The Armoured Might of Lance Corporal Jones Dad's Army


The Armoured Might of Lance Corporal Jones

Classic sitcom about the Home Guard unit of Walmington-on-Sea. The men add an armoured car to their fighting strength.


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Transcript


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

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# But he comes home each evening, and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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-MUFFLED:

-The gases you will have to contend with

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are chlorine and phosgene.

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That concludes my lecture on the various gases...

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..the enemy is liable to use. Anything worrying anybody?

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Permission to speak, sir.

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What does he say, Sergeant?

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-I couldn't catch it.

-What?

-I said I couldn't catch it.

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I want to know what HE said. Ask him.

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The captain would like to know what you said.

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What's that?

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The captain wants to know what you said.

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I said, "Permission to speak, sir."

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-He wants permission to speak, sir.

-Ask him what he wants to say!

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What do you want to say?

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-Eh?

-What do you want to say?

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-I never 'eard a word he said!

-I see.

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Apparently, sir, he never heard a word you said.

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I can't hear a word, Wilson. Take that off.

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He couldn't hear a word you said, sir.

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-He never heard my lecture?

-No, sir.

-Did none of you hear?

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Can you hear me now?

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Take those respirators off. We'll continue this lecture tomorrow.

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I want to introduce you to a new weapon. Anyone know what this is?

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Yes, sir. That's a grocer's cheese cutter.

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Correct. A harmless cheese cutter.

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But it can become a deadly weapon. I'll tell you how I first got the idea.

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-Just stand easy, everybody.

-What? Oh.

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It's improvisation at its very best.

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I went to the grocer's to get the rations for my wife and myself.

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And while the grocer was cutting our meagre ration of cheese,

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I wondered why we got so little.

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And as the wire went through the cheese, and the cheese rolled off the cutting board,

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suddenly, in my mind's eye, it became the head of a stormtrooper.

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I thought, that's it.

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Just the weapon for enemy sentries.

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Creep up behind him, lob it over his head,

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-knee in the small of the back, and pull!

-Are you all right, sir?

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Of course!

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Instant decapitation. Doesn't know what's happened.

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Not till he nods his head!

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-What did you say, Walker?

-I...I said he'd be better off in bed, sir.

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He would indeed.

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You see? Round the neck,

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instant decap...

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Yes, Pike?

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Permission to be sick, sir.

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Permission granted.

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-Frank...

-Sergeant! Where are you going?

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He must toughen up. Just because I mentioned decapitation!

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It's not that, sir. He doesn't like cheese.

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I've had a memo from GHQ to say there is not enough co-operation between the ARP and the Home Guard.

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We must all work for the common cause.

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And a new chief warden is coming to discuss methods of co-operation.

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Who is the new chief warden?

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It's that rather common fellow, sir. Mr Hodges.

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-He's chief warden?!

-Yes.

-He's a greengrocer!

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Yes, I know, sir. I know because of his dirty fingernails.

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-How do you know?

-I see them when he puts his takings through the grille.

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Ever since he's been made chief warden there's been no holding him.

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He's been corrupted with power, sir.

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He's a nasty bit of work, sir.

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Put your foot firmly down on him or he'll take over from you completely.

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Thank you, Corporal!

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Huh! I'd like to see him try, eh?

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Indeed, sir.

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-Who's in charge?!

-You know quite well. Can't you read my insignia?

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-Mr Mainwaring, the bank manager.

-CAPTAIN Mainwaring!

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-This is Sergeant Wilson.

-How do you do?

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As far as I'm concerned, you are the bank manager and he's chief clerk.

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Every time I go in he gives me a dirty look.

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-- Matches your nails! - What did he say?

-Never mind.

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We are supposed to co-operate.

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I want that hall every Wednesday for an ARP meeting.

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-Out of the question.

-What?

-We parade there every Wednesday.

-Bad luck!

-I have an arrangement with the vicar.

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What goes on between you and the vicar is entirely your affair.

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All I know is, I want that hall every Wednesday evening. Got it?

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You're absolutely right. His fingernails are filthy.

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He does it beautifully, doesn't he?

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There's no doubt about it, he's an artist.

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How can he make a little look so much?

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He's a wonderful man, for his age.

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Here we are, ladies. Now, then,

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who's first? Good morning, Mrs Peters.

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Good morning, Mr Jones. What can I have?

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You hain't got much in these, have you?

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-Are you looking properly?

-I can see you've only got a shilling's-worth on each.

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-Is that all I've got?

-You shouldn't have had that joint.

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It's not my fault. My 'usband will insist on 'is bit of brisket.

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Yes!

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I can let you have three little lamb chops.

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There you are.

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That's 1/8d. You can have the rest in corned beef.

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That comes to two bob exactly. There you are. How's that?

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-(Got any sausages?)

-Hold on.

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There you are.

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He's got some sausages! He's got sausages! Sausages!

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Yes, all right, ladies. All right.

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Only one sausage with each book.

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Take 2/4, please, Miss Mortimer. Good morning, Mrs Fox.

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'Ello, Mr Jones.

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I've got everything today.

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Yes, you have, haven't you?

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-You didn't have any meat over the weekend!

-No.

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You see, my hubby and I went away.

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You've got your full ration. 2/2d on each book. Now, what will it be?

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Well, I would like a bit of steak.

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Oh, ho ho! A bit of steak, eh?

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A nice bit of Veronica Lake. There we are.

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HE HUMS

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That's 3/4d. You can have the rest in corned beef.

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-Oh!

-There you are. That's 4/4d.

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-Do you want sausages?

-Both of them, please!

-Right.

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-There we are.

-Um... Mr Jones?

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Have you got any kidney?

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-No, I'm afraid not, Mrs Fox.

-You must have a little bit tucked away.

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-No, not a bit, Mrs Fox. No.

-Oh, well.

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-I'll have to make do with what I've got.

-You will.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.

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Oh, by the way...

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-I bought that for you.

-What's this?

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-(Your favourite tobacco.)

-Thank you, madam.

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And I'll be in later in the week.

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Yes, um...

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Raymond, hurry up with the brawn, will you, please?

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Ah, hello. Take 2/4d, please.

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Take 4/8d. There's more. That's right. Take 4/8d.

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Morning, Miss Meadows.

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Good morning, Mr Jones.

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-What's this?

-Just a cake I made for you.

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Naughty! You're using up all your points.

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You can have any points you want from me.

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Eh?

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I mean, you deserve looking after.

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You do your bit. You take care of us.

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You care for our insides as a butcher, and our outsides as a Home Guard.

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Yes, quite.

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Hurry up with the brawn, Raymond!

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-What is it to be?

-I'll take it all in corned beef.

-All in corned beef.

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HE HUMS

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-Like a sausage?

-Oh, yes, I'll have my sausage.

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I wish all my ladies were as easy as you.

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Well, I do try to please, Mr Jones. Thank you.

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-Take 2/4d, Miss Mortimer.

-Now...

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Here's your brawn, Mr Jones. Hang on.

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LOUD CLAMOUR

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Oooh, look at that! I'll have a bit of brawn!

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-Only two ounces on each book.

-Not much meat in it.

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-Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

-What?!

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-If it's horse I don't want it!

-It's not horse, it's pork!

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-You said it was horse.

-I said, "Don't look a gift horse..." Never mind.

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Excuse me! Won't be long.

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Calm down! You know me. I'm 'ere on business.

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We all know what your business is!

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-CACKLING Is that nice?!

-Joe, what is it?

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-A word, Jonesy. It's urgent and private.

-We'll go in the cold room.

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-Take over, Raymond.

-Right, Mr Jones. Who's first, then?

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ALL TALK AT ONCE >

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I've got a lot to do down the high street, Raymond. Do 'urry up! >

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-Why'd you bring me in 'ere? It's freezing!

-We won't be overheard.

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-You know that delivery van of yours? You still got it?

-It's in the yard.

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-Don't it go?

-Of course, but I can't get petrol.

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Listen, I've got an idea.

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Why don't you loan it to Captain Mainwaring as platoon transport?

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Why?

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Well, you see, sometimes, at night, I 'ave to transport certain things.

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If I'm driving an ordinary van, I may get stopped. On the other 'and,

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if I'm driving official transport I won't get stopped. Got it?

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-I've got it. What do

-I

-get out of it?

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I thought you might... 'Ere, do you 'ave to 'ave this place so cold?

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It's according to regulations.

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If you let 'em have your van, they'll have to g-g-give you petrol coupons.

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I thought you could get p-p-petrol.

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I c-c-can get p-p-petrol, all right,

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but I can't get c-c-coupons.

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You can't get 'em. They're worth t-t-ten bob apiece.

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Anything I make I'll split 50/50 with you, a-a-all right?

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Sounds a bit...dodgy to me, Joe.

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D-d-don't worry, Jonesy. Leave it to your old p-p-pal Joe.

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Oh, all right.

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That's my Jonesy.

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Sorry, mate.

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Absolutely first class.

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Splendid vehicle. You must be proud, Corporal.

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-Yes, sir.

-Due to your unselfishness we now have troop transport.

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Listen, men. Corporal Jones and Private Walker have worked non-stop to prepare this vehicle.

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Corporal Jones will explain the results of their work.

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-I'm the official driver. Is that all right, sir?

-Of course.

-Thank you.

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-Is that wise, sir?

-It's his own van!

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I know, sir, but I'm not too keen on the idea.

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You're never too keen on anything, Sergeant. Carry on, Corporal.

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All round the back. Step this way, and I'll show you a few details.

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Right.

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Keep well back, so the officers can see.

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It's an all-purpose vehicle. First, it's an armoured car.

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The sandbags make it bullet-proof.

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It is also an ambulance. Kindly note the racks for the stretchers.

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It is a troop transport. You sit on the floor.

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It's gonna be cold on those marble slabs.

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The clinic said I shouldn't sit on anything cold.

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-Mum won't like me sitting on marble.

-All right!

-Frank!

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What is the purpose of these slabs?

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I've got these marbles on the floor in case we run into a landmine.

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Protection from blast-up.

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-They have to go back in the shop in the morning.

-Oh.

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Then we might as well dispense with them until we have an invasion, eh?

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-Sir.

-Now...

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We have to work out a drill so the platoon can embark and disembark.

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-I've seen to that, sir.

-What?

-Shall I show it to you?

-I can't wait, Wilson!

-Fall into one line, please.

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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All right!

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All right.

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-All right, embark!

-WHISTLE

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Left turn. One, two, three. Left, right, left, right,

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left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.

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Sir, imagine that this van is moving down the road.

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If the van's moving, I should be driving.

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-Of course. Off you go.

-I will be driving, sir.

-Right.

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-Should we imagine the door is shut too?

-Yes, Godfrey.

-Right, Jonesy.

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Right, sir. Rrrrm, Rrrrm. Rrrrm-a-rmmm. Rrrrm-a-rrrm.

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Rrrrm-a-rrrm. Rrrrm-a-rrrm.

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-Engine's going, sir. Rrrrm.

-Awfully glad. Off you go.

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-Rrrrm-a-rrrm.

-Now, sir.

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Now, sir, as the men are inside, the vehicle is moving.

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Ready when you want to go, sir.

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-All right.

-Yes.

-The vehicle is moving down the road.

-So I gathered.

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Enemy on the left. Range - 100 yards. Five rounds rapid fire.

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WHISTLE Open, two, three. Out, two, three. Bang, two, three.

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Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three.

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In, two, three. Shut, two, three.

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Good, isn't it? Enemy on the right. Range - 150 yards. Five rounds rapid fire.

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Open, two, three. Out, two, three.

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Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three.

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Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. In, two, three. Shut.

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Enemy bomber overhead. Five rounds rapid fire.

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Out, two, three. Up, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three.

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Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Down.

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Disembark!

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Left, right, left, right, left, right. Left, right.

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Left, right, left, right, left, right.

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-One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One.

-There, sir.

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-Now, what did you think of that?

-You never cease to amaze me, Wilson.

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You see, sir, I really am rather keen. But I have this difficulty in showing it.

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Yes, I understand, Wilson.

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-Rrrrm! Rrrrm!

-What's that?

-I think it's Jones, sir.

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-He gets rather excited.

-Rrrm, rrrrm!

-HORN HONKS

-Rrrrm, rrrrm!

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-All right, Jones. You can stop now.

-Rrrrm, rrrrm!

-Jones!

-Sir?

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-You can stop now!

-Oh, yes.

-We're here.

-Right, sir.

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-I've never 'eard such a row! I'm giving a lecture!

-Nobody's stopping you.

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How can I with you going "Bang, bang"? Playing cowboys and Indians?

0:17:050:17:11

We're testing our ambulance troop carrier.

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-This is an ambulance?!

-Of course it is!

-Looks like a butcher's van. Where's the 'orse?

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I assure you it works extremely well.

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-You're in luck.

-Why?

-Next Saturday we're 'aving an air-raid practice.

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We need all the transport we can get.

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Report with your ambulance and six men at two o'clock to Percy Street.

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-I presume you mean at 14:00 hours?

-..Yes, 14:00 hours.

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-Well done, sir. You got it right.

-We'll soon show him how efficient we are.

0:17:420:17:48

Sir, about the petrol coupons. It's gonna use up a fair bit of juice.

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We're going to convert it to gas.

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-Gas?!

-Gas?!

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I telephoned GHQ and explained about it.

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We take it to the RASC transport pool and they'll convert it to gas.

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So you can take it right away.

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And have it back here in time for the air-raid practice on Saturday.

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-Carry on.

-# It's a hap-hap-happy day

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# Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle, oodle-ay. #

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BANG!

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"I've got a good idea," he says!

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"Lend the van to the platoon, and we'll get some free petrol coupons."

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I'm not a clairvoyant, am I?!

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Look what they done to my van. And what's this flipping great thing?

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It's the gas down to the engine.

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Wherever I look there's a great, sagging bag.

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-Can't you take your mind off women for a moment, mate?

-Oh, shut up!

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What's this?

0:18:540:18:56

-Why's your bayonet here?

-You never know when we might need it, Joe.

-You never know when we might need it!

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You're bayonet barmy, mate. You won't meet any fuzzy-wuzzies 'ere!

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-GAS HISSES

-Heh heh heh!

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He he he!

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-Heh heh!

-What's up with you?

0:19:160:19:19

Heh heh heh! I don't know. I feel sorta light-headed.

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That's nothing new, is it?

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What...what are you laughing at?

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-#

-I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls

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# With a little hot oil and a feather

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# And when I awoke I found it no joke

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-# It was tanning my... #

-Get out of it!

0:19:480:19:52

HYSTERICAL GIGGLES

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# Heil, Hitler, rah-rah-rah!

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# Oh, what a funny little man you are. With your little moustache and your hair all blah

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# Heil, Hitler, rah-rah-rah! #

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'Ere, you got a light, Jonesy?

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Here you are, Joe.

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-#

-Sometimes I feel like...

-# Thanks, mate.

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-#

-A long way from home.

-#

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-It ain't half hot in here!

-I hadn't noticed.

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Blimey! The van's on fire! Stop!

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There's a big 'ole! It's escaping!

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-Do something!

-What?!

-Do what that little Belgian boy did in Brussels!

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I can't do that in 'ere!

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Not that! Put your finger in the 'ole!

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-Oh!

-Go on!

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That's a Dutch boy, you silly old duffer!

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INAUDIBLE

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-There you are! Where have you been?

-We had a spot of trouble. Where is everybody?

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Captain Mainwaring's gone to Percy Street with the rest of the party.

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He said follow on as soon as possible.

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How long must I stick my finger in this 'ole?

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-Till the exercise is over.

-That gas bag looks empty.

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Blimey, we aren't 'alf losing gas!

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Don't take your finger out! Remember the Belgian boy.

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Dutch boy, you silly old mole!

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No call for you to be nasty. We're running out of gas.

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Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

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Why don't we take some gas from the vicar's gas fire?

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-How are you gonna do that?

-You'll see.

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Captain Mainwaring will do his nut if we're late! It's all your fault!

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My fault?! I like that! It was your flipping bayonet!

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-Here we are, Jonesy!

-Oh, right.

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-Connect that up.

-Right.

-I'll turn on the fire.

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-Got it? >

-Yeah.

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-Good old Jock! What would the English do without the brains of the Scots? Go on, turn it on!

-Right!

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Dare I ask what you're doing?

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-Me? I'm, er, looking out of the window, sir.

-Well,

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why is a hose attached to my fire?

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Ah, well, you see, it's like this.

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-You see yon big gas bag?

-Yes.

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We didnae know what to do with it, so we thought we'd fill your fire.

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Ah, most charitable, my friend! Most charitable.

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Twerp!

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Stand well back. There's nothing to see.

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-Where's Jones?!

-Perhaps he ran out of petrol.

-It runs on gas.

-Oh, yes.

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-When will they get 'ere?

-Any moment.

-I don't think much of your efficiency!

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Come on, stand back! I told you!

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Arthur!

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You forgot to give me the housekeeping.

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-Mavis, please, not now. We're busy.

-I've got to do the shopping!

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-Lie on the pavement beside that old man.

-Certainly not!

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-You're a casualty, aren't you?

-No!

-Get out of the way with the others!

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-This lady isn't going anywhere. Do you understand?

-Well done, Wilson.

-Thank you, sir.

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Mavis, so you think £2 is enough?

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Yes, of course.

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-You know, he's a wonderful man, Mr Mainwaring.

-All right, Mavis.

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-Utter chaos!

-Here they come now.

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It's about time too! Whoa!

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-Get him in. I'll see how they're getting on in the next street.

-Good.

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I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I'm sorry, sir.

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-We had a spot of trouble.

-Nothing to the trouble we've had here! Godfrey, Pike, get him on the stretcher.

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Take him round to the back of the van.

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Right, lift.

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Oh, I beg your pardon!

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-Godfrey, pick it up! He's only an old man.

-Not so old as I am, sir.

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-Frazer, take over.

-Out of the way, Grandpa!

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-Round the back of the van.

-Round the back.

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Right, open the doors, Corporal.

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I can't, sir. It's locked.

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-Well, who locked it?

-I did, sir.

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-What on earth for?

-I didn't want my marbles pinched.

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-Unlock it at once.

-I haven't got the key, sir.

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-For heaven's sake! Where is it?

-At the shop.

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-Go and get it at once!

-Yes, sir.

-And Jones?

-Yes, sir?

-Take that bike.

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Sir, we could get him in through the wee door behind the driver's seat.

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Good idea. Give them a hand, Wilson.

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-Up, up, up.

-Steady. Come on.

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-This end round.

-Pike, be careful of that!

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ALL TALK AT ONCE

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Up your end, Mr Frazer. Heave!

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I can't pull him through! Put him through the window.

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INAUDIBLE

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THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

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Ooooh!

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Down a bit!

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Get him up! Get him up!

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Take him off! Take him down!

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ALL SHOUT

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Up you come.

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Bend his legs. Frazer, bend his legs.

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-Did you take my bike?!

-Yes. What of it?

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-You can't take private property!

-I'm a captain in the Home Guard.

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They won't bend that way!

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-What are you doing to that poor man?

-Mind your own business.

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-We need the seat out, sir.

-Good idea.

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Go underneath us, or we can't do it.

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We can't get him in!

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-Sir!

-What is it?

-I've got the key, sir.

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Come on, get him round the back.

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That way. That's it.

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You're raving lunatics! I'm getting the police!

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You can't go in without the stretcher! >

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What is the matter with you?! Come on! Dear, oh, dear. Ready, driver?

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I'll give the signal when we're ready. Two bangs.

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When you're ready give the signal. Two bangs.

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Right, are you ready? Right, that's it!

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Ooooh!

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ENGINE STARTS

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Away you go!

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Come back!

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WHISTLE

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Wait, Jonesy!

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Oy!

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-What's up!

-That wasn't a signal! The door stuck!

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-It sounded like the signal!

-You old fool! This is the signal!

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I'll walk to the flipping 'ospital!

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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