Episode 3 Crims

This programme contains some strong language

-Am I your getaway driver?

-More my getty-caught driver.

-Remember Roger?

-Roger who's trying to get into my girlfriend's body?

-She's a five. Six max.

-She's your sister!

So you think this refers to Great, Great Uncle Fergal Holmes?

'I just can't believe what great, great Uncle Fergal went through.

'Suffering shellshock in the squalor of the trenches,

'before finally perishing in the Somme.'

YES! THE SOMME!

Oi, pay up, Elt! Should've listened to me.

It's never going to be syphilis two weeks in a row.

I knew it was going to be that.

And yet, once again, you plumped for "killed by dinosaurs".

How was that ever going to happen?

Trampled on or breathed on with fire?

Here, pay up, mate, that's 15 credits.

-Lulu, do me a favour and lend me it.

-You haven't paid me back

all those credits you lost on Jessica Ennis!

I still reckon she tucks it between her legs.

I'm not lending you any more money, Jason.

100 credits back at you

to get that...object we discussed.

Already on it, Marce!

-Shit's about to get fucking real in here.

-Come on, Lulu.

Fine.

There are plenty more interesting things you can do in here

than sit around gambling.

-Yeah, but I've done that three times already today and it's starting to chafe.

-Urgh!

Ten credits says I can do 12 before it bleeds.

Urgh!

Why are we going to the visiting hall this way?

It's just a security thing today. Fuck.

We need to stop meeting like this. People will start talking.

Are you feeling better?

Must have been quite an asthma attack to make you get off the bus.

Yeah, yeah, I've shaken off the worst of it.

I hope it wasn't the shock of seeing me!

Well, you do live a good 12 miles from anywhere on my bus route.

-So...

-Currently.

So...I'm just taking Luke to see his girlfriend now.

Funny way round you're going.

Anyway, you look after that one, Luke.

Soul mates, they don't come around very often.

-You bet.

-Who's betting?

-I'm sorry?

-I know there's gambling going on in here.

Don't lie to me, Luke.

Dawn'll tell you, there's only one thing I hate more than gambling.

-The three minute walk from here to your flat?

-Lying.

And it's actually more like seven minutes.

That hill is deceptively steep.

I've booked you out the counselling room for later, love.

You can have the full hour so you can cry as much as you like this time.

I think you can cancel that.

My relationship's in a very good place right now.

-Well, just half an hour then?

-No, no crying.

We had a hump, but we're over it.

Her friend Roger needed to stay for a few nights. Big deal.

That was weeks ago, everything's back to normal now.

What do you mean he's not moved out?

Brian, I think we will need that hour in the counselling room after all.

You forget how hard it is for me at home without you.

It's just nice to have someone to watch telly with after work.

Unless you'd rather me be sat all alone sobbing

in front of Don't Tell The Bride.

Course I don't want that.

It is a terrible programme.

He's my flatmate, end of story.

And this time next year us two will be in Australia, won't we?

Yes, yes, we will.

It's just sometimes my thoughts run away with themselves

and start kissing on the sofa.

Babe, I miss you so much.

You've got no idea how lonely it is for me back home without you.

That's why Roger keeps talking about buying me a dog.

What do you think?

-I think he should keep his...

-Rog wants to call him Jasper.

-Noooooooo!

-Exactly what I said.

He's clearly a Monty.

What she make you cry about this time?

We mainly focused on... Mind your own fucking business.

She accidentally call you Roger again?

She didn't this time, actually. Generally.

She probably calls him Luke sometimes, you know,

when they're doing the shopping or putting the bins out

or eating spaghetti until their noses touch.

They don't do that sort of thing.

They just do normal flatmate things like...buying a dog.

Nooooooooo! Buying a dog?!

Yes.

Fuuuuuuuck!

-Mate! He's robbed my signature move!

-What do you mean?

That's my ting!

You show them your sensitive side, look at some photos of a puppy.

Next thing you know, you're having sex with her from behind.

I call it "doggy method".

Well, what am I going to do?

There's nothing you can do, mate. It's game, set and muff.

-Nobody says "muff".

-I've got it.

-There is one possible way to beat doggy method.

-Do not say "dinosaur".

Bruv, you got to propose.

It'll work. I swear on my dad's muff.

I can already think of a million better ideas than that

off the top of my head.

So...let's just say I did propose.

He'd have to move out, right?

