Episode 1 Crims

This programme contains strong language.

Is it worth asking if there's a one-bed nearer the beach?

Let me drop him home, then we can chat about it.

-How about we go the airport?

-Can I call you back?

-And put your foot down.

-I'm not taking you the airport.

I'm going to Gemma's house to look at flats for Australia.

-Stop being so weird.

-Fine. Give us your clothes.

Do you remember earlier on today

when I asked you to stop being so weird?

I'll give you a grand for them.

No, you won't, Jason, because a grand means a thousand.

How the hell do you have so much...

-Oh, my God! Jason!

-Probably your brake light, mate.

Oh, my God! They've got guns!

-Am I your getaway driver?

-To be honest,

you're more my getty-caught driver.

-I did say put your foot down!

-Jason, why would you involve me in this?

Mate, I'll take the full rap. Like I'd ever get you in trouble.

You pigs come any closer, my boy Luke starts shooting.

You are not going to get bummed to death.

Sorry, but I work in customer services.

I've taken training modules in empty promises.

You're getting yourself worked up over nothing.

That just doesn't happen in here

96% of the time.

-Just keep your head down. You'll be fine.

-Head down.

Is that a tooth?

No, it's probably just a bit of skull.

Look, we're not here to punish you.

We always like to say it's more of a school than a prison.

So am I allowed out at weekends to see my girlfriend?

-More of a boarding school.

-So we get holidays then?

-Fine. It's a prison.

ALARM BLARES

Is that the lunch bell?

Don't worry about that, love. It's just a routine drill.

-INTERCOM:

-This is not a drill. Repeat, this is not a drill.

-INTERCOM:

-Isaac Turner missing from morning headcount.

For God's sake!

-Morning, boys.

-Morning, Miss.

Let Isaac out the bag.

-How did he get...?

-Just go.

One of these days, they're going to break that washing machine.

Hey, what's up? You can tell the guards absolutely anything.

Why did they put that kid in a bag?

Isaac? The snitch. He tells the guards absolutely anything.

Big mistake in here.

How can you do that to another human being?

I think the trick is to dislocate the pelvis

because then you just concertina right down.

Any word on Isaac? Have they found his body yet?

Yeah, he's OK. They only used an Eco Wash this time.

Well done, Dawny. Lovely stuff.

Luke, this is Creg, senior officer on our wing.

-Nice to meet you, Greg.

-Creg. Have you got that, poppet?

I was just explaining to Luke here,

it's unlikely he's going to get bummed.

Oh, I don't know. If he does something with his hair,

he might find the right guy.

Dawny, you might want to look at your Facebook.

I think it's been hacked.

For some reason, I can't seem to open your holiday photos any more.

Oh, again? I'll call Facebook tomorrow.

I'm kicking myself. I left all my print-outs at Mum's.

Right, here's your room - G15.

-Oh, this seems to be a twin room, so who am I...?

-Oi-oi, Lulu!

-Get off me! And it's Luke!

-Does Mr Grumpy need a tickle?

Which part of "I never want to see you henceforth"

did you not understand?

-Henceforth. Are you still sulking about that?

-Oh, no!

I'm absolutely thrilled that you've managed to arrange me

this two-year staycation in a fucking bumatorium.

There he is. There's that smile. Come on! We're roomies!

We're going to have the best cell in this joint. The party cell.

-The Ministry of Lulu.

-Still not my name!

Who can be bothered to say Lu-u-uke?

Anyway, Lulu, isn't this a great room?

The two of us locked in here together every single day.

-Just imagine the constant banter.

-Go fuck yourself, Jason.

And we're off!

Right, sorry to talk admin, yeah,

I've started drawing up the wanking rota.

-Just give me two ticks.

-Shotgun Thursday mornings!

You can't make me stay with him.

He's two sandwiches short of a...

-twin pack of sandwiches.

-He described you as his "bezzie".

He's not my bezzie. He's my girlfriend's brother.

Luke, it's not a Premier Inn. I can't...

There must be someone else you can put me with.

A child murderer, maybe.

Vernon Kay.

Don't get yourself into a little tizzy. I'll do my best.

Remember, head down.

Is that vomit?

I think it's actually spinal fluid. OK.

-Jason!

-What? Haven't you seen the rota?

