Episode 5 Crims

How do you have so much money?

-Am I your getaway driver?

-More my getty-caught driver.

Her friend Roger needed to stay for a few nights, big deal.

It's not right him staying. I don't care how good in bed he is.

Ah, it's so good to meet another Twilighter man.

It's just not working, is it, Luke?

See, we're having fun now! You're a single man.

I want Gemma back!

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

Jesus Christ! What happened?

Trust me, it was the best thing to do.

Isaac had lost all his confidence - he had nothing to live for.

-So you took it upon yourself to...

-Pierce his ear!

Look at him, he's got a new lease of life.

I'm pretty sure he's dead.

He ain't dead! He's probably just exhausted from looking so wicked.

Thanks to Piercing On Your Face, by Luke and Jason.

Is this another bullshit scheme?

Because we definitely had a rule about this.

I'm just trying to take your mind

off that thing I'm not allowed to mention.

That is sort of mentioning it.

-I would never talk about the letter.

-Still going.

Especially not the bit where she says she never ever

wants to see you again - I'm being considerate.

Considerate would be less murdering

and more sorting out how I'm going to see Gemma and put things right.

Do you know what? You're absolutely right.

He is dead.

Help me slice him up and dump him in the canteen bin.

HE MOANS

Mate! That looks awesome!

Who's this confident guy?

It's not quite central. I'll have another go.

Nurse, stand aside.

I need some space for my run-up.

Oh, come on, Dawn, it's not that serious.

I asked you if I could, you didn't say no, so I ploughed ahead.

How could I say anything? I was fast asleep!

Most girls love that kind of surprise.

I'm not going on holiday with you.

You should've waited until I texted you back before you booked it.

It's only for five weeks. And you'll love the Falkland Islands.

I don't. I can't.

I've cancelled Bev's leave to cover ya!

She can see a solar eclipse on Mount Fuji any time.

Right, Creg.

I've had to say no to quite a few things this month.

-Thorpe Park.

-You couldn't miss Nanny Rose's funeral!

-John Bishop's live show.

-Nasty ear infection.

-Bikram yoga.

-Nanny Rose's other funeral.

Yes, but the truth is...

..I didn't actually want to do any of those things with you.

-Not sure I follow.

-And all these gifts you keep giving me...

The kissing swans paperweight - the heart-shaped pencil sharpener.

Ah, this holds twice the shavings your old one did.

I might be jumping to conclusions here,

but I suspect you might have feelings for me.

But I...

I'm not...in any way...

..attracted.

To men? You're a less-bian?

Yep. Fully lesbian.

SHE EXHALES

There you go, I said it.

Creg, you've broken your pencil sharpener!

No, Dawn.

You've broken my pencil sharpener.

You were holding it.

-Boys.

-Black Elton John.

You want to sign up for the musical before all the places go.

Wow, is that new?

Looks shit!

..ingly awesome.

I'm no Tim Rice, but I never had you down as a lover of musical theatre.

Who's Tim Rice?

You know, he wrote the Lion King with White Elton John.

Trust me. You do this crappy little show - invite whoever you like -

and afterwards they have this reception.

You mingle, have a laugh, eat nibbles.

Plus I get to smuggle in about six month's worth of heroin.

Oh, my God!

There'll be a mingle.

-Do you know what this means?

-Yes, sir! A pop-up piercing booth!

Yeah, and also it'll be my chance to sort things out with Gemma!

Of course - it's so simple.

You get talent spotted, become a famous actor, make a load of money,

spend it on a kidnap squad, capture Gemma, lock her in a boat.

No, no, no!

We both sign up for the show, you invite Gemma,

don't mention I'll be there,

then I'll accidentally mingle with her and make things right again.

That'd also work - you're a genius!

It's such a shame I can't be in it.

Why not?

I can't take time off work for one of your silly pipe dreams, Lulu.

Isaac, what size cheek piercing do you take?

-Come on!

-No!

-Please?

Lulu, when you keep 'arksing' people to do things they don't want to,

it's actually quite annoying!

Now, what appointments have you drummed up for tomorrow?

There's 30 boys on the wing - so that's 61 nipples.

Massive Steve's only got one, but Marcel's got both of Esteban's.

Just tell me what I need to do so you'll help me see Gemma!

'Keep it down, gay lords!'

We're not...

Jason, can we please do some musical theatre together?

I'll be in your ridiculous piercing business, I'll work extra shifts.

