than he's letting on.

-And that funeral...

-Yes, that was awful.

Wasn't what you call a proper send-off, was it?

No, I'm definitely going to stay until I know Arthur's all right.

Yeah, that's the right thing to do.

And...

-..that's the only reason?

-What?

That's the only reason you're here?

Oh, erm...

Yeah, that's about it.

OK.

All right, Arthur?

-Arthur!

-Arthur, you're back.

Hey, Arthur! Number three with eggs?

That's a number four.

No, I shouldn't have come back, she's still 'ere.

-What?

-Katya, she's still here.

And she's not happy.

She was my biggest fan, Michael.

She was my only fan. I can't bear the thought of her not being happy.

What can we do, Arthur? There's nothing we can do.

There's one thing we can do.

SINISTER ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

Hello, Sheila?

Oh, that's great news.

Oh, super.

All right, speak later. OK, bye.

Nice to see the turban back.

You what?

Remember when we first met, you wore that turban for your Memory Man act.

Memory Man act?

Just forget it.

Oh, yes, yes. Oh, this is for sale, this is.

Yeah, this isn't me Memory Man turban.

-Yes, it is.

-No, it isn't.

This is me Memory Man turb...

Oh, no, that's me round-the-house one.

This is me Memory Man turban.

I think I would know which turban I'm wearing, thank you very much.

Right, shall we get started then?

I'm missing One Born Every Minute.

I didn't know you did all this stuff, Arthur.

Oh, yes, my mother was a medium.

You always told me she was a big woman.

I don't mean her dress size!

She was big-boned, yes - she was an extra large.

Now, will you shut up and let me do this?

My mother was an extra-large medium.

When I was a small boy, she would put me into a trance,

and I would speak in tongues,

and all the wisdom of the Ancients would flow through me.

So deep was this trance-like state that the only thing

that would bring me out of it was being bit by the parrot.

Parrot?

We had a parrot.

What was he called?

His name was Captain Cheeky.

-Are you going to take this seriously, or not?

-I'm sorry.

HE CLEARS THROAT

I'm taking it seriously, Arthur.

I take it very seriously.

My sister...lived in

one of those old Victorian houses in Stoke Newington.

One night, she was woken by the sound of scratching.

She sat up, and there,

at the dressing table at the end of her bed,

was an old woman brushing her hair.

Then, the woman turned around and there,

where her eyes should have been, there were two dark holes.

She pointed at my sister,

and said, "You have my eyes."

DOOR BUZZES LOUDLY

Oh, that'll be Bulent.

-Oh.

-Bulent, lovely(!)

Oh, that's given me a right turn, that.

I'm imposing a rule - no scary stories at the seance.

Oh, Bulent, please, it's for Katya.

-20 minutes, then I'm going.

-Good for you, Bulent.

And if I see anything I don't like, I'm off, so is my sister.

Oh, shut up, you're not Dad.

Worry not, Bulent...

while no-one could describe what we are doing here tonight

as conventional...

I can assure you, it is done with the utmost seriousness and gravity.

Now, someone pour the drinks while I get the Haunted Blackboard.

Oh, Polish vodka, how appropriate.

-Is that all right for everyone? ALL:

-Yes, thank you.

-One for the road?

-Ha, yeah.

Looks like we're going to probably need it.

-Bottoms up.

-Oh, yes.

Oof, bottoms.

Ah.

All right...

I shall now draw a protective pentangle.

This pentangle will be our last line of defence

should any evil spirits attempt to invade our mortal realm.

-I'm definitely going to miss it now.

-It'll be repeated.

It's not the same when you can't tweet about it.

Oh, look, we'll forget doing the protective pentangle,

it's not that important.

-What?

-What?

-No protection?

He said it was "for protection".

He said it was "crucial".

Arthur, can I put the telly on?

No, you can't put the telly on - we're doing a seance.

Look, don't we need it for protection?

God knows what this idiot will do in the spirit world.

Look, I got it wrong, we don't need a protective pentangle now.

