Untrue Detective Count Arthur Strong

It's very realistic, isn't it?

Oh, we're known for our realism, John.

Me and Terry don't do things by halves.

But what happens, Arthur? You go to people's houses, and what?

We give them a murder mystery experience.

They find a body, look for clues

and try to work out whodunnit.

You know, like Agatha Whatsit

with er...Hercule Biro and Mrs Marbles.

Who are you playing tonight?

Chief Inspector!

You've shot up through the ranks.

Imagine a world where that could happen.

Bulent, you have to!

Shouting again. This is shouting.

He's going to notice, he's not an idiot!

Well, it's all very impressive, Arthur.

Thanks, John. This'll show bloody Martin Clunes.

-I'm sorry?

-Martin Clunes.

-What about him?

-Don't like him.

He knocked into me once in Currys

when we were both after the same meat thermometer.

Took half the skin off the back of my hand

because of his abnormally long fingernails.

Look! I'll have that until the day I die.

Plus, he's got no range. He's always either a vet or a doctor.

I've been a bishop, a chauffeur, an international swimmer.

And what do they have in common, all these great roles?

-Have you told him?

-They're all hugely challenging parts.

They're all dead!

And dead. Yes, they have all passed away.

I saw the website. He plays the victim in all of them.

While it's true that I specialise in the recently, um...annihilated,

Terry tells me we've had some very strong reviews on, um...TripAdvisor.

And tonight's one has a little bit of a twist.

My character, Chief Inspector Gregson,

gets too close to the truth.

So he's killed.

All he does is lie down on the floor.

And I bet he can't even do that.

It's not as easy as it sounds, Bulent.

No acting is easy for you. You are not an actor!

And you lot, you encourage him! It's cruel!

For your information, I've become known for characters

going through a process of, um...rigor mortis.

Ask around!

Oh, yes, I think you'll find

everyone's talking about my stiff parts.

What are you smiling at?

Am I?

Oh. Er...no, I didn't mean...

I'm just going to get a cup of tea.

You all right? I saw you and Bulent having a thing.

Oh! My dad's visiting.

He has this habit of suggesting improvements for the cafe.

Improvements? Ha!

But you have to see him!

Your dad? Oh. Right. Is he...?

Presumably...

We should probably... I should probably

tell him about our, um...

our...

personal...

..business.

Ha! No!

-Did you hear that?

-What?

-Sinem.

Unless I'm misreading her, I don't think she wants me to meet her dad.

Oh, well, I can understand that.

What? Why?

Well, you're not very impressive, are you?

You're not an impressive person.

You're...you're...you're underwhelming.

You don't have "it".

Can you believe how rude Bulent was to me just then?

-Hi, again.

-Hiya!

I just want to make sure I got this right.

You don't want me to meet your father?

No, no. No...I don't.

No, I definitely don't want you to meet him, no.

No. Sorry, but no.

What's your spider sense picking up now?

Michael, my dad, he's been through a lot.

It toughened him up.

He likes men to be...like him.

Manly.

HE GASPS

I am manly!

I am very manly!

Ow, you're hurting my arm!

Michael, you're one of the gentlest, sweetest men...

Oh, Sinem, I think you've got an idea of me that's just not true.

I mean, I know I'm not macho in the typical sense...

Mm! These blueberries are exquisite!

I definitely don't think you should meet my father.

Get out of the kitchen!

-"Not an actor"(!)

-Oh, don't let him get to you, Arthur.

My...my corpse is the glue that holds the evening together.

You should see the electric effect I have

when they come in and I don't do anything.

All right, everyone, if you open your envelopes,

you'll find your character biographies.

In a moment, we'll go through this door and the experience will begin.

Examine the scene, record any clues in the notebooks we've provided,

and try and stay in character because it's more fun that way.

And above all, enjoy yourselves! Hm!

-BAD COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Well, I do believe dinner is about to be served,

so let me just see what my mentor and superior officer,

Inspector Gregson, is up to.

HE GASPS

Inspector!

Inspector Gregson!

He...he...

..he's dead!

Murdered!

So now it's over to you.

