My Brother and I Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think

# You are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

< Left, right, left, right, left, right!

Come along now, keep it up. Forward!

-Left, right, left, right. Up, up!

-THEY GRUNT

Keep it up!

Left, right, left, right. Get 'em up, Godfrey!

Platoon, halt! Right, stand straight.

Keep still, Jones.

The spirit is willing, but my body's slung it in.

Stand at ease.

Before we fall down... before we fall out,

one or two things...

I want to say to you...

Why not sit down?

No...I'll be quite all right.

I'll just go and get my notes.

Can the men have a breather while you get them?

Very well, if you think they need it.

Oh, dear me.

-Are you all right, sir?

-Perfectly, thank you.

-Good.

Those men are out of condition.

You'll have to take them on cross-country runs.

-I shall enjoy that.

-What's that in your hand?

-It's a little magazine - it's called the Hotspur.

-The Hotspur?

There are plenty of training pamphlets to read, without resorting to children's magazines!

I was reading this. It's in Frank's handwriting.

Show me.

It's an article about the Home Guard - rather amusing.

-Rather amusing?

-Yes, amusing.

It's disgraceful!

Look here, I'm going to nip this sort of thing in the bud. Get them on parade.

Sir.

Three ranks.

Fall in! Three ranks, like the sergeant says!

Fall in, like the sergeant says!

Fall in, three ranks!

We've fallen in, sir.

Thank you, Jones. ATTENTION!

-At ease. Hurry, Jones...

-HE STAMPS

-That's better.

Private Pike?

-What's this?

-Where did you get that?

-Never mind - what is it?

An article I'm writing for a competition. How did you get it?

-It was in your Hotspur.

-You've no right! I haven't read my Hotspur yet!

I'm supposed to have the Hotspur before Sgt Wilson!

-I glanced at it.

-I always have it next!

Be quiet, all of you!

Now, I want Sgt Wilson to read it... aloud.

-The Hotspur?

-No, no, the article! Read it aloud.

It's private!

Silence! Carry on.

Right, sir. "My name...my name is Frank Pike. I'm a private in the Home Guard."

That's G-U-A-R-D.

Never mind!

"Us lads will spot parachutists who land in our district,

"especially if they land in a pub!

"The other night we made sure there were no parachutists

"in 11 pubs in 2 hours.

"By then we were all...souzzled."

-SOZZLED!

-Be quiet!

-"The sergeant's my uncle - I can do what I like with him"!

-Disgraceful!

-"The officer's an old..."

-We've heard enough!

Pike, I'm not going to go into your shameful conduct in writing this.

I expect you feel pretty rotten.

HE MOUTHS

What concerns me is the subject.

Stories like this are told by comedians on the wireless.

And it's quite untrue.

My unit...

..is a hand-picked band of ruthless fighting men.

Since I've been in command I've done my best to set an example in sobriety and devotion to duty.

I don't want any more stories about four-ale bars.

There's no need to be downcast or trodden about it.

Soldiers and drink have always gone together - like chalk and cheese.

I don't see why my men should be swilling about in beer.

In the Sudan we drank arak. Half a pint and you didn't know if you were coming or going.

We didn't do a lot of either, so it didn't matter.

All right, all right. I want to make it quite clear.

Never again do I want to hear stories about my men drinking.

Right. Now, the Home Guard officers of the district are throwing a sherry party

for local civil dignitaries, and the officers of surrounding units.

I have offered to be the host...

I've offered to be the host.

That offer has been accepted.

We shall be using this hall,

and Corporal Jones's section will volunteer to provide stewards.

Sir!

Bring them into the office.

Come on, my section.

-Private Sponge.

-Sir?

-Patrol from the gasworks to the novelty rock emporium.

-Sir.

-And no drinking!

-Not a drop will touch our lips.

-Fine.

We'll get straws!

Now, are we all here?

-All except Frazer. He's interviewing a client in Eastbourne.

-Mr Croxton.

Croxton? Well, he's likely to be delayed for some time. Old Croxton's a bit of a chatterbox.

He won't chatter in the box Frazer's put him in.

That joke's in rather bad taste, Jones.

Put Frazer down for steward. He can serve drinks. Jones, you'll be on the door.

I'll be on the door, and when the people come in, I'll ask them their names, and tell them who they are.

-Shall I be in charge of the cloakroom?

-That's a very good idea, Godfrey.

-Can I help serve drinks?

-You're too young.

-And me, sir?

-Oh... just try to look pleasant.

Sgt Wilson should play the piano. That's pleasant.

Oh, no, no, Jonesy. I'm really not good enough.

Sgt Wilson's playing would add tone.

Very well, play, Wilson. Not very loudly.

What's this about you wanting the hall on Wednesday?

I need it!

I need it for an important military purpose.

You're just having a booze-up!

No!

It's my night for it. I'm exercising my prerogative.

It IS his night. He's within his rights.

I'll deal with it.

I must have it. It's an important meeting between army officers and civic dignitaries.

I haven't been invited!

I'm not a nobody! I'm a bigwig here!

Surely you were intending to invite Mr Hodges, Mr Mainwaring?

Well, I suppose...

Yes, of course.

I like a party. Any women?

No, no women.

Never mind, we'll have a few jars and a knees-up!

A knees-up!? This is a dignified social occasion.

Yes, with musical cocktails and cucumber sandwiches.

They make you belch, don't they? Thanks. You can have the hall.

It's settled! Have a good evening. You haven't invited HIM!

Ah... You'll be very welcome, of course, Vicar.

I'll look forward to it.

YOU'RE not coming!

That's settled. Jones, take your section and resume normal training.

Sir. My section! Normal training, resume, in the hall. Go!

Sir, my sister Dolly makes very nice cucumber sandwiches, very dainty.

Should she do some?

-Thank you, Godfrey.

-She will be pleased.

Fine man, that. They all are. There's nobody I'd rather have at my side when the balloon goes up.

Yes, sir. Weren't you a tiny bit harsh about the pubs?

-No.

-No?

-No...I don't think so.

It happens to be something I feel very strongly about.

It's the way I was brought up. My father was a member of the Master Tailors' Guild.

Was he?

They don't drink while they're sewing, I suppose.

No...

Of course they don't, no.

He'd have a sherry on festive occasions - join in the fun.

But all my family were the same. They all knew when to stop.

NORTHERN ACCENT: That's better.

TRAIN CLANKS TO A HALT

GUARD: Eastbourne! Eastbourne!

Been to a funeral?

I happen to be an undertaker!

You've got the right mush for it!

And I've got the right fist to flatten that red nose of yours!

No, no...don't be like that.

Here - have a drink.

No.

I never touch it when I'm going on a professional call.

Pity. It's real Scotch.

Well, I'm coming back from a professional call,

so I'll accept your offer. Slainte!

Don't mind me. I say what I think, you know.

Tell the truth and shame the devil, that's me.

In your job you need a sour, miserable face.

We do indeed.

I mean...I mean, you LOOK like an undertaker.

Now, I need a happy face in my profession.

I'm a traveller. And I'm not travelling

in Scotch either!

Guess what I'm travelling in.

No idea.

Oh? Put it there!

BUZZ!

You've got it. Jokes. Carnival novelties.

Smell this!

Smell this.

Mainwaring's the name.

< Barry Mainwaring. Mainwaring?

Was your father a master tailor in Eastbourne?

Master tailor?

I say, that's good! He had a little draper's shop with workmen's clothes hanging up outside!

Is that a fact?

Then could you be in any way related to George Mainwaring, the bank manager?

Old Po-face?

My brother.

You don't say?!

I'm going to see him now. I haven't worked the south coast for 15 years. I've been up north.

So I thought I'd just drop by - surprise him.

He'll be pleased to see you?

I very much doubt it. Especially when he knows what I've come for.

Is that...? Fancy!

I've no wish to poke my nose into your private affairs,

but why's that?

I'll tell you. Just a minute.

When my father died...

I'd looked after him, right up to the finish. He hadn't much to leave, cos he'd always liked a few.

But I'd always admired...

..a gold half-hunter watch he had.

He used to wear in on a chain across his waistcoat, you know?

Anyway,

when he popped off,

old Po-face comes up and says, "I'm having that watch!"

Well, with the old man kicking the bucket like that, I was a bit upset.

I'd had a few - I don't mind admitting that.

Before I knew what was happening, before it dawned on me what was going on, old Po-face had nicked it!

Never!

Oh, yes, true as I'm standing on this station!

So...

I've taken a room at the Red Lion, and I'm going down to see him!

Hold on, I'll be seeing him as soon as the train stops. I'll tell him you're coming.

Will you? Will you do that?

Of course!

It will be my pleasure!

I'm grateful.

You should have seen Mainwaring's face when I told him I'd met his brother...

..drunk!

He must have been shocked.

Maybe aye, maybe no. I've always said there was bad blood in that family, and I was right.

They're boozers, the lot of them - boozers!

My sister Dolly won't have drink in the house, except her own parsnip wine.

I tried it once - I fell over.

The last time Uncle Arthur had one over the eight, Mum got ever so angry with him.

He chased her round the house, trying to tickle her and make her laugh.

She gave him a black eye and locked him in the coal shed.

D'you know something else?

Mainwaring's father was no more a master tailor than I am!

He was a draper,

a common wee draper!

There's nothing wrong with being from humble stock. My father was a humble butcher.

He didn't have a sign saying, "High class butcher, families waited on."

He couldn't wait on families because he had no fridge!

He had to sell stuff quick before it went off.

Couldn't afford proper sawdust. He had second-hand stuff. All mingy old sawdust with tin-tacks and that.

He was a God-fearing man - he had quite a nice time!

I'll tell ye something else.

According to his brother, our Capt Mainwaring is no more than...

..a thief!

I'm sorry, I really can't believe that!

I'd give a whole pound to be there when they meet.

He really does sound quite a character.

He certainly is! The sooner he's out of Walmington, the happier I'll be.

It's not that I'm ashamed of him...

We've both had the same upbringing,

-but he's just let his talents go to waste.

-..While YOU got on, so to speak.

-Wilson, I want you, if you can, to picture two boys.

-Yes.

One is popular, good at games - hail-fellow-well-met!

-The other is shy, lonely, standing in the corner of the playground, alone.

-Yes.

That one was me.

I see, yes.

Sort of hail-fellow-well-met?

-No, the one alone in the playground.

-Ah.

Later, of course, he was surrounded by girls - the laughing crowd.

-And I was left with my books.

-Yes.

While he was getting sozzled, I was getting a clear brain and a sharp eye.

-I used to take a cold bath every morning.

-Did you really?

I expect THAT cleared the brain!

Oh, yes, yes.

That way of life was fitting me for what I've become today -

respected, trustworthy,

able unashamedly to look the whole world full in the face.

-PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me. Hello? Yes...yes.

I think it's your brother, sir.

I'm busy!

Can I help you at all? What?

He says he wants to speak to somebody called Po-face.

What?

No...look...

He says if you're not here, he'll see you tomorrow at the bank.

-Shall I say 10:30?

-No, I'm busy all day!

I'm sorry, he's tied up all day.

'I'll come round to his house.'

No! Elizabeth would have a fit!

-'Better still, I'll come over and watch him play soldiers!'

-Why not do that?

No, Wilson! It's the night of the sherry party!

Tell him I'll go to the Red Lion tomorrow and see him.

Are you there? He'll come round tomorrow to the Red Lion to see you.

Mind the carpet. It's a bit worn. It's the war.

I'd better make sure he's in a fit state.

-What name?

-Just say it's a friend.

A friend? I see.

MAID: 'Ere, wake up! Somebody to see you - a man. He says he's a friend.

BARRY: Tell him to go and boil his head.

MAID SHRIEKS: Oh! Let go! Give over!

-He's awake.

-Obviously.

-You can go in now.

-Thank you.

-A shilling for you.

-Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh! It's YOU. I thought it might be.

Well, Barry - it's been a long time.

Fifteen years.

By the looks of you, you haven't changed.

Neither have you, Po-face!

What do you want? If it's money you've come for, you're out of luck.

All right, keep your rag on.

D'you want a drink?

No, thanks.

Please yerself.

I should have thought 5:30 in the afternoon was early, even for YOU.

Po-face!

Look at you - rolled umbrella, striped trousers, pot-hat. You've got on, haven't you?

I'm the branch manager.

Put your hand in the till when you get a bit short, do you?

Don't be ridiculous! I have an important affair to see to at 7:30.

An important affair?! Is she blonde?

How dare you! It's a sherry party for officers and civic dignitaries.

-Don't get drunk. It runs in the family.

-It certainly does not!

It does in MY bloody branch!

Hey, I'll give you a story - a story to tell them at the party.

There's this chemist's shop. He had a girl assistant behind the counter.

-A fella comes in...

-I have to leave in five minutes.

Tell me, what have you come for?

-I've come for that watch.

-You're not having it.

You know Dad wanted me to have that watch for looking after him.

All you did was pour whisky down his throat.

It kept him happy. You sat on the end of his bed looking miserable.

I told him jokes! He loved a joke.

He laughed when I told him about you and that girl from the sweet factory.

-She was the assistant manageress.

-Was she hell-as-like! She was a rock puller!

She'd sling a sticky dollop of rock over a hook and pull it.

She'd sling it over the hook and pull it again.

When I told him you tried to pull her and she said, "Sling your hook"...

..he choked on his bismuth, and he was a goner. He died laughing!

This is beside the point! I've got the watch and I'm sticking to it!

All right, all right.

We'll talk about it later. I'll come to the party.

-You'll do no such thing!

-And who'll stop me?

-I'll have you thrown out.

-That would be a nice little scene -

you standing there all pompous, and me yelling, "Po-face has nicked my watch!"

"Po-face has nicked my watch!"

-They'll hear you!

-They'll be all right.

If I let you have it, do you swear you'll be on that 9:30 train?

As a commercial traveller and a gentleman, I give you my word.

Don't pull the chain too hard, you'll flush yourself!

Just be on that 9:30 train.

Don't take any tin money.

To think that you've come to this.

Let's look at your hands. Good, clean as a whistle.

What's all that purple stuff on your hands, Pike?

No need to worry about that - it's a gob-stopper. Look.

Get rid of it before Capt Mainwaring sees you.

When he came back from meeting his brother,

he fair bit my head off just because I asked him to tell me the time by his watch.

-Will we meet his brother?

-I don't think he's been invited.

For goodness sake, Godfrey, have you lost your wits?

Mainwaring's brother is the black sheep of the family.

If he comes to the party, Mainwaring will be exposed to the world as a fraud.

Did ye hear me? EXPOSED to the world!

I hope there are enough sandwiches.

Left, right,

left, right - halt!

I'm sorry I'm late, but I've been killing my moths.

-This is my announcing suit.

-You look very smart, Jones.

-Where's Capt Mainwaring?

-He's escorting the general. We'd better get to our positions.

I'll go over there by the piano. You start announcing the guests. All right?

Here we are! Blimey, what's going on here - old folk's clinic?!

You're supposed to come through the front entrance and I announce you.

-We know who we are! Where's the booze?

-We haven't started yet.

Cucumber sandwich?

Yes! Very nice, ta.

Mm, lovely. Mm!

They're tasty!

I say, how delicious!

They're all right, they are! Mm!

Only two left. Pity to waste them.

Go and get some more.

-Mainwaring's brother is coming!

-What?!

-He'll be exposed! I knew it!

That's a silly place to leave a fire-bucket!

HE SINGS DRUNKENLY

Who's drawn these curtains?

-Hello. Good evening, everybody. Is this the party?

-Excuse me,

could you tell me your name?

Barry Mainwaring - jokes and carnival novelties.

M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - Mr Barry Mainwaring, jokes and carnival novelties.

Is it...is it a fancy dress do?

You must be Capt Mainwaring's brother. Hello.

It IS fancy dress! You've come as a vicar.

Your collar's the wrong way round.

Never mind...

..have an exploding cigar.

He's all tiddly! You've got to do something about him.

-What can I do?

-Go and talk to him.

How very nice to see you! We spoke to each other on the telephone.

Oh, yes. You're the one with the posh voice.

-I gave him a rough time today, so I came round to apologise.

-I see.

You don't apologise to Napoleon!

Napoleon! Is that what you call him?

That's very good. You know what I call him? Po-face!

Po-face! That's good. PO-FACE!

That just about describes him.

­ That's enough!

We must do something. He'll show Mr Mainwaring up.

More guests are arriving. He'll be exposed and ruined!

-Don't panic! More guests! Keep calm!

-All right, Jonesy, all right.

He might care to wash his hands, or something.

Good idea! Frank, take him in there. Jonesy, carry on announcing guests.

There's this chemist shop with a girl assistant at the counter.

