Big Guns Dad's Army

# Who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys Who will stop your little game

# We are the boys Who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

-MARCHING >

-Platoon halt!

Right turn.

All right. Fall out for ten minutes.

-Splendid church parade. The men looked very smart.

-Yes.

But why did we have to march round the town first? The church is next door.

What's the use of having a church parade if you don't parade?

-Was it entirely necessary to go round twice?

-It was worthwhile. The men marched very well.

-Pity Godfrey had to fall out.

-He caught up second time round.

-You can't leave it there! >

-What's going on out there?

-No idea.

-I'M not signing for it.

-What's the matter?

-The vicar won't like this.

-He wants me to sign!

-What's it say?

"A note from you, a call from us. No worry or fuss.

"A Pickford van, a gentle giant - A satisfied client."

A gentle giant?!

-That's what it says.

-Well, there's a war on.

Just sign for it. I can't hang about. We've got six more to deliver today.

-What is it?

-It's on the chitty. One thirteen pounder.

-What?

-There's a beautiful firing piece out in the yard!

-A dirty great gun.

-What?

-The vicar will be furious.

-Just sign, sir.

-Yes, all right.

-I say, look at this.

-What? Oh, yes.

-By jove!

-It is rather a big one.

-We'll blow Hitler to kingdom come.

-I wonder how it works.

-Jones, have you any idea?

We'd nothing like that in the Sudan.

We had a thing called a gatling gun, invented by an American dentist - a Mr Gatling.

We used to form a square and have the gatling gun in the middle.

And when them fuzzy wuzzies come curdling towards you,

we'd duck down at the last minute, up come the gun - rat-tat-tat-tat!

You had to duck quick or get the top of your helmet shot off.

-Hence the expression, "Get your head down."

-Yes, all right.

It's a "thirteen pounder naval gun on special wheel mounting."

-A naval gun? Frazer was in the navy.

-A Chief Petty Officer, I believe.

-Get him.

-Sir.

-And the rest of the platoon.

-Oi, Taffy!

Bring the platoon out. See what Father Christmas has brought you.

-There's a sort of telescope thing 'ere.

-Those are the sights.

Yes, there are some sights. O-oh!

There's a haystack plain as your face... Wait a minute, there's a couple of people in it.

Wo-ho-ho! You have a look at this, Sergeant.

-Wo-ha-haow!

-Yes, rather unusual...

-Yes, all right. Break it up.

-Is it ours, Uncle Sergeant?

-'Course it is.

-Does it make a big bang?

-Well, it's not a peashooter.

-Bangs give me a headache. I hate Guy Fawkes night.

-Oh.

-Aye, sir!

-Frazer. I expect you've seen one of these before, eh?

Oh, aye... Oh, oh, aye, oh...

-I have.

-To us it's a mysterious machine - to you it'll be an old friend.

-Tell us how it works, Mr Frazer.

-Well, now...

I'm...I'm no exactly quite familiar with this...particular model.

-Well, one gun's very like another. Surely the principle's the same.

-I dare say it's just the same.

-Show us how to shoot it, Frazer.

-Come on, get cracking.

Ah, well, you see, it's not just as simple as it looks.

Now, let me think... Aye.

The bullets come out there.

-So they must go in somewhere back here.

-Blimey, don't blind us with science, mate (!)

-You WERE Chief Petty Officer?

-Yes!

-Perhaps he didn't deal with guns.

-That's right.

-Well, what DID you deal with?

-All sorts of things, sir.

-Such as?

Mostly I was...I was a cook.

-A cook?

-A cook?! We thought you was something important in the navy.

D'ye no think eating is important?

-You said you fought at the Battle of Jutland.

-I said I was AT Jutland.

Sailors have to eat, even in battle.

When the shells are flying, it takes a man to stay below and make shepherd's pie.

You ARE a man for going on boats. I've felt queasy on the Serpentine.

-It's disappointing, but we'll cope.

-I'm sorry if I've let you down.

-You've not let us down.

Tell you what, next time there's an air raid, cook us a plum duff.

I forgot. This book come with it.

