For the Love of Three Oranges Dad's Army


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For the Love of Three Oranges

A special Christmas episode from 1976. Three oranges are to be auctioned, and Captain Mainwaring is determined to get one for his wife.


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# Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done! #

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-WILSON SHOUTS:

-Halt!

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Are you there, sir?

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-Of course I am!

-The men have fallen in and look awfully smart.

-Good!

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-I'll inspect them.

-All right, sir.

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-Why aren't you in your snow camouflage suit?

-I didn't want to look a fool in public.

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I'm wearing mine. I don't look a fool.

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-Why haven't you brought the men in?

-The verger has just polished the floor.

-Never mind about that.

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-We've got a war to win! Bring them in!

-All right, sir. Would you step in here, please?

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-CORPORAL JONES:

-Halt! Left turn!

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The men are all halted and left-turned, sir!

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Thank you, Corporal. Stand at ease! Very good indeed, men.

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I'm very proud of you.

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Now we can follow the example of our Finnish allies and become completely invisible in the snow.

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There's just one thing -

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there's no snow!

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Silence!

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Very good, Jones. What have you done to your spectacles?

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It's camouflage, sir, you see, camouflage!

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I have very highly coloured eyes. People remark on them in the shop.

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Look.

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And I thought, "If they show up so much in the shop, they'll show up more in the snow!"

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Yes. I don't think it was necessary.

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Nostrils look a bit odd, too.

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It's cotton wool, you see, sir.

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When I'm in action, I get very fractious and worked up,

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and my nostrils flare and they take on an angry red hue.

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Of course, they don't show up in the shop

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because I don't get worked up and fractious over meat and sausages.

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If I get worked up and fractious in the snow, my nostrils will shine like beacons and give my place away.

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I think you're going into the realms of fantasy, Jones.

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Whoo!

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Don't play the fool with me, boy!

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-I'm not. Mum wouldn't let me put whitewash on. This is Uncle Arthur's idea.

-Is that right?

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-Well, he has a very sensitive skin, sir. It runs in the family.

-In whose family?

-His family.

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I see.

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What's this?

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-It's all I could find!

-A wedding dress!

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Aye.

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It was my mother's.

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Oh! There's a veil!

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It was in the attic...

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and do you know this, Captain Mainwaring...

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a poor wee mousey had passed away...

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..in the bustle!

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-What do you think?

-I suppose we should be grateful

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-that he hasn't brought the bouquet!

-Yes. Find something more suitable.

-Right, sir.

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-Good afternoon!

-Good after...

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-Who put you up to this, Godfrey?

-It's my Pierrot costume.

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I had it when I was in the Army & Navy Store. We did shows for charity. We called ourselves...

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The Gay Gondoliers.

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The Gay...?! We can't have this!

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I think it's rather fun,

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except for the pom poms.

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I'm quite prepared to cut them off. May I keep them till the snow falls?

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I can't allow that. You must wear proper clothes like everybody else.

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Well, on the whole, it's a very good turnout, men,

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and now, when it snows, we shall be able to merge into the landscape.

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Look at that floor! Just look at it!

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-Three hours I spent on that! Back-breaking!

-Never mind that!

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-Captain Mainwaring, can I have a word with you?

-I'm busy.

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We all are! I wanted to give you plenty of notice that the hall won't be free on Saturday fortnight.

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Oh? Well, I may need it for a serious military purpose!

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-We're having a church bazaar in aid of comforts for the troops.

-Why have I only just learned this?

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-It was only decided just now - that's why!

-That will do.

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-This is the kind of project that will have our whole-hearted support, isn't it?

-I shouldn't be surprised.

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With the Home Guard behind you, it could take on a much broader aspect.

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Summon all the important people in the town to a meeting.

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-We'll form an executive committee. We'll need a chairman.

-A chairman?

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Now, I wonder who that will be?

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PEOPLE MURMUR

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Now, as chairman...

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..may I just bring the meeting to order...?

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-Hold on!

->

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Why is it that, whenever we have a meeting, you're always the chairman? Who elected you?

