Episode 2 Crims

How do you have so much money? Am I your getaway driver?

To be honest, more my getty-caught driver.

Which part of "I never want to see you henceforth"

-did you not understand?

-Henceforth.

-You can't make me stay with him.

-He described you as his bezzie!

He's my girlfriend's brother, he's a nightmare.

-You get here OK, then?

-Yeah, Roger dropped me.

Gemma's going on about some guy called Roger.

Yeah, top bloke!

Oh, it's so good to meet another Twilighter, man.

Want to read me New Moon tonight?

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language

"Aro furrowed his brow.

"He narrowed his gaze at the blue-eyed youth and whispered

" 'Nahuel, you must be...' "

Sorry, sorry.

-IN A DEEP VOICE:

-" 'Nahuel, you must be centuries old.' "

"Nahuel replied...

-IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-" 'Ooh, 170 to the nearest decade.' "

What's the big hurry? Is there somewhere else you'd rather be?

Not at all.

How could my life possibly get...?

Argh!

Here we go!

Shall we continue?

"The forest went deadly silent..."

-RIPPING

-" 'Behind you!' screamed Aro."

And there was a slight ripping sound and then everyone was OK.

-The end.

-Really?

I know, what a cliffhanger!

Right, I'm going to really miss our evenings together, boys.

Me too. You're much better at this than Daz was.

Oi! That's not f-f-f-f...

Let me get out of your hair. I've got plenty I need to be doing.

..fair!

Didn't hear you come in last night. Care to tell me where you was?

I was at what's hopefully my last ever reading and beating session.

How did you get out of it? Did you use my plan?

Yes, I did. Thanks for that. I just used the blueprints you gave me

and now Marcel and Daz are both dead,

courtesy of your gun robot.

I told you Robo-Linda wouldn't let you down!

Left hole - gun time, right hole - fun time!

Course I didn't build your...

-I used my own plan.

-Bruv, you've got to trust the Plan Man.

You know what they call me?

Planton du Beke.

Plan Collymore. The late Nelson Plandela.

Right, boys, have you made your mind up?

I think I'm going to go with Plangela Plansbury.

The mandatory academic programme starts this morning.

I need to know which course you're taking.

I've been thinking about this mandatory training thing, Miss,

and I think I'm going to give it a swerve.

-Might do some sightseeing. Catch some rays.

-It's mandatory.

Yeah, everyone SAYS it's brilliant.

It's compulsory, like...

..non-optional.

You have to do it.

OK, OK.

Advanced Samurai.

-Try again.

-Fine.

Intermediate Samurai.

What, you've not seen my skills?

I'm absolutely mandatory at it.

Helicopter maintenance!

Right, this is the list.

You, you need to choose something from the list.

Lost something?

No, not that I can think of.

Oh, my TV remote...

from my old TV...

that I threw away...at home.

Nah, no, I just found it in the...

you know, round, round there in the back of the thing.

Ah, the academic programme.

So many wonderful options to consider...

and reject.

The answer's 7C - Creg's Life Skills class.

Got a lot of wisdom to spread.

I've certainly rubbed off on Dawn.

Which brings us to Junction 11, Hilton Park,

very much the jewel in the crown of the Moto Services portfolio.

It contains the royal flush of Burger King,

Costa Coffee, M&S Simply Food...

-You see?

-I don't see. This is a shit plan.

It's a GREAT plan, you'll see.

-What does everyone call me?

-Stumphead.

Stumphead and the shitty dwarf.

What most people don't know about Junction 11 is that

it was the first service station to introduce the Dyson Airblade.

I think you'll all agree we've come a long way

since the dark days of the rolling cloth.

How is this at all good?

It's the only course with no exams, no coursework

-and shitloads of free credits.

-Yes! Get in!

Ah, I see we've got another fan of enzyme-free urinal cakes

in the room, huh?

-AS HUMPHREY BOGART:

-"You stick with me, kid,

"we're going to have some fun, see!"

-That's great!

-It's more than great.

I get all these extra visits, and all I have to do is sit back and

listen to the insane ramblings of a clearly emotionally distressed man.

Lukey boy, I've got a treat for you later.

F Wing toilets are all out of cakes.

-Do you fancy helping me choose from the catalogue?

-Sure thing.

Plus, it's the only course where you don't have exams.