-I think it tells you how to make it go off.

-Splendid. Thanks very much.

Come on, don't hang about. Quick sharp, in the van.

Here we are. Thirteen pounder QF Mark 5 gun...on Mark 1 mounting.

-Now... It's all here, Wilson.

-Good.

-The gun crew consists of GL, SS, trainer, breech worker and two loaders.

-Sir?

-Yes.

I volunteer to be GL, SS, trainer, breech worker and two loaders.

That's the entire crew!

-Perhaps they explain it all in a later chapter.

-I'll read on.

-Position for close up...

-Close up!

That reminds me of that pantomime we did. We had this comedy drill scene,

and the sergeant said, "Close up" and we lifted our clothes up!

I'll bet that was hilarious (!)

Let's concentrate on the matter in hand, shall we?

Number 1, the gun layer... Ah, GL, you see - gun layer - GL.

He sits on the elevating wheel on the left.

-I volunteer to be gun layer, sir.

-As it's a sitting-down job, it might suit me.

-A very good idea, Godfrey, come on. Get him in.

-Mind how you go.

-And the other leg.

-Careful with him.

-Now sit down.

-Sit down here. On this seat here. That's it.

-Right-o, Godfrey. He's all right.

-Godfrey...

-Oh, I-I'm sorry, sir.

I'd leave him there for the duration.

Number 2, the breech worker, sits on the right in line with the breech.

-I'd like to volunteer to sit on the right in line with the breech.

-All right.

-Shall I get on it side-saddle or astride?

-Just get on it.

-Right.

-Oi, Jonesey! Hang on.

-What's the matter?

Blimey!

Number 3, the loader, stands to the rear of Number 1, that's Godfrey. Right, Pike - Number 3.

Number 4, the trainer, sits at the training wheel - Frazer.

Number 5, the loader, stands in the rear of 3. Walker, stand behind Pike.

-Will I get a shell?

-A practice one.

-SS at the sights. I wonder what SS stands for.

-Well, er...

-Sights Superintendent, do you think?

-Well, that'll be you.

-Oh.

Clear?

-It's not very luxurious.

-It's not meant to be.

Now...clear away obstructions to the working of the gun.

-Get Jonesey out the way.

-I 'eard that!

-All right.

-Well, he's...

-That'll do, Walker.

Next, open the breech, Corporal.

Right sir. Right sir.

It's stuck, sir.

-Give him a hand, Pike.

-Sir... Ow!

-It's all gummed up, sir.

-All right. Let me have a look. Come out of it.

-I'll do this.

-Excuse me...

You had the safety catch on.

Always somebody ready to interfere, isn't there?

-It's our gun!

-He's a troublemaker, sir.

-Right, breech worker reports bore clear. That's you, Corporal.

-Right, sir.

-Bore clear..! Bore clear..! Bore clear..!

-All right, all right.

-Once is enough.

-All right, sir.

The loader loads the gun and calls "Gun loaded" to the breech worker.

-Pike.

-Thanks, Joe.

-Gun loaded to the breech worker.

-No, just "Gun loaded".

-Just gun loaded.

-Pike!

Loader ensures his fingers are out of the breech when the breech worker works the breech.

One, two, three, four... Good.

When his fingers are clear he calls to the breech worker... the corner of the page is torn away.

-Why do I say that?

-What?

-The corner of the page is torn away.

-You stupid boy - look!

We'll never know what he calls.

How about, "Hands away"?

This is a field gun, Frazer, not Ben Gunn.

Listen, sir, if he don't get his hands away in time, what about saying, "Ouch!"?

I've warned you once, Walker.

We want something brief and to the point.

Well, how about, "Fingers out"?

-That's very good. "Fingers out". Say that, Pike.

-Fingers out.

-Good.

-Breech worker closes the breech. Close the breech.

-Shut up, sir!

-What did you say?

-Shut up, sir. The breech is shut up.

It doesn't say anything here about saying that.

I thought it was rather military.

I thought it was rather rude.

-What about, "Once more into the breech"?

-Don't be ridiculous.

On the order "Fire" the gun layer pulls his lanyard. That's you, Godfrey.

What are you doing?

-Pulling my lanyard, sir.

-That one down there.

-You want me to make it go off?

-Yes, of course.

I don't think I'm suited to the post.

I'd like to pull the lanyard. I'd enjoy pulling the lanyard.

-You can't lean over, what about the kick?

-I'll do that as well.

-The recoil from the gun!

-Right, I'll sit back a bit.

-Pike.

-I stuff it up the breech. I can't push AND pull.

-As I'm not over-burdened with work at the moment, perhaps

-I

-should oblige.

-All right, you do it.

-Godfrey, could you move yourself?

Now, we all know how the gun works, don't we...? Splendid.

-We'll have a little practice.

-What are we aiming at?

Ah.

Wait a minute.

-You see that van, driving along the coast road?

-Uh-huh.

That's an enemy tank.

You lay on that and I'll work out the range and inclination.

The range, say, 700 yards.

700 yards - angle of inclination, 2.5 degrees.

-Have you got the inclination?

-No, I...

-I'm all right at the moment.

-No, no, no.

Have a look at that dial and see that it has two degrees on it.

All right, bear to the left. Left, left...

Still further left... Aim in front of the tower, and FIRE!

-I wouldn't do that if I were you.

-Why not?

# And when I hear you call... #

Oh, yes.

Much more your size.

Rather formidable weapon. Hurt me, that.

Here we are. The sawdust for the TEWT.

-I got the tins of spam.

-I got the toy gun.

Something to shoot for the TEWT!

What shall we put the TEWT on?

-That black-out screen in the hall?

-Good idea. Would you get it?

-I will, sir.

-Thank you.

-Walker, just give me a hand round with this table.

-Right, sir.

-What is a TEWT?

-Really, Wilson. Fancy asking what a TEWT is!

-I wasn't here when you fixed it up.

-A TEWT is a Tactical Exercise Without Troops.

-Oh, really?

-The men are bringing articles to make a model of the town.

-I brought as much as I could.

-I brought a few things.

-Well done.

-Here's the black-out, sir.

-Ah.

Here you go... Right.

-Sawdust, sir?

-Right. Put it on.

-There you go, sir.

-Spread it out.

-We need to spread it out a bit.

-Yes.

Hello! That's a bit of suet.

That Ronald's getting careless. I won't be able to use that, it's all sawdust.

I'll put it in the sausages.

-Make a note of that, Wilson. No sausages next week.

-Right, sir.

Something to represent the church.

-That mess tin behind you, Walker. Can you hand it over?

-Here you go.

-A whisky bottle for the tower?

-Haven't you anything more reverent?

-This tin of health salts?

-All right. That'll do.

-Hello. I got everything.

-Splendid.

The High Street - the tins of Spam.

And the promenade - some hymn books.

-The vicar won't like this.

-There's a war on. Get the hymn books.

Right. Now...something to represent the bandstand.

What about this powder puff, sir?

Very well. That'll do. That's the bandstand.

-Now the allotments.

-Will this sponge do?

-Sounds a good idea.

Splendid. Now something for the gas works.

What about this tin of bicarbonated soda...? It's one and four, that.

Here we are, wait a minute... Here's the cricket pitch.

This'll do for the scoreboard.

-Now, what about the pier?

-Sir.

-Fine.

Don't forget, sir, the pier got blown up in the middle of it.

-Nae bother.

-No...

What are you doing? That's MY brush.

In Mrs Pike's bathroom?

Well, it WAS my brush until I gave it to Mavis.

-Now, here's our gun. Got the toy soldiers, Pike?

-Yes, sir.

-Good man.

Splendid. Now then...

This knight in shining armour, that's you, Corporal Jones.

I'm gonna enjoy this.

-This Highland soldier is Frazer.

-Great.

And then we've got Godfrey and Pike and Walker there.

Why am I the one without a head? They're my soldiers.

You'll do as you're told.

-I don't mind not having a head.

-Oh, for heaven's sake!

The cowboy and Indian - I'll be the cowboy and Wilson can be the Indian.

I had a feeling I'd be the Indian.

