Episode 6 Cradle to Grave

This programme contains strong language.

MUSIC: Pinball by Brian Protheroe

LAUGHTER BEHIND WALL

Oi! Shut your row up, this time of night!

Where are you?

I don't know...

-Who was you shouting at?

-Load of yobbos, out the back.

Keeping your cap on?

You what?

Oh, God.

There you go.

What you doing out there, anyway?

I thought I heard someone throwing a wallet over the back wall.

So...

are we going to sleep, or what?

217 invites we sent out for this wedding.

How many do you reckon came back "yes"?

Did you hear what I said?

Oh, Fred, I'm busy.

God... I might as well put me cap back on.

216 - out of 217.

So, that's all your severance pay from the dock gone.

Oh, well. That's what it's there for.

What we going to do after the wedding?

What are we going to do for money then?

Who's the one that ain't coming?

Oh, it's all right, it's one of mine -

Keith Stepney, driver from work.

Do I know him?

Wife left him for the boxer.

Oh, him - that long ponce.

His wife might have left him, but his wallet never has.

Spent a night with him in the pub - he never bought one.

-Oh, Fred. He's a lovely bloke.

-Phew! Is he?

Is that why his missus is doing 15 rounds with another geezer?

His Sandra's getting married the same day as Sharon.

Well, good luck to anyone going to that -

they'll probably toast the bride with tap water.

-DOOR SHUTS DOWNSTAIRS

-That's Michael home.

Well, at least tap water goes round.

We'll have the best of everything, girl. Don't you worry about that.

Your husband is in the Royal Division Of Commissionaires.

We live to serve.

# We are the soldiers of the Queen, my lad... #

Oh, stop singing that, stop it!

You ain't in them yet.

And you won't be neither,

unless you can get hold of somebody else's bleeding war record.

I've got that under control. It's as good as in me hand.

Yeah? Well, I've got a good idea

what you've got in your hand right now -

and I don't trust that, neither.

-Now, that has seen some action!

-LAUGHTER

-Whoa!

-Fred!

-Down from under, set hanging!

-FRED LAUGHS

'In common with all council house lighting of the 1970s,

'it was like a night game at Wembley Stadium in my bedroom.

'And my brother Michael saw it as his duty to wake me up

-'when he came in from the pub.'

-Danny?

Psst!

DANNY GROANS

I got a little present for you.

I bought you a bowl of winkles.

And here's a pin, to get them out with.

-What the f... Oh, shit!

-Five...four...three...two...

-Let me out! You've gone mad!

-three... two...

One!

-What the bleeding hell's going on?

-He's got a bomb!

-A bomb?

-It ain't a bomb.

Oh! Oh, my good God...

-Have you been out with Peter Tulloch?

-Yeah. How did you know?

Peter found it by the railway line -

they've been frightening everyone down the Red Cow with it.

-You took a hand grenade into a pub?

-It's a dud -

-and it ain't mine, anyway.

-How do you know it's a bleeding dud?

Cos we pulled the pin out, threw it and nothing happened.

Peter reckons it come off a film set or something.

-Well, give it back to him, just get rid of it.

-What's going on in here?

I could have been fast a-kip out there.

It weren't your lot making all that noise round the back, was it?

Oh, that? That was Nitty Knight - lobbed his wallet over the wall.

What did I tell you? Nothing else sounds like it.

-He's brought home a hand grenade!

-He's what? Well, you -

don't be bringing home no hand grenades!

And you - stop being a grass!

And settle down. He's got school in the morning.

'Ah, yes. School.

'I still hadn't quite got round to telling Mum and Dad I'd left.'

Don't forget your alarm clock.

'In order to join the Royal Division Of Commissionaires,

'Dad needed to be able to produce a good war record.

'Unfortunately, his own was mostly stamped with the initials "A-W-O-L".'

Hello, Jean? Apple tart.

No? All right. Apple pie?

No? Apples and pears?

Look, Jean - it's Spud.

What is the poxy password?

Toffee apple? Right. Toffee apple, then.

I'm coming round.