Of course he would. It's not right him staying. That's your fiancee.

I don't care how good in bed he is.

Everything will sort itself out. She'll turf him out,

she'll kill the dog...

She won't kill the dog!

They haven't bought it yet!

Getting married is massive, though.

I'm too young to get myself locked into all that routine.

WHISTLE SOUNDS

Would she even say yes?

Course she will, bruv. You're going to move to Australia.

You love each other, it's perfect.

-I guess.

-She's always banging on about dream weddings,

you're in a constant jealous rage about everything she does.

-It's beautiful!

-What's all this about?

It's a bit of a private matter,

so if you don't mind, Black Elton John...

Yeah, sorry, Elt. This is between me and my future brother-in-law.

Oh, are you going to propose to Gemma?

I'll give you 50-1 she says yes.

I'll have some of that!

This is my relationship we're talking about!

And why are you giving me such shitty odds anyway?

Come on, Lulu, don't listen to him.

This is not about me and it's not about Black Elton John.

It's about two people and two people alone.

I know, I know.

So when are you going to ask them?

-What? Who?

-My folks of course.

Gem wants it traditional, you know that.

Got to come correct, get their permission.

Your mum's cool with me,

but sorry if I'm being paranoid,

I've always suspected that your dad doesn't really like me.

Mate! What are you talking about?

Of course you're not being paranoid. He hates you.

Yo, Black Elt. You got something for me?

I don't like doing this in public, Marce.

I've been looking forward to this.

Say hello to my little friend.

Something funny, boys?

No, no.

Sometimes I giggle when I'm...

-jealous.

-Awesome doll, bruv.

Keep your fucking hands off it.

And it's a limited edition Twilight figurine actually.

Semi-official, losers.

GUARD CHUCKLES

That is funny! That has cheered me right up, that has.

You're killing me.

But seriously, munchkin,

what can you tell me about the gambling?

I mean it. I'm not snitching any more.

I've been clean since this morning.

Are there cameras in here? Am I being Punk'd?

You don't know what they do to snitches in here.

Don't do this to me, Isaac,

not when there's gambling going on here.

You're the most natural-born snitch I've ever met.

Don't throw it away over some crazy dream.

I'm sorry, Guv, my mind's made up.

I've got a little story about the disease called gambling.

Is it actually little?

Picture a normal 12-year-old boy.

Not normal, unusually handsome.

His dad, he liked to gamble.

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

Started small, a few quid here and there,

didn't feel like a problem.

And then one day that boy's dad,

that popular boy's dad...

..decided to bet the family house on the 6.20 at Newmarket.

75-1 it was.

Ridiculous odds.

I can still remember the name of the h...

The boy can still remember the name of the horse...

-The boy was me.

-Yeah, I did have an inkling.

Well, I'm sorry you lost your house.

No, he won.

He bought a big house in Spain.

But on the day they were meant to leave they were very rushed

and somehow

they forgot to take me.

Like in Home Alone?

Exactly like in Home Alone.

Except that I'm an only child.

And I didn't see 'em for nine years.

And I went into care.

Oh, my God!

Which is why there is only one thing I hate more than gambling.

-I want to say your parents...

-Banana Pudding.

That was the name of the horse.

Damn, I missed that bit out, didn't I?

Get out!

Thank you for seeing me, Mr and Mrs Gardner.

IMITATING HIS DAD: I really, really HATE you.

You're not helping, Jason.

Just tell me how to get them on board.

Jason's not here, I'm afraid.

This is his dad

and I speak exactly like this.

Tell me, how is my son Jason doing?

He's been nominated for Twat Of The Year, so that is something.

Is he the fun-est person you know?

I presume you want a yes?

You're definitely going to make him best man then?

I haven't asked you that yet, Mr Gardner.

Oh, yes. Good point.

It's just that he's got some amazing ideas for the stag do

and has already written some of the speech.

Would you like to hear it?

Actually...no.

I'm going to do an impression of Jason now.

CLEARS THROAT

"Ladies and gentlemen,

"I know you think Luke's a bit of a bell-end,

-"but, do you know what ..."

-Jason!

Try and do an impression of someone who's not going to completely fuck up my life!

Your parents are coming on Tuesday.

Are they going to give me permission to marry Gemma?

-Nah, bruv.

-Thank you.

Next question.

Why are they not going to give me permission?