A fella comes into the shop, and he said...

Come with me. He didn't say that!

He was just getting to the fruity bit!

I'm glad he was stopped.

There's a basin in the corner. I'll get you a towel.

M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - Captain Doubleday and Major Shoesmith!

It's CAPTAIN Shoesmith!

M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - the other way round.

FRANTIC BANGING Let me out! You've locked the damn door! >

-Play something! I've got an idea to keep him quiet.

-All right.

-Can you play "In The Mood"? It's popular.

-Is it?

Would you like a cucumber sandwich? My sister Dolly made them.

Emergency!

Have one of Mr Godfrey's sandwiches. His sister makes them.

-Come along, play up!

-All right.

You can have this, but promise to be quiet as a church mouse.

Here we are, sir. Frazer will take your cap.

Would you tell me your name, sir?

Major General Stevens.

-Would you tell me your name, sir?

-Yes, it's Captain... Oh, get on with it!

M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - Major General Stevens and Captain Mainwaring, Esquire,

and some other people.

Hello, Napoleon!

-Good evening.

-I've just met your brother.

Excuse me.

-You've what?!

-That wiped the smile off your face, Po-face!

Excuse me! There's nothing to worry about.

-He's promised to keep quiet in there.

-What state was he in?

-Drunk.

There's little chance he'll keep his promise!

He will, because I bribed him. I gave him a whole bottle of sherry.

You STUPID boy!

-What else could I do?

-Don't use that tone of voice.

Frazer! Jones! Get him out of there.

They'll all see him. You'll be exposed!

Shove him through the window.

Rely on us, we'll shove him through the window.

-Cucumber sandwich?

-Go away!

Play the piano while we push Barry through the window.

-What do you suggest?

-Make it LOUD.

You go in. I've had a better idea! PIANO PLAYS

-We'll never get him through there!

-We might manage it.

-We're going to push you through the window.

-Is a landlady after me?

That's it. Heave!

Tell him to lie sideways. Turn him sideways.

Pick up, that's it! Straight on. OK, Pikey.

We've arranged to take some infantry fire,

-by the crack and thump method...

-'Scuse us!

-Just getting rid of the empties.

-Good, good.

THEY GRUNT AND GROAN

It's no good trying him sideways. He's as broad as he's long!

Is this some sort of parlour game, like "sardines"?

'Ere, let's put him in this!

That's an idea! Leave the window, try getting in the cupboard.

Ah! It IS sardines!

I'm not hiding with HIM. He's an undertaker.

You're not going to saw me in half, are you?

We'll bolt it to make sure he can't get out.

If we all lift at the same time...

Who's the next one in?

Give me the hammer.

If you know the formula, you can work out the distance between you and the chap shooting at you...

LOUD HAMMERING What's that noise?

-That's Wilson playing the piano. That's enough, Wilson...

-Pardon?

-I mean the hammering.

-Oh! Excuse me, sir.

-Find out what's happening in there.

-Right.

Ha! That's it.

-HE SINGS

-Come on.

-Come on.

My turn again, is it? Soon comes round, doesn't it?

Come on, Wilson.

When I say lift, we all lift. Ready? LIFT!

He's not very heavy!

It's easy when we all pull together.

Come on, let's get on with it.

Hey! Look!

He doesn't look after his boots.

Put him down.

What floor is this, then?

I hope your men aren't damaging that dressing room.

We heard some strange noises.

It's just a little domestic matter.

The captain's putting a brave face on it (!)

Excuse me, I'm discussing tactics.

-You have a brave face as well as another sort of face (!)

-Well done! Well done, chaps.

-My chaps are doing some clearing up.

-Getting rid of empties, eh?

This one's a wee bit full, sir!

-Wilson.

-Sir?

-Everything all right?

-Could I speak to you in private?

-Of course. Excuse us.

-What's happened?

-Jones is taking him to the station.

-Well done.

I got this watch back for you, sir. I know how much you treasure it.

Thank you. I appreciate it, Wilson.

Look, on second thoughts, he hasn't got very much...

-See him safely on to the train, give that back to him and wish him well.

-All right, sir. I, er...

..I hope he appreciates it.

There's only one left. Will you have it?

No, thank you, Godfrey. The general wants to talk to me.

Delicious! My sister has a wonderful way with cucumber sandwiches.

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