Episode 4 Crims

How the hell do you have so much money?

Am I your getaway driver?

To be honest, you're more my getting-caught driver.

Her friend Roger needed to stay for a few nights, big deal.

Everything's back to normal now.

What do you mean, he's not moved out?

It's not right him staying, that's your fiancee.

I don't care how good in bed he is.

-It's just not working.

-What?

I think we need some time apart.

This programme contains some strong language.

Esteban, we all need you to be easy on Luke today.

He's very upset.

Eh?

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-His girlfriend finish with him. She hate him.

She tinks he...

Lulu what's the Spanish for "disgusting"?

Ooh, I don't know.

What's the clinically subnormal for "piss off"?

Hey, don't take this out on Esteban,

he's really making an effort with you.

Ha!

If I get face cancer from this...

See, we're having fun now. You're a single man.

Them ladies better watch out.

The Three Pusketeers are on the prowl!

-It's puss for all...

-Stop saying that word!

..and all for one.

Massive puss.

Trust me, you'll have the ladies swarming all over you in no time.

I think that 30ft fence is pretty swarm-proof.

And anyway, I want Gemma back.

I just need to make her see how mature and responsible I've become.

You need to stop dwelling on the past.

What happened at the end of Pinocchio?

-What's that got to do with it?

-It's a wicked film.

I was telling Esteban about it before

but I couldn't remember after the whale bit.

Shut up! Just shut up.

Do you even understand...

Luke, stop gassing and go get the lawn mower.

There's a dead pigeon needs pulling from the blades.

And the swarming begins!

Save some of that for me and Esteban, yeah?

ALARM SOUNDS

Oh, they got you in as well?

They're really making a mountain out of a molehill.

It's a Code 14, Creg.

Sunnybank's never had a Code 14 before!

This will blow over in no time.

A boy has escaped!

We've still got loads left!

Look, you go home. You'd booked the morning off for your birthday.

Have your seaweed body wrap with 'megan underscore 81 at gmail.com'

or whatever you were planning.

You were on patrol duty last night,

surely you'd have seen if someone got out.

What were you...

..doing?

Happy Birthday?

Is this what you were doing

-when you were supposed to be on the corridors?

-No.

LOUD BANG

Oh, there were meant to be more of those!

Probably.

'Believe me, Gemma, I see now that I was irresponsible and childish.

'But that was the old Luke. I've changed.

'I'm going to make you proud of me, Gem,

'and maybe one day you'll pop by and see for yourself.

'Also enclosed is a letter in case you don't have a Dictaphone

'to play this tape on.'

Lulu! Esteban's escaped!

Good. Maybe now I can do gardening without being chemically blinded.

My pen, my deodorant, my hair gel, my crisps.

Grab all your stuff!

That is all my stuff.

If I know one thing about Esteban,

he'd never forget his two oldest friends.

We met him yesterday!

I wouldn't be surprised if

a bulldozer smashes through that wall any second

nowwwwwww.

He's not coming, Jason.

-You want to know what I'd be doing out there?

-Of course not.

I'd just lay low, buy a nice big house, cave underneath it,

just me and my butler.

But then at night, pop on a mask and fight some crime.

So, Batman, then?

Someone's doing it already?

Well, I'd love to be able to stay and chat

but I'm running out of will to live.

If you need me - which you won't -

I'll be improving myself in the... Is there a library?

Morning, shitcakes. Just give me what I want and I'll go.

Take this, it's all I got.

Eh?

Just tell me how I'm breaking out of here.

Marcel, honestly it's not really our field of ex...

DON'T bullshit me.

I know you were tight with Esteban.

Weren't you in some weird sex gang together?

Yeah, the P-P-P...

We all know the name.

And I had literally nothing to do with this.

-You were the president.

-What?

We voted you in yesterday. Congratulations, Sir.

I understand if you can't help me.

Daz, set fire to the President.

What?! No, no, no! Don't do it! Ah! Ah! Ah!

HE HYPERVENTILATES

-Tell him about the key!

-SHOUTS: What key?!

Massive Steve's got a lighter shaped like a key.

Always works first go.

I'd really love to be able to help, I honestly don't know how he got out.

Just give me a bit of time!

Na, we'll just burn you now.

But, Marcel, remember that bit in Twilight where

one of the characters gave some time to someone in order to do a thing?

Ah.

