The Soupover Count Arthur Strong

-But no-one else is doing it!

-There's a reason for that!

Yes, it's such a good idea, no-one else has thought of it!

No, it's such a bad idea, no-one else has thought of it.

-I think it can be done tastefully.

-It can't.

-Eggy, tell him.

-Yes, Eggy, tell him.

-I have to say, Arthur, I'm with Michael on this one.

-What?

It's not the best idea you've ever had.

A funeral photographer

is not something people will want.

Why not? It's a big get-together, isn't it?!

All right, what will you ask everyone to say?

-What do you mean?

-You've got some mourners, dressed in black,

standing in front of a hearse, posing for photographs.

What do you ask them to say?

You know, the usual. "Smile". Oh, wait!

-There you go.

-I see what you mean now.

BEEPING What was that?

My publishers said I should start a Twitter account.

It's good for publicity, apparently.

One of my tweets must have got retweeted.

How many people see it when you tweet something?

I don't think that's important, actually.

It's good you do Twitter. The world can always use more opinions

from middle class white people.

That's sarcasm.

What was I thinking about? Funeral photographer.

It's a terrible idea.

That's almost as bad as The Castle of Adventure.

Oh, yes. The Castle of Adventure.

-What was that?

-An educational toy.

I suppose the simplest way of putting it, Michael...

HE STAMMERS

An assault course for babies.

I see.

It didn't really work.

I still think the principle is sound, Eggy.

Giving babies some much-needed exercise,

getting them thinking on their feet, et cetera.

But relying on their sense of self-preservation to propel them

through a really quite hazardous vertical maze...

was, I now realise, flawed.

Good God! You didn't actually build one, did you?

We did, a prototype, we tested it with John.

Where suddenly its shortcomings became hideously apparent.

Thank goodness it never made it to market.

But let's not dwell!

Hey! You know Los Demonios de la Emocion?

Oh, yes, at the Roundhouse. Yes, I've heard it's excellent.

It's an Argentinian performance art group.

"The Demons of Excitement".

There's a lot of audience participation.

At one point they descend on wires and grab people under the arms

and propel them to the top of a suspended dome!

Well, I got us some tickets for Saturday.

Oh! I've been dying to see that!

I know! Had to pull a few strings, but here we are.

I don't want to go to that!

-What?

-I don't want to go to that!

But you literally just said you wanted to see it.

I didn't think we'd be able to get tickets! I don't want to be grabbed

from the audience and taken to the top of a suspended dome!

That sounds like the second phase of The Castle of Adventure.

"No-one in the audience is safe."

"Wear loose clothing."

"Not recommended for pregnant women."

I don't see why they get out of it.

You go through this every time Sinem wants to do something different.

If you're that worried about it,

why don't you tell her you've got something else on?

-I can't just lie.

-Why not?

-I'm not built like that.

I actually have to have something to do and then I have to

go and do that thing otherwise my face just radiates guilt.

I look like a distress flare.

Oh, well, just go, then. You might enjoy it!

Don't be so ridiculous, Arthur.

It's audience participation!

Anything yet, you two?

Sorry, Arthur, nothing's coming.

BEEPING Oh! That noise!

-Sorry.

-Come on, you're my ideas people, and we need some fresh ones.

If somebody can make money out of Michael's telephone

making that terrible noise

then surely we can come up with something.

As you know, Michael, in the world of entertainment

my legacy is established but I worry that not enough people know me

as an entrepreneur.

Barry Norman has his pickled onions,

Bill Wyman has his range of metal detectors

and Alan Sugar has, um, whatever he does.

What do I have?

I tell you what always gets the creative juices flowing, Arthur...

-A soupover!

-Good idea, John!

Sorry, what did you say? A sleepover?

-Isn't that for teenage girls?

-No, no - soupover.

-A soupover?

-Yeah.

-What is it?

-Just what it sounds like.

I don't know what it sounds like.

We get together and just have a bit of a chat and some soup.

-Soup?

-Yes! You wouldn't not have soup at a soupover!

I'm sorry, I'm still not quite sure I understand.

-Look, we all go to someone's house, right?

-Right.

And everyone brings a small selection of their favourite soups.

Right.

And...that's it.

-You each bring a small selection?

-Yes.

It's kind of like Come Dine With Me except with only soup.

-How many of you are involved?

-Just me, John and Eggy.

So if you each bring a small selection of soups,

-that's at least six different soups.

-Oh, at least.

Usually it'd be around nine separate soups.

