Menace from the Deep Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again!

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done!?

# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun!

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done!? #

Welcome to Walmington-on-Sea(!) Blimey, what a dump!

I joined the Navy to see the world, not to get stuck on a ruddy pier!

You got on for nothing, didn't you? Before the war, you'd have had to pay a penny!

What's the time, mate? Four o'clock.

In two hours, it'll be ta-ra to sunny Walmington-on-Sea for good!

I wonder who's taking over. There's a detachment due in a week's time.

Somebody better tell Hitler not to invade this week. There won't be anybody to stop him.

Oh, yes, there will! The PO said the Home Guard are taking over for the week!

The Home Guard? Blimey! Gawd help poor old England!

Now, I'll just go through the details once more.

-Not again!

-Did you say something?

-Sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.

We've been entrusted with the task of manning the machine-gun post at the pier here.

You will notice that the pier has been blown up in the middle, to stop the enemy from landing there.

I think you will agree that we will need a boat to get from this end HERE to this end HERE.

-Hear, hear(!)

-Quiet! We have a dinghy, but unfortunately, it only holds three people.

It'll take several trips, and we need somebody to row.

Permission to speak! I volunteer to row the boat from there to there!

-I think it should be somebody who's more used to it.

-Oh, please!

-Sit down!

-Frazer, you were in the Navy. You row.

-Aye, sir.

We shall all proceed from this end HERE...

and shall embark from these steps here. Now, you, Frazer, will take Sgt Wilson and myself over first,

then you'll row back and pick up Walker and Jones, take them across,

-then you'll come back and pick up Pike and Godfrey, and then...

-Row back and pick up yourself.

I shan't tell you again! Now, let's do a check on what food we have, because we'll be out all night.

-Permission to speak, sir! I prepared three pounds of sausages at dinner-time.

-Good. Thank you.

-And I have mustard, sir. English, French or German.

-Just the English...

-I made a fruit-cake. I've got apples and tomatoes.

-I've got whisky.

-Eh?

-On the house!

-We shan't starve!

-No, sir. Sounds positively a gastronomic orgy.

-What have you brought?

-Well... a quarter-pound of acid drops. My favourite.

I'd never have guessed (!) Well, that's all. Now... Pike!

-You must not wear a coloured scarf with your uniform!

-Me mum says not to take it off. I get croup.

-Croup? Chickens get that, don't they?

-Yes, that's right.

-He gets it as well.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Extraordinary. Perhaps he should bring some eggs!

-Very nice little joke, sir!

-Right, come along. Quick as we can.

I want to get settled before darkness.

Men, pay attention to the way I get into the boat. I don't want anyone to fall in the water. Understand?

You will observe that I keep one foot on the ladder here...

and one hand on the post here.

The other foot is in the boat thus.

Don't jiggle about!

-Turn it around! Turn the boat round!

-Make up your mind what way you want to get in!

-Keep the boat still, Frazer!

-I'm keeping it as still as I can! >

Oi! Oi! Pay careful attention to Mr Mainwaring getting into the boat. We don't want anyone in the water!

Move over, Frazer! I can't get in!

How can I move over? I'm supposed to be rowing! Ow! >

You kicked me in the stomach, you stupid Sassenach! >

How dare you?! Take his name, Wilson.

Come in, number 27! Your time's up!

Walker! Report to me in the amusement arcade!

-Here you are, sir. Just a bit more. Well done. There you are, sir. Well done.

-Right. Thank you, Wilson.

-Go back for the others, Frazer, and get them in the boat properly!

-Away and die, you Sassenach git!

-What did he say?

-I have no idea, sir. It must have been Gaelic.

-Whatever it was, it sounded rude.

-Yes, indeed. Very unpleasant.

-Ah! Oh, well! This is all right, isn't it?

-Oh, yes, it is! It's absolutely delightful!

Ah! We'll set up the machine-gun out here. And we'll take it in turns to go on watch.

-Right, sir.

-Good. Oh, I say! A hammock! Good! I'll take that.

-Oh, now, really, sir!

What's the matter?

I really must protest, sir! Not even, "May I take the hammock?"

Or even, "Do you MIND if I take it?"

You just strut over and say, "I'm taking that." It's just the sort of behaviour I cannot stand!

Well, I'm sorry, Wilson. Perhaps it was a little unthinking of me, a little undemocratic.

-You know I'd never take advantage of my position.

-Really, sir?

-We shall take it in turns.

-Thank you.

-And I'm first.

-Ah! Walker! Good crossing?

-It was a bit choppy, sir.

-May I sit down, sir? I feel a little queer.

No time for that. Set up the gun.

Go on, Walker. Out on the sandbags.

And cover it up! We don't want the salt air in it!

If Hitler invades, we shall be in the thick of it. Wish he would. I'm spoiling for a fight.

-Are you really, sir?

-Who gets the hammock?

-We're taking turns.

-The Captain's going first.

-Is he? I AM surprised.

Put the black-outs up.

Right, sir.

Hello, sir. Captain Mainwaring reporting. Yes, we've taken up our positions. We're ready for Hitler.

No, no, no. Snug as a bug in a rug, here. Yes.

If Gerry gets past us, it'll be over our dead bodies.

Thank you very much, sir. Goodbye. That's the sort of fighting talk they like at GHQ, Wilson.

Here we are, sir. Frazer and I are here. Pike is tying up the boat. Listen!

WIND WHISTLES What's that sound?

It's the wind in the girders.

Aye, that's what YOU'D call it. But to somebody like mysel', who's spent his entire life at sea,

it's the cry of ancient mariners lost in the deep... HARK!

There it is again! Can you not hear them? Tormented cries for help!

I did that speech at the drama society's production.

I was the best thing in it.

I'm very glad we didn't go to it.

-I tied the boat up, Mr Mainwaring.

-Right. Now, gather around for your orders for the night.

We're on duty until 6.30 am. The time now is five minutes to... 21 hundred hours.

-No, sir. No, no, no. It's 20.55.

-Yes, well, that's what the time is.

Now, I've worked out a rota, and it works out at an hour and a half of guard-duty each. Godfrey's first.

That's from 21.00 to 22.30. Jones - 22.30 to 24.00.

-And you, Walker, will take 24.00 to 25.30.

-No, sir, it's 1.30. You start again after 24.00.

-All right! 1.30.

-I'm only trying to explain...

-Yes, yes, all right! Go on, Godfrey.

ALL: Yes, go on, Godfrey! Out you go!

-Now, I'm starving. Where's the food, Pike?

-I left it in the boat!

-Well, go and get it, you stupid boy.

-Who's having the hammock?

-I am.

-We're taking it in turns.

-Oh, yes, sir. There's nothing like a hammock!

It's all cosy. It wraps itself right round you.

In Nelson's day, when sailors came into port they'd take their wives aboard.

That stopped them getting restless. The trouble was, you didn't know who was in what hammock!

They'd hang a leg out of the hammock. And when the cox-swine came in...

he'd run his hand up the leg to see if it was a man or a woman's leg!

Hence the saying, "Show a leg."

Ah, Pike! Put the food on the table.

-Can't wait for one of your sausages.

-I done 'em just as you like 'em, sir.

All crispy on the outside and pink inside. Very tasty! Very sweet!

Put the food on the table, boy!

I...can't put the food on the table, Mr Mainwaring. 'Cos I haven't got it.

-You left it behind?

-Oh, no, sir. The food's in the boat.

-There's just one snag.

-What's that?

-The boat's gone.

-WHAT ?

-With all that lovely grub!

-Did you tie the boat up?

-Yes! There was a big electric cable and a thin one. I tied it to the thin one.

-WHY?

-I didn't want to touch the thick one. I might get electricified.

-Stupid...!

I expect you tied it to the telephone cable!

Just as I thought. Dead as a dodo!

We're marooned. Completely cut-off! No boat, no telephone, and no food!

I still have some acid drops.

Sorry, Mr Mainwaring. Sorry, Joe.

I'm sorry, Mr Jones.

I'm very sorry, Mr Frazer.

I'm sorry. I didn't... Well, I didn't...

Sorry, Mr Godfrey!

-What about?

-Get back on duty, Godfrey!

