The Three Wishes Count Arthur Strong

You know those self-driving cars? Are they out yet?

I don't think so, Arthur.

Oh, well, then someone's left the handbrake off a Ford Focus.

Ooh, Eggy, you giving us pick of the car boot?

Quality stuff this, Arthur.

It didn't feel right not to let you all have a look first.

Decorative horseshoe, I'm having that for a start.

Same, same for the table tennis bat.

Ooooh, a tin of keys!

I saw it first!

Oh, The Onedin Line box set!

Oh, well, I "susspose" I'll give you two pounds for these?

The box set's empty though, Arthur.

There's no DVDs in it.

Then in that case, shall we say, one pound, fifty pence?

Oh, all right.

I'll settle up with you later.

TO HIMSELF: Poor naive Eggy!

Morning, Arthur.

Arthur's in a huff.

I did an interview last night and I didn't mention him.

Arts Today on Radio 4. They were asking me about my book.

Order something! Stop talking to me! What's going on?

-A cup of tea, please.

-Don't do that again!

Can't help feeling you're a bit peeved.

Oh, did you hear something, Eggy? I thought I heard a noise!

A sort of high-pitched, treacherous whining!

I can only answer the questions I'm asked, Arthur.

-They didn't bring you up!

-There it was again! Did you hear it?

It sounded like air escaping

from an ungrateful, hairless balloon!

What else did you get, Eggy? I'm ignoring Michael...

Ooh! There you are!

BULENT GROWLS

My mate says we can use the villa.

Really! Oh, that's great!

Ohhhh, ten days in Tuscany!

Cradle of the Medici,

-and we'll be in time for the Festival of the Ceni!

-What's that?

Three teams race each other up a mountain

from the main square outside the Palazzo del Consiglio

to the Basilica of Sant'Ubaldo,

each one carrying a statue of their saint

mounted on a wooden octagonal plinth! Ohh, heaven!

Yeah. And it's going to be hot and there's a swimming pool!

Oh, yeah...

Ooh, it's a proper one, is that. There might be a genie in it.

LAMP CLINKS

No, don't want that.

All right, Arthur, if it means you'll speak to me again,

-I'll grant you three wishes.

-Good idea!

One for each time you betrayed me.

How did I BETRAY you?

Firstly, for not mentioning me,

secondly, for not mentioning me again a bit later on

and, thirdly, for not mentioning me at all.

All right, hit me. Three wishes.

And you can't wish for more wishes.

I wish...

I wish...for...for...some toast.

I can do that. Next.

Ooh, I should get tea to go with it.

That's two.

Don't waste them, Arthur!

Ohhhh! You took advantage of me!

I got over-excited!

I wasn't ready!

Sorry, Arthur, just one left.

Tea and toast, please.

-Oh, look at you.

-I'm excited!

Our first holiday together!

Yes! We'll have ten days together!

Aah, ten days.

You'll have ten days in my company...

..with no interruptions.

Just 24-hour Michael.

All me,

all day,

every day.

This voice,

this face...

..every...day.

Hey, Arthur, look what I got at the car boot!

Very nice! This is a concert one!

HE STRUMS GENTLY

HE PLAYS FLUENTLY

APPLAUSE

I didn't know you could do that!

Oh, yes. I was in a band.

-What?

-Yep.

You were in a band? When?

-Before I met your dad.

-You never told me about this.

No! It's private, and painful, and I don't like talking about it.

All right, shall I do it?

Everyone! Arthur's going to tell a story.

All the kids were doing it.

Messing about with guitars when we should have been doing our homework.

After I left school, I was just the same.

I hooked up with some other blokes - John, George and, um, Ringo.

-Arthur...

-What?

-This is the Beatles.

-No, it isn't.

-You're getting mixed up with the Beatles.

-Shush!

No-one had ever seen anything like it before.

It was mayhem.

Everyone wanted a piece of us.

Then, one day, we were playing a gig

on the top of a roof...for some reason,

and the tensions of the band came frothing to the surface,

like a Steradent tablet in a glass of dentures.

