Episode 5 Cradle to Grave

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

# They say time will wait for no man

# They say time is on my side

# I can never make my mind up

# Cos it all goes whizzing by

# From the cradle to the grave

# From the cradle to the grave

# I know I won't be a slave

# I know I won't be a slave

# To the mistakes that I've made

# From the cradle

# And I won't go till I'm ready from the cradle to the grave. #

-So we're calling the band either...

-Thunderkok.

-Spelt K-O-K.

Typhlosion...

No, that's rubbish.

Smallpox. Risk.

Oi, Baker, what's a good name for a band?

Er... Bench Full Of Wankers?

-Where you been?

-Where've I been? Ask me where I've been.

He's just asked you that, Baker!

All right, I'll tell you where I've been. Been in the dark room.

With Miss Blondel.

With the red light on?

-Red light right on.

-And?

-Not going to tell you load of wergins, am I?

You went in the dark room with Miss Blondel.

-With the red light on?

-You never grabbed hold of her.

All right, I never grabbed hold of her.

So what was I doing in there with her, then? Learning how to develop photos?

-So when you think it's had long enough in the developer...

-Mm-hm?

..pop it quickly into the fix.

-Um...

-Yes.

-Whoa!

-OK.

-And now to the water.

That's it, now you hang it up to dry. Well done.

MUSIC: FRENCH 12-BAR POP SONG

Oh, la la!

SHE LAUGHS

Look at your face!

No need to be embarrassed. I'm not.

It's photography, Danny.

Is it even worth giving you the speech about the difference

between smut and art?

Er...

I...I want to do more photography, miss.

What are you doing?

Because I...really like you.

Louise.

-So what have you heard, then?

-Heard?

-Come on.

About me, whatever it is, I'm sure it's just nonsense

but I'd like to hear it.

Well, I, I heard about you and... Mark Stitch.

Wow. Mark.

Yeah. In here.

In here?

Listen, I saw Mark a few times.

But that was after he left school and certainly not in here.

I could never have a relationship with a schoolboy, Danny.

You must know that.

No schoolboys?

No matter how cute they are.

What's she look like, stripped off?

I'm not going to answer that, that's...

-That's just smut.

-Oh, smut!

On your mother's life,

in that dark room - you saw Miss Blondel with nothing on?

Yeah, I did, on my mother's life. I did.

MUSIC: Right Place, Wrong Time by Dr John

Miss Blondel...

Boys? Got something for you.

-What you showing us?

-You know they have readers' wives, all right? Well, this is the new thing.

"One For The Ladies." It's the blokes, right? It's the husbands.

Look at the state of him. Now, look, look.

Does that or does that not look like Eddie Cook to you?

How can you tell with his eyes blacked out like that?

Oh, come on. It's a ringer, innit? 'Ere, Spud.

-What?

-Have a look at that.

Oh, good Gawd, what's that?

What's the matter with you lot?

What you looking at this for? What's...? What's...?

"A pulsing round-up of this week's hottest dongs." Leave off!

Don't show me something like that first thing in the morning.

No. No, look again - who does that look like?

Look like? That IS Eddie Cook.

-LAUGHTER

-I told you!

How can you be so sure? Look, you can't even see his face.

No. But that's his kitchen wallpaper for starters.

And look at that there. See that there, between his legs?

That's the urn with his old man's ashes in it.

Straight up!

I'm always telling him he keeps it too close to the tea caddy.

What's he gone in for that for, the soppy git? What's all that about?

25 quid, it says here.

Then again, speaking of sausages...

Here, Spud. Have you seen someone's wiped your name off the board?

Yeah, there's some bastards around, ain't there?

Put it back up, cos someone's taking the right piss out of you.

Making out you're a quitter.

Spud?

I took it down, and that's the end of it.

And anyone who wants to keep going on about it can say hello to a right-hander.

-What's happened, Spud?

-What did I just say about keeping on?

I'm not keeping on. I'm enquiring.

Fucking hell, Spud.

Here, we could all do with three grand

but we're still hanging onto our jobs.

2,200. That's what I got.

Went up to three the next day. Go on, laugh if you like.

Spud, you need to get up and put your name back on the board.

-You're a docker.

-It's too late. I took the money.

And I've got something else lined up.

But aren't you even regretting it?

Beside the point.

I'm sure Eddie Cook's regretting not redecorating his kitchen.

It looks like we've both been found out today...dunnit?

'Two numbers tonight from Nazareth...'

'I was hopelessly in love with Miss Blondel.

'Oh, I knew what love was all right.

'In my fantasies, I had already been married twice before the age of 12.

'My first fantasy bride was Cilla Black.'

Do you, Cilla "Step Inside Love" Black, from BBC One, take Danny to

be your husband, and be with him all the time, even in the bath and that?

-I really, really do.

-Ah!

# You're my world You're every breath I take... #

'I thought Cilla and I were going to be together forever.'

# I see the stars...#

'But then on holiday, Dad took us to see Anita Harris.'

I'd like to sing next one of my favourite songs.

It's called The Anniversary Waltz.

'And I fell in love again.'

But before I do, I want to find a young man to sing it to.

You there, what's your name?

-Danny.

-Well, Dennis - this one's for you.

# Tell me I may always dance

# The anniversary waltz with you... #

'So Anita Harris became my second fantasy wife.'

Do you, Anita "Anniversary Waltz" Harris, whom so many other people

would love to be marrying, take this man, Dennis Baker...

-Danny!

-Yes - to be your lawfully wedded husband?

-Even in the bath and that.

-Indeed.

-I do.

And do you take Anita "Anniversary Waltz" Harris

-to be your next Cilla Black?

-I do.

-Are you going to be all right, Cilla?

-Oh, yeah.

I'm just about to vanish from his life with an audible pop.

AUDIBLE POP

Life is perfect.

'But Miss Blondel was no fantasy - she was only too real!'

DOG BARKS

Get out of my way, you four-legged ponce.

I'm sure you're going senile.

-I've had a nightmare, Bet... Where's your mother?

-Upstairs.

What you watching?

It's Old Grey Whistle Test but the tracking's all over the place.

Fucking thing's up the spout. It's a monstrosity. Bet!

MUSIC: Silver Dollar Forger by Nazareth

What you got there - dirty picture?

No, it's just Old Grey Whistle Test.

What? Where's your father?

-Upstairs looking for you.

-What's going on here?

-Where you been?

-Where you been?

Don't start, Bet. I've had a bastard morning.

Told the blokes at work, then?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-How did they take it?

How d'you think they took it? They think I'm crackers.

-Why? No different from all the others who took the money.

-I am!

Two weeks ago, I was threatening to throw blokes in the drink just for talking about it.

I'm a turncoat, Bet. I'm a turncoat.

No, you are not. You are doing what you've always done,

-you're putting your family first.

-Am I?

Blimey, Fred, you've always said a job's just a job.

-Now look at you.

-I know but I feel exposed.

-Like I'm walking around without any trousers, like Eddie Cook.

-Eh?

I'll tell you later.

Look. Sod your mates at work.

Your daughter is going to have the wedding she's always wanted

because of what you've done and you should be proud of that.

Blimey, Fred. You ain't had your wits removed.

You can still earn a living.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

You're right. I'm acting like a Mary-Ann.

So things are going to change. So what?

That's what life's all about. Keeps you on your toes.

Life is risk, Bet, it's a gamble.

If you're bold - you get your rewards.

Take a jump in the dark and move on.

Yeah, Dad, I want to leave school.

Balls to that.

You're staying right where you are and that's the end of it.

# Sweet home Alabama... #

-So what did your old man say?

-He said I can do what I want.

He'll back me up all the way.

Why would you want to leave now? No-one leaves at Easter.

Just wait till summer like the rest of us.

Well, I wanna leave now. Got things I want to do.

SOMEONE you want to do.

Yeah, well, I got two birds I can charver any time I like

and they ain't old.

There's only four days till the end of term, Dan.

-Yeah?

-So, in four days, you're not going to be one of us any more?

