The Bullet Is Not for Firing Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

SIREN SOUNDS

-What's that? What's that noise?

-It's the all-clear, sir.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-What time is it?

About six o'clock, sir.

Eighteen hundred hours.

No, no, sir. That's the night. Night.

-Well, isn't it night?

-No, it's the morning.

-Is it? Why haven't you taken the blackout down?

-Sorry, sir.

-Did you...manage to drop off, sir?

-Oh, no, no.

-Really? I thought you did. Your eyes were closed.

-Just resting them, Wilson.

-I wasn't asleep.

-With all your responsibilities, sir, who would blame you?

-I did not sleep.

-I'm sure you were fully alert. Even if you WERE snoring.

Go and put the kettle on, Sergeant.

Right, sir, right.

-They'll be ready for a hot drink, poor devils, after being out all night.

-It's rather absurd.

Just because somebody saw a parachute. It could've been ours.

It's hardly likely.

You very rarely read about any of ours being shot down.

-Maybe not, but common sense must tell you it happens.

-I don't want that sort of talk.

Nazi planes going back were obviously stricken.

-One was very low, and still firing.

-I think he hit the gasworks, sir.

-You haven't lit it.

-Pardon? Oh.

Ah, here they come.

-Better put our hats on. Can't let them see us improperly dressed.

-Of course not.

Left, right, left. Right wheel!

Right wheel!

Squad, mark time!

Put some guts into it. Pick 'em up, Godfrey.

-They won't go any higher.

-Squad - halt!

Right turn!

As you were!

Left turn!

-Sorry, sir, got in a little bit of a muddle there, sir.

-Yes. Carry on.

-Right, sir. Squad...

Order arms! As you were!

Come on, boys. I know we've been on patrol all night, but snap to it, please!

Order arms!

Stand at - ease! That's better.

We don't want the men to get slack, sir.

-The worst thing you can do.

-Thank you, Corporal.

-Hand in your ammunition.

-We ain't got none, sir.

-Why not?

-We engaged enemy aircraft with rapid fire.

-You did what?!

It was so low, you could almost touch it. Jonesey fixed his bayonet.

-You sure it was one of theirs?

-Oh, yes. It was a Heinkel, Uncle.

He loosed off his machine gun at Marks and Spencers. ..A Jewish firm, you know.

-I never knew that.

-So we let him have it right up. And he did not like it, sir.

He weaved from side to side, then disappeared with black smoke coming from his engine.

-You shot him down?

-Either us or the two Spitfires on his tail.

Jones, you know we've only got five rounds each. If the enemy strikes tonight, we can't go out.

We've still got our bayonets.

And I've still got my rounds, sir. They were in my cardigan pocket.

When I got them out, the plane had gone.

One doesn't know whether to be pleased or sorry about that, sir.

These buttonholes are too small. I know a geezer what'll fix 'em for a bob each.

- For new buttonholes? - No, he files down the buttons.

That'll do, Walker. We have to report this to HQ.

-In the meantime, the kettle's boiling.

-I'm dying for a cup of tea.

-That comes later, Godfrey. Weapons first. Pull them through and boil them out.

-H-e-y...

We were on guard all night.

-Yes. We've all been on our toes all night, Fraser. Haven't we?

-In a manner of speaking, yes.

We're a fighting unit, and our first thought must be for our weapons.

-Carry on, Sergeant.

-All right, men, fall out.

-Do we have to tell them, sir?

-We do if we want more ammunition.

-Excuse me, sir... This ammo, I could get it for you.

-No, no...

-How much?

-A bob a round.

-No, no...

-From where?

-An Irish battalion.

-They sell their ammunition?

-At 10 o'clock on a Saturday night, they'd sell you the Pope.

-Go on!

-Sorry I spoke.

-Get out.

If it's money you're worried about, we could organise a sort of whip round.

I won't hear of it. I'm reporting this to Headquarters.

It's a bit strong, Jonesey. We should have a cup of char first.

Regular soldiers can have a kip, but we've to work. You call what you do work?

Hang on. That whisky you get every week don't fall off a lorry of its own accord.

It has to be pushed.

-It's hard for people like me, who have to work with their brains all day.

-Your brains?

All you've got to do is keep your fingers out the way.

-That's that.

-What did they say?

-A clerk has taken the details.

-Will we get the ammunition?

-They'll do their best.

-Perhaps Walker could...hire it.

-Perhaps on a sale or return basis.

-This is a war, Wilson, not a Rotary Club dance!

-I'd better see how the men are.

-Probably tired and thirsty.

-Yes. I'll go and boost their morale.

-I wouldn't, if I were you.

-You don't have the stomach for this job, Wilson.

Well, there you have the advantage of me, sir.

Right, how are we getting on? Barrels all bright and shiny?

-Having a little trouble, Corporal?

-No, it's just got a bit stuck.

-Let me have a try.

-Right, sir. My arm's not as strong as it was.

-I'm not getting the joints to chop, you see, sir.

-Just notice this, will you?

You get better purchase on it if you wrap the pull-through round your hand like this.

Give a sharp tug and...!

What have you got on the other end?

I think it's knotted.

Well, we'll just have to try some other method, won't we?

Here's a little wrinkle I picked up in the last conflict.

-Tie it to an immovable object.

-Just like Roy Rogers ties his horse.

Like that, you see?

Now, all we want is a sharp jerk...

I've just polished that!

Sorry, verger. We'll get it repaired for you.

-The vicar's gonna play merry hell when I tell him.

-I'll talk to him.

He hasn't got over you doing bayonet practice during Evensong.

Bloodcurling, it was, right in the middle of his Responses.

Let's find something more substantial.

Ah, this post will do.

If you pull that down, you'll pull the whole hall down.

-It's hardly likely to come down, Pike.

-I hope not.

-Watch the officer now!

-Is this wise, sir?

-Please, Sergeant!

Right. Here we go.

Oh.

Sir, that seems to pose rather a problem, doesn't it?

-I'm aware of that, Sergeant.

-Perhaps someone at Area Command...

-He'd look a right fool going there.

-Sir, you could burn the string out.

-It is a precision instrument, Pike!

There's millions of red ants in my window box.

-If you put some honey in the rifle, the ants might eat it away - in time.

-Yes...

We don't have that much time.

-What about a teaspoon of Harpic? That shifts most things.

-Bring me a stair rod, will you?

'Ere, that's parish property. Here y'are, sir. Vandals!

Right, ram it down. Give it a tap or two, Fraser.

Oh, yes, that's much better, Fraser.

Well, there you are, Corporal.

We've made a start.

Where's my Frank? Here, Mum. Where on earth have you been?

We've been shooting at aeroplanes. Have you washed your face? I told you...

Come on, I'll give it a go with a flannel. I have to boil my rifle.

Mr Mainwaring, Frank's coming home. It's a disgrace, you keeping him out all night with a dirty face.

Mrs Pike, stop interfering with the running of my platoon.

Then you should run it better. Frank, show Mr Mainwaring your hands.

Oh, Mum! Show him your hands, Frank.

Ah-ah!

-Look at that. Do you go about with hands like that, Mr Mainwaring?

-That's nothing to do with it.

-And what on earth are you doing?

-Don't concern yourself. It's jammed.

-Give it here.

No wonder it's jammed. There's a bit of string stuck in it.

Come along, Frank.

-I've found another one, Mr Jones.

-Keep at it, we need every cartridge case we can find,

so as they can replace them. Come on, Joe, give us a hand.

-I picked mine up as I fired them.

-Why didn't you hand them in?

I couldn't, could I? Want a light?

-Ah, good, Wilson. Well worthwhile.

-Yes, sir.

The lads are in favour of buying the stuff from Walker.

I will not be a party to that! Anyway, it's too late.

-Put those in the cupboard as evidence.

-Evidence?

-For the Court of Inquiry.

-Area have ordered us to enquire into the loss of 75 rounds of ammunition.

-Oh, dear.

Dear, oh dear.

Oh dear.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

-What on earth's the matter?

-Nothing, sir.

-But for a few paltry bob, we could have hushed it up.

-Look, honesty is the best policy.

Not like the General to convene a Court of Inquiry for this little thing.

It was this pompous little Captain fellow - Mainwaring.

He said... he couldn't cover anything up.

Damn nuisance! I've got tickets for Leslie Henson tonight.

I'm taking a WREN. Commissioned? Sort of Midshipwoman.

Trust the navy. We'll cut it short then, okay?

You bet. I'm having a 5/- austerity dinner at the Ritz. Taking a FANY.

Commissioned?

I don't know. They all look alike to me.

-What shall we do with this, Uncle Arthur?

-I don't know. Put it anywhere.

Across the door? No, you couldn't get in.

Perhaps Captain Mainwaring would drape it around himself, like Britannia.

I don't think that's very funny, Walker.

Put it over the table.

We've got two officers coming from Area Command.

I could get you some Coronation beer mugs.

George VI with a crown on his head. Six bob each.

This is a Court of Inquiry, Walker. Nobody will be swilling beer.

Lance Corporal Jones reporting for duty, sir.

Yes, Cor...

What in heaven's name is that?

Full dress uniform, sir. Lord Kitchener liked this when anyone was on a fizzer.

This red coat's been worn by the British Army for 200 years.

Trouble is, the red shows up and lots of men got shot, sir.

One hot day in India, when the air was all dusty, some of the men put dust on them,

and they didn't get shot. Hence the expression "khaki".

That's an old Urdu word, sir, meaning dust. Hence another expression...

All right, all right.

I've brought you my sword, sir.

-What for?

-In the navy, it goes in front of the Senior Officer.

-If we're gonna do this, let's do it right.

-That's right, sir.

We always gave the fuzzy-wuzzies a fair trial before we shot them.

You point it at the man if he's guilty.

That would be a little difficult, Fraser.

I've been using it to make toast.

Well, thank you, Fraser.

But I think we'll hold that in reserve. Pay attention, men.

Some of you may think I've let you down by bringing in Area Command.

But to defend our homes, we've got to have ammunition.

-And this is the only way we are going to get it.

-Excuse me, sir, this has just come.

-It's the ammunition.

-Yes, later, Pike.

Now... Ah, well, they must've been impressed by the correct way we tackled this problem.

-Right, dish it out, Sergeant.

-Right, sir.

Excuse me, sir. Two officers from HQ are outside. Very pleasant.

Really? Sergeant! Call the witnesses in.

Send them in, Godfrey, please.

Now look here, Captain Mainwaring, I hear you pulled my banister down.

Wanton vandalism, it was.

We will be responsible for the repair.

-I wish you'd show more consideration, Captain.

-There IS a war on, Vicar.

-This way, gentlemen.

-Good afternoon, gentlemen.

The damage is bein' done by the ones on OUR side. That'll do.

-You've always been a troublemaker.

-All right, Corporal.

-He takes the collection home to count it.

-Ohhhh!

-Why don't you count it in the church?

-Jones, go out and see to the men.

Very good, sir.

-Everything's ready, gentlemen. Vicar, I have a Court of Inquiry here.

-And I have a meeting.

We'd better discuss this later.

Vandals.

Why DO you take the collection home?

Sorry about that. Bit of trouble with a civil power.

-Mainwaring.

-Pringle.

-How do you do?

-Cutts.

-Captain.

-We're keen to bash on, Captain.

-We both have urgent affairs to attend to.

-Right. We'll make a start.

-Permission to speak, sir. I've seen to the men, sir.

-Stand by to show in the witnesses.

Sgt Wilson will take the evidence.

I'll just read the order convening the court.

The Court of Inquiry will assemble...

at 1700 hours on Monday 12th May, to enquire into the loss of 75 rounds of 300 ammunition

by No. 1 Platoon, B Company, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.

Er...excuse me... We're holding a Court of Inquiry.

-Oh, I'm sorry. Has the vicar's meeting been cancelled?

-No, he's in the office.

Oh, yes, he'd have let me know. Do you mind if I go through?

No, carry on. Help him, Sergeant.

-It's nice to see you up and about again, Mr Blewitt.

-I'm much better now.

-We missed seeing you in the bank.

-I was 16 weeks with my leg up.

-May we carry on?

-Of course. Quick as you can, Sergeant.

-He's not as young as he was.

I'm younger than you are!

-The Court of Inquiry...

-Shall we take it as read?

-Very well.

-Can we call the first witness?

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Yes, Corporal.

-I'd like to volunteer to call the first witness, sir.

-Call Private Walker.

-Yes, sir.

Call Private Walker.

Call Private Walker.

I've called Private Walker, sir.

Now, look here, Walk...

-Is this the vicar's meeting?

-No, it's through there.

Oh, he didn't tell me that. I'll show you the way.

-Is this going to continue?

-I'll post a man on the door.

-Sergeant, what are you doing?

-I've mislaid my pencil, sir.

For heaven's sake, borrow this.

-See that nobody else comes in, Corporal.

-Very good, sir.

-Now, Walker, we're enquiring into the loss of...

-Right, sir, I've seen no-one else comes in.

-Start giving your evidence. Name?

-Jones.

Not you. Sit over there.

Very good, sir.

Name?

Joe Walker. Wholesale supplier, scrap dealer. Also private, sir.

-Now what happened?

-Shouldn't this man be on oath?

-He doesn't HAVE to be.

If you do things the right way, there's no comeback. Bible, please, Wilson.

Well, I haven't got a bible, sir.

-I told you to provide one.

-You never did.

I ordered it when we decided to get more milk.

I know where I could lay me hands on one. A quid. Gold lettering. No rubbish.

-Get the one out of the church.

-It's chained up.

-Why not nip in there, do the swearing?

-Sir...!

-Yes?

-In the office there's a book by Baden-Powell. He wore a boy scout hat, sir.

-We could swear on that.

-On the hat?

-No, he's written a book called "Scouting for Boys".

-Really!

-Let's just get on with it.

Perhaps we should, yes.

I could get you 75 rounds of ammunition by 8 o'clock tonight.

-Stand to attention! Get on with it.

-Well, we were just swannin' around...

when this dirty great Heinkel comes out the sky. I said to Jones, "Look..."

-Wait, Walker. I've only got to "swanning around".

-Just carry on.

I said, "Hey, Jonesey, look at that." "What?" he said. I said, "The Heinkel". But Jonesey...

-Well, he can't see too well, an' he's a bit deaf...

-Oi, I heard that!

Corporal, kindly leave the room.

-Yes, sir.

-Let's just keep to the point.

-I'm in the next room, sir.

-About the shooting...

-We shot at it.

We'll need a teeny-weeny bit more detail.

-I was giving him more detail.

-Tell us about loading the rifles.

-Who gave the order to fire?

Jonesey, sir.

-Put that down. Jones gave the order to fire.

-CHOIR SINGING

-What in heaven's name is that?

-I'll deal with this.

Excuse me...

Vicar... Excuse me...

I've got a Court of Inquiry in there. We can't have all this.

-This IS the church's hall, Mr Mainwaring.

-It's been requisitioned.

-Not this room.

-Even so.

-If you can do bayonet practice in the middle of my Responses,

I can do my Jubilante now!

Now, look, Vicar... You and I are standing shoulder to shoulder

facing a common enemy.

-Surely we can cooperate?

-Oh, very well. We'll do a quiet one.

"Lord, now lettest Thou Thy servant depart in peace." Nothing personal, Mr Mainwaring.

-I don't think we'll have any more interruptions.

-THUNDER

They've come back. Wilson, stand the men to. Stand by the sandbags.

Excuse me.

Take cover, Vicar. Everyone under cover.

-It's only thunder, sir. It wasn't a bomb.

-Really?

-Your journey wasn't really necessary, was it?

-Terribly sorry, gentlemen. Carry on.

Corporal, get these men out of here.

We're getting soaked to the skin out there.

Couldn't we use our umbrellas?

If I get wet, my mum'll play merry hell.

-Shall we adjourn for half an hour?

-Oh, no. No, we should continue.

-But the witnesses are listening.

-Why don't the platoon demonstrate?

A wizard idea!

Very well. Show us what happened.

Well, when I saw the plane, I remembered what you said to do.

-And what you said about a khaki handkerchief for camouflage.

-Yes.

Well, we didn't have time for all that rubbish. We scattered, didn't we, boys?

-I was about to give the order...

-FAINT SOUND OF CHOIR

-I was just...

-What's the matter, Corporal?

-I think I'm going, sir.

I hear angels' voices.

It's the choir in the office!

Well, if that's what it's like to go, I like it.

-Have I got to take all this down?

-No, no. What happened next?

-We remembered what you taught us, sir.

-Come on, boys, show 'em.

Just like you said, sir. Swing with the plane, boys.

-And then I gave the order - shoot!

-No, not shoot. Fire!

VANDALS!