Lulu, of course I'll be in it.

Thank you, Jason.

And once we expand into pedicures,

you can be in charge of pedi-washing.

Maybe a bit of filing dead skin.

Go, Lulu!

He's a-filing! Go, Lulu! He's...

'Shut it, ladies, before I come in there

'and give you each a new fanny!'

He ain't no lady! He's the prison's number one pedi-filer!

Tell everyone!

I don't understand it.

You had a boyfriend, Steve. Or was it Stephanie?

Er. Yeah, right.

Come on, boys, quick as you can, sit down.

And that mechanic, Ian?

Ee-Angela?

But those intimate pictures I saw that time

I...accidentally downloaded the contents of your phone.

Those were pictures of Ee-Angela's brother.

She was worried about the swelling.

Yeah, it did look pretty angry.

Right, we're all so pleased how many of you have signed up to do

the show.

It's a chance for you not just to learn new sills,

but also to really let go and just have a great time.

I am totally against this.

Obviously, last year's show had its ups and...

On-stage riots.

Let's not dwell on last year, let's just all have some fun.

The only fun I had was firing rubber bullets at the cast.

Thank you, Creg.

I took Massive Steve's nipple clean off.

Any questions so far?

That aren't about the hour of mingling afterwards?

Curtains go up in a fortnight, right here.

First things first -

who fancies being the director?

It'll look really good on your CVs!

Maybe lie about the name of the theatre.

55. 50.

Mingling is now down to 45 minutes.

Any takers? 40 minutes.

-I'd love to!

-Great. What show are you doing?

-Um...

-No show?

-Fine, it's cancelled.

-No, no! I've got one!

It's got to be Les Mis. Do Les Mis.

Gemma loves Les Mis.

-Isn't Cats the one she likes?

-No, bruv, she's mad for Les Mis.

-CREG CLEARS HIS THROAT

-If everyone's happy,

I was thinking Les Mis?

Oh, that's my favourite!

We've definitely got that in the library.

I'll go and fetch it for you now.

Should we really be glorifying the tale of an escaped prisoner?

I don't know. I feel sorry for Jean Valjean, being relentlessly

pursued by a creepy prison officer.

Well, maybe Javert wouldn't have bothered

if Valjean had thought to mention that he was a less-bian.

So - Les Miserables.

It's set in revolutionary France in the 19th century.

What are you talking about? That ain't Les Mis!

Les Mis is about a load of dickheads who dress up as cats.

-Oh, fuck that!

-Didn't you ever listen to anything Gemma said?

No wonder she wrote you that paper thing I would never mention.

Yes, I did listen, but for some reason...

Quiet, dick sniffers!

We're not doing no cat-shit, yeah?

The show we will be performing is

Starry Skies - The Twilight Musical.

The greatest books of all time brought to life on stage.

-OK?

-I'm sure Dawn can get us those scores instead.

What scores? Has somebody already written it?

Oh, great, you just invented it.

-Well, who's going to write...?

-I'm sure you'll do a great job.

-No, I can't...

-Cos if you don't...

..I'll rip your dick off and shove it up your fanny.

If he's half as good a writer as he is a pedi-filer!

First rehearsal in...two days?

Chop-chop.

But it's a great rhyme!

I don't dispute that.

I'm just not entirely sure what a vampire would be doing with

a hand-dryer.

-Ham choir?

-Please, Jason!

Let me work - on my own - so I can prevent my dick being

inserted into whatever Marcel believes to be my fanny.

You're being so boring.

What happened to the old Luke I used to steal mobility scooters with?

Luke Takashima? I think he works for Southern Electric.

Whatever. I've got a business to run anyway.

Black Elton's got me one of those sticks you can put

your receipts on.

-I'm going to pierce it through Isaac's chest.

-Just go!

So I can get on with writing 20 show stoppers in 48 hours.

Look - I can't concentrate if you're going keep playing with the lights.

MACHINE WHIRRS

Come on, Les Mis, I know you're in here somewhere.

Ah, here we go.

-They're not doing Les Mis any more.

-What?

-Annoying, isn't it?

When you find out crucial details after you've put in

so much hard work.

I know you're surprised by my sudden -

and completely confidential - announcement.

But I'm still the same person.

No, you're not. I used to love looking at these.

But what kind of man wants to look at pictures of less-bians?

You can still be civil to me, Creg, even though we will never,

ever, ever be a couple.

Ever. We can still be...

..friends.

You've never called me that before.

Oh, how long I've waited to hear those words! Best friends.

Not sure I said best.

I'm so sorry, Dawny, I should have been there for you

and I just got it wrong.

-I'm going to make up for this.

-Please don't.

I know!

How about I treat you to a nice trip to the Falklands!

I hear less-bians are practically legal on the East Island.

Best friends!

-Where's your bum chum? We said 12 o'clock.

-Sorry I'm late.

I was stuck on the chorus of You'll Never Kill A Cullen.

No, no, I won't spoil it. OK, let me present

Starry Skies - The Twilight Musical.

Sponsored by Piercing On Your Face, by Luke and Jason.

OK, we open with a spotlight on Edward - he's a small-town

vampire but with big dreams.

Music - Fangs For The Good Times But I Need Some Fresh Blood.

-It's a powerful ballad.

-Sorry, why's he saying fangs?

You know - vampires, fangs, thanks?

Can we look at the whole piece before we...?

Edward don't got fangs -

his teeth are normal shape,

and unbreakable.

We can certainly tweak that.

Edward ain't doing no ballad either.

OK, good note.

Then, we open with... The Dance Of The Werewolves.

No show of mine starts with a werewolf. Or a dance.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't write off the whole medium.

This is all good!

Oh, I think you're going

to like this next one - it's a cheeky little rap number with

a fair bit of attitude and it's where we're first introduced to Narhule.

-You mean Nawell?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's hear it then.

OK.

# He's the cruellest of the cru-awell

# Don't take him for a fu-awell

# He's the meanest kid in schoo-awell

# You better watch out for Nawell. #

Fair play for using Nawell, though.

At least you didn't focus on Edward's annoying family.

Or the 20 years' war.

We open with...

the finale!

Look, I only signed up for this so I could see Gemma at the mingle.

I've tried my very best to write a show, drawing on all my zero

experience, and I've clearly failed, so why don't you...?

-You'll have the new draft ready for tomorrow.

-Yeah.

Unless my threat to you wasn't quite clear?

I was wondering, when you say you'll stick it in his fanny,

-do you mean his bum?

-Nah, doesn't he mean the hole it leaves

when he's ripped off his knob?

I thought he had an actual f...f...f...

I'll crack on with the new draft.

Good boy.

We've got this amazing new bit with a whole choir made of hams.

And before you ask, yes, she will continue to use the ladies' toilets.

Next - feeding.

Historically, less-bians are herbivores.

And as you've already heard, they do die if they eat chocolate.

So eyes peeled for any chocolaty snacks.

Creg? Is this...something to do with me?

-I know you begged me to keep this between us.

-Repeatedly.

But these people are your friends - albeit second tier -

they won't judge ya.

The same way we don't judge Bev for her drinking

and lacklustre personality.

And I'll have that, thank you.

Do you mind if I have a word with these guys

in private about...

..the situation here?

Of course.

They've taken the news really well.

Much better than my briefing on B-wing this morning.

They were as shocked at the news as your sister was.

Jason - have you been fucking with the clock again?

I just needed one spring!

Did it just get more confident in here?

When did Will.I.Am arrive?

This...

-..is beautiful. It's perfect!

-Really?

I wasn't sure if Bella's dream sequence was...

Shut up your nonsense - that's my favourite bit.

This is even better than the Twilight musical I made Isaac

write last year.

You...are a genius.

I can't take all the credit - you're the one who made me

stay up for 12 nights without sleep rewriting it.

What can I say? We're a team! But there's still a lot of work to do.

That's me done - I'll see you after the show.

Me and the boys usually look after the cloakroom.

Tell your guests it's going to be cold

so wear coats with a high re-sale value.

Daz. You not coming?

I w-w-w-want to...

You want to play Jacob?

Good on ya!

That's all good.

OK, guys, we open in two days, all right?

So I thought we might kick things off

with a little bit of team bonding.

So I'm going to take this ball, tell you my name and one thing you

might not know about me. Then I'll throw the ball to someone else.

OK, come on, on your feet, on your feet, on your feet.

Right, my name's Luke

and...one year on holiday, I met Adam Woodyatt on the beach.

Hey! What did you do that for?

I know what we need to do.

Get Adam Woodyatt to tweet about the piercing business.

It'll really boost sales.

CREG BLOWS A WHISTLE

I'm so sorry, Creg. It's nothing to do with me...

