Episode 1 Crims


Episode 1

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This programme contains strong language.

0:00:020:00:05

Is it worth asking if there's a one-bed nearer the beach?

0:00:050:00:08

Let me drop him home, then we can chat about it.

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-How about we go the airport?

-Can I call you back?

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-And put your foot down.

-I'm not taking you the airport.

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I'm going to Gemma's house to look at flats for Australia.

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-Stop being so weird.

-Fine. Give us your clothes.

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Do you remember earlier on today

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when I asked you to stop being so weird?

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I'll give you a grand for them.

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No, you won't, Jason, because a grand means a thousand.

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How the hell do you have so much...

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-Oh, my God! Jason!

-Probably your brake light, mate.

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Oh, my God! They've got guns!

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-Am I your getaway driver?

-To be honest,

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you're more my getty-caught driver.

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-I did say put your foot down!

-Jason, why would you involve me in this?

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Mate, I'll take the full rap. Like I'd ever get you in trouble.

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You pigs come any closer, my boy Luke starts shooting.

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You are not going to get bummed to death.

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Sorry, but I work in customer services.

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I've taken training modules in empty promises.

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You're getting yourself worked up over nothing.

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That just doesn't happen in here

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96% of the time.

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-Just keep your head down. You'll be fine.

-Head down.

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Is that a tooth?

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No, it's probably just a bit of skull.

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Look, we're not here to punish you.

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We always like to say it's more of a school than a prison.

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So am I allowed out at weekends to see my girlfriend?

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-More of a boarding school.

-So we get holidays then?

-Fine. It's a prison.

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ALARM BLARES

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Is that the lunch bell?

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Don't worry about that, love. It's just a routine drill.

0:01:360:01:39

-INTERCOM:

-This is not a drill. Repeat, this is not a drill.

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-INTERCOM:

-Isaac Turner missing from morning headcount.

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For God's sake!

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-Morning, boys.

-Morning, Miss.

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Let Isaac out the bag.

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-How did he get...?

-Just go.

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One of these days, they're going to break that washing machine.

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Hey, what's up? You can tell the guards absolutely anything.

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Why did they put that kid in a bag?

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Isaac? The snitch. He tells the guards absolutely anything.

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Big mistake in here.

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How can you do that to another human being?

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I think the trick is to dislocate the pelvis

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because then you just concertina right down.

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Any word on Isaac? Have they found his body yet?

0:02:310:02:33

Yeah, he's OK. They only used an Eco Wash this time.

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Well done, Dawny. Lovely stuff.

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Luke, this is Creg, senior officer on our wing.

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-Nice to meet you, Greg.

-Creg. Have you got that, poppet?

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I was just explaining to Luke here,

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it's unlikely he's going to get bummed.

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Oh, I don't know. If he does something with his hair,

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he might find the right guy.

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Dawny, you might want to look at your Facebook.

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I think it's been hacked.

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For some reason, I can't seem to open your holiday photos any more.

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Oh, again? I'll call Facebook tomorrow.

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I'm kicking myself. I left all my print-outs at Mum's.

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Right, here's your room - G15.

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-Oh, this seems to be a twin room, so who am I...?

-Oi-oi, Lulu!

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-Get off me! And it's Luke!

-Does Mr Grumpy need a tickle?

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Which part of "I never want to see you henceforth"

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did you not understand?

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-Henceforth. Are you still sulking about that?

-Oh, no!

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I'm absolutely thrilled that you've managed to arrange me

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this two-year staycation in a fucking bumatorium.

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There he is. There's that smile. Come on! We're roomies!

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We're going to have the best cell in this joint. The party cell.

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-The Ministry of Lulu.

-Still not my name!

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Who can be bothered to say Lu-u-uke?

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Anyway, Lulu, isn't this a great room?

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The two of us locked in here together every single day.

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-Just imagine the constant banter.

-Go fuck yourself, Jason.

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And we're off!

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Right, sorry to talk admin, yeah,

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I've started drawing up the wanking rota.

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-Just give me two ticks.

-Shotgun Thursday mornings!

