Episode 6 Crims

How do you have so much money? Am I your getaway driver?

You're more my getting-caught driver.

-This time next year, us two will be in Austalia.

-Yes, we will.

It's just not working, is it, Luke?

That's not f-f-f-f...

fair.

Roger, I think we should head off now.

You know what it's like, the old ball and chain.

Last thing we want is any more funny business.

Argh!

Contains adult humour and some strong language.

Dawn, you've made me the happiest man in the world!

My mind's all over the place.

I haven't even told my parents yet.

All this time I spent thinking you'd never ask, but here we are.

Creg, I asked one thing on Question Time.

You're a star now. I'm best friends with a celebrity.

I wouldn't say any of that.

The world lit up the second Dimbleby said,

"You, the mousey-looking lady in the straw-coloured pullover."

I don't know, but hopefully someone from the Ministry will have seen it

and they might give prison drug policy a rethink.

And they... Look, if we can

confiscate this much in a week,

-surely...

-You need to get some head shots done.

Why don't we go to the studio one night this week?

It takes me two minutes to fold my bed out the way.

Don't worry, if you get cold between shots,

-you can borrow Mum's dressing gown.

-HE CHUCKLES

You celebrities!

OK, are we ready for round nine?

# De-ne-de, de-ne-de, de-ne-de-ne-de-de, unn! #

What's in my trousers?

Isn't there a yourself you can go and fuck?

Only eight more rounds

and we'll be seeing YOU in the grand quarterfinals.

Now, what's in my trousers?

Oh, is it a Kia Sportage?

No, hang on, it's Frank Lampard Senior.

I'll give you a clue. One word. Two gullibles.

-Syllables.

-This teddy bear, given to you by your ex-girlfriend Gemma,

is one of your most prized possessions.

What, Sam-Sam?

Is it too much to ask for you to leave me alone, just for two years?

Stop being such a misery gloves, I'm only trying to cheer you up.

-I don't need cheering up.

-Course you do.

It's the week you were meant to move to Australia with Gemma,

but she's dumped you for a much better looking and more successful guy.

-Plus, someone's got piss on your teddy bear.

-Oh, f...

HE YELLS

We'll have to get some weed from somewhere, mate,

poor Marcel's really suffering.

It's not just Marcel, this clamp down's affecting

every single one of us.

I've not been myself all week.

And what are you dick nibblers going to do about it?

I got a great idea that will cheer everyone up.

Up to you, but I personally wouldn't suggest

a 'What's In My Trousers?' tournament at this exact moment.

Why doesn't Luke break into Creg's office

and steal the weed back...

..tonight?

Do you really think that's a feasible solution?

That'd be a total suicide mission.

Give me until tonight to fine-tune the details.

You're a good boy, Luke, doing this for the cause.

I might have just changed my mind about you.

-HE YELLS:

-But if you let me down!

I'm not going to let you down.

And for the record, I was already scared of you before this.

Why are you grumping out on me?

I did this to cheer you up.

It's like you don't want to be the prison hero.

I DON'T want to be the prison hero!

I never actually wanted to be the prison anything.

When you got me incarcerated in this Dickensian shit box,

I was pretty certain that was the worst thing you could ever do to me

but, oh, no,

you've had me split up from my girlfriend,

brutalised in increasingly creative ways,

and now, NOW you've got me committed to a death mission!

You really are the gift that keeps on being a massive twat.

And that, that, Jason, is why I'm all grumping out on you.

All I'm saying is you haven't got a 'thing',

that's why you're having no fun in here.

'Prison hero' would be your thing.

Black Elton's got his businesses, Marcel's got his murders,

I've got 'What's In My Trousers?'

If you can get away with this snatch, you'll be a legend.

"There goes Lulu. Have you heard about his massive snatch?"

Please, don't call it that.

All you've got now is,

"There goes Lulu, he's the one with

"the ex-girlfriend who's moving to Australia with Roger."

What?

She's taking Roger?

Keep up. You must remember Roger - handsome guy, lives in your flat,

going to Australia with Gemma instead of you.

-How long have you known that?

-She said the other day when she visited,

-I didn't have time to tell you.

-I guess not, with the six hours

you spend making me guess what you've buried in your bloody trousers.