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It was perfectly above board. I was elected by the steering committee.

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And who elected them?

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-I did.

-You see!

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I feel sure we're all most happy to have Captain Mainwaring as chairman.

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I have a meeting of my general purposes committee in one hour and five minutes,

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so please can we proceed?

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-Thank you very much.

-Sorry we're late, Captain Mainwaring, we've been coupon counting.

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We always do coupon counting on the last Wednesday of the month.

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I dread it, I really dread it!

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-If it wasn't for Mrs Fox, I couldn't carry on! She's awfully good to me!

-I'm sure she is. Sit down.

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I do the odd hundred

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and then I make him a nice cup of tea and things!

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It's the least I can do, isn't it?

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-Can we get on?

-Yes, can we get on, please?

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-I second that!

-Be quiet, Mr Yeatman!

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How many offers of help have we on hand at the moment, Sergeant Wilson?

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Mrs Yeatman has kindly offered to do the tombola.

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-She always does the tombola!

-Well, she's very good at it!

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On the other hand, if Mrs Pike wants to do the tombola...

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-I don't want to do the tombola.

-Then why did you mention it?

-Don't start!

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You lay on the settee with your muddy boots on last night!

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-Mavis, please!

-Wet the antimacassar and tried to rub it off!

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-Told you not to rinse the inner rose bowl, didn't I?

-Please be quiet!

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-Can we get on?

-Yes, please. Can we get on?

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Perhaps I'd better take the list.

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You're going to rue the day you ever met that woman!

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I'm doing quite a lot of ruing at this very moment!

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Well, now. Mr Godfrey, I understand that you're going to provide some chutney.

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Yes, my sister Dorothy has three jars of honey and quite a lot of wine - elderberry.

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You've tasted it, I think, Mr Frazer.

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Uh-huh. Once.

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I must admit, I found it totally undrinkable,

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but no doubt some fool will pay the money in the name of charity, son.

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I would like to say that I am about to donate a monster brawn!

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A monster brawn?

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You can serve it a slice at a time on plates or you can have a monster brawn raffle.

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-What sort of monster will it be made from?

-Be quiet!

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Mrs Fox here is going to do fortune telling in a Gypsy tent!

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-Fortune telling, eh?

-That's right - cards or ball.

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-The work of the Devil!

-I'll only charge sixpence.

-That's cheap enough.

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And each person gets five minutes alone with me!

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Alone, eh? Oh, well, it's a good cause, and you're a fine-built woman.

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-I'll take a chance!

-Mr Chairman, point of order, what is Mrs Mainwaring going to do?

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-That isn't a point of order.

-See? She's not doing anything!

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She's providing some lampshades.

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She makes them from odds and ends - helps pass the time in the shelter.

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So, yah, boo, sucks!

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-One more outburst like that and you'll go home.

-He's a young hooligan, that's what he is!

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-And what are YOU going to do?

-Yes, let's keep to the matter in hand!

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-Mr Hodges has a wonderful surprise for us!

-Yes.

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It's better than your mouldy old wine and rotten lampshades!

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I'm going to donate three oranges!

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-ALL: Three oranges!

-I bet none of you has seen oranges for years! You can auction them off.

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Where did you get three oranges?

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Never you mind. They'll make a lot of money. That's all that matters.

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I'm sure we're all very grateful.

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-I'll second that.

-Be quiet, Mr Yeatman.

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There was a function at Eastgate last week. They had sausage rolls.

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Couldn't we have sausage rolls?

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On behalf of Mrs Yeatman, one thing's got to be made perfectly clear.

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If we're going to have sausage rolls, we've got to have sausages.

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They were made from some, um... vegetable concoction,

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but the trick was they had puff pastry!

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-They were very nice!

-You can't have puff pastry without fat!

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-Anybody knows that!

-Men don't! They think we wave a fairy wand!

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They don't have to queue up for hours on end!

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-Well, don't queue outside my shop. I haven't got any fat!

-You take Mr Jones for granted - all of you!

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-What do you mean? I wouldn't go to his shop with wellington boots on!