One of you is a murderer,

and it's up to the rest of you to find out who it is.

This much is certain.

Inspector Gregson, the one man who could have solved this mystery, is dead.

Who killed him? Why?

ARTHUR SPLUTTERS

Why was he killed?

Ooh, hang on, hang on, I'm on me keys.

Was he killed because he knew too much?

Sorry, they're travelling.

How was he killed, and what was the murder weapon?

That's better. Carry on. I'm completely dead now.

A few questions to consider. Did somebody want to keep him quiet?

ARTHUR FARTS

Oh! Excuse me.

Just imagine that was posthumous gas escaping.

Let me just, er...check.

Make sure he's definitely dead.

-WHISPERS:

-Um...they're all here.

Oh...oh...oh, yes. All right, I quite understand.

Just let me get a bit more comfortable.

There. Oh, I'm very cosy now.

You won't hear another word.

Now he's completely, definitely dead.

But we will solve this murder. We have to.

So enjoy the next few hours,

for this will be the most suspenseful dinner you've ever had.

ARTHUR SNORES

Do you want to wake him up, tell him to be more dead?

Should we just ignore it?

Bloody Bulent! Knock your block off!

-Arthur, wake up!

-Talk to me like that!

What, is it...is it all over?

Who'd have thought that the murderer...

Don't give it away, Arthur!

Oh, what, it's not all over?

Very well, my lips are sealed.

-Just don't take your eye off Lord Chumley.

-Oh!

I'm sorry, Terry, I hate that I let you down.

What happened in there?

It's just, sometimes, I get a bit stiff, lying there all night.

I'd love to get a chance to test my skills.

We had a deal, Arthur.

I know we did, I know. But I'm sick of being the inanimate eye candy.

Look...when we...when we set this up,

we agreed I would do all the acting.

Yes, but you don't know what I can do! You haven't seen my form!

Tonight, all you had to do was lie there and you couldn't even do that!

Right, well, you're not the first that's said that to me today.

Are we going to start a different one?

Yeah. Sorry, we're just coming.

Come on, let's do Murder on Mount Everest.

Arthur?

Arthur?

You all right, Eggy?

Yeah. It's Arthur. He looked really hurt by what Bulent said.

It's true that he hasn't had a real acting job in ages.

I don't think I've seen him in anything proper.

I do wonder if maybe Bulent doesn't have a point.

Are we being cruel, do you think, by encouraging him?

SAD MUSIC

TYRES SCREECH

-Get off me! I'm all right!

-Are you OK, sir?

I'm all right, I'm all right!

Here you are, Inspector.

-DEEP VOICE:

-You all right, John?

You all right?

Oh! All right, Michael?

Whatcha doin'? You havin' a...you havin' a butcher's at the ponies?

Yeah.

I didn't think you was interested, Michael.

Try me, Johnny boy.

There's a nice little runner going in the 3:20 at Newmarket today.

Pretty Prancer. She'll love the ground.

The stable's in form and the jockey's got a 7lb claim.

That's got to be worth a bull's-eye!

Yeah, I don't understand what you're saying. Am I a manly man?

-Huh?

-Well, you're manly.

-That's true.

-Do you think I am?

Manly, I mean?

Well, maybe not in a classic sense.

-Right.

-You have an air about you that's very delicate.

Like a...

baby deer.

Or just a baby.

I'm like a baby?

Yeah, we're here now, Helen. Door's been forced open.

Attempted break-in.

I think we've scared them off. I'll have a look, anyway.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Sorry, Inspector, they didn't tell us they were sending anyone.

They didn't tell you a lot of things, did they? Who else is here?

-Constable Bennett.

-Constable Bennett...SIR!

-Sorry, sir!

-That's all right, lad. New on the job?

-Um...

-You're doing fine. Take me to Bennett.

Hey. You should meet my father when he's in town.

Somewhere far away from the cafe.

-Sinem, doesn't want me to.

-Sinem doesn't know what she wants!

She is a woman, we are men!

Thank you, Bulent.

You going to let yourself be controlled by a woman? Ha!

-What kind of man are you?

-She's in the hatch.

