Sgt Wilson's Little Secret Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

Before dismissal, Captain Mainwaring asked me to bring your attention to an item in yesterday's paper

about a member of the Home Guard in the Midlands was fined £5, for being drunk in charge of his rifle.

-Permission to speak?

-Yes?

I'm sure you do not believe that one of us would behave in a like manner. It's a slurge on our integrity.

No offence was intended. I think the Captain just wanted it drawn

to your attention, so that we might all benefit from the lesson.

-What lesson?

-Don't take your gun to a party!

If the captain wants to insult us he should do it to our faces.

All right, I'm sure Captain Mainwaring didn't intend to offend any of you.

-Where is he, then?

-He's here.

-Doing what - hiding?

-Yes, I suppose he is!

-It's not surprising! Calling us drunks!

My mum won't allow me to drink.

I take an occasional drink, but calling us drunks is a bit of a liberty.

All right, all right. Captain Mainwaring is going to give us a surprise lecture.

So when you fall out, I want you to all gather round in a little semicircle.

Is that quite clear?

Well, do that, then, will you? Fall out.

Fall out... Captain Mainwaring?

The men are ready, sir.

-You can announce me now.

-All right.

Captain Mainwaring is going to show you something...unusual.

-Is he going to do a comic turn?

-What's unusual about that(?)

Evening, men.

-You're wondering why I'm dressed like this?

-Aye!

-No(!)

As you see me like this, can you guess what my lecture is about?

Pruning fruit trees, sir?

No, Godfrey.

It's camouflage. Now I want a volunteer to drop in the scenery.

I would like to volunteer to drop in the scenery.

-It's a bit heavy.

-It's all right. I'm used to this type of work, sir.

I helped with the vicarage pantomime last year, sir.

-I done the beanstalk...

-All right. Stand over on the side there.

-We don't call it the side. It's the wings.

-Right, stand in the wings.

-Thank you, sir.

-Stand by the curtain.

-Yes, sir.

-The object of camouflage is to merge into one's background. Draw the curtain.

-Right, sir.

Now you will observe how I stand out clearly against a plain background. Corporal?

-Yes, sir?

-Drop in the scene with the woodland.

-Coming down, sir. Woodland scene, sir. Right, sir.

Now you will observe how well I merge with my background.

How could I improve the camouflage?

Disguise yourself as a coal scuttle.

-Coal scuttle?

-You'll burn your bum if you stand there!

Corporal! You put the wrong scene in! I want the woodland scene.

-Sorry. That's the baron's kitchen.

-Yes, I know what it is.

We had a lot of fun with that, didn't we, Joe?

-The horse brought the pumpkin...

-Yes, yes! Put the woodland scene in.

-Now, as I was saying...

-Excuse me, sir...

-We had a lot of trouble with the pony - just where you're standing.

-Corporal! Get the woodland scene.

Woodland scene coming in now.

-Ow! It's on my foot!

-Sorry, sir! Sorry, sir.

Jones, where are you?

Jones?

Mr Mainwaring?

Where's Mr Mainwaring?

He went round the back, I think.

-Are you there, sir?

-Of course! Open this door!

-It's stuck.

Could you go round and help Captain Mainwaring?

-There you are!

-Get the woodland scene!

-Right.

I'll just be a minute, sir. BANGING

-I can't get through, sir!

-Well, hang on where you are!

Right-oh, sir.

Where are you?

Get it down, Sergeant. You're no better than he is!

Sorry. I've never done a beanstalk.

-Take it up. Are you all right?

-Fit as a flea, sir!

-That was fun, wasn't it?

-You better go and sit down.

-Right. Can you manage all right, sir?

-Just about(!)

Now, what do you think of that?

That's the best turn I've seen in years, sir!

All right, everybody!

Now, the points I want you to notice are... The face...

For this, we need corks. Champagne corks are best. Cook them right through under the grill, then...

Serve them on toast. Very tasty!

Walker, your very life may depend on this one day!

Grind them up, mix them with grease and apply them. Any questions?

Yes! Where do we get champagne corks? Remember, there's a war on!

I know! As usual, we'll improvise.

-Permission to speak?

-Yes?

-Get an old cork bath mat and chop it up.

-Good idea. Make a note of that.

-You'd have a job getting one of them - very scarce.

-Why?

-There's a war on. I do just happen to have one...

As it's for the platoon, 30 bob.

Thank you(!) We'll find another source.

-What about medicine bottle corks? I'll ask at the clinic.

-Good idea.

Blackleg!

You'll also notice that I'm covered from head to foot in foliage.

-JONES: Good job there's no squirrels about!

-Who said that?

Any further questions?

Yes! What do you do in winter, when there's no foliage?

Yes, good question. Anybody got any thoughts on that?

What about holly, sir? There's an abundance of holly in winter.

-Cover ourselves in holly?

-Or mistletoe.

Well, our main task, men, is to blur the outline, break up the outline.

I'm going to dismiss you and I want you back here in an hour, fully camouflaged.

Understood? Right, off you go.

# Thumbs up and say it's tickety-boo

# Cos tickety-boo means everything will be fine... #

Left, left, left, right, left.

Turn... Halt!

Good.

Left turn!

-Excellent turnout, men! Isn't it, Wilson?

-Absolutely first-class, sir.

Who's this?

-No idea, sir.

-It's me, sir. I'm disguised as a small haystack.

-Ah, Walker! Very good indeed.

A-choo!

-What's wrong with you, Pike?

-Sorry, sir, it's my hay fever.

-Well, go to the end of the line.

-Thank you, sir.

-What's this?

I tried several things on, but nothing seemed to suit me.

-You're supposed to break up the outline.

-I thought I was sufficiently broken up as it is.

-What's this?

-My apiaristic mask.

-Your what?

-Beekeeping, sir.

-It's full of holes.

I know. I should mend them, but my bees are quite friendly.

Why this? You look as if you're on a cruise to the South Seas!

I had the idea from a picture I saw with my sisters. South Of Pago Pago. Dorothy Lamour and Victor Mature.

Was it good? I liked it, but my sisters thought Miss Lamour was a bit fast.

Ah.

-What's this got to do with camouflage?

-I don't know,

-but I thought it looked open-air.

-I see.

I rather agree, sir. It does look rather open-air.

What have you been to see? Phantom Of The Opera?

No. This is winter camouflage. You wear it in the snow.

Well done, Frazer(!)

-Why aren't you in camouflage?

-I am, sir. As a butcher.

-You are a butcher!

-I know I am, sir, and you know I am,

-but that don't mean the Germans know.

-I don't quite follow this.

Well, I'll be standing outside my shop a bit nonchalant,

and along will come a German soldier

and he'll see me in this apparel.

Just as he's beginning to treat me with ignore, I go whup with the old cold steel.

They cannot brook that sort of thing, they will not brook it.

I'm aware of that, Corporal.

-What's the meaning of this?

-I've got a note for you from my mum.

"I'm not having our Frank covered in a lot of damp leaves.

"It will only set off his chest again." Right! That finishes it!

-I'd like a word with you!

-Right.

I've never heard anything like this in my life!

-The way she mollycoddles her son is absurd!

-Yes, sir.

-She's always interfering in the platoon.

-Yes, sir.

-What if all our men came with notes from their mothers?

-It would look a bit odd!

-It would - at their ages, yes!

-Someone's got to talk with her.

-Yes.

-You're friendly with her?

-Yes.

Yes, I am sir. We go to the cinema every now and then.

Sometimes she asks me back for a meal, that sort of thing.

-What sort of thing?

-Whatever she happens to be cooking at the time.

-I see.

-She's got my ration book. It makes it easier.

-I'm sure it does.

-You've got to speak to her.

-Yes, sir.

-I wouldn't let my own wife tell me how to run the platoon.

-A woman's place is at home.

-Yes.

-I wouldn't let her tell me what to do.

PHONE RINGS Hello? Mrs Mainwaring. Yes.

Just a moment. Your wife, sir. On the phone.

-Really?

-Yes.

Hello?

Elizabeth?

Well, I'm very busy. I can't get home for at least half an hour.

I see.

Well, I'll leave you to lock up, Wilson.

-Speak to Mrs Pike.

-Yes, sir.

-There's only one way to deal with women.

-Yes?

-Be firm.

-I'll be firm.

# I got no strings to hold me down To make me fret or make me frown

# I had strings but now I'm free... #

Frank! That's a week's butter!

-Oh, dear!

-What's the matter?

-It's from the WVS.

They want us to take in a evacuee.

We ought to do all we can to help.

We could manage one all right.

He can have the room at the back. I'll let them know tonight.

-Isn't Uncle Arthur meant to be here?

-He should be here in a minute.

-You don't mind, do you?

-No. I quite like him.

-No, I mean about having a little evacuee to stay?

-Oh, no, no.

The trouble is children grow up so quickly these days. It'd be nice to have a child about the house again.

-I wonder if it's a boy or a girl.

-We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

You know, Frank, it'll be funny being a mother again after all these years.

Don't say anything to Uncle Arthur about this just at the moment.

-I'll tell him in my own time.

-All right, Mum.

-There you are! You're late!

-Yes. L-Late.

-Hurry up or your tea'll get cold.

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Frank.

-Uncle Arthur.

-You're ever so pale. Are you all right?

-Yes, no, yes... I'm all right.

-Doesn't he look pale?

You know what they say - pale and passionate!

Enough of that! Finish your tea!

-Something to eat, Arthur?

-No, thanks, I'm quite all right.

-I'm not really hungry.

-You must eat something. I know, I got some nursery biscuits today.

Please don't bother. It's very kind. I'm just...I'm just not hungry.

You like nursery biscuits. They've got little icing children on them!

I know what they look like, but I don't want one at the moment.

-No need to snap!

-I'm not.

-I used all me points to get them!

I'm sorry. I just seem... I just seem to have somehow lost my appetite.

I have to be very careful with everything on points.

-The only thing that isn't on points is a baby!

-Frank!

Don't be so coarse!

Do you get this from some of those rough men in the Home Guard?

-I'll talk to Mr Mainwaring.

-No!

-No!

-Don't do that!

-I'll go and put my uniform on.

What's wrong? It's not like you to look so miserable all the time.

Mavis, I couldn't help overhearing what you said to Frank just now.

-Oh, you mean about the addition to the family?

-Yes.

-Why should you be worried?

-But I do worry.

-How can you take it all so calmly?

-Well, what do you expect me to do?

-What?

-Well, I'm not the only woman in this situation.

Couldn't you keep still just for a moment?

-I feel a bit responsible for this.

-I don't see why you should.

-I'm the one who decided to have the child.

-Why?

Why? Because there's a war on!

-We must all do our bit!

-What's the war got to do with it?

-I wouldn't be having the child if there wasn't a war on!

-Well...

Stop trailing about after me! I'm trying to get on!

Hurry up, or you'll be late for your parade.

-Could I speak to you? Oh, that boy!

-Ready, Uncle Arthur!

I'll join you shortly. Tell them I'm coming.

It is a little bit worrying, don't you think?

# Whose baby are you, dear?.. #

Now, men, as you will all have read on the noticeboard,

we're having a monthly competition for the best improvised weapon or method of defence.

A prize will come out of platoon funds. What is it, Corporal?

Two lamb chops and a quarter-pound of chitlings.

Hear that? Two lamb chops and chitlings. What are chitlings?

-The secret part of a pig, sir.

-Really. A worthy prize, indeed.

-We have three entrants. Wilson, Frazer and Walker.

-Jonesy, give me a hand.

We'll ask Sgt Wilson to demonstrate his. Carry on, Sergeant.

-Sergeant!

-Sorry.

We're waiting for you to show us your grenade-firing crossbow.

-My what?

-Your crossbow.

I really am terribly sorry, sir.

-I left it at home.

-You left it?

-What's the matter with you?

-What?

-You're in a dream.

-Are you ill?

-I'm quite all right.

-Pull yourself together. I'll talk to you later.

-Yes.

In the absence of the crossbow, let's see Frazer's anti-tank device.

Aye!

Well, sir, this is the road.

I place a row of plates, upside down, in a line,

right along it, so.

-It's an anti-tank device?

-Aye.

-Dinner plates?

-Dinner plates.

Please continue.

The enemy tank comes along. He sees the line of plates in his path.

He disnae know what they are. He stops and gets out to have a look.

Meantime, we are hiding behind cover. As soon as he gets out his tank, we let him have it - bam!

-What do you think?

-Not bad at all.

Right, we better call on Private...

Oh... Private Walker!

Right, the greatest invention since the Spitfire!

-The most remarkable piece of personal protection.

-You're not in the marketplace. Get on.

Oh, well, yeah. Well, it's a sort of shoulder protector.

From ack-ack, you know, flack and shrapnel.

It'll protect you from that and any blow from a weapon. You all right?

Here you go.

-How's that?

-Never felt a thing.

It's a good idea. Very good, indeed, Walker.

Well, two excellent ideas from Frazer and Walker.

We'll decide the winner by the usual show of hands.

Hands up those who liked Frazer's device. One, two, three, four...

Now Walker's. One, two...

-Walker's the clear winner.

-Pah!

Don't take it to heart. I'll give you some of me chitlings!

We shall equip the entire platoon. There are 17 of us, so we shall need nine old tyres.

Slight snag. Tyres are like gold dust now. Can't get them anywhere.

-So why suggest it? Give Frazer the prize.

-Hang on, hang on!

I do happen to have a few tyres in the yard!

-Ten bob apiece. How's that?

-It's outrageous.

-My friend had got some old tyres.

-He bleeding would have!

I'm sure he would let you have them for nothing.

-That's better. I'll cut them up for you!

-Be quiet! Sit down!

Sergeant, dismiss the parade.