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You can't make me stay with him.

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He's two sandwiches short of a...

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-twin pack of sandwiches.

-He described you as his "bezzie".

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He's not my bezzie. He's my girlfriend's brother.

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Luke, it's not a Premier Inn. I can't...

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There must be someone else you can put me with.

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A child murderer, maybe.

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Vernon Kay.

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Don't get yourself into a little tizzy. I'll do my best.

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Remember, head down.

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Is that vomit?

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I think it's actually spinal fluid. OK.

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-Jason!

-What? Haven't you seen the rota?

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-Stoosh trainers, mate. Really suit you.

-Thank you.

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-I'll swap them for a Pepsi Max.

-I beg your pardon?

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You need to meet Black Elton John. He's been in here 12 times.

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-He can literally get you anything.

-That's not my name, mate.

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You've got to admit you look like him. The Candle In The Bin guy.

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Let's not bother the nice man, and it's "Wind". Candle In The Wind.

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Why would you put a candle in the wind?

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It would just blow out.

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That's why you put it in the bin.

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Are you going to buy something or what?

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Newbies normally go for my welcome pack.

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Ten credits gets you a sock full of Minstrels, a roll of satin Andrex

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-and six pages of Nuts magazine.

-I'm not really interested,

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-but thank you.

-Fair enough.

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I can probably get you a copy of Big Spunkers from somewhere?

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Oh, I need a nice thick duvet

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and a gun.

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A gun, Jason? This isn't Ross Kemp On Gangs.

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You just let me know and you guys'll be fine,

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-as long as you...

-Find the biggest guy in here

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-and kick his face off.

-No, keep our heads down.

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I was going to say you'll be fine,

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-as long as you don't sit in Marcel's special seat.

-Oi!

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-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

-Oh, that's Marcel!

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Apparently, they caught him with a policeman's helmet in his glove box.

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It wasn't just the helmet.

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I heard it was the full penis.

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Sick! Let's go kick some face.

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No! Let's not do anything to anyone's anything.

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-Ow!

-Good thinking. Let's wait till there's more people around

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to see us kill him.

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So what about that guv Dawn, then, Lulu?

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She couldn't take her eyes off my six-pack.

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-You haven't got a six-pack.

-I do when I'm squatting.

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-Please stop talking.

-Fine.

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When I bring her back to the cell tonight,

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-you need to make yourself scared.

-It's "make yourself scarce"

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and you've got, literally, no chance with her.

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You may not, but some of us have got the gift of the gob.

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-Gab.

-What was that brilliant line I said to you before, Elt?

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It was so good.

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Yeah, that Dawn is one screw I'd really like to...

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-Do go on.

-..shag!

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Shag?

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Jason, screw! A screw I want to screw!

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Why's that better?

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Dawn's a screw I really want to screw!

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Well, that's never going to happen.

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He said it, not me! I'm innocent, once again!

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That's a yellow card. I'm very disappointed, Luke.

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-We both are.

-Anyway, your girlfriend's here to see you,

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unless you want to stand here chatting about my nether regions?

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Catch you in a bit, yeah, Dawn?

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-Nice of her to say goodbye to you in person.

-What?

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All these hot, lonely girlfriends.

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At first, they just want a man's shoulder to cry on

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and then, before you know it...

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-Thanks, Craig.

-It's Creg. Clean your fucking ears out, munchkin.

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Hello, you!

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-I've missed you so much.

-I've missed you too. Shall we take a...?

-Yeah.

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So, the airline wouldn't refund us the Australia tickets,

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but it's cool. I've signed up to a bunch of extra shifts, so...

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IN AN INDIAN ACCENT: ..we can still get a couple of shrimps on the barbie.

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Oh, I thought we were going to Australia?

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Shut up! I've been practising that.

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-Mum!

-Sweetie!

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You get here OK, then?

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Yeah. Yeah, Roger dropped me.

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You are going to be fine, aren't you?

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And you're going to look after Jason, right,

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-because you know that he can be a bit of a...

-Dick!

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-Are you managing OK at home?