John was my best friend, but after he met Ono Yoko

and I married Linda McCartney,

the famous veterinarian, things were never the same.

-Arthur...

-Oh, hang a second, that's not right.

That's you, that is, putting the Beatles in my head!

We didn't break up on the rooftop.

I can't remember where we broke up.

Or why...

Mind you, that all feels as if it was 100 years ago, that.

Imagine!

Where will I be 100 years from now?

You won't be anywhere, Arthur. You'll be dead.

-Long, long dead.

-You're right, Birdie!

I dunno, Arthur. You're healthy enough.

You say that, Eggy, but death can come from any direction!

Just the other day, a cow fell on me.

A cow fell on you! What?

A cow just fell on you?

Yes. I was in my pyjamas and...

Wait, wait, wait...! You were in a field in your pyjamas?

No! I wasn't in a field, I was at home.

What would I be doing in a field in my pyjamas?

-Where was the cow, then?

-In my kitchen.

What, it just wandered in?

How could a cow wander into my kitchen?!

I...I wouldn't stand for it!

-Then how...?

-It wasn't alive, Michael!

Dear, oh, dear! I wouldn't have a live cow in my kitchen.

That would be extremely unhygienic!

-Why was there a dead cow in your kitchen?

-I was butchering it

for Wilf at Taylor's Quality Meats in the High Street.

He sometimes puts a bit of work my way when he's pushed.

He lets me keep all the offal.

You know how to butcher a cow?

Once the carcass is quartered

and the legs are off, it's just common sense.

Can someone else take over? I need to close my eyes.

How did it fall on you, Arthur?

Oh, well, I usually hook the cows up to the clothes airer,

but this was a big one and it pulled the fitting out of the ceiling.

I was in there looking for a biscuit when it pinned me to the floor!

Why do you keep biscuits in the same room as the clothes airer?!

Actually, you know what, I went in again too soon...

God, I'd hate a cow falling on me.

Oh, it's INCREDIBLY annoying, Birdie.

But just think, Michael, if the juices hadn't pooled

and allowed me to slide out, it would have been curtains for me.

Imagine that for an obituary!

"Beloved entertainer dies

"while trying to retrieve biscuit from room with cow."

No, no, no, I can't have that.

I've got things to do!

Important things!

I have to find John!

If he exists.

What's that "sussposed" to mean?

When I interviewed you, you never mentioned a band.

"I can only answer the questions I'm asked", Michael.

All right, what happened to them, then?

Yeah, Arthur, where are they all now?

Well...

News filtered back to me that John got shot in New York...

Got shot in a shoe shop in York...

Got a shot at a job in a shoe shop in York!

But the last I heard, he'd put down roots in Sheffield.

He was my best friend, and then, it was all over.

I have to find out why.

Genie! Third wish. Take me to Sheffield.

-What?

-You have to drive me to Sheffield! I have to find John!

-Arthur, I'm not driving you to Sheffield!

-Oh, come on.

It's not as if you have anything better to do, is it?

Oh, OK, I thought we were going to go for dinner,

talk about the holiday.

Oh, no, no, we will, it's just...

Well, I'm a bit worried about Arthur.

He doesn't seem to know what part of his story's true

and what part he saw in a Paul McCartney documentary.

OK.

Come on, then!

But no, no, of course we will.

It's just... I was just wondering,

is it the right time of year for Tuscany?

But, anyway, we'll talk...

conversation...together...holiday...

plans...talking... It's all good.

My order ready, Bulent?

It's en route!

You could do with some music in here, Bulent.

Brighten the place up a bit. Isn't that right, Eggy?

A bit of music.

Well, I think it's great the way it is, Birdie.

Ah, you have them all filling their nappies at the thought of you.

-This place could use some music.

-Aaagh.

Or are you afraid that we'll find out you have no taste?

-I have taste!

-Sure you do. Terrible taste.

You want music? I'll give you music!

I'll install a CD system

and play you the best music you've ever heard!

