Count Arthur's House of Horrors Count Arthur Strong

Free breakfasts all week. Please accept my apologies.

It won't happen again.

You!

What did I say about fortune telling in the cafe!

How was I to know she was going to be this unlucky?!

I've never seen the hanging man,

the burning tower AND the devil come out at once.

I-I hope someone's walking her home!

This is your final warning.

One more time and you are barred from the cafe!

All right, all right, I'm putting it away.

I'll just see what she had next.

Ooh!

Right. Right. Right. Yes. All right. Yes, OK. Right.

This is what you have to do.

Hello!

Oh, sorry, yes, hello. Sorry, that was very rude of me. How are you?

-Well...

-This is what you have to do.

I'm going to ask you something and you have to say no.

And if anybody asks you if I asked you, you have to say yes.

Have you got that?

So, say no when you ask me the first thing,

and then say yes if anyone ever asks me if you asked me the first thing.

Exactly.

But presumably, you don't want me to say you asked me to say no

to the first thing when I'm saying yes to the second thing.

Yes, yes! That's right!

So, to recap, say no to the first thing

but then say yes to the second thing,

should anyone ever ask me the second thing.

Well, that's very straightforward. I can't see that being a problem.

Great! OK. OK, great.

Well, this is what I'm going to ask you.

"Do you want to meet my new agent Philippa and her wife?"

I'd be delighted!

You were supposed to say no!

I don't want to say no.

We had an agreement! You sounded like you understood it!

Yes, but I didn't know what I was agreeing to when I sounded like I understood it.

Listen, Arthur,

they asked me to ask you, but I just don't want you to meet them yet.

Oh!

Hello. Are you stressing?

Yes, yes, I am, I really am.

Michael, we don't have to go.

What? Oh, no, not about the party. Although that is also stressful.

These posh publishing dos.

I just end up in a corner on my own watching people dance.

Yes, but now you're with me.

Oh, yes.

Not in the cafe!

Now, everyone else can watch us dance.

Oh, God.

Why don't you want me to meet them?

It's complicated.

I was in your big book, wasn't I?

They probably saw me photo.

They'll have a natural female curiosity about me.

That's the kind of thing, what you just said there.

That's exactly why you can't meet them.

Arthur, Phillipa is negotiating a new deal for me and I just...

I don't want her to be distracted.

So, let's try it again, shall we?

Do you want to meet my new agent Phillipa and her wife?

Arthur, Phillipa. Phillipa, Arthur.

Oh, I've been dying to meet you! I'm such a fan!

You saw my photo, and your natural instincts kicked in.

I quite understand.

It's not the first time a woman has gone giddy at the thought of me.

I'll just see what's keeping Monica.

Will you stop talking about instincts and giddy women?!

Stop telling me what to talk about and what not to talk about!

You've been doing it all day.

I have to, otherwise you talk about terrible things!

That's so unfair.

You told my last agent she had a drinking problem!

That was a compliment!

Arthur! Please. OK? Just, please.

Oh, you don't have to worry about me.

You won't hear another word out of me!

I'm sorry, she's up the walls because she's lost her Imperial Topaz.

Oh. Oh... Oh, no?

It's a crystal.

Oh, before I forget! Chapters 18-20.

Great timing!

I can use this to start a whole new round of negotiations.

Oh! I like the sound of that! You go, girl!

Monica, at last. This is Michael, a very fine writer.

-Hi!

-Hi.

And this is Arthur. Oh, you'll like this, baby.

Arthur is a bit of a spiritualist. It's in the book, isn't it, Michael?

-Er, that's right.

-Oh, very interesting.

But he doesn't like to talk about it.

Oh, I can't find it anywhere.

Oh, gosh, you're still unpacking. You must be exhausted.

There's also the problem of someone keeping me up all night.

It's this house!

It's beautiful, but... sometimes I feel...I don't know...

Strange vibrations, noises at night.

It's the pipes! We can't go moving again, Monica.

The last time we were on a negative ley line or something!

Just don't go moving again. Not back to Paris or something.

Just stay here and keep being my agent.

You're not much of a talker, are you?

Why aren't you talking?

Are you...

Are you sensing something?

You're sensing something, aren't you? What is it?

It's this house, isn't it? There's something about this house?

Well, we'd really better be going....

What is it? Can't you tell me?

Is there something wrong with this house?

It's a lovely house. Isn't it, Arthur? It's a really lovely house.

What is it? Tell me!

Do you sense a presence? Tell me!

Tell me what's wrong!

You told me to be quiet!

I said be quiet, not mysterious!

You were being mysterious!

You were being deliberately mysterious!

They've just moved house, and now she wants to move again.

