Something Nasty in the Vault Dad's Army


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Something Nasty in the Vault

Classic wartime sitcom featuring the Home Guard of Walmington-on-Sea. Mainwaring and Wilson are in the bank when an unexpected guest drops in.


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Transcript


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8:21

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# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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-Oh, good morning, Mr Jones.

-Good morning, Frank.

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-How's Mr Mainwaring this morning?

-A bit tired, I think.

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Are these night patrols getting him down?

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They're getting my mum down!

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She's fed up with me and Uncle Arthur coming in at all hours.

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None of us are getting enough sleep these days.

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With the war on, we all have to get used to going a bit short.

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That's what Uncle Arthur told my mum, Mr Jones.

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Is this your wages cheque for the week?

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Yes, it's a bit bigger this week. That's £2/12/6

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30 shillings for Miss Mortimer at the cash desk

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and 22/6 for the boy, Raymond.

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-He used to get a pound, but I've given him a rise this week.

-I see.

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If you want good staff, you've got to pay them properly.

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Yes. There's two £1 notes, a ten shilling note and a half crown.

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I'll put it in the carrier bag.

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If people hear I'm carrying wages, I might get knocked on the head!

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Hello, Jonesie! Drawing out the wages?

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Shh! Not so loud!

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Hello, Spikey!

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Morning, Mr Walker. Paying in again? That's three times this week.

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I can't keep it all under the mattress - it gets so lumpy.

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-There's something funny about this £5 note.

-You mean it's a dud?

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-I'd better show it to Mr Mainwaring.

-All right.

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Tell you what, I'll look after the shop, see nobody nicks nothing.

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Are you paying in or taking out?

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'Ere, d'ya want any clothing coupons?

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-A bob a piece?

-No, thank you.

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-I'll do a special price. Ten bob a dozen?

-No, thank you!

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Petrol coupons?

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-I haven't got a car.

-Ah, I can help you there...

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Look here, Walker, this £5 note is a forgery!

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What's all this Walker bit? I'm not on parade now. I'm a customer!

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All right, Pike. I'll deal with this. Come along to the next...

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The point is, I cannot accept this note, Mr Walker.

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You mean it's a fake?

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And a very obvious one!

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Only a fool would be taken in by it. Who gave you it?

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-You did.

-Well, didn't you...?

-I

-did!? When?

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Last week. Don't you remember? I got you three bottles of whisky.

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All right, I'll give you five ones.

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You ought to take more care of your money, Mr Mainwaring.

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-Here you are.

-Ta.

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-Can you get me some razor blades?

-They're scarce, but ten bob a dozen.

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That's a bit steep!

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I told you, they're scarce.

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Give me the money and I'll bring them tonight.

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-Got any change?

-No, I haven't got ten bob.

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Wait a minute. I'll take it out of YOUR money. Just a moment, Pike.

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There you are. That's one for you, and one for me.

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You're a financial wizard, Mr Mainwaring.

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I don't wonder they made you a bank manager

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See you on parade, MISTER Walker.

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I'll be there, Mr Mainwaring. Don't take any more dud fivers.

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-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes, sir?

-May I have a word?

-Certainly, sir.

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My name is West.

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Yes, Mr West. Did you wish to open an account?

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No, I did not. I'm an inspector from the Head Branch.

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Ah.

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-Perhaps we'd better go into my office.

-Yes, perhaps we better had.

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I'll open the door for you.

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Come this way...

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Oi, what's old Mainwaring been up to, having a bank inspector here?

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Let me take your hat and gas-mask.

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-Thank you.

-Thank you. Do sit down.

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Do you always interview people with a revolver on your desk?

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Oh, yes. Especially in the spring.

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What's the spring got to do with it?

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Surely you realise Hitler is only waiting for the spring to invade?

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And I suppose you think you'll stop him with that popgun?

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Not only me. There's the rest of my platoon.

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We're fully armed and trained to kill.

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Really? Well, I shall come to the point at once, Mr Mainwaring.

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Your monthly report to Head Office has become very irregular lately.

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May I point out to you that I'm not only responsible for this branch,

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but I'm also responsible for the stretch of coast

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from Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Novelty Rock Emporium?

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Some of you chaps will be heartbroken when this war's over.

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You just love the Home Guard, don't you?

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Gives you every opportunity to dress up and strut about in uniform!

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For your information, Mr West, I never strut!

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What's that damn great gun doing there?

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It's a Lewis machine gun, Mark 1.

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We keep it there in the daytime,

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as it covers the street from Stead and Simpson's to Timothy White's.

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You'd use that to shoot at Germans!?

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If they were coming out of Timothy White's, yes.

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-They'd shoot back!

-Very probably.

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But they'd damage the bank! Don't you realise that?!

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This is highly irregular! I must report this to Head Office.

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-AIR RAID SIREN

-Really, I... Excuse me.

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-Sergeant Wilson! Private Pike!

-Coming, sir.

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-This is Sergeant Wilson, my Chief Clerk.

-How do you do?

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-And Private Pike, one of my cashiers.

-Sir.

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-What day is it, Pike?

-Thursday, sir.

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-What plan do we put into operation on Thursday?

-Plan B, sir.

-Carry on.

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Please, sir, can I put Plan B into operation? You promised me I could!

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Ah, that's what I like. Keenness.

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-You don't mind, Sergeant?

-No, sir. Not at all.

-Carry on.

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Attention all staff! Plan B will be put into operation! Non-combatant staff to Shelter A !

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Captain Mainwaring, Sergeant Wilson and Private Pike to Shelter B.

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-Potential NCO material there, I think, Wilson.

-Oh, yes.

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Awfully good. Very good.

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That's how it works here, sir. Like a smooth, well-oiled machine.

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-No panic, no fuss.

-No.

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-There's one thing you've forgotten.

-What's that?

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Today happens to be Friday!

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You stupid boy! Stop them at once!

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Quickly, Frank!

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Really, Mainwaring! What a complete waste of time!

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Two hours we've been in that shelter, doing nothing.

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All we heard was one plane, and it might have been one of ours!

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Oh, no, sir. It was a Dornier.

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You could tell by the noise the engine made.

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NnnnnNNNNnnnn!

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-That'll do, Pike.

-They do have a high-pitched whine. They go...nnn-nnn-nnn-nnn!

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Ours have a slower and steadier sound, like, mmmmmm-mmmmmm!

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You can always tell a Jerry plane. It has a nasty, foreign sound.

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THEY ALL HUM

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This is no time for a lecture on enemy aircraft!

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-Get on with your work, Pike.

-Just go, Frank. Leave the room.

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You realise I shall... Good heavens above!

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How did that hole get there?

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-I've never noticed that before, have you?

-No, I haven't.

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You fools! You...fools!

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While you've been playing soldiers, someone's broken into the bank!

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Get on to the police!

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I can assure you, all the money's in the strongroom.

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Then what is that? And that?

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I'll get on the phone at once, but I do think...

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-Where the devil's he gone to?

-I've no idea. Mr Main...!

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Oh, this is absurd! What are they playing at? Eee!

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Someone's broken into the strongroom!

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I say, somebody's broken through the floor into the strongroom!

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Mainwaring! Can you hear me? Are you there?

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-Can you hear me?

-Hold it, Wilson!

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Don't let it go!

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All right, sir! Keep it steady! Keep it up, sir!

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-Don't...!

-I'm trying to get hold... It's very heavy, sir!

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-Let it go - easy, easy! Don't jog your end.

-All right, sir.

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What are you doing down there? Mainwaring! Mainwaring!

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-Sir, if you could just lower your end...

-Don't do that!

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..we could squeeze outside.

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-Any movement could set this off!

-We can't sit here all day holding it!

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If you don't stop jogging your end,

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we'll be sitting on a cloud, holding a harp!

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Mainwaring! Why don't you answer me? Have they taken much?

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Mainwaring! Wilson!

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What are you sitting there for? What's that thing on your knees?

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It fell out of the plane. The one you said was one of ours.

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You fools! You fools!

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Don't you realise that's a bomb?

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It might go off at any moment! What would Head Office think?

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Stay there! Don't go away! I'll get help!

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Don't move, whatever you do! I'll get help!

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Blimey! That was Shell, that was!

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I've brought your sausages, Mr Mainwaring.

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They're nice and fre...

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-That's funny. Mr Mainwaring?

-Is that you, Jones?

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-Yes, I brought your sausages. Where are you?

-I'm here!

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Where?

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Oh, I get it. You're doing a camouflage.

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That's very good. I can't see you at all.

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-I'm here!

-Oh, I give up. You're too good for me.

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Give us a clue. Am I getting warmer? Warmer?

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Quite warm, Jonesie, yes.

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You shouldn't have gone to all that trouble to hide from me, sir.

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I've brought you some sausages. I know you like a nice banger.

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-We've got one of our own, Jones(!)

-Eh?

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-Jones!

-Yes, sir?

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-Listen very carefully.

-Yes, sir.

-Go and get help.

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Blimey! Is that a bomb you and Mr Wilson are holding?

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Of course it is! Go and get some help!

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Yes, I will, sir. I will. Don't panic! Don't panic!

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Don't panic! You're all right!

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I'm in charge now! I'm in charge! Don't pa...!

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Private Pike, come in here! At the double!

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You hold on, Mr Mainwaring and Mr Wilson. Hold on.

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-What's the matter?

-Don't panic!

-I'm not panicking. What's the matter?

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I'm putting this bank under martial law!

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-There's an unexploded bomb down there, Frank!

-Then hadn't we better get out?

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-It's OK. It won't go off - Mr Mainwaring and Mr Wilson are holding it.

-Oh, that's OK, then.

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What!?

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I'm going to clear the bank,

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then I'll go to my shop and phone the bomb disposal people.

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And they will do that.

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Then I'll find the people of my platoon and come back here. Yes.

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-What shall I do, then?

-Er...put your tin hat on!

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Get a gas-mask and a bayonet and don't let anyone in except me!

0:13:230:13:27

-What do I do if the bomb goes off?

-Er, use your initiative.

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-Frank!

-Yeah?

-Don't panic!

-I'm not panicking!

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Mr Mainwaring? Uncle Arthur? Are you down there?

0:13:400:13:44

Mr Mainwaring?

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Uncle Arthur?

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Is that the bomb you're holding?

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Pike, what's going on up there?

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Mr Jones is in charge. You have nothing to worry about.

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We've everything to worry about.

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Has he sent for the bomb disposal people?

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-He's just phoning them now.

-Thank goodness!

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-Uncle Arthur?

-What is it?

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-Do you think I out to phone Mum to tell her?

-No!

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She'll be angry if she finds out and you didn't tell her!

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Frank, please!

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-Pike, are the staff out of the bank?

-Mr Jones is doing it, sir.

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Make sure he is. Get everybody out of the bank.

0:14:280:14:32

Righto, sir. What plan, sir? A, B, C, D or E?

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Any bloody plan!

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Attention all staff! Put Plan B into operation...

0:14:450:14:48

-Who are you shouting at, lad?

-The staff. We're using Plan B.

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What are you talking about? There's nobody there!

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Some wild-eyed lunatic said there was an unexploded bomb in the bank. Is that right?

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Get back! Go on, get back!

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Have you gone barmy?

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This bank is under martial law! No-one gets in unless Mr Jones says!

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Put that down, I'm trying to help!

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No! I've got my orders, and no-one will stop me carrying them out!

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Argh! Argh!

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What are you playing at?

0:15:170:15:19

Strewth!

0:15:230:15:24

Is that a bomb you're holding, Mr Mainwaring?

0:15:280:15:30

If anybody else asks me that, I shall go mad!

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Don't you realise that bomb could blow up half the high street?

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This is an ARP matter! I'm taking charge of the situation.

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Don't do anything silly. I'll be back in a minute.

0:15:410:15:44

-Don't panic!

-I'm not panicking!

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Are you frightened, Wilson?

0:15:510:15:53

Well, now that you've brought it up, yes, I am a bit.

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So am I.

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Not only that. I've got a terrible - maddening, it is -

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itching on the end of my nose.

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-Oh. You hold it steady with both hands and I'll wiggle my left hand out.

-Oh, good.

0:16:080:16:16

I think I can probably... scratch your nose.

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That's awfully good of you, sir.

0:16:210:16:24

-Thank you very much.

-Hold it still.

-Yes.

0:16:240:16:27

-How's that?

-Much better, sir.

0:16:330:16:36

-Any more?

-No, no, no. That's...just right.

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Gosh...!

0:16:540:16:55

Gie's a hand.

0:16:560:16:58

How long since you phoned the bomb disposal people?

0:17:000:17:03

About 20 minutes. They said they'd be as quick as they could.

0:17:030:17:06

I hope to God they are.

0:17:060:17:07

Captain Mainwaring...we're here.

0:17:100:17:14

Is there anything you need?

0:17:140:17:17

I've got your razor blades, Mr Mainwaring!

0:17:180:17:20

That's a stupid remark, that is!

0:17:240:17:26

He won't want to shave at a time like this!

0:17:260:17:29

I'm trying to comfort him.

0:17:290:17:30

In times of stress, you need to talk about normal things.

0:17:300:17:34

Yes. We ought to try and keep things as normal as possible.

0:17:340:17:38

-Corporal Jones?

-Yes, sir.

-Listen. Get your men out of the bank.

0:17:380:17:43

There isn't anything you can do.

0:17:430:17:46

There's no point in risking your lives unnecessarily.

0:17:460:17:49

I think he's right, you know.

0:17:490:17:51

There's nothing we can do, even if we stay.

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I see, it's like that, is it? Anyone else want to go?

0:17:540:17:58

Hang on. I didn't say I wanted to go, I just don't see what we can do.

0:17:580:18:03

-I don't care about that. I'm staying.

-What about you, Mr Godfrey?

0:18:030:18:07

I'd rather stay. It must be a comfort to them to know we're here.

0:18:070:18:12

After all, Mr Mainwaring wouldn't leave us.

0:18:120:18:15

I can't leave my Uncle Arthur. My mum wouldn't like it.

0:18:150:18:20

-What about you blokes?

-I'm staying.

0:18:200:18:22

Right. Joe, if you want to go, go.

0:18:220:18:24

Hey! I didn't say I wanted to go, you old duffer! All I said was...

0:18:240:18:28

Oi! What do you blokes think you're doing here?

0:18:280:18:32

Nobody's allowed in here. I've cleared the street.

0:18:320:18:34

You're not clearing us out - I'M in charge!

0:18:340:18:37

This is an ARP matter! I'M in charge!

0:18:370:18:40

That don't cut it with me, mate - I'm in command here.

0:18:400:18:43

I'm second-in-command!

0:18:430:18:44

Captain Rogers, bomb disposal. I'M in command.

0:18:440:18:47

Oh, yes, sir. Right, sir.

0:18:470:18:49

Don't do that!

0:18:490:18:50

Where is this bomb?

0:18:530:18:55

-Are you chaps all right?

-Yes, thank you.

0:18:580:19:02

We'll soon get you out of that mess...I expect.

0:19:020:19:06

Tell me, who keeps the key to the strongroom door?

0:19:090:19:12

We do, but they're both on us.

0:19:120:19:16

Can't you get through the hole?

0:19:160:19:18

I wouldn't like to chance it with my weight.

0:19:180:19:21

It might set that damn thing off.

0:19:210:19:24

It's a bit tricky, that. Rather tricky.

0:19:240:19:27

They've got the only two keys down there.

0:19:270:19:31

-Permission...

-Jonesie, I'm going to kill you!

0:19:310:19:34

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Pardon?

0:19:350:19:39

Let me go down that hole, sir. I'd like to go down that hole.

0:19:390:19:43

No, sir. I'm much more wiry than he is, sir!

0:19:430:19:48

I wouldn't want to chance anyone going down there.

0:19:480:19:50

The bomb is balancing on a piece of wreckage.

0:19:500:19:52

Anyone jumping down there might disturb it,

0:19:520:19:55

and the whole shebang will go sky-high!

0:19:550:19:58

Yes...well, I'll go and see if the street's clear.

0:19:590:20:02

Leave it to me! Hold on a wee while longer.

0:20:040:20:08

I think I've got something in the shop that'll do the trick!

0:20:080:20:12

Hey, I've got a bite!

0:20:180:20:20

Whatever you do, don't pull it now!

0:20:210:20:24

All right. Take it up. Slowly. Very gently.

0:20:340:20:38

All right, Captain Rogers will be down in a minute.

0:20:440:20:49

Thank goodness for that.

0:20:490:20:50

-How are we today? All right?

-As well as can be expected(!)

0:20:540:20:59

-Can you manage?

-Yes, thank you.

0:21:030:21:06

Ah, it looks like an SC-50. Yes...

0:21:060:21:09

I'll just make sure. I think it is.

0:21:090:21:13

We want to know what we're tampering with, eh?

0:21:130:21:16

-It would be as well.

-Let's see...

0:21:160:21:18

Ah, yes. It contains 25 kilograms of high explosive,

0:21:180:21:23

and makes a crater six metres in diameter, three metres in depth.

0:21:230:21:28

I thought they'd stopped using these small bombs.

0:21:280:21:33

-Is this a small one?

-Oh, Lord, yes!

0:21:330:21:36

They're using 100kg ones now.

0:21:360:21:38

But I have a pet theory about these bombs, you know.

0:21:380:21:41

I think there's a dead area.

0:21:410:21:43

If you're in the right position, you'll only get slight concussion.

0:21:430:21:47

-I haven't put it to the test. I wouldn't like to, would you?

-No.

0:21:470:21:51

I can't hear a damn thing!

0:21:520:21:54

Your heartbeats are vibrating against the casing.

0:21:540:21:57

Would you mind taking a deep breath and holding it? In we go...

0:21:570:22:03

THEY INHALE

0:22:030:22:04

Hold it.

0:22:040:22:05

One more, please. Deep breath in...

0:22:080:22:11

THEY INHALE

0:22:110:22:13

Hold it!

0:22:130:22:15

-That's fine. Nothing to worry about.

-Can we let it out now?

-Oh, yes!

0:22:170:22:21

THEY EXHALE

0:22:210:22:23

Now, then, I think we can penetrate.

0:22:230:22:25

Aha... Nasty.

0:22:420:22:45

Very nasty.

0:22:450:22:46

I'm afraid we've got a trembler.

0:22:480:22:50

-Is that a bad thing?

-It's not good.

0:22:540:22:57

-I'll have to go and get a special tool to deal with that.

-Oh, no!

0:22:570:23:02

I'll have to nip back to HQ.

0:23:020:23:04

I'll put that on to steady it.

0:23:040:23:06

Whatever you do, don't tip it at all.

0:23:060:23:09

Otherwise... Well, just keep it level.

0:23:090:23:13

I'll get back as fast as I can.

0:23:130:23:16

I'll deal with it then.

0:23:180:23:20

I'll just close this door. We don't want anybody to pinch anything, eh?

0:23:240:23:29

You know, sir, I don't think I can stand very much more of this.

0:23:290:23:34

Oh, come on, Wilson. Cheer up.

0:23:350:23:38

"There is a destiny that shapes our ends, rough hew them as we will."

0:23:400:23:45

I'm reminded of the tale

0:23:490:23:50

of the Australian soldier sent to the front.

0:23:500:23:54

He was met by a British officer who said, "Did you come to die?"

0:23:540:23:59

And he said, "No, sir, I came yesterdie!"

0:23:590:24:02

It's a play on the words, you see.

0:24:100:24:13

-On the pronunciation of the word "die".

-Yes...

0:24:130:24:17

Do you get it?

0:24:170:24:20

Yes, I do get it. Yes.

0:24:200:24:22

HAMMERING FROM ABOVE

0:24:280:24:32

Just a wee while longer. You'll be out in no time.

0:24:340:24:39

It's all right, sir. We've got everything organised up her.

0:24:390:24:45

Excuse me. I wonder if you'd care for a cup of coffee?

0:24:450:24:50

-Lovely!

-Thank you, Godfrey. It'll be most welcome.

0:24:500:24:55

-One lump or two?

-Two, please.

-Mr Wilson?

-No sugar for me.

0:24:550:25:00

We're nearly ready now, Mr Mainwaring.

0:25:020:25:05

-What's going on up there, Corporal?

-You'd be surprised!

0:25:050:25:09

HAMMERING CONTINUES

0:25:090:25:11

JONES: When I give you the signal, you lower this away, right?

0:25:110:25:18

-Right.

-Oh! Wait a minute! Oh!

0:25:180:25:20

No! Not me! No!

0:25:230:25:25

Take it up! Take it up!

0:25:290:25:32

-Steady!

-Are you all right, Jonesie?

-Don't rock this thing!

0:25:320:25:37

-Be very careful.

-All right.

0:25:370:25:40

-Now you'll be all right, sir.

-What on earth are you doing, Jones?

0:25:400:25:45

We're going to lift this bomb off you.

0:25:450:25:48

-Shouldn't you wait for Capt Rogers?

-No, he'll be ages. No time to lose.

0:25:480:25:53

-It's worth a try.

-Here's your coffee, Mr Mainwaring.

-Thank you.

0:25:530:25:59

That's the wrong one, Godfrey!

0:25:590:26:02

Oh, dear! Then the other one's wrong, too!

0:26:020:26:05

Ah.

0:26:050:26:06

-Could you put your finger there?

-Certainly.

0:26:120:26:16

Walker! Put that money down at once!

0:26:170:26:21

-Sorry, sir. I suddenly felt that I'd like to die rich.

-That'll do!

0:26:210:26:26

Godfrey! What kind of knot do you call that?

0:26:260:26:30

It's one we used at the Civil Service for Christmas presents.

0:26:300:26:33

I think it's called the Cupid's Bow.

0:26:330:26:37

It's a good job I didn't have you with me in the Navy!

0:26:370:26:40

I don't know. I've always fancied the idea of being a sailor.

0:26:400:26:44

You nearly ready, Jock?

0:26:440:26:45

That should do the trick, Jonesie!

0:26:450:26:48

You lot go upstairs and get ready to haul.

0:26:480:26:51

I'll stay down here and keep the bomb steady.

0:26:510:26:55

Don't worry about the coffee cups. I'll wash them up later.

0:26:550:26:59

-Now, Mr Wilson, you know what we're going to do?

-Yes.

0:27:020:27:05

We'll take this bomb off you,

0:27:050:27:07

and we've pulled it up a little way, we'll tie it off.

0:27:070:27:11

-Thank you, Jonesie.

-That's all right, my dear.

0:27:110:27:14

-You all right, Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes, Corporal.

0:27:140:27:17

-I think you'll get mentioned in dispatches for this!

-I doubt it.

0:27:170:27:22

When it's all over, I'll give you half a pound of liver.

0:27:220:27:25

-Are you lot ready up there?

-Aye!

-Well, you take the strain.

-Righto!

0:27:270:27:32

-Take the strain! Away you go!

-Steady!

0:27:320:27:35

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! No!

0:27:350:27:38

Well, men...

0:27:460:27:47

every member of our platoon is part of a close-knit unit.

0:27:470:27:52

It's safe to say every man today played his part to the full.

0:27:520:27:55

-ALL:

-Thank you, sir.

-Here's to you!

0:27:550:27:58

On behalf of Head Office, I think I can say we're proud of you all for saving the bank.

0:27:580:28:03

Thank you, sir.

0:28:030:28:04

Sir, that was eleven pints and Mr Godfrey's port and lemon.

0:28:040:28:08

All of that came to 10/6.

0:28:080:28:10

Mainwaring, I think Head Office would like to show their gratitude.

0:28:100:28:15

-Take it out of that.

-That's very civil of you.

0:28:150:28:18

Where's my Arthur? Arthur, there you are! Are you all right?

0:28:180:28:23

Mavis! Please...! No need to fuss.

0:28:230:28:27

-But that bomb!

-No need to get hysterical like this.

0:28:270:28:31

You're so brave, you really are! And you, Mr Mainwaring!

0:28:310:28:35

Thank you very much.

0:28:350:28:38

Excuse me, sir. She won't take it.

0:28:400:28:42

-That's very generous of her.

-No, she says it's a dud.

0:28:420:28:46

Don't worry about it. Here, take it out of this.

0:28:480:28:51

Walker! That money belongs to the bank!

0:28:520:28:54

Does it? I thought it was bomb damaged!

0:28:540:28:57