Jason might have accidentally told me it's your fault he's in here.

I didn't get you in here!

-That is the OPPOSITE of what happened.

-Or is it?

-YES!

-Now your hair, are you going to go with it like that...

-JASON!

-Look, I couldn't tell my dad.

You know he's a proper scary bastard

and he was already pissed off with me cos I used his razor on my balls.

Why would you do that?

Plus he's having to look after my nine dogs now.

What nine dogs?

It's a tiny little glitch with the doggy method.

Right, here's what's going to happen.

Immediately before I see your parents, you're going to go in

and you're going to tell them that I am a very innocent

and very eligible young man.

And that the reason we're both in here is that you,

and you alone, thought that it would be fun to rob a bank.

I'm not entirely sure that's part of the best man's job.

# Four walls and a cauldron of Kalashnikoving

# And our home is a trigger that I'm always pulling

# At the border At the, at the border

# I'm at the border At the, at the border

# The short spears and the weak eternal monologuing

# And our war is the crucible of all your longing

# At the border At the, at the border

# I'm at the border At the, at the border... #

I don't know what you're worried about, love.

They'll see you're not some worthless jailbird. You've got...

nice, wet hair.

Can you pop your head in and check how Jason's doing?

They'll only be a minute.

Shall I get some paper towels? Cos I might be able to mop up the worst of it.

Hey, bus-buddy!

Bit of an in-joke. I'm Creg, by the way. Senior Warden.

I think Luke probably remembers you.

Oh, I didn't recognise you with that hat on.

What is that, some kind of latex?

Glad I caught you.

Tell me what you know about this gambling ring, poppet.

Why can't you ask Isaac?

Oh, he's gone mad.

Now, I'm asking all the other losery kids.

Hey. Luke's not a loser.

You'll show Jim's parents you're going to make a great husband.

-What, you're about to propose?

-Yeah.

Well, you're a braver man than me.

Well, obviously, I've done joke proposals,

but that's just banter, innit?

I suppose it can be hard to spot irony in skywriting.

Right, perfect, you're up now. Go get 'em, tiger!

How'd it go?

Totally sorted. He's so over the razor thing.

And the prison thing?

Oh...

How are you doing?

I like your new hair.

Doesn't he look smart?

Why the hell are you here?

-Come to apologise for getting my son sent down?

-Not exactly...

So you're here to waste my time, then, you gutless weasel!

Not that, either.

I'll get to the point...

I know that you're not my biggest fan.

Correct.

But, as you know, I've been going out with your daughter,

your beautiful daughter, for the last two years.

Oh? I assumed she broke up with you when you got my son locked up.

I'm not sure that's a fair representation of events.

-So, she's not with Roger, then?

-No!

Shame. Then why are they getting a puppy together?

I wanted them to take one of ours.

We've got nine of the bastards, thanks to you.

I'd sort of banked on Jason to talk to you about all of that, actually.

But, anyway, I'd like you to know that I'm a nice, normal guy.

-And I will...

-If you're so nice and normal,

then why am I hearing that you've been using my razor for...

that?!

We've met, what, three times.

Well, thank you for your time.

I use that on my face!

Bravo(!)

Bravo(!)

All your hard work has finally paid off

and you've officially ruined my life.

Lulu, can you knock? I could have been doing anything.

No, Jason, you could've been doing one thing.

But, for once, thank God...

Oh, no, you were!

I'm in the middle of number nine, and there's barely a blister on it. So if you'll excuse me?

You had one thing to do which, I appreciate, is a lot for you...

Bruv, I'm sorry. Let me explain.

I was just about to tell them when the weirdest thing happened.

This voice called out to me from nowhere

Right?

"Jason, don't tell them."

And that voice was in my own head.

Girlfriend got it going on with the hair!

How'd it go with my parents? They on board?

It went shit. It went worse than shit.

It went shit with blood in it.

Your mum wouldn't speak up for me and your dad wanted to kill me, thanks to you!

I did tell them you're a very "edgtible" young man.

-That's not a word, Jason.

-That's what they said.

Fine! I'll just ask Gemma, anyway, and see what happens.

Yeah.

So what if she's been talking about her dream wedding since she was two.

Dad giving her away, nice big wedding cake...

-Fuck!

-..awesome best man's speech.

That's it!

It's over.

I am stuck in here while Gemma and Roger are getting all cosy at home

with his stupid dog.