'Be bold - a jump in the dark.

'that's what Dad had said and he was right.

'Meanwhile, inspired by Mum's pep talk,

'he was already exploring new career opportunities.'

Rag and BO-NEEE-ER!

'His old mate Tony The Totter had agreed to give him a try-out.'

Oi, love. Is this yours? You tossing all this out?

The council said to leave it there till they come and collect it.

Council? That'll lay there for weeks, that.

-I'll take it off your hands.

-What you going to give me for it?

What I'll give you for it - access to my body 24 hours a day.

Hey-hey!

-That's all right, innit?

-Good man, Spud.

MUSIC: Haywire by Squeeze

DANNY: 'Dad wasn't afraid of hard work

'and he didn't care what people thought.'

# I'm thinking about the images stored in my memory bank... #

Walk on.

# I'm lost inside a paradise, my mind goes all blank... #

This is the life!

You were born to it, Spud.

We'll have you out in your own cart in no time.

I think this game is going to suit me right down to the ground.

-Life on the open road!

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, you dirty bastard.

-Ooh!

-Dirty bastard.

Ever thought about doing this in a van?

What you doing?

Bagging it up.

Them big houses in Eltham will pay good money for it.

-Go on.

-Always stop for it.

It's like leaving pound notes lying in the road.

DANNY: 'The family's social standing was a bit more important to Mum.'

-Hello, Bill.

-Miss Elizabeth Taylor, upon my soul!

One so precious should not be left at the mercy of the 199

to Catford Garage - allow me to convey you back to the film set.

Oh, lovely, yeah.

Elizabeth Taylor? I like that!

Oh, I been on me feet all day, packing bleeding Bourbon biscuits.

Well, this is luxurious, Bill.

A reward for honest endeavour, Beatrice.

Speaking of which, I haven't seen Brother Baker for a couple of weeks - is he gainfully employed?

Oh, he's working, yeah.

High Court Judge? Standing for parliament?

I know they're looking for a new James Bond!

He's in, er, commerce.

-Commerce?

-Yeah, you know, buying and selling.

Ah, so he's joined my world.

Something like that, yeah.

Rag-a-bo-oone!

DANNY: 'The old man loved being a totter.'

# Take it easy... #

DANNY: 'But there was one thing he always looked for in a job.

'What he called "scope".'

-Manure?

-You what, love?

-Manure?

-Totter?

-Manure?

-I was here first!

'And it didn't take him long to realise

'that the demand for horse manure in the well-to-do neighbourhoods

'far outstripped his old nag's capacity to supply it.'

For my roses.

-Please!

-Whoa, steady.

'What followed was inevitable.'

# Marta, rambling rose of the wild wood

# Marta... #

Whoa!

# With your fragrance divine... #

-All right, Tony!

-Spud.

Whoa! I've got 14 sheets of corrugated iron on there.

Give us me whack before I go, cos I need it.

-Spud.

-What?

There's been a complaint.

-What?

-For the first time in the history of this yard,

somebody has returned a bag of our horse manure.

Because it was packed out with rubble!

Now I've worked that area of Eltham all my life.

And now you've ruined it on us. They don't want us back there.

I was just trying to spin it out a bit further, Tony.

He only goes once a day.

It's shit, Spud.

How can you try and swindle people out of shit?

HORSE NEIGHS

One for the road?

MUSIC: Fool For a Cigarette by Ry Cooder

It's your fault.

# Mmm, I'm a fool for a cigarette

# Lord, I'm a fool for a cigarette... #

It don't make no sense.

How can you be fired from being a rag-and-bone man?

-You didn't like me doing it anyway!

-No, I didn't.

It's bleeding embarrassing. I been telling people all sorts.

But why has everything got to be a racket?

I'm surprised you didn't sell the horse.

Can I remind you why I was doin' it in the first place?

What about Sharon, the wedding she wanted? What about being proud?

Fred! You were never going to pay for it with what came out of an horse's arse, were you?

And this is just what you are like.

Everything has got to be bent.

-Well, what d'you want me to be - a copper?