-ASIDE:

-Shall I get him to do something else?

-SAT-NAV:

-'Continue for 500 yards.'

What are you telling me for? You're driving.

'And at the junction, turn right.'

-What are you telling me that for?

-It's the sat-nav!

Sat-nav, eh? I've heard about that.

They use, um, PMT co-ordinates.

-How did I get into this?!

-Oh, stop complaining, will you?

Be good for you to get out of your crumpet zone for once.

'In 300 yards, take the exit.'

-Pardon?

-It's not me!

-Oh, yes, yes, of course.

'You have arrived at your destination.'

-I KNOW we have!

-Stop talking to it!

-GROANING:

-Oh, thank God that's over...!

Well, here we are.

I don't think I can do this, Michael.

I'm ever so nervous.

I wish I could just go home.

Sorry, Arthur.

-HE RINGS DOORBELL

-You're out of wishes.

Hello, John.

Ooof!

Arthur!

You'd better come in.

HE COUGHS

Ooof!

HE COUGHS

Well, you two must have a lot to talk about

-so maybe I'll just wait outside?

-That's not a bad idea.

Now, you've a few options.

You could go and sit upstairs on the edge of a bed

or you can remain on the stairs themselves.

-Mind you, that's a bit dangerous.

-Maybe I'll just wait in the car.

Oh, that's an option I didn't consider.

Yes, you can tune in to Jeremy Vine and recline your seat,

as long as there's no-one sat behind you.

OK. I'm going now.

Nice chair, John.

Argos. Click And Collect.

Is it leather, then?

It's what's known as "folks" leather, Arthur.

Do you know what "folks" leather is?

Of course, I know what... "folks" leather is.

-Ooof, sorry. Obviously touched a nerve, there.

-No, you haven't.

How would not knowing what "folks" leather was be a nerve?

It's not the sort of thing people get bothered by.

You never know what's going to set someone off, Arthur.

My wife, Mary, has a panic attack if anyone opens a drawer too quickly.

There was an occasion I needed me Swiss Army knife to prise a stone

from the paw of a King Charles Spaniel

that had wandered into the garden.

I was in such a hurry, I forgot myself

and pulled the drawer open terribly fast.

Mary ended up having to sit down for five minutes.

Now, what's this all about, Arthur?

I'm sorry to hurry you,

but Mary's got a foot spa filling up in the kitchen and I'm supervising.

You kept it up, then? The music?

Oh, yes, yes. I'm on the carvery circuit, now, yes,

HE PLAYS A FEW CHORDS

Yes, I do drop-in centres,

sheltered accommodation, that sort of venue.

I'm at the hospice on Tuesday.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, John.

Well, you shouldn't be because they give me me petrol money.

Mind you, it's just around the corner so it'll be about 42p.

Oh, well, it all adds up. Do three of those a week and you're laughing.

That's right, I am. What about you, Arthur?

Have you given up music, then?

I haven't played since the band split up.

Ooof.

-DEFENSIVELY:

-And whose fault was that, Arthur?

-I don't know.

-Neither do I.

That's why I'm here, John.

I wanted to find out why the band broke up.

I'll have to have a good think about that, Arthur.

But now's not a good time. Where are you staying?

We were going to go home tonight, but I can't go home not knowing.

-Well, let's reconvene tomorrow.

-DOOR CLOSES

There's a B&B at the end of the road.

It's your friend with the sad face.

Obviously, you didn't tune into Jeremy

or you wouldn't be back so soon.

Where did you end up standing?

Just in the garden. It's a nice day.

Verge or dead centre?

Verge.

Ooof. Controversial.

Most would opt for the centre to avoid the breeze,

at the end of the bush.

-Listen, do have a think about the B&B.

-B&B?

Yes. It's getting late, but they might be able to accommodate you.

What B&B? We're going home, aren't we?

MICHAEL YELLS

-Aw, what was that?

-Ohhh, I'd just dropped off.

What's going on?

What? Something...

Something fell on me!