All because of you, you bloody Uri Geller.

Give me the photo!

I'm sorry, Bulent, it's my property.

She won't give me the photo she took of me on New Year's Eve!

Have you still got that one, Birdie?

I do, Eggy, and I'm not giving it to anyone!

It's mine!

That's what I get for allowing you weirdos to have a party in the cafe!

You get me drunk, and then you let her do terrible things

to me while I'm asleep!

Oh, Bulent, she did it to all of us.

Don't blame me because you lot are a bunch of grandad drink drunks.

Grandad drink drunks?

They have no tolerance for grandad drinks.

Cream sherry, Drambuie, Tia Maria.

A couple of glasses of them and they're all under the table.

And you're the worst for it, Arthur,

the way you knocked back the Liebfraumilch.

I thought it was just milk.

I'm sorry, Bulent, you're not getting it.

It's going in the scrapbook with the all the others.

How was I to know she was so sensitive to the beyond?

Just...forget it. You know what you have to say when they get here, don't you?

Don't worry, don't worry, I'll take care of it.

Just tell her there is nothing wrong with her house!

All right!

Oh!

Deep sigh!

I'm sorry. It's just I haven't been sleeping very well.

Probably a bit too excited about the dancing.

Er, yeah, listen.

I just want to give you an out for tomorrow night.

-What?

-You haven't smiled once since you heard about the party,

so this is your out. We don't have to go.

But you got a new dress.

I haven't worn it. I can take it back.

No. No, of course, we're going. We have to go.

I want to go.

Good.

I really want to see that smile back on your face, Michael.

Hi! Hi, gang! Arthur...

Oh, ha, ha, oh...

Monica, perhaps I could have a word?

Right, let's lay this ghost to rest about your house being haunted.

But I thought you... Didn't you sense something?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

While I do have experience

in the world of extra-sensory contraception,

I detected no such activity occurring within your private area.

But the noises...

Believe me, my lady, there's sure to be a rational explanation.

My Auntie Doreen thought she saw a leprechaun,

but it was just a pair of underpants near a swing.

I don't know...

Mark my words, Monica, I know whereof I speak.

This is a very serious matter and there's no more qualified man than I when discussing spooky shenanigans.

I'm exhausted, Michael. It's like sleeping next to Lee Evans.

So how are the negotiations going?

Oh, yes, well, the number I think we can achieve is...

Maybe I should write it down.

You could get this for one book? You could really get this for one book?

I think I could get it bigger.

Bigger? Is there bigger?

This seems like the biggest.

Oh, you look happy.

Yes, I'm massively relieved. Everything's going to be OK.

Good. Thank God for that. A good night's sleep, at last.

I'll let you know how that meeting goes, Michael.

Great!

Oh, Arthur!

Oh, Michael!

What? What is it?

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

What? She seemed fine. What did you do?

Promise me you won't be angry with me.

What did you do?!

I've agreed to perform an exorcism at her house.

What?

I didn't mean to, Michael.

An exorcism!

I was trying to reassure her and she talked me round!

You were supposed to be telling her there was nothing wrong!

But she made a very strong case. Things go missing!

The strange noises!

They've just moved house! They haven't settled yet!

And she still can't find her Imperial Topaz!

Who cares about her Imperial Topaz!?

RINGING

Oh, God, it's Phillipa. What am I going to say?

Oh, just buy me some time! Say I've popped out!

Popped out. Got it.

Hello? Hello, Phillipa, I'm afraid Michael can't come to the phone.

His fly fell open and he's adjusting himself.

Just give me the phone!

Hello, Phillipa. Yes!

Yes, I'm sorry, he just told me.

What, tomorrow?

Er, tomorrow's not so...

No, tomorrow's fine. He'll be there.

-Bye.

-But, Michael...

Shut up. You're going to have to be The Monster Mist.

The Monster Mist?

When I was a little boy,

my mum used to spray something under the bed to get rid of monsters.

She called it Monster Mist.

I found out later it was just air freshener,

but it did the job.

So I get a can of air freshener?

Well, no, no.

You go to her house, you do a little show,

and then you tell her that whatever's been going on is over.

Oh, but Michael, I'm not very good with these sort of things.

What? You do seances.

Yeah, but that's different.

That's-that's asking friendly spirits to come and visit.

This is telling angry spirits to sod off.

If the presence is a malignant one...

There is no presence.

It's all in her head, and you put it there.

The only malignant presence in that house was you!

Oh, yes, of course.

I've got to get a hold of meself.

Don't worry, Michael. I'll be your Monster Mist.

But I've got to have Eggy and John.

Why?

Because I'm still a little bit scared.

Monster Mist?