My sister's washing my pyjamas, so I can't do it today.

Never mind, Eggy. It's more of a weekend thing, anyway.

-Pyjamas?

-Yes. We put on our pyjamas and watch Channel 4 Racing

and do all the other things you would do at a soupover.

So you do sleepover.

This is just like an old man version of a sleepover.

It's not overnight. We do it in the afternoon.

Why do you wear your pyjamas, then?

You can get very sleepy when you have soup during the day, Michael.

Especially leek and potato.

-Can I come?

-No girls.

-What? In this day and age?

-You didn't let me finish.

No girls have ever wanted to come to a soupover.

You'd be very welcome, of course, Birdie.

Actually, now I'm allowed to, I don't want to. I hate soup.

-What?

-I'm just not a fan.

If you'll excuse me.

What are you saying, Birdie?

Have I upset Eggy? I just don't like soup.

You've not been coming to the cafe long, Birdie,

so I'll explain to Eggy.

But don't be talking jive about soup!

We take it all very seriously.

-Why?

-What?

Why do you take soup seriously?

During World War I, Eggy's Grandfather Charlie

was a cook in the trenches.

On Christmas Day, there was a huge 1,000-player football match

between us and the Germans.

Afterwards, Charlie had the idea of making

a big load of soup for everyone.

There wasn't a pot big enough, so he had to make it in a cannon.

When it was ready, he lowered the cannon

and everyone came and got soup from it.

The Germans were a little bit nervous to see the cannon

being pointed at them, but when they saw it was full of soup,

they laughed and all was well.

So, to commemorate this moment in our nation's history,

you, Eggy and John eat up to nine separate soups in your pyjamas?

It really is as simple as that.

But it's not just one single incident.

Soup has played a pivotal role throughout history.

Archimedes, for example, was eating soup in the bath,

when he had his "urethra" moment.

And it's very much in that spirit that we formed our brotherhood.

A brotherhood of soup, if you will.

And you're doing it this weekend?

Just hold that thought.

Hi, hi, listen,

I've just remembered.

I'm not going to be able to make it this Saturday.

Oh, no! Why not?

I have a Cuban black bean and a Vietnamese noodle pho.

Oooh! Intriguing!

It's paying off already, John, getting some young blood in.

Oh, yes, we usually only have British soups.

-British soups?

-Yes, you know, like cream of chicken,

cream of tomato, cream of vegetable,

cream of mushroom, cream of cauliflower, cream of turkey,

and all the rest of the cream branch of the soup tree.

And then of course you have your broths -

Scotch broth, oxtail, mulligatawny, cock-a-leekie, mock turtle,

real turtle. And then we move on to the cup-a-soups...

-OK, I've got it, I've got it, thank you.

-What did you bring, John?

Cream of mushroom, leek and potato.

Oh, that's two very heavy soups.

You should always try to bring a consomme, John.

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, here's Eggy now.

Do we just start eating them when Eggy arrives?

-Oh, no. I've just had breakfast.

-Right, I skipped breakfast

because I thought we'd be eating soup all day.

-Hello, everyone!

-What have you got for us, Eggy?

I've got cream of broccoli, seafood chowder and lentil soup.

Again, very heavy soups. And three of them.

I'm a bit worried about this. What's the vase for?

I didn't have enough pots so I put the cream of broccoli in a vase.

Ooh, I've never had soup from a vase before. That's quite exciting.

It's different, isn't it?

PHONE RINGS

-Hi.

-Hello.

How ya doin', good lookin'?

Are you really not coming to this with me?

It's just I promised Arthur I'd do this thing with him.

It's actually a pain in the butt, really.

HE MOUTHS

Just not sure what time it will finish.

You kept going on about this show.

Do you know the trouble it took to get tickets?

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. Sorry!

You say that word so much, Michael.

I could really do without hearing that word for a while.

LINE DISCONNECTS

Ooh, that didn't go brilliantly.

Lady problems? Tell me about it!

What do you know about lady problems?

How to handle a woman? I know enough.

I know a single Cadbury's Rose

can bring a bigger smile than a whole box can.

I know they like to be treated like a queen in the kitchen,

a friend in the...bath,

and a vixen in the scullery!

But most importantly, love her. Merely love her.

You've been alone - sorry, a bachelor -

-the whole time I've known you.

-Yes, well... Actually, Eggy,

that's not a good place for the vase of soup.

I'll put it over here next to this extremely tall pile of sliced bread.

What was I saying? Oh, yes.