-You know me. I'll cope.

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Could have done with you the other night.

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-Bulb went in the kitchen.

-Could it wait a couple of years?

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-Don't worry. Roger came over and did it.

-Cool.

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-Is that a new top?

-Yeah, I went Topshop last weekend.

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-With Roger?

-Yeah.

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Just one question.

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Who the fuck is Roger...

0:09:050:09:07

-..babe?

-Hey, stop being silly. It's just Roger from the gym.

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IN AN INDIAN ACCENT: Everything's going to be bonzer, sport!

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Here, mate! Swap you a Creme Egg for them trainers.

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Might need a bit of a wipe first, but...

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Right, how much for a tattoo?

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I'm thinking upper arm - Ministry of Lulu in Gothic script.

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-Who's Roger?

-Never heard of him.

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And then, obviously, I want a skull

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-on my face.

-Gemma's going on about some guy called Roger.

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-Oh, you mean Gemma's Roger.

-Yes.

-Yeah, top bloke! He's proper jokes.

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He's got this amazing weed, as well. It makes you so horny.

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-Proper jokes.

-The last time I had some,

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-I fired a condom right the way across Nando's.

-What?!

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And he always gave me loads of the stuff for free,

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so I don't tell Gemma about this thing he did.

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Oh, my days, it's so dark. Next level shit. The man's an animal.

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If anyone knew, man! Wow!

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Would you tell me what he did?

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Obvs! I'd tell my roomie anything!

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What is the dirtiest thing you can possibly do to a girl?

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-Just tell me what he did.

-Guess.

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-I don't know. Tell me.

-Come on! Think filthy!

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-Licking someone out?

-Dawn.

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Licking Dawn out?

0:10:220:10:24

-You're telling me that she's behind me again, aren't you?

-Nah, mate.

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She's just to your right.

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You really are one sick puppy. That's a red card for sex offences.

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Category D - oral.

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Meaning, you said it.

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-No phone credit for a week.

-And I'm docking three wanks.

0:10:420:10:46

I clearly shouldn't have bothered, but I've managed to get you sorted

0:10:460:10:49

-with that single cell on D wing. Come on, then, soft lad.

-You what?

0:10:490:10:53

I thought we were roomies. I thought you were my friend.

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-Why would you ask to...?

-Quick, just tell me the Roger thing.

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-What did he do?

-Why would I even tell you anything?

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Don't you even look at me.

0:11:030:11:04

I think there's been some sort of mistake.

0:11:110:11:15

-You specifically asked me...

-Yes, to stay with my bezzie...

0:11:150:11:18

..in the Ministry of Lulu.

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Just tell me what he did.

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Later. Some of us don't talk filthy when there's ladies present.

0:11:360:11:40

Glad I caught you, Dawn.

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I'm afraid I've had to move the shifts around a bit.

0:11:410:11:43

You'll be doing a late tomorrow with me, I think.

0:11:430:11:47

-I can't. My sister's...

-Don't worry. I've already called her.

0:11:470:11:50

-How did you...?

-I'm sure she'll get a refund on her plane ticket.

0:11:500:11:54

Shall I book us a table somewhere after work?

0:11:540:11:56

Yeah, I'll be right there.

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So, can you just...?

0:12:010:12:03

I've got to go.

0:12:030:12:04

Oh, well, that's us in. I'm sure you're busy,

0:12:110:12:13

so if you wouldn't mind leaving us to get settled...

0:12:130:12:16

Oh, he's a fun little fella, isn't he? Your teddy bear?

0:12:160:12:18

Sam-Sam's not really a teddy bear.

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He's just a little souvenir we bought

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when we started saving up for Australia.

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I actually thought his eyes looked a bit like Gemma's and...

0:12:240:12:26

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck are you doing to his eyes?

0:12:260:12:30

Could be used as weapons, I'm afraid.

0:12:300:12:32

Once you've fished Igglepiggle's blanket

0:12:320:12:34

out of a dead boy's throat...

0:12:340:12:35

OK, phonecards.

0:12:370:12:39

Looks like there's only one for Jason.