Well, that's not what we had in mind, was it, pumpkins?

Luke, you're the director, and that means clear leadership.

These people look up to ya.

You've given me no choice -

I'm docking you a week's phone credits.

The rest of you, get this mess cleaned up.

Oh, and the musical's cancelled...obviously.

Oh, do enlighten me - what is this bright side?

Because from where I'm sitting, both sides are pitch-black

and smeared with donkey shit.

It means we've got more time to focus on...

Shut up about piercing!

The only piercing that'll happen around here is me

-jamming this teaspoon into your oesophagus.

-Yeah?

I was thinking about getting a Prince Leopold. Not a bit tacky?

Luke, you need to sort it out with Creg, get this musical back on.

I'm waiting on deliveries

from my weapons guy, my weed guy and my porn mum.

-And Gemma was really looking forward to seeing me on stage.

-Oh, yeah!

Cos obviously you were going to break the habit of a lifetime

and actually do what I asked and call her!

Bruv, I spoke to her.

Ah, she's going to be gutted it's cancelled.

You really spoke to her?!

What do you take me for?

I remembered to say you wouldn't be there.

I came up with the best excuse - I said you hated musicals,

so you'd be practising your pedi-filing.

We'll call that a B+.

Mate, we've got a saying here in Sunnybank,

"That guy Luke is a massive loser."

And now's your chance to prove everyone wrong.

Look, you're written a really great show - just hit him

with a couple of numbers and he'll see.

-You reckon?

-Yeah!

Right.

I've got a show to get back on track.

# It's a starry sky tonight! #

So what do you think?

Well, there's an hour I'll never get back.

Thank God I cancelled that shit. Phew!

What's the harm, Creg?

He's obviously worked very hard on this

and the prison trustees will be very impressed!

I'm not risking it.

Go on, Creg. I'm asking as a...friend.

-Best friend?

-Mm.

Aww!

You're lucky you've got my best friend batting for your side.

Although she has been known to change the side

she bats for. Have your musical.

-Thank you, Creg.

-But no mingle.

If it's a really good show, it does seem fair

they get to celebrate for a bit?

OK, fine!

IF it's a really good show - by which I mean me

and the prison trustees are all jiving in the aisles -

then you can have your mingle.

But the slightest hint of any funny business,

and you'll be picking rubber bullets out of your shins.

-Thank you, Creg, you honestly...

-Get out!

What is it with your people and musical theatre?

Daz, you need to remember, this throw is an emotional moment.

It symbolises the release of the woman you love

into the arms of another man.

Jason, just try and remember that you're a vampire.

HE HOWLS LIKE A WEREWOLF

And that you have to catch him!

Come on - we've got two days to turn this into the best damn

musical this prison has ever seen!

A musical that says, "Give those boys an effing mingle!"

Right. Are you all with me?

ALL: Yeah!

Oh, OK.

Let's get this scene on its feet. Positions, everyone.

Jacob, I want you holding Bella in your arms,

we'll have the vampire chorus stage left.

Jason! You're really not helping.

Sorry, sorry - my bad.

I can't believe we've done it!

I think it might actually

be pretty good!

You won't just be getting a mingle -

I could see this transferring

-to Broadmoor.

-Broadway.

Oh, they've got

a prison there as well?

Assuming all goes well,

tell me what you're going to say

to Gemma at the mingle.

"That was amazing, wasn't it, Gem?

"You should meet the writer,

"he's really..."

-BOTH:

-Dignified and mature.

Then, you take her backstage.

And then - this is the crucial

part - you leave us

the fuck alone to patch things up.

-Got it?

-Got it!

# It's a starry sky tonight.

# Where the werewolves howl

Awoooooo!

# And the vampires bite

-BOTH:

-# I'm going to steal my Bella

# From that other fella

# It's a starry sky tonight! #

-POUNDING ON WALL

-Keep it down, gaylords!

Yep, fair enough.

HE LAUGHS

Esteemed prison trustees,

ladies and gentlemen,

it's great to see so many friendly faces here tonight -

young and old, black and white,

less-bian and normal.

All brought together by musical theatre.

I've had a sneak preview of what you're about to see...

But I'm promised they've really improved it since then.

All right, get on with it!

APPLAUSE

# I'm a vampire And I'm a virgin

# I need to meet some girls And start flirting

# Cos I'm a thousand years old

# So my balls are really hurting

# I need a girl, I need a girl... #

# I've seen the boy of my dreams

# And my life can suddenly begin

# He's got beautiful long, flowing hair

# With his bright yellow eyes

# And his milky-white skin

# When will he fall in love with me? #

-# I'd rather you were French

-French

# I'd rather you were queer

# Queer

# I'd rather that you enjoyed Top Gear

# Than go out with a human

-# I'd rather you were fat

-Fat

# A quadruple amputee

# Amputee

# Constantly off your face on ketamine

# Than go out with a human

# Don't go out with a human. #

It's going well, isn't it? Has Gemma turned up?

-She's loving it!

-And Creg's enjoying it?

He's even loosened his stab vest!

Just the finale left, then Operation Mingle is go!

-Has Isaac got his harmony sorted?

-He's sounding amazing!

That boy's a star.

I reckon he's got a future on the stage if he survives.

If he survives what?

It's probably nothing, he's just in more of a coma than normal.

What?

I don't know what's wrong. He seemed fine when I was piercing

his cock out the way to make him look more like Bella.

Well, where have you put it?

It can't go in there, it's not a fanny!

It's all infected! Ah!

Jason, you've given Bella trench cock!

APPLAUSE

What are we going to do?

The finale's now - it's Bella's big number.

The show will be ruined.

-There's only one thing we can do.

-I guess so.

-Cut his head off,

-stick it on a broom.

-I'll have to be Bella.

Yeah, you'll have to be Bella.

But what about Gemma? I don't want her to see me before the end!

And you're sure you don't want me to pin that out of the way

-for you quickly?

-No, thank you, Jason.

-You remember how the dance goes, right?

-Of course.

Cos me and Daz have zhooshed it up.

Just go with it, yeah?

What?

# Sometimes a girl has two boys in her life

# It causes grief, it causes hurt

# It causes pain and strife

# The boys just need to share me

# The boys just need to share

# There's more than enough of me

# To go around The boys just have to share

# It's nice to have a boyfriend

# But it's great to have a spare

# When you have two men in your life

# The boys just have to share

# It's a starry sky tonight

# Where the werewolves howl

# And the vampires bite

# I'm going to steal my Bella From that other fella

# It's a starry sky tonight! #

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Creg, I've got a bone to pick with you.

And we've got a bone to pick with you!

Why's it fallen on me to invite the gang here for the first time?

Mum, Dad, Nanny Rose - you're looking much better.

-LOUDLY:

-Back in a sec, Nanny Rose.

Aw!

I need to tell you something - I'm not actually a lesbian.

I was wondering.

You can't even pronounce it right.

The truth of the matter is...

-Go on.

-I've just

got literally no interest...

-..in going out...

-You've got agoraphobia?

-Yep.

I'm pretty sure there's a treatment centre for that in the Falklands.

Oh, excuse me. Sorry, can I just say,

I thought you were great in that.

Now, is it true that one of you guys wrote it?

-Oh! Guilty as charged.

-Well, I work in the music industry

and we're always on the lookout for up-and-coming talent.

Maybe we could hook up?

Oh, that one was nothing. I've written loads of other shows.

Amazing! Tell me about one.

Oh, there's the one that's set in a choir, full of hams.

Actually, I need a couple of days to remember where I put that one.

Are you going to be around in five minutes?

Cos I just really need to...

-Gemma.

-Luke.

-I was just wondering if we could...

Roger, I seriously think we should head off now.

Yeah, cool, babe! Be there in a minute.

Sorry about that, mate.

You know what it's like, the old ball and chain!

Hey, let me know about that ham choir thing, yeah?

Don't worry, Lulu, everything's going to be completely fine.

How?

The medical unit managed to wrench it out.

Isaac's going to be OK, but his fanny's seen better days.

Oh, and they've promised a month in solitary to whoever's behind

Piercing On Your Face, by Luke.

It's the week you're meant to move to Australia with Gemma,

but she dumped you for a much better looking and successful guy.

Is it too much to ask for you to leave me alone? Just for two years.

How much weed is there, by the way?

We just tipped over 19 ounces.

Why doesn't Luke break into Creg's office

and steal the weed back...tonight?!

If you can get away with this snatch, you'll be a legend.

"There goes Lulu. Have you heard about his massive snatch?"

The only thing I ask of Luke is that he definitely succeeds.

-Otherwise, he's dead.

-Reasonable.

HE SCREAMS