-You couldn't -

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you're not registered with me!

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Don't let's get this discussion heated, please!

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We're only here to raise money to send comforts to the troops.

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Hey, I've got an idea!

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We could all club together and send 'em Mrs Fox!

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Oh!

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-Go to my office at once!

-It was only a joke.

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Wilson!

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-How dare you!

-It was a joke!

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This is your fault. You're far too lax with this boy.

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Don't you blame the boy.

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It's all happened since he's been with you lot.

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-Since I...

-I'll box your ears!

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# Lights out was sounded long ago... #

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There you are, Pikey! Look at that!

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Isn't that a picture?

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That really is a monster brawn, that.

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Don't do that!

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No, don't!

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-Mr Jones!

-What is it, Mrs Fox?

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I've lost one of my globes!

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-Had you got them both when you arrived?

-Of course I had!

-Could you gaze into something else?

-No!

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I know. I can run home and get Mum's goldfish bowl.

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Don't be silly, Pikey. I don't expect Mrs Fox to gaze into

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a goldfish bowl with a lot of goldfish swimming about.

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She'd be gazing in for inspiration,

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and they'd be gazing out going...

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-How's everything going?

-Very well. My sister had a very good idea.

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She's letting people taste the wine before they buy it so that they know what to expect.

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Would you like to try some? It's my best elderberry.

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-At two in the afternoon? No, thank you.

-Would Mr Wilson like some?

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I would indeed. Thank you so much. How nice of you. Thank you so much.

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What's all that palaver about?

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That's the way you do it. The French always do that. Actually, one should spit it out.

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Let's not have any dirty foreign tricks here!

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Ah, silhouettes, eh? That's a novelty!

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Aye, it is.

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Would you like me to do you, sir?

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-Oh, yes, why not?

-Only sixpence!

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Well, it will help the war effort.

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Now, you have to stand VERY still.

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-Captain Mainwaring, sir...

-Yes?

-My monster's gone shiny!

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What did you say?

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Still, I said!

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It's too hot in here. It's melting! What shall I do?

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Perfectly simple, Jones. Take it outside where it's cool

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-and bring it in sometimes to show to people.

-Oh! What would we do without your organising ability?

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Pikey! Come on, we'll take this outside. It's too hot in here.

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Well, don't joggle it about!

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It's not me. It's you!

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There you are, sir - you to a tee!

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-That's awfully good, sir. Perfect likeness!

-Rubbish!

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It's awful!

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It's just a round lump!

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Well, you ARE a round lump!

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-I didn't pay sixpence to be insulted, Frazer.

-I think you're getting a bargain!

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If you were in uniform, I'd put you on a charge for insolent behaviour!

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-Why is this table empty?

-It's for Mrs Mainwaring's lampshades.

-Yes, lampshades.

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Just come in the office, will you?

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-Look at that! Mouth-watering, isn't it?

-A rare sight indeed, Mr Hodges.

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I don't think I've seen an orange for over two years.

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It was just before the War

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in a Scouts' production of Good King Charles.

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You played Nell Gwyn!

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Ah! Happy Days!

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-Please, sit down.

-Thank you, sir.

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-Now, about these lampshades of Mrs Mainwaring's...

-Oh, yes?

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She's been making them for over a year now,

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but I've never said anything about it, because she's rather sensitive to criticism. The fact is...

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-they're rather unusual.

-Unusual?

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Yes. Not to put too fine a point on it, they're bizarre...

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-..but she is determined to bring them along here to help out.

-Ha, ha!

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-Is there a joke?

-Yes, there is a bit of a joke.

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You see - the bazaar for the bizarre!

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Do you see what I mean? Do you understand? It's a play on...

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Yes. Now, I realise that these lampshades are going to call for some rather ribald remarks

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from the more plebeian factions of the town,

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but I said to myself, "She's my wife, and I must stand up for her."

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-That's very noble of you, sir!

-Yes. Then came the incident of the bath.

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-The bath?

-Mmm. You see, we have a rather old bath at home, and some of the enamel's chipped off,

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-and there's a dirty brown stain under the taps.

