Man Hunt Dad's Army


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Man Hunt

Wartime sitcom. Captain Mainwaring and the men of the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard enlist the help of a recruit with four feet.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Now pay attention, men.

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This war has now been in progress for eighteen months.

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It's becoming increasingly clear that Jerry is feeling the pinch.

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True, he's thrown us out of Greece and he's thrown us out of Crete.

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He did it by using parachute troops.

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No doubt 1941 will go down in history as the year the parachute revolutionised military strategy.

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Mind you, I saw all this coming a long time ago, but nobody listened to me.

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I can remember as far back as 1936, my wife and I were on holiday at Bognor. Bognor Regis.

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And, er...I went up for a five shilling trip in a biplane,

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Mr Alan Cobham's Flying Circus.

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And, er...we were soaring through the clouds, wind blowing in my face.

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I looked down and suddenly...

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..the idea came to me in a flash parachute troops.

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So I went straight back to the boarding...the hotel where we were staying

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and wrote a long letter to the War Office explaining the whole thing.

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Believe it or not, gentlemen, they didn't even bother to reply.

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Like our great leader, Winston Churchill, I was a voice crying in the wilderness,

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"Wake up, England!"

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Or was that Gillie Potter?

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However, the boot is on the other foot and I am in a position where my ideas are no longer ignored.

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Well, at least in Walmington-on-Sea.

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-I expect you're wondering where all this is leading.

-It'll lead to us not getting a drink.

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-Blether, blether.

-What did you say?

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I was just thinking. Very profound, sir. Very profound thinking indeed.

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Thank you, Frazer. I have received a memo from GHQ and which has been sent to all Home Guard units.

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"To all ranks of the Home Guard.

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"In order to create confusion, the enemy has been dropping empty parachutes in the southern counties.

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-"All parachutes found must be reported to GHQ."

-Permission to speak, sir.

-Yes.

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Supposing one of our lads jumps out of an aeroplane wearing a parachute

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and, having landed on the ground, divests himself of same, walks away

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and then we're marching along a bit nonchalant and one of us spies it and might gesticulate towards it.

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Now we do not know if it IS his, because he walked away previous.

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What we want to know is, how do we know it's a British parachute or a Hun one?

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-That's a very good question.

-Yes, it is. Beautifully phrased.

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Well, it so happens, Jones, that the answer to your question is here in this memo.

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Oh, thank you...

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"Our parachutes are pure white. Nazi parachutes are a dirty, off-white, creamy colour."

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As one might have expected.

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-There's your answer. If it's not white, it's not ours.

-Thank you.

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Now there's more in this memo than meets the eye.

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Rudolf Hess was dropped into this country by parachute six weeks ago since when we've heard nothing.

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It's quite obvious to me that the rats are leaving the sinking ship.

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-Other Nazi leaders may be here.

-The new commissionaire at the cinema looks like Herr Hitler.

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-He does. He's got a moustache and a stiff arm.

-All right. Settle down.

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May sound absurd, but it's the sort of thing we should check against.

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-When you go to the pictures, ask to see his identity card.

-Love to.

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If we do find an empty parachute, by the time we report to HQ,

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whoever was on the end of it could be miles away.

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We should use a tracker dog to lead us direct to whoever came down in it.

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Excellent idea, Frazer. Problem is, none of us has a dog.

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-I know where I can lay me hands on a dog.

-Is he a smeller?

-Eh?

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-Pick up a scent?

-Anything you like. Is it fierce? Anything you like.

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-When can you have this dog here?

-Some time tomorrow night.

-Good. That's settled. Dismiss the men.

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Platoon, attention! All right. Dismiss.

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-Coming for a drink?

-I want a word with Capt Mainwaring. See you there.

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-Yes.

-Can I have a word, sir?

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-Yes, certainly, Walker.

-It's, er...a little bit intimate.

-I think I'll go.

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-Don't go. You might be able to give advice. You don't mind...?