Bish bash bosh!

Well, it wouldn't do any harm if you got a qualification

while you're in here. It's just... You remember Roger?

You mean, the Roger who's trying to get into my girlfriend's...

-body?

-The Roger who's my very supportive friend,

who Luke needs to be less paranoid about.

No, I don't remember that one.

Well, he's doing a French GCSE.

-It's going to help him get a promotion.

-French?

-It's the language of love.

-Italian's the language of love.

French is the language of horse-eating and racism.

I'm just saying he's bettering himself,

be nice if you could do the same.

Well, if you'd let me get a word in

you'd realise I was in the middle of telling you

that my course isn't fulfilling enough

and that I'm in the middle of switching to an A-level

in a subject much less babyish than French.

That's brilliant, Lukey! Why didn't you say so before?

That's really going to open doors in Australia, jobwise.

Lucky that I'm doing an A-level

rather than a silly little French GCSE, then.

Some of us already know the words to Frere Jacques.

-It's not a competition.

-Of course it's not.

Roger's French quiz sounds a lot of fun. GCSE.

Puzzle, whatever.

It's hardly an A-level, is it?

In my subject, my difficult and beloved subject.

No...

I mean, there aren't any A-levels.

Now, listen, love, I know you want to stretch yourself academically

but I'm just not sure your brain's that stretchy.

Well, if I fail, I fail.

Well, we've got plenty of GCSEs you can fail. French, maybe?

-The language of love.

-Fine, thanks,

you've just single-handedly destroyed my relation...

Beg your pardon, stand corrected, Dawn, we do do an A-level!

-Great! I'll do that!

-Latin.

Perfect! The language of no-one.

Six exams and a 20,000-word essay.

-Every month.

-Still fine.

It's an A-level, that'll look good on the old CV.

I think Australia's really calling out for Popes.

Oh, I was just going to find you! You'll enjoy this.

-Ugh!

-30-day freshness guarantee? I don't think so, Saniblox.

The state of these - only been used a week!

Well, that's unacceptable.

Tell you what, after Life Skills tomorrow, the two of us

-will draft them an e-mail - shake them right up.

-We must, yeah!

Ah, that's a shame cos Luke's just switched to Latin A-level.

-Did I, really?

-You're just going to leave?

I just thought I should use my time in here to get a real qualification.

-Are you trying to tell me a CregTEC isn't a real qualification?

-What?

They're recognised by an increasing number of employers.

-So your dad's signed up now, has he?

-All but!

You're going to regret this. I had high hopes for you,

but you've just pissed all over me

and you've pissed all over my urinal cakes.

And nobody pisses on...

..me.

Did you get the lesson sorted or do you need me to fix it for you?

Yep, I've landed myself a Latin A-level.

And for the record, I never, ever need your help with anything.

Well, if you ever need my help with anything,

it would be the least I can do to make things up to you.

There's nothing you can do to make up for getting me sent here.

No, I meant to make up for the wet patch on your bed.

Really? Oh, why, Jason?!

Change of scenery. We all need a holiday wank sometimes.

It's not a thing. Why's everybody trying to ruin my life?

Hey, turn that frown o-o-off!

You're getting an A-level. That's equivalent of, like, two CregTECs.

Knowledge is power in here, bruv. No-one's going to fuck with you now.

You're a dead man!

-What have I done?

-Not you, Stumphead!

Good afternoon, gentlemen. To what do I owe this murder?

I keep thinking about the ending of the book.

It doesn't make sense.

Really? In what way?

-We never found out what happened to Bella's baby.

-Oh, well, the baby...

-Or Bella. Or Edward. Or Jacob.

-Brilliant, wasn't it?

The way it was left deliciously open...

for the reader to draw his or her own conclusions.

Are you trying to tell me that Bella falls in love with her own baby,

and then has a baby with her own baby

and that baby becomes the overlord of the entire universe?

But then it dies in a horrific speedboat accident.

I think that was very much implied.

Fucking told you guys! Apologise to the shitty dwarf.

I'm s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s...

-Sorry...?

-Don't complete their sentences, bruv.

It's bad for their self-esteem.

You can let go of him now. Laters, Dick Squad.

HE IMITATES A MACHINE GUN

HE SCREAMS

HE SCREAMS AND IMITATES A MACHINE GUN

And what's this?!