You mean when Aro held off before turning Sulpicia into a vampire?

-Mm-hm.

-Deal.

-You've got a week.

-We need 24 hours.

OK, fine. You've got until first thing tomorrow, Your Excellency.

It's actually "Your Grace".

-Shit.

-Relax.

If I know one thing about Esteban, he'd never come and get us.

He'd leave clues.

Now, where are they?

Ah, there's going to be no clues in the letter

I spent three hours writing to Gemma.

Or in there!

-ALL:

-Morning, Gov.

-Suzanne.

Sit down, sit down.

I haven't got a huge amount of time.

The Ministry of Justice is throwing a giant shit-fit at me.

Great. Let me bring you all up to speed,

put all this silliness to bed.

Needless to say, this necessitates a formal enquiry

and I'll be interviewing each of you tomorrow.

And I look forward to jointly conducting those interviews

with you. It might be worth starting with the prime suspects.

Officer Roper, please.

I just need to stress at this stage it is absolutely not about blame.

Our top priority is to establish how Esteban escaped last night.

Then the second stage is blame.

Firing the person responsible

and having them arrested for criminal negligence. Are we clear?

-ALL:

-Yes, Gov.

-Suzanne.

So, for now, maintain lock-down, keep your ears to the ground.

The last thing we want is more funny business.

LOUD BANG

She steals a lot from work.

Very promiscuous too.

Clues, clues, clues! I know you're here somewhere.

"Property of Sunnybank View".

What's Esteban trying to tell us?

I think he means, "Try not to ruin the plans

"Luke's just spent an hour drawing".

I don't know why you don't use the blueprints of the prison

you got tattooed on your back?

How many times, Jason? It's a birthmark!

Oh, there is a library.

I've had it since the day I was born,

and it will be with me until tomorrow,

when Marcel burns me to a crisp!

So if you'd excuse me, I have 22 zones to systematically explore,

starting with the milky puddle where the West Corridor used to be.

You're not ripe in the head. You can't go on your own.

It's a lockdown. If the guvs catch you acting suspicious,

you'll be straight to solitary.

You're going to need a look-out.

I'm free right now actually,

I've finished taking the sink apart for clues.

Fine! Let's just go before you dismantle it.

Way ahead of you, Lulu.

HUSHED VOICE: You're going to have to fix the toilet before my 11.15.

Use someone else's!

You know I have trouble scoring at away matches.

You just got to relax. Look at you, you're all tense.

I can go anywhere.

I bet you I could do one right here.

Jason, please!

We've got five hours to search this entire prison for a way out

before Marcel turns me into a human fire.

So just go over there and tell me if anyone's coming.

Right, zone one. Here we go.

HE GASPS Is this going to piss me off?

Is it about birthmarks, clues or my large intestine?

Go on, then.

It must be a wormhole!

God, maybe I do want to get burnt to death.

He must have escaped through the FaceTime continuum

and rematerialised somewhere in Middlechester.

-Oh, my God.

-You don't believe wormholes exist?

I'm not even sure Middlechester exists.

That's because it hasn't been invented yet

for another 4,000 years. Keep up!

I know I've barely mentioned it,

but if you can stop moving that loud part at the front of your face...

The wormhole's probably up there

next to that air vent with the missing screws.

Ah!

HE LAUGHS

You've done it! Look at it. Quick, quick, quick! Give me a leg-up.

Ooh, you want my help now?

Is there something you'd like to say to me first?

I'm sorry, I was just really stressed and I do need your help.

And...

I...

love you?

Unexpected.

No, I meant we should do the Pusketeer motto.

It's puss for all...

I'm not doing it.

Very good, Mr President. Hop on.

-Hi, Luke.

-Hello there.

-What you doing?

-Just...

..chilling.

Oh, actually, can you wait two seconds?

All units, code 22 on the west corridor.

Get Luke Merson into solitary till morning.

(Lulu, Bev's approaching down the west corridor.)

(I'm not sure if she's seen you.)

Ow!

Oh, my God, Creg!

You shouldn't creep up on people like that.

I thought it was something terrible.

Happy birthday.

Lovely.

A locket.

Containing a picture of you...shirtless.

I spilt something on my shirt.

A few drops of Camembert seeped out of my panini.

Oh, my God. Creg, are you OK?

Yeah.

You've got something on your...

panini.

Ah!

Thank you for...

I look forward to...

Um, I'm just going to do my paperwork.

The meeting tomorrow, what story were you thinking of going with?

The truth. It's an official inquest!

Inquest?

It's not exactly the Taj Mahal.

And there's a problem with the truth, see,

if Suzanne had thought I'd taken my eye off the ball,

-it could really backfire for both of us.

-Why?

I'm fine. I'd probably just lose my job

but you, you'd lose your favourite colleague.

What's Bev got to do...

Oh, you...

Yes, yes.

Well, I'm sure the police will find him tonight.

Everyone just needs to calm down about this.

Well, the search unit have drawn a blank so far.

Well, maybe they're not looking hard enough.

Maybe me and Baxter just ought to go out tonight and find him.

The dog unit would never sanction you letting him off the grounds.

Yeah, obviously, I was just joking.

HE LAUGHS

Baxter liked my joke, didn't you, boy?

-BAXTER GROANS

-Look, he's laughing too!

HE LAUGHS

All I'm saying is, if Esteban did have a helicopter in his cell,

he could have just turned it upside down and dug his way out.

Forget it, I didn't find the way out and it's over.

Apart from the me getting burnt to death bit.

I told you to use factor 30, that's why you're getting them lines.

Maybe he dissolved himself into weedkiller and sprayed himself.

-Oh, please, Jason!

-I know what your problem is.

Yes, I'm going to die.

It's 11.30, you must be so backed up.

You need to let go, it's not good for you.

You're starting to show.

We'll catch your little friend all right.

I had him last night but he slipped through my fingers.

Three miles I chased him and then just when I had him,

he turned into a postbox.

Oldest trick in the book.

Creg, can I have a word? Baxter's gone missing.

-Would you know anything about that?

-No, not at all.

Cos they've found him in TK Maxx.

Oh, thank God for that. I turned my back for a second.

He bit a kid and they're putting him down.

Like I say, I don't know anything about it.

Come on, lads, let's get you back to your cell.

Can I pop behind the fence for a quick tinkle?

Our toilet's on the dismantle.

Go on, then, be quick.

MAJESTIC MUSIC

What?

It's just sitting there completely unlocked?

And you haven't told anyone?

Not a soul.

-Not even your little fuckbuddy?

-Of course not, he ruins everything.

For the record, he's not actually...

You hear that, Daz?

The shitty dwarf has done it, we're getting out of here!

HE LAUGHS Yes, you are.

It's been a real pleasure working with you. Do keep in touch.

Obviously he did miss the deadline by a few hours,

so, Daz, maybe just burn off his foreskin.

So, what do you suggest?

The two of us leave during gardening tomorrow?

Yes, I'll show you where the gate is

and when Creg's got his back turned, you can both make a run for it.

HE LAUGHS

What?

Daz ain't coming, not with his back.

How's he going to carry me across the ravines?

Sorry, I just thought you said, "The two of us."

Christ, you mean...

This time tomorrow, you and me will be

on our way to the Costa Del Solsklievskipol.

Sorry, I'm not sure I know that particular part...

Lithuania.

It's completely cut off from the rest of the world

and there's a bunch of people I need to kill there.

We'll be unstoppable,

what with your brains and my lust for violence.

Goodness!

It does sound like a lot of fun but, annoyingly, I need to stay here

to show my ex-girlfriend how responsible I've become.

Yeah, that's not actually going to happen. You're crucial.

If you can find a way out of here, then you can definitely find

a way for us to survive in the Lithuanian sewer system.

Well, I'm not sure I...

We'll need to stay underground for the first 12 years or so.

Got it.

So we're on the run for what...

..forever?

Unless you piss me off and I kill you.

Or we get caught...

..so I kill you.

And if you tell a single person what we're up to, Luke...

Yeah, I've got the idea.

Daz,

I'll never forget you, man.

Oh, stop it, you know what I'm like.

What the fuck you still here for?

OK, Creg.

What were you doing on Wednesday night between 2300 and 0200 hours.

Wow! That is a really great question.

And one I've asked you seven times, so why don't you answer it?

Or my earlier question about the dead dog, either way.

I know where this is going.

I'm not going to sell one of my colleagues down the river.

-Just tell me what you were doing.

-But if I had to, I'd probably say Bev.

But who can blame her for drinking at work after the year she's had?

She loved that Steve.

But Steve didn't love her as much as he loved committing suicide.

-Creg.

-Actually, firing her might be the kick up the arse she needs.

Your job is on the line here.

A boy escaped while you were on duty.

Tell me what happened.

OK, fine.

God's honest truth, I may have left the corridors for two minutes.

Thank you. For what reason?

I needed to...

..save someone's life.

-No, you didn't.

-I did, it was...Dawn.

Dawn? Dawn wasn't on duty.

Exactly, she came from home.

She was feeling ill, hospitals were probably closed.

Long story short...

..her heart stopped.

And you chose not to mention this extraordinary tale

in the night file?

She didn't want anyone to know, she was very embarrassed.

She was naked.

Anyway, she's fine now, so...

And Dawn will validate this in two hours when I see her?

-Yes.

-Because, obviously, if any of this is untrue...

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

Governor Riley, I hope you don't mind, I've switched slots with Brian

so I can get home for our anniversary party.

That's the grief talking, or the scotch.

-Can you still make it?

-Do you think I'd miss Steve's shepherd's pie?

That was supposed to be a surprise, Suzanne.

Yeah, well, I got it out of him in boxercise this morning.

And where were you, you lazy cow?

THEY LAUGH

Ha-ha! Classic, Suzanne!

'By the time you hear this, Gemma, I will be long gone.

'I'm sorry, I tried to better myself,

'but unfortunately, circumstances prevented this.

'There may be things in the papers...' Oi, put that down!

'..that you read about me but...'

That is private!

I know you're hiding something from me, Lulu.

I'm not a total ignorapist.

-WHISPERS:

-I know about Esteban too.

Please.

You need to stay out of this, Jason, it's for your own good.

I'll try and talk Marcel out of it when we're in the garden.

Obviously he's going to need a bigger cupboard.

Sorry, what did you say about the garden?

I didn't say garden. I said...

..fahden.

What the absolute mother of fuck is going on?

I found him inside the rec room sofa.

Must be where the wormhole spits you out.

That's amazing!

This means that Esteban never escaped in the first place.

-Come on, let's take him to Creg's office.

-I beg your fahden?

-What?

-We can't tell Creg, we can't tell no-one.

When Esteban was ten,

he witnessed his parents being murdered by Mexican crime bosses.

The Prison Service want to send him back home,

and the cartels are sat waiting there to whack him.

Oh, God.

If you want to tell, go ahead, be my ghost.

But you'll be sending a good man to his death.

Is that what you want?

-No.

-So it's puss for all...

And all for one massive puss.

Ow!

Aw, he remembers you!

"Oh, no, Dawny!

"You got me sacked, munchkin!

SHE LAUGHS

"Lovely stuff!"

THEY LAUGH

Bev, if you can stop bothering Dawn, I need to speak to her alone.

-What is it?

-It's a private matter.

It's tiny, but it is extremely sensitive.

Oh, did the staple make it go septic?

I'll leave you to it.

-Dawn, it's 8:30 for chips and dips.

-We'll see you there.

Don't worry, I'll get your address off your medical file.

-But...

-Buzz, buzz, buzz!

Dawny, you know when you told me

-you'd do anything in the world to keep us together?

-Never happened.

When you see Suzanne, I don't want you to just make up some

ridiculous lie for the sake of us.

You need to read out what's written in this document.

Creg, I can't perjure myself.

Please!

Just have a look at it.

"At 23.50 hours on Wednesday, my heart failed,

"stopping for up to three minutes at a time.

"The only person I could trust to save me was my handsome,

-"hardworking and..."

-Innocent colleague.

"..innocent colleague, Cregward Roper.

"Also, the hospitals were probably closed at the time.

"Usually I remember to put my clothes on but tonight..."

Creg, really, no-one is going to believe this.

Yeah, you're probably right, your delivery is a bit flat.

Let's take it from the top again but this time really feel it.

We both know why you weren't in the corridors

and I'm not going to lie because to be perfectly frank...

I know, I know!

You care about me too much.

Well, that's that, I guess.

This...

cell damage form ain't going to fill itself out.

Lovely stuff.

'Dawn, Governor Riley will see you in five if you want to head over.'

Yeah, copy that.

Que pano de cogida, hombre.

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-I told you he wouldn't betray you

and have you murdered.

He's just grumpy because he...

Lulu, what's the Spanish for "absolutely aching for a dump"?

-Are you decent, poppets?

-Shit!

Relax, I've got this.

-All right, guv? Want to come play some pool?

-No.

Fair enough. See you later, Lulu.

Let's have a look at this toilet, shall we?

Now's not a good time for us, actually, so if you could maybe...

Do you ever ask yourself what the point of it is?

What, of a toilet?

-Is everything OK?

-"Is everything OK?"

HE CHUCKLES

There's the million-dollar question.

CRUNCHING

Is it OK to throw a good man to the lions? "Yes, Governor Riley.

"No, Governor Riley.

"Don't let all the prisoners escape, Governor Riley."

I've still got a staple lodged in my phallus!

You all think I'm going to miss this place

but I've got a whole bucket list to be getting on with.

Skydiving in Corsica, swim with an octopus, have sex.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Luke, you're a good boy.

Can I ask you a personal question?

-OK.

-Who's eating Kettle Chips in your locker?

You...

..are a bloody legend, munchkin.

And you are coming with me, munchkino.

But listen to me, you mustn't take him - his life's in danger.

-The cartel! He's an orphan!

-Who told you that?

His parents are surgeons at the City Hospital.

Ah!

Oh, and ignore all that stuff I said before,

it's just this character I do.

Well, I don't think that's true, is it?

I don't think you have looked everywhere.

I can think of one place that you haven't looked -

the place where he fucking is!

Now, get on with it!

Dawn, I don't envisage this will take too long.

Now, before we start, I'm sorry to have to ask you this

but you didn't come in on Wednesday night complaining of some

sort of heart attack?

-Of course I didn't, Governor Riley.

-I know, I know. A little weird.

Has Creg ever done anything else strange?

Right, let's start with unwanted home visits.

Ta-da!

-Fuck.

-Oh, my God! Esteban!

You didn't seriously think we'd have a Code 14 on my watch, did you?

You life-saver! Top work, Creg.

I must call the Ministry. Professor and Baroness Hernandez

will be so relieved.

Come.

Well, all's well that ends well.

Yeah, unless they're a dog called Baxter.

Hang on, these are all the things I gave you.

Listen, Creg...

You kept everything!

The locket, the sugarcraft, the chest hair. Dawn?

-Honestly...

-You didn't need to tell Suzanne how kind I am.

Do you mind if I hang on to this?

-I could kiss you!

-Don't touch me.

Marcel, all I'm saying is,

if Esteban never got out, how do we know that's even an exit?

-It might just be nothing.

-Right, so you're saying you lied to me?

I would never do that.

I've got too much respect for not being burnt to death.

So you're having second thoughts about coming with?

To be fair, I never really had first thoughts.

We're doing this. Now.

Guv, me and Luke are just going for a...long walk.

Yeah, whatever, just keep the noise down, yeah?

HE WHISTLES

Nice of you to invite us!

Jason, go away. Don't get involved!

How many times do I have to say it? I'm sorry.

I may have confused Esteban's childhood with

Denzel Washington's storyline in Man On Fire.

(Get rid of them.)

Jason, seriously, step away.

He's still backed up.

The more he clenches, the higher it climbs.

Can't wait to meet this little fella.

Lulu, it breaks my heart to say this

but you are no longer a Pusketeer.

OK, fine, but now you're vice president. Come on, Esteban.

I really don't feel good about this.

Shut up, you moaning little cumrag.

We're doing this, and we're doing this now.

We leave on three, yeah?

One...

..two...

..three.

DOOR POPS AND HE SHRIEKS

Oh, you can stop spraying him now, Esteban, his eyes are open.

Enough napping, get back to work.

Fine, you can be the president again,

you didn't need to kill yourself.

It's only a silly club.

Hace cagado como un cerdo.

HE SNIFFS

You see, he just had to relax.

Better out than in!

Jesus Christ! What happened?

-You're a lesbian?

-Yeah, fully lesbian.

Can we please do some musical theatre together?

-What show are you doing?

-No show.

-Fine, it's cancelled.

I can see this transferring to Broadmoor.

Broadway.

Oh, they got a prison there as well?

I used to love looking at these,

but what kind of man wants to look at pictures of lesbians?

I'm so sorry, Creg, it's nothing to do with me...

# It's a starry sky night tonight! #

So, what do you think?

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little daring do

# I'll fall in love you

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little daring do

# I'll fall in love with you

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little daring do

# I'll fall in love with you. #