Untrue Detective Count Arthur Strong


Untrue Detective

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It's very realistic, isn't it?

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Oh, we're known for our realism, John.

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Me and Terry don't do things by halves.

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But what happens, Arthur? You go to people's houses, and what?

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We give them a murder mystery experience.

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They find a body, look for clues

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and try to work out whodunnit.

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You know, like Agatha Whatsit

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with er...Hercule Biro and Mrs Marbles.

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Who are you playing tonight?

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Chief Inspector!

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You've shot up through the ranks.

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Imagine a world where that could happen.

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Bulent, you have to!

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Shouting again. This is shouting.

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He's going to notice, he's not an idiot!

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Well, it's all very impressive, Arthur.

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Thanks, John. This'll show bloody Martin Clunes.

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-I'm sorry?

-Martin Clunes.

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-What about him?

-Don't like him.

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He knocked into me once in Currys

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when we were both after the same meat thermometer.

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Took half the skin off the back of my hand

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because of his abnormally long fingernails.

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Look! I'll have that until the day I die.

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Plus, he's got no range. He's always either a vet or a doctor.

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I've been a bishop, a chauffeur, an international swimmer.

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And what do they have in common, all these great roles?

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-Have you told him?

-They're all hugely challenging parts.

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They're all dead!

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And dead. Yes, they have all passed away.

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I saw the website. He plays the victim in all of them.

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While it's true that I specialise in the recently, um...annihilated,

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Terry tells me we've had some very strong reviews on, um...TripAdvisor.

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And tonight's one has a little bit of a twist.

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My character, Chief Inspector Gregson,

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gets too close to the truth.

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So he's killed.

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All he does is lie down on the floor.

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And I bet he can't even do that.

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It's not as easy as it sounds, Bulent.

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No acting is easy for you. You are not an actor!

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And you lot, you encourage him! It's cruel!

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For your information, I've become known for characters

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going through a process of, um...rigor mortis.

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Ask around!

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Oh, yes, I think you'll find

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everyone's talking about my stiff parts.

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What are you smiling at?

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Am I?

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Oh. Er...no, I didn't mean...

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I'm just going to get a cup of tea.

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You all right? I saw you and Bulent having a thing.

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Oh! My dad's visiting.

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He has this habit of suggesting improvements for the cafe.

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Improvements? Ha!

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But you have to see him!

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Your dad? Oh. Right. Is he...?

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Presumably...

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We should probably... I should probably

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tell him about our, um...

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our...

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personal...

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..business.

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Ha! No!

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-Did you hear that?

-What?

-Sinem.

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Unless I'm misreading her, I don't think she wants me to meet her dad.

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Oh, well, I can understand that.

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What? Why?

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Well, you're not very impressive, are you?

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You're not an impressive person.

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You're...you're...you're underwhelming.

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You don't have "it".

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Can you believe how rude Bulent was to me just then?

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-Hi, again.

-Hiya!

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I just want to make sure I got this right.

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You don't want me to meet your father?

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No, no. No...I don't.

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No, I definitely don't want you to meet him, no.

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No. Sorry, but no.

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What's your spider sense picking up now?

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Michael, my dad, he's been through a lot.

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It toughened him up.

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He likes men to be...like him.

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Manly.

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HE GASPS

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I am manly!

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I am very manly!

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Ow, you're hurting my arm!

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Michael, you're one of the gentlest, sweetest men...

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Oh, Sinem, I think you've got an idea of me that's just not true.

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I mean, I know I'm not macho in the typical sense...

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Mm! These blueberries are exquisite!

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I definitely don't think you should meet my father.

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Get out of the kitchen!

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-"Not an actor"(!)

-Oh, don't let him get to you, Arthur.

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My...my corpse is the glue that holds the evening together.

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You should see the electric effect I have

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when they come in and I don't do anything.

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All right, everyone, if you open your envelopes,

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you'll find your character biographies.

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In a moment, we'll go through this door and the experience will begin.

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Examine the scene, record any clues in the notebooks we've provided,

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and try and stay in character because it's more fun that way.

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And above all, enjoy yourselves! Hm!

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-BAD COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Well, I do believe dinner is about to be served,

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so let me just see what my mentor and superior officer,

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Inspector Gregson, is up to.

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HE GASPS

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Inspector!

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Inspector Gregson!

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He...he...

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..he's dead!

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Murdered!

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So now it's over to you.