-Oh, dear.

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I was in the ironmonger's yesterday and saw some bath enamel,

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-so while she was shopping today, I put a coat on.

-Did it work?

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Only up to a point.

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Unfortunately, it takes five hours to dry...

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..and Elizabeth is very unpredictable, you see.

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How would I have known she'd take a bath in the middle of the day?

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-I was in my study when it happened.

-What happened?

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I heard a dreadful scream come from the bathroom,

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dashed in to find her standing in the bath...

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and the paint had come off in one long strip, you understand,

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she was wrapped in a sort of... a sort of...

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I see - a sort of enamel skirt.

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Quite!

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-There was hell to pay, of course!

-Yes.

-Then came the question of how to get the stuff off.

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Chemicals were no use,

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a pumice stone wouldn't shift it.

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-Sandpaper?

-Oh, no, no, no! Very delicate skin!

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Anyway, I managed to take off the bits that were hanging down

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and told her that she'd just have to let the rest wear off.

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She became hysterical, and to calm her down, I said,

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-"Don't worry, nobody will see you undressed."

-Did it do any good?

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Not at all.

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She ran into the bedroom and slammed the door.

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This means, of course, that she won't be here this afternoon.

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-I really am awfully sorry about that, sir.

-There's one thing which might retrieve the situation -

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one of Hodges' oranges.

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Now, that might calm her down, you see. She's very partial to oranges.

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-Well, let's hope that does the trick!

-There is only one consolation about the whole thing...

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-What's that?

-I shan't have to be embarrassed by any damn lampshades!

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-That's the lot.

-He will be pleased!

-What are you doing?!

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-Putting out Mrs Mainwaring's lampshades.

-How did you get them?

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Well, when I was coming here, I passed your house,

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and on the doorstep was a big box.

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I was standing there, the door opened a crack,

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and a finger beckoned to me.

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So I went up, and underneath the fingernail was white paint.

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There was this mad, cackling laugh, the finger pointed at the box, and the door slammed.

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You don't think it's your cleaning lady gone potty, do you?

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-Here are two more.

-They're lovely!

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Hey, everybody, look at these lampshades Mrs Mainwaring made!

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You stupid boy!

0:19:510:19:53

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?

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Welcome to our winter bazaar, and here to perform the opening ceremony is our popular town clerk,

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Mr Gordon!

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-Go and fetch the brawn! We're opening!

-Oh, right.

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Good afternoon, citizens!

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Now, as you know, this bazaar is in aid of the town's Comforts for the Troops fund.

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Every penny that you give... will be another nail...

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in Hitler's coffin!

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-PEOPLE CHEER

-Hear! Hear!

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So go to it with a will!

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I now declare this bazaar...

0:20:350:20:38

well and truly open!

0:20:380:20:40

-Pompous idiot!

-Well, at least he was brief!

0:20:410:20:45

-WALK UP! WALK UP...

->

0:20:450:20:47

AND SEE MY LOVELY ORANGES!

0:20:470:20:49

I SHALL BE AUCTIONING THEM OFF AT HALF PAST FOUR! WALK UP! WALK UP!

0:20:490:20:55

-He makes it sound like a fairground!

-He's so common! He shouldn't be allowed in public places!

0:20:550:21:02

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! COME AND SEE MY MONSTER BRAWN!

0:21:020:21:07

Due to circumstances beyond my control, it will only be on view for a few minutes at a time,

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as it has to wait outside.

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Make way for the brawn!

0:21:150:21:17

Make way!

0:21:170:21:19

There we are!

0:21:190:21:21

Monster brawn's arrived!

0:21:210:21:25

Stand still, man! How can I get a likeness if you keep fidgeting?

0:21:250:21:30

-Do try some elderberry wine!

-Thank you!

0:21:300:21:33

I think I'll go and get some tombola tickets, Wilson.

0:21:330:21:37

They've got a bottle of whisky for the first prize.

0:21:370:21:41

Elizabeth takes a drop now and again - purely medicinal, of course.

0:21:410:21:43

Yes, of course.

0:21:430:21:46

Ladies and gentlemen. It is now three o'clock,

0:21:470:21:50

-and the monster brawn will be on view for a further ten minutes!

-Mind your backs, please!

0:21:500:21:57

Guess what...

0:21:590:22:01

-I'll buy some more tombola tickets.

-You've bought a lot already, sir.

0:22:070:22:12

-Haven't you won anything?

-Only this boat race favour!

-It's awfully attractive - it's Cambridge, too!

0:22:120:22:19

-Sorry, Mr Gordon.

-Look what I've won, Captain Mainwaring!

0:22:210:22:25

A bottle of whisky!

0:22:250:22:27

Heaven certainly smiled on me this afternoon!

0:22:270:22:31

-Would you like some more tickets?

-No, thank you.

0:22:310:22:34

Pikey, quickly! Outside with it! It's melting!

0:22:340:22:38

I'm sick and tired of lugging this thing in and out all afternoon!

0:22:380:22:42

-Don't joggle it about!

-Make way!

0:22:420:22:46

Good heavens! What's that?

0:22:460:22:48

-Sponge!

-Yes, Captain Mainwaring?

0:22:490:22:52

-Why is she wearing that lampshade?

-I couldn't sell them as lampshades,

0:22:520:22:57

-so I'm selling them as funny hats.

-How dare you!

0:22:570:23:00

-(SLURRING)

-Sho shorry!

0:23:000:23:02

-I beg your pardon!

-That's all right.

-What's the matter with him?

-He's tiddly.

-How could he be?

0:23:040:23:11

What's going on over there?

0:23:110:23:14

They're drunk!

0:23:140:23:15

Stay away!

0:23:150:23:17

-How much wine have you sold?

-None at all, I'm afraid, sir.

0:23:170:23:22

What about these empty bottles?

0:23:220:23:25

Everybody's tasting it, but nobody's buying it.

0:23:250:23:28

-While I was outside with the brawn, a despatch rider asked me to give you this.

-Where is he now?

0:23:290:23:36

-He's getting on his bike.

-Stop him. I want to talk to him.

0:23:360:23:40

Captain Mainwaring, I want to raffle the brawn now.

0:23:400:23:44

-We can't keep lugging it in and out.

-Sorry, he's gone.

0:23:440:23:48

-Mr Jones, there's something outside you ought to see.

-What is it?

-Brace yourself for a shock!

0:23:480:23:54

This will be about tomorrow's exercise. After the auction, get the men into my office.

0:23:540:24:00

All right, sir.

0:24:000:24:02

Captain Mainwaring!

0:24:020:24:04

That despatch rider's run over my brawn!

0:24:040:24:08

Good heavens! How did he do that?

0:24:110:24:14

He sort of went...brmmm!

0:24:140:24:17

WALK UP! WALK UP! I SHALL NOW AUCTION MY ORANGES!

0:24:200:24:24

WALK UP!

0:24:240:24:25

WALK UP!

0:24:250:24:27

-I'm determined to get an orange!

-How high are you prepared to go?

0:24:270:24:32

Where my wife is concerned, the sky's the limit!

0:24:320:24:36

Here, Mr Hodges! I just heard Captain Mainwaring say

0:24:360:24:39

-he's determined to get one of those oranges!

-Well, he's not going to! I'll see to that!

0:24:390:24:46

Now, lot one, the first orange. Now, what am I bid for this lovely juicy orange?

0:24:460:24:52

Sixpence down here. Thank you very much!

0:24:520:24:56

-Can I say one shilling now? I have sixpence down here.

-One shilling.

0:24:560:25:00

-Sold for one shilling!

-I haven't finished bidding!

-You want to speak up a bit sharpish!

0:25:000:25:07

You mumble, that's your trouble!

0:25:070:25:09

Right, lot two. What am I bid for this lovely juicy orange?

0:25:090:25:14

-One shilling.

-Thank you very much.

0:25:140:25:17

Can I say two shillings now? I have one shilling down here.

0:25:170:25:21

Two shillings, anybody? I have a shilling down here!

