Menace from the Deep Dad's Army


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Menace from the Deep

Wartime sitcom. The Home Guard are given full responsibility for the defence of Walmington-On-Sea for one week.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again!

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done!?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun!

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done!? #

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Welcome to Walmington-on-Sea(!) Blimey, what a dump!

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I joined the Navy to see the world, not to get stuck on a ruddy pier!

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You got on for nothing, didn't you? Before the war, you'd have had to pay a penny!

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What's the time, mate? Four o'clock.

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In two hours, it'll be ta-ra to sunny Walmington-on-Sea for good!

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I wonder who's taking over. There's a detachment due in a week's time.

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Somebody better tell Hitler not to invade this week. There won't be anybody to stop him.

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Oh, yes, there will! The PO said the Home Guard are taking over for the week!

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The Home Guard? Blimey! Gawd help poor old England!

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Now, I'll just go through the details once more.

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-Not again!

-Did you say something?

-Sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.

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We've been entrusted with the task of manning the machine-gun post at the pier here.

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You will notice that the pier has been blown up in the middle, to stop the enemy from landing there.

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I think you will agree that we will need a boat to get from this end HERE to this end HERE.

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-Hear, hear(!)

-Quiet! We have a dinghy, but unfortunately, it only holds three people.

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It'll take several trips, and we need somebody to row.

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Permission to speak! I volunteer to row the boat from there to there!

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-I think it should be somebody who's more used to it.

-Oh, please!

-Sit down!

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-Frazer, you were in the Navy. You row.

-Aye, sir.

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We shall all proceed from this end HERE...

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and shall embark from these steps here. Now, you, Frazer, will take Sgt Wilson and myself over first,

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then you'll row back and pick up Walker and Jones, take them across,

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-then you'll come back and pick up Pike and Godfrey, and then...

-Row back and pick up yourself.

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I shan't tell you again! Now, let's do a check on what food we have, because we'll be out all night.

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-Permission to speak, sir! I prepared three pounds of sausages at dinner-time.

-Good. Thank you.

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-And I have mustard, sir. English, French or German.

-Just the English...

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-I made a fruit-cake. I've got apples and tomatoes.

-I've got whisky.

-Eh?

-On the house!

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-We shan't starve!

-No, sir. Sounds positively a gastronomic orgy.

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-What have you brought?

-Well... a quarter-pound of acid drops. My favourite.

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I'd never have guessed (!) Well, that's all. Now... Pike!

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-You must not wear a coloured scarf with your uniform!

-Me mum says not to take it off. I get croup.

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-Croup? Chickens get that, don't they?

-Yes, that's right.

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-He gets it as well.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Extraordinary. Perhaps he should bring some eggs!

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-Very nice little joke, sir!

-Right, come along. Quick as we can.

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I want to get settled before darkness.

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Men, pay attention to the way I get into the boat. I don't want anyone to fall in the water. Understand?

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You will observe that I keep one foot on the ladder here...

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and one hand on the post here.

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The other foot is in the boat thus.

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Don't jiggle about!

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-Turn it around! Turn the boat round!

-Make up your mind what way you want to get in!

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-Keep the boat still, Frazer!

-I'm keeping it as still as I can! >

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Oi! Oi! Pay careful attention to Mr Mainwaring getting into the boat. We don't want anyone in the water!

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Move over, Frazer! I can't get in!

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How can I move over? I'm supposed to be rowing! Ow! >

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You kicked me in the stomach, you stupid Sassenach! >

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How dare you?! Take his name, Wilson.

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Come in, number 27! Your time's up!

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Walker! Report to me in the amusement arcade!

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-Here you are, sir. Just a bit more. Well done. There you are, sir. Well done.

-Right. Thank you, Wilson.

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-Go back for the others, Frazer, and get them in the boat properly!

-Away and die, you Sassenach git!

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-What did he say?

-I have no idea, sir. It must have been Gaelic.

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-Whatever it was, it sounded rude.

-Yes, indeed. Very unpleasant.

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-Ah! Oh, well! This is all right, isn't it?

-Oh, yes, it is! It's absolutely delightful!

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Ah! We'll set up the machine-gun out here. And we'll take it in turns to go on watch.

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-Right, sir.

-Good. Oh, I say! A hammock! Good! I'll take that.

-Oh, now, really, sir!

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What's the matter?

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I really must protest, sir! Not even, "May I take the hammock?"

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Or even, "Do you MIND if I take it?"

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You just strut over and say, "I'm taking that." It's just the sort of behaviour I cannot stand!

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Well, I'm sorry, Wilson. Perhaps it was a little unthinking of me, a little undemocratic.

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-You know I'd never take advantage of my position.

-Really, sir?

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-We shall take it in turns.

-Thank you.

-And I'm first.

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-Ah! Walker! Good crossing?

-It was a bit choppy, sir.

-May I sit down, sir? I feel a little queer.

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No time for that. Set up the gun.

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Go on, Walker. Out on the sandbags.

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And cover it up! We don't want the salt air in it!

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If Hitler invades, we shall be in the thick of it. Wish he would. I'm spoiling for a fight.

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-Are you really, sir?

-Who gets the hammock?

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-We're taking turns.

-The Captain's going first.

-Is he? I AM surprised.

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Put the black-outs up.

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Right, sir.

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Hello, sir. Captain Mainwaring reporting. Yes, we've taken up our positions. We're ready for Hitler.

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No, no, no. Snug as a bug in a rug, here. Yes.

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If Gerry gets past us, it'll be over our dead bodies.

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Thank you very much, sir. Goodbye. That's the sort of fighting talk they like at GHQ, Wilson.

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Here we are, sir. Frazer and I are here. Pike is tying up the boat. Listen!

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WIND WHISTLES What's that sound?

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It's the wind in the girders.

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Aye, that's what YOU'D call it. But to somebody like mysel', who's spent his entire life at sea,

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it's the cry of ancient mariners lost in the deep... HARK!

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There it is again! Can you not hear them? Tormented cries for help!

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I did that speech at the drama society's production.

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I was the best thing in it.

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I'm very glad we didn't go to it.

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-I tied the boat up, Mr Mainwaring.

-Right. Now, gather around for your orders for the night.

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We're on duty until 6.30 am. The time now is five minutes to... 21 hundred hours.

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-No, sir. No, no, no. It's 20.55.

-Yes, well, that's what the time is.

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Now, I've worked out a rota, and it works out at an hour and a half of guard-duty each. Godfrey's first.

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That's from 21.00 to 22.30. Jones - 22.30 to 24.00.

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-And you, Walker, will take 24.00 to 25.30.

-No, sir, it's 1.30. You start again after 24.00.

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-All right! 1.30.

-I'm only trying to explain...

-Yes, yes, all right! Go on, Godfrey.

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ALL: Yes, go on, Godfrey! Out you go!

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-Now, I'm starving. Where's the food, Pike?

-I left it in the boat!

-Well, go and get it, you stupid boy.

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-Who's having the hammock?

-I am.

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-We're taking it in turns.

-Oh, yes, sir. There's nothing like a hammock!

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It's all cosy. It wraps itself right round you.

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In Nelson's day, when sailors came into port they'd take their wives aboard.

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That stopped them getting restless. The trouble was, you didn't know who was in what hammock!

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They'd hang a leg out of the hammock. And when the cox-swine came in...

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he'd run his hand up the leg to see if it was a man or a woman's leg!

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Hence the saying, "Show a leg."

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Ah, Pike! Put the food on the table.

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-Can't wait for one of your sausages.

-I done 'em just as you like 'em, sir.

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All crispy on the outside and pink inside. Very tasty! Very sweet!

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Put the food on the table, boy!

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I...can't put the food on the table, Mr Mainwaring. 'Cos I haven't got it.

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-You left it behind?

-Oh, no, sir. The food's in the boat.

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-There's just one snag.

-What's that?

-The boat's gone.

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-WHAT ?

-With all that lovely grub!

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-Did you tie the boat up?

-Yes! There was a big electric cable and a thin one. I tied it to the thin one.

-WHY?

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-I didn't want to touch the thick one. I might get electricified.

-Stupid...!

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I expect you tied it to the telephone cable!

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Just as I thought. Dead as a dodo!

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We're marooned. Completely cut-off! No boat, no telephone, and no food!

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I still have some acid drops.

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Sorry, Mr Mainwaring. Sorry, Joe.

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I'm sorry, Mr Jones.

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I'm very sorry, Mr Frazer.

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I'm sorry. I didn't... Well, I didn't...

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Sorry, Mr Godfrey!

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-What about?

-Get back on duty, Godfrey!

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-Why don't we signal to the shore for help?

-Flash a light!

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-Good idea. Hand me the torch, Wilson.

-I didn't bring a torch, sir.

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You didn't bring a torch?

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Nobody suggested I bring a torch.

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I distinctly remember telling you to bring a torch AND spare batteries!

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We could open and shut the window and they'll see the light!

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Yes! (I'll tend to YOU later!)

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-Permission to speak! I volunteer to open and shut the window, sir!

-No, I think Sgt Wilson had better do it.

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Sergeant.

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Yes, sir.

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-We'll do it in Morse code.

-I don't know any Morse code.

-Naturally.

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-You were in the Navy, Frazer. You must know the Morse code. How do you spell "help"?

-Just a minute...

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H-E-L-P.

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He doesn't know! He was only a cook!

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-Only a cook? I'll tell you...!

-All right, all right.

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-I know Morse code, sir. You want SOS.

-Ah.

-You go dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot!

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-Right. Stand by, Wilson.

-How do you do dots and dashes with a window?

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-You open and shut the door at varying speeds!

-Of course, sir.

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-What was that again?

-Three dots, three dashes, three dots. Dit dit dit, DA-A DA-A DA-A, dit dit dit!

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I see.

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-You got that?

-I think so.

-Da da... You heard what he said. Go on.

-Right... Dit! Dit!

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No, no, no, Mr Wilson! You done a da instead of a dit!

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-You're ditting when you should be dahing!

-I can't help it! It's broken!

-Get out of the way!

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-I'll do this.

-Let the officer do it.

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Chilly tonight. Still, you're all right with that new uniform! Not bad, eh? I just got it.

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Why did you get one and not me? I waited a whole year for it! Yeah, but...

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Look! There's a light flashing! That must be Mainwaring and his mob. They're on guard tonight.

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Mainwaring? I might have guessed! I've got to get out there! He's done it on me, hasn't he?

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A boat! I need a boat! You can't! Those are for kids!

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I've got to get out there! No, but...! Mainwaring's persecuting me!

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-Hey, sir! Sir!

-What is it?

-They've spotted us! Something's coming!

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-Oh, good!

-Wonder what it is. It's making a lot of splashing.

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Hey! Put that light out! Put that light out!

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Agggh!

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-That's funny! It disappeared!

-It can't have! Can you see anything, Wilson?

-Not a thing.

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-Rather eerie, isn't it, sir?

-Aye! Permission to speak, sir! Perhaps it's a secret weapon!

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-Don't be daft, Jones. It wouldn't come from our own shore, would it?

-Perhaps that's the secret!

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GURGLING What's that noise?

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-Mr Mainwaring!

-Yes?

-Come up here, quick! There's a...thing coming up the ladder!

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-Please, may I shoot it?

-Certainly not! Leave this to me!

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You! You stupid load of hooligans!

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My uniform! You've ruined my new uniform! I only just got it!

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Leave off! I gave you my whisky, didn't I?

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Don't upset him. He's our side's best bowler.

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-We've just got to make the best of it until morning. See how Godfrey's getting on, Walker.

-Sir.

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-Mr Mainwaring!

-Yes?

-Come over h...! Look at this!

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-It's full of chocolate!

-I say! That's a lucky stroke!

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-What are you doing !?

-I was going to break the glass.

-Break the glass?

-Yes.

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-Have you lost your senses?

-No...

-We're not savages, you know.

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We're a well-trained British army, and sportsmen, not Nazis! That's the sort of thing THEY'D do!

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-We'll get that chocolate by fair means! I want a volunteer to use that crane.

-I volunteer, sir!

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-Right you are, Corporal.

-Thank you, sir.

-I shall navigate.

-Yes, sir.

-We need pennies. I haven't got any.

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-Sergeant?

-I know I haven't got any.

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-I've got a penny! >

-ONE isn't much use.

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-What about you, Frazer?

-Did you speak, sir?

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-Got any pennies?

-Aye... I have, thank you, sir.

-Hand them over!

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-My pennies! My...!

-Come on, come on, it's for the good of the platoon.

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-Stand by.

-Standing by, sir!

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-Left a little...

-Left a little, sir.

-To the right.

-To the right, sir...

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-Right, start lowering.

-Lowering away, sir.

-Right...

-Right...

-There we go...

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-Here we go... You're getting there...

-Right, sir... It's coming... It's coming...!

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We've done it! We've done it, sir!

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Blast it! Let me have a try! They're MY pennies, aren't they?

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-That's not fair!

-All right, all right... Go on, Frazer.

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-Left a little... Left...

-I can manage this all by myself! I don't want any interference, understand?

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-Well, that's the last penny.

-No! Not one and sixpence gone! 18 pennies! 36 halfpennies!

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-Calm down.

-It wasnae YOUR money!

-Sir!

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-Godfrey was asleep on duty so I shot him.

-Good.

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-What's going on?

-We're trying to get this chocolate out.

-Is that all? Stand back.

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That's it... Right...

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-Hang on... There we go. Cop hold of that.

-That's stealing!

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-We put one and sevenpence into the machine, and there IS a war on!

-Maybe you're right. Here, Frazer.

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-Thank you, sir!

-Hand them round.

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-What about ME, then?

-Don't worry.

-This chocolate must be two years old. What's it like, Frazer?

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Not bad! A wee bit hard, maybe, but not at all bad!

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Peuggh! This chocolate's all damaged! It's cardboard!

0:22:150:22:22

Mine's all right!

0:22:230:22:26

# OHH, SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AND LOVE! #

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DRUNKEN SINGING CONTINUES

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CHORUS OF "SHUT-UP"S

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-# OHHH...! #

-How dare you keep everybody awake like this? Shut up and go to sleep!

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Don't you tell ME to shut up!

0:23:150:23:18

-Cover him up!

-Come on! I'll take you on!

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Come on, fatso! CHAOS

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Try not to be quite so excitable, for heaven's sake!

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-He's our best bowler, sir. Please...

-Get him into the hammock.

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-Get in there.

-The trouble is, nobody loves me!

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-Oh, we DO, Warden!

-Just because I tell everybody to put their lights out! Put their lights out!

0:23:430:23:50

What a very nasty little scene, sir.

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What do you expect from a tradesman?

0:23:540:23:57

Blimey! The tide's coming up a bit high!

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Cor! Blimey, what's that! I don't like the look of THAT thing!

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That's a big black round thing! What's THAT ?

0:24:290:24:34

Mr Mainwaring!

0:24:340:24:36

-Mr Mainwaring!

-Carefully does it, Mavis!

0:24:360:24:41

-Mr Mainwaring!

-Mmm...!

-Mr Mainwaring!

-Oh. Yes, Jones?

-Permission to wake you up, sir!

0:24:460:24:54

-What time is it?

-It's a quarter to six hours, sir.

0:24:540:24:59

-What's the matter?

-Sir, there's something under the pier I do not like the look of.

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-Will you follow me, sir?

-Ohh...

-Come this way, sir.

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Over here, sir.

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Yes, that's right, sir, it's down there.

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Now, look down between these boards.

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-I'm in no mood for practical jokes at this hour, Jones!

-No, sir, it wasn't one, sir. Look down here, sir.

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-What's that big black thing, sir?

-Good heavens! It can't be...! It IS !

-What, sir?

-It's a mine!

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-No time to lose! Follow me!

-Right, sir!

-Wake the men up!

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Yes, sir. Don't panic! Don't panic! There's a mine under the pier!

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Don't panic! Come on! Show a leg! Show a leg!

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Come on! Come on! Follow me!

0:26:040:26:07

Right, men, follow me! Quickly!

0:26:120:26:14

-What we've got to do, Jones, is fend it off these girders, or we'll all be blown sky-high!

-Yes, sir!

0:26:140:26:23

-Push it off! Push it off!

-I'm trying! But my pole's too short!

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Get out of the way! It's coming round this other way!

0:26:280:26:33

-Hey, hey! Come on! What do you think you're doing?

-Trying to stop this bomb exploding!

0:26:370:26:44

-This is an ARP matter, and I'm in charge!

-Oh, get out!

-Come on! Give me that!

-What are you doing?

0:26:440:26:53

Arggh!

0:26:530:26:56

-It's following him!

-It must be magnetic, following his tin hat!

0:27:020:27:07

-Get it off!

-Take your helmet off!

0:27:070:27:11

-It's drifting out to sea!

-Quick! Up on deck! We've got to blow it up before it does any damage!

0:27:140:27:21

Wait for me!

0:27:250:27:28

Frazer, you take the Lewis gun! Everyone, take aim, and, in your own time, fire!

0:27:280:27:35

It's drifting towards the shore!

0:27:430:27:46

Stop talking. Go on firing.

0:27:480:27:51

-It's headed for the novelty rock emporium!

-Fire!

-We're out of ammo!

0:27:550:28:00

Stand back! Can't you even hit that?

0:28:010:28:04

-I've had enough of you!

-Stand back!

0:28:040:28:07

-By Jove, Wilson, you were right. He IS a good bowler.

-He's even better with his clothes on.

-Really?

0:28:200:28:28