0:12:390:12:41

I'll ask Dawn why you don't have one, sausage.

0:12:410:12:43

I do hope you haven't upset her. We're very close friends.

0:12:430:12:47

Oh, I mean, you know, I didn't really want a phonecard anyway,

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so, you know, don't go to any trouble on my account.

0:12:520:12:55

-Well, I will.

-Please, don't.

0:12:550:12:57

OK, I probably will.

0:12:590:13:01

Right, I'll leave you to cuddle your toys.

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It's a souvenir.

0:13:050:13:06

-Jason, what did Roger do?

-House-warming party tonight.

0:13:080:13:11

What do you reckon? We'll put the chill-out area there, DJ there,

0:13:110:13:14

vodka luge. You'll be over there enjoying a little Sex On The Toilet.

0:13:140:13:17

Please tell me that's the name of a cocktail.

0:13:170:13:20

Jason, what did Roger do?

0:13:200:13:21

Party in G15 tonight, guys! Someone bring a luge!

0:13:210:13:25

-Jason! What did Roger do?

-Who's Roger?

-Gemma's Roger!

0:13:250:13:29

Oh, OK. So, about six months ago Roger goes to this house party,

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get's completely mashup, goes home with this girl

0:13:330:13:36

and she lets him activate 3G!

0:13:360:13:38

-Shit! Really?

-Yeah!

-Wow!

0:13:380:13:42

-And what does that mean exactly?

-3G.

0:13:470:13:49

You know, when you shag a girl, her mum and her gran.

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Three generations.

0:13:510:13:53

-That is...

-Amazing!

-Disgusting!

0:13:530:13:56

What a pervert. I need to tell Gemma.

0:13:560:14:00

Shit. I'm not going to see her till next week.

0:14:000:14:02

-Give me your phonecard.

-I'd love to

0:14:020:14:03

but I've already skibbed it to Black Elton for six fags

0:14:030:14:06

and a picture frame.

0:14:060:14:08

Un-skib it! De-skib it! Reverse your skib.

0:14:080:14:11

That's not how it works inside. You never go back on a deal.

0:14:110:14:14

That's like the lowest of the low.

0:14:140:14:15

It's like being a snitch or a nonce

0:14:150:14:18

or Vernon Kay.

0:14:180:14:20

Chat to Black Elton. He's a reasonable guy.

0:14:200:14:22

I'm sure you've got something he'll swap a 50p phonecard for.

0:14:220:14:24

-IN AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Ah, g'day sport!

0:14:310:14:34

I was just thinking of you. What have you been up to?

0:14:340:14:37

Really. Feels like longer than two hours ago.

0:14:370:14:41

No, no, no. I just wanted a chat really.

0:14:410:14:44

What are you doing tonight?

0:14:440:14:46

Ah, Roger,

0:14:480:14:50

Roger, Roger, Roger.

0:14:500:14:53

What was someone saying to me the other week about Roger?

0:14:530:14:55

It was really quite shocking. Jason's fine, yeah.

0:14:550:14:58

Listen, about Roger, the thing, it was really...

0:14:580:15:00

No, they got us a room together. Yeah.

0:15:000:15:04

Listen, about Roger, because I don't have a huge amount of phone credit,

0:15:040:15:09

so I was talking about Roger...

0:15:090:15:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

0:15:110:15:14

Stop talking because Roger fucked a girl and her mum and her gran!

0:15:140:15:17

Oh, come on, that's not fair. A telltale? Me?

0:15:180:15:23

Reporting someone's wrongdoings does not make me a snitch

0:15:230:15:27

because he's done something bad, probably illegal,

0:15:270:15:29

and you expect me not to inform anyone?

0:15:290:15:32

Well, I was just wrapping up anyway.

0:15:350:15:38

I must get the recipe for these nuggets.

0:15:470:15:50

-What would you call this sauce?

-That's ketchup.

0:15:500:15:53

I'm not going to stand for this.

0:15:550:15:57

People out there thinking my roomie's a snitch.

0:15:570:15:59

I'm just going to enjoy all of this extra food.

