Sgt Wilson's Little Secret Dad's Army


Sgt Wilson's Little Secret

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Before dismissal, Captain Mainwaring asked me to bring your attention to an item in yesterday's paper

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about a member of the Home Guard in the Midlands was fined £5, for being drunk in charge of his rifle.

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-Permission to speak?

-Yes?

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I'm sure you do not believe that one of us would behave in a like manner. It's a slurge on our integrity.

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No offence was intended. I think the Captain just wanted it drawn

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to your attention, so that we might all benefit from the lesson.

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-What lesson?

-Don't take your gun to a party!

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If the captain wants to insult us he should do it to our faces.

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All right, I'm sure Captain Mainwaring didn't intend to offend any of you.

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-Where is he, then?

-He's here.

-Doing what - hiding?

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-Yes, I suppose he is!

-It's not surprising! Calling us drunks!

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My mum won't allow me to drink.

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I take an occasional drink, but calling us drunks is a bit of a liberty.

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All right, all right. Captain Mainwaring is going to give us a surprise lecture.

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So when you fall out, I want you to all gather round in a little semicircle.

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Is that quite clear?

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Well, do that, then, will you? Fall out.

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Fall out... Captain Mainwaring?

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The men are ready, sir.

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-You can announce me now.

-All right.

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Captain Mainwaring is going to show you something...unusual.

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-Is he going to do a comic turn?

-What's unusual about that(?)

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Evening, men.

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-You're wondering why I'm dressed like this?

-Aye!

-No(!)

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As you see me like this, can you guess what my lecture is about?

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Pruning fruit trees, sir?

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No, Godfrey.

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It's camouflage. Now I want a volunteer to drop in the scenery.

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I would like to volunteer to drop in the scenery.

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-It's a bit heavy.

-It's all right. I'm used to this type of work, sir.

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I helped with the vicarage pantomime last year, sir.

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-I done the beanstalk...

-All right. Stand over on the side there.

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-We don't call it the side. It's the wings.

-Right, stand in the wings.

-Thank you, sir.

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-Stand by the curtain.

-Yes, sir.

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-The object of camouflage is to merge into one's background. Draw the curtain.

-Right, sir.

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Now you will observe how I stand out clearly against a plain background. Corporal?

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-Yes, sir?

-Drop in the scene with the woodland.

-Coming down, sir. Woodland scene, sir. Right, sir.

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Now you will observe how well I merge with my background.

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How could I improve the camouflage?

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Disguise yourself as a coal scuttle.

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-Coal scuttle?

-You'll burn your bum if you stand there!

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Corporal! You put the wrong scene in! I want the woodland scene.

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-Sorry. That's the baron's kitchen.

-Yes, I know what it is.

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We had a lot of fun with that, didn't we, Joe?

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-The horse brought the pumpkin...

-Yes, yes! Put the woodland scene in.

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-Now, as I was saying...

-Excuse me, sir...

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-We had a lot of trouble with the pony - just where you're standing.

-Corporal! Get the woodland scene.

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Woodland scene coming in now.

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-Ow! It's on my foot!

-Sorry, sir! Sorry, sir.

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Jones, where are you?

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Jones?

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Mr Mainwaring?

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Where's Mr Mainwaring?

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He went round the back, I think.

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-Are you there, sir?

-Of course! Open this door!

-It's stuck.

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Could you go round and help Captain Mainwaring?

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-There you are!

-Get the woodland scene!

-Right.

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I'll just be a minute, sir. BANGING

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-I can't get through, sir!

-Well, hang on where you are!

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Right-oh, sir.

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Where are you?

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Get it down, Sergeant. You're no better than he is!

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Sorry. I've never done a beanstalk.

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-Take it up. Are you all right?

-Fit as a flea, sir!

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-That was fun, wasn't it?

-You better go and sit down.

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-Right. Can you manage all right, sir?

-Just about(!)

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Now, what do you think of that?

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That's the best turn I've seen in years, sir!

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All right, everybody!

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Now, the points I want you to notice are... The face...

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For this, we need corks. Champagne corks are best. Cook them right through under the grill, then...

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Serve them on toast. Very tasty!

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Walker, your very life may depend on this one day!

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Grind them up, mix them with grease and apply them. Any questions?

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Yes! Where do we get champagne corks? Remember, there's a war on!

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I know! As usual, we'll improvise.

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-Permission to speak?

-Yes?

-Get an old cork bath mat and chop it up.

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-Good idea. Make a note of that.

-You'd have a job getting one of them - very scarce.

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-Why?

-There's a war on. I do just happen to have one...

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As it's for the platoon, 30 bob.

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Thank you(!) We'll find another source.

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-What about medicine bottle corks? I'll ask at the clinic.

-Good idea.

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Blackleg!

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You'll also notice that I'm covered from head to foot in foliage.

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-JONES: Good job there's no squirrels about!

-Who said that?

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Any further questions?

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Yes! What do you do in winter, when there's no foliage?

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Yes, good question. Anybody got any thoughts on that?

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What about holly, sir? There's an abundance of holly in winter.

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-Cover ourselves in holly?

-Or mistletoe.

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Well, our main task, men, is to blur the outline, break up the outline.

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I'm going to dismiss you and I want you back here in an hour, fully camouflaged.

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Understood? Right, off you go.

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# Thumbs up and say it's tickety-boo

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# Cos tickety-boo means everything will be fine... #

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Left, left, left, right, left.

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Turn... Halt!

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Good.

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Left turn!

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-Excellent turnout, men! Isn't it, Wilson?

-Absolutely first-class, sir.

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Who's this?

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-No idea, sir.

-It's me, sir. I'm disguised as a small haystack.

-Ah, Walker! Very good indeed.

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A-choo!

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-What's wrong with you, Pike?

-Sorry, sir, it's my hay fever.

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-Well, go to the end of the line.

-Thank you, sir.

-What's this?

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I tried several things on, but nothing seemed to suit me.

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-You're supposed to break up the outline.

-I thought I was sufficiently broken up as it is.

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-What's this?

-My apiaristic mask.

-Your what?

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-Beekeeping, sir.

-It's full of holes.

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I know. I should mend them, but my bees are quite friendly.

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Why this? You look as if you're on a cruise to the South Seas!

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I had the idea from a picture I saw with my sisters. South Of Pago Pago. Dorothy Lamour and Victor Mature.

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Was it good? I liked it, but my sisters thought Miss Lamour was a bit fast.

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Ah.

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-What's this got to do with camouflage?

-I don't know,

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-but I thought it looked open-air.

-I see.

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I rather agree, sir. It does look rather open-air.

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What have you been to see? Phantom Of The Opera?

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No. This is winter camouflage. You wear it in the snow.

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Well done, Frazer(!)

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-Why aren't you in camouflage?

-I am, sir. As a butcher.

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-You are a butcher!

-I know I am, sir, and you know I am,

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-but that don't mean the Germans know.

-I don't quite follow this.

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Well, I'll be standing outside my shop a bit nonchalant,

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and along will come a German soldier

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and he'll see me in this apparel.

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Just as he's beginning to treat me with ignore, I go whup with the old cold steel.

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They cannot brook that sort of thing, they will not brook it.

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I'm aware of that, Corporal.

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-What's the meaning of this?

-I've got a note for you from my mum.

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"I'm not having our Frank covered in a lot of damp leaves.

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"It will only set off his chest again." Right! That finishes it!

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-I'd like a word with you!

-Right.

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I've never heard anything like this in my life!

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-The way she mollycoddles her son is absurd!

-Yes, sir.

-She's always interfering in the platoon.

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-Yes, sir.

-What if all our men came with notes from their mothers?

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-It would look a bit odd!

-It would - at their ages, yes!

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-Someone's got to talk with her.

-Yes.

-You're friendly with her?

-Yes.

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Yes, I am sir. We go to the cinema every now and then.

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Sometimes she asks me back for a meal, that sort of thing.

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-What sort of thing?

-Whatever she happens to be cooking at the time.

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-I see.

-She's got my ration book. It makes it easier.

-I'm sure it does.

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-You've got to speak to her.

-Yes, sir.

-I wouldn't let my own wife tell me how to run the platoon.

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-A woman's place is at home.

-Yes.

-I wouldn't let her tell me what to do.

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PHONE RINGS Hello? Mrs Mainwaring. Yes.

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Just a moment. Your wife, sir. On the phone.

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-Really?

-Yes.

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Hello?

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Elizabeth?

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Well, I'm very busy. I can't get home for at least half an hour.

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I see.

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Well, I'll leave you to lock up, Wilson.

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-Speak to Mrs Pike.

-Yes, sir.

-There's only one way to deal with women.

-Yes?

-Be firm.

-I'll be firm.

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# I got no strings to hold me down To make me fret or make me frown

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# I had strings but now I'm free... #

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Frank! That's a week's butter!

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-Oh, dear!

-What's the matter?

-It's from the WVS.

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They want us to take in a evacuee.

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We ought to do all we can to help.

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We could manage one all right.

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He can have the room at the back. I'll let them know tonight.

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-Isn't Uncle Arthur meant to be here?

-He should be here in a minute.

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-You don't mind, do you?

-No. I quite like him.

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-No, I mean about having a little evacuee to stay?

-Oh, no, no.

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The trouble is children grow up so quickly these days. It'd be nice to have a child about the house again.

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-I wonder if it's a boy or a girl.

-We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

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You know, Frank, it'll be funny being a mother again after all these years.

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Don't say anything to Uncle Arthur about this just at the moment.

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-I'll tell him in my own time.

-All right, Mum.

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-There you are! You're late!

-Yes. L-Late.

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-Hurry up or your tea'll get cold.

-Thank you. Thank you.

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-Frank.

-Uncle Arthur.

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-You're ever so pale. Are you all right?

-Yes, no, yes... I'm all right.

-Doesn't he look pale?

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You know what they say - pale and passionate!

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Enough of that! Finish your tea!

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-Something to eat, Arthur?

-No, thanks, I'm quite all right.

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-I'm not really hungry.

-You must eat something. I know, I got some nursery biscuits today.

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Please don't bother. It's very kind. I'm just...I'm just not hungry.

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You like nursery biscuits. They've got little icing children on them!

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I know what they look like, but I don't want one at the moment.

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-No need to snap!

-I'm not.

-I used all me points to get them!

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I'm sorry. I just seem... I just seem to have somehow lost my appetite.

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I have to be very careful with everything on points.

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-The only thing that isn't on points is a baby!

-Frank!

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Don't be so coarse!

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Do you get this from some of those rough men in the Home Guard?

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-I'll talk to Mr Mainwaring.

-No!

-No!

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-Don't do that!

-I'll go and put my uniform on.

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What's wrong? It's not like you to look so miserable all the time.

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Mavis, I couldn't help overhearing what you said to Frank just now.

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-Oh, you mean about the addition to the family?

-Yes.

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-Why should you be worried?

-But I do worry.

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-How can you take it all so calmly?

-Well, what do you expect me to do?

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-What?

-Well, I'm not the only woman in this situation.

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Couldn't you keep still just for a moment?

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-I feel a bit responsible for this.

-I don't see why you should.

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-I'm the one who decided to have the child.

-Why?

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Why? Because there's a war on!

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-We must all do our bit!

-What's the war got to do with it?

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-I wouldn't be having the child if there wasn't a war on!

-Well...

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Stop trailing about after me! I'm trying to get on!

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Hurry up, or you'll be late for your parade.

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-Could I speak to you? Oh, that boy!

-Ready, Uncle Arthur!

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I'll join you shortly. Tell them I'm coming.

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It is a little bit worrying, don't you think?

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# Whose baby are you, dear?.. #

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Now, men, as you will all have read on the noticeboard,

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we're having a monthly competition for the best improvised weapon or method of defence.

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A prize will come out of platoon funds. What is it, Corporal?

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Two lamb chops and a quarter-pound of chitlings.

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Hear that? Two lamb chops and chitlings. What are chitlings?

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-The secret part of a pig, sir.

-Really. A worthy prize, indeed.

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-We have three entrants. Wilson, Frazer and Walker.

-Jonesy, give me a hand.

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We'll ask Sgt Wilson to demonstrate his. Carry on, Sergeant.

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-Sergeant!

-Sorry.

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We're waiting for you to show us your grenade-firing crossbow.

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-My what?

-Your crossbow.

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I really am terribly sorry, sir.

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-I left it at home.

-You left it?

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-What's the matter with you?

-What?

-You're in a dream.

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-Are you ill?

-I'm quite all right.

-Pull yourself together. I'll talk to you later.

-Yes.