0:25:210:25:25

I'm withdrawing this orange from the sale!

0:25:250:25:29

-Why?

-It hasn't reached its reserve price!

0:25:290:25:32

-What is its reserve price?

-Mind your own business!

0:25:320:25:36

-Frank, you buy the orange for Captain Mainwaring.

-All right.

0:25:360:25:40

Lot three. What am I bid for this lovely orange?

0:25:400:25:44

One shilling, thank you very much.

0:25:440:25:47

Can I say two shillings? Two shillings, thank you very much.

0:25:470:25:51

Can I say three shillings now? Can I say three?

0:25:510:25:55

Three shillings, thank you.

0:25:550:25:58

Can I say four shillings for this lovely round orange?

0:25:580:26:02

Four shillings! Thank you very much indeed!

0:26:020:26:05

Can I say five for this lovely orange now?

0:26:050:26:08

Don't forget - all the money goes to the troops. Can I say five?

0:26:080:26:13

Five! Thank you very much! Can I say six?

0:26:150:26:18

Can I say six? Come along! This lovely juicy orange!

0:26:180:26:22

Six! Thank you very much! Can I say seven now for this lovely orange?

0:26:240:26:29

Only fell off the tree last week!

0:26:290:26:32

Seven! Thank you to the little fat gentleman in the front!

0:26:320:26:38

Can I say eight now?

0:26:400:26:42

I've got seven. Can I say eight?

0:26:420:26:44

Anybody, eight?

0:26:440:26:47

Eight shillings! Thank you very much!

0:26:470:26:51

Can I say nine?

0:26:510:26:53

Nine shillings, thank you! Can I say ten shillings?

0:26:540:26:57

It's going for the first time at nine shillings... Going for the second time at nine shillings...

0:26:570:27:05

-Sold for ten shillings!

-What are you doing?!

0:27:070:27:10

-Frank bought it for you.

-Why didn't you say so? I've been bidding against myself!

0:27:100:27:16

-It was in your own interest!

-Get the men in the office!

-All right.

0:27:160:27:21

Ten shillings for an orange?! The boy's gone off his head!

0:27:210:27:25

-Your orange, Mr Mainwaring!

-Thank you.

0:27:250:27:29

PHONE RINGS See who that is, will you?

0:27:290:27:32

Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs Mainwaring.

0:27:320:27:35

Er, tell her I'm not here.

0:27:360:27:39

He says he's not here.

0:27:390:27:41

Yes. I'll give him that message. You're going to stay with your sister for the weekend. Right.

0:27:420:27:49

Tell her I've got an orange for her.

0:27:490:27:52

-(MIMICS MAINWARING)

-He's got an orange for you.

0:27:520:27:57

I don't think he could do that!

0:27:570:27:59

She hung up!

0:28:010:28:03

-You wanted to see us, sir?

-Yes.

-I'll round up the others, sir.

-Don't bother. Close the door.

0:28:030:28:10

I just wanted to thank you, men,

0:28:100:28:12

for all your hard work today.

0:28:120:28:14

Once again, you've given your best,

0:28:140:28:17

and the ten shillings I paid for this orange have swelled the coffers enormously.

0:28:170:28:23

-You haven't paid me yet!

-Quiet, boy! Now...

0:28:230:28:27

this orange cost ten shillings, and I'm going to share it with you.

0:28:270:28:32

-That's very good of you, sir.

-Your generosity is beyond all bounds!

0:28:320:28:38

Thank you so much, sir.

0:28:380:28:40

-You're like a father and mother to us, Captain Mainwaring!

-To us! Comrades in arms! To us!

0:28:400:28:46

Here, you'll find that orange rather bitter. It's for making marmalade!

0:28:460:28:52

Subtitles by BBC

0:29:370:29:41

E-mail [email protected]

0:29:410:29:45

A special Christmas episode of the classic sitcom from 1976. The platoon decide to help the vicar with his bazaar to raise money for comforts for the troops. Three oranges are to be auctioned, and Captain Mainwaring is determined to get one for his wife.