War Dance Dad's Army


War Dance

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

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# If you think we're on the run

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

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# If you think old England's done

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

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# If you think old England's done. #

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# There is a lady sweet and kind

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# Was never face so pleased my mind

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# I did but see her passing by

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# Yet will I love her...

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# Till I die

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-# Her gestures, motions and... #

-That's enough, Pike, thank you.

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-Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.

-A bank manager's office is no place for singing.

-Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.

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-Morning, sir.

-Ah, morning, Wilson.

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Good news about the Home Guard dance.

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Well, all work and no play, you know.

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It gives our wives and sweethearts the feeling that they're part of the grand effort.

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-Can we bring a friend?

-Yes. Who did you have in mind? An old boy scout friend?

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No, sir. I was going to bring a girl.

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A girl?

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Oh, well, I suppose so. Discuss it with Cpl Jones. He's doing the invitations.

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-I'll bring you a coffee, sir. # There is a lady... #

-Pike!

-Sorry.

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I'm not at all satisfied with that boy's work recently, you know.

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-Never stops humming.

-He's just letting his thoughts dwell on his private life, sir.

-Don't be absurd.

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-He hasn't got a private life. He's a boy.

-He's walking out with an AT.

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-With a what?

-An ATS girl.

-Heavens!

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You should put a stop to that.

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You never know where they come from.

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She's a local girl, actually. Violet Gibbons.

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I know her. Her mother cleaned for us. "Obliging us", she called it.

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Yes, well...

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now her daughter's obliging Frank.

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-Wait a minute. Didn't that girl work in a fish and chip shop?

-Yes.

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Wrong sort of background. The bank doesn't like that sort of thing.

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-What sort of thing?

-She could ruin his career. What does his mother say?

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-She doesn't know.

-Speak to him.

-Me?

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Well, the boy hasn't got a father. You're friendly with his mother.

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I know Mrs Pike but I don't have to act as a Dutch uncle to Frank.

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You worry me sometimes, Wilson.

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You'd do anything rather than face up to your responsibilities.

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You've never really grown up, have you?

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You're not a middle-aged chief clerk. You're a sort of Peter Pan.

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-You'll never get your own branch.

-Frank is not my responsibility.

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-A lot of people will be pleased to hear that.

-What do you mean?!

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Well, it's no business of mine. But it's a very small town, Wilson.

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Tongues wag.

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People put two and two together.

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You and Mrs Pike arrived here about the same time, both from Weston-super-Mare.

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If you look at that boy in certain lights, there is a resemblance.

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And he pulls the lobe of his ear.

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-The idea's outrageous. I mean, Mavis would have mentioned it.

-Oh.

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I'm sure it's just idle gossip. But a word from you would be best.

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-All right, I'll chat to him, sir.

-Good.

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-Oh, no appointments for me today. I have a meeting in the church hall with the Dance Committee.

-Yes, sir.

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As this dance is a recreation, I thought it better if we were to meet in a relaxed, informal way.

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Pay attention, Walker.

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Don't lean on the desk.

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-I thought it best that we should each be responsible for one aspect of Operation Dance.

-Mr Mainwaring!

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I'd just like to say, on behalf of the men... that's a very nice idea.

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Thank you very much, Jones.

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Now, what are the essential ingredients? What do we need for a dance?

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A floor.

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I'm not actually asking for suggestions at this stage, Walker.

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We need music to dance to, food for the inner man and drink for conviviality.

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-There's another thing, sir.

-What is that?

-Women.

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We can take that for granted.

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Booze is very difficult. But you can get it for us? Yeah, I've got contacts.

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We needn't trouble you, Walker. The Secretary of the golf club will supply it.

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Sucks to you. Where do you think HE gets it?

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All right, Walker! There's the question of food.

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If it's any help, I'm rather good at making maids of honour.

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Blimey, that's a relief (!)

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They're little buns with icing on the top.

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Excellent, Godfrey. Can you help, Jones?

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-Yes, sir. I have earmarked 6 pounds of sausages.

-We'd be very grateful.

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I have also earmarked some fat for frying. Then we can put them in the fat and fry them.

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We can cut them up and make sausage rolls.

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Yes, a very stimulating suggestion.

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I think Mrs Mainwaring would manage to throw a case around them. She's very ingenious in that way.

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This brings us to a band. In these troubled times, this is difficult.

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Miss Rowlands and her colleagues have offered their services.

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We don't want too much jazz music. Blimey, not with Miss Rowlands!

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-What we need is some good tunes.

-Tell Me, Pretty Maiden.

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-Any Old Iron.

-You can't dance to that.

-Harry Champion does.

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Listen, sir, if you get Miss Rowlands,

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that friend of hers with the cello and that old bat from the library on the harp, we may as well go home.

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Joe, you're right. 'Course I'm right.

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I think there's some force in that, but where are we to find musicians?

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-What about the Salvation Army?

-Marvellous (!) Take your partners for What A Friend We Have In Jesus!

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Walker! May I remind you that we are on church property?

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I'm sorry, sir, but honestly!

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One of the lads in the Platoon can play piano. The RAF holding station at Godalston might have something.

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Oh, good. Splendid. Well done. Operation Dance is launched.

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I think we can bring her to harbour safely.

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-Barring torpedos.

-Barring...

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Frank, those pictures shouldn't be back to back.

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-It looks as if they've had an argument.

-Shall I take them down?

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I've got the rosettes here, Wilson. "Secretary" for you, "M.C." for Jones and "Chairman" for me.

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-Who wears the "Wine" one?

-Walker.

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-What about the golf club Secretary?

-He couldn't get the extra drink.

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-Is that all right, sir?

-I think so. Put those in the office, Pike.

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-Just a minute. Have you had a word with that boy yet?

-No, no. Not yet, sir, no.

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-Why not?

-The opportunity hasn't presented itself.

-Why not now?

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You can't just nose-dive into a personal matter like this.

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You need the right atmosphere. A log fire, a cosy chair, a pipe, a glass of port...

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-Peter Pan!

-My God, Mainwaring, you can hit pretty low when it suits you!

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Mr Mainwaring, I wanted to speak to you.

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-I was lying abed last night and I suddenly had an idea.

-Really?

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What about a cabaret? You see, I do some humorous monologues and various forms of mimicry.

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Fraser does a marvellous Highland sword-dance.

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-Yes, well, I'll mention it to the Committee.

-Thank you, sir.

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-I told Mr Mainwaring about your sword-dance.

-I've gone off the idea.

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-I'll go and see what Mr Mainwaring wants me to do.

-No, don't go yet.

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My goodness me!

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We've never had a chance, have we, to be alone together and have a cosy little chat?

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-Haven't we, Uncle?

-Yes, well...

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Looking forward to the dance?

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-Yes, thanks, Uncle.

-You don't have to call me Uncle.

-Sorry, Sergeant.

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Or that. We're both grown-up men of the world.

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I'm Frank. ..No, I'm not.

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YOU'RE Frank. I'm Arthur.

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How do you do?

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Anyway, you're quite grown-up now, you know.

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I mean, we can both look each other in the eye, can't we?

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And talk...

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man to man.

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-Nice, isn't it?

-Yes. There are heaps of things we can talk about. Things we've never talked about before.

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-It's very nice, isn't it?

-Would you stop saying it's nice, Frank?

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-It's irritating.

-Sorry, Uncle... Sergeant... Arthur.

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Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

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That's all right...Arthur.

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-Very nice, being able to talk man to man, isn't it?

-Yes, it's nice.

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Good, I mean. Good.

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-What'll we talk about, then?

-What?

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Well, um... Well, we...

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We've, um... Have we? We've never really had a chance to have a little chat about girls, have we?

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-I know all about the birds and bees.

-I didn't...

-Miss Beckwith told us.

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She knows a lot about girls. And boys.

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Frank, who are you going to take to the dance?

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I'll take my girlfriend, Violet Gibbons.

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Precisely, yes. Violet Gibbons.

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-That's... That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.

-Why?

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-YOU don't want to take her, do you?

-Certainly not!

-I didn't think so.

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She's wonderful. She's the most beautiful girl in the whole world.