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In the absence of the crossbow, let's see Frazer's anti-tank device.

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Aye!

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Well, sir, this is the road.

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I place a row of plates, upside down, in a line,

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right along it, so.

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-It's an anti-tank device?

-Aye.

-Dinner plates?

-Dinner plates.

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Please continue.

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The enemy tank comes along. He sees the line of plates in his path.

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He disnae know what they are. He stops and gets out to have a look.

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Meantime, we are hiding behind cover. As soon as he gets out his tank, we let him have it - bam!

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-What do you think?

-Not bad at all.

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Right, we better call on Private...

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Oh... Private Walker!

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Right, the greatest invention since the Spitfire!

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-The most remarkable piece of personal protection.

-You're not in the marketplace. Get on.

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Oh, well, yeah. Well, it's a sort of shoulder protector.

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From ack-ack, you know, flack and shrapnel.

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It'll protect you from that and any blow from a weapon. You all right?

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Here you go.

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-How's that?

-Never felt a thing.

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It's a good idea. Very good, indeed, Walker.

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Well, two excellent ideas from Frazer and Walker.

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We'll decide the winner by the usual show of hands.

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Hands up those who liked Frazer's device. One, two, three, four...

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Now Walker's. One, two...

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-Walker's the clear winner.

-Pah!

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Don't take it to heart. I'll give you some of me chitlings!

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We shall equip the entire platoon. There are 17 of us, so we shall need nine old tyres.

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Slight snag. Tyres are like gold dust now. Can't get them anywhere.

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-So why suggest it? Give Frazer the prize.

-Hang on, hang on!

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I do happen to have a few tyres in the yard!

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-Ten bob apiece. How's that?

-It's outrageous.

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-My friend had got some old tyres.

-He bleeding would have!

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I'm sure he would let you have them for nothing.

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-That's better. I'll cut them up for you!

-Be quiet! Sit down!

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Sergeant, dismiss the parade.

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Sergeant.

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-I'll see you in my office now.

-All right.

-Dismiss the parade, Jones.

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Attention!

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Dismissed!

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-Come in, Wilson.

-Right, sir.

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-Shut the door.

-Sorry.

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-What's the matter?

-The matter, sir?

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You've been daydreaming, you haven't been listening when I spoke and you left your crossbow at home.

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It's all rather difficult, sir.

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-You better sit down.

-Thank you.

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-Are you in some sort of trouble?

-It's not me, sir, it's not me.

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-It's Mrs Pike.

-How do you mean?

-What...? Well, she's...er...

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Now, look, Wilson.

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I'm not only your commanding officer. I'm also your friend.

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-Thank you.

-I don't want you to feel any hesitation in confiding in me.

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What's all this about Mrs Pike?

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Well, er...you see, sir, she's...

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-..going to have a baby.

-Really?

0:22:210:22:23

That is good news. Her husband will be delighted.

0:22:230:22:28

Wait a minute! She's a widow!

0:22:310:22:34

-That's right.

-How on Earth can she be having a baby?

0:22:340:22:37

I thought you only went round for meals.

0:22:430:22:45

I did tell you, sir, that she's got my ration book.

0:22:480:22:52

Yes. She's got something else now, hasn't she?

0:22:520:22:57

I can hardly believe my ears!

0:22:590:23:01

I've come to the conclusion I don't know you, Wilson.

0:23:040:23:07

You're a cad, that's what you are.

0:23:090:23:11

-How long have you known her?

-Quite a few years now, sir.

0:23:110:23:15

-Why didn't you ask her to marry you?

-I never got round to it.

0:23:150:23:19

You better get round to it! You can't behave like Errol Flynn!

0:23:190:23:24

What do you think the bank directors would say?

0:23:260:23:28

-I've no idea, sir.

-I have! You must do the only honourable thing.

0:23:280:23:33

-Ask her to marry you.

-Yes, quite, quite.

0:23:330:23:36

-I'll speak to her in the next few days.

-No, tonight!

0:23:360:23:40

-No time to lose.

-It's Tuesday.

-So?

-She goes to bed early on a Tuesday.

0:23:410:23:46

-Why?

-She always gets terribly tired on Mondays.

0:23:460:23:48

-You'll just have to wake her.

-Yes.

-I want the whole thing settled by the morning.

-Right.

0:23:510:23:57

-That's all.

-Can I leave the room now?

-Go.

0:23:570:24:01

# If I should fall in love again

0:24:010:24:08

# I'd fall in love... #

0:24:080:24:10

DOORBELL RINGS

0:24:200:24:23

-WINDOW OPENS

-Who's that?

0:24:250:24:27

It's me, Mavis. I want to talk to you.

0:24:270:24:32

-What do you want at this time?

-It's only ten. I must talk to you.

0:24:320:24:37

-What will the neighbours think?

-I can't help that!

-All right.

0:24:370:24:41

-OK. I'll come down.

-Do hurry up.

0:24:410:24:43

What's going on here?

0:24:490:24:50

Sorry. I saw a shadowy figure and thought something fishy was going on.

0:24:500:24:56

Everything's quite all right.

0:24:560:24:58

-She locked you out, has she?

-No, she hasn't. It's quite all right.

0:24:580:25:03

-Lost your key?

-I don't have a key.

-I've got a bunch. Three bob.

0:25:030:25:08

I came here to remind young Pike about the parade tomorrow night.

0:25:100:25:14

-You'll see him in the bank tomorrow.

-And to remind him about that.

0:25:140:25:18

Are you still there?

0:25:180:25:20

-Of course.

-I'd only just got undressed.

0:25:200:25:24

-Another minute and I'd have been asleep.

-Mavis, please!

0:25:290:25:32

I'm a man of discretion. We all have our private lives to lead.

0:25:340:25:37

-Mum's the word.

-Just go away!

0:25:370:25:41

-Please, open the door.

-I can't. I've locked up.

0:25:420:25:46

-Besides my mother's here. What would she think?

-I can't help that. Mavis, I must talk to you.

0:25:460:25:53

-Talk through the letterbox.

-This is embarrassing.

-What is it you want?

0:25:530:25:58

Mavis, look... I...

0:25:580:26:01

Will you marry me?

0:26:010:26:04

Arthur, darling!

0:26:080:26:11

Put that light out! >

0:26:110:26:13

I'm going to dismiss you a little earlier tonight.

0:26:200:26:24

On Saturday, Sgt Wilson and Mrs Pike are getting married.

0:26:240:26:28

We're to be the guard of honour.

0:26:280:26:30

I want a little rehearsal. Assume that the door to the hall there represents the church entrance.

0:26:300:26:37

On fall out, form two ranks on either side of the church porch.

0:26:370:26:42

-Understand?

-Yes.

-Attention!

0:26:420:26:45

Platoon, fall out!

0:26:450:26:48

Quickly as you can. Two ranks down the side of the church.

0:26:490:26:54

On the appearance of the happy pair...

0:26:540:26:58

..I want you to draw bayonets and form an arch over them. You've seen the sort of thing in the papers.

0:27:000:27:07

-Sergeant, take your place.

-Is this absolutely necessary?

0:27:070:27:11

-Yes! We want to do it properly.

-It's a bit embarrassing.

0:27:110:27:16

We want someone to take Mrs Pike's place.

0:27:160:27:19

-Permission to speak!

-Yes?

-I'll take Mrs Pike's place.

0:27:190:27:24

I thought you might. Go on.

0:27:240:27:26

Right...

0:27:280:27:30

Present bayonets!

0:27:300:27:33

Not you, Corporal! Corporal, not you!

0:27:330:27:36

Put your arm through Sgt Wilson's. Right, down you come.

0:27:400:27:44

THEY SING "The Wedding March"

0:27:440:27:50

-Smile! It's your wedding day!

-Don't be nervous, Sergeant.

0:27:560:28:01

-Our little newcomer's arrived.

-Oh, good heavens!

0:28:010:28:05

-It's a dear little boy.

-Little boy?

0:28:050:28:08

-W-When?

-Half an hour ago.

-Half an hour?

0:28:080:28:12

You'll never guess - his name's Arthur, too!

0:28:120:28:16

This is the addition to the family. Our little evacuee.

0:28:160:28:20

-Are you my Uncle Arthur?

-No, this is your Uncle Arthur. He'll be pleased to see you!

0:28:200:28:26

Absolutely delighted and somewhat relieved, curiously enough.

0:28:260:28:32

Subtitles by Martin Maguire BBC 1998

0:29:060:29:12

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