No, no, no, I'll do it, I'll do it.

I'll turn the sound down.

No, it'll interfere with the radio waves, John.

Besides, you can't watch One Born Every Minute with the sound down -

the screaming and breathing's the best bit.

There.

-What's that?

-It's a rectangle.

Not a rectangle. I could draw a bloody rectangle.

What use is a rectangle?

You can't see off the forces of darkness with a bloody rectangle.

Oh, sit down.

Right, everybody...

I want you to put your hands on the table to form a circle.

Once formed, under no circumstances must the circle be broken.

Whatever happens, do not break the circle - I implore you.

If you do, the repercussions will be dire indeed.

Close your eyes.

Oooh.

Ooooh.

Is there anybody...? John!

Sorry, Arthur.

We've only got a rectangle for protection

and you've broken the bloody circle.

It's a repeat anyway.

Oh, is it the one with the woman from Leeds?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Oh, this one's brilliant.

ARTHUR SOBS

It was a good one, that, wasn't it?

-Right, I need a drink, anybody else?

-Yes, please.

-Yes.

The programme was extremely unpleasant.

I tell you something, this seance is a right shambles.

There's nothing for it.

We're going to have to resort to more extreme measures.

The Spirit Board.

Oh, I don't know about this, Arthur.

Wasn't that how The Exorcist started?

No, they probably used the cheap one.

That's top of the range is that.

How's this?

It's just another rectangle.

Anyway, wipe all that off, we'll need that for the spirit messages.

Right...

Come on, everybody, let's communicate with the spirit world

and see what messages and wisdom they have to impart.

-Where did you get these glasses from?

-Eh...

Oh... Eh, Woolworths, I think.

Yesterday. Anyway, come on, wisdom of the spirits.

"I smell bricks."

"I smell bricks."

It doesn't say, "I smell bricks", it says, "I smell good".

Uh, come on - think, people, think.

What does "I smell bricks" mean? Oh, maybe it's Polish.

Someone look up "I smell bricks" in an English-to-Polish Pictionary.

It's English!

How can it be Polish? English can't be Polish!

I like it, I like it.

Now you're thinking with your brains.

I want to do the thing where you touch fingers again.

That's a good idea.

We'll contact Katya one last time.

See if she can shed some light on this confusion,

about why she smelt bricks.

Ooh, don't they sometimes do seances with the lights off?

That's it, that's where we've been going wrong.

Brilliant. Eggy, do the lights.

I permit you to leave the circle.

Ooh.

Ooooh.

Oooooh.

Ooh, Katya, give us a sign that you are here.

-GLASS TINKLES, CHAIR SQUEAKS

-Give us a sign.

Ooh, oooh! It's happening!

It's happening!

GLASS TINKLES, CHAIR SQUEAKS

Put the lights on, Eggy - quick!

What happened? What happened?

Did anyone come th...?

Look at those two.

Oh, my God, what just happened?

-Oh, my God, what a...

-Um, oh, that's so weird.

-A mystery.

-And something brushed me and...

-Me too.

-Ah... That's uncanny.

-I know, it's uncanny.

-Arthur, that's not the way you do it.

-Ssh, ssh, everybody.

I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.

Woooh!

Woooh!

Arthur, you're not a good medium.

-You're not bad, but you're not great.

-You're "medium"!

Ah-choo!

Katya, what is it you want?

What is it you want?

Is it me to do a song?

Knock once for yes...

MULTIPLE KNOCKS

What does that mean?

Oh, she wants me to do a medley!

Oh, no, it'll be the pizza.

Wahey! Pizza!

SLURRED: Aw, you know, your sister's brilliant, Bulent.

This situation was calling out for pizza, and only she had...

had the... What's the word, Arthur?

-The gumption.

-The gumption.

She had the gumption to order it.

Why aren't you drunk, Bulent?

Because I am not a nine-year-old girl.

Oooh!

Pizza!

ALL: Wahey!

Oh.

-Oh, I feel bad though.

-Oh, don't feel bad.

