The Armoured Might of Lance Corporal Jones Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening, and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

-MUFFLED:

-The gases you will have to contend with

are chlorine and phosgene.

That concludes my lecture on the various gases...

..the enemy is liable to use. Anything worrying anybody?

Permission to speak, sir.

What does he say, Sergeant?

-I couldn't catch it.

-What?

-I said I couldn't catch it.

I want to know what HE said. Ask him.

The captain would like to know what you said.

What's that?

The captain wants to know what you said.

I said, "Permission to speak, sir."

-He wants permission to speak, sir.

-Ask him what he wants to say!

What do you want to say?

-Eh?

-What do you want to say?

-I never 'eard a word he said!

-I see.

Apparently, sir, he never heard a word you said.

I can't hear a word, Wilson. Take that off.

He couldn't hear a word you said, sir.

-He never heard my lecture?

-No, sir.

-Did none of you hear?

Can you hear me now?

Take those respirators off. We'll continue this lecture tomorrow.

I want to introduce you to a new weapon. Anyone know what this is?

Yes, sir. That's a grocer's cheese cutter.

Correct. A harmless cheese cutter.

But it can become a deadly weapon. I'll tell you how I first got the idea.

-Just stand easy, everybody.

-What? Oh.

It's improvisation at its very best.

I went to the grocer's to get the rations for my wife and myself.

And while the grocer was cutting our meagre ration of cheese,

I wondered why we got so little.

And as the wire went through the cheese, and the cheese rolled off the cutting board,

suddenly, in my mind's eye, it became the head of a stormtrooper.

I thought, that's it.

Just the weapon for enemy sentries.

Creep up behind him, lob it over his head,

-knee in the small of the back, and pull!

-Are you all right, sir?

Of course!

Instant decapitation. Doesn't know what's happened.

Not till he nods his head!

-What did you say, Walker?

-I...I said he'd be better off in bed, sir.

He would indeed.

You see? Round the neck,

instant decap...

Yes, Pike?

Permission to be sick, sir.

Permission granted.

-Frank...

-Sergeant! Where are you going?

He must toughen up. Just because I mentioned decapitation!

It's not that, sir. He doesn't like cheese.

I've had a memo from GHQ to say there is not enough co-operation between the ARP and the Home Guard.

We must all work for the common cause.

And a new chief warden is coming to discuss methods of co-operation.

Who is the new chief warden?

It's that rather common fellow, sir. Mr Hodges.

-He's chief warden?!

-Yes.

-He's a greengrocer!

Yes, I know, sir. I know because of his dirty fingernails.

-How do you know?

-I see them when he puts his takings through the grille.

Ever since he's been made chief warden there's been no holding him.

He's been corrupted with power, sir.

He's a nasty bit of work, sir.

Put your foot firmly down on him or he'll take over from you completely.

Thank you, Corporal!

Huh! I'd like to see him try, eh?

Indeed, sir.

-Who's in charge?!

-You know quite well. Can't you read my insignia?

-Mr Mainwaring, the bank manager.

-CAPTAIN Mainwaring!

-This is Sergeant Wilson.

-How do you do?

As far as I'm concerned, you are the bank manager and he's chief clerk.

Every time I go in he gives me a dirty look.

-- Matches your nails! - What did he say?

-Never mind.

We are supposed to co-operate.

I want that hall every Wednesday for an ARP meeting.

-Out of the question.

-What?

-We parade there every Wednesday.

-Bad luck!

-I have an arrangement with the vicar.

What goes on between you and the vicar is entirely your affair.

All I know is, I want that hall every Wednesday evening. Got it?

You're absolutely right. His fingernails are filthy.

He does it beautifully, doesn't he?

There's no doubt about it, he's an artist.

How can he make a little look so much?

He's a wonderful man, for his age.

Here we are, ladies. Now, then,

who's first? Good morning, Mrs Peters.

Good morning, Mr Jones. What can I have?

You hain't got much in these, have you?

-Are you looking properly?

-I can see you've only got a shilling's-worth on each.

-Is that all I've got?

-You shouldn't have had that joint.

It's not my fault. My 'usband will insist on 'is bit of brisket.

Yes!

I can let you have three little lamb chops.

There you are.

That's 1/8d. You can have the rest in corned beef.

That comes to two bob exactly. There you are. How's that?

-(Got any sausages?)

-Hold on.

There you are.

He's got some sausages! He's got sausages! Sausages!

Yes, all right, ladies. All right.

Only one sausage with each book.

Take 2/4, please, Miss Mortimer. Good morning, Mrs Fox.

'Ello, Mr Jones.

I've got everything today.

Yes, you have, haven't you?

-You didn't have any meat over the weekend!

-No.

You see, my hubby and I went away.

You've got your full ration. 2/2d on each book. Now, what will it be?

Well, I would like a bit of steak.

Oh, ho ho! A bit of steak, eh?

A nice bit of Veronica Lake. There we are.

HE HUMS

That's 3/4d. You can have the rest in corned beef.

-Oh!

-There you are. That's 4/4d.

-Do you want sausages?

-Both of them, please!

-Right.

-There we are.

-Um... Mr Jones?

Have you got any kidney?

-No, I'm afraid not, Mrs Fox.

-You must have a little bit tucked away.

-No, not a bit, Mrs Fox. No.

-Oh, well.

-I'll have to make do with what I've got.

-You will.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.

Oh, by the way...

-I bought that for you.

-What's this?

-(Your favourite tobacco.)

-Thank you, madam.

And I'll be in later in the week.

Yes, um...

Raymond, hurry up with the brawn, will you, please?

Ah, hello. Take 2/4d, please.

Take 4/8d. There's more. That's right. Take 4/8d.

Morning, Miss Meadows.

Good morning, Mr Jones.

-What's this?

-Just a cake I made for you.

Naughty! You're using up all your points.

You can have any points you want from me.

Eh?

I mean, you deserve looking after.

You do your bit. You take care of us.

You care for our insides as a butcher, and our outsides as a Home Guard.

Yes, quite.

Hurry up with the brawn, Raymond!

-What is it to be?

-I'll take it all in corned beef.

-All in corned beef.

HE HUMS

-Like a sausage?

-Oh, yes, I'll have my sausage.

I wish all my ladies were as easy as you.

Well, I do try to please, Mr Jones. Thank you.

-Take 2/4d, Miss Mortimer.

-Now...

Here's your brawn, Mr Jones. Hang on.

LOUD CLAMOUR

Oooh, look at that! I'll have a bit of brawn!

-Only two ounces on each book.

-Not much meat in it.

-Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

-What?!

-If it's horse I don't want it!

-It's not horse, it's pork!

-You said it was horse.

-I said, "Don't look a gift horse..." Never mind.

Excuse me! Won't be long.

Calm down! You know me. I'm 'ere on business.

We all know what your business is!

-CACKLING Is that nice?!

-Joe, what is it?

-A word, Jonesy. It's urgent and private.

-We'll go in the cold room.

-Take over, Raymond.

-Right, Mr Jones. Who's first, then?

ALL TALK AT ONCE >

I've got a lot to do down the high street, Raymond. Do 'urry up! >

-Why'd you bring me in 'ere? It's freezing!

-We won't be overheard.

-You know that delivery van of yours? You still got it?

-It's in the yard.

-Don't it go?

-Of course, but I can't get petrol.

Listen, I've got an idea.

Why don't you loan it to Captain Mainwaring as platoon transport?

Why?

Well, you see, sometimes, at night, I 'ave to transport certain things.

If I'm driving an ordinary van, I may get stopped. On the other 'and,

if I'm driving official transport I won't get stopped. Got it?

-I've got it. What do

-I

-get out of it?

I thought you might... 'Ere, do you 'ave to 'ave this place so cold?

It's according to regulations.

If you let 'em have your van, they'll have to g-g-give you petrol coupons.

I thought you could get p-p-petrol.

I c-c-can get p-p-petrol, all right,

but I can't get c-c-coupons.

You can't get 'em. They're worth t-t-ten bob apiece.

Anything I make I'll split 50/50 with you, a-a-all right?

Sounds a bit...dodgy to me, Joe.

D-d-don't worry, Jonesy. Leave it to your old p-p-pal Joe.

Oh, all right.

That's my Jonesy.

Sorry, mate.

Absolutely first class.

Splendid vehicle. You must be proud, Corporal.

-Yes, sir.

-Due to your unselfishness we now have troop transport.

Listen, men. Corporal Jones and Private Walker have worked non-stop to prepare this vehicle.

Corporal Jones will explain the results of their work.

-I'm the official driver. Is that all right, sir?

-Of course.

-Thank you.

-Is that wise, sir?

-It's his own van!

I know, sir, but I'm not too keen on the idea.

You're never too keen on anything, Sergeant. Carry on, Corporal.

All round the back. Step this way, and I'll show you a few details.

Right.

Keep well back, so the officers can see.

It's an all-purpose vehicle. First, it's an armoured car.

The sandbags make it bullet-proof.

It is also an ambulance. Kindly note the racks for the stretchers.

It is a troop transport. You sit on the floor.

It's gonna be cold on those marble slabs.

The clinic said I shouldn't sit on anything cold.

-Mum won't like me sitting on marble.

-All right!

-Frank!

What is the purpose of these slabs?

I've got these marbles on the floor in case we run into a landmine.

Protection from blast-up.

-They have to go back in the shop in the morning.

-Oh.

Then we might as well dispense with them until we have an invasion, eh?

-Sir.

-Now...

We have to work out a drill so the platoon can embark and disembark.

-I've seen to that, sir.

-What?

-Shall I show it to you?

-I can't wait, Wilson!

-Fall into one line, please.

WHISTLE BLOWS

All right!

All right.

-All right, embark!

-WHISTLE

Left turn. One, two, three. Left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.

Sir, imagine that this van is moving down the road.

If the van's moving, I should be driving.

-Of course. Off you go.

-I will be driving, sir.

-Right.

-Should we imagine the door is shut too?

-Yes, Godfrey.

-Right, Jonesy.

Right, sir. Rrrrm, Rrrrm. Rrrrm-a-rmmm. Rrrrm-a-rrrm.

Rrrrm-a-rrrm. Rrrrm-a-rrrm.

-Engine's going, sir. Rrrrm.

-Awfully glad. Off you go.

-Rrrrm-a-rrrm.

-Now, sir.

Now, sir, as the men are inside, the vehicle is moving.

Ready when you want to go, sir.

-All right.

-Yes.

-The vehicle is moving down the road.

-So I gathered.

Enemy on the left. Range - 100 yards. Five rounds rapid fire.

WHISTLE Open, two, three. Out, two, three. Bang, two, three.

Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three.

In, two, three. Shut, two, three.

Good, isn't it? Enemy on the right. Range - 150 yards. Five rounds rapid fire.

Open, two, three. Out, two, three.

Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three.

Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. In, two, three. Shut.

Enemy bomber overhead. Five rounds rapid fire.

Out, two, three. Up, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three.

Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Bang, two, three. Down.

Disembark!

Left, right, left, right, left, right. Left, right.

Left, right, left, right, left, right.

-One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One.

-There, sir.

-Now, what did you think of that?

-You never cease to amaze me, Wilson.

You see, sir, I really am rather keen. But I have this difficulty in showing it.

Yes, I understand, Wilson.

-Rrrrm! Rrrrm!

-What's that?

-I think it's Jones, sir.

-He gets rather excited.

-Rrrm, rrrrm!

-HORN HONKS

-Rrrrm, rrrrm!

-All right, Jones. You can stop now.

-Rrrrm, rrrrm!

-Jones!

-Sir?

-You can stop now!

-Oh, yes.

-We're here.

-Right, sir.

-I've never 'eard such a row! I'm giving a lecture!

-Nobody's stopping you.

How can I with you going "Bang, bang"? Playing cowboys and Indians?

We're testing our ambulance troop carrier.

-This is an ambulance?!

-Of course it is!

-Looks like a butcher's van. Where's the 'orse?

I assure you it works extremely well.

-You're in luck.

-Why?

-Next Saturday we're 'aving an air-raid practice.

We need all the transport we can get.

Report with your ambulance and six men at two o'clock to Percy Street.

-I presume you mean at 14:00 hours?

-..Yes, 14:00 hours.

-Well done, sir. You got it right.

-We'll soon show him how efficient we are.

Sir, about the petrol coupons. It's gonna use up a fair bit of juice.

We're going to convert it to gas.

-Gas?!

-Gas?!

I telephoned GHQ and explained about it.

We take it to the RASC transport pool and they'll convert it to gas.

So you can take it right away.

And have it back here in time for the air-raid practice on Saturday.

-Carry on.

-# It's a hap-hap-happy day

# Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle, oodle-ay. #

BANG!

"I've got a good idea," he says!

"Lend the van to the platoon, and we'll get some free petrol coupons."

I'm not a clairvoyant, am I?!

Look what they done to my van. And what's this flipping great thing?

It's the gas down to the engine.

Wherever I look there's a great, sagging bag.

-Can't you take your mind off women for a moment, mate?

-Oh, shut up!

What's this?

-Why's your bayonet here?

-You never know when we might need it, Joe.

-You never know when we might need it!

You're bayonet barmy, mate. You won't meet any fuzzy-wuzzies 'ere!

-GAS HISSES

-Heh heh heh!

He he he!

-Heh heh!

-What's up with you?

Heh heh heh! I don't know. I feel sorta light-headed.

That's nothing new, is it?

What...what are you laughing at?

-#

-I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls

# With a little hot oil and a feather

# And when I awoke I found it no joke

-# It was tanning my... #

-Get out of it!

HYSTERICAL GIGGLES

# Heil, Hitler, rah-rah-rah!

# Oh, what a funny little man you are. With your little moustache and your hair all blah

# Heil, Hitler, rah-rah-rah! #

'Ere, you got a light, Jonesy?

Here you are, Joe.

-#

-Sometimes I feel like...

-# Thanks, mate.

-#

-A long way from home.

-#

-It ain't half hot in here!

-I hadn't noticed.

Blimey! The van's on fire! Stop!

There's a big 'ole! It's escaping!

-Do something!

-What?!

-Do what that little Belgian boy did in Brussels!

I can't do that in 'ere!

Not that! Put your finger in the 'ole!

-Oh!

-Go on!

That's a Dutch boy, you silly old duffer!

INAUDIBLE

-There you are! Where have you been?

-We had a spot of trouble. Where is everybody?

Captain Mainwaring's gone to Percy Street with the rest of the party.

He said follow on as soon as possible.

How long must I stick my finger in this 'ole?

-Till the exercise is over.

-That gas bag looks empty.

Blimey, we aren't 'alf losing gas!

Don't take your finger out! Remember the Belgian boy.

Dutch boy, you silly old mole!

No call for you to be nasty. We're running out of gas.

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Why don't we take some gas from the vicar's gas fire?

-How are you gonna do that?

-You'll see.

Captain Mainwaring will do his nut if we're late! It's all your fault!

My fault?! I like that! It was your flipping bayonet!

-Here we are, Jonesy!

-Oh, right.

-Connect that up.

-Right.

-I'll turn on the fire.

-Got it? >

-Yeah.

-Good old Jock! What would the English do without the brains of the Scots? Go on, turn it on!

-Right!

Dare I ask what you're doing?

-Me? I'm, er, looking out of the window, sir.

-Well,

why is a hose attached to my fire?

Ah, well, you see, it's like this.

-You see yon big gas bag?

-Yes.

We didnae know what to do with it, so we thought we'd fill your fire.

Ah, most charitable, my friend! Most charitable.

Twerp!

Stand well back. There's nothing to see.

-Where's Jones?!

-Perhaps he ran out of petrol.

-It runs on gas.

-Oh, yes.

-When will they get 'ere?

-Any moment.

-I don't think much of your efficiency!

Come on, stand back! I told you!

Arthur!

You forgot to give me the housekeeping.

-Mavis, please, not now. We're busy.

-I've got to do the shopping!

-Lie on the pavement beside that old man.

-Certainly not!

-You're a casualty, aren't you?

-No!

-Get out of the way with the others!

-This lady isn't going anywhere. Do you understand?

-Well done, Wilson.

-Thank you, sir.

Mavis, so you think £2 is enough?

Yes, of course.

-You know, he's a wonderful man, Mr Mainwaring.

-All right, Mavis.

-Utter chaos!

-Here they come now.

It's about time too! Whoa!

-Get him in. I'll see how they're getting on in the next street.

-Good.

I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I'm sorry, sir.

-We had a spot of trouble.

-Nothing to the trouble we've had here! Godfrey, Pike, get him on the stretcher.

Take him round to the back of the van.

Right, lift.

Oh, I beg your pardon!

-Godfrey, pick it up! He's only an old man.

-Not so old as I am, sir.

-Frazer, take over.

-Out of the way, Grandpa!

-Round the back of the van.

-Round the back.

Right, open the doors, Corporal.

I can't, sir. It's locked.

-Well, who locked it?

-I did, sir.

-What on earth for?

-I didn't want my marbles pinched.

-Unlock it at once.

-I haven't got the key, sir.

-For heaven's sake! Where is it?

-At the shop.

-Go and get it at once!

-Yes, sir.

-And Jones?

-Yes, sir?

-Take that bike.

Sir, we could get him in through the wee door behind the driver's seat.

Good idea. Give them a hand, Wilson.

-Up, up, up.

-Steady. Come on.

-This end round.

-Pike, be careful of that!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Up your end, Mr Frazer. Heave!

I can't pull him through! Put him through the window.

INAUDIBLE

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Ooooh!

Down a bit!

Get him up! Get him up!

Take him off! Take him down!

ALL SHOUT

Up you come.

Bend his legs. Frazer, bend his legs.

-Did you take my bike?!

-Yes. What of it?

-You can't take private property!

-I'm a captain in the Home Guard.

They won't bend that way!

-What are you doing to that poor man?

-Mind your own business.

-We need the seat out, sir.

-Good idea.

Go underneath us, or we can't do it.

We can't get him in!

-Sir!

-What is it?

-I've got the key, sir.

Come on, get him round the back.

That way. That's it.

You're raving lunatics! I'm getting the police!

You can't go in without the stretcher! >

What is the matter with you?! Come on! Dear, oh, dear. Ready, driver?

I'll give the signal when we're ready. Two bangs.

When you're ready give the signal. Two bangs.

Right, are you ready? Right, that's it!

Ooooh!

ENGINE STARTS

Away you go!

Come back!

WHISTLE

Wait, Jonesy!

Oy!

-What's up!

-That wasn't a signal! The door stuck!

-It sounded like the signal!

-You old fool! This is the signal!

I'll walk to the flipping 'ospital!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd