Room at the Bottom Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

-Evening, sir.

-Evening.

-Where's Mr Mainwaring?

-I'm afraid we've got the auditors at the bank.

-He's clearing up one or two points.

-I see.

-I can't wait. I've got two other units to visit. Could you give him a message for me?

-Certainly, sir.

Bit awkward. Don't know how to start.

-Well, would you care to sit down?

-Thank you.

How long has Mr Mainwaring been a captain?

-Since we started.

-Since you were Local Defence Volunteers?

-Yes.

-There were no commissions in the LDV.

-Weren't there?

-No.

Home Guard officers were granted a commission in February. How did he become a captain?

I...I think he sort of...

made himself one.

-I wondered why, as a captain, he was only in charge of a platoon.

-Is that wrong?

It IS usual to have a lieutenant in charge of a platoon.

-I see.

-We're just beginning to sort out these ranks.

He never WAS a captain, so I'm afraid we'll have to take one of his pips off.

-Will you tell him?

-Yes. I'll do that.

-Tell him that I'll confirm it in writing.

-Right. Yes.

Only a lieutenant. Mmm.

Fancy that!

-Sergeant, your cup of char.

-Ah!

-Thank you very much indeed.

-You look like the cat that's got the cream. What's up?

-Oh, nothing!

Nothing!

Oh, I got your what's-its-name.

Thank you.

-You don't half look happy, Sergeant.

-You know how it is!

Oh, yes.

Yes.

-Mainwaring...

-CLEARS HIS THROAT

I'm afraid I've got some rather bad news for you.

Mainwaring, brace yourself for a shock, you know. Oh, yes.

Yes.

I'm afraid, Mainwaring,

one of those little pips has got to come off.

Oh, yes.

Good evening...

LIEUTENANT Mainwaring.

-How are you?

-Hello, Wilson.

Well, you'll be pleased to hear that I've got the drill sergeant for us.

-What drill sergeant?

-Don't you remember anything? I said that the platoon was sloppy.

He'll be drilling us on Friday.

I think he'll be a good man.

What have you got on your head?

A beret, sir. Rather suits me, don't you think?

-You're not supposed to wear that.

-No?

-They're for officers only. Take it off!

The Home Guard is now an organised fighting unit.

People can't just promote themselves to any fancy rank.

Funny you should say that. Captain Bailey said that.

-He was here?

-Yes.

-Usual red tape nonsense?

-Yes. He just wanted you to take off one of your pips.

-Is that all?

..WHAT?!

He said that you're not a captain, you're only a lieutenant.

-Are you trying to be funny?

-No, sir!

We'll soon settle this.

Upstart!

Give me Eastgate 166, please.

Pity he's got nothing better to do. And you've nothing better to do than listen to him!

..Hello?

It's Mainwaring here.

CAPTAIN Mainwaring. Walmington-on-Sea.

There's been some mistake.

Captain Bailey was in here earlier and he's left some garbled story with my sergeant.

It's quite possible HE could have got it wrong. Something about taking a pip off.

What?

Yes. I thought so.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Right, Wilson, what's the game?

Game?

Yes. Telling me that I'm not a captain any more!

-Who did you talk to there, sir?

-The sergeant - who knew nothing about it.

-Oh?

-Well? I'm waiting for your explanation.

-Well, I...

I'm forced to say...

that you've confirmed a suspicion

that's been in my mind for some weeks. You're jealous of me!

Jealous, sir?

Don't think I haven't noticed those glances at my hat.

That's why you bought a beret - to keep up with me.

-You'd give anything to be in my shoes, wouldn't you?

-You're quite wrong!

I'd just as soon serve as a sergeant or a humble private.

These pips don't mean... THAT to me!

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello. Home Guard.

It's for you, sir.

Mainwaring here.

Oh, hello, sir.

Yes. I spoke to the sergeant.

..He'd only just come on duty?

What? I don't quite...

He hadn't been told what?

Yes, sir.

But surely... Yes, sir.

I'm sorry, sir. I really am!

-Excuse me, sir, can I help?

-No. I don't think so, Godfrey.

Don't forget, I was in gent's outfitting for 35 years, sir.

-I don't think that would be of use to me.

-At least let me try.

-What's the trouble?

-I'm taking a pip off each shoulder.

-Oh, yes.

-Trouble is, you can always see the marks where the pip's been.

-Yes. I know!

-Why ARE you taking it off, sir?

-I can't go into it now. Don't say anything to the men about this.

-About what, sir?

-Never mind.

Go home, Godfrey.

Nearly time to dismiss the parade. ..Oh, I see you've taken them off.

Yes, yes, I've taken them off.

-Don't say anything to the men.

-They'll find out.

-Then I shall find a way that they won't find out!

-You must have been seeing things.

-No. I helped him.

-Maybe he's been promoted.

-That's it!

Major. He's taken them three pips off to put a crown up.

Oh, blimey! He was pompous enough as a captain!

Come along, please. What have I got to say?

Yes. Right. At ease.

Can't wait to see what's on his shoulders!

Walker. Please.

Platoon, attention!

Ready for inspection, sir.

Eyes front, Frazer.

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Yes?

Why are you wearing that shoulder protector. Is that standard dress?

No. I'm just testing them out.

-Anything wrong with that?

-No, sir. I like it!

-A word about...

-Excuse me, sir!

-Yes?

-You cannae take a parade wi' your badges covered up.

You've told us yersel', it's not the man we salute but the King's commission.

We can't see your badge or rank. You'll have to take it off!

-Very well. You might as well know the truth...

-Mr Mainwaring, sir!

Mr Mainwaring, sir!

-What is it, Verger?

-The Bismarck's been sunk!

-What?!

The German battleship, Bismarck, has been sunk. News just came through!

I'll tell the Reverend. I don't know how he'll take it.

Dismissed!

-That's good news.

-Yes. The Navy saved your bacon!

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in!

Ah, good evening, sir.

-Evening. Mainwaring not here yet?

-I'm afraid not. He's still with the auditors.

Pity.

-How did he take last night?

-Take what?

-His pips off!

Well, he...he just cut them off. With a penknife.

-No, no! How did it affect him?

-He was terribly cut up.

-Yes. It makes my task even more difficult.

-What task?

Well, when...eh... Mainwaring phoned up GHQ last night, we began to look into things.

It appears he hasn't even been commissioned as a lieutenant.

I'm afraid I don't quite understand.

Simple. He has no rank, so he has no authority over this platoon.

-It's all in that letter. Give it to him, will you?

-Yes, sir.

-By the way, in the meantime...

YOU'LL be in charge.

..Until I can make other arrangements.

-Good news about the Bismarck, wasn't it?

-Awfully good.

CAPTAIN MAINWARING CAN BE HEARD

-Think I'll go out this way. Give him that letter, won't you?

-Yes.

-Hello, Wilson.

-Hello, sir.

-Everything all right?

-Yes. Quite all right.

-Get the men together. I want to talk to them.

-Before you...

-No.

-No use putting it off. They must know I'm now a lieutenant.

-Yes.

-Ours is not to reason why.

-I DO think you ought to read this letter from Captain Bailey.

-Has he been here again?

-Yes.

Anybody would think he didn't want to see me.

I think if you don't mind, sir, I'll...eh...I'll just go and do something else.

-All right.

-Right.

-BANG!

-My God, he's shot himself!

Sorry about that bang, Mr Wilson. Mr Godfrey had one up the spout and it went off by accident.

Nobody was hurt, Mr Mainwaring.

Nobody was...

-What's the matter with...?

-He's had a shock. Perhaps you could help me.

-Sit down.

-Didn't think rifle fire would affect him.

I can't get over it! Mr Mainwaring was never an officer.

He's not an officer at all!

I wonder how he's taking it.

He was awful at work. Mr Wilson had to push the post underneath the door.

We're gonna miss him.

Serves him right. He struts about the place like a peacock.

There you all are.

Just fall in. In three ranks!

-Come on, Walker!

-All right!

Come on. Just listen to me.

Now, before we go on with any...eh...

..any rifle exercises...

I should tell you that I've been put in charge of this platoon until they appoint a new officer.

-You're gonna be leading us on the exercise on Sunday?

-Yes.

-What's happening to Mr Mainwaring?

-He's no longer a member of this platoon.

-That isn't accurate.

When I was informed that I was no longer your commanding officer,

my first reaction was to go away quietly.

Then I thought the defence of this town must come first.

This country needs every man it can get.

I was very proud to lead you as Captain Mainwaring.

I shall be equally proud to march in your rank as Private Mainwaring. That's all.

TRUMPETING

Never you mind, Mr Mainwaring. You'll always be CAPTAIN as far as I'm concerned.

Form a little rank beside me, my dear sir.

Move over, Mr Godfrey.

-That was beautiful, that was. Beautifully done.

-Very good indeed, sir.

Sycophants!

You haven't got a rifle.

All right. Here you are, sir. Here you are.

-Now, sir, are you quite sure that you want to go through with this?

-I thought I made that clear.

-Right.

In that case, platoon... Are you ready, sir?

-Get on with it!

-Platoon, atten-shun!

Stand at ease!

I used to have that trouble.

-I'm all right now.

-Yes, all right.

Platoon, atten-shun!

Blast!

I think you've put me off, Mr Mainwaring!

-That was so much better, sir.

-It wasn't. Do it again, Wilson.

Platoon, stand at...

Platoon, stand at...

Just...eh...just wait for it, sir.

Stand at ease!

Platoon...

atten-shun!

It took Jonesey a year to get it, and Mainwaring's put him right back!

< Quiet!

-Is the platoon ready?

-Ready for what?

-Drill! I'm supposed to drill you.

-I told you!

-Stop talking! Now, let's have a look...

-Are you sure...

-you wouldn't rather just fall out, sir?

-Have no fear...

-"Sir"?

-It's awkward...

-What is he? A knight(?) A rough night!

Ain't you got no sense of humour? Come on, have a good laugh, get some air in your lungs!

I do a lot of laughing, I do.

I should think you lot would give me a few chuckles before the evening's over.

What are you laughing at? I'm not really laughing. It's my normal expression.

The only thing about you that IS normal.

< Look to the front! Head up!

< Not that high! Think you're a Bisto Kid?

No use looking at the ground. There's nothing there. I know - I've been all over it.

What a 'orrible lot!

-You an old soldier, are you?

-Yes, Sergeant. I've been all through.

-I'll bet(!)

Well, Kitchener may need you but I don't.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I should be doing something useful, like drilling soldiers.

Hey, you! Where did you get that hat?

-I beg your pardon?

-That hat!

-Hat?

-On your 'ead!

-I bought it.

Bought it?! It's an officer's hat! You got no business wearing an officer's hat!

Who do you think you are?

Stomach in...chin in... Both of 'em!

Why aren't you in the Army? I was. I got me ticket.

What for? Allergic to corned beef!

You've got "malingerer" written all over you.

You're due for the Army soon, ain't you?

I wanna go in the Navy, but me mum says I'm too delicate. Oh, dear(!)

What's wrong with you? I've got a chest. Really?

YOU'D LOOK FUNNY WITHOUT ONE!

I've got a cure for that - running on the spot.

You look like some foreign nancy-boy treading grapes! Up! Up!

-And you! Up! Up! Up!

-Up! Up! Up!

-Not YOU!

-Up! Up! Up!

-Up! Up! Up!

-HALT!

But I like it, I like it, sir.

We got a keen one here, have we?

You'd better not. I wouldn't like any harm to come to you.

-You remind me of my granddad.

-Really?

-Yes. He died five years ago.

-When they dug him up he looked better than you do now!

-You're going too far, Sergeant.

I beg your pardon?

-I said, you're going too far.

-His Lordship again! Says I'm going too far.

YOU'RE going too far, but you ain't gonna get anywhere! Up! Up! Up!

Mr Mainwaring was our officer.

Officers, I hate 'em!

Up! Up! Up! Up! Halt!

Hold that.

Stand at...ease!

Platoon... Wait for it!

Platoon...

atten-shun!

..You're a bit behind.

You glamorous knight(!)

VERY FAST: Stand up straight, chins in, chest out, stomachs in...

Excuse me. Would you repeat that?

Slope...arms!

Oh, give it here!

Watch me, and when I've done it, do it exactly as I do. Understand?

Slope...arms!

One, two, three! One, two, three! One!

Right!

Slope...

arms!

One, two, three! One, two, three! One!

-Have you seen anything of the enemy?

-Not as yet, Mr Wilson.

In that case, we'd better send out a scout. We don't want to run into an ambush.

-I'd like to volunteer for that, Mr Wilson. Let me be your scout.

-All right. Very well, then.

In that case, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like you to run...over there...

to that little thing, that little humpty, have a look...

-and if you can't see the Eastgate platoon...

-The SOUTHGATE platoon.

-It doesn't matter what it is.

If it's all clear, give us the signal and we'll come on.

Very well, Mr Wilson. I'll go running up there... and I will go to the humpty.

-And if there's no enemy present, I will signal you and you'll come on.

-Yes.

Off you go.

I don't think you should have sent him.

-I couldn't stop him.

-Mr Mainwaring wouldn't have done that.

-Oh, Lord!

All clear. Look.

-Why's he signalling with his trousers?

-He always overdoes everything!

All right. Come on. Let's go. Come on, Godfrey. Can you manage?

What a terrible disgrace - letting ourselves be wiped out like that!

They'll be no platoon left for the new officer to take charge of!

Hear that, Jonesey?

-I heard it. The platoon's at rock bottom.

-If only we had Mr Mainwaring back.

Joe, what about it?

It's no good looking at ME, mate. This time I'M stumped.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Well, why shouldn't I have one?

"Dear sir, permission to write.

"As an old soldier of 30 years' service and a member of the Royal Antidiluvian Order of Buffalos,

"may I put in a good word for our late captain?

"His reduction in rank has had a shattering effect on our morals..."

"Dear sir, as the youngest member of the platoon,

"I would like to say what a fine soldier, officer and gentleman Mr Mainwaring is...are...

"..was.

"My mum says..."

"Dear sir, may I most humbly and respectfully beg to place before you

"the following facts for consideration at your convenience?

"Mr Mainwaring has always..."

"Dear sir, this caper of slashing our officer, Captain Mainwaring, down to size, is not much bottle.

"Fair do's is what I says. J. Walker, esq.

"P.S. If a couple of bottles of Scotch would tip the balance, you're on."

Here, Jock, aren't you going to write a letter?

I'll do it when I get home.

I'm not illiterate. I'm capable of writing a letter by mysel'!

"Dear sirs, now that the post of commanding officer for the platoon is vacant,

"I would like you to consider a certain private who served with distinction during the last conflict.

"Jealousy has caused him to be ignored in the past whenever promotion was due.

"In spite of all this, I feel I must reveal his name, which is...

"..Private Frazer.

"Signed, a well-wisher."

After receiving all these letters, GHQ felt duty-bound to grant Mr Mainwaring his commission.

HOORAY!

Southgate, Eastgate and Walmington-On-Sea will be formed into a company

with Mr Mainwaring as second-in-command, and his rank of captain confirmed.

-Hooray! Hooray!

-Hoi! No need to overdo it, you know.

-Good news, eh, Sergeant?

-Awfully good.

The letters were unanimous in their praise for Captain Mainwaring. Well, practically unanimous.

-Congratulations, Captain.

-Thank you, sir.

-And thank you, men, for your trust.

-You have that!

I assure you that I shall continue to lead you to the best of my ability as long as I'm needed.

That's great!

Dismissed.

-Good luck to you, sir!

-Thank you.

Congratulations. Welcome home, Captain!

If you need anything, tip me the wink.

Ever so pleased, sir. And me mum.

If ever you're minded to make up another lance corporal, I'm perfectly willing...

no, PROUD, to serve under ye.

I'll bear that in mind, Frazer.

Nasty business.

-But all's well that ends well.

-Yes. It did have its funny side.

When I got home, I laughed and laughed.

-Did you really?

-Yes.

To think that all the time you were running things...

-you had no authority over us at all.

-I know.

None whatever. Hadn't even got the authority to promote you to sergeant.

Still, I'm sure everything will sort itself out eventually.

In the meantime, perhaps you'd care to borrow my penknife.

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