0:16:010:16:04

All of this snitch nonsense will be over in ten minutes.

0:16:040:16:07

Can I just say, so brave of you coming out on your first day here.

0:16:070:16:12

-You're a credit to snitches everywhere.

-I'm not a sn...

0:16:120:16:15

OK, I know what we need to do.

0:16:190:16:20

We need to find the biggest guy in here and...

0:16:200:16:23

Yeah, yeah, yeah, kick his face off.

0:16:230:16:25

I was going to say, "Become best friends with him,"

0:16:250:16:28

but your idea's much better. Beat the shit out of him.

0:16:280:16:30

That sends out a clear message. Nobody fucks with Lulu's mob.

0:16:300:16:34

This isn't Avengers Assemble. There's no such thing as Lulu's mob.

0:16:340:16:39

OK, fine,

0:16:390:16:42

but I need to know the new gang name by Friday.

0:16:420:16:44

Tattoo day.

0:16:440:16:45

There's your man. Take him down and, remember,

0:16:470:16:50

-punch upwards so his nose shoots up and explodes his brain.

-Get down.

0:16:500:16:54

What would Gemma say if she knew I let you get killed?

0:16:540:16:56

I think she'd say, "You should definitely listen to Jason's plan.

0:16:560:16:59

-"He's a genius."

-She wouldn't and what's wrong

0:16:590:17:03

with keeping our heads down?

0:17:030:17:06

Nothing, if you don't mind being that guy's personal penis carriage.

0:17:060:17:09

-I can't look after you 9/11.

-It's 24/7, mate.

0:17:090:17:12

-That sounds more doable. Right, fine, I'll do it myself, yeah?

-No!

0:17:120:17:16

Guys...

0:17:200:17:23

Dudes...

0:17:230:17:24

Before this goes any further,

0:17:260:17:28

there's been a huge misunderstanding.

0:17:280:17:30

There's no misunderstanding here.

0:17:300:17:32

I just see a snitch who's about to get chopped up

0:17:320:17:36

and fed to his boyfriend.

0:17:360:17:37

-Before anyone starts chopping, can I just explain myself?

-I'm listening.

0:17:370:17:44

If the Volturi never listened,

0:17:440:17:45

there were wouldn't be a vampire left in Forks.

0:17:450:17:48

-Well, I'm not...

-Hang on a minute. You're not Team Jacob, are you?

0:17:520:17:57

One of those dick-sniffing werewolf lovers?

0:17:570:18:01

No.

0:18:010:18:03

You've very much got me wrong because Team Jacob,

0:18:030:18:06

they're werewolves.

0:18:060:18:08

I mean, they're so unnecessarily hairy and giving at all of that,

0:18:080:18:12

"Oh." They're wankers. They're idiots. No.

0:18:120:18:16

Yeah, trust me, like, Bella would never fancy a werewolf.

0:18:160:18:19

I mean, who wants a boyfriend who can lick his own anus?

0:18:190:18:23

It's so good to meet another Twilighter, man.

0:18:230:18:26

You know, most of these lot

0:18:260:18:28

couldn't even name me one member of the Denali coven.

0:18:280:18:31

Joyce.

0:18:360:18:37

I like you, man.

0:18:420:18:43

You know what? I could do with having someone like you on board.

0:18:430:18:47

When I read me New Moons and that.

0:18:470:18:50

Oh, you're replacing m-m-m-m....

0:18:500:18:56

-Yes, I'd love to.

-All right, gay-time's over.

0:18:560:18:58

Are you going to smack him or what?

0:18:580:19:00

No, can't I just talk to my new best friend about our shared love

0:19:000:19:03

-of the Twilight Saga?

-Yeah.

-Twilight? No, we hate Twilight.

0:19:030:19:08

What was that ting you always used to say about Twilight?

0:19:080:19:11

-There was no ting.

-Yes, there was.

0:19:110:19:13

You said it was like eating dog shit,

0:19:130:19:15

shitting out that shit and robbing the new shit...

0:19:150:19:17

You betrayed me! Just like...

