No Spring for Frazer Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

# We are the boys who will make you think again,

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun,

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think old England's done? #

-Are the men ready for my fieldcraft lecture, Wilson?

-Oh, yes.

-March them over to the recreation ground.

-The Town Clerk gave his permission?

-If we keep away from the swings.

He'll change his tune if the Nazis pound over his bowling-greens!

Yes. Jones and Pike are waiting for you to inspect their rifles and Frazer has his Lewis gun.

-Yes, right. Wheel them in.

-Would you kindly step this way?

-Oh, Wilson! Bark it out!

WOULD YOU KINDLY STEP THIS WAY ?

Left, right, left, right... Halt!

Right turn!

-Corporal, Corporal...

-About turn!

-Right, Pike. Let's have a look.

-I've polished most of the marks off.

-That's much better.

This is a precision instrument.

Never again let your mother clean it with a bath brick.

I promise.

-Corporal?

-Sir.

-I'm surprised yours was in this state.

-Sorry, sir. I cleaned it with mutton cloth.

-I think some mutton got on it, sir.

-That's no excuse for the sausage skin stuck in the magazine! There.

-I shan't take it in the shop no more, sir.

-Very wise.

-Frazer.

-Thank goodness I've no' to clean that again for 3 weeks!

That is not the right attitude. It's a privilege to clean it.

If it was a privilege, YOU'd do it!

That'll do, that'll do.

The butterfly spring is missing!

-Eh?

-Where is it?

-Oh, aye.

-I must have left it in my workshop.

-Your workshop?

-Aye. I took the gun home to clean it up.

Look, Frazer, you had no business to take equipment off the premises.

It's useless without that spring!

-If a Nazi came in, you could only hit him!

-Permission to speak, sir? That would make his eyes water!

Yes, well, I'm not taking any chances on that.

-Sergeant Wilson!

-Sir!

-March the men to the recreation ground and stop at Frazer's on the way.

-How nice!

-This is my wee den, sir.

-Bring the gun in, Jones.

-That's funny.

-What's funny?

-The box is gone!

-What box?

-The box I put the gun parts in!

Tell me exactly what you did.

I polished the parts and put them in the box here,

-and I put the lid on the box, while I sanded this down here.

-What sort of box was it here?

-Just a box, like this one here.

-I'm not interested in that one. I want to know about the one here.

-It looked like...this one here.

-Good heavens!

-What an extraordinary thing to collect!

-I make them!

-I had no idea.

-It's a skill I learned when I was a wee boy.

-You told me you were a fisherman in the Hebrides.

-Aye, I was, but it's wild and lonely on Mingulay!

-You have to do everything for yoursel'.

-Even this?

-Aye.

And dentistry. The one tool does gey well for both jobs.

-The point is, where is it now?

-Mr Drury will have taken it!

Every second that gun is out of action, our homes are in jeopardy!

I'm so sorry. Mr Drury will be round right away.

Don't apologise. There's no need for a reservation. We deal with these matters...as they arise.

-Good evening, Miss Baker.

-Good evening. What brings you here?

I wish to see Mr Drury urgently.

Don't tell me it's poor Mr Jones!

'Ere! I heard that! I'll tell him.

-He always was a money-grubbing old cuss! I'll come when I'm called! Not before!

-All right, Jones.

-Sir, do you need me here?

-Yes. What's the matter?

-Nothing. Why do you ask?

You're not your usual laughing self.

The whole situation is bizarre.

Why? We ask an undertaker if we can see inside a coffin for a spare part for a Lewis gun.

Yes... It could happen to anyone.

I'm sorry! I can't stop!

Mr Drury, just a moment! Get him.

Walker! Follow that undertaker!

-He was in a hurry!

-Do you mind that Mr Drury ordered a box from me on Wednesday?

-Yes.

-I'm not satisfied with it. Do you think I could examine it?

It's gone for Mr Horace Blewitt.

Old Horace Blewitt? He was in my shop last Wednesday.

I gave him two books of best end of neck.