-Stoosh trainers, mate. Really suit you.

-Thank you.

-I'll swap them for a Pepsi Max.

-I beg your pardon?

You need to meet Black Elton John. He's been in here 12 times.

-He can literally get you anything.

-That's not my name, mate.

You've got to admit you look like him. The Candle In The Bin guy.

Let's not bother the nice man, and it's "Wind". Candle In The Wind.

Why would you put a candle in the wind?

It would just blow out.

That's why you put it in the bin.

Are you going to buy something or what?

Newbies normally go for my welcome pack.

Ten credits gets you a sock full of Minstrels, a roll of satin Andrex

-and six pages of Nuts magazine.

-I'm not really interested,

-but thank you.

-Fair enough.

I can probably get you a copy of Big Spunkers from somewhere?

Oh, I need a nice thick duvet

and a gun.

A gun, Jason? This isn't Ross Kemp On Gangs.

You just let me know and you guys'll be fine,

-as long as you...

-Find the biggest guy in here

-and kick his face off.

-No, keep our heads down.

I was going to say you'll be fine,

-as long as you don't sit in Marcel's special seat.

-Oi!

-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

-Oh, that's Marcel!

Apparently, they caught him with a policeman's helmet in his glove box.

It wasn't just the helmet.

I heard it was the full penis.

Sick! Let's go kick some face.

No! Let's not do anything to anyone's anything.

-Ow!

-Good thinking. Let's wait till there's more people around

to see us kill him.

So what about that guv Dawn, then, Lulu?

She couldn't take her eyes off my six-pack.

-You haven't got a six-pack.

-I do when I'm squatting.

-Please stop talking.

-Fine.

When I bring her back to the cell tonight,

-you need to make yourself scared.

-It's "make yourself scarce"

and you've got, literally, no chance with her.

You may not, but some of us have got the gift of the gob.

-Gab.

-What was that brilliant line I said to you before, Elt?

It was so good.

Yeah, that Dawn is one screw I'd really like to...

-Do go on.

-..shag!

Shag?

Jason, screw! A screw I want to screw!

Why's that better?

Dawn's a screw I really want to screw!

Well, that's never going to happen.

He said it, not me! I'm innocent, once again!

That's a yellow card. I'm very disappointed, Luke.

-We both are.

-Anyway, your girlfriend's here to see you,

unless you want to stand here chatting about my nether regions?

Catch you in a bit, yeah, Dawn?

-Nice of her to say goodbye to you in person.

-What?

All these hot, lonely girlfriends.

At first, they just want a man's shoulder to cry on

and then, before you know it...

-Thanks, Craig.

-It's Creg. Clean your fucking ears out, munchkin.

Hello, you!

-I've missed you so much.

-I've missed you too. Shall we take a...?

-Yeah.

So, the airline wouldn't refund us the Australia tickets,

but it's cool. I've signed up to a bunch of extra shifts, so...

IN AN INDIAN ACCENT: ..we can still get a couple of shrimps on the barbie.

Oh, I thought we were going to Australia?

Shut up! I've been practising that.

-Mum!

-Sweetie!

You get here OK, then?

Yeah. Yeah, Roger dropped me.

You are going to be fine, aren't you?

And you're going to look after Jason, right,

-because you know that he can be a bit of a...

-Dick!

-Are you managing OK at home?

-You know me. I'll cope.

Could have done with you the other night.

-Bulb went in the kitchen.

-Could it wait a couple of years?

-Don't worry. Roger came over and did it.

-Cool.

-Is that a new top?

-Yeah, I went Topshop last weekend.

-With Roger?

-Yeah.

Just one question.

Who the fuck is Roger...

-..babe?

-Hey, stop being silly. It's just Roger from the gym.

IN AN INDIAN ACCENT: Everything's going to be bonzer, sport!

Here, mate! Swap you a Creme Egg for them trainers.

Might need a bit of a wipe first, but...

Right, how much for a tattoo?

I'm thinking upper arm - Ministry of Lulu in Gothic script.

-Who's Roger?

-Never heard of him.

And then, obviously, I want a skull

-on my face.

-Gemma's going on about some guy called Roger.

-Oh, you mean Gemma's Roger.

-Yes.