I hate it when you feel bad, you should never feel bad.

Why do you feel bad?

Well, here we all are eating pizza...

..and Katya couldn't eat pizza.

That's right, she could never handle the solids.

I'm going to do this.

-What?

-I'm going to "liquidirise" the pizza for Katya.

Not "liquidirise" - "liquid-di-iase".

I'm away to "liquid-di-iase" pizza for Katya.

-That is an absolutely brilliant idea.

-Take the crust off it.

Do the toppings.

Excuse me, excuse me, I think

I would know how to "liquid-i-brows" a pizza.

There we are.

LIQUIDISER WHIRRS

That's it. There you go, Katya.

Come have some pizza.

-To Katya!

-ALL: To Katya.

AUDIENCE: Eurgh!

Ooh, it's not a bad drop of pizza, that.

Katya...

-and her soups.

-Tomato soup!

I didn't even know you served tomato soup.

We don't, it was her own.

We used to heat it up for her.

That's very generous of you.

I liked Katya, she was a strong woman.

She was the only one who liked my little shows.

As I said, "She was a strong woman."

Here, you know,

she always fell asleep on the way home from the cafe on the bus.

I used to have to go and collect her. Do you remember, Eggy?

Different stop every time.

Once, she told me, she didn't really fall asleep at all -

she just wanted to spend some extra time with me...

-ALL: Aww.

-..listening to me going on.

She was my biggest fan.

And now she's gone.

Oh, there'll be more fans, Arthur, you're just getting started.

Thank you, Michael, I think we both know the truth.

Your dad, he was the real thing.

He entertained millions, he did.

I'm just a footnote, if that.

Oh, Arthur, that's not true.

You'll see, that's... That's not true.

That's a really nice thing about you, Michael -

you can't tell a lie to save your life.

Arthur, I'm not...

-What is that?

-What?

That!

That's Katya's leg.

What?

They couldn't cremate it.

Something about it not being green.

But it is green.

Well, it's a bit green.

-Arthur, you can't hang on to something like that.

-Arthur...

What's up with you all?

Well, it's just that...

she was attached to that leg.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke.

That's why she can't go, Arthur.

Because you're not letting her go.

-He's right.

-Arthur, you have to let her go.

You can't hold on to her like that.

But I never said goodbye to her, Michael.

None of us did.

Not properly.

Well... Well, let's do something about that.

-"Woolworths"?

-Yes, Woolworths.

Stop going on about it.

ARTHUR CLEARS HIS THROAT

I think it's left to me...

to say a few words.

HE GROANS

HE SIGHS

Oh, dear.

-Arthur, do you mind if I say something?

-No, nope.

Eh...

Well, obviously, I didn't know Katya as well as you all did.

In fact, I don't know YOU as well as Katya did.

So, I feel a bit of an intruder.

-ALL:

-No, no, no.

-Thank you.

One thing I have found, in the short time of being here...

getting to know you all.

Well...

All I can say is...

..I know why Katya found it hard to leave.

Safe travels, Katya.

-ALL:

-Safe travels, Katya.

Ooh, sorry, Arthur.

That's all right, they're from the cafe.

-Bye, Arthur.

-Bye, everyone, see you tomorrow.

Not me, John, I'm off home.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it's nice knowing you, mate.

Bye then, Michael.

I'll show you to the door.

Sinem, shall we go?

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Well...

Well...

Good luck, Arthur.

Good luck to you.

I look forward to the book.

He was a funny man, your dad.

The world could use a book about him.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks for everything, Arthur.

HE SIGHS

Goodbye, Katya.

Oh, excuse me...

Nothing.

Good evening, Bolent.

One of your all-day breakfasts, please.

I don't know why, but number one seems to be beckoning me tonight.

-Number one, please, with fried bread and baked beans.

-That's...

Oh, forget it.

All right, princess?

Here you go.

What's that?

Michael left it.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Eh!

He's only...

He's only gone and...

-JOHN:

-Who do you fancy at Kempton on Saturday, Arthur?

Arthur?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd