Battle School Dad's Army


Battle School

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# Who do you think you're kidding, Mr Hitler?

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# If you think we're on the run

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again.

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# 'Cos who do you think you're kidding, Mr Hitler?

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# If you think old England's done.

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

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# If you think old England's do-one! #

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SCREECH OF BRAKES Blimey, not again!

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-What time are we due at the camp?

-1600 hours, sir.

-What?

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-Four o'clock.

-Oh, yes, four o'clock.

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Four hours to do an hour's journey! I'm starving, as well.

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-I hope we get there soon.

-Why?

-'Cos it's awfully awkward, this not being a corridor train...

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-It's very, very difficult indeed.

-You'll have to control yourself. There's a war on. Active service.

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-I've got an idea, Mr Godfrey. Why don't you recite a poem to take your mind off it?

-All right.

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"The owl and the pussycat went to sea In a beautiful...

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-"..pea-green boat. They took some...

-Honey and plenty of money.

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"Wrapped up in a five-pound note..."

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-SCREECHING "The owl looked up to..."

-Oh, get up!

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Now that we've stopped, perhaps Godfrey could nip outside.

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Good idea. Nip outside, Godfrey.

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-It's an awful long way down.

-Oh, get on with it!

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Come on, Mr Godfrey.

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Could anyone please shut the door?

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It's all right, Godfrey. Now make haste.

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Yes... Spring would appear to be a little late this year.

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-What?!

-I'm just trying to be a little bit nonchalant, sir.

-Why?

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-I don't want to put Godfrey off.

-Rubbish! We're on active service. Godfrey can rough it.

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-WHISTLE

-Get him in!

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Come on! Come on!

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-That's it.

-Well done, Godfrey.

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-Sit down...

-You're all right. Careful, you're kicking me.

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-You all right, Mr Godfrey?

-No, I'm afraid not.

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"The owl and the pussycat went to sea...

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"in a beautiful pea-green boat. They took some money..."

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-Corporal!

-Yes, sir?

-Fall the men in.

-Right, sir. Right, get ready, you blokes.

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-This place looks deserted.

-This is where the guard told us to get off.

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-How do we know he was the guard?

-He was wearing railway uniform.

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That could be a trap. We must always be on our guard.

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-Yes, but he got back on the train, sir.

-Are you trying to be funny?

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No, sir. Obviously, you're on edge. You haven't had any lunch, sir.

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Let's see... "Sealed instructions for opening the sealed orders."

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"Break seal on the sealed orders and destroy these instructions."

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-Well, shan't be long now...

-Have you got a map, sir?

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Thank you.

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Ah, yes, just as I thought. Perfectly straightforward.

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-We're here... at X railway halt.

-Mm.

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Map reference...

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-There's that hill.

-Oh, yes.

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And here's the battleschool map reference...

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-It's only a mile away. We'll be there by tea-time.

-Thank goodness.

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-Platoon ready to march off, sir.

-Thank you, Corporal.

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-Where's Godfrey?

-He's...he won't be a minute, sir.

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He'll just have to catch us up.

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Pay attention, men. As I know the way, I shall be well in front.

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Sergeant Wilson, you bring up the the rear. Attention!

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Slope...arms!

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Right turn!

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By the left, quick march!

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Right wheel, forward!

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WHISTLE POPULAR WAR SONG

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Mark time.

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Right wheel, forward!

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Mark time.

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Left wheel, forward!

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Mark time.

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Left wheel, forward!

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Halt!

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-I thought you said we'd be there by tea-time.

-There's no need for sarcasm. I took the wrong turning.

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Atten-shun! About turn!

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Quick...march!

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Left, left...

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Right wheel, forward!

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Aaaaahhh! Put me down!

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SHOTS Blimey, it's the enemy!

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Don't panic, don't panic. Where are they? I'll get 'em.

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Where are they? Don't panic!

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-Where is he? Where's Captain Mainwaring?

-Look!

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Aye, here's another one, boys. It's empty.

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Cor blimey! What a dump!

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Did he say this place was ????? It looks like a prison camp.

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Do the Red Cross send parcels? Look at the time! 11 o'clock!

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Four hours from the station and it's only a mile away!

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-I don't think Captain Mainwaring knew the way.

-No. Losing his way, then leading us into an ambush.

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Yon fellow shouldn't be in charge of men!

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He's no' fit! >

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-Well, men, we got here.

-Aye, we did.

-Better late than never, eh?

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Do you think this course includes map-reading this weekend?

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-Walker!

-Good evening, Captain.

-'Evening, sir.

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You're too late for a meal. Supper finished 4 hours ago.

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-Fall the men in, Sergeant.

-Fall in, men, quick as you can.

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It's all right, relax. We don't go in for formality here.

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As you chaps know, this is a special Home Guard battleschool.

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This is where we introduce you to guerilla warfare.

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The man who's going to be in charge of you is...Captain Rodrigues there.

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He's an expert in guerilla warfare. He fought in Spain in the Civil War, you know.

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It's a dirty business. Has he washed since (?)

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My job is to keep a parental eye, see you don't get knocked about too much.

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Thank you very much, sir.

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-Some of us aren't young.

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Yes?

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Don't worry about us senior soldiers. We can take it, sir.

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We're good with the cold steel, sir. They don't like it up 'em.

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-They do not like...

-All right, Jones.

-Yes...that's the spirit.

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I'll leave you in the capable hands of Captain Rodrigues. Carry on...

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-Platoon, attention!

-What?

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Oh... Oh, jolly good.

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-Platoon, at ease...

-You can cut all that business out.

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We do not do any of that arm-waving round here. All we do is teach you how to kill Nazis.

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-That is all I'm interested in. Is that clear?

-Perfectly clear. Is that clear to you, Sergeant?

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-Yes, crystal clear.

-Good. Are there any questions?

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-I don't think so. Wilson?

-What about food?

-Ah, yes. When do we get a meal?

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The canteen is closed 4 hours ago. MUTTERING But I always think of my men.

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-Here, some carrots and onions.

-Carrots and onions?!

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-You live off the land.

-Onions?

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-What is wrong with onions?

-I

-always eat them.

-I'd never have guessed.

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Eat them while you can. They're getting scarce.

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-You, old man.

-Yes, sir?

-See that pile of straw?

-Yes, sir.

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-With it you stuff you palliasse.

-I beg your pardon?

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Put it in your palliasse.

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He's a bit continental, isn't he?

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Right, you have a palliasse to lie on, a blanket to cover you, some carrots and onions to eat...

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-What more could you want?

-Absolutely nothing (!)

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You better get some sleep. Here, we start early in the morning.

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I've never seen anything like it! He is a Captain in the British army!

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-He's more like an anarchist.

-Thank God, he's on our side.

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Now, men, we've got a strenuous weekend. When I give the command, fall out and fill them with straw.

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-All right?

-Aye, aye.

-Here... All right, fall out!

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Here, here! What a shambles. Straw to lie on and one blanket. We'll freeze to death!

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I was so looking forward to this, and it turns out rotten!

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-All right, Frank, all right. There's no need to blub.

-I'm not. This straw's brought on my hay fever.

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Eating raw carrots and onions will give me indigestion.

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Don't worry, Mr Godfrey, I've got the old bicarb. We'll be all right.

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-I'll dish out these carrots and onions.

-Thank you very much.

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I know that we've only got one blanket each so, as usual, we shall have to improvise.

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I know how we can all keep warm. Why don't we all huddle together?

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When the nights were cold out in the Sudan, we did a lot of huddling together.

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I'm not too sure about that, Jones. Might be bad for discipline.

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-Still, we could stretch a point.

-I'm particular who I huddle up with.

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I'm sure we all are. We'll feel better after we've slept.

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-Here, sir, here's your palliasse.

-Thank you very much.

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Here we are...

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Thank you very much, Godfrey.

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-Uncle Arthur?

-Yes?

-I've finished my carrot and I'm still hungry.

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You can have the rest of this. I've grown rather tired of it.

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-Uncle Arthur...

-Oh, what is it, Frank?

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-I'm ever so cold.

-What?

-Can I cuddle up to you?

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-Frankly, I'd rather you didn't.

-I shall tell Mum.

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Oh, all right then. ..Not too close, though.

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-Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes, what is it...?

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Yes, what is it? Oh, it's you, Jones. What is it?

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-Permission to whisper, sir?

-Yes, what is it?

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-I just wanted you to know I'm sorry everything went higgledy-piggledy for you today.

-Thank you, Jones.

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Not your fault, sir. Fortunes of war. You've always been a good officer to us.

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-You've led us through thick and you've led us through thin, sir.

-It's a lonely task being in command.

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You have to learn to take the rough with the smooth.

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-I want you to know I still got faith in you.

-Thank you, Corporal.

-Even if no-one else has.

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-Goodnight, sir.

-Crawler! >

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EXPLOSION What's happening?! Where's my teeth?

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Don't panic. Don't panic, anyone. Don't panic.

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Oh, good morning, Captain. My, you gave us all a start... Bit early for that sort of thing.

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It is not early. It is 10 to 9 ! The camp has been up for 2 hours!

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-Gracious! We must have overslept.

-You certainly did.

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-I want you ready for training in ten minutes.

-What about breakfast?

-It's finished. UPROAR

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During the time you are here every platoon is given the chance to capture my headquarters.

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-No-one has been successful.

-We'll do it, won't we, Mr Mainwaring?

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This used to be a POW camp. My headquarters is surrounded by two fences - one electrified.

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And it's patrolled by dogs. What sort?

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Alsatians. And they do not get much to eat.

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Don't worry, you've got the bicarb. That's good for hydrophobia, too.

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-Fall in, men.

-Jonesy...

-Yes?

-I'm starving.

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-What can we do?

-I'm gonna pop off and find some grub.

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-There's no shops here.

-There's a farm next door. They must have food in there. Leave it to me.

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Pull your men forward, Capitan!

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All right, men, forward!

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Do not forget to keep your heads down. We are using live ammunition.

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Wave the flag when you are ready. >

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-Do you hear that, sir? Live ammunition.

-Don't worry, Wilson.

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-I assure you they wouldn't dare. Wave the flag.

-Right, sir.

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HAIL OF BULLETS

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Blimey, it ain't half dark in here.

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'Ere, you little blighter, come here. Cor blimey! Come here.

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Hurry up! Get your men across the river, Captain. Hurry!

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-It looks a bit deep to me, sir.

-No, it's fine. We can cross here.

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-Do you think that's wise, sir?

-I can see the bottom. Forward!

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Aaahhhh!

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Are you all right, Mr Mainwaring?

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GRUNTING

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Wanna buy a bacon slicer?

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Follow me, men!

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I was just taking it across the road.

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Come on, men, follow me.

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Come on, Joe. Where d'you think you've been?

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-'Ere, cop hold of these.

-Eggs! Where d'you get them?

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Meat, stew, potatoes, carrots, pudding, jam.

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All right, make it quick. You've only got 15 minutes.

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We haven't got all night. Hurry!

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I've told you before - hygiene!

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Hurry! Move! Move!

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I want soldiers, not boy scouts... Move! Move! Move!

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Follow me, men... Aaargh!

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-Where's Mr Mainwaring got to, sir?

-No idea. One minute he was there, then he disappeared into thin air.

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-Right, on your feet, we've got work to do.

-Where have you been?

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-What are we going to do?

-Capture the camp headquarters.

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It's surrounded by barbed wire!

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-And an electrified fence!

-And dogs! We can't do it!

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Leave it to me. After all, I've never let you down yet, have I?

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-Come on, Corporal.

-Yes, sir.

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(That's the game. Quickly!)

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'Ere, look at this - corned beef, spam, sugar, tea. It's a treasure house.

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It's the stores. Don't make a noise now.

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What a bunch that platoon from Walmington-On-Sea are! >

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I only hope they don't have to face the Germans! >

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That Captain Mainwaring should go back to managing a bank. >

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Impudence! All right, stand by...

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-Excuse me, sir, should I stay here and protect the rear?

-Good idea.

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-Right, ready?

-Do you think it's wise, sir?

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Oh, really, Wilson! Right, NOW.

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-Right, hands UP !

-Hands up now!

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# We'll meet again, Don't know where, don't know when

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# But I know we'll meet again some su-u-unny day!

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# Some su-u-unny day! #

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-An excellent weekend, don't you think, Wilson?

-I do, indeed, sir.

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-I'll never forget the look on that Spanish chap's face.

-Amateur soldiers, huh?

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I want to congratulate you, Captain Mainwaring. I never doubted you for a single minute.

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I've said it once and I say it again. You're our inspiration, sir!

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Do you think that Major Smith is going to recommend us to GHQ for being...being so good?

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Yes, although personally I would rather see a more tangible reward.

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-What's "tangible" mean, Jonesy?

-You can get hold of it.

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Right, get hold of this...

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-Where d'you get all that stuff from?

-I was protecting the rear, wasn't I?

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Hang on, hang on... Two bob a time, eh?

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Subtitles by Eithne Thomson BBC Scotland, 1992

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