He's probably getting his tummy tickled at the moment.

No, actually, he's probably playing with the dog.

Right, you, come on. You're coming with me, right now.

Mind if I just finish up first?

Be nice to reach double figures before dinner.

I probably shouldn't do this, but I can see how important it is.

Despite what you might think, we do try and keep your spirits up in here.

You're weak and pathetic. Look at you. You'll never beat this.

Get out of my head! I can do this!

You've forgotten how good it feels to snitch.

Oh, just a tiny snitch. You know you want to make all that pain go away.

I'm going to be sick.

Tell me who's gambling right now, you friendless little fart!

Sorry, Creg. Just going to take these two to the visiting room,

so they'll miss the start of your confidence-building workshop.

Right you are. I've brought Travel Scrabble for the way home.

Oh, great.

We get the same bus.

This better be important. I had to slam on the brakes when I was halfway home.

You and me both.

Yes, thank you both so much for coming back.

And this is very important.

I know you've got me down as being a little bit irresponsible.

Nobody thinks that, love.

Well, I do. He's a gutless weasel!

Well, anyway, you've very much got me wrong.

There's something important that I need you both to hear.

You've bought me a new razor?

Not that.

Jason, have you got something you'd like to tell your parents.

We're definitely doing this?

Yes.

Mum, Dad...

I'm gay.

He turned me.

You just ignore that and erm...we'll have another go.

Listen, don't go mad, right?

But the reason I'm in here is nothing to do with Luke.

It's all me. I should have never given him the blame.

I was just scared of letting you both down.

This guy is amazing.

He's like my brother.

Thank you, Jason.

You see? Luke is a good boy.

Yes, I am. I really, really am.

Is that true, Jason?

As you know, I've been going out with Gemma ...

You've brought shame on the family!

How am I supposed to even look at you now?

There's no need to cause a scene.

You're lucky you're behind bars. Right now, I would kill you!

Right! I've had enough of you two already.

Woman, get your coat. We're going.

Whoa! Well, there's a little teeny, tiny thing before you head off.

Erm...as you know I've been going out with Gemma, your daughter,

your beautiful daughter, for the last two years.

Does Roger know about this?

Please, let him speak.

I love her so much.

And he wants to marry her.

Of course he can't marry her!

Why not? I keep telling you he's a nice boy.

Your wife, by the way, is a very good judge of character.

This has nothing to do with you.

Just look at the state of him. We forbid it!

No, we don't! Can't I have a say in our daughter's happiness?

I don't see why.

It's always about you, isn't it?

You're never interested in what I think.

Some of us are extremely interested.

Stay out of this, weasel!

Who are you to tell Gemma what to do?

She's a grown woman and she'll marry who she wants!

And pubic hygiene is important.

You could learn from him.

It's like that, is it?

Well, do whatever you want!

My opinion clearly doesn't count in this household.

Don't worry about him, Luke. I'll talk him round.

You go, ask Gemma. You make a lovely couple.

LUKE LAUGHS

I'm not actually gay.

And I command you

with my beautiful mouth

to lay down your weapons...

..at my delicately-crafted feet.

..And while I've got you - strippers.

Now, we're slightly limited

but Little Gav in H-wing has been getting great reviews.

As classy as that sounds,

can we maybe put a pin in the stag do until after I've asked her?

Fine. But Little Gav gets booked up quick, it's all I'm saying.

He's very tasteful. We're not going to humiliate you.

Elt, just the man!

I need a load of Lulu's stag T-shirts printed up.

And a see-through mankini...

-..for someone else.

-Er...

Hang on, mate. Let me deal with these guys first.

Ten credits she says "no".

Hey, mate, you're way off. She's going to say "yes" all day long.

It's not what I'm hearing, mate.

She's fit and he's a massive loser.

-No offence.

-None taken.

You don't think I know what's going on, pumpkins?

Eh? Well, I know, all right.

You're gambling.

Someone's going to admit to it

and that someone is going to solitary for two months.

Let me tell you a little story about the evils of gambling.

Picture an unusually handsome 12-year-old boy...

FROM WALKIE TALKIE: 'Creg, can you come to the office?

'I've got that skywriting company on the phone again chasing the invoice.'

Oh, for God's sake!

Isaac will tell you the rest of the story. It's a really good one.

Something about banana pudding?

Well, you've ruined that for everyone now, ain't you?

Thanks a bunch, princess!

20 credits on "yes", please, mate.

Of course she's going to say "yes".

Sorry, mate, I wasn't clear.

20 credits on yes, that he does kill himself

after she says "no".

Jesus Christ!

CRASH

Ah...

50 credits says Marcel kills him right now.

I'm sorry...

Is that going to work?

I'll just curl into a little ball here

whilst you decide what you're going to do.

Accidents happen.

I don't want you stressing on your big day.

Plus, you're no good to me dead.

You're going to make me a very rich man when she says "yes".

Cos you know what's going to happen if she says "no"?

I know this one!

Are you going to stuff every piece of that doll into his penis?

You sure you're ready for this?

You know what? I think I am.

Counselling room, just in case you...

If this doesn't go well,

I'm going to need more than a counselling room.

-It's a rifle.

-Oh.

Oh, Creg, I'm so sorry for your loss.

He was the best little snitch I ever had.

It's like a weight's been lifted!

He's a fool if he thinks he's beaten snitching forever.

Oh, good luck for your big moment, noodle.

It's quite romantic, this, isn't it, Dawny?

What is it they say?

You shouldn't marry the person who asks you first.

You should marry the person who asks you most.

I'll go get Gemma in now.

You get tax breaks, you know?

And cheaper car insurance.

Psst!

Break a neck, Lulu!

Who's visiting you?

I paid Black Elton to lend me his brother.

He's going to pretend to be my lawyer.

-Hi, Gem.

-Hi.

You're looking...

SHE SOBS

Have I done something, babe?

Has Roger died?

It's Mum and Dad.

Oh, yeah?

They've split up.

They had a massive row.

Then Dad stormed out.

And he's taken all of his stuff and there's lawyer letters,

everything.

It's over.

Oh, God!

Any idea what it was about?

No!

No, I don't understand it.

They just keep saying they want what's best for me.

I hope it's nothing I've done.

It'll be nothing you've done.

Nothing either of us have done.

We'll never know what broke up your parents' marriage.

But let's not write off the whole institution...

They stood in a church

and made those vows.

And it all meant nothing.

Promise me, we'll never put ourselves through that.

I've spent the two happiest years of my life with you.

I love you very much.

Gemma Gardner ...

It's just not working, is it, Luke?

What?

What's the point? How is this a relationship?

We're just going to end up like my parents.

Then, one day, it's just going to all come crashing down!

No, it won't.

I don't want to go through all that.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, Luke.

I think we need some time apart.

But we spend loads of time apart already!

And that's not making either of us happy.

I'm sorry, Luke.

BANG

We're calling this a "no", yeah?

I can't bear to see you like this any more, bruv.

You've been lying there crying ever since Gemma broke up with you.

How long is it going to be?

Well, in fairness, it only happened 15 minutes ago.

Right, I may as well go and see Marcel now.

Get my lynching over and done with before lights out.

-Oh, I've sorted that all out for you, actually.

-No, you haven't.

You'll have made everything massively worse.

But I am actually curious to know how that is even possible.

I've earned you two months completely on your own,

where Marcel can't get you.

What?

You told Creg it was...me behind the gambling?

Tonight, you go to solitary.

Thought you wouldn't mind being on your own for a bit.

Thanks, mate. I take it back.

I owe you one.

You don't owe no-one nothing.

Well, you owe Little Gav ten credits.

Late cancellation fee.

I trusted you, pumpkin,

and all the time you were running your filthy little enterprise under my nose.

Handsome children go into care because of people like you.

Yeah, you got me.

It's a fair cop.

Off to solitary I go.

Bye, Lulu.

IMITATES HIS FATHER: "Thanks for getting me divorced, you bastard!"

Oh, I meant to say...

It's not quite solitary.

These boys were keen to join you in your cell for a few weeks.

What the absolute mother of fuck is going on?

You're a single man. We're having fun now.

A boy has escaped!

We've got loads left!

Just tell me how I'm breaking out of here.

Just use the blueprint to the prison you've got tattooed on your back!

How many times, Jason? It's a birthmark!

No!

This time tomorrow,

you and me will be on our way to the Costa Del Solskievskipol.

I know you're hiding something from me, Lulu.

Guv, me and Luke are just going for a...long walk.

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little derring do

# I'll fall in love with you

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little derring do

# I'll fall in love with you

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little derring do

# I'll fall in love with you. #