-That wouldn't be a bad idea.

You're losing your self-control.

And you are losin' your self-respect.

Don't you look at me like that.

-I'd take a tenner for you right now.

-DOG WHINES

I've only ever seen Yvonne cry once, at the end of Butch Cassidy.

You've been going out with her ages. What you going to say to her?

Well, it's not easy to break a girl's heart, Tom,

but I think, in the long run, she'll see I'm actually just being kind.

-Have you got a plan?

-I'm going to go round, see if she fancies going up the Wimpy,

and have one last great night together before I tell her.

She'll be upset but Yvonne's just a girl.

I need a woman now, I'm not...

-Danny!

-Hello, darling.

Don't "darling" me. So you're going out with this school teacher, then?

-Where d'you hear that?

-Only from about 100 people cos

you've been telling everyone you're having it off with her.

-I haven't.

-You have. It's what you told everyone about me.

Just make sure you remember to take your school cap off

-while you're doing it.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Tommy, you know about this, don't ya?

-About what?

Go away. You're useless, you are. Anyway - I'm finishing with you.

Tony Gooch asked me out. He's from the co-op. I really fancy him. So...

Tony Gooch. I don't know him.

You don't have to, do you, darling?

D'you want to go up the Wimpy?

No. No, I don't.

And I don't want you to talk to me or even look at me ever again,

do you understand? Good! See you, then!

She's brilliant, ain't she?

Mind if I go out with her?

Fuck off, Tom!

'Unemployed again, Dad was missing the old gang.'

-That's all she was bothered about.

-Hey, we miss ya, Spud, straight we do.

Did I ever tell you the totter's story? Listen to this.

'Ere, we've got to get back. It's quarter to three.

No, it'll only take a minute. It'll only take a minute.

Save it, Spud, save it. We'll be back at six. See ya later.

-Ta-ra.

-Tell you what, Spud. You've got nothing else to do -

you might as well have a kip in here.

-HEADMASTER:

-'Another year behind us...'

'As for me, I was still wrestling with myself.

'Should I stay or should I go?'

..so a big thank you to Mr Glover and the football team.

APPLAUSE

Sorry we couldn't organise the open-top bus, Mr Glover.

ONE PERSON LAUGHS

But now before Jeremy Langford reads us his specially written poem

"The Term of My Life"...

WANKER!

Oh, poem!

Fine, settle, settle down, please!

I would ask any remaining boys who will be leaving us this week

to come forward and place their release forms,

which must be signed by their parents, on the desk here.

# When I

# Hold my hand out...

# I saw... #

Oh!

Oh, you frightened the life out of me - I thought you was a ghost.

Yeah. I think I am!

Murder, innit, Spud? Being out.

Worst day's work I've ever done in my life.

What was I thinking?

Fancy a pint?

Nah, I can't - I got too much to do preparing for tomorrow morning.

Not you and all.

You'll sort something out, Spud.

I'm struggling. Straight up, I'm struggling.

-And the real...

-Oh, bloody hell.

All right, old type, what you lot doing hiding in here?

Here, Wally, who have you come as?

I'm the killer gorilla in a Perspex hat - who says so?

I say so, and that's that.

What, you doorman down the Regal now?

No, the Royal Division Of Commissionaires, Spud.

The official custodian for the magnificent new executive

establishment now standing on the site formerly known as

the old Tobacco Dock.

You used to work at Tobacco Dock.

Still do, Spud. Still do, but now it's known as Ottawa House,

headquarters of the Royal Bank of Canada.

And my job is to keep out riff-raff like you.

Now that's a turncoat.

I'm only playing - what's the matter with you?

All the lads are at it - all the chaps are down here.

You've got Geoff Kelly. Danny Marney.

Keefy Pace - I mean, half the West India Dock have joined the RDC now.

-So, what do you do?

-Well, we're 50% security, 50% messenger boy,

and 50% right at it.

Now, Alfie, I've got six gross of skinless chipolatas,

generously if unwittingly donated by my esteemed employers.

Lovely, I'll sort you out later down the pub.

What, there's scope?

