Episode 7 Cradle to Grave

# They say time will wait for no man

# They say time is on my side

# I can never make my mind up

# As it all goes whizzing by

# From the cradle to the grave

-# From the cradle to the grave

-I know I won't be a slave

-# I know I won't be a slave

-To the mistakes that I made

-# From the cradle

-I won't go till I'm ready

# From the cradle to the grave. #

After 20 years in the docks,

it was time for a fresh start for my old man.

# We're the soldiers of the Queen, my lads

# Who've been, my lads Who've seen, my lads... #

He was going to join The Royal Division of Commissionaires.

# In the fight for England's glory, lads

# When we've had to show them what we mean

# And when we say we've always won... #

Oh, I do love a man in uniform.

My Wally was, first time I met him.

Yeah, Fred was as well, as it happens.

What, fighting Hitler?

No, he was on the run from the military police.

THEY LAUGH

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Squad, halt!

Stand at ease!

Stand easy.

-Present arms!

-LAUGHTER

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains adult humour

Quick march! Up, left, left, left, left.

Does the City of London know what it's letting itself in for

with our lads? Blimey!

Come on, drink up, everyone!

It's going to last all week, this leavin' do.

CHEERING Leave somethin' for my wedding, Dad!

You know what your father's like - does nothin' by halves.

But amidst all the skimmish

and skirmish, there was one person who wasn't having a good time. Me.

Having made a complete lake of myself over the fabulous

Miss Blondel, I had allowed the true object of my desire to drift away.

Yvonne Speedie.

In her own deluded way, she had decided that Tony Gooche,

an apprentice butcher from the co-op,

was more of a catch than me - an unemployed drop out

pretending to his parents he was still at school.

Dan, this is Tina and Wendy. They want to ask you something.

I know you're going to think we're mad, right,

but we met him down the market and he said that your brother...

is David Essex. He's not, is he?

All the girls fancied David Essex and it had been mentioned

by a couple of my mates that I did look a bit like him.

# Jimmy Dean. #

-My brother?

-Yeah, cos nobody likes him more than we do.

I'd marry him in, like, ten minutes.

Yeah, but I'd kill you on your wedding day.

-THEY LAUGH

-Hey! So is he?

No. I promise, he definitely, definitely ain't.

Oh, my God, he is! He is!

Eh? How d'you figure that out?

Well, if you'd have said yeah, then we'd have known he weren't.

So if this is a party for your dad,

David Essex must be comin' too, yeah?

David Essex is not my brother.

-BOTH:

-Oh, my God, he's coming! He's coming!

Just sit down.

At that precise moment, nobody knew where my actual brother,

Michael, was.

Worse still, neither did he,

having decided that tonight was going to be

the first in the Baker family to try LSD.

DRONING MUSIC

-Lackey. That's you now.

-No.

Hey, you're going to be a right toady,

you'll have to be, Spuddy boy.

Them city blokes'll shout

-and you'll have to jump about all over the place.

-Will they?

Give it a couple of weeks, we'll see who's working for who.

Everything goes through me, don't it?

-PHONE RINGS

-All the people in and out,

all the parcels, all the mail.

There's plenty room for scope, don't you worry about that.

Spud! It's your boy on the phone.

Danny! Go and tell your bleeding brother to get down here! Go!

Let us talk to him after you!

-Hello.

-'Danny?'

Hey, I'm in this fantastic place, mate. But it's too big.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to find me way out.

What shall I tell Dad?

Tell him...

It's all too beautiful!

'Wow. You should see this.

-'Wow, it's like a moving space...'

-Yeah, all right, David.

If you're stuck in a recording studio,

there's nothing I can do, is there?

OK, there's some people dyin' to meet you.

THEY GIGGLE OK, bye, David.

-DISTORTED:

-Come on, hurry up.

I've got a call to make. What you doing in there?

He's just a bit busy to make it down here tonight.

But, erm, now that you know, can you keep it to yourself, do me

a favour? You know, my mum and dad are just fed up with it all.

-Oh, I won't breathe a word.

-Brilliant.