-QUIETER:

-Ha! What kind of man are you?

I just do what I want.

No woman can control me.

-WHISPERS:

-Looks like she can hear you.

I don't know how to make my voice go lower.

You should meet my father, so I don't have to.

It would be good for everyone.

-OK, I'll meet him.

-Good.

Is she still there?

-Yes.

-OK.

I don't know how to end this conversation,

so I'm just going to leave for no reason.

I don't want any corners cut, Bennett.

Of course. But it's all fairly routine, isn't it?

Is it, Bennett? Is it indeed?

Go on, then, talk me through it, I could use a laugh.

Well, the intruder gained entry by forcing the front door.

We won't know what's missing until we've tracked the owner down.

Very good. But I want you to do something for me.

Look around the room, tell me what you see.

-Look beyond the obvious.

-How do you mean?

The table! Look at the table!

Gordon Bennett, Bennett!

There's a remainder of a meal.

A half-eaten meal. Which means?

The person who left it didn't have time to clean up?

Or...he, or she, or they, or it,

were interrupted by person or persons unknown.

I'm not sure what you're saying.

It's not for me to say what I'm saying.

I have more important things to do!

Get Forensics in here!

I want everything that isn't nailed down in a test tube by this evening.

Really? But it's just a break-in.

I have a hunch, Bennett.

And when I have a hunch, I follow my nose, see where it takes me.

And I've been to some pretty dark places and back

with this nose and, um...my, er...hunch.

Throw a half-mile cordon around the area.

I want this place sealed off.

No-one gets in, no-one gets out.

Um...except me, obviously.

And...and you, and the police, all the police.

All the police get in and out, but no-one else does.

Unless it's Cracker, or someone like that. Understood?

Good man. Now, get on with it!

I hope to God I'm wrong.

SIRENS WAIL

Find something, damn you, find something!

What is it you think they'll find, sir?

I'm not in the business of second-guessing what I'm thinking.

I deal in facts, Bennett. Hard, cold facts.

It's what's got me wherever it is I am today.

-The press are here.

-Give me strength!

All right, all right, I'll deal with them.

Police have cordoned off the immediate area,

with many people unable to get into their homes.

We're joined by Chief Inspector Gregson. Thank you for joining us.

-Lovely to be here.

-What can you tell us about what's going on?

Well, as you'll appreciate, Donna,

the investigation is in its very early stages

and I wouldn't want to say anything that could compromise

or jer-opodise an ongoing investigation.

Is it a murder investigation?

At this point, I can neither confirm nor deny that.

But what I can tell you is this,

I and my men and I will move heaven and earth

to get to the bottom of whatever is or isn't going on here.

Rest assured, someone will pay for...this sort of thing.

What have you found in the garden?

I'm afraid I am unable to answer that question

due to the Official Secretions Act.

Now, if there are no more questions, I'll return to my investigation.

Nothing more to see here, nothing more to see. Good day.

Get a move on digging that garden up!

-What were you talking about?

-Nothing!

-Michael!

-Stop towering over me, you're frightening me.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, yes, speaking.

What?

Yes. Yes, I'm coming.

-You OK?

-It's Arthur, he's at the hospital.

If I could just ask you a few questions about who did this to you?

Ephonemia?

I've never heard of it.

He's in a sort of sleepwalking state.

For Arthur, this identity he's assumed is more real than real.

It could be dangerous to rouse him from it.

-What can we do?

-Well, it may sound odd,

but give him a mystery to solve.

It could well unravel the contradictions in his psyche.

That seems...crazy.

Oh, OK. What would I know(?)

Oh, gosh! No, sorry. Um...

Thank you. Thank you, Doctor.

Hm! Um...

All right, Detective Inspector...sir.

There's a new case for you to crack.

Very good. Lead on, son.

This one should do it - Murder at the Manor.

-No! I refuse!

-Bulent, you said you'd help him.

I thought you meant make him a cup of tea or something!

The doctor said he has to have a whole experience.

Do you want to speak to the doctor?

-Do you think you know better than a doctor?

-Well, good luck.

Thanks again, Terry.

Oh, don't thank me, just take care of my stuff and take care of Arthur.