'He'd heard that the brother of a small-time local villain

'called Shaky Young had recently died, and he sensed an opening.'

Who is it?

Fuck's sake, Jean - I just put the phone down to you.

Come in, Freddie.

'Shaky was officially on the run, after escaping from the nick.

'Everybody - everybody knew where he was hiding out.

'But nobody was allowed to tell him that.'

-Is he in?

-What do you think?

He's been up there 14 months now, Fred -

he only had three left on his sentence.

THREE BUZZES

What's that?

-TWO BUZZES

-He has to have his routine.

Good job I'm his sister. No wife would stand for it.

-THREE BUZZES

-That's ridiculous.

You coming down?

Fuck off.

Go on.

What, you...?

I don't believe this.

You all right?

-Help me, help me!

-Come on...

Shaky, meet me halfway!

You want to try doing it with a plate of food in your hand!

MUSIC: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John

# When are you going to come down?

# When are you going to land?

# I should have stayed on the farm

# Should have listened to my old man. #

How did you find me?

-You what?

-Who gave me up? Was it Bill Drake?

-What?

-Jimmy Martin? Eric Hannon?

-No.

-Micky Benacki?

Gary Wiltshire?

Frankie Wilkinson?

Terry Butt?

Bertie Burkett?

Fucking hell, Shaky. Who don't know you're up here?

It's a select band, Spud. Only those who need to know.

-Come on, who was it?

-No-one told me!

Spud, I need a name, or you can go home right now.

-Was it Freddie Jones?

-No, it was...

-..Teddy Williams.

-Teddy Williams!

That grass! I knew it.

That no-good, bean-spilling bast...

Hang on, who's Teddy Williams?

I don't know, I just made the name up.

It don't matter, Shaky, honest. Your secret's safe with me.

I just come up here to talk to you about something.

You tell that Teddy Williams I don't like grasses.

I may be stuck up here, but my reach is long.

I just came to say I'm sorry to hear about your Billy passing away.

Billy...

Broke my heart.

We was close, up until our twenties,

and then all of a sudden, he's gone straight.

Got a job on the cards - moved to a big house in Cockfosters.

None of us could understand what went wrong.

Yeah, well... That's what money does to some people, Shake.

-CLANG, SPLASH

-Oh, for fuck's sake. What's that?

-That's me wash bucket.

-Oh, right. Thank God for that.

Where's the...other one?

It's up there.

What's it doing up there?

I kept kicking it over - and Jeanie sleeps underneath.

-How can you live like this?

-Like what?

Stuck up here in the pitch-black, 14 months?

Can't go nowhere, can't see no-one, do anything?

Banging your head on a bucket of shit every ten minutes?

Spud, I value my freedom.

So, will you be going to Billy's funeral?

No, I can't risk it.

It was my birthday last week, I never even come down for that.

Your birthday? It's the same as mine, February.

-Eh? Where are we now, then?

-June!

March, April, May, June...

Oh, right. It's a leap year.

Well, it's going to be hard then,

putting Billy in the ground without me being there. But what can I do?

There's reward money out for me, Spud - did you know that?

You tell that Teddy Williams - if anything happens to me,

I know who to come looking for.

Look, if you could go to Billy's funeral, would you go?

-Oh, I'd give anything to go. Anything.

-Yeah?

Well, there might be something we can do here, Shaky.

Your Billy - he fought in Aden, didn't he?

Yeah. He's got medals and everything.

He was mentioned in dispatches twice.

'It had been a week since I'd left school

'to start a hot romance with my teacher -

'the amazing Miss Blondel -

'but she'd made no attempt to contact me.

'It was as if I'd imagined the whole thing.'

Now, this is a photo.

"Young man at a crossroads".

CAMERA CLICKS

Still interested in photography, Danny?

Oh, yes, miss.

I was just walking about, taking some shots.

That was awkward, last week.

What?

You turning up at school and asking me to lunch in front of my class.

I didn't mean nothing by it.

I told you before, Danny - school is out of bounds.

Out here, of course, things are different.

Oh, are they, miss?

Yes. For a start I'm not "miss".

I'm Louise, OK?

-Hey, Danny.