Sergeant.

-I'll see you in my office now.

-All right.

-Dismiss the parade, Jones.

Attention!

Dismissed!

-Come in, Wilson.

-Right, sir.

-Shut the door.

-Sorry.

-What's the matter?

-The matter, sir?

You've been daydreaming, you haven't been listening when I spoke and you left your crossbow at home.

It's all rather difficult, sir.

-You better sit down.

-Thank you.

-Are you in some sort of trouble?

-It's not me, sir, it's not me.

-It's Mrs Pike.

-How do you mean?

-What...? Well, she's...er...

Now, look, Wilson.

I'm not only your commanding officer. I'm also your friend.

-Thank you.

-I don't want you to feel any hesitation in confiding in me.

What's all this about Mrs Pike?

Well, er...you see, sir, she's...

-..going to have a baby.

-Really?

That is good news. Her husband will be delighted.

Wait a minute! She's a widow!

-That's right.

-How on Earth can she be having a baby?

I thought you only went round for meals.

I did tell you, sir, that she's got my ration book.

Yes. She's got something else now, hasn't she?

I can hardly believe my ears!

I've come to the conclusion I don't know you, Wilson.

You're a cad, that's what you are.

-How long have you known her?

-Quite a few years now, sir.

-Why didn't you ask her to marry you?

-I never got round to it.

You better get round to it! You can't behave like Errol Flynn!

What do you think the bank directors would say?

-I've no idea, sir.

-I have! You must do the only honourable thing.

-Ask her to marry you.

-Yes, quite, quite.

-I'll speak to her in the next few days.

-No, tonight!

-No time to lose.

-It's Tuesday.

-So?

-She goes to bed early on a Tuesday.

-Why?

-She always gets terribly tired on Mondays.

-You'll just have to wake her.

-Yes.

-I want the whole thing settled by the morning.

-Right.

-That's all.

-Can I leave the room now?

-Go.

# If I should fall in love again

# I'd fall in love... #

DOORBELL RINGS

-WINDOW OPENS

-Who's that?

It's me, Mavis. I want to talk to you.

-What do you want at this time?

-It's only ten. I must talk to you.

-What will the neighbours think?

-I can't help that!

-All right.

-OK. I'll come down.

-Do hurry up.

What's going on here?

Sorry. I saw a shadowy figure and thought something fishy was going on.

Everything's quite all right.

-She locked you out, has she?

-No, she hasn't. It's quite all right.

-Lost your key?

-I don't have a key.

-I've got a bunch. Three bob.

I came here to remind young Pike about the parade tomorrow night.

-You'll see him in the bank tomorrow.

-And to remind him about that.

Are you still there?

-Of course.

-I'd only just got undressed.

-Another minute and I'd have been asleep.

-Mavis, please!

I'm a man of discretion. We all have our private lives to lead.

-Mum's the word.

-Just go away!

-Please, open the door.

-I can't. I've locked up.

-Besides my mother's here. What would she think?

-I can't help that. Mavis, I must talk to you.

-Talk through the letterbox.

-This is embarrassing.

-What is it you want?

Mavis, look... I...

Will you marry me?

Arthur, darling!

Put that light out! >

I'm going to dismiss you a little earlier tonight.

On Saturday, Sgt Wilson and Mrs Pike are getting married.

We're to be the guard of honour.

I want a little rehearsal. Assume that the door to the hall there represents the church entrance.

On fall out, form two ranks on either side of the church porch.

-Understand?

-Yes.

-Attention!

Platoon, fall out!

Quickly as you can. Two ranks down the side of the church.

On the appearance of the happy pair...

..I want you to draw bayonets and form an arch over them. You've seen the sort of thing in the papers.

-Sergeant, take your place.

-Is this absolutely necessary?

-Yes! We want to do it properly.

-It's a bit embarrassing.

We want someone to take Mrs Pike's place.

-Permission to speak!

-Yes?

-I'll take Mrs Pike's place.

I thought you might. Go on.

Right...

Present bayonets!

Not you, Corporal! Corporal, not you!

Put your arm through Sgt Wilson's. Right, down you come.

THEY SING "The Wedding March"

-Smile! It's your wedding day!

-Don't be nervous, Sergeant.

-Our little newcomer's arrived.

-Oh, good heavens!

-It's a dear little boy.

-Little boy?

-W-When?

-Half an hour ago.

-Half an hour?

You'll never guess - his name's Arthur, too!

This is the addition to the family. Our little evacuee.

-Are you my Uncle Arthur?

-No, this is your Uncle Arthur. He'll be pleased to see you!

Absolutely delighted and somewhat relieved, curiously enough.

Subtitles by Martin Maguire BBC 1998