I still don't like this.

Come on, Bulent, we don't want to leave Arthur like this, do we?

Confused, aggressive and weird?

-Where is he?

-He's looking through your dustbin for clues.

What?! Oh, actually, that's fine.

Right, parts.

-John, Biggs the chauffeur.

-Ah!

Eggy, Lady Margery.

Lady Margery? Ooh, nobility!

Bulent, Lord Swatton's estranged son Oliver.

And Sinem, his beautiful but enigmatic daughter Margaret.

And I am Constable Harker,

a disillusioned cop with a chip on his shoulder and a fiery temper.

What's this? "A sickly effeminate Englishman

"who always overthinks things

"and therefore cannot live his life to the full."

-DEEP VOICE:

-I've got a temper.

I take it His Lordship's body has been removed?

Yes, sir!

-What do I call you?

-Harker, sir! Constable Harker, sir!

Harker. Wasn't your father on the force?

-I don't know.

-Bit of a loose cannon, as I recall.

Is that what I've got on my hands here, Harker, a loose cannon?

I am a bit of a loose cannon, sir, but not too much.

Glad to hear it. Glad to hear it, Harker. Very glad to hear it.

Glad to hear it indeed!

What?

I didn't say anything.

Good, good. I like you, Harker.

We should go for a pint and talk about how unhappy I am.

And who do we have here?

Lady Margery Swatton, sir.

A pleasure, milady.

SQUELCHY KISS

Could I offer my condolences

at what must be a very difficult time for you.

Yes. It...it came as a terrible shock to us all.

Is she not fragrant?

If you're up to it, my lady, I need to ask you a few questions.

Of course. But be quick, won't you?

A lady needs her beauty sleep.

Then that would be a very short sleep indeed.

And you are quite, um...

er...er...a corker!

Indeed, if I were not here professionally,

I would be all over you,

like a German Shepherd on some...

chicken.

Please, park it here.

-Cigarette?

-Where?

HE LAUGHS

Oh, delightful! Quite delightful!

But if I may just be serious for a moment,

did you kill your husband?! And why?!

-No!

-Well, I don't think there'll anything else.

I-I do apologise, my lady, for giving you such a severe probing.

I have to ask. It's my job, it's what I do.

I understand.

Thank you, Inspector.

If you need me, just whistle.

You know how to whistle, don't you?

You open your lips a little bit

and put your tongue against the base of your bottom teeth

and exhale with some force, avoiding sputum.

I was in the car with her ladyship.

-What time, Biggs?

-I can't remember.

Can't remember, or won't remember?

Can't. I didn't read the little card.

Oh, I've had just about enough of this!

I've got the guv'nor giving me it in the neck

and you, on the other end, jerking my chain!

And my ass is in a sling!

I don't know what you're talking about!

Answer the question, Biggs!

Calm down, Michael!

All right, all right, time-out!

You have to forgive Constable Harker, he's a bit of a wild one.

I'm a loose canon!

In fact, sometimes, I have to hold him back,

-or goodness knows what he's capable of.

-Mmm.

Oh, get him out of my sight!

Don't leave town, Mr Chauffeur,

or you'll be chauffeuring yourself into prison!

I sus-pose you're all wondering why I gathered you here this evening?

Here you are, Miss, dry those eyes.

-EMOTIONAL:

-Thank you.

-SEDUCTIVE:

-You're very kind.

Make this quick! I have better things to do with my time!

Oh, we all have somewhere we'd rather be.

I'd quite like to be listening to classical music

while drinking real ale in a Jaguar.

Or talking through the events of the day with my alcoholic sister.

But I find myself here, clearing this mess up. Biggs!

-Who, me?

-You say you were talking to Lady Margery this morning?

-That's right.

-Talking, you say?

-Think carefully before you answer.

-Yes.

I put it to you there was very little talking going on.

In fact, the talking was probably along the lines of,

"Take your jumper off. Not bad for my age, am I?"

and, "Do you need a blast of your inhaler?"

It's true! I do have feelings for him!

Madge, don't!

-We love each other!

-Think of what it'll do to your family!