-Yeah, top bloke! He's proper jokes.

He's got this amazing weed, as well. It makes you so horny.

-Proper jokes.

-The last time I had some,

-I fired a condom right the way across Nando's.

-What?!

And he always gave me loads of the stuff for free,

so I don't tell Gemma about this thing he did.

Oh, my days, it's so dark. Next level shit. The man's an animal.

If anyone knew, man! Wow!

Would you tell me what he did?

Obvs! I'd tell my roomie anything!

What is the dirtiest thing you can possibly do to a girl?

-Just tell me what he did.

-Guess.

-I don't know. Tell me.

-Come on! Think filthy!

-Licking someone out?

-Dawn.

Licking Dawn out?

-You're telling me that she's behind me again, aren't you?

-Nah, mate.

She's just to your right.

You really are one sick puppy. That's a red card for sex offences.

Category D - oral.

Meaning, you said it.

-No phone credit for a week.

-And I'm docking three wanks.

I clearly shouldn't have bothered, but I've managed to get you sorted

-with that single cell on D wing. Come on, then, soft lad.

-You what?

I thought we were roomies. I thought you were my friend.

-Why would you ask to...?

-Quick, just tell me the Roger thing.

-What did he do?

-Why would I even tell you anything?

Don't you even look at me.

I think there's been some sort of mistake.

-You specifically asked me...

-Yes, to stay with my bezzie...

..in the Ministry of Lulu.

Just tell me what he did.

Later. Some of us don't talk filthy when there's ladies present.

Glad I caught you, Dawn.

I'm afraid I've had to move the shifts around a bit.

You'll be doing a late tomorrow with me, I think.

-I can't. My sister's...

-Don't worry. I've already called her.

-How did you...?

-I'm sure she'll get a refund on her plane ticket.

Shall I book us a table somewhere after work?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

So, can you just...?

I've got to go.

Oh, well, that's us in. I'm sure you're busy,

so if you wouldn't mind leaving us to get settled...

Oh, he's a fun little fella, isn't he? Your teddy bear?

Sam-Sam's not really a teddy bear.

He's just a little souvenir we bought

when we started saving up for Australia.

I actually thought his eyes looked a bit like Gemma's and...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck are you doing to his eyes?

Could be used as weapons, I'm afraid.

Once you've fished Igglepiggle's blanket

out of a dead boy's throat...

OK, phonecards.

Looks like there's only one for Jason.

I'll ask Dawn why you don't have one, sausage.

I do hope you haven't upset her. We're very close friends.

Oh, I mean, you know, I didn't really want a phonecard anyway,

so, you know, don't go to any trouble on my account.

-Well, I will.

-Please, don't.

OK, I probably will.

Right, I'll leave you to cuddle your toys.

It's a souvenir.

-Jason, what did Roger do?

-House-warming party tonight.

What do you reckon? We'll put the chill-out area there, DJ there,

vodka luge. You'll be over there enjoying a little Sex On The Toilet.

Please tell me that's the name of a cocktail.

Jason, what did Roger do?

Party in G15 tonight, guys! Someone bring a luge!

-Jason! What did Roger do?

-Who's Roger?

-Gemma's Roger!

Oh, OK. So, about six months ago Roger goes to this house party,

get's completely mashup, goes home with this girl

and she lets him activate 3G!

-Shit! Really?

-Yeah!

-Wow!

-And what does that mean exactly?

-3G.

You know, when you shag a girl, her mum and her gran.

Three generations.

-That is...

-Amazing!

-Disgusting!

What a pervert. I need to tell Gemma.

Shit. I'm not going to see her till next week.

-Give me your phonecard.

-I'd love to

but I've already skibbed it to Black Elton for six fags

and a picture frame.

Un-skib it! De-skib it! Reverse your skib.

That's not how it works inside. You never go back on a deal.

That's like the lowest of the low.

It's like being a snitch or a nonce

or Vernon Kay.

Chat to Black Elton. He's a reasonable guy.

I'm sure you've got something he'll swap a 50p phonecard for.

-IN AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Ah, g'day sport!

I was just thinking of you. What have you been up to?

Really. Feels like longer than two hours ago.

No, no, no. I just wanted a chat really.

What are you doing tonight?

Ah, Roger,

Roger, Roger, Roger.

What was someone saying to me the other week about Roger?

It was really quite shocking. Jason's fine, yeah.

Listen, about Roger, the thing, it was really...

No, they got us a room together. Yeah.

Listen, about Roger, because I don't have a huge amount of phone credit,

so I was talking about Roger...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

Stop talking because Roger fucked a girl and her mum and her gran!

Oh, come on, that's not fair. A telltale? Me?

Reporting someone's wrongdoings does not make me a snitch

because he's done something bad, probably illegal,

and you expect me not to inform anyone?

Well, I was just wrapping up anyway.

I must get the recipe for these nuggets.

-What would you call this sauce?

-That's ketchup.

I'm not going to stand for this.

People out there thinking my roomie's a snitch.

I'm just going to enjoy all of this extra food.

All of this snitch nonsense will be over in ten minutes.

Can I just say, so brave of you coming out on your first day here.

-You're a credit to snitches everywhere.

-I'm not a sn...

OK, I know what we need to do.

We need to find the biggest guy in here and...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, kick his face off.

I was going to say, "Become best friends with him,"

but your idea's much better. Beat the shit out of him.

That sends out a clear message. Nobody fucks with Lulu's mob.

This isn't Avengers Assemble. There's no such thing as Lulu's mob.

OK, fine,

but I need to know the new gang name by Friday.

Tattoo day.

There's your man. Take him down and, remember,

-punch upwards so his nose shoots up and explodes his brain.

-Get down.

What would Gemma say if she knew I let you get killed?

I think she'd say, "You should definitely listen to Jason's plan.

-"He's a genius."

-She wouldn't and what's wrong

with keeping our heads down?

Nothing, if you don't mind being that guy's personal penis carriage.

-I can't look after you 9/11.

-It's 24/7, mate.

-That sounds more doable. Right, fine, I'll do it myself, yeah?

-No!

Guys...

Dudes...

Before this goes any further,

there's been a huge misunderstanding.

There's no misunderstanding here.

I just see a snitch who's about to get chopped up

and fed to his boyfriend.

-Before anyone starts chopping, can I just explain myself?

-I'm listening.

If the Volturi never listened,

there were wouldn't be a vampire left in Forks.

-Well, I'm not...

-Hang on a minute. You're not Team Jacob, are you?

One of those dick-sniffing werewolf lovers?

No.

You've very much got me wrong because Team Jacob,

they're werewolves.

I mean, they're so unnecessarily hairy and giving at all of that,

"Oh." They're wankers. They're idiots. No.

Yeah, trust me, like, Bella would never fancy a werewolf.

I mean, who wants a boyfriend who can lick his own anus?

It's so good to meet another Twilighter, man.

You know, most of these lot

couldn't even name me one member of the Denali coven.

Joyce.

I like you, man.

You know what? I could do with having someone like you on board.

When I read me New Moons and that.

Oh, you're replacing m-m-m-m....

-Yes, I'd love to.

-All right, gay-time's over.

Are you going to smack him or what?

No, can't I just talk to my new best friend about our shared love

-of the Twilight Saga?

-Yeah.

-Twilight? No, we hate Twilight.

What was that ting you always used to say about Twilight?

-There was no ting.

-Yes, there was.

You said it was like eating dog shit,

shitting out that shit and robbing the new shit...

You betrayed me! Just like...

Yeah, like the goblins betrayed the monkeys, we get it, yeah?

-You disrespected my best friend.

-We're not really best friends.

So, we are going to take you down.

-You and the snitch?

-My boy's not a snitch.

-Sex offender, maybe.

-Just oral.

Fine. Ready when you are.

Well, now is very awkward for us, actually, because we've got a thing.

-You've got a thing?

-Yes.

-OK.

-No problem, seven o'clock then.

-Done!

Cheerio!

Fuck!

We missed pudding.

-Still worried about Roger?

-I had actually forgotten about that.

-He's trying to have sex with Gemma?

-Thanks for the reminder.

I was actually more concerned about this evening's... My death.

Don't get your nipples in a Twix.

-While you were fingering your teddy...

-It's a souvenir.

I've been putting together a gang.

The hardest, maddest bastards in this joint,

all tooled up and itching for war,

but if you can manage without them, I'll send them away. Sorry, guys!

Oh, fine, bring them in.

Come on, lads! Avengers assemble!

I think we've all met before.

Luke, Black Elton John, Isaac, or, as he is known in here,

-The Other Snitch.

-Well, who's the other sn...

Yes. How are we going to beat Marcel? He's got an army of 30 men.

No, he hasn't got 30 men. He's only got 29.

Massive Steve's still in solitary for biting through a door.

Right, weapons. I couldn't get you shotguns at such short notice

but I've gone and got you second best.

All right, third best.

Are these from the gym? Does Creg know you've got these?

Bravo, Jason.

Not only is this the most awful plan anyone has ever heard of,

you've managed to put the icing on this fuckwit-ted cake

by not even organising enough rackets for the four of us

to hold whilst we die.

Who's this fourth guy? I'm just here to supply the weapons.

-Jesus Christ.

-Guys, guys, guys, it's not about the number of us

or the weapons in our hands. It's about what's in here.

Did David not doubt himself before he went off to defeat Godzilla?

I'm going to have to sort this out myself, aren't I?

If you're not back in time, you'll miss your slot.

We use a wanking rota.

-All right, snitch?

-I'm not a snitch.

Gentlemen, we deeply regret having fallen short on this occasion.

Your custom is extremely valuable to us

and I'm sure that we can work together to find

a mutually acceptable and non-batter-ly solution.

I don't see why not. We're all reasonable people.

-Apart from Massive Steve, obviously. Nice to have you back, mate.

-Hello.

We'll just fuck you up quickly now, then.

No need to involve your friend,

unless you'd rather the full-scale war this evening.

I was looking forward to wearing your cell-mate's skin as a onesie.

OK, do it, but absolutely no penis parking.

I've just eaten and you've got to wait for two hours.

-Evening, pumpkins.

-Creg, great to see you!

-It's Creg.

-Hmm?

I trust you're all playing nicely.

We're just ch-ch-chatting to the f-f-f-f...

Fucking prick?

I think he was actually going for fucking snitch.

Anything you wanted to tell Creg

or happy for him to be on his way?

We were just having a lovely chat, thanks.

Great. Toodle-pip, then.

Don't go! They're going to kill me and turn me into leisurewear!

-Is this true?

-Yeah.

I'm very glad you felt you could tell me that, Luke.

Some people, they don't like to snitch.

All right, you've got two minutes, lads. Don't punch his face.

-Come on, guv.

-No, actually, you might want to have a little stamp

on his tongue. Stop him licking out people's very close friends.

You disgust me.

LUKE GROANS

I do hope this hasn't spoilt your first day, chicken.

Back straight, swing from the hips.

-Jesus, you OK?

-Yeah.

Absolutely terrific. Tickety-fucking-boo.

Excellent. I need to show you how to backhand someone's balls

into their shitpipe.

What the fuck is wrong with you, you monumental prick?

All I want to do is stop my girlfriend from hating me

and get through this without being skinned or violated

or used as a storage unit for pool equipment!

ALARM BLARES

All I want to do is keep my fucking head down!

229 in G15.

Target has been neutralised. Stand down on the dogs.

Maybe bring a couple of Tasers just in case.

You can say goodbye to your visiting rights for this.

Do you play, Miss?

If you ever fancy a knock up.

Gems, before you say anything,

I just need to apologise.

No, it's me who should be apologising.

I completely understand why you were worried.

I mean, he is quite good looking.

-It's just... It's only because I care so much.

-I love you too, Lukey.

And everything is going to be completely fine.

-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-You bloody galah.

These visits keep me going. Let's never miss another one again.

Of course not.

Next week might be tricky, though.

It's Roger's birthday party and I kind of already promised I'd go.

-That's OK.

-Thank you. It's just everyone's going.

He's even invited Mum and Gran.

They can't wait to meet him.

There's nothing you can do to make up for getting me sent here.

-I meant to make up for the wet patch on your bed.

-You remember Roger?

You mean the Roger who's trying to get into my girlfriend's body.

-He's doing a French GCSE.

-We do do an A Level.

-Great, I'll do that.

-Latin.

-We're going to start having some fun.

Do you mean you're going to bum me?

If you're up to something, you know that I will find out.