War Dance Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

# If you think we're on the run

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

# If you think old England's done

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

# If you think old England's done. #

# There is a lady sweet and kind

# Was never face so pleased my mind

# I did but see her passing by

# Yet will I love her...

# Till I die

-# Her gestures, motions and... #

-That's enough, Pike, thank you.

-Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.

-A bank manager's office is no place for singing.

-Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.

-Morning, sir.

-Ah, morning, Wilson.

Good news about the Home Guard dance.

Well, all work and no play, you know.

It gives our wives and sweethearts the feeling that they're part of the grand effort.

-Can we bring a friend?

-Yes. Who did you have in mind? An old boy scout friend?

No, sir. I was going to bring a girl.

A girl?

Oh, well, I suppose so. Discuss it with Cpl Jones. He's doing the invitations.

-I'll bring you a coffee, sir. # There is a lady... #

-Pike!

-Sorry.

I'm not at all satisfied with that boy's work recently, you know.

-Never stops humming.

-He's just letting his thoughts dwell on his private life, sir.

-Don't be absurd.

-He hasn't got a private life. He's a boy.

-He's walking out with an AT.

-With a what?

-An ATS girl.

-Heavens!

You should put a stop to that.

You never know where they come from.

She's a local girl, actually. Violet Gibbons.

I know her. Her mother cleaned for us. "Obliging us", she called it.

Yes, well...

now her daughter's obliging Frank.

-Wait a minute. Didn't that girl work in a fish and chip shop?

-Yes.

Wrong sort of background. The bank doesn't like that sort of thing.

-What sort of thing?

-She could ruin his career. What does his mother say?

-She doesn't know.

-Speak to him.

-Me?

Well, the boy hasn't got a father. You're friendly with his mother.

I know Mrs Pike but I don't have to act as a Dutch uncle to Frank.

You worry me sometimes, Wilson.

You'd do anything rather than face up to your responsibilities.

You've never really grown up, have you?

You're not a middle-aged chief clerk. You're a sort of Peter Pan.

-You'll never get your own branch.

-Frank is not my responsibility.

-A lot of people will be pleased to hear that.

-What do you mean?!

Well, it's no business of mine. But it's a very small town, Wilson.

Tongues wag.

People put two and two together.

You and Mrs Pike arrived here about the same time, both from Weston-super-Mare.

If you look at that boy in certain lights, there is a resemblance.

And he pulls the lobe of his ear.

-The idea's outrageous. I mean, Mavis would have mentioned it.

-Oh.

I'm sure it's just idle gossip. But a word from you would be best.

-All right, I'll chat to him, sir.

-Good.

-Oh, no appointments for me today. I have a meeting in the church hall with the Dance Committee.

-Yes, sir.

As this dance is a recreation, I thought it better if we were to meet in a relaxed, informal way.

Pay attention, Walker.

Don't lean on the desk.

-I thought it best that we should each be responsible for one aspect of Operation Dance.

-Mr Mainwaring!

I'd just like to say, on behalf of the men... that's a very nice idea.

Thank you very much, Jones.

Now, what are the essential ingredients? What do we need for a dance?

A floor.

I'm not actually asking for suggestions at this stage, Walker.

We need music to dance to, food for the inner man and drink for conviviality.

-There's another thing, sir.

-What is that?

-Women.

We can take that for granted.

Booze is very difficult. But you can get it for us? Yeah, I've got contacts.

We needn't trouble you, Walker. The Secretary of the golf club will supply it.

Sucks to you. Where do you think HE gets it?

All right, Walker! There's the question of food.

If it's any help, I'm rather good at making maids of honour.

Blimey, that's a relief (!)

They're little buns with icing on the top.

Excellent, Godfrey. Can you help, Jones?

-Yes, sir. I have earmarked 6 pounds of sausages.

-We'd be very grateful.

I have also earmarked some fat for frying. Then we can put them in the fat and fry them.

We can cut them up and make sausage rolls.

Yes, a very stimulating suggestion.

I think Mrs Mainwaring would manage to throw a case around them. She's very ingenious in that way.

This brings us to a band. In these troubled times, this is difficult.

Miss Rowlands and her colleagues have offered their services.

We don't want too much jazz music. Blimey, not with Miss Rowlands!

-What we need is some good tunes.

-Tell Me, Pretty Maiden.

-Any Old Iron.

-You can't dance to that.

-Harry Champion does.

Listen, sir, if you get Miss Rowlands,

that friend of hers with the cello and that old bat from the library on the harp, we may as well go home.

Joe, you're right. 'Course I'm right.