I don't think I could live with someone else's eccentricities.

-No women for us, eh, John?

-Yeah!

Shall we begin the festivities?

Ooh, let's go!

Are we really not having any soup now?

-I've just had breakfast.

-So have I.

OK.

Anyway, we always watch the racing first.

-It's a VHS tape.

-Yeah?

So it's a recording of some horse racing.

What's your point?

Nothing, I just...

OK.

INDISTINCT COMMENTARY ON RACING

Michael stood you up, did he? I couldn't help overhearing.

Ha. Sorry, Birdie.

Oh, no need to apologise to me.

It's him who should be apologising. Getting up to no good the way he is.

No, no, he said he's doing something important with Arthur.

-He's not up to anything.

-The soupover?

Sorry, the what?

They're supposedly having a soupover.

What's a soupover?

It's a celebration of soup. They each bring a different soup

and sit around eating it in their pyjamas.

-It sounds like the worst thing in the world.

-Wait, wait, wait.

You're saying he's not going to this extremely enjoyable event with me,

-because he's at something called a "soupover"?

-So he says.

-What do you mean?

-I don't believe it for a second.

I do.

Michael is exactly the right kind of boring for a soupover.

-Look at that.

-Beautiful.

Lovely runner.

Why can't I get any reception? I want to go on the internet.

Why would you want to go on the internet?

Whatever happened to conversation?

-Look at that.

-Beautiful.

Lovely runner.

I can't breathe. This is like living in the past.

This race isn't even live.

When are we having soup?

Relax, Michael. A soupover has its own rhythm.

You can't be rushing things. Abandon yourself to it.

-Wait a second. Wait a second...

-What?

Is this the same race?

-What do you mean?

-This is the same race!

This is the race that was just on!

Again, what's your point?

I thought it was at least different races!

-How many races have we watched in the last hour?

-Just the one.

Have we been watching the same five minutes of television over and over?

But it's a classic.

Dear God! Oh...

I need to sit down.

-Look at that.

-Beautiful.

Lovely runner.

MICHAEL GROANS

I tell you what, something funny's going on.

It's not the right weather for a soupover.

They're up to no good. Doing men things.

You're crazy. Men things?

Ha! Michael is not a man!

What do you mean "men things"?

You know, the things men like doing, when men get together

when there's no women there to keep an eye on them.

What do you mean "men things"?

The things of men and men's ways.

Ceremonies. Things, goings on.

What kind of things?

LOUD SLURPING

LOUD SLURPING

-SATISFIED:

-Ahhh!

LOUD SLURPING

LOUD SLURPING

Well, brothers, I'm getting

potatoes, leeks...

It's potato and leek, Arthur.

I haven't finished, Eggy.

There's a harshness to the potatoes

which indicates they were planted on the north side of the field,

whereas the smooth finish of the leeks suggests Suffolk

and its environs.

Michael?

It just tastes like soup.

He has a way to go yet.

Give him time. Give him time.

This one might surprise you, Arthur.

Mmmm!

Would I be right in saying that these mushrooms come from Lidls?

Disguises for cats.

Why?

Oh, well, let's not do that, then.

Cats are already in a sort of disguise, aren't they?

-How so, Eggy?

-Well, a fake beard is a disguise, isn't it?

And cats have sort of a body beard.

Does that get anything going?

Horseshoes!

They already exist.

No, I mean, proper ones that go over the horseshoes.

So it sounds like two men instead of one horse.

How and why and where would that be useful?

In cases of subterfuge.

If the enemy was looking for one man and a horse,

it would hear the footsteps and think it was roughly three men.

This might give the horse and man vital time to escape.

From where?

The war.

-Ohhh!

-Are you all right?

Yeah, I just got that feeling of vertigo again.

It's a very intense panic.

A soupover can be quite overpowering if you're not ready for it, Michael.

Put your legs between your head.

Fish "fungers".

-What's that, Arthur?

-A more fun version of fish fingers.

-Sounds like fish fungus.

-Ooh, it does a bit, doesn't it?

Maybe that's good.

Kids like things that are a little bit horrible, don't they?

Count Arthur Strong's Fish Fungers!

I could dress as a fisherman on the packet.

Or a doctor if we go the fungus route.

I really don't feel well. I have to go outside.

-I can't breathe!

-Michael, look at me, look at me!

This is a normal reaction to the soupover!

What do you mean?

Not everyone under the age of 60 can handle a soupover, Michael.

Your body is probably going into shock.

