The Lion Has Phones Dad's Army


The Lion Has Phones

Wartime sitcom. An enemy aircraft crash-lands in the local reservoir, testing Captain Mainwaring's communication system.


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Transcript


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again,

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# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

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# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun,

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think old England's done? #

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# Britain is in danger And the enemy has sworn to take our land,

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# But when Britons know their country is in danger... #

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-Sgt Wilson!

-Sir!

-Fall the men in!

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Platoon, fall in!

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-Atten-shun!

-Very sloppy, indeed.

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-Get knotted!

-Take that man's name.

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All right, sir.

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-Sgt Wilson.

-Sir.

-Fall the men in.

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All right, sir. Platoon, fall in!

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Right, platoon. Atten-shun!

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-Very sloppy, indeed.

-Get knotted!

-Take that man's name!

-All right.

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-Sgt Wilson.

-Sir.

-Fall the men in.

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Right. Platoon, fall in.

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-Atten-shun!

-Very sloppy, indeed.

-Get knotted!

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-Take that man's name.

-Right, sir. William Potter, died 1910, sir.

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-Sgt Wilson.

-Sir.

-Fall the men in.

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Right, sir. Platoon, fall in!

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A first-class exercise in camouflage.

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Today's lecture is on communication.

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In an invasion, enemy paratroopers will try to capture these points.

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The gasometer here, the railway bridge, the telephone exchange and the water reservoir there.

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Without those, the town would be crippled - no gas, no trains, no telephones and no water.

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-Now, very few of us can survive for long without water to drink.

-I've managed it for years!

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In short, these are all vital, so the object of our exercise is...

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To prevent the enemy taking control of our vital parts!

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Yes...I suppose you could put it that way.

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We shall station two men at each of these strategic points.

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In the event of an attack, one man phones me here at the Church Hall.

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If one man is phoning you, what happens to the man who is left behind?

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-He'll be rushing the other way!

-Walker, Walker, this is not a matter for levity.

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The other man will pin the enemy down with constant, withering fire.

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That might be difficult, sir. We've only got 5 rounds each.

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We'll have to make each shot tell, won't we?

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I have pinpointed the nearest telephone box to each point.

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100 yards from the railway bridge, 50 yards from the gasometer and one at the reservoir gates.

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Our problem is the telephone exchange. The nearest one to that is over half a mile away.

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-Inevitably, there will be a delay.

-Maybe we could use a telephone in the exchange.

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-What?

-It would save time.

-Well done, Wilson (!)

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When I get the call, I will come with a swift, mobile attacking unit.

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See that your bicycles are in good working order.

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What happens if the phone box is out of action?

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We'll just have to improvise. Anyone got any suggestions?

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-Yes, sir!

-Wilson, write this down.

-Yes.

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes.

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Why not climb the gasometer and heliograph down to the Church Hall?

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That's a long way to heliograph!

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-I don't quite follow you, Jones.

-You get the rays of the sun on a mirror. We did it in India.

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-We were fighting the Pathans. They had knives and they'd stick...

-Yes, yes, all right. Thank you.

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-We could heliograph.

-You can't see the gasometer from the Church Hall.

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-Couldn't one of us be on top of the church tower?

-Good. That's very good. Make a note.

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There is one snag. All these points are facing in different directions. You might be looking the wrong way.

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-You might be walking around.

-Yes...

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-What have we got so far?

-Jones is on top of the gasworks flashing his...heliograph.

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There's a man on top of the tower just...walking around!

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-I'm not too happy about Jones' heliograph. It might be raining.

-What about tick-tack?

-Tick-tack?

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Like at the racecourse when they signal the odds. All you need is white gloves.

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I have a rather nice pair of white evening gloves I could let you have.

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I used to wear them at the Civil Service Stores staff party.

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People don't bother now, but a gentleman is never properly dressed without his gloves.

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-Shoot a hole in the gasometer and set it on fire. It'd show for miles!

-You're into the realms of fantasy.

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That's nice, innit (?)

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All right, Jones. Just...

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To signal from the bridge, tap the railway line.

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You'll hear it for furlongs if your ear is on the line.

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But a train may hit you! You'd hear it coming!

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-ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT

-Settle down now.

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At least it's a lively discussion.

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Just assume the phones are working.

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Sir, I can't use public phones. Mum says they're unhygienic. You can catch things.

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-Hold it away from your face.

-I tried that once. I couldn't hear.

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-How do you make calls?

-Uncle Arthur lets me use the one at the bank.

-Really?

-Frank!

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-Not often. Only when I phone my auntie in Scotland.

-I'll speak to you later, Wilson.

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I'm no good with them, either. I always get so muddled up. I'm quite hopeless at machines.

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Yes...(!) Well, I'll have to show you how to use a telephone box.

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-Come on!

-It's for the benefit of those who don't know. Pay attention.

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You can get mastiffs in your ear!

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I think we'd better do it by numbers.

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On the command, one, you pick up the receiver.

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-On two, put the coins in the box. Ching, ching.

-Ching, ching... What's this ching, ching thing?

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The coins dropping into the box! Don't be put off by this noise.

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The operator will say, "Number, please?" and you give this number.

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-Warmington-on-Sea...

-333.

-Yes, I know the number!

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Then the operator will say, "I'm connecting you" and when I answer, press button A. Clear?

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-Right, let's have a go. You be the operator, Wilson.

-Right.

-One...

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-Pick up. Two...

-ALL: Ching, ching, ching, ching.

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-Come on, Wilson!

-What?

-Number, please?

-Oh, number, please?

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ALL: Warmington-on-Sea 333.

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-Get on with it, Wilson!

-What?

-I'm connecting you!

-Sorry. I'm connecting you.

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You can't put tuppence in until the operator says so. You put the pennies in first!

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-ARGUMENT ENSUES

-Quiet!

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We'll do it under combat conditions. We'll assemble at the telephone box outside the gates of the reservoir.

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Fall the men in.

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Fall out and get your equipment.

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# It's grand to know the thumbs are up in England,

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# The sign that shows that everything's okay... #

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Platoon, halt!

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Sgt Wilson, Corporal Jones, come with me at once.

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How dare you swim in there! Do you realise we drink that water?

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We're not doing any harm. Why can't we swim in it?

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Clear off at once.

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Do what the soldiers say. Soldiers(?) Jones the butcher and frosty-face from the bank!

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Clear off! Platoon, fall out.

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Take this boy's name, Sergeant.

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Left, right, left... Mark time in front. Platoon, halt!

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Left turn.

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Now, we're going into the telephone box two at a time.

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Er, Pike and Godfrey first.

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-Corporal.

-Sir.

-Form the rest of the men up in a queue.

-Right, sir.

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-Come along, Pike and Godfrey.

-Form a queue outside!

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Right, you go in first, Pike.

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Now...

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Take the receiver in your left... Pike, I can't talk to your back, boy. Turn round.

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-I'm sorry, sir. I can't.

-We'll go out and start again.

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Right, Godfrey, you go first.

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Right.

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Now, take the receiver in the left hand... Godfrey!

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Godfrey, will you take your arm from my throat?

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-It's the way I came in.

-Well, go out and start again!

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Now...

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Take the receiver in the left... Look, it's no use. I'll have to take you one at a time.

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Go out, Godfrey.

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Now then, Pike, where...?

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Right, now, take these two pennies, lift the receiver with your left hand...

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Get it up to your ear, boy! It won't harm you.

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Clear off!

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Now, I want you to phone me at the Church Hall. There will be no answer, because I'm not there.

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So you can press button B and get your money back. Ready?

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Just a moment.

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-Wilson?

-Yes, sir?

-Tell that boy to go away.

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If you have to do that, would you do it somewhere else?

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Put the pennies in.

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Oh, just like you said, sir. It went ching, ching!

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-'Number, please?' Warmington-on-Sea...? I've forgotten it!

-You stupid boy!

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It's Warmington-on-Sea... Just a moment.

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-Wilson! Wilson!

-Yes?

-Just checking on the number.

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-Oh, yes? 333, sir.

-Quite correct!

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Warmington-on-Sea 333, please. 'I'm trying to connect you.' Thank you.

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Now, just let it ring for a bit, then press button B.

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-CLUNK

-Why did you press button A ?

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-Well, somebody answered.

-What?

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-Hello, Mum!

-Where are you, Frank?

-In a phone box at the waterworks.

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-I told you never to use them!

-Mr Mainwaring made me!

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-I'll have a few words to say to him.

-He's here now.

-Put him on.

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-My mum wants to speak to you, sir.

-Really?

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-What are you doing in my office?

-I brought Frank's clean scarf down and I heard the phone ring.

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-But...

-Why is he using a public telephone? He's never...

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Wilson! Come and sort this out. It's Mrs Pike on the telephone.

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-Come on, boy!

-Frank, come along.

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-Right.

-Hello?

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-Hello, Mavis?

-Oh, it's you, Arthur. I thought you'd have known better.

-It's not my fault...

-It is!

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-You mollycoddle him far too much.

-Hear, hear!

-Capt Mainwaring agrees.

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-You're being rather silly.

-Silly, am I?

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-Am I only here to administer to your little comforts?

-Mavis...

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-You think I'll come running.

-I've never asked you to run, Mavis.

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You take me for granted, Arthur. I won't stand for it any longer!

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Please... She's hung up. What will I do?

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I don't know! I can't sort your domestic squabbles out!

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Will the next one kindly come in?

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Of all the absurd ideas! Showing us how to use a telephone box (!)

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It's a good job we didn't have any telephones in the Sudan.

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The fuzzy-wuzzies would have come and cut it off!

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If it wasn't for that stupid boy, Pike, and that old fool, Godfrey, we wouldn't be stuck here!

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-Eh?

-What are you queuing up for?

-We're waiting to make phone calls!

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-What did he say?

-They're queuing for phone calls.

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- What are they waiting for? - Phone calls!

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Taffy, you take my place.

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-Why are you queuing for phone calls?

-Haven't you heard? They're going on ration tomorrow.

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-Hear that? They're going to ration phone calls.

-They're going to ration phone calls!

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-Tomorrow!

-Make as many as you can. After today, you'll only get one a month.

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We'll only be allowed one a month!

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Good job we joined the queue!

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-Quite.

-I'll stand guard outside and you make as many as you like. A tanner a time.

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-That's ever so kind of you.

-I'll take the bookings now.

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-Here's half a crown. I'll have five.

-I'll have ten.

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I'll have twenty. I'm not surprised!

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-I'll have some more.

-I'll have another three.

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PLANES FLYING OVERHEAD

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What's the matter? It's your turn on watch.

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There'll be a heavy raid on London tonight. Listen to all those planes.

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Let's hope a few less of them come back!

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CRASH !

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Joe! Look! There's one come down in the reservoir!

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One of us has to phone the Captain and the other must keep up a constant, withering fire.

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Take my five rounds. Have you got change for the phone? Never mind. I'll reverse the charges!

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-'Evening, sir.

-Well done, Fraser. What's happened?

-Nothing, sir. I'm keeping it under observation.

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-It's a Dornier.

-You sure?

-You can tell by the outline.

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-Right, Wilson. We all know you came top in aircraft recognition.

-I was top! He was second.

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-All right. Where's Walker?

-He went to phone you.

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-That was half an hour ago.

-I expect he's run off.

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That's cowardice. You'll have to tie him to the wheel of a gun carriage!

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We don't have a gun carriage!

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-We'll have to improvise!

-Quiet! Why hasn't the plane sunk?

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The reservoir is half-empty. The plane is sitting on the bottom.

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-When the reservoir is full, it's 16 feet.

-Wilson...

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I'm not interested in details of the waterworks.

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-Excuse me, sir.

-Yes?

-Do you think I might...?

-Oh, yes, go on.

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No sign of anybody in the plane. Perhaps they parachuted out.

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Permission to speak, sir. Why don't you call them to surrender?

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If they do not answer, you will be cognisant of the fact that they are not there.

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-What's the German for surrender?

-I don't know, sir. If they want your hands up, they shout, "Handy hock!"

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Yes. You've told us that before. It's worth a go, I suppose.

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-Handy hock! Handy hock!

-HIS VOICE ECHOES

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-It's too dark. They wouldn't see us. Anybody wearing a white shirt?

-Pike.

-Take that scarf off.

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-I'll catch me death!

-Don't argue.

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-My mum'll be furious! And she's not forgiven you, Uncle Arthur.

-All right, Frank.

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I want you to wave this, Corporal, and we'll all shout in unison. Right, come on.

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ALL: Handy hock! GUNFIRE

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-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes.

-There IS someone on the plane.

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-Let me have a pot at them, sir!

-No!

-Please, sir!

-No! Take them alive.

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Bloody cheek!

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-I've never heard you swear before.

-I've never felt like this before. Damn foreigners!

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They come over here and then have the cheek to fire at us!

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-Time they were taught a lesson.

-Yes.

-They're up against us this time. People with guts.

-Yes, sir.

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-Jones.

-Yes, sir?

-Go and phone GHQ for help at once.

-Right, sir.

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-Wait, you don't know the number.

-It's Warmington-on-Sea 333.

-Don't be silly! That's the Church Hall !

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-Here you are - 166.

-Right, sir.

-Commit that to memory and after you've used the phone, destroy it.

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-Memorise and destroy the phone.

-The paper! Destroy the paper!

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-Spread out, men.

-Right, sir.

-Right.

-Keep well down.

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Warmington-on-Sea 991.

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He was a Free French pilot? What did you say?

0:23:250:23:31

I said, "Free French maybe, but it's still one and nine to see the film!"

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-Doreen, cash up now. Don't forget to put down all the servicemen who got in half-price.

-Yes.

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How many have we got tonight?

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2 sailors and 12 soldiers, plus that nice Major that comes in. PHONE RINGS

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Oh, yes. Major Brookes.

0:23:550:23:59

Major Brookes? Can you help me?

0:23:590:24:02

-Certainly, sir. Tonight "One Of Our Aircraft Is Missing".

-I thought it was one of theirs?

0:24:020:24:09

-It went out five minutes ago.

-Well, it's come down now.

0:24:090:24:14

It doesn't come down till 10.30. You can just catch it. Eric Portman and Googie Withers are in it.

0:24:140:24:23

Are they? Why are they shooting at us?

0:24:230:24:28

-They're not still shooting it. It's finished.

-It isn't. Listen.

0:24:280:24:34

-MORE GUNFIRE

-It's one of them!

-How about that?

0:24:340:24:38

You put that phone down or I'll send a policeman round!

0:24:380:24:43

Some people!

0:24:430:24:46

Major Brookes? Don't go!

0:24:460:24:49

Drat! I've run out of pennies!

0:24:490:24:52

"In case of emergency, lift receiver and press button."

0:24:520:24:58

BUZZER SOUNDS

0:24:580:25:02

Emergency. What service would you like? Fire, police or ambulance?

0:25:060:25:14

An enemy plane has gone down in the reservoir! I want General HQ Headquarters!

0:25:140:25:21

I'm sorry. I can only get you fire, police or ambulance.

0:25:210:25:26

-Is the plane on fire?

-No.

-You won't want the fire service.

0:25:260:25:31

-What about ambulance? Anybody hurt?

-No, nobody hurt. No.

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GUNFIRE Well, they might be now.

0:25:360:25:41

I don't think they'll send an ambulance just on the off-chance.

0:25:410:25:46

-Is it causing an obstruction?

-No.

-Well, what's it doing, then?

-It's shooting at us!

0:25:460:25:53

Oh, I'm ever so sorry.

0:25:530:25:56

I wish I could help you, but I only deal with emergencies. Ta-ta.

0:25:560:26:02

No, no, come back. Put that light out! >

0:26:020:26:09

Who's that? Oh, it's you!

0:26:090:26:12

There's planes overhead! They're down here, too!

0:26:120:26:17

What? One crashed in the reservoir! Do something about it!

0:26:170:26:24

Why are you hiding here? Hiding!? I'm trying to get GHQ Area Command!

0:26:240:26:31

Shove over! I'll get it. I'll think of something.

0:26:310:26:37

-Where are they?

-They must have been held up.

-I don't know how we'll get them to surrender.

0:26:410:26:48

-I'm from GHQ. Lieutenant Hope Bruce, Coldstream Guards.

-Captain Mainwaring, Home Guard.

0:26:480:26:55

-Sgt Wilson.

-How do you do?

0:26:550:26:58

-Are they still shooting?

-Yes. They've been at it for an hour.

0:26:580:27:03

Are we in position? Yes, they're surrounded.

0:27:030:27:08

-Get your men back, Mainwaring. This is a job for the Regular Army.

-We managed pretty well up to now.

0:27:080:27:17

They haven't surrendered yet!

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-Why haven't they sunk?

-The reservoir is half-empty. They're just sitting on the bottom.

0:27:210:27:28

I can see that, Sergeant! I'm not a complete fool !

0:27:280:27:33

We'll just have to lob a few mortar bombs on board. Right, sir.

0:27:330:27:40

-You can't do that!

-What?

-You'll crack the bottom of the reservoir!

-I don't want your opinion.

0:27:400:27:48

Sergeant! Cancel the mortar bombs.

0:27:480:27:51

-Hello, Taffy!

-Where were you?

0:27:510:27:55

-Seeing the bloke in charge of the reservoir. It cost me five bob, but he's done it.

-Done what?

0:27:550:28:03

Opened the sluices. In two hours' time they'll have to swim for it!

0:28:030:28:08

-Or sit on the aerial !

-Well done!

0:28:080:28:13

Mainwaring, we're going to sit here and starve them out.

0:28:130:28:18

-Hardly necessary. I expect them to surrender in two hours' time.

-Why?

0:28:180:28:24

The fact is, they do not like it up them. They can't stand it, you see.

0:28:240:28:31

I think we can leave the mopping up to the Coldstream Guards!

0:28:310:28:36

Subtitles by BBC - 1992

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