I think there's some force in that, but where are we to find musicians?

-What about the Salvation Army?

-Marvellous (!) Take your partners for What A Friend We Have In Jesus!

Walker! May I remind you that we are on church property?

I'm sorry, sir, but honestly!

One of the lads in the Platoon can play piano. The RAF holding station at Godalston might have something.

Oh, good. Splendid. Well done. Operation Dance is launched.

I think we can bring her to harbour safely.

-Barring torpedos.

-Barring...

Frank, those pictures shouldn't be back to back.

-It looks as if they've had an argument.

-Shall I take them down?

I've got the rosettes here, Wilson. "Secretary" for you, "M.C." for Jones and "Chairman" for me.

-Who wears the "Wine" one?

-Walker.

-What about the golf club Secretary?

-He couldn't get the extra drink.

-Is that all right, sir?

-I think so. Put those in the office, Pike.

-Just a minute. Have you had a word with that boy yet?

-No, no. Not yet, sir, no.

-Why not?

-The opportunity hasn't presented itself.

-Why not now?

You can't just nose-dive into a personal matter like this.

You need the right atmosphere. A log fire, a cosy chair, a pipe, a glass of port...

-Peter Pan!

-My God, Mainwaring, you can hit pretty low when it suits you!

Mr Mainwaring, I wanted to speak to you.

-I was lying abed last night and I suddenly had an idea.

-Really?

What about a cabaret? You see, I do some humorous monologues and various forms of mimicry.

Fraser does a marvellous Highland sword-dance.

-Yes, well, I'll mention it to the Committee.

-Thank you, sir.

-I told Mr Mainwaring about your sword-dance.

-I've gone off the idea.

-I'll go and see what Mr Mainwaring wants me to do.

-No, don't go yet.

My goodness me!

We've never had a chance, have we, to be alone together and have a cosy little chat?

-Haven't we, Uncle?

-Yes, well...

Looking forward to the dance?

-Yes, thanks, Uncle.

-You don't have to call me Uncle.

-Sorry, Sergeant.

Or that. We're both grown-up men of the world.

I'm Frank. ..No, I'm not.

YOU'RE Frank. I'm Arthur.

How do you do?

Anyway, you're quite grown-up now, you know.

I mean, we can both look each other in the eye, can't we?

And talk...

man to man.

-Nice, isn't it?

-Yes. There are heaps of things we can talk about. Things we've never talked about before.

-It's very nice, isn't it?

-Would you stop saying it's nice, Frank?

-It's irritating.

-Sorry, Uncle... Sergeant... Arthur.

Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

That's all right...Arthur.

-Very nice, being able to talk man to man, isn't it?

-Yes, it's nice.

Good, I mean. Good.

-What'll we talk about, then?

-What?

Well, um... Well, we...

We've, um... Have we? We've never really had a chance to have a little chat about girls, have we?

-I know all about the birds and bees.

-I didn't...

-Miss Beckwith told us.

She knows a lot about girls. And boys.

Frank, who are you going to take to the dance?

I'll take my girlfriend, Violet Gibbons.

Precisely, yes. Violet Gibbons.

-That's... That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.

-Why?

-YOU don't want to take her, do you?

-Certainly not!

-I didn't think so.

She's wonderful. She's the most beautiful girl in the whole world.

I love her, Uncle Arthur.

When I woke up today, I wanted to run to the top of the church tower and shout, "I love Violet Gibbons!"

But I didn't.

I think you're very wise.

So many mistakes can be made. So much is to be thought about. Is she suitable, for instance?

-Suitable for what?

-For the bank.

She doesn't want to go to the bank.

-No, I mean after the war.

-She won't want to go into the bank then. She'll be married to me.

Married?

-Can you keep a secret?

-Yes.

I'm going to announce our engagement at the dance, like Jack Oakie did with Zazu Pitts.

I wouldn't do that if I were you. It would give your mother a terrible shock.

-No, she thought it was the best bit of the film.

-Frank, I...

I think it's just possible that this may be different.

It's obvious you made a mess of it.

Well, you talk to him, sir.

No, you must get somebody nearer to his own age-group. Try Walker.

I don't think I could do any good. He can be very pig-headed.

Has his mum washed her hands of it?

No, Mavis doesn't know the girl exists.

If he blurts all this out at the dance, she'll make an awful scene.

What if I have a word with Violet?

Yes, that's... Violet? You know Violet?

Well, you know how it is.

I was a bit keen on her once, when she worked in Woolworth's.

When she went to work in the fish shop, somehow it was different.

It was all right watching football, out in the open.

But when she got hot in the pictures...

People used to shift their seats. A man finds that humiliating.

Yes. Speak to her. Perhaps she can persuade him not to be too hasty.

She tried to persuade ME that way once. I never was a good listener.

Point the music out in that direction.

-Cpl Jones!

-Just getting ready for the dance.

-Where's Mr Mainwaring?

He'll be here very quickly. He's bringing the sausage rolls.

He'll arrive with his good lady in time to greet the guests whom I shall announce.

-I've never met Mrs Mainwaring.

-They're a devoted couple, only she don't get about much.

Jonesy, that microphone's ready to be switched on. ..Evening, Vicar.

That piano's got a note missing. An important one?

It is if you play In The Mood. # Da-di-thump di-da-thump... #

-I think that's rather catchy.

-He's a sporting vicar, isn't he?

Don't let Pikey near the microphone.

-He's not announcing his engagement?

-We tried to talk to him, but...

-I've got to meet my birds in the Horse and Groom.

-Where's Mr Mainwaring?

-He's just come in.

-Right.

Mr Mainwaring, can I have the sausages?

I'm afraid there's been a mishap, Jones. My wife miscalculated and they're burnt to a cinder.

-That's very distressing.

-Yes. I'm sorry.

-Don't upset yourself, sir. Only sausage rolls.

-I was very vexed.

-I gave her a good dressing-down.

-That's a very nasty eye you've got there.

-Yes, I bumped into the door of the linen cupboard.

-Yes.

If you and your good lady stand there, I'll announce the guests.

-Well, Mrs Mainwaring won't be joining us this evening.

-I hope she's not poorly.

-I'd rather not go into it.

-Right.

-I'll greet the guests alone.

-Just stand here in your greeting-the-guests position, sir.

-Keep nice and calm, sir.

-Should we have some music?

-Of course.

-Got any greeting-the-guests music?

-Trees?

-Would Trees suit you, sir?

-Admirably, thank you.

-Right, Trees.

Now, ready with the drinks?

Hats and coats all right? Got your tickets? They'll be here soon.

-Here we go... Blimey! You're early.

-8 o'clock, it says on the ticket.

-I never gave you no ticket.

-The Vicar did.

Well, take it easy on the sandwiches.

I don't want your sandwiches. He always was a troublemaker.

HE'S the troublemaker.

We never did find out who wrote that rude word on the harmonium.

Are you insinuating that it was me?

I'm not insinuating anything, but why are you blushing?

-I'm waiting, Jones.

-Certainly, sir. Mr and Mrs Henry Yeatman!

-Shake hands with the Captain.

-With me hat on?!

-I knew you was a troublemaker. Put it over there.

-Having trouble?

-His joint'll be gristle next week.

It was all gristle LAST week.

Come away, Anthea.

What's your pleasure? Failing that, what do you want to drink (?)

-I've got to announce you first.

-Doris and Dora. They're twins.

-Which is which?

-I dunno. One kicks and the other one bites, so what's the odds?

-I'll say, "Mr Walker and party."

-That's later!

-Mr Walker and parties!

-Evening, Mr Mainwaring. Where did you get that?

-The linen cupboard door.

Hasn't your wife got a rolling-pin?

Mr and Mrs Dowding!

Mr and Mrs Eccles!

Hello, Mr Godfrey.

My word, you DO look smart.

Dear me, some of the gentlemen aren't wearing dinner jackets.

-You've done us proud, Mr Godfrey.

-Father said that one was never embarrassed by being well-dressed.

I'm not quite sure he was right.

Mr and Mrs Forkus!

-Evening, Jonesy.

-Hello, Mr Fraser.

-This is ma wee niece, Blodwen.

-Hello, Miss Blodwen. Nice to see you.

If ye say one word about ma kilt, I'll bash yer face in.

-You look very nice.

-Thank ye.

Mr Fraser and Miss Blodwen!

Captain, good evening. My niece.

How do you do, Miss Blodwen?

-I see your niece is a Land Girl.

-I didn't have time to put on a dress.

Your partner amply made up for it!

Ye've got one black eye, and I ken fine how ye're going to get another.

Mr Godfrey and Miss Godfrey!

Take my arm, Cissy. It's just like old times, Charles.

-Have you seen Frank?

-Not yet, Mrs Pike.

-Oh, what's happened to him?

Mavis, you worry too much.

Mr Wilson and Mrs Pike!

-You know my sister, don't you?

-Yes, of course.

-That's a nasty eye.

-I ran into the door of the linen cupboard.

Folded card is awfully good for that.

-For a black eye?

-No, for keeping the linen cupboard door shut.

What you need is a hot onion.

No, dear, that's for earache. No, mustard plaster's for earache.

No, darling, that's for backache. It's confusing, isn't it?

It is, rather. Go and have a drink.

-Hello.

-Mr Mainwaring, isn't it time we had a dance?

-Yes, I'll tell Jones.

Jones, start the dancing.

Wait, sir. My consort's just arrived.

Mr Jones and Mrs Prosser!

Good evening, Captain.

Mrs Prosser, how do you do?

My dear, I've got to get along. Mr Mainwaring will look after you.

-Give us a ta-ra.

-Right.

DRUM-ROLL AND TA-RA

-One, two, three. Is it on?

-SCREECHING FEEDBACK

Jonesy, Jonesy, don't do that! It's not a barometer, it's a microphone.

-Ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for the quickstep!

-BAND STARTS UP

Now the fun starts. Here comes Pikey.

Mr Mainwaring, I'd like to introduce my fiancee, Violet Gibbons.

How do you do? I knew your mother.

-Who's that with Frank?

-Forget about them. We've got each other.

Arthur, I'm having none of that.

-Well done, Mr Wilson.

-I can't keep it up all night, Walker.

Er, this is Mrs Prosser...

Arthur, I shall have to sit down. That's ten dances without a break.

-I could go on all night, Mavis.

-Oh, Arthur! That's not like you.

I'll make my announcement now. No, the amplifier's packed up.

You switched it off. Belt up! How dare you?!

Turn it up nice and loud. No, Pikey!

Jonesy has an announcement. What's he going to announce? His cabaret.

-Mr Mainwaring says I shouldn't.

-He's changed his mind. Hang on.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Cabaret comes to Walmington-on-Sea. With his famous impersonations of stars of stage, screen and radio,

the one and only Jolly Jack Jones!

-#

-Corporal Jones is on the air Oh, can't you hear the chimes?

-#

-They're telling you to take an easy chair

-#

-When sitting in the dance hall Take out your Radio Times

-#

-Cpl Jones at 8 is on the air!

-#

Here are a few impersonations of well-known wireless personalities.

And who do we see coming along here but our old friend, that good chap, big-hearted Arthur Askey!

Ho-ho, ho-ho-ho, ho-ho!

Hello, playmates! Hello, playmates!

Ho-ho! I theng yow, I theng yow.

And now, who else do we see coming down the road?

It's a well-known chap we all like. Jolly Jack Warner, with his bicycle and his little girl.

-Oh, little girl...

-TA-RA FROM BAND

-Not yet, not yet!

Mind my bike, mind my bike.

-Hup and dahn the railway line.

-TA-RA !!

For a grand finale, I give you that Hollywood man, George Arliss,

in that well-known Hollywood film, The House Of Rothschild.

APPLAUSE

Well, Count Legranz, have you decided to accept the offer of the House of Rothschild?

You refuse?

Very well, Count Legranz.

But before I go, one word of warning.

Remember that those who dig graves for others usually finish by sleeping in those graves themselves.

Goodnight, Count Legranz.

And thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Jonesy, go and do Charles Laughton.

-I don't do Charles Laughton.

Do Freddie Bartholomew. Too late!

I'd like to make an announcement, since you're all gathered here tonight.

I'd like to introduce...

# 'Was it all a dream, a joy supreme That came to us in the gloom?

# 'You know it isn't a dream...' #

Oh, hello, Wilson.

-I didn't realise you were... you were still here.

-Good heavens!

Did you get locked out, too, sir?

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

Elizabeth's very absent-minded, you know.

She probably put the catch on, not realising that I was in...out.

-Hello, Uncle, Mr Mainwaring.

-Hello, Frank.

-Couldn't you get in, either?

-No.

Mum threw a bucket of water over me. That's what she does to the cat.

It's supposed to cool their ardour.

Yes, well, it certainly does that, Uncle.

I don't think I'll get married.

-Very wise, Frank.

-I

-never did.

It was a super dance, Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes, very good.

-Yes...

It was pity Fraser hit the Verger over the head with that altar candle.

It started when Jonesy stuffed that maid of honour down Mrs Verger's dress,

shouting, "Coals for Newcastle!"

Walker had no business to take those two girls down into the crypt, you know.

The Vicar will be very distressed about that. That sort of thing leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

Still, it was a good dance.

Oh, I think we should have these...these get-togethers on an occasion, occasionally.

Helps our wives and sweethearts to think that we're all pulling...pulling...

-In opposite directions.

-Yes.

Subtitles by John Macdonald BBC Scotland 1992