Yes, all we have to do is go to the house, put on a little show,

and then tell her it's over.

I'm not sure I want to go to a haunted house, Arthur.

Oh, Eggy! Michael assured me there were no ghosts.

Although there might be. I'm still a bit confused about that.

But anyway, come on,

what else do people use on this kind of operation?

Some kind of ghost-hunting equipment.

Tape recorder?

Ooh. Write that down, Eggy.

Tape recorder. Ooh, digital infra-red motion detector device.

Brilliant! I'll swing by Maplins. We'll also need some garlic...

Are you worried there'll be vampires?

I'm not saying yes and I'm not saying no,

but we should at least cover ourselves.

We should probably bring some stakes, then.

Oh, yeah, that'll go with the garlic. What else?

A hammer?

Ooh, get the steak nice and tender.

So that's...steak, chips and peas.

Again?

Steak, chips and peas!

What's it got to do with him?

What is it we're doing again?

The list for the haunted house.

Oh, yes! That reminds me!

We could film all this, you know, and if there is anything

going on, we could sell it to Most Haunted.

You know, with Derek Acorah and that hungry-looking woman off Blue Peter.

We'll need someone else to do the filming.

Birdie, can you be a camera woman for us at a haunted house?

No problem.

Great! We're sorted.

Arthur, I've been thinking, maybe I should join you tonight?

Oh, no, no, no, no, believe me, it's better if you're not there.

An exorcism can be a terrifying ordeal for the simple-minded.

I can't believe I'm here again.

One foot in the real world, one in the spectral realm,

and me, in between, dangling in the nether regions.

It's the stuff of which nightmares are made, Michael!

Except it isn't, though, remember? You do remember, don't you?

There is nothing unusual happening. It's just boring everyday life.

Thanks, Bulent.

SPOOKY MUSIC

Michael said you'd be in and out!

Oh, it's a little bit more complicated than that.

Bit more talkative today, I see.

I talk when it is necessary. Please leave.

Yes, yes, we'll go to...a film?

So, when do you think you'll be finished?

Well, this is a very extreme case.

I've never felt such evil.

So, half ten?

Quarter to 11?

Let's make it quarter to 11 to be on the safe side.

I'll just go and phone a taxi.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have an appointment with that which should not be.

Yes, yes, of course.

Well, make yourself at home and-and good luck.

I have no need of luck.

I am brilliant with things like what this is.

Oh, he shouldn't be doing that. He's only supposed to be in and out.

They've set up all sorts of equipment. I'm just a bit nervous.

I'll sort it out, Phillipa, don't worry.

Excuse me?

Sorry, we're going to have to change route.

OWL HOOTS

BEEPING

KNOCKING

Ooo, ooh! Did anyone else hear that?

Sorry?

Did you hear it? You're on the thing for hearing things!

Hang on a minute, Arthur.

Sorry?

I heard it, Arthur. It sounded like a rustling noise.

That's your crisps.

It felt like the kind of sonic disturbance that often occurs

when the ethereal realm rubs up against the real world.

Open the door!

Oh, it's just Michael at the door. Get him, John.

Watch out for the tripwire.

What's happening now?

Oh, Brian's here.

-Brian?

-You know, the whiny lad.

Oh, Michael.

Watch out for the tripwire.

Tripwire? Why are there tripwires?

We've put ghost bells on tripwires.

Ghost bells?

There are no... You haven't done that to the whole house, have you?

What's with the candles?!

We're just trying to get the mood right.

Have you been raiding their stuff? These are all relaxation candles!

Relaxation candles? That must be why Eggy keeps falling asleep.

Arthur!

I'm sorry, Michael, but we've had to pull all the stops out.

This place has the worst case of ectoplasmic excretions I have ever seen.

The house isn't... They just want reassurances about their new home.

Don't be talking about excretions!

What...

Oh, God, what is this?

What?

This!

Michael, surely you've known me long enough that I've told you

about my rare collection of frightening ventriloquist dummies?

What are they doing here?

Do you know how valuable these are?

I'm not leaving them at home for the night.

So you've brought eight ventriloquists dummies...

Seven.

Oh, sorry, John.

You've brought seven ventriloquists dummies to a haunted house.

Isn't that just asking for trouble?

I thought you said it isn't haunted.

It isn't!

They're not doing any harm, are they?

They're just sat there minding their own business.

Anyway, why don't you get off dancing and leave the dark arts to them as knows?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not leaving you here.

I knew all this was a bad idea.

Who are you phoning?

Sinem. I'm going to have to cancel.

What is up with you?

What?

You've got a beautiful girl waiting for you to spin her around

the dancefloor and you'd rather be here

at a potentially dangerous exorcism.