IN ROBOTIC VOICE: I'm Robo-Linda. I am a brilliant idea.

Oh, I checked.

19 years since we last had a boy do Latin A-level in here.

Hopefully you'll last a bit longer than he did -

think he found the coursework a bit much.

-He dropped out?

-Yeah, we had to put bars on the windows after that.

Only suicide note we've ever had in an ancient language.

Ah, Luke, tell me...

when was the last time you had two fingers

of a fruity 70-year-old inside you?

Right, well, I tried.

Not a port man, eh? Oh, well, suit yourself.

So you want to learn Latin?

Well, let's kick off with a mock A-level paper, shall we?

See what stage you're at.

Here's the thing. I'm more at the...

never-done-any-Latin-ever stage.

What the hell are you doing here, then?

I made a promise to my girlfriend that I'd get an A-level.

HE CRIES

Yeah, girlfriend.

Sorry about that.

I'm completely off the market.

You know, you seem like a nice guy and...

Cherish her, Luke, she won't be there forever.

One day you'll wake up and her cold body will be lying next to you,

dead from a massive cerebral aneurism.

I think Gemma's got a few years left in her.

Oh, you're talking about your...

My darling Angie.

Snatched from me last week...

and just 82.

Why would you do this, God?

So do we start with a bit of vocab?

-Fuck Latin!

-Right.

Yes, Latin won't bring Angie back!

I've got to live my life.

You and me, Luke...

we're going to start having some fun.

Do you mean you're going to bum me?

I'm a Latin teacher, not a Geography teacher.

Now, be a good chap and switch the rugger on.

Don't I have to do coursework and lots of exams?

Someone's not living their life.

I shall take care of all the form-filling.

Now, young Luke, let's get you an A, shall we?

# And we can build this dream together

# Standing strong forever

# Nothing's gonna stop us now

# And if this world runs out of lovers

# We'll still have each other

# Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us

# Ooh, all that I need is you... #

Well, that's your first lesson done.

-I love Latin!

-I wonder if you'd take these bloody credits?

They're clogging up my drawers.

Is that enough?

That looks about right.

-Same time tomorrow?

-Was Virgil an Etruscan?

I've got literally no idea.

Two!

One to hold the ladder, and one to fetch an A-level student

who's actually qualified to change it!

No, I'm not talking about Roger.

I'm talking about GCSE French students in general.

-Come on, you've been on the phone ages.

-Sorry, do you need to use it?

Oh, no, I'm just saying if you've got bare credits,

-I've got a deal on special DVDs.

-One sec.

Triple penetration for the price of double penetration.

No, thank you, I've got all of the Latin DVDs I need,

thank you very much, Black Elton John.

How about some new trainers instead of them shits?

-You sold me these four days ago!

-What?

So jobwise...

I could go High Court Judge,

but I don't want to totally rule out being a spy at this stage.

Oh, erm, let me call you back.

No, no, it's fine, I've got thousands of...

I've got just enough phone credits.

Latin everything you dreamed it would be, buttercup?

It's tough...

really tough.

In fact, I've got to go now

and finish my essay on...

..Latin.

If you're up to something, you know that I will find out.

They're in HD, bruv.

And these ones, they don't even have my mum in.

-Lulu.

-Yes?

Is Latin the same thing as maths?

No, Jason, Latin is the language of the Ancient Romans.

Thank God! You see, I'm doing an A-level in it

-and I'm terrible at maths.

-What? No! Why?

Think how fun it'll be, a chance for us to hang out every day -

imagine the laughs!

Jason, I'm currently with you for 23 hours of every day,

not one of which is blessed with the tiniest chuckle.

I have one hour without you.

Can't you see what they're doing? They're trying to keep us apart.

-No, they're not, I am!

-I've thought long and hard about this.

I wouldn't just chuck away a CregTEC for no reason.

Besides, I've had this lattoo done.

-Lattoo?

-Yeah, it's Latin for tattoo.

-Oh, God!

-Black Elton was doing two for the price of one.

Listen, Jason, you'll hate it there because it's all coursework

and it's exams and the teacher is violent and pervy!

-I heard that was geography?

-No, no, Latin as well.

-Who'd want to do that class?

-Exactly.

-Sounds terrible!

Thank you...

Yeah, I'm definitely going to come along to protect my Lulu.