-Hello, Louise.

-How do you do?

Yeah, good.

Your parents don't know you have left school, do they?

Yeah.

No.

Did you come into school especially to see me?

No.

Yeah.

Well, now that you're your own man...

What are you doing on Saturday?

Saturday? Er... Nothing.

Why don't you come over?

We can look through some of my photo albums.

Stay over, if you like.

-Stay over, where?

-My place.

Mark used to.

Oh... Yeah, yeah.

Yeah... Er, that would be...

I'll take that as a "yes". See you there.

MUSIC: And You And I by Yes

-TV:

-'I've got three rather interesting items to show you

'from the stolen goods list this week,

'starting off with the break-in in Bethnal Green three weeks ago...'

-Dad, there's someone here to see you.

-Yeah?

-It's a policeman.

-All right, Kenny son?

-All right, Spud?

-She was panicking, then.

FRED CHUCKLES

Sit down, I just want to see what he's saying here.

-Do you watch this?

-Yeah.

'So if anyone offers you cheap bottles of Chanel perfume

'in the Croydon area, do please get in touch...'

Do you know anything about that? Croydon?

No, it's news to me.

We've just had some of that "Taboo" come in -

you know, the old "Parfum De Toilet".

Oh, yeah? That's a bit of a drop-off from Chanel, innit?

How about this? 10,000 Embassy Tipped -

he was talking about those earlier, in Romford.

Yeah, it does ring a bell.

I'll have to have a little look in the old incident book.

Well, keep them peeled, eh?

-'If you saw anything...'

-You get some good tips off this programme.

I shouldn't really drink on duty, but, er... I do.

-So, what did you want, Spud?

-I need a favour, Kenny.

Shaky Young - your lot still after him?

Nah - we're happy with him up in his sister's loft.

-What? So you know where he is, then?

-Blimey, Spud. Who don't?

He's out of harm's way up there - and what with Jeanie doing his meals,

he's saving the nation 40 quid a week, eh?

-FRED LAUGHS

-Yeah, I suppose.

What if he was to turn up at his brother's funeral?

What do you mean?

Well, if he was to come down from the loft, go to the funeral,

go straight back up afterwards - would you be all right with that?

Yeah, if there was a drink in it.

I'll sort you out, Ken. Always do, don't I?

'A consignment of Teacher's Whisky

'that never made it to its destination in Plumstead...'

There you are. You like Scotch, don't you?

MUSIC: Could It Be I'm Falling In Love by The Spinners

You pushing in again?

What you going to do about it? SHE GIGGLES

Here, sorry I can't come to Sharon's wedding.

Oh, well. You've got a good enough excuse -

can't be helped your Sandra's getting married the same day.

-That's fate, mate.

-So, you forgive me?

You can have the last bit of gammon.

Go on, then. You're forgiven.

How's all the arrangements going?

Yeah, fine, Keith. 216 coming.

-Just got to find the money to pay for it, now.

-We got 46.

Sounds like I come off light.

-That include Marion?

-No.

No, she still don't want nothing to do with me and Sandra.

-Oh.

-Oh, it's all right.

Sometimes, I wish I had someone there for all the feminine stuff.

You know, them centrepiece thingies for the tables,

place settings and that -

I try me best, but what do blokes know about cake ribbons?

Oh, that's the fun part, Keith. I love all that sort of stuff.

I'll give you a hand with it, if you want.

-Are you being serious?

-Yeah, yeah, if it'd help you out.

Oi, don't you go getting me fat!

MUSIC: Layla by Derek And The Dominoes

Oh, hi.

Come in.

MUSIC: Solid Air by John Martyn

Oh, yeah. This is great.

Thank you. Sit down - I've done us some lunch.

Dinner!

'I'd landed on another planet -

'as far away from Pyrex and Formica as I could possibly get.

'It felt a bit intimidating,

'but I was determined to show this was absolutely my scene.'

Oh, is that OK for you there?

Oh, yes. I'm not shocked.

By what?

I've had marijuana before.

-'I hadn't.'

-Marijuana? Is that what it is?

Yeah - dope, you know? Junk.

It's a joss stick. It's an air freshener.

It's... It's not in a tin?

-Your plate.

-Thanks.

-Et voila.

-Thanks a lot.

'Well, I'd never seen an arrangement like this in my life.'

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Mmm.

'I thought the bread and cheese was fine -

'I could make that into a sandwich...

'..but what was the apple doing there?'

Are you not having any apple?

Oh... I didn't see that there.

Pissing hell, Jean - how much longer?

Took him half an hour

to get down the first three rungs of the ladder this morning.

-Your problem is, you let him have...

-Go! Go! Go! Go!

"Go-go-go"? We've been standing here 20 minutes.

MUSIC: Wonderful World, Beautiful People by Jimmy Cliff

Go! Go!

Go! Go!

What's the best way from here, Freddie?

Er... Well, I'd go up Stitchbury Lane,

-turn right at the Grapes on the corner.

-Go! Go!

The Grapes? Which one's that?

You know, the Grapes - Sid Harris used to have it.

Used to be the Horn of Plenty? His wife left him for a Turk.

Go, go!

-He's in Marbella, now.

-Shut up...

No, he went over there.

-Opened a place about two years ago...

-Go!

MUSIC: Everything by Squeeze

I can't see any Old Bill, Spud.

No, that's cos I've thrown them off the scent.

He's told them I'm in Argentina.

They've got half the Met out,

covering all the airports, waiting for me to fly in -

and I'm here all along! Genius.

What's this Teddy Williams look like?

I guarantee he won't be here.

I like it, Spud. Wide open space, plenty of people...

A funeral, the perfect cover.

It is a funeral. They're putting your brother down the hole.

Perfect.

Argentina?

Don't knock it.

He goes to the funeral, I get Billy's war record -

we all go home happy.

All right, Spud?

All right, Kenny. Come to pay your respects?

Nah, come to pick up my Scotch.

It's in the boot of the car.

Let's get this done first, eh?

All right. Remember, when all this is over,

I want him straight back up in that attic. Right?

-Don't worry, he's a good boy.

-..In Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

-All right, mate?

-Yeah.

Hello, Shaky.

Hello, Shaky.

-Coo-ee, Shaky!

-- Hello, Shaky.

-- How you doing, Shaky?

I think they think you're Shaky.

Yeah...

Bloody hell, Barb's here!

-Who?

-Barbara. My little Barb...

-EVERYONE:

-All right, Shaky? Hello, Shaky.

-Hello, Shaky.

-It's me - Shaky!

Well, I didn't think it was Billy. How are you, sexy?

-All right. What are you doing here?

-I wanted to see you again, didn't I?

It's been a long time, Shaky.

And I'm a single woman again now - got divorced last year.

Finally.

But how did you know I'd be here?

-Everyone knew you was going to be here.

-What do you mean, "everyone"?

Well, I went to the Red Cow and they was all talking about it.

And then, I went from there to the Lilliput and they was all talking about it.

And then, I went up the Southwark Park Tavern and cos they was all talking about it,

-I thought I might as well come and see you.

-But everyone thinks I'm in Argentina...

-Argentina?

You ain't gone round the twist, up in Jeanie's loft, have you?

-What? You know about the loft?

-Everyone knows about the loft.

I mean, what is it - 14 months, now?

I was beginning to wonder if you was ever coming down.

-Oh, for fuck's sake!

-ALL GROAN

So, you all know where I've been?

-ALL MURMUR:

-Yeah, course we do.

This is choice.

Go on, have a right good fucking laugh, everyone.

It's only been 14 months of my life.

Have a right good giggle.

Why didn't you tell me, Spud?

I tried, Shaky. I tried!

Shaky on the run? Big laugh!

You think I can't go on the run?

Watch this!

I'm Shaky Young! I'm Shaky Young!

-I'm Shaky Young!

-Steady on!

-DOG BARKS

-I'm Shaky Young!

-You'd better go and get him, Spud.

-Oh...

Where's he going?

-Shaky? Come back here!

-No!