Have you ever been to an exorcism, Michael?

Heads spin round, books hit priests in the face.

And the language gets dog rough.

Blue language. And I'll put money on-on...

at least one of us crawling across the ceiling like a spider.

That is exactly why I'm staying here. Arthur, this is important.

Phillipa is the best agent I've ever had.

Excuses. You're scared about something.

And whatever it is,

you're letting it get between you and that lovely girl.

The only thing I'm scared of is...

is you.

Get rid of the wires!

Don't worry, Michael, we'll do it some other time. OK, bye.

Ooof. Those candles...I don't know how you can bear it.

It smells like an opium den in here.

Oooh!

Put that away!

You're not to be playing with Ouija boards!

Just... When they come back, you tell them, "it's over".

That's all you have to do.

Gosh, I can barely keep my eyes open.

It's not as much fun with him being here.

How are we going to do the Most Haunted filming?

I was looking forward to that.

We just have to bide our time. Look, he's falling asleep.

Yes. Yes.

We just have to wait.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Action.

One of the reasons I know this horse to be haunted...hunted...

this house to be hunted...

is...um, the horse to be hunted.... haunted...hunted...haunted...

hunted... I've got it now.

One of the reasons I know this is a haunted horse is when we arrived

here this evening this dog was on the other side of this painting,

and that lady was indoors.

Now, you explain that to me.

I have to say this is the worst mystical phenonomomen

I've experienced since I was chased by two devil dogs

after a night of heavy drinking.

Ooh, listen!

I think I heard it.

Open it.

No, don't.

No, do.

I-I'll do it.

No, you do it. No, I'll do it.

No, no, will you...

get a hold of yourself?!

All right, all right. I'm OK now.

John, you do it.

Wait, let me get a clean shot.

DOOR CREAKS

Eh! Eh! I'm in here!

That wasn't a ghost - it was Eggy!

What are you doing in the toilet with the light off?

I can't go with the light on.

Oh, oh, makes sense.

It was still a bit scary, wasn't it?

Did you get all that, Birdie?

Beautiful.

Look at him! He's still flat out!

Ah. Having a lovely dream.

# I give you all a boy could give you

# Take my tears and that's not nearly all... #

Do you want to dance?

OK.

# Now I know I've got to run away... #

Nice moves, Baker!

# To make things right

# You need someone to hold you tight... #

Nice moves, Baker!

BARKING

Oh, Birdie, you didn't get any of it!

I didn't film it, no. I saw it, though.

I can remember it, if that becomes important.

Oh, they'll go for that on Most Haunted, won't they?

You remembering what happened!

There, another one for the book!

Right, I'm off.

Bye, lads!

Are you not staying till the end, Birdie?

No, God, no, I'm incredibly bored. Good night again!

-Ahhhhh!

-Ahhhhh!

What are you bloody playing at?!

What are you playing at?!

A joke's a joke, Michael, but you could have given me a heart attack!

For God's sake, Arthur, there is nothing unusual happening here!

You-you-you-you've gone mad!

Arthur, you've worked yourself up into such a state,

you're going to be more scared than they are when they get back!

I wouldn't be scared if you weren't parading around like an idiot.

What's going through your mind?

Anyway, you're the one that's scared.

I'm not scared! I don't believe in this stuff.

Not of ghosts. You know full well I'm not talking about ghosts.

I'm talking about whatever it is,

the reason you're pushing Sinem away.

It's you that needs an exorcism, Michael, not this house.

I have to go.

Arthur, when they get back,

what do you say?

Monster Mist.

No!

I'm only joking. I know.

"It's over."

"It's over."

Thank you.

So, is it a fancy dress party?

No.

Sinem, call a taxi - I'll meet you there.

What I'd give to be 40 again!

Well, we've still got a few hours.

What are we going to do now?

Hey! Look what I found!

Well, they did say make yourself at home.

My Imperial Topaz!

It's over.

MUSIC: "Tainted Love"

# Sometimes I feel I've got to

# Run away I've got to

# Get away from the fear you drive into the heart of me

# The love we share seems to go nowhere... #

Would you like to dance?

What's... What is wrong with your face?

There's nothing wrong with my face, Sinem. I'm just smiling.

# I give you all a boy could give you

# Take my tears and that's not nearly all

# Tainted love

# Tainted love. #

So, how much were the damages?

Maybe I should write it down.

Oooh!

I'm sorry, Michael. We've never drunk creme de menthe before.

It was like minty oblivion.

Don't worry, Arthur. It doesn't matter.

Where you going?

Dancing.

Are you not putting your make-up on?

I've told Phillipa I've gone shopping.

Touch the cards.

Ooohh!

Subtitles by Ericsson