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I love her, Uncle Arthur.

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When I woke up today, I wanted to run to the top of the church tower and shout, "I love Violet Gibbons!"

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But I didn't.

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I think you're very wise.

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So many mistakes can be made. So much is to be thought about. Is she suitable, for instance?

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-Suitable for what?

-For the bank.

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She doesn't want to go to the bank.

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-No, I mean after the war.

-She won't want to go into the bank then. She'll be married to me.

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Married?

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-Can you keep a secret?

-Yes.

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I'm going to announce our engagement at the dance, like Jack Oakie did with Zazu Pitts.

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I wouldn't do that if I were you. It would give your mother a terrible shock.

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-No, she thought it was the best bit of the film.

-Frank, I...

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I think it's just possible that this may be different.

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It's obvious you made a mess of it.

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Well, you talk to him, sir.

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No, you must get somebody nearer to his own age-group. Try Walker.

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I don't think I could do any good. He can be very pig-headed.

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Has his mum washed her hands of it?

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No, Mavis doesn't know the girl exists.

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If he blurts all this out at the dance, she'll make an awful scene.

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What if I have a word with Violet?

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Yes, that's... Violet? You know Violet?

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Well, you know how it is.

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I was a bit keen on her once, when she worked in Woolworth's.

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When she went to work in the fish shop, somehow it was different.

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It was all right watching football, out in the open.

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But when she got hot in the pictures...

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People used to shift their seats. A man finds that humiliating.

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Yes. Speak to her. Perhaps she can persuade him not to be too hasty.

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She tried to persuade ME that way once. I never was a good listener.

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Point the music out in that direction.

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-Cpl Jones!

-Just getting ready for the dance.

-Where's Mr Mainwaring?

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He'll be here very quickly. He's bringing the sausage rolls.

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He'll arrive with his good lady in time to greet the guests whom I shall announce.

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-I've never met Mrs Mainwaring.

-They're a devoted couple, only she don't get about much.

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Jonesy, that microphone's ready to be switched on. ..Evening, Vicar.

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That piano's got a note missing. An important one?

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It is if you play In The Mood. # Da-di-thump di-da-thump... #

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-I think that's rather catchy.

-He's a sporting vicar, isn't he?

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Don't let Pikey near the microphone.

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-He's not announcing his engagement?

-We tried to talk to him, but...

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-I've got to meet my birds in the Horse and Groom.

-Where's Mr Mainwaring?

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-He's just come in.

-Right.

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Mr Mainwaring, can I have the sausages?

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I'm afraid there's been a mishap, Jones. My wife miscalculated and they're burnt to a cinder.

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-That's very distressing.

-Yes. I'm sorry.

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-Don't upset yourself, sir. Only sausage rolls.

-I was very vexed.

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-I gave her a good dressing-down.

-That's a very nasty eye you've got there.

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-Yes, I bumped into the door of the linen cupboard.

-Yes.

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If you and your good lady stand there, I'll announce the guests.

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-Well, Mrs Mainwaring won't be joining us this evening.

-I hope she's not poorly.

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-I'd rather not go into it.

-Right.

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-I'll greet the guests alone.

-Just stand here in your greeting-the-guests position, sir.

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-Keep nice and calm, sir.

-Should we have some music?

-Of course.

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-Got any greeting-the-guests music?

-Trees?

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-Would Trees suit you, sir?

-Admirably, thank you.

-Right, Trees.

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Now, ready with the drinks?

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Hats and coats all right? Got your tickets? They'll be here soon.

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-Here we go... Blimey! You're early.

-8 o'clock, it says on the ticket.

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-I never gave you no ticket.

-The Vicar did.

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Well, take it easy on the sandwiches.

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I don't want your sandwiches. He always was a troublemaker.

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HE'S the troublemaker.

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We never did find out who wrote that rude word on the harmonium.

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Are you insinuating that it was me?

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I'm not insinuating anything, but why are you blushing?

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-I'm waiting, Jones.

-Certainly, sir. Mr and Mrs Henry Yeatman!

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-Shake hands with the Captain.

-With me hat on?!

-I knew you was a troublemaker. Put it over there.