-No, no, no.

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Intimate? I hope that in addition to being your commanding officer I'm also your friend. What is it?

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Well, er...

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-Well, come on. Is it a woman?

-..Eh?!

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-Is it a woman?

-I think I will go.

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-It's not a woman. It's a parachute. I found one.

-Oh, is that all?

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-When?!

-About two weeks ago in the woods.

-Why didn't you report it?

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-You've only just told us.

-You should have done something about it.

-I did.

-What did you do?

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I had it made up into eight dozen pairs.

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(Eight dozen pairs...?)

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Eight dozen pairs of what?

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-Eight dozen pairs of ladies' knickers.

-Ladies' knickers?

-Yes.

-Ladies' knickers?! Here we are,

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with our backs to the wall, rations cut to the bone, the Nazis poised to attack,

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-and you had a parachute made into ladies' knickers?!

-Do stop using that word.

-All right. Bloomers.

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I wasn't to know, was I? It was just lying there on the ground. Nobody wants an empty parachute.

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-I thought, "All that lovely silk going to waste."

-All right.

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-Was it ours or theirs?

-Eh?

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Our parachutes are white. Nazi parachutes are cream. Was it white or cream?

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-I don't remember.

-Find a pair.

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Sold 'em all on me stall. Went like hot cakes.

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There must be some material over.

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-I gave this bloke the whole parachute to make up.

-Find him.

-I can't. He moves around a lot.

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We must get our hands on a pair of these ladies'...underthings and find out if they're white or cream.

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If Walker's made up eight dozen pairs of this, er...lingerie...

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-What?

-Lingerie. Plenty of people bought them.

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Yes, that's good thinking, Wilson. There must be plenty about.

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Come to the bank tomorrow afternoon and we'll make some enquiries. We must get to the bottom of this.

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Shouldn't have any trouble. They all know me in Walmington-on-Sea.

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-A bank manager commands respect. Good afternoon.

-We don't want any.

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We'd better try the next house.

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No, you don't want to give up as easily as that. Let me try.

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You've got to be persistent, get the old foot in the door.

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Ah, good day, sir.

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Oooh!

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(This'll be a pushover.)

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Good day, sir. I believe your missus has got a pair of my pants.

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< Up to your old tricks again?! < No, Jim, you've got me all wrong!

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< I'll teach you, my girl ! WOMAN SCREAMS

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Yes, I think we'll move on.

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That's very quick.

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Good afternoon. I'm Mr Mainwaring, the manager of the Swallow Bank.

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We're here on a delicate mission. I wish to see your underwear.

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-It is to ascertain whether it's white or cream. There's a simple explanation for...

-How dare you?!

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-All right, sir?

-I'm fine, Wilson.

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-You try the next one.

-Do you think that's wise?

-Oh, get on with it!

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-Nobody's going to bite you.

-You can't be too sure, sir.

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-Ah.

-Hello.

-Good afternoon.

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-Well, what can I do for you?

-Well, the fact is, I, er...

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-I, er...

-Yes?

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-We, er...well...I'd, um...

-Get on with it, Wilson!

-Of course.

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I was just wondering if I could, if you wouldn't mind if I...

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Really! Come on in, won't you?

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Not you two. Just him.

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Excuse me, sir. I won't be a moment.

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Mr Mainwaring, have you noticed the extraordinary influence that Mr Wilson seems to have over women?

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I'm getting rather tired of Wilson's sordid little peccadillos.

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-I won't discuss them. They bore me.

-Sorry I spoke.

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-Well, thank you, and good day.

-You're welcome. T.T.F.N.

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Well, were they white or were they cream?

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No, actually they were blue.

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-Surely we'll have some luck here.

-I don't think anyone's at home.

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Hang on. I'll have a look through the letter-box.

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There's a little boy in the hall. Little boy, is your mummy at home?

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-He's all alone.

-That's no good.

-Hang on. I've got an idea.