Me and the boys are going to chop off that teacher's head

-and shit down his leg.

-You shit down his neck.

-Nah, neck's tricky, bruv. You'd have to get in there and...

-No boys!

-No-one's coming!

-I'm not going to stand around...

OK, OK, I'll tell you the truth about Latin.

But you need to promise me that you don't tell a single soul, right?

Creg's already getting suspicious.

Absolutely, bruv.

Mum's the world.

Mum is the WORD.

Fuck's sake!

Oh, listen.

What I'm about to tell you, you must not tell anyone.

Isaac! You found it all right, then?

Oh, halle-fucking-lujah! You've told the biggest snitch in the place.

-Don't be unfair. Isaac can keep a secret, can't you?

-No.

-But you're prepared to try?

-Still no.

-Just for today?

-I'm not making any promises.

-JASON CLAPS SLOWLY

That's all we can ask for. He's going to try.

Ah, three fresh faces!

I would normally set new students a mock paper,

but if Luke has taught me one thing,

it's to live life to the full.

You, get the paintball kit out of that cupboard.

And you, that keg isn't going to pour itself.

Now, is anyone a vegetarian?

Sir, how do you say, "This is fucking awesome," in Latvian?

Black Elton, quote me for a new tracksuit.

Outside - gold leather...

-This is not what we talked about!

-..inside - iPads.

Don't flash your credits in public, Creg will close us down.

Money is power. Think of the influence we can buy ourselves.

No, we can't. I really need this A-level.

-I could lose my girlfriend over this.

-Oh, my God, I'd ruin that.

Really? She's a five. Six max.

-She's your sister.

-I was only trying to be nice.

Someone's been telling me bullshit stories.

They are a bit samey, aren't they?

Daz's brother seen the latest Twilight film.

Daz...

tell him how the film ends.

W-w-w-w-w-w...

Completely different, that's how it ends.

If you've been lying to me, I'm going to force-feed you this book

page by page. Do you understand?

I do hate it when the film isn't true to the original book

because these Hollywood bigwigs start meddling...

Also, someone's ripped out loads of pages from the back.

What?

I think we all know what's happened here, don't we, dick splat?

Marcel, honestly, I don't...

Those lads on S Wing gave me a duff copy. They are all dead.

That would seem to be the only possible explanation.

I could probably get you a new copy for ten credits.

-Can you do it for eight?

-Boss, I've got overheads to think of!

-You're doing it!

-Boys, boys, boys!

What have we become, arguing over a few pennies?

This one's on me.

Money is power.

Wow.

That's an extremely generous gesture.

You are clearly a man of gargantuan influence, eh?

Now, give me all your credits.

Now tell me where you got them.

Fine, we got them in Latin class!

See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

See you boys in...

Latin.

What did you tell him for?

He's such a hypocrite.

I think we both know why we're here.

I'm down five scholars for tomorrow's class.

You're going to tell me right now why people would suddenly

lose interest in Argos catalogues from the 1980s.

They wouldn't, they couldn't!

Is it me?

Was urinal cakes all a lie?

No, it's not you, it's me.

I've always known that there's a hole in my heart

where there should be Latin.

And Mr Dunlop, he's just an old man who puts it into my hole.

I thought that was geography.

Sorry to bother you.

If you're still looking for that swimming costume from your locker,

I think we're going to have to assume it's gone forever.

OK, your visitor's outside.

And you asked me to let you know if another student switched to Latin.

Another one? Who was it?

It's Marcel

and Daz.

Massive Steve, Lewis, Philip, Gregory and Esteban.

I'll let your visitor in.

Ah, Luke!

I was meaning to ask you, I nodded off in the cheese course.

What did you make of the Muscadet?

# Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques Doo-bee-doo, doo-bee-doo... #

-What the fuck is wrong with you?

-Are you all right, old chap?

Maybe somebody overdid it with the Madeira...

# Solomon and Tina Solomon and Tina. #

Say one more word and you're losing three months' visits.

You, tell me right now what's going on in this class.

ALARM BLARES

RADIO: 'Code 114 to West Wing, 30-inmate disturbance.'

You coming? They're really kicking off out there.

Apparently there aren't enough class transfer request forms to go around!

This is not over.

Right, maybe I'll pay your little class a visit tomorrow.

-I wouldn't want you to miss your own class.

-I will.