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-Having trouble?

-His joint'll be gristle next week.

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It was all gristle LAST week.

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Come away, Anthea.

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What's your pleasure? Failing that, what do you want to drink (?)

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-I've got to announce you first.

-Doris and Dora. They're twins.

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-Which is which?

-I dunno. One kicks and the other one bites, so what's the odds?

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-I'll say, "Mr Walker and party."

-That's later!

-Mr Walker and parties!

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-Evening, Mr Mainwaring. Where did you get that?

-The linen cupboard door.

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Hasn't your wife got a rolling-pin?

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Mr and Mrs Dowding!

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Mr and Mrs Eccles!

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Hello, Mr Godfrey.

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My word, you DO look smart.

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Dear me, some of the gentlemen aren't wearing dinner jackets.

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-You've done us proud, Mr Godfrey.

-Father said that one was never embarrassed by being well-dressed.

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I'm not quite sure he was right.

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Mr and Mrs Forkus!

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-Evening, Jonesy.

-Hello, Mr Fraser.

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-This is ma wee niece, Blodwen.

-Hello, Miss Blodwen. Nice to see you.

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If ye say one word about ma kilt, I'll bash yer face in.

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-You look very nice.

-Thank ye.

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Mr Fraser and Miss Blodwen!

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Captain, good evening. My niece.

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How do you do, Miss Blodwen?

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-I see your niece is a Land Girl.

-I didn't have time to put on a dress.

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Your partner amply made up for it!

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Ye've got one black eye, and I ken fine how ye're going to get another.

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Mr Godfrey and Miss Godfrey!

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Take my arm, Cissy. It's just like old times, Charles.

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-Have you seen Frank?

-Not yet, Mrs Pike.

-Oh, what's happened to him?

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Mavis, you worry too much.

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Mr Wilson and Mrs Pike!

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-You know my sister, don't you?

-Yes, of course.

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-That's a nasty eye.

-I ran into the door of the linen cupboard.

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Folded card is awfully good for that.

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-For a black eye?

-No, for keeping the linen cupboard door shut.

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What you need is a hot onion.

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No, dear, that's for earache. No, mustard plaster's for earache.

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No, darling, that's for backache. It's confusing, isn't it?

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It is, rather. Go and have a drink.

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-Hello.

-Mr Mainwaring, isn't it time we had a dance?

-Yes, I'll tell Jones.

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Jones, start the dancing.

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Wait, sir. My consort's just arrived.

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Mr Jones and Mrs Prosser!

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Good evening, Captain.

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Mrs Prosser, how do you do?

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My dear, I've got to get along. Mr Mainwaring will look after you.

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-Give us a ta-ra.

-Right.

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DRUM-ROLL AND TA-RA

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-One, two, three. Is it on?

-SCREECHING FEEDBACK

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Jonesy, Jonesy, don't do that! It's not a barometer, it's a microphone.

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-Ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for the quickstep!

-BAND STARTS UP

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Now the fun starts. Here comes Pikey.

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Mr Mainwaring, I'd like to introduce my fiancee, Violet Gibbons.

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How do you do? I knew your mother.

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-Who's that with Frank?

-Forget about them. We've got each other.

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Arthur, I'm having none of that.

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-Well done, Mr Wilson.

-I can't keep it up all night, Walker.

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Er, this is Mrs Prosser...

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Arthur, I shall have to sit down. That's ten dances without a break.

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-I could go on all night, Mavis.

-Oh, Arthur! That's not like you.

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I'll make my announcement now. No, the amplifier's packed up.

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You switched it off. Belt up! How dare you?!

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Turn it up nice and loud. No, Pikey!

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Jonesy has an announcement. What's he going to announce? His cabaret.

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-Mr Mainwaring says I shouldn't.

-He's changed his mind. Hang on.

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Ladies and gentlemen...

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Cabaret comes to Walmington-on-Sea. With his famous impersonations of stars of stage, screen and radio,

0:23:440:23:52

the one and only Jolly Jack Jones!

0:23:520:23:56

-#

-Corporal Jones is on the air Oh, can't you hear the chimes?

0:23:590:24:04

-#

-They're telling you to take an easy chair

0:24:040:24:08

-#

-When sitting in the dance hall Take out your Radio Times

0:24:080:24:13

-#

-Cpl Jones at 8 is on the air!

-#

0:24:130:24:17

Here are a few impersonations of well-known wireless personalities.

0:24:190:24:24

And who do we see coming along here but our old friend, that good chap, big-hearted Arthur Askey!

0:24:240:24:32

Ho-ho, ho-ho-ho, ho-ho!

0:24:350:24:37

Hello, playmates! Hello, playmates!

0:24:370:24:40

Ho-ho! I theng yow, I theng yow.

0:24:400:24:44

And now, who else do we see coming down the road?

0:24:440:24:49

It's a well-known chap we all like. Jolly Jack Warner, with his bicycle and his little girl.

0:24:490:24:56

-Oh, little girl...

-TA-RA FROM BAND

-Not yet, not yet!

0:24:560:25:01

Mind my bike, mind my bike.

0:25:010:25:04

-Hup and dahn the railway line.

-TA-RA !!

0:25:040:25:08

For a grand finale, I give you that Hollywood man, George Arliss,

0:25:110:25:16

in that well-known Hollywood film, The House Of Rothschild.

0:25:160:25:21

APPLAUSE

0:25:270:25:31

Well, Count Legranz, have you decided to accept the offer of the House of Rothschild?

0:25:330:25:41

You refuse?

0:25:410:25:44

Very well, Count Legranz.

0:25:440:25:47

But before I go, one word of warning.

0:25:470:25:51

Remember that those who dig graves for others usually finish by sleeping in those graves themselves.

0:25:530:26:01

Goodnight, Count Legranz.

0:26:010:26:03

And thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

0:26:030:26:07

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:26:070:26:11

-Jonesy, go and do Charles Laughton.

-I don't do Charles Laughton.

0:26:130:26:18

Do Freddie Bartholomew. Too late!

0:26:180:26:21

I'd like to make an announcement, since you're all gathered here tonight.

0:26:210:26:27

I'd like to introduce...

0:26:270:26:30

# 'Was it all a dream, a joy supreme That came to us in the gloom?

0:26:300:26:37

# 'You know it isn't a dream...' #

0:26:370:26:42

Oh, hello, Wilson.

0:26:560:26:59

-I didn't realise you were... you were still here.

-Good heavens!

0:26:590:27:05

Did you get locked out, too, sir?

0:27:050:27:07

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

0:27:070:27:10

Elizabeth's very absent-minded, you know.

0:27:100:27:14

She probably put the catch on, not realising that I was in...out.

0:27:140:27:19

-Hello, Uncle, Mr Mainwaring.

-Hello, Frank.

0:27:230:27:27

-Couldn't you get in, either?

-No.

0:27:270:27:30

Mum threw a bucket of water over me. That's what she does to the cat.

0:27:300:27:36

It's supposed to cool their ardour.

0:27:360:27:39

Yes, well, it certainly does that, Uncle.

0:27:390:27:43

I don't think I'll get married.

0:27:430:27:47

-Very wise, Frank.

-I

-never did.

0:27:470:27:49

It was a super dance, Mr Mainwaring.

0:27:530:27:56

-Yes, very good.

-Yes...

0:27:560:27:59

It was pity Fraser hit the Verger over the head with that altar candle.

0:27:590:28:06

It started when Jonesy stuffed that maid of honour down Mrs Verger's dress,

0:28:060:28:13

shouting, "Coals for Newcastle!"

0:28:130:28:15

Walker had no business to take those two girls down into the crypt, you know.

0:28:250:28:31

The Vicar will be very distressed about that. That sort of thing leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

0:28:310:28:39

Still, it was a good dance.

0:28:390:28:42

Oh, I think we should have these...these get-togethers on an occasion, occasionally.

0:28:420:28:50

Helps our wives and sweethearts to think that we're all pulling...pulling...

0:28:500:28:57

-In opposite directions.

-Yes.

0:28:570:29:00

Subtitles by John Macdonald BBC Scotland 1992

0:29:510:29:55

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