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Little boy, come here. Put your ear down against the letter-box.

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Will you go upstairs, look in your mother's bedroom...?

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-You never know what he's up to.

-It's all right. I've fixed it.

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-That's them, Warden. I hear you've been asking funny questions.

-Clear off and go home!

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I've read about people like him. What's your game?

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-There's a perfectly innocent explanation.

-There you are, sir.

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Now I want you to imagine you're marching along,

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and suddenly you're attacked by enemy gunfire. Now what do you do?

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-Kneel down.

-No, you don't do anything silly like that. You fall flat on your face.

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When you're attacked by enemy gunfire, you've got to remember four important things.

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First...

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Down, crawl, observe and fire. Have you got that?

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So I'm marching along, aren't I? I'm marching along like this.

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You're the Nazi machine-gunner, Pikey. As soon as I march round the corner, let me have it.

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Back him up with machine-gun noises.

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I'm marching, birds are singing...

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-Shall I make bird noises?

-No, no, don't bother.

-I'm good at bird noises.

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-I'm marching...

-Get on with it!

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I'm marching along...

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RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT !! It's no use waving your hand, you're dead.

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I'm not dead. I haven't marched round the corner yet.

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I'm coming round the corner now.

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RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT !!

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Now I don't know if you noticed, but I did that in slow motion.

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-What's the difference?

-My body rests on my arm and my rifle sticks up.

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-They don't like it up 'em.

-Don't try and be funny.

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So now here comes the crawl. Crawl ! Crawl ! Crawl !

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Observe! Observe! And fire!

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Fire! Bang! Bang! Fire!

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-Mr Jones. Mr Jones.

-What is it?

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-What's up?

-Why do you crawl away from where you fell before you fire?

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That's a good question and there's a simple answer.

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The enemy has been watching the spot where you got down.

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If you started to fire before you got away from where you went down,

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the enemy would know where you were as they're watching where you fell.

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If you crawl away and fire, away from the spot where you got down,

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the enemy would be surprised as they're watching where you fell and not where you are. Got that?

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Up to where you said it was simple, yes.

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Fetch Mr Mainwaring. We'll show him what I taught you.

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-Right, boys? Rat-a-tat-a-tat! Down!

-Down!

-Crawl !

-Crawl !

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-Observe!

-Observe!

-Fire!

-Fire!

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Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

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It's all right, Pike. I can help meself up this time.

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-What have you got here?

-There he is. What do you think?

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-He's certainly a smeller.

-Don't be cheeky. Hello, Mr Mainwaring.

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-One tracking dog as ordered.

-Ah, well, very nice animal.

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-Did you manage to get hold of any of those...?

-No, not a single pair.

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-We'll never know if they were white or cream.

-Let's not discuss it now.

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Let's have a look at this dog.

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-Has he got the stamina to track miles and miles of country?

-He can go on for days.

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Full of life.

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We should try him out under actual combat conditions and find out.

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Someone has to be the Nazi paratrooper for the scent.

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I'll be a Nazi paratrooper so the dog can get my scent.

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You don't need a dog for that.

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All right, all right, Walker. Now look, take the dog out,

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-and the rest of the platoon and when Jones has laid the scent, I'll blow the whistle.

-Right, sir.

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-Off you go.

-Oi.

-Can you manage?

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-Let's hope he turns out to be a good tracker.

-Yes.

-Might be quite an asset to the platoon.

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-Now you're the Nazi paratrooper.

-Right, sir.

-Just a minute.

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What do you think he should be? A Nazi leader, spy or saboteur?

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A saboteur. A Nazi leader coming to give himself up wouldn't run away.

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-Very good thinking. Now you'd better be...

-Yes, sir.

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You're a saboteur, dropped by parachute, here to blow up a key position. Take off your blouse.

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-What for, sir?

-So that you can lay a trail for the scent for the dog.

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-I see, sir. I'm pretending to be a saboteur, am I now, sir?