-Why don't we signal to the shore for help?

-Flash a light!

-Good idea. Hand me the torch, Wilson.

-I didn't bring a torch, sir.

You didn't bring a torch?

Nobody suggested I bring a torch.

I distinctly remember telling you to bring a torch AND spare batteries!

We could open and shut the window and they'll see the light!

Yes! (I'll tend to YOU later!)

-Permission to speak! I volunteer to open and shut the window, sir!

-No, I think Sgt Wilson had better do it.

Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

-We'll do it in Morse code.

-I don't know any Morse code.

-Naturally.

-You were in the Navy, Frazer. You must know the Morse code. How do you spell "help"?

-Just a minute...

H-E-L-P.

He doesn't know! He was only a cook!

-Only a cook? I'll tell you...!

-All right, all right.

-I know Morse code, sir. You want SOS.

-Ah.

-You go dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot!

-Right. Stand by, Wilson.

-How do you do dots and dashes with a window?

-You open and shut the door at varying speeds!

-Of course, sir.

-What was that again?

-Three dots, three dashes, three dots. Dit dit dit, DA-A DA-A DA-A, dit dit dit!

I see.

-You got that?

-I think so.

-Da da... You heard what he said. Go on.

-Right... Dit! Dit!

No, no, no, Mr Wilson! You done a da instead of a dit!

-You're ditting when you should be dahing!

-I can't help it! It's broken!

-Get out of the way!

-I'll do this.

-Let the officer do it.

Chilly tonight. Still, you're all right with that new uniform! Not bad, eh? I just got it.

Why did you get one and not me? I waited a whole year for it! Yeah, but...

Look! There's a light flashing! That must be Mainwaring and his mob. They're on guard tonight.

Mainwaring? I might have guessed! I've got to get out there! He's done it on me, hasn't he?

A boat! I need a boat! You can't! Those are for kids!

I've got to get out there! No, but...! Mainwaring's persecuting me!

-Hey, sir! Sir!

-What is it?

-They've spotted us! Something's coming!

-Oh, good!

-Wonder what it is. It's making a lot of splashing.

Hey! Put that light out! Put that light out!

Agggh!

-That's funny! It disappeared!

-It can't have! Can you see anything, Wilson?

-Not a thing.

-Rather eerie, isn't it, sir?

-Aye! Permission to speak, sir! Perhaps it's a secret weapon!

-Don't be daft, Jones. It wouldn't come from our own shore, would it?

-Perhaps that's the secret!

GURGLING What's that noise?

-Mr Mainwaring!

-Yes?

-Come up here, quick! There's a...thing coming up the ladder!

-Please, may I shoot it?

-Certainly not! Leave this to me!

You! You stupid load of hooligans!

My uniform! You've ruined my new uniform! I only just got it!

Leave off! I gave you my whisky, didn't I?

Don't upset him. He's our side's best bowler.

-We've just got to make the best of it until morning. See how Godfrey's getting on, Walker.

-Sir.

-Mr Mainwaring!

-Yes?

-Come over h...! Look at this!

-It's full of chocolate!

-I say! That's a lucky stroke!

-What are you doing !?

-I was going to break the glass.

-Break the glass?

-Yes.

-Have you lost your senses?

-No...

-We're not savages, you know.

We're a well-trained British army, and sportsmen, not Nazis! That's the sort of thing THEY'D do!

-We'll get that chocolate by fair means! I want a volunteer to use that crane.

-I volunteer, sir!

-Right you are, Corporal.

-Thank you, sir.

-I shall navigate.

-Yes, sir.

-We need pennies. I haven't got any.

-Sergeant?

-I know I haven't got any.

-I've got a penny! >

-ONE isn't much use.

-What about you, Frazer?

-Did you speak, sir?

-Got any pennies?

-Aye... I have, thank you, sir.

-Hand them over!

-My pennies! My...!

-Come on, come on, it's for the good of the platoon.

-Stand by.

-Standing by, sir!

-Left a little...

-Left a little, sir.

-To the right.

-To the right, sir...

-Right, start lowering.

-Lowering away, sir.

-Right...

-Right...

-There we go...

-Here we go... You're getting there...

-Right, sir... It's coming... It's coming...!

We've done it! We've done it, sir!

Blast it! Let me have a try! They're MY pennies, aren't they?

-That's not fair!

-All right, all right... Go on, Frazer.

-Left a little... Left...

-I can manage this all by myself! I don't want any interference, understand?

-Well, that's the last penny.

-No! Not one and sixpence gone! 18 pennies! 36 halfpennies!

-Calm down.

-It wasnae YOUR money!

-Sir!

-Godfrey was asleep on duty so I shot him.

-Good.

-What's going on?

-We're trying to get this chocolate out.

-Is that all? Stand back.

That's it... Right...

-Hang on... There we go. Cop hold of that.

-That's stealing!

-We put one and sevenpence into the machine, and there IS a war on!

-Maybe you're right. Here, Frazer.

-Thank you, sir!

-Hand them round.

-What about ME, then?

-Don't worry.

-This chocolate must be two years old. What's it like, Frazer?

Not bad! A wee bit hard, maybe, but not at all bad!

Peuggh! This chocolate's all damaged! It's cardboard!

Mine's all right!

# OHH, SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AND LOVE! #

DRUNKEN SINGING CONTINUES

CHORUS OF "SHUT-UP"S

-# OHHH...! #

-How dare you keep everybody awake like this? Shut up and go to sleep!

Don't you tell ME to shut up!

-Cover him up!

-Come on! I'll take you on!

Come on, fatso! CHAOS

Try not to be quite so excitable, for heaven's sake!

-He's our best bowler, sir. Please...

-Get him into the hammock.

-Get in there.

-The trouble is, nobody loves me!

-Oh, we DO, Warden!

-Just because I tell everybody to put their lights out! Put their lights out!

What a very nasty little scene, sir.

What do you expect from a tradesman?

Blimey! The tide's coming up a bit high!

Cor! Blimey, what's that! I don't like the look of THAT thing!

That's a big black round thing! What's THAT ?

Mr Mainwaring!

-Mr Mainwaring!

-Carefully does it, Mavis!

-Mr Mainwaring!

-Mmm...!

-Mr Mainwaring!

-Oh. Yes, Jones?

-Permission to wake you up, sir!

-What time is it?

-It's a quarter to six hours, sir.

-What's the matter?

-Sir, there's something under the pier I do not like the look of.

-Will you follow me, sir?

-Ohh...

-Come this way, sir.

Over here, sir.

Yes, that's right, sir, it's down there.

Now, look down between these boards.

-I'm in no mood for practical jokes at this hour, Jones!

-No, sir, it wasn't one, sir. Look down here, sir.

-What's that big black thing, sir?

-Good heavens! It can't be...! It IS !

-What, sir?

-It's a mine!

-No time to lose! Follow me!

-Right, sir!

-Wake the men up!

Yes, sir. Don't panic! Don't panic! There's a mine under the pier!

Don't panic! Come on! Show a leg! Show a leg!

Come on! Come on! Follow me!

Right, men, follow me! Quickly!

-What we've got to do, Jones, is fend it off these girders, or we'll all be blown sky-high!

-Yes, sir!

-Push it off! Push it off!

-I'm trying! But my pole's too short!

Get out of the way! It's coming round this other way!

-Hey, hey! Come on! What do you think you're doing?

-Trying to stop this bomb exploding!

-This is an ARP matter, and I'm in charge!

-Oh, get out!

-Come on! Give me that!

-What are you doing?

Arggh!

-It's following him!

-It must be magnetic, following his tin hat!

-Get it off!

-Take your helmet off!

-It's drifting out to sea!

-Quick! Up on deck! We've got to blow it up before it does any damage!

Wait for me!

Frazer, you take the Lewis gun! Everyone, take aim, and, in your own time, fire!

It's drifting towards the shore!

Stop talking. Go on firing.

-It's headed for the novelty rock emporium!

-Fire!

-We're out of ammo!

Stand back! Can't you even hit that?

-I've had enough of you!

-Stand back!

-By Jove, Wilson, you were right. He IS a good bowler.

-He's even better with his clothes on.

-Really?