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One of you is a murderer,

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and it's up to the rest of you to find out who it is.

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This much is certain.

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Inspector Gregson, the one man who could have solved this mystery, is dead.

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Who killed him? Why?

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ARTHUR SPLUTTERS

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Why was he killed?

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Ooh, hang on, hang on, I'm on me keys.

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Was he killed because he knew too much?

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Sorry, they're travelling.

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How was he killed, and what was the murder weapon?

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That's better. Carry on. I'm completely dead now.

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A few questions to consider. Did somebody want to keep him quiet?

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ARTHUR FARTS

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Oh! Excuse me.

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Just imagine that was posthumous gas escaping.

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Let me just, er...check.

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Make sure he's definitely dead.

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-WHISPERS:

-Um...they're all here.

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Oh...oh...oh, yes. All right, I quite understand.

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Just let me get a bit more comfortable.

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There. Oh, I'm very cosy now.

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You won't hear another word.

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Now he's completely, definitely dead.

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But we will solve this murder. We have to.

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So enjoy the next few hours,

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for this will be the most suspenseful dinner you've ever had.

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ARTHUR SNORES

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Do you want to wake him up, tell him to be more dead?

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Should we just ignore it?

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Bloody Bulent! Knock your block off!

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-Arthur, wake up!

-Talk to me like that!

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What, is it...is it all over?

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Who'd have thought that the murderer...

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Don't give it away, Arthur!

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Oh, what, it's not all over?

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Very well, my lips are sealed.

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-Just don't take your eye off Lord Chumley.

-Oh!

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I'm sorry, Terry, I hate that I let you down.

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What happened in there?

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It's just, sometimes, I get a bit stiff, lying there all night.

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I'd love to get a chance to test my skills.

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We had a deal, Arthur.

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I know we did, I know. But I'm sick of being the inanimate eye candy.

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Look...when we...when we set this up,

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we agreed I would do all the acting.

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Yes, but you don't know what I can do! You haven't seen my form!

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Tonight, all you had to do was lie there and you couldn't even do that!

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Right, well, you're not the first that's said that to me today.

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Are we going to start a different one?

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Yeah. Sorry, we're just coming.

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Come on, let's do Murder on Mount Everest.

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Arthur?

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Arthur?

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You all right, Eggy?

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Yeah. It's Arthur. He looked really hurt by what Bulent said.

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It's true that he hasn't had a real acting job in ages.

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I don't think I've seen him in anything proper.

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I do wonder if maybe Bulent doesn't have a point.

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Are we being cruel, do you think, by encouraging him?

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SAD MUSIC

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TYRES SCREECH

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-Get off me! I'm all right!

-Are you OK, sir?

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I'm all right, I'm all right!

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Here you are, Inspector.

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-DEEP VOICE:

-You all right, John?

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You all right?

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Oh! All right, Michael?

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Whatcha doin'? You havin' a...you havin' a butcher's at the ponies?

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Yeah.

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I didn't think you was interested, Michael.

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Try me, Johnny boy.

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There's a nice little runner going in the 3:20 at Newmarket today.

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Pretty Prancer. She'll love the ground.

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The stable's in form and the jockey's got a 7lb claim.

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That's got to be worth a bull's-eye!

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Yeah, I don't understand what you're saying. Am I a manly man?

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-Huh?

-Well, you're manly.

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-That's true.

-Do you think I am?

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Manly, I mean?

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Well, maybe not in a classic sense.

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-Right.

-You have an air about you that's very delicate.

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Like a...

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baby deer.

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Or just a baby.

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I'm like a baby?

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Yeah, we're here now, Helen. Door's been forced open.

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Attempted break-in.

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I think we've scared them off. I'll have a look, anyway.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

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Sorry, Inspector, they didn't tell us they were sending anyone.

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They didn't tell you a lot of things, did they? Who else is here?

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-Constable Bennett.

-Constable Bennett...SIR!

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-Sorry, sir!

-That's all right, lad. New on the job?

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-Um...

-You're doing fine. Take me to Bennett.

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Hey. You should meet my father when he's in town.

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Somewhere far away from the cafe.

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-Sinem, doesn't want me to.

-Sinem doesn't know what she wants!

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She is a woman, we are men!

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Thank you, Bulent.

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You going to let yourself be controlled by a woman? Ha!

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-What kind of man are you?

-She's in the hatch.

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-QUIETER:

-Ha! What kind of man are you?