I promise. I haven't anyone to tell.

How about if I was his cousin?

Yeah, but you're not, are ya?

MUSIC: When The Levee Breaks by Led Zeppelin

And so began one of the more extraordinary episodes of my life.

One I'm ashamed to say I exploited to the full.

MUSIC: Rock On by David Essex

Over in the City...

Dad was facing his first day on the straight and narrow.

Do they work this hard all the time?

-Yes.

-What for?

To keep the company's profits at a maximum!

What for?

Good morning, sir.

This is our new man on the front desk, Lance Corporal William Young.

Mr Carter, this is... Fred.

Or Spud, don't matter to me.

I thought you said his name was William?

Never mind all that - what do you do?

Mr Carter is the office manager.

The youngest in the company's history.

You report to me.

Oh, yeah?

I read in your military record that you served in Aden?

Mentioned in dispatches twice.

What do you remember about Aden from your time there?

-I don't remember a lot about it. I got blown up.

-Blown up?

Yeah, right up in the air.

Because my sister lives in Aden.

Well, I don't think she had anything to do with it.

I'm sorry to monopolise you again, Bet. You seem to be spending

more time on my Sandra's wedding than your Sharon's.

Don't be so daft.

I'll miss our little meetings when this is all over - it's not the same

having to share you with everyone else in the canteen at work.

What's this?

My secret vice - night fishing.

Since Marion left, it's given me something to do of an evening.

You'd love it. Clear night, total silence, moonlight on the lake

and the chance of an eight-pound carp.

Huh. Well, I'll have to take your word for that.

I'll be two minutes.

Our local fishing tackle shop was run by a bloke called Orrie.

He was a lovely fella, a real character who, unfortunately,

suffered from...an affliction.

Hello, Keith, what can I get you?

-Pint of maggots, Orrie.

-Righto.

Now Dad hated fishing.

But his mate Wally Shaw was obsessed with it.

Going to need some good 'uns tomorrow.

Competition down in Tankerton.

Oh, the all-nighter? Lovely. Your missus must be understanding.

I don't have a missus.

You can have mine if you want.

Now then, er, split shot, floats, bag of hooks, pint of maggots...

That'll be £2.10 and... FWAAAYYYY!

MUSIC: Fire On The Bayou by The Meters

And before you go off tellin' everyone,

that's the first big one I've done since January.

Right. Back to the fascinating world of seating plans.

-What's that?!

-It's all right.

What's that? What's that? What's that? Oh, my good God!

-That's disgusting!

-It's all right.

Hang on... No, you're all right, hang on!

SHE SCREAMS AND SOBS

You know, as soon as you tell people you are definitely, positively

not David Essex's brother, it's funny how quickly word gets around.

Excuse me. Can you give these to David Essex?

This is for him, and can he read this and sign this?

I'm his cousin, you know.

Yeah, you know I'm not actually his brother?

-GIGGLING

-He is, he is!

I mean... I mean, I'm definitely not his cousin.

Oh, behave!

-Two strawberry milkshakes?

-Yeah.

'The attention was nice, but it was really just a bit of a game.

'Until I met Heather.'

Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing.

I mean, I know you really look like him,

but are you David Essex's brother?

Me?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

Wow.

MUSIC: Gonna Make You A Star by David Essex

Dad had promised Mum he'd make a go of his new job and -

to his credit - he'd managed to make it to lunchtime on day one.

Opens this door and there was this cabinet full of brandy,

scotch, vodka, she says, "One of your duties is to make

"sure that these boardroom decanters are always topped up."

And I thought, "Never mind the decanters, mate,

"I'll keep myself nice and topped up, thank you very much."

-LAUGHTER

-I did.

I dunno, Spud. You gotta be careful, mate.

-It's a different game here.

-He's right, Spud, it's a different game.

Nah, nah, nah - it's the same game, mate,

different turf, that's all. Same again?

Oh, er, I better bet getting back.

What the... Why?

I don't wanna be late first day, do I?

What's the matter with him?

Oh, sorry, mate.

He was always like that down the docks.

Whenever there was a strike,

that ponce was always the first to vote to go back.

No, nah, not you an all, Dickie?

It's my Mavis, Spud. I promised her.

I mean, what would Bet say if you buggered this up first day?

My Bet would rather I be me own man than cow-towed.

Mind how you go, Spud.

Come on, ladies, up you come,

otherwise you'll be like the bloke who missed the bus. Jobs on!

Can you hear me?

I'm saying, which are the King Edwards

and which are the Maris Piper?

My actual brother was still enthusiastically -

if recklessly - continuing his exploration of inner space.

The Navajo. They gave us potatoes.

I don't care if you got 'em from bleedin' Geronimo,

I want three pound of Maris Pipers.

DISTORTED MUSIC POTATO THUDS

What on earth are you doing?

Micky! What...?

Oh, no.

I've only gone and turned into a bloody snail, ain't I?

I'd asked Heather out to see David Essex's latest film.

And I'd had a brain wave about the tickets.

# Hold me close, don't let me go

# Oh, no. #

Where have you been?

Me dinner.

Dinner? You mean lunch.

-No, I mean me dinner.

-So what do you have in the evenings?

-Tea.

-Tea? So what do you drink?

That's very nice of you, I'll have a large brandy.

HE CHUCKLES

I'm not happy with your attitude, Young.

I've had underwriters on the phone still waiting for their

12.00 mail, people walking around without the proper permits.

No paper towels in the gents' toilet.

You ought to take a leaf out of your predecessor's book.

When I gave him an order, he carried it out.

They'll be carrying you out in a minute.

I beg your pardon.

Who do you think you are?

-Now you look here, my man...

-Your man?

Let's get one thing straight.

You might be wearing a uniform, but you are nothing

but a glorified doorman. Do you understand?

If I've got an errand I need you to run, you bloody well run it!

Right, I tell you what.

Could I have a word with you in private, please, Mr Carter?

-CHOKING:

-You've turned into a maniac!

-And you're about to turn into Superman.

-What?

Cos in a minute you'll be flying out that fucking window.

Don't you ever talk to me like that again,

and in front of all them young girls!

Fred! Let him go!

Mr Launchberry, this is anarchy!

No.

This is bollocks.

Fred! Where are you going?

MUSIC: Locomotive Breath by Jethro Tull

-DOG BARKS

-Oo-oo!

Hello.

Wasn't expecting you back so early. How'd it go?

Want a bacon sandwich?

I run into Smithfield Smutty down the market, got a pile of bacon.

-No, thanks.

-I'll have one.

-Here you are.

Here, haven't you got a wedding dress to be fitting in to?

I'm not havin' sauce on it.

Oh, well that's all right, then.

So, how did it go?

I jacked it in.

Eh?

Nah, just windin' you up. You should see your face.

Ohhh!

No, I was, er, just being shown the ropes today.

Half day, you know, first day and that.

Oh, thank God, I thought you were serious.

Don't do that to me again, you rotten sod.

No, it's going all right.

Take a bit of getting used to, though.

Good, where's Danny?

Don't think he's home yet.

Too busy tryin' to convince some poor cow down the caf

that he's David Essex's brother.

Is that why he's started dressing like a pikey?

This Donny Essex, does he work up at the fairground?

He's a pop star, Dad.

He's got an earring.

I think Danny's going to get one.

Oh, is he? His mother'll help him pack.

-Right, come on then, you, get 'em off.

-What?

I'll press it for tomorrow.

Oh, I thought my luck was in then.

Where's your cap?

I threw it at some bloke when I walked out.

Here, Sissy Painter says if you do well in a job like this,

they keep you on for life.

Yeah, well, let's just see how it goes, eh.

'Living a double life wasn't easy for Dad.

'Whereas by now, I was an old hand.'

-See you, Dad.

-Yeah! Yeah!

Back in his civvies, with a good breakfast inside him,

Dad headed straight for his favourite

bookies in Rotherhithe New Road.

Unfortunately, his route took him down Silwood Street,

where he ran into the only other person in the world, apart

from my mum, that he definitely did not want to see that day.

Spud! Oi, Spud!

Buckle Eyed Bill Pitts.

Dad was firmly of the opinion that if you looked a boss-eyed bloke

in the face before a bet, it brought you bad luck.

-Well, look, I just want a quick word with you.

-No, not now!

I'm sure you can see two of me. Have a word with the other one.

I can get hold of some Hoovers and some hairdryers, you interested?

No, I'm not. Stay indoors!

Dad and Buckle went through the same pantomime every time

they saw each other.

Oi! Oi! Oi! What you doin'? How come you're not at school?

The, erm, the fire alarm went off.

Fire alarms? I'll give you fire alarms.

You're hoppin' it, ain't ya? And I've caught you.

When you go in tomorrow, don't ask for a note from me or your mother.

Oh! Dad...

I've left school.

Left school? When?

Ages ago. I been too scared to tell you.

So what you been doin' with yourself? Walking the streets?

Your mother is going to go potty. Where's your uniform?

-In here.

-In there? That's deception, that is.

That's against the law - failure to maintain yourself.

What you going to do?

Photography?

Fuckin' photography. Huh!

I don't know what's happening to you, I really don't!

I have nightmares, nightmares you're going to wind up

workin' in a women's shoe shop.

-Dad?

-What?

Well, where's your uniform?

Oh, bollocks.

Come on, let's go and have a drink.

A drink. What, like in a pub?

Yeah. Well you've left school now, ain't ya?

You're a funny kid, you are, God knows where you get it.

-Spud!

-Fuck off, Baxter, don't look at him, son. Don't look at him!

Stay indoors!

Come on, Micky, how long you going to stare at them boxes?

DISSONANT MUSIC

Woman here wants two dozen golden plums.

All right, all right.

Golden plums.

-SHE SCREAMS

-Jesus Christ!

He'll be all right. Whoa, it's his eye!

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

All right, good day at school. History was good.

And geography.

I've got some homework to do, so...

# Rock and roll me all night long, babe. #

All right!

Well, I've not had a bad day, got to know a few of 'em a bit better.

The guv'nor seems like a nice bloke.

This guv'nor - did he give you any good tips?

Eh?

For the horses?

Cos the only person you've seen today is Buckle-Eyed Bill Pitts

-on the way to the betting shop. He told me.

-Nah.

I've...I've...I've been at work all day.

Yeah?

So what do you need a change of clothes for?

I knew it, boss-eyed blokes - always poxy bad luck!

This has got nothing to do with luck, Fred.

I wasn't even there ten minutes and I knew I wasn't cut out for it.

They said I was a glorified doorman. The lowest of the low.

Me, a doorman!

So why all this pantomime today?

I tried to tell you last night, but...

You just looked...heartbroken.

I am heartbroken. Now.

The way you lied to me. And creeping around behind my back?

And now we're back at square one.

All your dock money's gone on this...this wedding

we've got hurtling towards us, and then we going to do?

This was our chance to get straight.

Proper job, Fred.

You had a proper job.

-Let me tell you about that proper...

-No, don't tell me nothin'

cos it'll all be balls, won't it? Cos that's what you do.

Treat me with contempt.

-Mum.

-Danny, not now.

I haven't been going to school.

I left three weeks ago.

(Fucking hell!)

Sorry I lied to you.

I'll be back late tonight.

Bye.

Bye.

Where you goin'?

What's it matter?

Cos soon as anyone walks through that door, it's just

all a mystery, innit?

I'll see you in the morning.

The morning? What do you mean the morning?

PHONE RINGS

The phone's back on.

At least that's a bit of good news.

Hello?

You what? When?

His eyes - what you talkin' about, his eyes?

No, no, no, don't! I'm comin' up, right. I'm comin' up.

Bet!

Bet!

Bet!

BET!

MUSIC: Gonna Make You A Star by David Essex

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Hello.

Joan? It's Fred.

Is Bet with you?

No, no, I've tried there.

And there.

And there. Yeah!

# I'm gonna make you a star... #

So I was officially going out with the best looking girl that I

or any of my mates had ever seen. And now, it was back to her place.