I don't care who knows!

I'm glad it's out! Glad, do you hear me?

But I never killed my husband!

You must believe me, Inspector!

SOBS

Incidentally, don't you think it's about time

you told your daughter who her father is?

-What do you mean?

-Oh, come, come. Look at the likeness!

Daddy?

All right?

A moving family reunion.

Which brings me to you.

OK, come on, let's get this over with.

Your alibi was that you were playing tennis when your father was killed.

Who was your opponent?

-I don't know.

-OK, let's stick to what we do know.

-You don't think very much of your stepmother, do you?

-No.

-And your father?

-My father is a hero to me.

Is he? Is he really?

What are you saying?

You've always thought your father was a little ashamed of you, haven't you?

-No!

-You always wanted to make him proud, didn't you?

-Of course!

-But it was not forthcoming, his pride in you, was it?

And so, you came to resent him!

-Mind what you say!

-This man who you could never do right by!

-That's not true!

-Which is why you wanted to get rid of him.

No, it's not true! It's not true!

But you had an accomplice, didn't you?

Constable Harker!

-What?

-It was you who agreed to meet his father at a specified location.

You who said you'd look after him.

I-I-I-I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, I think you do, Constable. I very much think you do.

Wait, is this real now? Bulent?

-S-S-Shut up!

-I just need to check.

-WHISPERS:

-Shut up, damn you, shut up!

Is what real? Michael, what's going on?

Don't be too hard on him, Miss. He did it for love.

It's true. Your father...

Bulent asked me to take care of him.

Damn you, you fool! You've ruined everything!

You ARE meeting Dad!

-All right!

-And so am I!

-Michael!

-No, I'm sorry, Sinem, but I insist!

I really think you're great and I want to meet your dad

because I bet he's great, too.

And you're my girlfriend,

and boyfriends should meet their girlfriends' fathers.

It's the rules.

Um...OK.

Well, it looks like...

It looks like they've, um...

Oh, I'm sorry. They've... Ooh!

-Arthur?!

-Hey!

-Arthur!

What's going on?! What's happening?!

Hey, idiot man!

Get up, idiot man!

Got you!

-What?!

-ARTHUR LAUGHS

Got all of you! How about that?

You all said I couldn't act!

You said I couldn't even play a dead person!

Well, what do you think now, eh?

I fooled the police, I fooled them at the hospital

and then I fooled you!

-I'll kill you!

-Steady on, Bulent!

You don't want to give yourself a turn!

-Let go!

-Bulent!

-I'll kill him!

-Bulent!

-I'll kill him!

-Bulent!

-I'll kill him!

-DEEP VOICE:

-Leave it!

Oh!

So, you knew what was happening all the time?

Yep. When I saw those policemen, I thought I'd have a bit of fun,

and it just got out of hand.

When they found out I wasn't a real policeman,

I nearly got into trouble, so I blamed it on the knock on the head

and they took me to hospital, and the rest, you know.

Well, whatever I said about your acting, I take it back.

Why is the counter here?

I like it here.

Well, it should be there.

Well, it's not, it's here.

You! You say you are seeing my daughter?

That's right.

Have you ever been arrested for fighting for democracy?

-DEEP VOICE:

-Not yet.

All right, come on. Now you're in London, what would you like to do?

Yes, we're going to take you on a day out.

-What do you fancy?

-I'm busy today.

Busy? With what?

Come on, then, Mahzu!

Arthur, where shall we go first?

-Bookies?

-Good idea!

Maybe John can give us a few tips.

Bulent, I will see you later for dinner.

Oh, and Bulent?

I like the menu.

Good menu.

Oh, Arthur? Arthur? There's just one thing I don't quite understand.

The doctor who said you had ephonemia, how did you get him involved?

-What?

-The doctor who said you had to solve mystery.

First I've heard of it.

-You didn't meet a doctor?

-No.

Oh.

I wonder what happened there?

All right, Detective Inspector...sir.

There's a new case for you to crack.

Very good. Lead on, son.

But I have more patients!

Now, now, Peter, you're not a doctor.

You've just had a nasty bump on the head.