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I just do what I want.

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No woman can control me.

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-WHISPERS:

-Looks like she can hear you.

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I don't know how to make my voice go lower.

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You should meet my father, so I don't have to.

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It would be good for everyone.

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-OK, I'll meet him.

-Good.

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Is she still there?

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-Yes.

-OK.

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I don't know how to end this conversation,

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so I'm just going to leave for no reason.

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I don't want any corners cut, Bennett.

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Of course. But it's all fairly routine, isn't it?

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Is it, Bennett? Is it indeed?

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Go on, then, talk me through it, I could use a laugh.

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Well, the intruder gained entry by forcing the front door.

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We won't know what's missing until we've tracked the owner down.

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Very good. But I want you to do something for me.

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Look around the room, tell me what you see.

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-Look beyond the obvious.

-How do you mean?

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The table! Look at the table!

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Gordon Bennett, Bennett!

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There's a remainder of a meal.

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A half-eaten meal. Which means?

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The person who left it didn't have time to clean up?

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Or...he, or she, or they, or it,

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were interrupted by person or persons unknown.

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I'm not sure what you're saying.

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It's not for me to say what I'm saying.

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I have more important things to do!

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Get Forensics in here!

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I want everything that isn't nailed down in a test tube by this evening.

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Really? But it's just a break-in.

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I have a hunch, Bennett.

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And when I have a hunch, I follow my nose, see where it takes me.

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And I've been to some pretty dark places and back

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with this nose and, um...my, er...hunch.

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Throw a half-mile cordon around the area.

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I want this place sealed off.

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No-one gets in, no-one gets out.

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Um...except me, obviously.

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And...and you, and the police, all the police.

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All the police get in and out, but no-one else does.

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Unless it's Cracker, or someone like that. Understood?

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Good man. Now, get on with it!

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I hope to God I'm wrong.

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SIRENS WAIL

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Find something, damn you, find something!

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What is it you think they'll find, sir?

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I'm not in the business of second-guessing what I'm thinking.

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I deal in facts, Bennett. Hard, cold facts.

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It's what's got me wherever it is I am today.

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-The press are here.

-Give me strength!

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All right, all right, I'll deal with them.

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Police have cordoned off the immediate area,

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with many people unable to get into their homes.

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We're joined by Chief Inspector Gregson. Thank you for joining us.

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-Lovely to be here.

-What can you tell us about what's going on?

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Well, as you'll appreciate, Donna,

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the investigation is in its very early stages

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and I wouldn't want to say anything that could compromise

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or jer-opodise an ongoing investigation.

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Is it a murder investigation?

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At this point, I can neither confirm nor deny that.

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But what I can tell you is this,

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I and my men and I will move heaven and earth

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to get to the bottom of whatever is or isn't going on here.

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Rest assured, someone will pay for...this sort of thing.

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What have you found in the garden?

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I'm afraid I am unable to answer that question

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due to the Official Secretions Act.

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Now, if there are no more questions, I'll return to my investigation.

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Nothing more to see here, nothing more to see. Good day.

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Get a move on digging that garden up!

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-What were you talking about?

-Nothing!

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-Michael!

-Stop towering over me, you're frightening me.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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Yes, yes, speaking.

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What?

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Yes. Yes, I'm coming.

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-You OK?

-It's Arthur, he's at the hospital.

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If I could just ask you a few questions about who did this to you?

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Ephonemia?

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I've never heard of it.

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He's in a sort of sleepwalking state.

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For Arthur, this identity he's assumed is more real than real.

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It could be dangerous to rouse him from it.

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-What can we do?

-Well, it may sound odd,

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but give him a mystery to solve.

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It could well unravel the contradictions in his psyche.

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That seems...crazy.

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Oh, OK. What would I know(?)

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Oh, gosh! No, sorry. Um...

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Thank you. Thank you, Doctor.

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Hm! Um...

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All right, Detective Inspector...sir.

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There's a new case for you to crack.

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Very good. Lead on, son.

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This one should do it - Murder at the Manor.

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-No! I refuse!

-Bulent, you said you'd help him.

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I thought you meant make him a cup of tea or something!

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The doctor said he has to have a whole experience.

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Do you want to speak to the doctor?

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-Do you think you know better than a doctor?

-Well, good luck.

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Thanks again, Terry.

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Oh, don't thank me, just take care of my stuff and take care of Arthur.

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I still don't like this.

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Come on, Bulent, we don't want to leave Arthur like this, do we?

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Confused, aggressive and weird?

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-Where is he?

-He's looking through your dustbin for clues.

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What?! Oh, actually, that's fine.

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Right, parts.

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-John, Biggs the chauffeur.

-Ah!

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Eggy, Lady Margery.

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Lady Margery? Ooh, nobility!

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Bulent, Lord Swatton's estranged son Oliver.

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And Sinem, his beautiful but enigmatic daughter Margaret.

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And I am Constable Harker,

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a disillusioned cop with a chip on his shoulder and a fiery temper.

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What's this? "A sickly effeminate Englishman

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"who always overthinks things

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"and therefore cannot live his life to the full."

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-DEEP VOICE:

-I've got a temper.

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I take it His Lordship's body has been removed?

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Yes, sir!

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-What do I call you?

-Harker, sir! Constable Harker, sir!

0:18:060:18:09

Harker. Wasn't your father on the force?

0:18:090:18:12

-I don't know.

-Bit of a loose cannon, as I recall.

0:18:120:18:14

Is that what I've got on my hands here, Harker, a loose cannon?

0:18:140:18:16

I am a bit of a loose cannon, sir, but not too much.

0:18:160:18:19

Glad to hear it. Glad to hear it, Harker. Very glad to hear it.

0:18:190:18:22

Glad to hear it indeed!

0:18:220:18:25

What?

0:18:270:18:28

I didn't say anything.

0:18:280:18:29

Good, good. I like you, Harker.

0:18:290:18:31

We should go for a pint and talk about how unhappy I am.

0:18:310:18:34

And who do we have here?

0:18:370:18:40

Lady Margery Swatton, sir.

0:18:430:18:45

A pleasure, milady.

0:18:450:18:47

SQUELCHY KISS

0:18:490:18:51

Could I offer my condolences

0:18:520:18:54

at what must be a very difficult time for you.

0:18:540:18:56

Yes. It...it came as a terrible shock to us all.

0:18:560:19:00

Is she not fragrant?

0:19:000:19:01

If you're up to it, my lady, I need to ask you a few questions.

0:19:040:19:08

Of course. But be quick, won't you?

0:19:080:19:11

A lady needs her beauty sleep.

0:19:110:19:13

Then that would be a very short sleep indeed.

0:19:130:19:15

And you are quite, um...

0:19:160:19:19

er...er...a corker!

0:19:190:19:21

Indeed, if I were not here professionally,

0:19:240:19:26

I would be all over you,

0:19:260:19:28

like a German Shepherd on some...

0:19:280:19:31

chicken.

0:19:310:19:32

Please, park it here.

0:19:340:19:36

-Cigarette?

-Where?

0:19:370:19:39

HE LAUGHS

0:19:390:19:41

Oh, delightful! Quite delightful!

0:19:410:19:42

But if I may just be serious for a moment,

0:19:420:19:44

did you kill your husband?! And why?!

0:19:440:19:47

-No!

-Well, I don't think there'll anything else.

0:19:470:19:51

I-I do apologise, my lady, for giving you such a severe probing.

0:19:530:19:57

I have to ask. It's my job, it's what I do.

0:19:580:20:02

I understand.

0:20:020:20:04

Thank you, Inspector.

0:20:040:20:06

If you need me, just whistle.

0:20:060:20:08

You know how to whistle, don't you?

0:20:090:20:11

You open your lips a little bit

0:20:110:20:14

and put your tongue against the base of your bottom teeth

0:20:140:20:17

and exhale with some force, avoiding sputum.

0:20:170:20:21

I was in the car with her ladyship.

0:20:260:20:29

-What time, Biggs?

-I can't remember.

0:20:290:20:31

Can't remember, or won't remember?

0:20:310:20:33

Can't. I didn't read the little card.

0:20:330:20:37

Oh, I've had just about enough of this!

0:20:370:20:39

I've got the guv'nor giving me it in the neck

0:20:390:20:42

and you, on the other end, jerking my chain!

0:20:420:20:44

And my ass is in a sling!

0:20:440:20:47

I don't know what you're talking about!

0:20:500:20:51

Answer the question, Biggs!

0:20:540:20:56

Calm down, Michael!

0:20:570:20:59

All right, all right, time-out!

0:20:590:21:01

You have to forgive Constable Harker, he's a bit of a wild one.

0:21:010:21:04

I'm a loose canon!

0:21:040:21:06

In fact, sometimes, I have to hold him back,

0:21:080:21:12

-or goodness knows what he's capable of.

-Mmm.

0:21:120:21:15

Oh, get him out of my sight!

0:21:170:21:19

Don't leave town, Mr Chauffeur,

0:21:190:21:21

or you'll be chauffeuring yourself into prison!

0:21:210:21:25

I sus-pose you're all wondering why I gathered you here this evening?

0:21:320:21:35

Here you are, Miss, dry those eyes.

0:21:400:21:42

-EMOTIONAL:

-Thank you.

0:21:420:21:44

-SEDUCTIVE:

-You're very kind.

0:21:440:21:45

Make this quick! I have better things to do with my time!

0:21:490:21:51

Oh, we all have somewhere we'd rather be.

0:21:510:21:54

I'd quite like to be listening to classical music

0:21:540:21:57

while drinking real ale in a Jaguar.

0:21:570:22:00

Or talking through the events of the day with my alcoholic sister.

0:22:010:22:04

But I find myself here, clearing this mess up. Biggs!

0:22:050:22:09

-Who, me?

-You say you were talking to Lady Margery this morning?

0:22:090:22:12

-That's right.

-Talking, you say?

0:22:120:22:15

-Think carefully before you answer.

-Yes.

0:22:150:22:17

I put it to you there was very little talking going on.

0:22:170:22:21

In fact, the talking was probably along the lines of,

0:22:210:22:25

"Take your jumper off. Not bad for my age, am I?"

0:22:250:22:28

and, "Do you need a blast of your inhaler?"

0:22:280:22:32

It's true! I do have feelings for him!

0:22:330:22:37

Madge, don't!

0:22:370:22:38

-We love each other!

-Think of what it'll do to your family!

0:22:380:22:42

I don't care who knows!

0:22:420:22:44

I'm glad it's out! Glad, do you hear me?

0:22:440:22:47

But I never killed my husband!

0:22:470:22:49

You must believe me, Inspector!

0:22:490:22:52

SOBS

0:22:520:22:54

Incidentally, don't you think it's about time

0:22:540:22:57

you told your daughter who her father is?

0:22:570:22:59

-What do you mean?

-Oh, come, come. Look at the likeness!

0:22:590:23:03

Daddy?

0:23:070:23:09

All right?

0:23:090:23:10

A moving family reunion.

0:23:140:23:16

Which brings me to you.

0:23:180:23:20

OK, come on, let's get this over with.

0:23:200:23:23

Your alibi was that you were playing tennis when your father was killed.

0:23:230:23:26

Who was your opponent?

0:23:260:23:28

-I don't know.

-OK, let's stick to what we do know.

0:23:280:23:30

-You don't think very much of your stepmother, do you?

-No.

0:23:320:23:35

-And your father?

-My father is a hero to me.

0:23:350:23:38

Is he? Is he really?

0:23:380:23:40

What are you saying?

0:23:400:23:41

You've always thought your father was a little ashamed of you, haven't you?

0:23:410:23:45

-No!

-You always wanted to make him proud, didn't you?

0:23:450:23:48

-Of course!

-But it was not forthcoming, his pride in you, was it?

0:23:480:23:51

And so, you came to resent him!

0:23:510:23:53

-Mind what you say!

-This man who you could never do right by!

0:23:530:23:57

-That's not true!

-Which is why you wanted to get rid of him.

0:23:570:24:00

No, it's not true! It's not true!

0:24:000:24:02

But you had an accomplice, didn't you?

0:24:020:24:05

Constable Harker!

0:24:050:24:06

-What?

-It was you who agreed to meet his father at a specified location.

0:24:100:24:15

You who said you'd look after him.

0:24:150:24:18

I-I-I-I don't know what you're talking about.

0:24:180:24:20

Oh, I think you do, Constable. I very much think you do.

0:24:200:24:24

Wait, is this real now? Bulent?

0:24:240:24:26

-S-S-Shut up!

-I just need to check.

0:24:260:24:28

-WHISPERS:

-Shut up, damn you, shut up!

0:24:280:24:30

Is what real? Michael, what's going on?

0:24:300:24:33

Don't be too hard on him, Miss. He did it for love.

0:24:330:24:36

It's true. Your father...

0:24:360:24:39

Bulent asked me to take care of him.

0:24:390:24:42

Damn you, you fool! You've ruined everything!

0:24:420:24:44

You ARE meeting Dad!

0:24:440:24:46

-All right!

-And so am I!

0:24:460:24:48

-Michael!

-No, I'm sorry, Sinem, but I insist!

0:24:480:24:51

I really think you're great and I want to meet your dad

0:24:510:24:54

because I bet he's great, too.

0:24:540:24:56

And you're my girlfriend,

0:24:560:24:58

and boyfriends should meet their girlfriends' fathers.

0:24:580:25:00

It's the rules.

0:25:000:25:02

Um...OK.

0:25:020:25:04

Well, it looks like...

0:25:050:25:07

It looks like they've, um...

0:25:070:25:09

Oh, I'm sorry. They've... Ooh!

0:25:090:25:12

-Arthur?!

-Hey!

-Arthur!

0:25:120:25:14

What's going on?! What's happening?!

0:25:140:25:16

Hey, idiot man!

0:25:160:25:18

Get up, idiot man!

0:25:200:25:22

Got you!

0:25:230:25:25

-What?!

-ARTHUR LAUGHS

0:25:250:25:27

Got all of you! How about that?

0:25:270:25:29

You all said I couldn't act!

0:25:290:25:31

You said I couldn't even play a dead person!

0:25:310:25:34

Well, what do you think now, eh?

0:25:340:25:36

I fooled the police, I fooled them at the hospital

0:25:360:25:39

and then I fooled you!

0:25:390:25:40

-I'll kill you!

-Steady on, Bulent!

0:25:400:25:42

You don't want to give yourself a turn!

0:25:420:25:44

-Let go!

-Bulent!

-I'll kill him!

0:25:440:25:45

-Bulent!

-I'll kill him!

-Bulent!

-I'll kill him!

0:25:450:25:47

-DEEP VOICE:

-Leave it!

0:25:470:25:50

Oh!

0:25:510:25:53

So, you knew what was happening all the time?

0:25:540:25:57

Yep. When I saw those policemen, I thought I'd have a bit of fun,

0:26:010:26:04

and it just got out of hand.

0:26:040:26:07

When they found out I wasn't a real policeman,

0:26:070:26:09

I nearly got into trouble, so I blamed it on the knock on the head

0:26:090:26:12

and they took me to hospital, and the rest, you know.

0:26:120:26:16

Well, whatever I said about your acting, I take it back.

0:26:160:26:19

Why is the counter here?

0:26:190:26:20

I like it here.

0:26:200:26:22

Well, it should be there.

0:26:220:26:23

Well, it's not, it's here.

0:26:230:26:25

You! You say you are seeing my daughter?

0:26:250:26:29

That's right.

0:26:290:26:30

Have you ever been arrested for fighting for democracy?

0:26:300:26:33

-DEEP VOICE:

-Not yet.

0:26:340:26:36

All right, come on. Now you're in London, what would you like to do?

0:26:360:26:40

Yes, we're going to take you on a day out.

0:26:400:26:42

-What do you fancy?

-I'm busy today.

0:26:420:26:44

Busy? With what?

0:26:440:26:47

Come on, then, Mahzu!

0:26:470:26:49

Arthur, where shall we go first?

0:26:490:26:51

-Bookies?

-Good idea!

0:26:510:26:53

Maybe John can give us a few tips.

0:26:530:26:56

Bulent, I will see you later for dinner.

0:26:560:26:58

Oh, and Bulent?

0:26:580:27:01

I like the menu.

0:27:010:27:03

Good menu.

0:27:030:27:04

Oh, Arthur? Arthur? There's just one thing I don't quite understand.

0:27:050:27:09

The doctor who said you had ephonemia, how did you get him involved?

0:27:090:27:12

-What?

-The doctor who said you had to solve mystery.

0:27:120:27:15

First I've heard of it.

0:27:150:27:16

-You didn't meet a doctor?

-No.

0:27:170:27:19

Oh.

0:27:190:27:21

I wonder what happened there?

0:27:210:27:22

All right, Detective Inspector...sir.

0:27:220:27:26

There's a new case for you to crack.

0:27:270:27:29

Very good. Lead on, son.

0:27:290:27:32

But I have more patients!

0:27:370:27:39

Now, now, Peter, you're not a doctor.

0:27:390:27:42

You've just had a nasty bump on the head.

0:27:420:27:44

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