THEY LAUGH

Will I do it?

-Louise?

-'Heather?'

It's me. Guess who I'm with!

-'Who?'

-David Essex's brother.

-'No!'

-Here, say hello.

'Oh, my God! Hello?'

-Hello?

-'Are you really David Essex's brother?'

Yeah. Yes, I am.

-'Can you say hello to him for me?'

-Yes, I will.

'What is his favourite food?'

Er... Steak and chips, but he does like fish fingers too.

'I like fish fingers.'

See, I told you. I'll call you tomorrow.

Well, now that's done. Shall we go back to yours?

Not yet - I've got a load more people I want you to speak to first.

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

-Hello, brother Baker.

-Hello, Spud, you all right?

Allow me to furnish you with some strong water. Sit, sit.

No, you're all right, Bill.

-On your own, Fred?

-You haven't see Bet, have you?

-No. What's the matter?

-I haven't spoken to her since yesterday.

-You all right?

-No, it's Michael, he's in the hospital.

-He's put his eye out.

-THEY GROAN

Yeah, I need to find her, I've looked everywhere I could think of.

Oh, my goodness... Er, pictures?

No, she wouldn't go on her own. She said she might be out all night.

-All night?

-Oh, we had a row or something.

Erm, where's she going to go all night?

Look, ask around for us, will you?

I'm going to shoot round her sister's.

If she turns up, Michael's in the Royal Eye Hospital.

OK, all right.

-Frank, have you seen Bet?

-No, mate.

-Hope he's all right.

-Me too.

Spud!

What?

What?

I know where she might be.

Do you mind?

Get out of it!

What am I doing out here? I must be puggled!

Fishing, I'll give you fishing.

Come on, where are the pair of you?

Can't you see there's a competition in progress?

If it's a competition to see who gets a right-hander,

you're going to win it, mate.

Fuck you, Wally, and your hunches.

Come all the way out here for nothing.

Fred?

Bet?

I don't believe it. What the bleedin' 'ell are you doing here?

Getting some peace and quiet.

Hello, Fred.

-"Hello, Fred?"

-Let's not be silly.

I hope you can swim, mate, cos you're going straight in that drink

-when I get hold of you.

-Fred, nobody's getting hold of anybody.

I should hope not - but you'd know about that, Bet, wouldn't you?

Well, I couldn't stay indoors no more.

You are driving me mad, Fred, everything is.

We were just fishing...

Can't you deal with this in private?

I'll deal with you in private in a minute, mate.

Keith, where are you going?

This isn't my thing. I'm sorry.

We've done nothing wrong!

I've done nothing wrong, Fred.

Get, you long streak of piss!

Answer me this, what's the attraction to him?

What is all this about?

Well, answer me.

I am answering you, Fred.

What?

He listens, get it?

He listens to me.

Yeah, well...

Michael's in hospital.

-What?

-You can do what you fuckin' want, but our boy's in hospital.

What's the matter with him?

-They reckon he's lost his eye.

-Oh, God! When?

This afternoon.

Oh, my good God! I've got to get there.

Yeah, I tried to find you earlier.

But you'd gone fishing.

Where are you parked?

Huh! I thought you'd be going home with him!

Well, I shall tell the hospital he can have one of my eyes.

Michael can have one of my eyes!

If he's having anyone's eye, he's having mine.

-Oh, God!

-My eye!

Are you sure your parents won't be awake?

No. They go to bed at ten every night. It's fine.

I plan these things very carefully.

DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE

Come here!

Heather.

Oh...

Are you Danny?

Yeah. We were just...

Your sister called. Your brother's had an accident.

What? Is it bad?

He's at the London Eye Hospital. I think it's serious.

Er... OK! I'm going to have to go.

Um... I'll see you. Thanks.

Poor boy.

David Essex is in the hospital!

# They say time'll wait for no man

# They say time is on my side

# I can never make my mind up

# As it all goes whizzing by

# From the cradle to the grave

-# From the cradle to the grave

-I know I won't be a slave

# I know I won't be a slave... #