Scope, Spud? Scope?

It's like the wild fucking west, my old son.

Next best thing to the docks, this is.

Yeah, how d'you get in the swim?

All you need is a clean Army record.

Well, that's me out of it.

Spent all my National Service on the run.

Spud.

Let me put it another way, my old son.

All you need is to get hold of a clean Army record.

I've got a good Army record - Vera Lynn, White Cliffs Of Dover.

Not now, Alfie. Not now.

-Not now, Alf.

-What if I could get hold of one, then?

Well, then, I would propose you, one of the chaps would second you,

I'll take you down to get measured up for the old, er, uniform.

I think that could be arranged, Woody. I think that could be arranged.

Well, in that case, Fredrick, my old China,

welcome to the RDC, sire.

-Hey, hey!

-Hey, hey!

# We are the soldiers of the Queen, my lads

# Who've been, my lads, and seen, my lads

# We'll fight for England's glory

# And we'll show them what we mean. #

-Whoa-ho!

-Where you going, Spud?

To war, Alfie. To war!

And so, fellow pupils As we race to finish

We are strengthened by knowing we were schooled

In fair West Greenwich.

Oh, fair...!

ALL: Boo!

CLAPPING PETERS OUT

Thank you. Thank you, Jeremy.

Well, I'm, I'm sure that has all of you asking -

-just what will the next year bring?

-I'm not.

LAUGHTER

Yes, right, settle.

MUSIC: Won't Get Fooled Again by The Who

Right, so members of staff will also be leaving us at term's end,

eight of them all told and I'm sure we all wish them well

with the various professions that they've chosen.

And for many of you, there will be challenges...

Baker, where you goin'?

..to meet, new mountains...

-Baker, will you sit down? I haven't finished yet.

-I have.

ALL: Ooh!

Right, Baker. Baker? Baker, come back here!

-You are still a pupil at this school.

-No, I'm not.

APPLAUSE

All, right, quiet. Quiet! No, quiet. Sit...no! Quiet!

-Come on, lads!

-Quiet!

Quiet, please.

'This was great. I felt liberated.

'Then it occurred to me - what was I going to tell him indoors?'

Shit!

'My solution was simple - I wouldn't tell them anything.'

See you.

-Oh, hold on. Nearly forgot.

-What?

It's Friday. You've got woodwork. Nearly forgot your apron.

-Of course.

-Forget your head if it weren't screwed on.

Yeah. Bye.

'Today at last, I was going to show Miss Blondel

'I was not a little schoolboy any more.

'But before I could see her in class, I first had to go to church.'

FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL GROOVE

Baker, where's your uniform?

-I...left. Remember?

-Oh, yes. What are you doing here?

I've come back again, you know - stay in touch, Ronald.

Seems to me a lot of you boys leave one day

and return the next just for the simple thrill

of calling my staff and I by our Christian name - am I right?

No...

Ronald.

On your way, Baker.

You can call me Danny!

FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL GROOVE CONTINUES

Where's Louise?

Who?

-Miss Blondel.

-In the dark room.

Oh. Hi, er...Miss Blondel.

Hello, Danny.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

So - is there anything you want?

Er, yeah.

I was just wondering, er...

HE LOWERS HIS VOICE ..what you were doing at lunchtime?

Having my lunch, I expect.

Er, yeah. Yeah. Of course.

Now if you don't mind, I do have a class to take, Danny.

Merci.

Oh, very nice, Louis.

You need some green, right?

You do know I have left school now?

Yes. I know.

Let me see, because this green is a bit...this colour is a bit fading.

Do you want to use the yellow? Yeah? OK.

MUSIC: All The Young Dudes by Mott The Hoople

# All the young dudes... #

'What had I done?'

# Boogaloo dudes carry the news... #

-Hello, Baker.

-Hello, Neil.

# They say time will wait for no man

# They say time is on my side

# I can never make my mind up

# As it all goes whizzing by from the cradle to the grave

# From the cradle to the grave

# I know I won't be a slave

# I know I won't be a slave

# To the mistakes that I've made... #