It's all so dull, so pointless!

It's grim, it's just grim!

Just push through it!

Push through it and come out of the other side!

I'm not sure I can!

There's soup in a vase!

There's soup...in a vase!

I'm not like you, this isn't me!

I've still got a chance!

There's still hope!

Well, I'll not stand in your way.

What... What's happened?

Oh, no! The extremely tall pile of sliced bread

has toppled into the vase of soup,

causing it to pour cream of broccoli all over your clothes.

Don't worry, I'll put a wash on.

-How long will that take?

-Just a couple of hours.

A couple of hours!

Brother Arthur. I'm concerned about Michael.

He grows pale and the light has gone from his eyes.

He's just acclimatising to the rigorous mental demands

of a soupover.

We've all been there.

The first time wasn't easy for any of us.

True, true.

His transformation is almost complete.

It grows chill.

-Brothers, there's a problem.

-A problem, you say?

There's still too much soup. The sink's full and so's the bin.

I was afraid of that.

While you've been a delightful addition to the soupover,

Michael, your presence has caused us something of a problem.

Soup disposal is difficult at the best of times,

but with four participants

there's a real danger of a sort of soup mountain forming.

What are we going to do?

TOILET FLUSHES

Flush it again, Brother John.

TOILET FLUSHES

-I'm probably losing loads of money, you know.

-What do you mean?

Water charges. All this flushing.

If there was something in the cistern

you wouldn't need as much water.

Hang on a second. Say that again.

Water displacement. If there was something in the cistern,

it'd use less water and you'd save money on water charges.

You might just have something there, Michael!

Wait a second, let me run the numbers.

They check out!

The average household could save up to £25 a year!

OK, OK, we've got something here. Something's cooking.

Questions - what kind of object should it be?

What should it be made of?

-My head is spinning. This is a brilliant idea.

-Settle in, boys.

The soup may be down the toilet, but this soupover is far from over.

Isn't that right, Michael?

HE GROANS

Ha-ha! Good old Michael!

-Names, names. Toilet Pal. Toilet Friend.

-Toilet Mate.

-Toilet Mate.

INDISTINCT CHATTER THROUGHOUT SCENE

..save at least £3,000 a year using this product.

What? Wait a minute, what did you say?

Any business employing over 1,000 people will save at least

£3,000 a year using this product.

But...that's quite good.

-Too right it is!

-What's that?

It's the Toilet Brick.

That's just a prototype.

The actual brick will be made of galvanised rubber.

This might be a good idea.

You might actually have come up with a good idea.

John, explain this to me.

Let me take through the key principals of the design...

The soupover is working its magic.

Michael is becoming one of us.

So he is truly The One.

But is he ready?

-He's still a young man.

-His youth is the key to the soupover's future.

Through Michael we can access the internet,

and soon every home will have a Toilet Brick.

We're going to be fairly well off.

Fairly well off I tell you!

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

DOORBELL RINGS Who can that be?

I think the biggest issue will be marketing, John.

If we can really put the Toilet Brick into every...

Hi, Sinem.

Oh. It really is a soupover.

-Well, yes, what did you think?

-I...

don't know.

They've come up with a pretty good idea, Sinem - the Toilet Brick.

It can save you money and it's good for the environment.

Right. I just thought you might have finished.

Thought you might still like to come.

Leave him, Sinem. He's happy here.

What's the delay? If you want a lift, let's get a move on.

I think Michael's staying.

Actually, what's that smell? Something smells good.

You know what, Michael, if this is the kind of life you really want,

then you should just say so. But this...

This isn't what I want. Goodbye, Michael.

-But it is actually a good idea. The Toilet Brick...

-Toilet Brick?

What the hell is a Toilet Brick?

It's a water displacement device you put in a cistern.

-I think it can work.

-Of course it works. We have one in the cafe.

It's called a Toilet Hippo.

-What?!

-What?!

Yeah, you can get them online.

-Sinem?

-Yes?

Let's get the hell out of here!

-Aren't you going to change?

-Loose clothing. Let's go! Go!

-So he wasn't The One.

-No.

But there is another.

Then they sprayed foam all over the audience

and put this really loud dance music on.

It was actually quite fun.

And did they grab you and take you to the top of the suspended dome?

No. Next time.

I think I'm going to try and be more open to those kind of things.

I'm not really ready for pyjamas and soup in the daytime.

No hurry. That's all ahead of you.

Can I have a spoon, please, Bulent?

Aaargh!

You up to much at the weekend?