Don't let's get childish. Bring the men in.

Would you all come in here? This way for the T.W.I.T. (!)

-Steady on.

-Be careful, there.

Gather round, as quickly and carefully as you can.

A lot of animals!

All right? Now, pay attention, men.

As you know, our fighting potential has been increased enormously

by this thirteen pounder gun.

We must now conceive our tactics on a much broader scale.

Don't lean on the gas works, boy.

With our armament here, we control the whole stretch of the coast.

Unfortunately, some obstacles are in our way.

Now, that puff...that bandstand. That'll have to go.

It's in our line of fire

and the enemy could use it as cover for an invasion barge.

The sort of shabby trick Nazis play.

I've told the Town Clerk it must come down within 48 hours.

Isn't that a bit high-handed?

-It's the only language officials understand.

-They'll never get it down in 48 hours. It's solid iron.

I'll take it down for nothing if I can keep the iron. Well, it's war weapons.

Better leave it in official hands.

-These allotments will be flattened.

-Haud on! Haud on!

Them's my runner beans and tomatoes. You cannae dispose of them like that.

Think o' the "Dig for Victory" campaign.

Be that as it may, guns before vegetables.

We could leave the vegetables there and when the invasion signal comes,

we'll rush out and pick them quickly.

Next thing in our line of fire is the cricket pitch scoreboard.

-Please, sir, not the scoreboard.

-We can't make any exceptions.

-Can't we wait till the end of the season?

-Nazis don't play cricket.

If they did, we wouldn't be on opposite sides now.

In the event of the balloon going up, here's our new plan of campaign.

-Got the armoured car, Pike?

-Yes, sir.

-Right.

Put this behind Jones's shop.

Right. Now I want us all to adopt the places and positions

that we would be in on a normal working day.

-You go to your shop.

-Right.

-Where are you going? Corporal!

-I'm going to my shop.

-Oh, come here.

-You're represented by this knight. Put it in the box.

-Oh, I cotton on. There we go. I'm in my shop, sir.

-Frazer, you be in your shop.

-Aye, sir.

-Walker, you'll be in your...place of business.

Wilson, Pike and myself will be in the bank.

-Where will I be?

-Either in the one in the front or the one in the town.

Now, let us imagine that the church bells have just gone.

-Jones, you run out from your shop.

-I run out from my shop...

-Blast! I'm lost in the sawdust.

-Pick yourself up.

-I've got hold of meself.

-All right.

-Start up the van.

-Right. Num, num, num, num...

-Down the High Street.

-Pick up Frazer from his shop, then Walker in Slope Alley.

-Get on the back, Joe.

Sharp right turn and proceed up the East Gate Road to the church hall.

You can't. It's a one-way street.

-We can in an emergency.

-Num, num, num...

-Right.

-We shall run from the bank to the drill hall... Come on, come on, you're involved.

-All right.

-Will the van pick ME up?

-We never know where you might be... Oh, Pike!

Better make your own way there. The rest of the platoon will get here as quickly as they can.

We'll assume the invasion's started and the enemy troops are landing.

We're keeping up a constant steady fire from here, but he's also dropping parachutists.

-The rotten swine, sir!

-Exactly.

In that event, Private Sponge takes Corporal Jones's place at the gun,

-Jones takes the rest of the platoon out to mop up the parachutists. Understood?

-Yes.

On the word "Action". You be loader. Right... Action!

-Num, num, num, num, num...

-Loaded!

-Fire!

-Bang! Bang! Bang!

-Loaded!

-Fire!

-Good evening, Mainwaring.

-Fire!

-Mr Rees - Town Clerk, Mr Bennett - Borough Engineer.

-Oh, how do you do?

-Hold it, men. Hold it.

-Jones!

-Num, num, num....

-SH!

What, have they surrendered?

For the time being, yes.

-We're holding a TEWT.

-Really?

-This is Walmington-on-Sea.

-You could've fooled me.

What is the idea of sending me an ultimatum? I am not used to getting ultimatums!

-That bandstand must come down.

-Oh? Why?

-Because it's in our direct line of fire.

That is a rare example of Victorian ironwork,

erected to commemorate Queen Victoria's visit here in 1891.

I remember that, Mr Mainwaring.

I was guard of honour for Queen Victoria.

And she come down the ranks and hesitated in front of me.

And she murmured to her aide-de-camp, "He reminds me of my dear Albert."

And she had a little tear in her eye.

And I reiterated. I said - and she reminded me of my dear old Mum.

And do you know, she swept right on, and hence the old expression, "We are not amused."

Neither are we, Corporal.

-What were you saying?

-You can't say that bandstand must come down just like that.

-It has to go before the Town Council.

-So, put it before the Town Council.

-It's got to be discussed in Committee, first.

-There's no time for this red tape.

-There must be some other way.

-We could have an emergency meeting, if it is considered urgent enough.

-The whole town's safety depends on this gun.

-You'd better convince the Committee of that.

-I'll lay on a full-scale demonstration.

-Excuse me...

-Not just now, Verger.

-Oh, well, I'll get the Committee along.

-All right. 10.30 on Sunday morning.

-Is that wise?

-Don't worry.

-Excuse me...

-Go away.

All right, then, 10.30 on Sunday. I wouldn't miss this for the world!

-Excuse me, sir. I've got to put this black-out up.

-Put it up later.

It's got to go up now, and that's that.

SHOUTS OF PROTEST

# You say the sweetest things, baby

# You have me right... #

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

-KNOCKING REPEATED

-Come in!

-KNOCKING CONTINUES

We've brought the camouflage,

-to prevent enemy aircraft from perceiving our firing position from the air.

-Good man.

Get somebody to help you put it over the gun.

A-CHOO!

-Pike's helping me, sir.

-It's ever so dusty, sir.

Never mind. Spread it over the gun, and weight it down with sandbags.

Just a moment... Just a moment.

Oh... Ah, Mr Rees. We'll be ready in five minutes. You're a bit early.

Five minutes, eh? And what would happen if I was the invasion? Would you have five minutes then?

If you were the invasion, Mr Rees,

-you'd be heralded by the bells and a fusillade of shots from our gun.

-We'll see about that, won't we?

Come with me. You'll be impressed.

-You're doing a good job.

-Thank you, sir.

-Permission to carry on?

-Carry on is just about the right name for it.

Detachment rear!

-Where's Godfrey?

-Over there, sir.

Godfrey, over here.

Godfrey! What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry, sir. I was just taking precautions in case you let it go off.

Go and join the gun detachment.

On the command "Action", go in like greased lightning and get that gun in action.

-Squad...

-Shouldn't we remove the camouflage net before we start?

-Not very good thinking.

-Why not?

What is the point in uncamouflaging it just when the enemy is likely to see it?

At the last moment we'll whip aside the net and pour forth deadly fire.

-Deadly? Who to?

-You'll see, sir.

Enemy tank right. Action!

Come along, now. Quick as you can. Keen as mustard, these chaps.

-Range - 500 yards!

-It'll be 10 yards by the time they're ready!

Oi, Jonesey.

Where are you? I got a shell for you.

FRAZER: There's somebody in my place!

-Range 500 yards.

-Standing still, is it?

-Range 450 yards. Corporal, is the gun ready for action?

-I don't know. I can't find it.

Walker, go in and find him.

Cop hold of that, sir. Oi, Jonesey, where are you?

Won't be long. Enemy tank right, 450 yards.

-Where are you, Frazer?

-I cannae turn the handle for this damned net!

Pike, Wilson, get this net off. Come on.

Come along, now. Hurry up.

-Corporal, stay where you are. They're taking this net off.

-I won't let it beat me, sir.

Hey! Take the damned thing off!

-Enemy tank right, range er...

-300 yards!

-300 yards it is.

All right, I've seen enough. I'll report to my Sub-Committee.

Well, thank you very much for coming along, Mr Rees.

-These little discrepancies will be ironed out in the drill.

-I'm sure.

-My Committee can sleep sound in their beds.

-Rest assured of that.

Provided they make them inside that enemy tank.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd