The Day the Balloon Went Up Dad's Army

# Who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys Who will stop your little game

# We are the boys Who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

# So, who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

I'll bring a van to the back of your shop when it's dark.

We'll take the meat to this mate who owns a restaurant. He'll see you all right.

-I'm having nothing to do with your black market activities.

-He owns a Chinese restaurant!

Well, yellow market then.

-Sgt Wilson! Why aren't the men fallen in?

-I haven't told them to.

-Would you mind telling them, now?

-Yes, yes. Pay attention, you chaps.

Would you fall in in three ranks?

No time to lose. Come on.

Platoon. Platoon, 'shun!

It wasn't awfully good, was it?

Platoon, stand at ease.

-Could you manage to do it at the same time as the others?

-Sorry, Sgt.

-It makes the platoon look slovenly.

-Sorry, Sergeant.

-It couldn't be the way I give the command?

-No.

You give a lovely word of command.

And if I may say so, a bit refined.

The sergeants I served under used to bark it out very fiercely, them being of a savage nature.

-You bark it out!

-YOU want an Alsatian!

-Stop all this bickering. Perhaps if I was to shout a bit louder...

-Just get on with it.

Pay attention now. Platoon, 'SHUN!

Remarkable, don't you think, sir?

Yes. Only one slight criticism.

The rest of the platoon is standing to attention and Jones is at ease.

What? Oh, yes! Jonesey, dear, could you possibly manage to get your legs together?

Get your legs together?! You're a sergeant not a headmistress of a girls' school. Jones, 'shun!

The only slight criticism that I have is that the rest of the squad appears to be...

All right, all right!

Stand to attention, the rest of you.

-Very smart, Jones.

-Thank you, sir. I've got nice kidneys for Mrs Mainwaring.

-Don't talk on parade.

Put them in the office after the inspection.

What's in your pockets, Walker?

-That's granulated and that's sultanas.

-Check this before I inspect the troops.

Disgraceful, Walker! Do that again and you'll have to throw it away.

It makes no odds to me. You paid for them.

It wasn't for me, sir, it was for Mrs Pike.

-Godfrey!

-Can I be of assistance, sir?

-Look to your front.

Don't wear your hat straight. You look like George Formby.

I'm sorry, sir. Would you mind holding that?

Is that better, sir?

-What's this?

-I get a twinge of gout in the damp spells, fortunately only in one foot.

You can't come on parade looking like that.

Stand at ease, everybody. Now, pay attention.

This platoon is getting very lax in personal appearance and discipline.

This is borne out by a signal from the CO. He came through yesterday and didn't receive one salute.

-And a Lance Corporal had his hands in his pockets.

-Permission to confess, sir.

-Yes.

-I was that Lance Corporal.

-I always find you punctilious about saluting.

-A touch of forgetfulness.

-You can't forget what an officer looks like.

-No, I'd forgotten my braces, sir.

If I'd raised my hand to salute I thought the result might seem unseemly.

I see. Well, for the next five minutes we're going to do some saluting.

And remember, it's the longest way up - one -

shortest way down - two.

Pay particular attention to this. Palm to the front, index finger in line with the right eyebrow.

-Thus. Right?

-Yes, sir.

-Carry on.

Squad, hup!

Left leg, hup!

Squad, hup!

-Longest way up - one - shortest way down - two.

-Hup!

- Longest way up, one. - I say! Bless you.

That's rather taken the wind out of my sails. I came in to be cross with you.

-Somebody's written something rude on my spare harmonium.

-Really?

-How does that concern my platoon?

-It's in the tower room where your men sleep on fire-watch.

-No, no.

-My men wouldn't do a thing like that.

-They have! Come and see.

Wilson! Carry on saluting, Corporal.

Shortest way down - two.

-Squad, hup!

-Longest way up - one.

Shortest way down - two.

-Hurry up, Wilson. Not in good condition, are you?

-HE SPLUTTERS

What have you got to say to that?

Oh. Well, my men don't do that sort of thing and I'm jolly well going to prove it.

-Wilson!

-Just with you, sir. Won't be a moment.

-My goodness me, sir, it's an awfully long way up.

-Yes.

-I want you to run down again and get Jones's section up here.

-Not all the way down again?

-Yes!

-Can I go home then?

-Of course not. I want you here as a witness. Dismiss the rest of the men.

-Where's the instrument?

-Pardon?

-The instrument the culprit used.

It's a wax crayon and it won't rub out.

Try again. Squad - hup!

-Longest way up - one...

-Wait a minute.

When you stick it up level with the eyebrows, give it a wiggle.

Like this, see? Wiggle, wiggle.

Squad - hup!

Longest way up, one. Wiggle, wiggle.

All right. Jonesey, Jonesey, that's enough of that.

Just get your section together.

In single file at the double to the top of the church tower. Send the rest home.

You heard the Officer. The rest of you go home. My section, at the double, left right, left right.

-Come along, Wilson, I want this over quickly.

-I don't see the point in the platoon pounding in here.

Look, I'm not having a slur like that hanging over my troops.

-My men will copy those letters and you can compare the writing.

-I'm here for my parish's spiritual needs

not to play Inspector Hornleigh.

-Where's the Sergeant?

-At the bottom. He's a bit breathless.

-I see.

You men were the last on duty here.

-Now, Corporal Jones, do you see that word?

-Yes, sir.

-Have you done that?

-Do you mean recently, sir?

Did you WRITE that?

Mr Mainwaring, I never thought you would think I was capable of such improper conduct.

-There's nothing personal about this, Jones, but I want you to copy those letters.

-Now?

-Now.

-In front of the public?

-Yes.

-In front of the padre?

-Get on with it!

-I can't do it, sir.

-It's an order.

-Perhaps he'd rather do a limerick.

-There was an old lady called Vickers Who went out without...

-I told you that in confidence!

All right! Go on, go on.

-Ah. Well, that clears you, Jones.

-I did not enjoy that, sir.

-Neither did I.

-Walker.

-My mum wouldn't like that, Mr Mainwaring!

-Come on, come on.

-Shall I sign it?

-I don't see any similarity, do you?

-Don't drag ME into it.

-Pike, you next.

-What's it mean, Mr Mainwaring?

-All in good time.

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Not now.

Somebody has got to remove all this!

-Permission to interrupt, sir.

-Not at the moment, please!

-Frazer, you're next.

-I'm refusing to obey.

-Did I hear you right?

-You did, sir.

He that toucheth pitch shall be defiled.

-Permission to report the verger is outside, sir.

-Tell him to come in.

-He's outside the window.

-He's going side to side and up and down.

-Verger!

Oh, my sainted aunt! I told him to clean the window but I didn't expect him to go to that length!

Good heavens! He's caught on the cable of a barrage balloon.

-Captain Mainwaring, I'm back.

-Follow me down, Wilson.

-My God!

Don't panic, Mr Wilson, don't panic.

Excuse me, Mr Yeatman, if you could manage to hang on a little longer I'll try and summon assistance.

Oh, Mr Mainwaring, the verger has been taken from us.

We'll soon have him under control.

Something rather odd seems to have happened to the verger.

-Don't panic, don't panic!

-I've no intention of panicking.

Vicar, I heard a voice from above. Very distressing for you.

I thought an angel had visited me. Well, you would.

And then he cried unto me, "Help! I'm caught in this ruddy string."

Grab this cable and heave.

-Godfrey!

-Would you mind holding this?

-Don't panic!

-VERGER: Somebody better panic! This is killing me.

Hold on, Verger. Help is at hand. Heave!

-Hang on, it's twisted round that weathercock on the steeple.

-So it is. Sgt Wilson!

-Coming, sir.

-You and Pike run up and climb up the steeple.

-My God!

We've no time for that palaver. One good heave will bring it away!

Look out, Vicar.

Oh, Vicar, do you think this is a judgement on us? Speak for yourself.

I haven't done anything.

Here he comes. Steady does it.

Untie him, Walker. Right, hang on, the rest of you.

You're all flushed.

How did it happen? I saw this cable wrapped round the lamp-post.

Don't touch things that don't concern you. You're a troublemaker!

-Jones!

-What are we going to do?

-Think for a moment.

If we all let go it might float away.

-If this cable goes across any high tension wires it could black out a whole county.

-We can't hang on!

-Perhaps we could grab the ropes attached to the balloon itself.

-Good idea. When I tell you, heave.

-If we brought it down a bit further we could grab the things attached to the balloon itself!

-Thank you(!)

-One, two, three!

-HEAVE.

-One more.

-Heave!

Heave.

Right. Grab a rope, Pike. Walker!

I'm going to grab hold of one of these, I am.

Where's Mainwaring? He's piggy in the middle.

-Just what sort of game do you think you're playing?

-One day, I'll have you suspended.

Get that shifted. You shouldn't have been allowed to bring it here!

This is a runaway barrage balloon and we're trying to control it.

-Get on the phone to the RAF then, instead of hanging on here like Winnie the Pooh.

-I aim to do that!

-Hurry up then!

-Come on, Wilson.

-Vicar, lend a hand with these ropes while I get help.

-Come on, Mr Yeatman.

No, I'm not going up a second time. Lightning never strikes twice.

It does in our family. I'm a twin!

Hold steady and we'll phone for help.

-Before you go, do you think I might be excused for a minute?

-Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not going to hang on here!

Pretend you're the Statue of Liberty.

I must ensure he phones properly. Miss Godfrey, cop hold of this. Come on, dear.

There's not much meat on her.

She's got big bones. Be brave. Remember Joan of Arc.

-Wilson, double round and get as many of the platoon as you can. Hurry!

-Oh, my God!

-..Hello.

Operations.

Captain Mainwaring, Walmington-on-Sea. We've captured one of your balloons.

Just a moment. Anyone lost a balloon? One called Amy is adrift.

Will you speak? Not now. Take the details and notify barrage command.

-Very good, Sir. The address, please?

-St Aldhelm's Church.

-Is the balloon attached to anything?

-Not now. It WAS wrapped round a verger.

-On her way to choir practice?

We can't have all this rubbish. The point is, is it dangerous?

'Not unless it catches fire.' It can catch fire!

- Don't let anyone smoke near it. Someone will be round by nightfall. - Nightfall!

-My men can't hold on!

-Tie it to something.

-What do you suggest?

-Give me that!

They're not tying it to anything. It MUST be shifted!

- Perhaps the ARP people could help. - Yes. Contact the ARP people.

I AM the ARP p-people!

Scramble Seven! We'll send help as soon as possible.

She's rung off. You're in charge and this is your responsibility.

-That thing must be shifted.

-I'm quite capable of dealing with this!

-I don't know if we can hang on longer.

-I've got a few words to say to you.

Surely to God he's not going to make a speech!

-The RAF are going to help...

-He is!

-..but naturally they're very busy.

-Hitler is still poised across the Channel and no one can relax vigilance.

-Oy!

No speeches! Get that thing shifted.

Why don't we walk this into Pinner fields and tie it to a tree?

That's sensible! Why didn't you think of that?

-I was about to suggest it.

-Why don't I run and fetch my lorry

and we can tie the balloon to it and that will prevent it being wafted away by an unpleasant breeze.

I've had another idea, sir. We could walk it into Pinner Woods and tie it to a tree or something.

-Yes. I'll take your place, you go and get the van.

-Very good. I shall return at six o'clock hours.

Vicar, if I were you, I'd cancel the confirmation class today.

Left!

# Amy, wonderful Amy

# How can you blame me for loving you?

# Since you've won the praise Of every nation... #

Mark time. Platoon, halt!

Excellent mooring place, men.

Pull it down your end, men.

I'll secure the cable.

Let go your end, Jones!

All clear this end, sir.

Right.

Raise the tree and I'll take a couple of turns round the trunk for safety.

Right, sir. Jump to it - hup!

Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring, don't panic!

A fine mess you've made of this. Don't just gawp, DO something!

-You've got a van, haven't you? Well, come on.

-Into the van, come on!

The van don't fly.

Quick, Jonesey, follow that balloon.

Ruddy hooligans!

H-HELP!

Useless thing.

Oy! Oy! Wait for me.

Here, you, get off that. I'm commandeering it. Come on, off!

-Can you see it, Mr Wilson?

-It's rising.

It'll rise when he hits hot air. He's never been short of that!

Unidentified object in C sector, sir.

Where did THAT come from? Perhaps it came at wave level. Scramble seven squadron.

Help! Get me down.

Ooooh!

-The wind's dropping.

-Mr Mainwaring!

Too late!

-He's above the cabin. I can't see him.

-Use the observation drill.

-Come on, Taffy.

Ready, two, three. Open, two, three. Up, two, three.

Get me down!

Blimey!

You'd better turn around, Jonesey, the wind's changing.

Here, where are you going?

This is ridiculous. We cannae go back and forward all our lives.

Mr Wilson, we must shoot holes in it to evacuate its gases.

-Do you think that's wise, Jonesey?

-Blimey, we've got to do something!

-All right, but do aim carefully.

-Surely even your lot couldn't miss a barrage balloon?!

Keep her steady, Jonesey. On you go, Pike.

What are you doing, you idiots?

How was that? He's still kicking. We'll give him three rounds each.

I won't. No, fix your bayonet in case he comes low.

What are you playing at? Cowboys and Indians?

It's moved to eight now.

'Charlie Leader here. I've spotted it. It's a ruddy balloon.

'There's a fat round thing on the other end.'

He's coming lower.

The way the wind's blowing he'll finish up in Belgium.

Oy, you, off! I'm commandeering this.

Drive on!

-He's getting lower.

-Catch him before he gets to the bend.

It's no good, Wilsie, he's gone across the field now.

Oh, no!

Oh! Oh, Freddie, that was wonderful. It was like the whole world shook.

-He's gone towards Exmouth.

-The first on the right is a short cut. Such a pretty walk.

Oy!

Can't you go any faster, Jonesey?

What do you mean? I'm doing 20 now.

Come on! You'd go quicker if you had an ugly Nazi behind you.

Well, you're not exactly Ronald Coleman, you know.

There's a balloon ahead by the bridge!

Get me out of here!

-Blimey, there's a train coming.

-Spread your legs, Mr Mainwaring.

Couldn't we burn a feather under his nose?

-I'm all right. Only a few scratches. Where's the balloon?

-Everything's under control.

Well done, you chaps.

Platoon, hup!

You've done it again!

Quick! Into the van.

Follow that balloon.

Subtitles by Hazel Nairn. BBC Scotland. 1992.