-Please don't.

-OK.

I still will!

Sir, he's trying to shut us down.

He's somehow under the impression that we're not studying Latin.

Then, we shall tell him we're living our lives.

We'll not be shackled by him and his little rules.

We could do that, yes.

Or we could crack open that little mock paper you were talking about.

-I don't follow you.

-If Creg doesn't see some pretty solid Latin,

I can forget about living my life forever.

Then, that's what we shall do! A brilliant plan. But alas...

I've left the rotten things in my place in the Lake District.

Well, is there no way you can get them by tomorrow?

-Dear boy, it's hundreds of miles away.

-There must be a way!

I mean, seize the moment, live your life!

Don't do it for me, do it for yourself!

No! Do it for Agnes.

-My dental hygienist?

-No, no, your wife.

-She's called Angie.

-Will you do it?

-Was Virgil an Etruscan?

-Well, actually I don't know.

Tonight, I will dust down the old MG!

This takes me back to my geography days.

I did warn you this would happen if you went around telling everyone.

You told 90% of these people.

That is true. But who told me?

-Shit, we've got to get rid of them all.

-I've kind of got that covered.

Quiet, I'm trying to think of a plan.

Crap! Robo-Linda's laser cannons won't work.

Her swivel isn't designed for flooring like this!

As magnificent and plausible as your plans are,

I've enacted one of my own,

something a bit dramatic to scare everyone off.

But don't be upset at me when you hear the announcement.

I did this for a reason.

Mr Dunlop died last night in a terrible car accident on the A53.

The police are still trying to establish why a one-eyed cripple

in his 70s would decide to drive an un-roadworthy car

through a storm at 2am.

Creg has kindly offered to give you emergency Life Skills classes

until we can find you a new Latin teacher.

Gentlemen, if you'd like to open your textbooks at page 389 -

electric typewriters.

Marcel, if you'd like to start us off with the Olivetti 660.

What did you do that for?

That's not a good plan, bruv, that's a shit plan.

Why didn't you...

Plangela Plansbury?

You owe me free shit.

You said there was free shit.

Let the Plan Man handle this.

There used to be free shit in Latin.

There is no longer free shit in Latin.

This is because a man has died.

Whether or not Luke killed this man is not entirely clear.

-I really didn't.

-So you claim.

Now, I know you've been a bit upset, Marcel,

so I got you something to cheer you up.

I found the missing pages to your book so you can get back

to your fairy tales.

Well, that does cheer me up, Stumphead.

-CHOKING:

-Great job. Well done, Jason.

Now, I'm sure you gents have places to be.

-Where did you find this?

-They were just under his mattress.

I felt them digging into my balls.

It nearly spoiled my holiday wank, it was all-inclusive -

-by which I mean I had my finger up my...

-Ow!

-..anus.

-Jason told me what you did.

-I didn't do it!

-Luke, it's me, don't lie.

-I really didn't do it!

-I actually think it's kind of cool that you...

-I didn't kill anybody!

-..tried to help him get an A-level.

-Yes, yes, I did help him.

-And shall I ignore...?

-Please.

He said you're building a sexy robot together.

That is literally just in his brain.

-And she's primarily a weapon.

-OK...

Shame about the A-level, but you'll still get a job, though.

-Something.

-I just feel like I've let you down, though.

No, don't be silly!

-I know how tough A-levels are, Roger told me.

-Eh?

Yeah, you inspired him to sign up for one himself.

-How...fantastic.

-Yeah, he was working so hard, poor thing.

But his flatmates were making so much noise,

-he couldn't study in the evenings.

-So he's dropped out?

-Moved out.

Plus it's good for me to be able to split the bills.

HE GAGS

Luke?

HE CONTINUES TO GAG

Luke? Luke, what is it?

Christ!

I thought I'd be on chapter six by now.

Her friend Roger needed to stay for a few nights - big deal.

-What DO you mean he's not moved out?

-He's my flatmate, end of story.

You got to propose, it will work.

I swear on my dad's muff.

There's more interesting things you can do than sit around gambling.

Yeah, but I've done that three times today and it's starting to chafe.

It's not right him staying, that's your fiancee.

I don't care how good in bed he is.

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little derring-do

# I'll fall in love with you

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little derring-do

# I'll fall in love with you

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little derring-do

# I'll fall in love with you. #