Really? From where?

There must have been a bit of plaster or...or...

a ceiling brick.

Anyway, can't we just drop it?

We're both up now, we might as well have a chat.

-So, what's been happening with you, then?

-Ohhh...

I'll tell you what worrying me, Michael.

I'm getting on very well with John. It's like the old days.

I'm remembering now what a brilliant conversationalist he is.

What's the problem?

Well...

we're trying to remember why the band split up.

What if it was my fault?

We might have gone on to do something,

our lives could have been completely different.

I'd hate it if I'd ruined our chances for myself,

but it would be even worse if I'd ruined it for him.

Well, then, don't try and remember it.

Just...pick up where you left off.

Stop overthinking things.

Thanks, Michael.

That makes sense, that does.

I wonder if that's what I'm doing.

You see, Sinem's asked me to go on holiday and I...

ARTHUR SNORES

What are you doing, John?

I'm cleaning me keyboard with antibacterial spray.

It's a bit of a ritual.

Like a Samurai keeping his blade keen with a whetstone.

It's also a hospice requirement.

Do you ever think about what might have been, John?

If we'd stuck together?

Ooof! That was another life. Another time.

I was wild then.

-HE SPRAYS

-We all were.

Best to keep that in the past.

Maybe we should get the band back together.

That's a bit of a bombshell!

It's not just about us, John.

It's about four young men and their dreams.

Four? No, there were only three, Arthur.

No, no, there were four of us.

Us two, George and Ringo.

Ooof, I think you're getting us mixed up with the Beatles, Arthur.

I don't remember a "George".

And Ringo passed away two years ago.

Oh, that's a shame.

So, it is only about just us.

-That could be highly convenient.

-It could.

OK, then, let's give it a go!

HE SPRAYS

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH IN MONTAGE

HE PLAYS SYNTH NOTES ON KEYBOARD

Hey, I feel we're moving in a Clannad direction.

HE PLAYS SYNTH NOTES

Does that...? Does that get the juices flowing?

It does, John. It makes me think of vegetables.

Oh, yes, I like it, I think we're on to something.

What sort of vegetable? Potatoes?

Oh, no, I don't want to be doing a song about potatoes.

Well, there's nothing wrong with potatoes, Arthur.

Mary and I are big fans,

especially boiled ones with a bit of quiche and a side salad.

Nothing rhymes with them.

There's no romance to a potato.

But there's plenty of dignity, Arthur.

And there's not enough songs with them in.

That's the point I'm making!

Name one good song about potatoes!

There's only one to my knowledge - One Potato, Two Potato.

-Exactly, exactly.

-But it proves my point. There ought to be more.

Listen. I'm not singing a song about sodding potatoes!

Arthur, if you're going to insult Mary and I by disparaging potatoes,

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I'm happy to!

Now I remember why we broke up!

Always vegetable-based disagreements!

Right, I think we'll leave it there

before you say anything else you regret.

Don't worry, don't worry, I'm leaving.

But, Arthur, it's getting late, where are you going to stay?

-You know...

-ARTHUR GRUMBLES

I thought you were asleep.

No, no, I was just....lying there.

You know, Arthur, I was walking around Sheffield today

and I ended up at the Industrial Museum alongside the river

and it has England's largest surviving Bessemer converter.

It's a steel-making process, now largely obsolete,

in which carbon, silicon,

and other impurities are removed from molten pig iron by oxidation

-in a special tilting retort.

-All right, all right,

I know what a Bessemer converter is, thank you very much.

I was looking at the rivets on its magnificent cauldron

and I thought...

..I'm incredibly boring.

You won't get any arguments this side of the bed.

But Sinem seems to like me anyway.

And if she likes me,

maybe I'm not so boring after all.

Maybe I'm just interesting in a different way.

-SNORING

-In a way that...

Oh, well, never mind. We did our best.

Thanks, though, Michael.

Oh, God, Arthur...

Arthur, I think I've lost my wallet!

Oh, no, I must have left it when I was paying for the room!