Now he's passed away. Without using this week's rations!

I would dearly like to pay my last respects, ma'am. Is he in the Chapel of Rest?

No, he's at home. His brother wanted him to rest on the dining table.

A beautiful thought!

We'll not bother you any longer. Come on.

-Sir...

-21 Marigold Avenue.

-On the dining-room table.

-What?

Sir, can you excuse Jonesie and me from the fieldcraft lecture?

I think we ought to go and pay our last respects, sir.

Yes, all right. You're excused.

-You keep the brother talking. I'll...

-Yes, all right. All right, come on.

Come through here, Mr Jones.

In my calling, Mr Blewitt, I'm no stranger to sorrow,

-but if I'd known this box was for my friend, tears would have mingled with the varnish.

-You knew him?

-Oh, intimately.

-He was in my shop on Wednesday and I gave him two books of best end of neck.

Yes, he came in, put the shopping down on the table and unwrapped that very piece of meat.

-You never know, do you?

-No. And do you know the very last words he said?

-No.

He stood where Mr Frazer is, with the meat in his hand and said, "Look at that - all bloody bone!"

And the next second he was gone!

-You've got to have a bit of bone, haven't you?

-It was ALL bone. There wasn't a scrap of meat!

-If a sheep had no bones in its neck, its head would wallop about!

-You must have some meat!

-There was plenty of meat there.

-Gristle.

-Plenty of meat an' all !

-If there had been meat, poor Horace would still be with us! It was the shock!

You're as good as saying I done him in!

No, but it was all bone and gristle.

You've insulted me! I'm going.

-Come on, Jock.

-Bide a wee. I've a few more respects to pay.

I'm not going to be insulted like that!

-You old fool ! Do you no' mind what we came for?

-No, I don't!

-Well, it's too late now.

-Mainwaring will have me shot at dawn!

Captain Rogers? Mainwaring here. I was wondering what the position... Hmm? Mainwaring. Home Guard.

I was wondering what the position was about Lewis guns... Walmington-on-Sea. Home Guard!

I was wondering about Lewis gun spares. What have you in stock?

What all? Oh!

Rather what we expected, wasn't it?

No, no, no. It's a routine inquiry, that's all. Thank you.

Not a single nut.

Perhaps we can get this piece made by some skilled person, sir?

-Walker, you have a friend who is good at metalwork.

-Albert?

-Yes. Doesn't he make spare parts?

-He's on holiday.

-Until when?

-Well, he was caught making a spare part for a safe!

Sir, Mr Frazer apologises for having mislaid a valuable piece of equipment.

Let it be a lesson to us all.

For want of a nail, a shoe was lost. For want of that, a horse was lost.

For want of it, a battle was lost.

-Hence the expression, "Keep your hair on."

-Precisely. We'll find a way round this.

-I don't see what that's got to do with it.

-Come to think of it, neither do I.

This gun must get back in action. Jones, get your section and I'll outline the plan of campaign.

Okay, sir.

(You know what part to play?

(I go to the end of the terrace and if anyone approaches, I signal.

-(Right. Off you go.

-What is the signal?

-(Make it a cuckoo whistle.

-A cuckoo? How do you do that?

(Cup your hands together and blow through your thumbs. Hold this. I'll show you.

-(Blow through there.

-Oh, I see.)

NO WHISTLE

Blimey! If you two are cold, I could sell you a pair of gloves!

-Virgin wool. From the sheep that could run faster...

-All right!

-You better cough.

-All right, sir.

-Off you go.

-Got the torch?

-Wilson!

-Sir?

-The torch!

-YOU've got the torch! You gave me that little flash.

But I gave you the torch.

-Here...

-No, don't! Please! It upsets me, that kind of thing.

-Go on!

-Right, go to work.

-Let's have a look.

-Can you do it?

-It's an open invitation.

-I'll hold the light.

-Would you look away? I promised the guy who showed me that I wouldn't pass it on.

-Honour among thieves (?)

-He was a copper!

-Well done. You know what to do, Godfrey?

-When the light goes on in Mr Blewitt's room, sound the alarm.

Off you go...at the double. ..Off you go.

-Now, Pike?

-I go to the bottom of the stairs and keep watch there.

-I saw William Powell do this in "Raffles".

-Never mind that!

-No, it was Errol Flynn!

-It was Ronald Colman! Get inside!

-Lance Corporal Jones...!

-Sssh!

(Lance Corporal Jones and Private Frazer reporting for your flash.)

-You know what to do?

-Yes. I will hold the torch while Private Frazer does the looking.

Or if necessary, I'll do the lifting while he does the ferreting.

Take the torch and get on with it.

-I was supposed to go first!

-Wake up your ideas!

-I didn't leave that thing in the coffin!

-Shut up, blether!

Go on, get inside there!

-It's not my fault...

-Stop talking!

< Blast!

-What is it?

-I dropped the torch!

-Pick it up!

-I have, sir.

-Gie's it! ..It's bust!

-It's bust!

Sssh!

BREAKING GLASS

There's candles. Got a match?

COUGHING Get down! Get down!

-If you look in my overcoat...

-Ssh!

Excuse me, sir.

-What is it?

-I wasn't signalling. It's just a tickle in the throat.

-Get back to your post!

-I'll blow my nose. It's simpler.

-Good idea (!) Go on!

-Where's your matches?

-Here's a lighter. 25 bob.

-Scrooge!

-You nearly pushed my teeth down my throat!

-Stop blethering!

I'll get the candles.

I don't like this, Mr Frazer. I don't like it at all.

-It's a wicked, wicked business.

-Yes.

-But it's got to be done, son.

Ah!

The Captain will have to know.

-Captain, bad news!

-What?

-They've screwed him doon!

-Great Scott!

They've screwed him down, sir!

-Sir, could you spare me for a few minutes?

-No! We need a screwdriver.

I flogged mine to Godfrey to tighten his rollerskates!

Improvise. Has anyone got a knife?

-I have a fruit knife.

-Hand it over.

-It's rather nice, with a mother-of-pearl handle.

-Hold up the candles.

-I am!

-Keep them steady, for God's sake!

-They're taking far too long. We should be away by now.

-Sir... The blasted knife broke in half!

Japanese rubbish!

-Go and get Pike's scout knife.

-The knife's broken!

-I know!

-I'll miss it on picnics.

-Back you go.

-AAAAH !

-Sssh!

-Gie us your scout knife.

-What do you want it for?

-To unscrew the coffin.

Not with my knife! Frank, don't be difficult.

-Jonesie, bring the candle here.

-You stay there and keep guard.

It's working, it's working. I've got it.

Good, good, good.

-Waaah!

-Waaah!

-His light's gone on upstairs! Don't panic!

-Come on! Quick!

Blewitt's coming!

-Come on, men! Quick!

-Don't you panic, Mr Mainwaring!

Don't panic, sir! Wait for me!

Anyone there?

-Is anyone there?

-There's a light on at the back.

-Good evening.

-It's awful. My brother has got a screw loose!

Oh, dear me. They say there's one in most families. Goodnight.

-Right, are we all here? Where is Godfrey?

-I think he had to run all the way home.

-I suppose you still didn't manage to retrieve the spring?

-Sorry, sir.

Tonight Goering will turn his deadly weapons on us again and our machine gun is useless!

They can fly up and down all night, picking us off one by one! We can do nothing to stop it!

-We're not allowed to fire at them!

-That's not the point.

-Sorry, sir.

-He's trying to say he's sorry...

-I've got a tongue in my head!

-Let it be a lesson to all of us.

-Yes. For the want of a battle, the horse was nailed!

Sir, why don't we have another go?

-AIR RAID SIREN

-We can't do that now. It's an air raid. To your posts.

-Will Mr Frazer be court-martialled?

-It's quite a possibility.

-What chance have I got?

-What chance indeed?

-Never mind. Mr Mainwaring will look after us. He's our inspiration in time of need.

Even now I bet there is an ingenious plan forming in his brain.

-It seems rather desperate, sir.

-It may not be necessary.

-Frazer's at the funeral. He may have the spring.

-How will we know?

He's going to signal. Here they come.

Hand me those glasses.

No, it's no good. Walker, Pike, put up that notice and don't let anybody in.

-There must be some law against this, sir.

-Keep your eye on me.

-If they won't go, tell them the bomb is ticking.

-Then what?

-We wait until dark.

Then it's up to Frazer.

-'Ere, Uncle, there is a law against grave robbery. Habeas corpus.

-Oh, go on, Frank.

Well, do what the Captain said and I might well see you tonight.

Working on your sermon, sir?

-Making notes. Where are you taking that spade?

-St Matthew's Church.

-Have they disposed of the bomb?

-I don't know, but I must do something for poor old Mr Blewitt.

-It can wait.

-It might rain, sir. That would be an abomination.

Even more so if you are blown all over the yard!

Don't you worry, sir. I'll be all right.

-Go if you must. You're a braver man than I am.

-There's all sorts of courage.

I don't know how you have the nerve to give those sermons every Sunday!

-I'm not going down there!

-I'm sorry to hear that, son.

-You're young and strong.

-I'm not strong. I've got no muscles at all !

Perhaps Mr Walker? Yeah, Joe, you have muscles.

But I have no guts! Jonesie, you'll volunteer, eh?

-To go down there?

-Nah!

He won't do it. He never volunteers unless Mainwaring is watching!

That's a very hurtful thing to say! I'm not a bit like that!

-I WILL volunteer for this grisly thing.

-And tell Mainwaring after!

Listen, if it wasn't for my age, I'd punch your head in.

As it is, take formal notice - I will not honour your meat coupons!

Don't stand here arguing. Down you get, Jonesie.

Steady. All right, all right.

Hold on. Don't...!

-Are you all right?

-What do YOU care?

-I take it back. You're doing this for me. I'd no call to insult you.

-All right. I accept your apology.

Here's a shovel. Someone's approaching.

Get him out!

-Too late!

-Let him go!

Jonesie, you stay down there and we'll hide behind the gravestones until he's gone.

Aaah! AAAAAAH !

My men wouldn't do such childish pranks!

I speak as their Commanding Officer and a student of human nature.

I recognised them running off!

The big, rude Scots one, the Mummy's boy, Grandad and the clever dick!

-They were in the hall doing weapon maintenance.

-Okay. Send for them!

All right!

-Godfrey! Pike! Frazer! Who was the other one?

-The clever dick one!

-And Walker! Come in here.

-Satisfied?

-Why are they out of breath?

-We were doing P.T.

-Press-ups.

HE's been doing press-ups (?) Only little, tiny, weenie ones.

This is very fishy to me. And there was another one! Yes - down below!

Oh! I've had an unearthly experience!

-What did I say?

-You're late, Jones. Where have you been?

-I...I've been digging for victory, sir.

-There you are.

Who digs at night? I do! The vicar must be informed!

I wouldn't be surprised if you get embroiled with the bishop!

I hope you are all satisfied (!)

I felt all along it would end like this.

-Frazer.

-Aye.

-I explained to you what you were undertaking when you went into this venture.

Now you are caught, you must take the consequences. Grave-robbing is a very serious matter.

-No more serious than house-breaking.

-Never mind that.

You realise I must report this to GHQ and you'll be in trouble?

-Don't look so miserable. Have a fag, mate.

-Thanks, Joe.

-I said it would happen.

-Oh, do be quiet!

-Anyone got a light?

-I have. Here...

Captain Mainwaring here. Can I speak to Captain Rogers? Mainwaring! Walmington Home Guard!

-Look!

-Blimey! The butterfly spring!

-It must have been in my pocket the whole time.

Frazer, that's very careless!

Captain Rogers, I have something serious to report. One of...

One...

Deal with that, Wilson.

What? I don't quite understand.

Have you an account with us, sir?

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