0:19:170:19:19

Yeah, like the goblins betrayed the monkeys, we get it, yeah?

0:19:190:19:22

-You disrespected my best friend.

-We're not really best friends.

0:19:220:19:25

So, we are going to take you down.

0:19:250:19:29

-You and the snitch?

-My boy's not a snitch.

0:19:290:19:31

-Sex offender, maybe.

-Just oral.

0:19:310:19:34

Fine. Ready when you are.

0:19:340:19:37

Well, now is very awkward for us, actually, because we've got a thing.

0:19:370:19:41

-You've got a thing?

-Yes.

-OK.

0:19:410:19:44

-No problem, seven o'clock then.

-Done!

0:19:440:19:46

Cheerio!

0:19:530:19:55

Fuck!

0:19:560:19:58

We missed pudding.

0:19:590:20:01

-Still worried about Roger?

-I had actually forgotten about that.

0:20:070:20:09

-He's trying to have sex with Gemma?

-Thanks for the reminder.

0:20:090:20:13

I was actually more concerned about this evening's... My death.

0:20:130:20:16

Don't get your nipples in a Twix.

0:20:160:20:18

-While you were fingering your teddy...

-It's a souvenir.

0:20:180:20:20

I've been putting together a gang.

0:20:200:20:22

The hardest, maddest bastards in this joint,

0:20:220:20:25

all tooled up and itching for war,

0:20:250:20:27

but if you can manage without them, I'll send them away. Sorry, guys!

0:20:270:20:30

Oh, fine, bring them in.

0:20:300:20:32

Come on, lads! Avengers assemble!

0:20:320:20:35

I think we've all met before.

0:20:380:20:40

Luke, Black Elton John, Isaac, or, as he is known in here,

0:20:400:20:43

-The Other Snitch.

-Well, who's the other sn...

0:20:430:20:47

Yes. How are we going to beat Marcel? He's got an army of 30 men.

0:20:470:20:51

No, he hasn't got 30 men. He's only got 29.

0:20:510:20:53

Massive Steve's still in solitary for biting through a door.

0:20:530:20:56

Right, weapons. I couldn't get you shotguns at such short notice

0:20:560:20:59

but I've gone and got you second best.

0:20:590:21:01

All right, third best.

0:21:040:21:05

Are these from the gym? Does Creg know you've got these?

0:21:070:21:10

Bravo, Jason.

0:21:100:21:11

Not only is this the most awful plan anyone has ever heard of,

0:21:110:21:14

you've managed to put the icing on this fuckwit-ted cake

0:21:140:21:17

by not even organising enough rackets for the four of us

0:21:170:21:19

to hold whilst we die.

0:21:190:21:21

Who's this fourth guy? I'm just here to supply the weapons.

0:21:210:21:23

-Jesus Christ.

-Guys, guys, guys, it's not about the number of us

0:21:230:21:28

or the weapons in our hands. It's about what's in here.

0:21:280:21:31

Did David not doubt himself before he went off to defeat Godzilla?

0:21:330:21:37

I'm going to have to sort this out myself, aren't I?

0:21:370:21:39

If you're not back in time, you'll miss your slot.

0:21:390:21:41

We use a wanking rota.

0:21:420:21:43

-All right, snitch?

-I'm not a snitch.

0:21:500:21:52

Gentlemen, we deeply regret having fallen short on this occasion.

0:21:550:22:01

Your custom is extremely valuable to us

0:22:010:22:04

and I'm sure that we can work together to find

0:22:040:22:07

a mutually acceptable and non-batter-ly solution.

0:22:070:22:10

I don't see why not. We're all reasonable people.

0:22:120:22:15

-Apart from Massive Steve, obviously. Nice to have you back, mate.

-Hello.

0:22:170:22:21

We'll just fuck you up quickly now, then.

0:22:210:22:23

No need to involve your friend,

0:22:230:22:25

unless you'd rather the full-scale war this evening.

0:22:250:22:28

I was looking forward to wearing your cell-mate's skin as a onesie.

0:22:280:22:32

OK, do it, but absolutely no penis parking.