All right, calm down.

Just tell the landlord what's happened. He'll understand.

He doesn't look like he'll understand.

Don't worry, leave it to me.

What are you doing?

No, Arthur!

Play the winner?

Three ball, corner pocket.

Or the middle pocket...

The pocket on that side, ooh!

Oooh! Sod it.

HE SNORES

This is the right end of the club, isn't it?

It's called a cue.

And it's still your shot, mate.

How about we make things a bit more interesting.

Sure, 20 quid?

Oh, hardly worth getting out of bed for, make it 50.

Yeah.

Oh, dear, another great shot from you.

Whatever am I going to do?!

ALL LAUGH

Mate, you're stripes. You shouldn't even be going for the other ones.

CLATTERING

Oh, dear.

Double or quits?

Don't worry, I'm good for it.

I've got me money man over there.

All right.

-QUIETLY:

-You do realise we have no money?

Oh, no, whatever will we do?!

You sure about this, mate?

You're losing a lot of money.

Boys, I'm just getting started.

Run, Michael, run!

You can't play at all!

-MAN:

-This way, come on.

MEN SHOUT

Well, that never happened in the film.

-What film?... The Hustler?

-He won in the film.

He was bad at first, but when he put money on it, he was brilliant!

He could play.

He was hustling!

Ah.

Oh, right, I'm with you now!

He could play! Of course!

That's what it was about!

-TO HIMSELF:

-Thank God that's over.

Good job for them they never caught us when we ran away.

-I'd have shown them.

-No, no, no. I don't do physical confrontation.

My adrenaline goes to my mouth, my language gets very...flamboyant.

I end up sounding like a dandy in a Restoration comedy.

Where's my jacket?

Where's my jacket?!

Oh, God, I've left it in the pub!

I've left my jacket in the pub!

You have other jackets.

No, it's got the keys in it. The keys are in the jacket.

HE SIGHS

We're going to have to go back.

No, Michael, it's worse than that.

YOU'RE going to have to go back.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

'Tis I!

Fear ye not!

I mean ye no ill will.

I humbly ask that you permit me a small boon.

What?

I merely posit

that you divest thyself

of my...

paltry rags.

Could I have my jacket back, please.

What about our winnings?

Leave the kid alone!

It's me you've got the beef with!

Yes, and...and we're not leaving until you return my jacket!

Mark me, sir!

On the plus side, you're outside of your crumpet zone.

Yes. I am definitely out of my crumpet zone.

GROOVY MUSIC PLAYS

Listen to this bit! Listen to this bit!

Is this Jethro Tull?

I wasn't expecting that.

Turn that music off! Please.

-John!

-Hello, Arthur.

-I couldn't leave it like we did.

-You're right, John.

We have too much history,

even if neither of us can remember exactly what that is.

I've written a song, Arthur,

which doesn't mention potatoes

and I was wondering if you would do me the honour

of helping me perform it.

-Count me in, John.

-What, before I've even taught you the song?

# Life is like a salad bar

# You only get one visit

# Take your bowl and follow me

# I'll be your guiding spirit

-BOTH:

-# Life is like a salad bar

# Look hard or you'll miss it

# Life is like a salad bar

-# Or... #

-PLAYS DRUMPADS ON KEYBOARD

# Or is it?

# Live your life as I would

# By your own nose be guided

# But go easy on the onions

# And use the tongs provided... #

INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE

Sinem, I will go on holiday.

Well, I know. We already said we would.

Well, then, that's still the case.

-Right.

-Right.

KEY CHANGES UP

# Oh, life is like a salad bar

# You only get one visit

# Take your bowls and follow me

# I'll be your guiding spirit

# Life is like a salad bar

# With no potatoes in it

# Life is like a salad bar... #

-HE PLAYS DRUMPADS ON KEYBOARD

-# Or is it? #

-ARTHUR PLAYS DRUMPADS

-You're too late, Arthur.

-You had your chance and you blew it.

-Oh, sorry, mate.

-Well, never mind.