Precisely.

Anyway, they're going on Sunday.

She wants you to sign this form to transfer your flights over to Roger.

My flights?!

Can you believe the nerve?

I'd rather grate off my own lips with a...

-Grater?

-No, a...

Shut up!

I mean, what's next?

Roger wearing my shoes, using my condoms?

Nah, bruv, he wouldn't do that, yours would be too tight.

He has to order special ones online from Europe.

-Please say you're talking about my shoes.

-What are they called?

It's one of those German words with lots of gullibles.

Anyway, Gem's asked if you can have that form signed

-for when she comes back on Friday.

-And what if I don't?

Oh, they'll still go.

Just in a month or two, once Roger's saved up for some new flights.

Oh, boo-hoo, poor Roger's got to save up for a couple of weeks rather than

stealing my flights as well as my girlfriend.

No, no, no.

Uberschwanz Maximannschaft!

-What?

-That's the name of the great big...

..shoes.

Have you done it yet?

Where's my fucking weed?

Marcie's going to struggle, it's really going to be hairy.

They don't call him the Hairy Snatch for nothing.

It's more than hairy, he's going to have to be really slippery.

Ah, ah, ah.

The only thing I ask of Luke is that he definitely succeeds.

-Otherwise he's dead.

-Reasonable.

Right, the weed is located in a locked cashbox

in a locked draw behind a triple-locked door.

So far, so good.

Dawn locks up at 8pm, so we're going to need to distract her and get

him in before she locks the door.

-I could burn the place down.

-That's probably too distracting.

Maybe just chuck some bleach in Isaac's eyes.

Aw, again?

So, all I have to do is pick a series of prison

locks in absolute pitch darkness.

Sounds to me like we've got a plan!

Just one more thing - how exactly am I meant to get out

of this locked office and back into my locked prison cell?

Listen carefully to this part, Luke, I have no idea.

So when you get caught in the morning,

just remember to fart out your weed on the way to solitary.

So my chance of success is nought per cent.

He's so modest.

That's the thing with The Snatch.

You better not let me down, Luke, because otherwise,

I'm going to cut your fucking head off and use it as a toilet brush.

-Nah, it'll be too wide for the bowl.

-Do you reckon?

-You could cut his head off and fuck the mouth.

-Wouldn't that be gay?

Not if they're dead. I'll get you a wig for it and some lippy,

it'd come up lovely.

Sounds like somebody's got a thing.

-IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-By day, he's a mild-mannered

'What's In My Trousers?' enthusiast

but, by night, Luke Merson is The Slippery Snatch!

I am not going to make a movie out of this.

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Evening, boys.

-ALL: Evening, Miss.

(Starring Dawn as The Guard Who Got Distracted.)

Let's turn it in for the night, lads, some of us have homes to go to.

No offence.

-ISAAC SCREAMS

-My eyes!

Who's chucked vinegar in Isaac's eyes?

Have you got any idea how...?

Oh, hang on, it's just bleach. We've got plenty more of that left.

Right, let's get you to the hospital wing

and, you lot, to your cells, there's nothing to see here.

No offence.

BIN CLATTERS

HE MOUTHS

'You, the mousey-looking lady, in the straw-coloured pullover.

'Does the panel agree that Chris Grayling's proposed reforms

'will do nothing to address the wider problems

'of drug use in prisons?'

-CREG:

-You tell 'em, Dawny.

CREG UNZIPS TROUSERS

'Does the panel agree that Chris Grayling's proposed reforms

'will do nothing to address the wider problems of drug use in prisons?

'Does the panel agree that Chris Grayling's proposed reforms

'will do nothing to address the wider problems

-'of drug use in prisons?

-CREG PANTS

'Does the panel agree that Chris Grayling's proposed reforms...'

CREG PANTS AND GROANS

-CREG SIGHS

-'..proposed reforms...'

COMPUTER CHIMES

I'm sure we both have a number of questions for one another about...

events.

But sometimes it's better to never talk or think

about these things ever again.

That sound OK to you, poppet?

There's nothing there, we've wiped it all off already.

Oh, yeah! Zip up. Good.

Move out the w-w-w-w-w-w...

way.

-I guess you got your package then?

-I did, and we are eternally grateful.

It can't have been easy.

It had its moments.

Now, how was it the Cullen family repaid Zafrina for standing up

for the cause in Twilight, Breaking Dawn?

Christ.

They killed him?

No, the repaid her with an act of kindness.

Now, what can WE do for you?

Name your price.

Wow, that's very kind and I'm touched,

but I did this for the pure love of not being killed.

So it would be great if you could maybe not give me

quite so many tasks or beatings.

No.

-No?

-I'm not going to stand by and watch The Snatch get shafted.

This boy's a gold mine. He's going to get you anything you want

from anywhere any time you 'aks' him

and that means you pay up big.

I've retired from this whole snatching, it's a young man's game.

So we know you're serious, we want a 12-pack of Andrex Double Velvet.

Each.

The Snatch chafes easily.

I don't need any of this stuff.

Next, any-time access to your porn library.

I like the normal stuff

but Luke prefers the videos where they're all still alive at the end.

Luke, would you mind stepping in my office for a minute, poppet?

You don't you tell him nothing.

Hey, this Snatch's lips are tightly sealed.

OK, so you know those big boxes of Monster Munch

you get in the newsagents,

100 of those and five chocolate...

..Labradors.

Where is it?

I can't just ignore you stealing drugs!

I assumed you were doing something excusable down there

like using the phone or sniffing Dawn's chair.

I'm going to have to call this in.

I couldn't get it back if I tried.

And surely you wouldn't want me

to allow certain knowledge to become more widely known.

Nice try, pumpkin, but who's going to believe you?

You ain't got no proof.

Apart from that scar I spotted on the underside.

The one shaped exactly like The Angel of the North.

Damn you, Luke.

And damn that Breville I trapped it in.

From the minute I laid eyes on you,

I knew you were going to be my Moriarty, my Captain Gantu.

-Who?

-You know, the baddy from Lilo & Stitch.

Forget it, we'll stick with Moriarty.

You think you've got me, Luke...

..and maybe right now, fine, you have, but I can wait.

I've got stamina.

I remember.

Oh, right, you mean...

But I will have my revenge.

Might not be today, might not be tomorrow.

Sunday I'm not in, could be Monday.

Dawny! We were just talking about the...

The Angel of the North?

Luke was just leaving without saying another word.

So my appearance on Question Time certainly made

an impression on someone.

I'm going to kill him.

It was only once, and I alco-gelled all the surfaces afterwards.

No, Governor Riley's just had a phone call from Department.

A junior minister's coming to see me tomorrow.

That's amazing.

They're talking about rolling out my campaign on a national scale!

They're going to take some photos with me

and the Minister as I hand over all the drugs.

Drugs don't photograph very well.

I'll take some nice pictures just of you.

I think the studio's free about nine o'clock tonight.

I think the Daily Express like to use their own photographers, Creg.

Yeah, course. Great.

How much weed is there, by the way, all safely tucked away in that drawer?

In the end, we just tipped over 19 ounces.

Excellent!

And what would 19 ounces cost?

On the street, you're looking at about three grand.

What an achievement!

It makes me sick knowing there are people out there selling drugs

on our streets.

Remind me which street it is they sell it on.

Yep, this all looks in order.

Ooh, do you know what I fancy?

A Kinder Bueno.

We'll take 5,000.

Don't get greedy.

We got you all this stuff,

plus don't forget I'm sorting out that Roger thing.

-What do you mean?

-I mentioned to Marcel you wanted something

arranged for a certain well-hung boyfriend of Gemma's.

Let's say he'll find it very difficult to get through

passport control now.

-What have you done?

-Exactly what the Volturi did to Irina.

Made a false declaration to Customs and Excise,

preventing him from any foreign travel?

-No, they killed her.

-What?!

-I never said kill him!

Trust me, it's much cleaner this way.

Marcel, you categorically cannot do that!

Listen to me, I am the Mighty Snatch.

Does that count for nothing?

Of course it does, Luke, but we had a deal.

-Take this back, I don't need it.

-Maybe let's hang onto the Double Velvet?

Too late, lads. My boy Breezewell's on the job.

This time next week, it'll all be done, and he don't do cancellations.

Who doesn't do cancellations? I've got statutory rights!

-There must be an ombudsman.

-I think someone needs to relax a little.

See me later, I'll sell you some weed.

Fuuuuuuuuck.

Oh, what? Has he gone and brought the wrong flavour of Yorkie?

No, weren't you listening? They're going to kill Roger!

But I did pacifically ask for raisin and biscuit.

-IN A SOUTH LONDON ACCENT:

-Word up, G.

Are you the main dealer, man?

I need me about 19 ounces of the good stuff.

Actually, don't worry about quality, bad stuff's fine.

How much that? Three grand? Psh, no sweat!

How about two and a half plus my mum's Punto?

It's got a full service history.

You shooting off?

No! What have you heard? I wouldn't do that at work.

Right, well, I'm just off now,

so I'll see you tomorrow if you're staying late.

You go, Dawn. Big day tomorrow, eh?

A little bit more contraband for the old collection.

I'll get that locked away for you with the rest of this

surprisingly-expensive stash.

Thanks, Creg, I really appreciate that.

-You've been so supportive.

-Now get out of here!

Fuck it.

I'm just going to call the police,

get them to protect Roger.

Yeah, that could work.

Just say someone else took out a hit

on your ex's new boyfriend.

They'd never suspect you.

You're the most honest guy in this...

-prison.

-Shit.

How about that mate of yours

who used to be in the SAS?

Big Ranjit?

Yeah, the one that did all that

security and surveillance stuff

for high-profile clients?

What a legend!

Did I tell you, this one time

he took a bullet for Myleene Klass.

Showed me the scar.

Call him, he'd be perfect!

Yeah, but I don't think

-he can do it.

-What?!

But didn't he give you this hotline

so whenever you're in trouble

he could just rush over and open

a big can of Ranjit-On-The-Ass?

-Yeah, but it's complicated.

-Why?

Well, his mum's in hospital at the

moment and I completely made him up.

Great!

Yeah, but you're right,

he'd have been perfect.

Night-night, Lulu!

Oh, you're in early.

-You all right? What happened to you?

-Oh, just a normal shopping accident.

Right. Just so you know, Bev's staying on after her night shift

to cover me while the Minister's here.

That's uncharacteristically nice of her.

Now, if you two don't mind heading off for a second, I'm...

-Are you sure you don't mind, Bev?

-I'll be grand,

-as long as I get some food inside me.

-I'm pretty sure you've got enough

reserves for the next few hours.

What's that? Looks exotic.

This?

This...this is just baked seaweed on white.

-From the deli round the back.

-Sounds nice.

-It's disgusting.

I was going to throw it in the bin as soon as you leave.

If you're throwing it away, why not give it to Bev?

She's probably allergic.

Cut off a corner, Creg, she's been on all night.

No, I'm starving, I'm going to eat it all now.

Almost gone.

You wouldn't like it, it's very healthy.

-IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Next summer, The Snatch Two.

This time he's a cold-blooded murderer.

Shut up, Jason, this is an insane nightmare.

But on the plus side, Roger's definitely out of the picture.

The picture is dripping in Roger's blood.

Oh, what am I going to do?

Yeah, you keep working on that. I'm just off to see Gemma.

What? She's visiting now?

The form!

Don't worry, I remember.

-IMITATES GEORDIE ACCENT:

-"Of course I'm not signing that,

"I'd rather grate off my own lips with something that isn't a grater."

No, I need to transfer the flight

and then they'll be gone before anything murdery can happen!

Tell Gemma they're on the flight.

Oh, are you sure?

It must be so weird knowing you'll never ever see her again,

not even to say goodbye.

Oh, well. Cheerio!

-That's great, maybe we can have one now with... Is it Dawn?

-Yeah.

..handing over the drugs to the Minister.

Bad idea.

Tell him I know about photos, Dawny, it's just not a good photo.

I told you we should've done this in my bedroom.

-Stop doing that with your ears.

-Everything quite all right, Creg?

Sorry, yes, I just think this hat's a bit tight.

Where's it gone?!

You are silly, Dawn.

Half of it's here and half of it's here.

Sorry, what's happening?

They look much bigger if you do this.

HE LAUGHS

Why don't we show the Minister our new multi-faith prayer room?

Woooooooow.