-Yes.

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-I've got to do it now, sir?

-Yes.

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So this is Walmington-on-Sea. I think I'll blow up a key position. I think I'll blow up the bank.

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-I'd, er...make that the Town Hall.

-Yes. I'll make that the Town Hall.

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Better nick off before I'm spotted.

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There, sir. I've made the smell.

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-"I've laid a scent."

-Oh, that's nice of you. Thank you very much.

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Right, here we go then.

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Right, there's the parachute. See if the dog can take the scent up.

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-That's it.

-Off you go.

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Other way. Other way.

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He's going up the tower steps.

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-He's got the scent all right.

-Seems to have done, sir.

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-Mavis, don't startle me like that.

-I didn't mean to startle you. How much longer will you be?

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-(Remember it's our tete-a-tete supper tonight.)

-Potato supper?

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Tete-a-tete supper. Tonight is the anniversary of when we first met.

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-We have a tete-a-tete supper every year. I don't want it ruined by him being late.

-Mavis, please.

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Mrs Pike, I cannot have your domestic affairs interfering with the running of my platoon.

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-I've blown up the Town Hall, sir.

-Well done.

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Here, Mr Mainwaring, I've just remembered. I sold the last pair to Mrs Pike.

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It was a British parachute. Look!

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I do think you might have told us, Wilson.

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Blimey!

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GERMAN ACCENT: Excuse, please. Not now, mate.

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Where is Downsend Woods? Where? Downsend Woods. It's marked here.

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Oh, it's about a mile over there. Thank you.

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Ruddy thing!

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-Wilson, look!

-Good heavens!

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All right, men. Follow me. At the double.

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Here, Godfrey, cop hold of that. Come on, boy. Come on. There we go.

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Caught him red-handed. Right, keep him covered, men.

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Out you come with your hands up. Still got plenty of fight in him.

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Grab him!

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-Let's see what we've caught. Jones, get out your bayonet.

-Yes, sir.

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-Slit it open.

-I'll slit him open all right.

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You! You ruddy hooligans!

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-Mr Mainwaring, look what the dog's doing.

-He's picking up the scent.

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He's got it! Come on, men!

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Oi, come back!

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Right, we've got him. Jones, tell him to come out with his hands up.

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Oi, come ze out with Hande hoch!

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He's not German. He's Chinese.

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-Are you looking for a man with a German accent?

-Of course I am!

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-One came up when I was getting that parachute down.

-It's his, you fool !

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-He asked me the way to Downsend Woods.

-Come on!

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-Hand me the glasses, Wilson.

-Right, sir.

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-Can any of you see anything?

-That's Downsend Woods.

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Look, sir. There's somebody up that tree.

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That's him all right!

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-I think all these trees are confusing him, sir.

-There he goes. Come on.

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DOG BARKS

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DOG BARKS

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Look, he must have been a saboteur. He's blown the building up.

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It was bombed in an air-raid last year.

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-That's why we didn't hear the bang.

-Oh, don't be ridiculous. Come on.

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-He's gone inside, sir.

-Right, house drill, men. Get rid of the dog.

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I'll wait round the corner.

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Right, Walker.

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-Right, the game's up.

-You're not going to get it.

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I've waited years. I've schemed and I've planned.

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He's got a bomb! Oh, blimey!

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No, not to me!

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Don't panic! Don't panic!

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Agghh! This is not a bomb!

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It's too light. It's an egg!

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-It's mine!

-Aren't you a German saboteur?

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No, I'm a Viennese ornithologist.

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-Birdwatcher.

-I read that a golden oriole had been spotted in these woods. It's a very rare bird.

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All my life, I've wanted one of the eggs. You should have come to me.

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Why did you run away like that?

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It's against the law to take the eggs.

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You might've been shot out of hand.

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Hence the expression a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

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GERMAN ACCENT: Why do you keep running away?

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I've been trying to give myself up!

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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