0:22:350:22:39

I've just eaten and you've got to wait for two hours.

0:22:390:22:42

-Evening, pumpkins.

-Creg, great to see you!

0:22:420:22:45

-It's Creg.

-Hmm?

0:22:450:22:47

I trust you're all playing nicely.

0:22:470:22:49

We're just ch-ch-chatting to the f-f-f-f...

0:22:490:22:54

Fucking prick?

0:22:540:22:55

I think he was actually going for fucking snitch.

0:22:550:22:57

Anything you wanted to tell Creg

0:22:570:23:01

or happy for him to be on his way?

0:23:010:23:03

We were just having a lovely chat, thanks.

0:23:080:23:11

Great. Toodle-pip, then.

0:23:110:23:13

Don't go! They're going to kill me and turn me into leisurewear!

0:23:160:23:20

-Is this true?

-Yeah.

0:23:200:23:23

I'm very glad you felt you could tell me that, Luke.

0:23:230:23:26

Some people, they don't like to snitch.

0:23:260:23:29

All right, you've got two minutes, lads. Don't punch his face.

0:23:290:23:32

-Come on, guv.

-No, actually, you might want to have a little stamp

0:23:320:23:35

on his tongue. Stop him licking out people's very close friends.

0:23:350:23:42

You disgust me.

0:23:420:23:44

LUKE GROANS

0:23:460:23:48

I do hope this hasn't spoilt your first day, chicken.

0:23:480:23:51

Back straight, swing from the hips.

0:23:590:24:02

-Jesus, you OK?

-Yeah.

0:24:040:24:07

Absolutely terrific. Tickety-fucking-boo.

0:24:070:24:11

Excellent. I need to show you how to backhand someone's balls

0:24:110:24:14

into their shitpipe.

0:24:140:24:15

What the fuck is wrong with you, you monumental prick?

0:24:150:24:20

All I want to do is stop my girlfriend from hating me

0:24:200:24:25

and get through this without being skinned or violated

0:24:250:24:30

or used as a storage unit for pool equipment!

0:24:300:24:35

ALARM BLARES

0:24:380:24:39

All I want to do is keep my fucking head down!

0:24:390:24:44

229 in G15.

0:24:440:24:46

Target has been neutralised. Stand down on the dogs.

0:24:490:24:52

Maybe bring a couple of Tasers just in case.

0:24:520:24:54

You can say goodbye to your visiting rights for this.

0:24:540:24:57

Do you play, Miss?

0:24:570:24:59

If you ever fancy a knock up.

0:24:590:25:00

Gems, before you say anything,

0:25:110:25:14

I just need to apologise.

0:25:140:25:16

No, it's me who should be apologising.

0:25:160:25:19

I completely understand why you were worried.

0:25:190:25:23

I mean, he is quite good looking.

0:25:230:25:25

-It's just... It's only because I care so much.

-I love you too, Lukey.

0:25:270:25:32

And everything is going to be completely fine.

0:25:320:25:35

-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-You bloody galah.

0:25:350:25:38

These visits keep me going. Let's never miss another one again.

0:25:380:25:43

Of course not.

0:25:430:25:44

Next week might be tricky, though.

0:25:450:25:47

It's Roger's birthday party and I kind of already promised I'd go.

0:25:470:25:52

-That's OK.

-Thank you. It's just everyone's going.

0:25:540:25:58

He's even invited Mum and Gran.

0:25:580:26:00

They can't wait to meet him.

0:26:000:26:02

There's nothing you can do to make up for getting me sent here.

0:26:040:26:08

-I meant to make up for the wet patch on your bed.

-You remember Roger?

0:26:080:26:11

You mean the Roger who's trying to get into my girlfriend's body.

0:26:110:26:15

-He's doing a French GCSE.

-We do do an A Level.

-Great, I'll do that.

0:26:150:26:18

-Latin.

-We're going to start having some fun.

0:26:180:26:21

Do you mean you're going to bum me?

0:26:210:26:24

If you're up to something, you know that I will find out.

0:26:240:26:28

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