Can you all make that noise?

Oh, sorry, is this a bad time?

Oh, it's never a bad time for the needs of our clients.

I'll only be two seconds.

Dawn, I need to go to the visiting room right now

because Gemma's in there.

And I realise that I don't have a visit booked but I need to tell her

that I'm sorry and I love her, and all this is because she's going to

Australia and if I don't, that means I'm never going to see her again.

-SHE SNAPS:

-Luke, we're sort of in the middle of something

and, as you know,

we require 48 hours' notice as per Ministry guidelines.

So, if you don't mind...

Can I maybe have a word with Creg outside?

Cos I have a little question and now is Question Time.

Come on, Creg, be an angel...

of the North.

I really don't want to get palmed off in this office.

If you'll all excuse me,

I've got something urgent I need to attend to...

..with my spirit wolf.

I'm only going to be a phone call away.

Or just switch on the telly, I'm sure they'll be showing

'What's In My Trousers?' in Australia.

Can we please hurry up or Gemma will have left already?

OK, fine. Just help me get some of these spiders off me.

Whoa, I got up too fast. I'm going to be sick again.

-Gemma!

-Luke?

-Please, please, don't walk away.

I just had to see you one last time to say goodbye,

and I'm sorry, and I'll never forget you.

That's sweet of you.

And I'm really grateful you signed this form for me.

You being happy is the only thing in the world that matters to me.

Sam-Sam was wondering if he could go to Australia with you.

It was meant to be us on that flight, Lukey, wasn't it?

Kind of was, but, you know...

-..here we are.

-Oh, God, what am I doing?

Am I being crazy? I'm rushing into this, aren't I?

-You could say that.

-I've ruined everything.

And we had something special.

Oh, God, Luke, could you ever forgive me?

Yes, I could forgive you.

Why can't we still go together, like we were meant to?

-I mean, I can still wait for you, right?

-Yes, please.

Roger should probably still move abroad, though.

This weekend.

What do you mean?

Just, you know, he's going to want an immediate

and substantial holiday to get over things.

What are you talking about?

Luke's organised for Roger to be murdered next week.

It's true that Roger's life is in a little danger,

yes, but it wasn't me who actually specifically...

-Goodbye, Luke.

-No...

Excuse me, miss, would you mind

telling him to stop stealing my thoughts?

What's up with Marcel? They confiscate his weed again?

Nah, his best mate's just been killed.

Breezewell!

Do you know if that was the same Breezewell who...?

He died doing your job!

Breezie had some spare time today

and he went round to your man Roger's house.

He was just breaking in through the back door...

..when he got his arm caught on the glass.

Well, I guess in his line of work, the odd accident...

Accident? What are you talking about?

Fucking Roger caught him there and kicked him to death.

Why didn't you tell me he had such big feet?

Do you think Roger knew why exactly Breezewell was there?

I expect so.

But you can ask him yourself. He'll be banged up here in a fortnight.

I'll be honest with you...

(I'm shitting myself.)

Dawn, I think we've taken up more than enough of the Minister's time.

Just one last look, it might have slipped behind the back of the...

SHE SCREAMS

Argh! Officer Roper, what the hell are you playing at?

-'..will do nothing to address the...'

-Can you at least stop it?!

THEY LAUGH

-Lulu?

-Yes, Jason.

I'm sorry, bruv.

-For what?

-For everything.

I've let you down so many times.

I'm only trying to be your friend

but I know I keep making things worse for you.

You must hate me.

Do you hate me?

Of course I don't hate you, Jason.

Come here.

I love you, Lulu, you're my best friend.

It feels good that we can end things like this.

-What do you mean?

-I'm getting out of here tomorrow, didn't I mention?

What?! No, you did not mention that!

-How can you not...?

-Ah, just kidding!

You're so syllable!

-Come on, back in the hug.

-Get off me, that wasn't funny!

Like anyone's ever going to split us apart.

We're going to be together for the next 548 days. What's that in hours?

Must be like a million hours.

Just me and you

locked in our cell day after day, after day, after...

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little daring do

# I'll fall in love with you

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little daring do

# I'll fall in love with you

# Fear and delight

# All the way through the night

# With a little daring do

# I'll fall in love with you. #