MUSIC: Feelin' Alright by Joe Cocker

MUSIC: Time Has Told Me by Nick Drake

RECORD ENDS

MUSIC: Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens

Can you get me another glass, angel?

'I'd always been reasonably confident with girls.

'But this wasn't a girl.'

-Danny Baker, are you trying to get me drunk?

-No.

'This was a woman -

'an experienced, proper, grown-up woman...'

SHE SIGHS

-Cat Stevens is so great, isn't he?

-Yeah, he's terrific!

'..a woman who, at some point in the evening, had taken her drawers off.'

-BOOM

-What was that?

FIRE CRACKLES

'Right, remember my brother's hand grenade?

'Well, earlier that week, he did give it back, like Mum had asked,

'to his mate, Peter Tulloch.'

Come on, you. Up you get..

What's that?

Oh, it's all right, it's a dud.

-I don't give a monkey's. I don't want in the house.

-Mum, I've just told you...

Bleeding bomb in the house - what's it coming to, eh?

'Now, apparently,

'compost undergoes a chemical reaction as it starts to rot.

'It can actually get quite hot.

'So, if you drop it on top of a hand grenade

'that everyone thinks is a dud, but actually isn't,

'well, after a couple of days...'

BOOM

What the bastard hell was that?

Spud! We're under attack!

Shaky! I've been looking for you all night - where you been?

Sorry, mate. It all got on top of me.

I suppose I just cracked up...

-It's aliens!

-Aliens?

-That's number 52.

-VOICES SHOUT FROM WINDOWS

That's the Tullochs'...

Seems to be from over your way.

Yeah, yeah, it does.

Listen, I'm going to go.

Yes...maybe you should.

'It's possible the whole thing

'had been a big game of bluff on her part.

'But as I retreated, tail between my legs,

'I realised that where sex education was concerned,

'it was back to school for me.'

I kept on knocking, but there's nobody in.

Don't know where Bet is. She should have been well home by now.

I've made a right idiot of myself, ain't I, Spud?

Nah, nah. No more than Benny Warriss.

Did you hear about that?

Jumped over the wall at Parkhurst, straight into an open sewer.

They stuck him in solitary, just cos of the smell.

DOG BARKS

-Hello!

-Oh, she's here now.

Oh, hello, Shaky - shouldn't you be back up in your penthouse?

Well, you can have too much of a good thing, Bet.

Where have you been?

-I told you - I was on lates.

-You said you were on earlies.

No, lates. I said lates.

But you went out early this morning.

Yeah, well, I had to go and get me hair done -

but they couldn't fit me in, so...

Anyway, I'm knackered. I'm going to go straight up.

-Night, Shaky.

-Night, Bet.

-See you in a bit.

-All right if I kip on your settee, Spud?

-Yeah.

I'll turn meself in in the morning...

-WALLET PLOPS

-Shaky? Dropped your wallet.

Oh, cheers, Spud.

Here, I've had an idea.

Instead of you turning yourself in tomorrow,

what if I was to do it?

Eh?

MUSIC: I Feel Free by Cream

-Hello, Spud! Come and sit here.

-Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm just going, you can have him all to yourself.

-Bye, darling. See you next week.

-See you later, darling.

-See you, Barbara.

-Yeah, bye, darling.

-Mind how you go.

So, have you settled in?

I'm struggling to get used to all this open space, Spud.

Have to get yourself a dog - take it for walks round E Wing.

Did you collect the reward money yet?

Yeah, picked it up this morning.

-They were fucking furious!

-LAUGHTER

Nothing they can do, though - I was the one that brought you in.

Two and a half grand round to Jeanie's -

-I kept a monkey for meself, right?

-And you're happy with that?

I was happy with the war record. Thanks very much for that, by the way.

So, you and Barbara, you're... you're back on, are you?

-Oh, she's an angel.

-That's nice.

What you got - three months left, is it?

-Three days.

-What do you mean, "three days"?

I'm having it on me toes again.

-What?

-Well, this reward money stroke.

If it works once, it can work again and again.

But you can't go back up Jeanie's attic!

Never you mind about Jeanie's attic.

Barbara - she's got a cellar!